Lost Shadows: Reviews

Of Cotton Candy And Confetti Eggs.

2011-05-28T06:10:00.000-07:00

Title: Of Cotton Candy and Confetti Eggs.
Author: aznchika.
Reviewer: Shweta@lostshadows.co.nr

Title: 4.5/5.
- 'Of Cotton Candy And Confetti Eggs' is an unusual and very promising title. The title does help your story in terms of what to expect because after I read that I was sure it'd be a funny story. This kind of title is used very little though not only in the Internet Fanfic writing world but in the huge writing world out there. If people would use it, it'd be more as a chapter name than a story name. And you must be wondering why I cut that point five? Well I didn't want to really but I thought it'd be a reminder for you for the rest of your stories in the future. Every title must have every first letter of every word in upper case letters. It should be 'Of Cotton Candy And Confetti Eggs' and not 'Of Cotton Candy and Confetti Eggs'.

Poster/Background: N/A
- I really think this short story deserves a nice little cute cover, and you should get one.

Forewords: 3/5.
- A really well organized and neat foreword. Simple and basic and it had everything a foreword should have, so much so that I felt if you didn't have this or that it would actually have been better. Since it's a one shot I was surprised you had a character description, because after you read that it feels repetitive once you have it in your story too. Although having the prologue after the Characters part would be the right order.

Your prologue seemed more like a summary than a real prologue. A prologue is what happens before the real story starts. Like for example the prologue for this story, although not needed, would be about Yunho's point of view on Jaejoong, how he talks about him and his crush on him, and how he's hiding it, or about them going together to the fair. Basically it's about what happens before the story starts and an epilogue is about what happens after the story ends, for example where the characters are now, etc. Therefore what you have in your forewords would be a summary and not a prologue.

Plot: 15/15.
- It was a fun story and really cute and also funny, and the plot reflected that. It was about a normal day in a teenager's life. (Less than half a day, actually). And about a little prank gone wrong benefiting the lead and letting his relationship with his crush take another step towards being made. I am glad you kept it simple, and I really think you're cut out for writing short stories at least. A very simple and basic story, which you brought to life with your characters and your writing. Good job.

Flow: 10/10.
- I think it went smoothly, the flow was perfect, the mood was right and not once did I get distracted. Sure it's a one shot, but sometimes the flow and the story could distract a girl to such an extent that reading ten lines would take three days. Your writing is very good, and you really did a wonderful job, so much so that I don't want to minus a single point from any category. I really did crave for some more, and am glad you requested from our site.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 14/15.
- I did try to find some mistakes, spelling and grammar, and found just one passable mistake. The rest depend on the author's writing style so I wouldn't call them mistakes.

Jae couldn’t help but snickered - Jae couldn't help but snicker.

I'm not sure if this mistake was unintentional, but if it wasn't, then I hope this correction helps so you wont repeat it for similar sentences, in sentences like this where you talk about what the person is doing, though the words in the sentences might be in the past tense, but the verb would be in the present tense. And if it was unintentional then the way to avoid this one mistake itself would be by rechecking the story before submitting or having a friend, family member, or a beta reader check it for you. Also, keep an eye on the green or red lines that appear on MS Word, and right click and check the suggestions they give which would sometimes help too.

Characterization: 10/10.
- For a one shot, the characters seemed really lively and familiar. They were cute and friendly characters and really helped improve the story. The words you used and their tones and languages for when they spoke, made them come alive, and it didn't really matter if they were a secondary character or the main lead. You really do have a gift for writing.

Originality: 10/10.
- The theme might be borrowed, where the girl has a crush on the guy and a little accident helps them, but this one seemed different considering the story was about a guy who likes a guy, and it seemed normal to everyone around them which helped keep the mood light and didn't pull away from the main focus, the confetti eggs. Normally these are just a few incidents in a long story, and the end to the start the story was very unique.

Writing style: 9/10.
- As I must have mentioned twice before, you have a real gift for writing and should keep writing so you can improve and venture out into more genres. Although your style seems to fit perfectly for subtle humor and light-hearted romantic stories. Your language was good, although at some parts you used words that seemed out of place, for example...

Once the two received their cotton candy - Normally someone would say 'got' rather than 'received' and it seems sort of serious, I don't know if I can explain it but the word 'received' seems out of place for such a situation since it seems like someone is gifting that to them. 'Bought' or 'got' and maybe even 'collected' would seem a better choice.

Overall enjoyment: 10/10.
- Really loved and enjoyed your story. It had the right amount of romance and comedy for a short romantic story. It didn't matter if it was YAOI or a regular story either.

Overall score: 85/90.

Love Wanting Losing

2011-03-27T12:05:00.001-07:00

Title - Love Wanting Losing
URL - http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/11267/loving-wanting-losing-oneshot
Reviewer - Darkess @ lostshadows.co.nr

Title: 5/5

Poster/Background:
N/A

Forewords: 2/5

The scenery description was beautifully written, but you did not foreshadow anything that was in your story. Although I believe the writing itself could draw readers in, it would also be a good idea to try and incorporate a little bit of what your story is about or introduce some of the characters in your forewords to captivate your reader and make them want to read more before the story even begins.

Plot: 15/15

I loved the twist of the typical story at the end. Most stories have the confessions right before the marriage, but you chose to break readers hearts and have the realization that they are in love after he gets married. Brilliant. The whole story was absolutely stunning. I loved that they shouted their confessions on that day at the train station so that she didn't hear his. Their love was beautiful and plain to see. The storyline was well written and easy to follow.

Flow: 10/10

Your story flowed well. I love how you showed some of their college days and some of their little kid times before you finished it off with the wedding. The timing was very easy to follow, and I really appreciated that.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 14/15

You switch from past to present tense in the fourth paragraph of the story. It isn't something to worry about, but try to keep your story in one tense throughout.

you do it again in the line
I’d look forward to the following morning when I’d see you through the corridors, or the next night when classes are through and we would be on the field again.
in the fifteenth paragraph. do you see how in one sentence you switch from 'are through' to 'we would be' ? 'Are' should be 'were'

crying, without anyone to talk to. *paragraph 16*
No comma is necessary since the clause beginning with 'without' is the second half of the sentence

These were really the only things I found. Just watch for tenses and you'll be fine ;D

Characterization: 6/10

There could have been a lot more here. We barely know their personality or their looks from this two shot, and I wish we would know more about this beautiful couple. I understand that it's hard to fit things in in a two shot, but overall you did do a really good job. You made the characters relatable and you made them feel really bad for them in the end.

Originality: 7/10

I thought that the best friends falling in love was a little overused as was their parents being best friends. I loved the twist in the typical plot, as I stated before, and I believe that that was pretty unique.

Writing style: 10/10
Your writing is easy to follow. You are able to successfully weave all of your descriptive sentences into the storyline without making the story boring with your commentaruies. I wish there would have been a little more to the characters and the settings, but overall you did an amazing job. It is always nice to review a story where the author is actually fluent in the English language. Your sentence structure had the perfect deviations.

Overall enjoyment: 10/10

Let me just say that putting the music box at the bottom so that it started playing just as you read that section of the story was pure brilliance. Very creative, very original. The song fit perfectly as well and really added to the overall affect of the story. I love this two shot. You had me tearing up at the end.
Brilliant is the only word I can use to describe your story.

Overall score: 79/90

Our Little Secret by shineeninja

2011-02-25T14:50:00.000-08:00

Author: shineeninja
Story Title: Our Little Secret
Story URL: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/21570/our-little-secret-angst-minho-onew-shinee-smut-taemin-you/18
Reviewer: `MiCKEY| lostshadows.co.nr

Title: 4/5
-The title isn’t something very eye-catching nor exciting, but it made a bit curious of what the secret was. It’s a story name I see often so it wasn’t something new.

Poster/Background: 5/10
-Although you didn’t have a background or poster, I liked how you had some pictures on some of the chapters. But the reason why it’s low is because not every chapter had a picture, but I guess it would be hard to find pictures that are related to the chapters. But nether less, it was a good idea to have some pictures.

Forewords: 5/5
-I really liked the foreword you gave. It didn’t give out too much; just the amount of information I needed to know. It was a bit confusing to be reading this in second person POV because I had to continuously keep reading it over and over again but I managed. The description was short, but had many ideas to what the story was going to be about.

Plot: 12/15
-This isn’t a kind of story I would read a lot. It wasn’t really cliché but it seemed rather bland in the beginning. I didn’t get that feeling of wanting to continue reading the story. Although the story hasn’t finished yet, it’s one of those stories where you don’t know the ending to. You don’t really add twists or anything, so it makes it straightforward. I don’t usually read stories that have rated scenes, but that’s because I didn’t know it would have. It is something new, but for now, it’s not as interesting as it could be. I feel like I keep reading the same thing over and over though. Like each chapter reminds me of the chapter before. You do leave a lot of cliffhangers at the end and those are something I absolutely love because that’s what makes me want to continue reading.

Flow: 9/10
-The flow seems to be going fast, but at the same time, slow. While I was reading, I felt like the chapters were going super fast, but because each chapter reminds me of each other, it felt slow. I don’t know if you get what I’m saying.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 10/15
-As I was reading, I did spot some spelling/grammar errors but the vocabulary overall is perfect!
You seem to add a lot of commas but instead you can just make a compound sentences.
For example:
what you wrote - You scutter around his room, checking to see if you've gathered everything, then realized that the bottom of your body felt bare. You couldn't find your skirt.
My version (this is just a suggestion) – You scurry around his room, checking to see if you’ve gathered everything but then realizing that the bottom of your body felt quite bare. You couldn’t seem to find your skirt.

Characterization: 10/10
-A lot of the characterization was mentioned in the forward but I was able to understand more of their characters throughout the story. For example: how Minho goes from playboy to a sweet boy, or at least tries to. I was able to convey all of their feelings by just reading how they felt and their thoughts.

Originality: 8/10
-The conflict of this story is very cliché. How two partners have sex and then the girl ends up getting pregnant and doesn’t know what to do. But this was my first time reading a story of how the girl is pretty much ‘forced’ to have sex with him and how she obeys everything he says. But the way this story is portrayed seems very unique to me.

Writing style: 10/10
-I absolutely love your writing style. It’s the type of writing I love to read. I like how you make the dialogue easy to read and how the paragraphs are not all stuck together. You made sure to separate the paragraphs apart, to not make it seem like one big blob.

Overall enjoyment: 9/10
-So far, it seems very interesting and I can’t wait to finish the rest of your story. It is a story I’ll continue reading so continue to update!

Overall score: 82/100

My Fat Husband Became An Idol by Jinkitor

2011-02-21T07:32:00.000-08:00

Author: Jinkitor
Story Title: My Fat Husband Became An Idol
Story URL: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/15099/my-fat-husband-became-an-idol-jonghyun-korean-minho-onew
Reviewer: ShadowYin | lostshadows.co.nr

Title: 5/5

Straight forward, related, simply and to the point. I think it should be 'an Idol' instead of 'An Idol', but I'm not feeling that mean today, so I didn't take any marks off that. Full marks.

Poster/Background: 7/10

Good use of pictures and colours.

Forewords: 3.5/5

[You didn’t have a foreword, so this is marked on your description]

The best thing about your description is that it’s short and pleasant. However, what’s pulling your mark down here is your use of short, snappy sentences, and it creates a dull effect. The description was nice, but it didn’t flow very well as you were listing and this could easily bore the reader. Your mark here is also pulled down but your lack of spacing between some words.

Yet, your last two sentences created the greatest impact.

‘He came back for revenge. What will happen to these love birds?’

It was short and to the point, and your rhetorical question really causes the readers to think, wondering what would happen next. Brilliant.

Plot: 14.5/15

Amazing plot is all I have to say. Very original and not the ordinary love story you normally find.

Flow: 6/10

At some points, it felt so fast. For example: when Jonghyun first met Jihye after his debut. At that point I feel that a lot of things could’ve been elaborated. Such as Onew’s emotions when he saw Jonghyun. When Jonghyun kissed the girl, what did Jihye feel?

At some point, it even felt scripted.

Example of what you wrote:

Jihye ah , wae? " Onew concerned , with food in his mouth.

" Oh? Aniya. " I smiled.

Then I continued frying.

I walked out with a plate of 10 chickens in my hands.

I understand that she was angry and that this was written from her point of view, but I do believe this section could’ve been elaborated.

My suggestion (this is just an example of how it could’ve been elaborated; you probably wouldn’t want this kind of wording):

“Jihye ah , wae? " Onew asked with concern whilst munching the food in his mouth.

"Oh? Aniya,” I smiled innocently so he wouldn’t be troubled by my emotions.

I continued frying with anger and distress, wondering what Jonghyun was planning. Once I was finished, I walked out with a plate of 10 chickens in my hands.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 10/15

Throughout your fiction, I’ve found that you had a lot of spacing errors.

Example: [What you wrote – My version]

I know I'm young , but who cares? - I know I'm young, but who cares?

Well,I'm not shabby either. - Well, I'm not shabby either.

Grammar errors:

You wrote:

He have got the jawline that makes you scream

My version:

He has got the jawline that makes you scream (I think it’s ‘jaw line’, but I’m not too sure)

You wrote:

" Do you think that he've got somekind of disease or something?

My version:

"Do you think he has some kind of disease or something?”

You wrote:

" YAH KIMJONGHYUN. YOU HAVEN PAY. " (Okies, I know Jihye was angry at this point, but grammar is still important.)

My version:

"YAH KIM JONGHYUN, YOU HAVEN’T PAID.”

Spelling:

Spreaded – there’s no such word

Common and meet me alright? – Common means ordinary, I think you mean ‘come on’
She've – I don’t think this is correct. I think it should be: ‘She’s got a boyfriend already’

Advice: Proof read.

Characterization: 8/10

At the beginning, your characterisation was good until it came to where she was considering the divorce. She talks a lot to her friend about her feeling, but it would be interesting to read a short description of her true personal feelings of the time.

A lot of emotions were portrayed through dialogue; it would be nice to read descriptions about their feelings every now and again.

Characters were believable most of the time, so that’s brilliant. But the fact that this story is based around idols made it less convincing. Minho and Jino stalking Jihye, where’s the paparazzi? Surly someone would want to sell the news of the idols to the paparazzi.

Originality: 10/10

The conflict isn’t very original, as this often occurs between couples, yet you portrayed it in your style which made it very fun to read.

Writing style: 7/10

I love the way you always ended your chapters with a sort of cliff-hanger, it’s really effective and makes the readers want to read on.

What I strongly recommend is more descriptions to balance out the dialogue. To me, there are still a lot of dialogues even though I noticed you did try to use some description here and there. What I’m trying to say is there’s not enough balance between the two in order to bring out the full potential of your story.

Overall enjoyment: 8/10

I actually enjoyed reading your story, even though it wasn’t the type of story I’d normally read. It was simple, fun, interesting and original. Hwaiting! (If I wasn’t marking you on your English, this score will be higher.)

Overall score: 79/100

I hope this helps :)

Letting Go by `shinee

2010-08-16T05:23:00.000-07:00

Author: `shinee
Story Title: Letting Go
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/SHINeeO1
Reviewer: DarkAngel | lostshadows.co.nr

Title: 5/5

-Just by looking at the title you can judge it's going to be an angst story! It goes along with the story and tells a lot.

Poster/Background: 10/10

-Beautiful poster and beautiful background! It gives off a relaxing vibe. I love it! The poster is so neatly designed, and the colors blend in together really well! It looks peaceful, yet sad at the same time. Reading the text is easy too. Full points!

Forewords: 5/5

-Nice preview! It got me interested and into the mellow mode already. It looks about the right length- not too long and not too short.

Plot: 15/15

-Usually, I wouldn't be reading stories like this. I would just stick to happy or suspenseful ones. This got me interested in the angst genre. I haven't seen an angst fanfic like this before. The plot is slightly different from others. It made me cry while reading it, and I love the song. It's also a nice way to express the feeling and emotions.

Flow: 10/10

-It had a nice flow to it. The pace wasn't too fast, nor too slow. It was just right! The flashback fitted in perfectly.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 15/15

-I didn't spot any spelling or grammar errors. Your vocabulary was broad enough. You sure do a good job at editing! Either that, or you don't make mistakes when typing.

Characterization: 9/10

-Like I said earlier, you showed the characters' emotions well. Music is a great way to express one's feelings. It's also very popular. However, I was kind of hoping for a different point of view.

Originality: 10/10

-It's as original as it can get. It isn't a complete copy of other plots because you changed things up a bit. How much more different can it get?

Writing style: 9/10

-I don't really like reading huge paragraphs. It looks kind of messy and unorganized, but it's fine. Other than that, the format looks neat enough.

Overall enjoyment: 9/10

-It was pretty good, I admit, but there's something I wished that could have been added. I don't know exactly what it is, but I just have this strange feeling!

Overall score: 97/100

*This is one of the highest scores I have ever given. Be grateful XD LOL Just kidding

And You Thought One Lie Couldn't Hurt by Susan Lee

2010-08-03T02:34:00.000-07:00

Author: Susan Lee
Story Title: And You Thought One Lie Couldn't Hurt
Story URL: http://www.2oneday.com/forum/index.php?showtopic=21137
Reviewer: DarkAngel | lostshadows.co.nr

*Even though it shows up as complete, I can only read up to chapter 14. Did you delete it, because I can’t access it.

Title: 5/5

-The title was interesting. It caught my eye, and I could tell that it wasn’t going to be one of those “happy” stories. It’s a little long for my liking, but it suits the story well.

Poster/Background: 7/10

-The poster looks really nice! There’s a sad touch to it. The blends of colors really mix together good, and the character pictures just top it off. The text is nice and easy to read too. Because there is no background, I have to deduct some points off.

Forewords: 4/5

-That was a very nice preview! It was really sad, and it put me in one of those ‘moods’ as they call it. You introduced us to Yoobin’s personality and thoughts, so kudos for that, but I think that you could have added an introduction of the other characters. Other than that, it was good!

Plot: 15/15

-It’s really good so far! You keep adding twists, and keep the audience wanting more! I barely know what’s going to happen since you always add different things! It’s always interesting, and I can’t tear my eyes off for one second :) It’s exciting and suspenseful to know what’s going to happen next.

Flow: 10/10

-The flow was good. It wasn’t too fast, nor was it too slow. From the beginning, to the end, the events all flow together well. Nothing seems out of place. Each event is important to the story as it progresses.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 14/15

-I only spotted one or two mistakes. You either check over your writing, or don’t make many mistakes. Kudos for that!

Characterization: 10/10

-As the story went on, I found myself liking the characters- even Jessica! The way Yoobin began to change was smooth, along with the other main characters. Taecyeon likes her again, but Jay is the only one that I’m sad about. It’s interesting to see how they react to the upcoming events. Unlike many other fanfiction stories, the plot isn’t realistic. This, however, can be imagined in real life.

Originality: 9/10

-The rivalry and blackmailing is seen often, but the others are unique. I would have never guessed how Jay figured out that Yoobin really didn’t slap Jessica. Keep it up, and your readers will be rooting for more!

Writing style: 10/10

-I really don’t have a problem with your writing style! You write complete sentences, and create full paragraphs. The spacing is fine, and the format looks neat and clean!

Overall enjoyment: 10/10

-I really enjoyed every minute of it! It was interesting to read, and I wish I can read more! Full points for ‘overall enjoyment’!

Overall score: 94/100

Jagiya, I love you by estee

2010-07-30T12:49:00.000-07:00

Author: estee
Story Title: Jagiya, I love you
Story URL: winglin.net/fanfic/estee6
Reviewer: DarkAngel | lostshadows.co.nr

Title: 3/5
-It's not very creative or eye-catching, but you can tell it's going to be a sweet story. The length is fine- not too long and not too short. Plus, it fits the story!

Poster/Background: 8/10
-It's cute, but kind of plain. The background is okay, I guess. I thought you could have done something more with the poster. It looks kind of boring, but at the same time, it's cute.

Forewords: 2/5
-There isn't much information and it seems short. You could have included a small description of the characters featured in your story, or written a small summary about it to let the readers see what it's about. On the bright side, I think it looks neat. I never would have thought of the main girl's name to be just a scrambled mix up of Xiah.

Plot: 14/15
-I love it! It was so sweet! Normally, I don't read these kind of stories and this is the first, but it's so good! The way they show affection for each other is so cute, and it's realistic unlike some other events that are usually mentioned . I love the way Xiah and Ahxi seem so happy and sweet together. I was smiling the whole way, and almost cried when he proposed to her.

Flow: 10/10
-Full points! The flow was perfect. It wasn't slow, nor was it fast. The flashback was a great touch.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 15/15
-I didn't see any mistakes. I don't know if it was because of my bad eye sight, or it was because you didn't make any, but I didn't see any. There weren't repeats of the same words again, and it was smooth. Your vocabulary is fine too.

Characterization: 10/10
-I could see the way they love each other very much, and it was so heartwarming! You explained them very well. Xiah and Ahxi really do go together well. It's nice to see a happy couple such as them.

Originality: 10/10
-I've never actually read a oneshot like this before. When I read one, it's usually about someone having a disease and death, but this was the complete opposite. It had a peppy atmosphere, and the date was nice. The proposal was sweet, and the characters were loving. Nice work.

Writing style: 10/10
-I really don't have a problem with you writing style. It looks professional and neat. Your spacing is fine, and you write complete sentences. Good job!

Overall enjoyment: 10/10
-I love it so much! I'm still smiling because of it :) It's just so heartwarming! I wish it happened to me, which is kind of strange to hear from a kid. Anyways, it's just lovely, and I hope you write another one. Fighting~!

Overall score: 92/100

For A Moment by Ryeona Park

2010-07-22T01:41:00.000-07:00

Title: For A Moment
Author: Ryeona Park
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/PRNmoment
Reviewed by: Dark Angel @ Lost Shadows

Title: 5/5

-At first glance, your title captured my attention. It was interesting, and just those three words told a lot about the story. Good choice for a title.

Poster/Background: 9/10

-The poster is great, I can tell you that. The only change I'd make to it is the font. It's hard to read, but other than that it looks fantastic! The background matches with the story, and the blue clashes well. It's a nice, sad blend of colors to go along with a great story.

Forewords: 4/5

-That was a nice preview, but it didn't tell us much about the characters' personalities. I also thought you could have added more to the forewords. It looked too short. Besides the poster credits and summary, there wasn't anything else. A little introduction of the characters would probably help the reader understand them before reading in order to get a better understanding.

Plot: 14/15

-It's a sad, sweet story. The plot is nice, and the angels are a nice touch. I know this story line has been used many times before, but there's just a special touch to this one. It's really nice, and touching at the same time. I loved the ending!

Flow: 10/10

-The flow is perfect for me! The story was at a good pace- not too fast and not too slow. Nice job!

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 13/15

-There were places where you added a comma in the wrong place and vice versa. I didn't spot any spelling errors, and your vocabulary was great! There were no repeats except for "The Third Angel", "The First Angel" and so and so. Other than that, there wasn't much of a grammatical problem here.

Characterization: 8/10
-I honestly could have though you should include more of their past and feelings. SeoHyun wasn't exactly described as well. The simple details were featured, which is good. I just thought you could be more deep with their emotions.

Originality: 8/10

-The Dimension of Miracles was creative, I can tell you that. You don't see that around nowadays. The sickness, however, is often mentioned in stories. It's because of a disease that the two main characters get close in a sad one-shot. I really liked the fake world and angels though!

Writing style: 8/10

-Your paragraphs were too big, in my opinion. If you shorten it, it will look more professional and neat. It may be because I like reading short paragraphs than longer ones, but it looks better. It's easier to read. Other than that, there was nothing wrong with your one-shot!

Overall enjoyment: 8/10
-Like I said before, the long paragraphs were a little irritating for me to look at. That took my interest away slightly.

Overall score: 87/100

Need You Now by hellome

2010-07-18T12:32:00.000-07:00

Author: hellome

Story Title: Need You Now

Story URL: http://winglin.net/fanfic/needyounow

Reviewer: mg6991 | lostshadows.co.nr

Title: 3/5

-Your title was nice but it looks like it’s a common title to me, no offense.

Poster/Background: 9/10

-I LOVE YOUR POSTER. :D

Forewords: 2/5

-Even though it’s a one-shot and your characters are fictional, you should still put on a summary of your story. Your forewords section looks so blank and it shouldn’t be like that. That section gives you an opportunity to introduce your characters and your story well even if your story is a one-shot, a short story or whatever.

Plot: 12/15

-I kind of understand your plot at first but in my opinion, it’s kind of hard to understand. A one-shot is supposed to be like a summary of the whole story. But it looks like you just cutted out some parts of your whole story.

Flow: 8/10

-Your flow was awesome actually. But you just have to sometimes explain some scenes a bit more.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 15/15

-I salute you for your perfect grammar. I sometimes can’t even think words like that.

Characterization: 7/10

-In my opinion, it would have been much better if you gave names to your characters. It gives off a feeling that there’s something missing.

Originality: 10/10

- It’s my first time reading a story like yours. Nice one!

Writing style: 10/10

- I adore how you write. Your writing style is one of the bests that I have seen.

Overall enjoyment: 8/10

Overall score: 84/100

-In my opinion, your writing style is best suited for short stories. But nevertheless, keep up the great work!

It was you all along by iheartsj01

2010-07-12T00:50:00.000-07:00

Author: iheartsj01
Story Name: It was you all along
Story URL: http://winglin.net/fanfic/iheartsj01/
Reviewer: myangelteuk/Airah

Title: 2.5/5
The title really isn’t eye catching but fits your story well. Also, capitalize you title like this, ‘It Was You All Along’.

Poster/Background: 10/10
At first I was wondering why Kyuhyun and Yoona was there but then in the story, it explains that Yoona is Leeteuk’s girlfriend (in the beginning) and Kyuhyun is the guy she fell in love with at first sight.

Forewords: 5/5
You got everything that is needed. But also, add at least an bit of information about the characters so we would know what to expect. Or just say that you can’t reveal anything about them yet.

Plot: 15/15
I really like the plot. Same as others but you add your own twists into it.

Flow: 10/10
Nice and steady. Neither fast or slow.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 8/15
I know it’s a low score but you do have to understand. You said in the extras that you’re going to have some English errors and yes, you do. Some of the errors would be that you sometimes don’t capitalize the beginning of sentences. I would give you an example but it’s almost everywhere. You spell things wrong.You also don’t capitalize the beginning of the dialogues and you forget the commas at the end of what they are saying.
For example:

[Original Dialogue]

" yah, just remember - don't tell this to anyone at school tomorrow okay ? im usually not like this to people " he said patting my head .

{Corrected Dialogue}

“Yah, just remember - don’t tell this to anyone at school tomorrow, okay? I’m usually not like this to people,” he said, patting my head.

Another problem would be the spelling errors. Two of the words that you commonly spell wrong would be:
*Thingking
*tought

By the looks of how you spell, you sound it out? Thinking is spelled this way. It’s like when you say ‘think’. All you have to do is add ‘-ing’ at the end.

Thought is spelled like this. But you are close. One other thing, if you spell thought the way you spell it, when you spell though, it might end up as tough. Also, hurt is already a past tense, so there is no need to add “-ed” at the end.

Characterization: 6/10
I think that if the character had a name, it would give off more than if the character’s name is ~~~~~.

Originality: 10/10
I think that this is quite original. Yet, similar to other fanfics. I didn’t take any points off because I think that it’s THAT original.

Writing style: 6/10
The writing style is understandable but I think instead of putting links in the middle of the story, you should either, describe it or put the links at the end so it doesn’t make the story look crappy. (Excuse my language). Also, don’t put too much exclamation mark and question marks because like I said, it makes it look crappy. But do put it where necessary. Another thing, you put this >.> at the end of the sentence, and it makes it look messy. At least describe what >.> is, but if its like a text, then it’s fine but if it isn’t, explain. Also, if you want to explain something, instead of putting an A/N note in the middle of the story, same with the links, put it at the end of the chapter.

Overall enjoyment: 10/10
I have to say, I enjoyed it because as you can tell, my name is myangelteuk so I am an Leeteuk fan! I agree that there aren’t many Leeteuk fics. I have to say, this is a good story! I’m going to subscribe to it so I can read more!! Hwaiting!

Overall score: 82.5/100

*This is just a review. It is not meant to criticize you. But if it did in anyway, I apologize.*

The Love Bus by kanhosa301

2010-07-07T08:16:00.001-07:00

Title: The Love Bus
Author: kanhosa301
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/kanhosa304
Reviewed by: hanichan32319 @ Lost Shadows

*My deepest apologies for this being so late. Life caught up with me on many occasions, and I had neither the time nor the heart to do much of anything, really. I hope you understand. And now, on with the review!*

Title: 3/5
Although it’s cute, and it fits the story, I’m fairly certain you could have come up with a much more creative title.

Poster/Background: 7/10
As with what I said above, it’s cute and it fits, but a) you can be way more creative with the poster overall, and b) there are no credentials. I assume you made this, but at least put something that says so. If you didn’t make this, shame on you for not crediting the artist. It’s a lovely drawing, but none of the characters are featured in it.

Forewords: 2/5
A few sentences explaining your story certainly didn’t catch my interest. A reader wants to be pulled into the story. I was not pulled. Maybe add a little bit, like how old everyone is…what they look like, even…or where everything takes place.

Plot: 12/15
Things happened way too fast between Yunho and Cherry, but more of that is below. I really felt for Doo Joon; he had unrequited love for his best friend. I’ve seen that with some of my own friends, and it really tore them apart. That’s why I was surprised Cherry didn’t decide to be Doo Joon’s girlfriend. I thought for sure that would happen…oh, well.

Flow: 9/10
Only thing I had against the flow was the fact that Yunho and Cherry seemed to fall in love with each other way too fast; they met in a day and wham? Ha, I wish people could fall in love that quickly! I would mention more on that subject but I don’t think you’d want to know about your reviewer’s love life…LOL!

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 12/15
You’re spelling was okay, and you have a decently sized vocabulary. The only problems lied with grammar and with tenses. Remember: “you’re” is a contraction, shortening “you are.” “Your” is a possessive, meaning to show ownership. Oh, and use “on” correctly; there were several times you should have used “at” or “in” instead of “on.” Sorry if this isn’t making much sense to you, haha. I just say it like it is and hope that you understand what I mean.

Characterization: 6/10
To me, the characters seemed underdeveloped. Yunho came off more stalker-ish than I first thought. Out of nowhere, he decides that he loves this girl after going on one date with her? Cherry does the same, too. Doo Joon had the most development, kinda; he harbored feelings toward his best friend, and his love seems more legit than the “love” Cherry feels for Yunho, who she literally just met. This really should have been turned into a short story, maybe three or four chapters.

Originality: 7/10
The only thing slightly original about this is that the main character didn’t end up with the best friend, which is usually what happens in romantic comedies, no?

Writing style: 8/10
Seeing as how I’m a writer of long paragraphs, I didn’t mind the length so much. However, it seemed like you tried to squeeze a potential story into a one-shot. Also, when two different people are talking or thinking, separate into different lines. Cherry’s thoughts should really go onto a line by themselves unless she’s the one speaking.

Overall enjoyment: 8/10
I didn’t love it, but I didn’t hate it. If you had gone into deeper detail and development, it would be better. You did good, though. Good luck with all your future stories!

Overall score: 72/100

Bonus: 2/5
Okay, even though the scoring rubric doesn’t go this way, I still had to give bonus points for Cherry having a best friend named Hazel. In a book I hope to publish one day, I have a character named Hazel! I was hit with some pleasant irony while reading this, haha!

Total: 74/100

Do you love me or my twin sister? by princess

2010-07-07T08:14:00.000-07:00

Author: **princess**
Story Name: Do you love me or my twin sister?
Story URL: http://winglin.net/fanfic/darksidejj_3/
Reviewer: Airah

Title: 3.5/5
The title fits the story but it’s not very eye-catching. Also, capitalize the title; Do You Love Me Or My Twin Sister? But sometimes, titles don’t have to be capitalized. Another thing, the title is pretty long.

Poster/Background: 9.5/10
The poster and background looks nice but there is something with the poster. It says: It's hard to let go the one you love...but it's hard to love a person when you know he only see you as the girl that he once's love..

It’s supposed to be:
It’s hard to let go of the one you love..but it’s hard to love a person when you know he only sees you as the girl he once loved.

I saw that you changed the poster but I’m still keeping the score the same. Also, it’s kind of hard to see when your sentences are long and Eun Hye’s face sometimes covers the words.

Forewords: 5/5
It included important things such as the plot, and characters. But you also have a OST for the story which is nice.

Plot: 15/15
I like the plot a lot. It’s quite different from some other stories.

Flow: 10/10
Not too slow or fast.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 10/15
From the first chapter, I’ve been thinking that English isn’t your first language because either you’re just forgetting some letters like ‘s’ on some of the words like on your foreword it says, Twin sister. That should be twin sisters. Also you’re sometimes getting there and their mixed up. Also babys. It should be babies. There are more but I don’t want to put you down by listing all of them.

Characterization: 10/10
I don’t like ~~~~~ fics. I really prefer fictional characters but it’s your story. Fictional characters give off more life rather than ~~~~~~ characters.

Originality: 8/10
Like I said, it’s different but not original. I’ve read some fanfics that are like this. But different is good because sometimes it can be original.

Writing style: 7/10
The way you write is fine but sometimes putting something like *giggles* in the middle of the sentence makes it look messy. Instead of doing that you could put ‘she giggled.’ Or something like that.

Overall enjoyment: 10/10
Love it!! Thanks for a great fic! I’ll keep reading because I think I know who the woman is.

\Overall score: 88/100

My own rose by rekan

2010-06-29T02:19:00.001-07:00

Title: My own rose
Author: rekan
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/Rekan/
Reviewer: dramafreak4eva @ Lost Shadows
[www.lostshadows.co.nr]

Title: 4/5
Your title that you had chosen for you story was suitable for the story but does not catch attention to readers.

Poster/Background: -/10
No poster was provided.

Forewords: 1/5
You had your necessary information and that was it, nothing other than that. No character descriptions, summary, previews or anything. You have to have the things I listed above to get an average mark or above.

Plot: 11/15
There wasn’t an exact plot but what you had was good although it was a bit too short. I didn’t really understand because you didn’t state who’s point of view it was under, all I knew was that it’s about YunJae.

Flow: 8/10
Since it’s short, it was okay. I really can’t say much here.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 13/15
You had used a quite a large range of words. Not too large as your one shot was short and since you weren’t writing a chaptered story, it’s fairly hard to mark your story. The mark I gave you was based on the first chapter.

Characterization: 7/10
You did give some good descriptions on some things but not on the characters so I deducted a few marks because of that.

Originality: 8/10
It’s not all that original but is creative.

Writing style: 8/10
I liked it. It was neat, understandable and readable. Again, your one shot was short so I really can’t mark it.

Overall enjoyment: 6/10

Overall score: 66/90
Once again, it’s short so I really can’t review much. Thanks for requesting at Lost Shadows!

It’s Not As Cool As It Seems by Asian_Innocence

2010-06-29T02:17:00.000-07:00

Title: It’s Not As Cool As It Seems
Author: Asian_Innocence
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/Asian_Innocence
Reviewer: dramafreak4eva @ Lost Shadows
[lostshadows.co.nr]

Title: 4/5
The title though is long but does suit the story. It’s not really eye catching but is alright for a title. I actually like the title as it does explain the whole story without telling much but saying that ‘it’s not as cool as it seems’ is a very good title for your story.

Poster/Background: 9/10
I liked your poster; it’s pretty simple and included the things that were needed in a usual poster. Background was great, no problems for me. Teriyaki18 did a pretty good job overall.

Forewords: 3/5
Your forewords were written well since it is your first foreword and story that you have written on Winglin. You did include a summary and a character description which was a good start. Most reviewers including me do not prefer writers listing the things of a character using a list. Using sentences would be great, it’s just much better than using dot points. I did spot some grammar mistakes which is why I had to deduct a mark off.

Plot: 12/15
Your plot is just fantastic. It may not be one of the most plots but I absolutely loved it. It thing I like it is it’s mostly realistic unlike most fanfics out there which are oh so perfect and just will never happen to me no matter how hard I try. Just the part that Chomin being Yunho’s cousin is just..unrealistic but that really doesn’t matter. The events that happened such as Chomin losing her purse, getting caught by the security officers and others are the ones I really like because they were ‘realistic’.

Flow: 10/10
The flow of the whole story was perfect; you didn’t rush or drag it. It was just perfect. Many people seem to tend rush the intro but I’m glad you didn’t. Everything worked out fine.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 13/15
Wow, you used a very wide range of vocabulary in your story. You did have a few spelling and grammar mistakes here and there but they weren’t very noticeable so it’s fine. Nothing was that big to be listed since you did re-read a few chapters. Good job.

Characterization: 9/10
I understood the characters fairly well as you did include quite a lot of details in your story. You had great characterizations in your story as to explaining the characters, objects or just small things. Everything flowed well, the feelings of each person, their actions and other things were nicely flowed and made the story even better. I could imagine the scenes in my head so well. Very well done here.

Originality: 9/10
It is original as the storyline is based on realistic things that can be able to happen to you. Although Chomin being Yunho’s cousin isn’t really original, other things were. I did deduct one mark because of that.

Writing style: 10/10
I absolutely loved it. I can tell straightaway that you did put in effort in your writing. Your writing style is just perfect for me; it’s enjoyed, understandable and lastly neat. No criticism here, just love it. How you wrote your story just really makes the reader asking for more. That’ll lead to more readers and other good things. Although each chapter was very long it doesn’t really matter. Great job, full points.

Overall enjoyment: 8/10
I cannot tell you how much I enjoyed reading your story. I’m also a fan of DBSK and besides that your trailer was great. Glad I’m able to read this story of yours.

Overall score: 87/100

Great job! I’m a strict reviewer so that’s a high mark. Good luck on your future fanfics!

5 Sexy Guys Loves 1 Ugly Me?! by Airah

2010-06-22T13:55:00.000-07:00

Author: Airah
Story Title: 5 Sexy Guys Loves 1 Ugly Me?!
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/five_lovers/
Reviewer: DarkAngel

Title: 4/5

-I personally think your title is too long. Maybe you can find a shorter title that fits your story. Other than that, it matches your story a lot.

Poster/Background: 8.5/10

-Your poster is nice. I like the combination of colors and the guys look really cute XD. The background, however, didn’t really have the same effect on me. I thought you could have done something more to the BG. And for the text, it was hard to read occassionally because of the pictures, but other than that, it was fine.

Forewords: 3.5/5

-You could have included a little introduction for each character to let the reader know what each was like. The preview was good; it got me interested! But even with the characters’ names and the preview, it looks too short. You should add some things to make it longer.

Plot: 10/15

-First off, I would like to say that you lost me starting from the 2nd chapter. It got confusing and it took me a while to catch up. I also don’t get the bathroom part in chapter 3. I suggest you elaporate more. Also, this plot isn’t exactly “creative” or “unique”. I’ve seen this plot many times. You should add more of a twist in your story to make it more interesting to read.

Flow: 7/10

-Like I said earlier, you should explain more. Other than that, your pace is fine.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 12/15

You need to proof-read after you finish your story. Two things you need to work on are to change past tense to present, add commas, make longer sentences, and capitalize only names and the first letter in a sentence. Here are some examples:

Incorrect: "Oh yeah. But still,I hate people who act like that." He said. I nod in agreement.

Correct: "Oh yeah. But still, I hate people who act like that," he says. I nod in agreement.

***

Incorrect: As soon as he step into the room a hand pulls him out.

Correct: As soon as he steps into the room, a hand pulls him out.

***

Incorrect: My good mood suddenly turned real bad.

Correct: My good mood suddenly turns really bad.

***

Incorrect: "Just so you know, even though I did the work doesn't mean its right. I just compared it with my work from before, and guess what?" He says.

Correct: “Just so you know, even though I did the work doesn’t mean it’s right. I just compare it with my work from before, and guess what?” he says.

***

Incorrect: I see Sae Rok. I decided to say hi. But standing from here, she wouldn't really be able to hear me so instead I just wave. I see that she waved back.

Correct: I see Sae Rok. I decide to say hi, but standing from here, she wouldn’t really be able to hear me, so instead I just wave. I see that she waves back.

Hope that helps!

Characterization: 7/10

-I didn’t really get the beginning because the characters kept changing their personality. Does Sae Rok hate Yoochun, or are they still friends? He seems to worry about her (like more main guys worry about their girl).

Originality: 7/10

-I have to say, this plot wasn’t really original. But some things included in the chapters were stuff I’ve never seen before. You didn’t exactly add a twist, but you added something I haven’t seen before.

Writing style: 9/10

-One small thing that bothered me was the lack of paragraphs in the story. By adding paragraphs, it makes the format look more professional. Other than that, I have no problems with it whatsoever.

Overall enjoyment: 10/10

-If I wasn’t reviewing this story, I would be more relaxed. I actually like it very much! You have a great sense of humor. But since I’m a reviewer, I have to do my job. Still, great job with the story!

Overall score: 78/100

Eye of Raven by Pararae

2010-06-22T13:53:00.000-07:00

Author: Pararae
Story Title: Eye of Raven
Story URL: http://peaceful-pandemonium.blogspot.com/2010/04/eye-of-raven.html
Reviewer: DarkAngel

Title: 5/5

-Very creative! Your title sounds really interesting and it captured my attention. What I expected was completely wrong. “Eye of Raven” sounds dangerous and daring- just like assassins.

Poster/Background: 7/10

-You didn’t exactly have a poster, but the banner looks really nice. I can’t give you a 10 since you don’t have a poster, but the flower is pretty. There wasn’t much of a background, but black suits the story.

Forewords: 5/5

-I will count the introduction part as the forewords. Your definition for each word was unique and different from what I would think. You also included the genre, background information, and the characters’ names. Though you had all of that, I think it would be better if you told us a little bit more about the characters just to let the reader know about them beforehand.

Plot: 13/15

-Your plot was unique and different, but I’ve read many stories involving assassins before. It’s a good touch, but it’s already been used several times already. The mission was very creative! I would have never thought Mimie would have the H.K. tattoo! You twisted the story and made it your own way. That’s what a great writer does.

Flow: 10/10

-The flow was perfect! It wasn’t too fast or too slow. The fighting part was better than I expected! Most of the time, it would be difficult to create a good paced fighting scene, but you did it! Good job!

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 13/15

-Your vocabulary was amazing! I have NEVER seen anyone with a big vocabulary as you. There were some words that I haven’t even seen or heard of! Your spelling and grammar was also perfect. There were only a few mistakes, but they were uncommon.

Characterization: 8/10

-I was lost near the middle. The characters were easy to understand, but I had to say, they had common personas. I’d suggest you add more of a twist to your characters’ personality, fate, and past.

Originality: 8/10

-Assassins are seen in many movies and stories. The surprising part was Mimie. I still think you can add a little “something” in there.

Writing style: 10/10

-I don’t really have a problem with your writing style. It’s perfect just the way it is!

Overall enjoyment: 8.5/10

-Like I mentioned earlier, I was got confused when I reached the middle of the first part. I guess it’s just my way of thinking, but it’s frustrating when you get mixed up.

Overall score: 87.5/100

*Sorry for the long wait! I admit- I got a little lazy, but it was a pretty good story! Keep up the good work!

When Two Different Worlds Collide by arlean19

2010-06-20T02:15:00.000-07:00

Author: arlean19
Story Title : When Two Different Worlds Collide
Story URL: www.winglin.net/fanfic/arlean19
Reviewer: mg6991

Title: 3/5

-Your title was good, but I really didn’t see its connection to your plot.

Poster/Background: 6/10

-Your poster wasn’t really good, no offense but I rather see you use another picture.

Forewords: 3/5

-Your Forewords was alright, but it’s like your already telling them what’s going to happen. It’s not like that. The Forewords section is used to write a short summary of the story and of your characters. You really shouldn’t tell them what’s going to happen.

Plot: 10/15

-Your plot was very simple and very common. I’ve seen many plots like this.

Flow: 6/10

- I really couldn’t understand your flow. Your events in one chapter are going too fast. You should describe those certain events more. I was always left hanging after an event had happened.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 13/15

-You’re using too much “…” or “!!” or “??”. Only one of these can be used to express a certain feeling.

Characterization: 8/10

-You described the main characters well enough even though the others weren’t.

Originality: 5/10

-Just like what I said in the plot section, it was too common.

Writing style: 8/10

-You started the contents of your chapters to be very short. And then it suddenly became long. You should really maintain only one length on how long or short it should be.

Overall enjoyment: 6/10

-I really didn’t enjoy it much. Sorry!

Overall score: 68/100

Trust by ava_lava

2010-06-20T02:13:00.000-07:00

Author: ava_lava
Story Title : Trust
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/ava_lava2/
Reviewer: mg6991

Title: 3/5

-Your title was too simple. It can’t attract the eyes of the readers. But nevertheless, it has a connection to your plot.

Poster/Background: 10/10

-I love your poster! It’s nicely done!

Forewords: 3/5

-Your forewords were a bit long. You put only a short summary of your plot and your characters in the Forewords. But it seems that you have already given your readers a small preview.

Plot: 15/15

-I love your plot! It seems like its pretty simple at first sight, but when you read its chapters, it’s actually unique!!

Flow: 8/10

-I can’t understand your flow sometimes. The part where Jae fell in love with Yunho was a bit fast. But there were some parts in where in seems a bit rushed. You should maintain an average pace. Not too fast, not too slow.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 15/15

-You have perfect grammar! Wow! I sometimes don’t get on why you have to use ‘Yah’. But its good.

Characterization: 9/10

-You described Jae and Yunho very well. But it seems that your characterization of Junsu and Yoochun isn’t a bit good. But it’s fine, nevertheless.

Originality: 10/10

-I haven’t seen any stories like yours! Great work!

Writing style: 10/10

-I just love how you write. Keep up the good work!

Overall enjoyment: 8/10

Overall score: 91/100

-That’s pretty high!! Keep doing your best!

Things Chansung Hates by Jtoasn

2010-06-17T03:19:00.001-07:00

Title: Things Chansung Hates

Author: Jtoasn

URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/tch/

Reviewer: dramafreak4eva @ Lost Shadows [lostshadows.co.nr]

Title: 2/5

The title wasn’t that appealing and it also did not relate to your story. When I first received the request, I had thought it would be about the things that Chansung hate but unfortunately, it didn’t turned out to be what I had thought.

Poster/Background: -/10

No poster or background was provided.

Forewords: 3/5

The forewords did include all of the necessary information that was needed. The plot summary needed to be clearer though. It was about how Chansung hated.. the smell of Jay, instead you stated that it was about the things that Chansung hated. You needed more detail for readers to show interest in the story.

Plot: 13/15

There wasn’t exactly a plot in the end; but it turned out to be one. It was a very interesting plot to read as you made the shirt and smell link to Jay’s departure. You really did make the story fascinating for readers to keep reading on. Great job.

Flow: 7/10

It was all good until the part where Chansung started to like Jay. Until there, it was a bit rushed. Other than that, it was pretty good overall. There’s nothing much else to say.

Spelling/Grammer/Vocabulary: 15/15

I didn’t find any errors in your grammar or vocabulary.

Characterization: 6/10

I didn’t really understand Chansung and only knew that he hates the smell of Jay and then suddenly likes him and wishes that he didn’t leave 2PM. That’s all I knew about Chansung. You needed to have more background information and details about him. You could’ve at least added a few character descriptions in the forewords.

Orginality: 9/10

It’s original as I haven’t seen any other story like yours, writing like this. I like it.

Writing style: 9/10

Your writing style is very easy to read and understand. I deduced one mark because I felt your oneshot was just way too short.

Overall enjoyment: 9/10

Overall score: 73/90

The Edge of Sanity by Jian You

2010-06-16T14:04:00.000-07:00

Title: The Edge of Sanity
Author: Jian You
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/jianyou2/
Reviewed by: ShadowYin | lostshadows.co.nr
SYNote: I'm so sorry about your long wait. *bows*

Title: 5/5
I like it. It’s unique. Matched the fanfic really well, which actually surprised me…somehow.

Poster/Background: 7/10
One of the creepiest posters around. The background was a bit distracting in my opinion, it really made it difficult to read. The poster really prepared the readers for what was going to happen. But yes, the poster contained quite a few elements? It looked creepy, but the images look a bit too depressing? Think the poster should be darker since this is one of the ‘darkest’ stories I’ve read.

Forewords: 2.5/5
Not that great. Gave a really cliché impression to the fanfic. Didn’t like how you listed about the traits of the characters, and since there aren't so many things about them, why didn’t you just put it in sentences?
If I read that, I wouldn’t want to read on, sorry.

Plot: 15/15
Loved it! Really shocked me.

Flow: 8/10
Your flow worked perfectly since the character was obviously insane. However at the part where you wrote:
He kicks the dirt off his shoes onto the mat. He throws off his trench coat and tosses it on the hook. He sets his briefcase down softly.

I didn’t think the listing of sentences were effective. I think you should’ve just described things normally in a few sections just to show your versatility in writing. Although I can see that short sentences worked perfectly in the characterization of the ‘you’ character.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 11/15
Lots of minor mistakes.

You wrote:
her's (should be HERS)

You wrote:
…louder and louder each syllable (I think you meant ‘louder and louder AFTER each syllable’.)

You wrote:
The mock (THEY mock)

You wrote:
…blue throw pillow (‘blue pillow’ would do.)

You wrote:
…feeling seven swipe (…feeling with seven wipes…)

You wrote:
Is is my birthday (Is IT my birthday)

You wrote:
…but not enough to the point the become unconscious… (…but not enough to the point THEY become unconscious)

Characterization: 10/10
Speechless. Your characterization was brilliant.

Originality: 10/10
Original, I say no more. It’s often that we hear stories about the insane people and murderers. However, you’ve really explored into the mind of the insane, I’m really impressed.

Writing style: 7/10
I didn’t like it as much. Since it was written in ‘you’ format, it was like everything was a command. Like…’you do this do that’.

I would’ve personally have preferred it if you wrote it in the past tense and in first person instead.

Overall enjoyment: 7.5/10
You blew me away with your originality.

Overall score: 83/100

Rather by RAINxclouds

2010-06-16T12:38:00.001-07:00

Title: Rather
Author: RAINxclouds
URL: http://winglin.net/fanfic/RATHER__
Reviewed by: ShadowYin | lostshadows.co.nr
SYNote: I actually read this fanfic before. Sorry for the long wait, its cause the original reviewer wasn’t able to complete your review. *bows 10032192 times*

Title: 4/5
Unique, short related I like it. However, I know you linked the title in your forwards already, but I would’ve liked it to read it at the end again to emphasize why you chose ‘Rather’ as your title.

Poster/Background: 8/10
It’s cool but the poster wouldn’t really make me interested in your fanfic as much as your title. I mean, the colours are dull but it doesn’t really seem sad to me. I don’t know…personal opinion.

Forewords: 4/5
Loved the forewords. It was short and caught the readers’ interest. Well done! However, half a point taken away because I believe there were some unnecessary comas involved and another half a point taken away because it was a bit too short for my liking. Once again it’s personal opinion. I loved that song ever since reading your fanfic btw.

Plot: 12/15
Your plot…I’m pretty sure that there are a lot of plots out there similar to yours but your fanfic really seems special. Some of the descriptions you included really pulled your marks up in this section.
Two points are taken away, because it was quite confusing when there were other fictionals involved. I was somehow lost as to who likes who, also I didn’t think they were that important to include in a one-shot especially when you only wrote a few short sentences about them.
Other than that, I loved your plot.
It felt really unique and special even though the idea of ‘ghosts’ are quite overused now.

Finally, I thought your plot wasn’t really that well thought out. Probably due to some of the constant snappy sentences which made your fanfic appear in a more of a script form of writing. However, overall it was a fantastic plot.

Flow: 6.5/10
When you reached the dialogue, it was like one short sentence after another. Try to expand on it a little bit more?
If you reduced the amount of short sentences it might’ve helped the flow of your story.
Some parts, I would’ve liked to read more about like their feelings and reactions. Some parts were done perfectly, whilst I thought some sections were lacking a bit of description.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 12/15
Some unnecessary comas involved here and there. Some typos, and some weird sentences. Minor errors which could’ve been spotted by proof reading.

You wrote:
Noice (I think you meant noise.)
Wer (I think you meant were)
Dove (I’m pretty sure, a dove is a bird. I think you meant ‘dived’)

You wrote:
They sat surrounded in bags – (They sat SURROUNDING THE bags…)
She let her bare feet dangle off the cliff walls and she stared – (no need for another ‘she’ in the sentence. ‘…and stared…’ would do fine.

You had great vocabulary, but I still thought it would be better if you varied your connectives. A lot of ‘and’ throughout. I didn’t find anything wrong with you using them because they were effective. However you haven’t shown me the use of other connectives which allows your writing to look more sophisticated.

Characterization: 7/10
Understood the characters really well, but like I said, some of the other characters got me confused, especially the love web going on. If you had included more description on the characters, I’m sure you would’ve gotten more marks in this section.

Your characterization for some characters were great, you just need to be more consistent with your descriptions.

Originality: 8.5/10
You’ve convinced me that it’s original. Falling asleep then getting drowned…Don’t really see that often on winglin.

However, one mark taken away because you included the love web. I didn’t mind Jaemin, I thought she was a crucial character but the other original characters felt like they were just placed there like all the other winglin fanfics. Also, when you were trying to explain that they were heartbroken…I wasn’t really convinced. I think to be a little bit more original just throw in more description about the other characters, just to convince me that this isn’t like the other winglin ‘heartbroken’ fanfics. The description doesn’t have to be as long as your main characters, but just briefly to tell the readers that this is your work and you know what you’re talking about.

Writing style: 7.5/10
You didn’t write in paragraphs, but that’s fine. I would’ve thought paragraphs may have helped with the flow, but its fine. It’s simple and easy to understand. Love your descriptions, but when you started writing short sentences, there was a whole stack of them. Try to mix them a little bit?

Also, PLEASE use more varied connectives; it makes the writing slightly better and shows me that your vocabulary is good.

I had to admit, I was confused at the part where you were doing a flashback describing how Yunni died. I remember the first time when I read it; I thought it was just out of the blue. It was all a bit too sudden and I wasn’t sure what was going on. It’s a unique way of illustrating a flashback, but I think putting ‘FLASHBACK’ at the top would’ve helped.

Overall enjoyment: 8.5/10
I enjoyed it a lot. It’s one of those one-shots which would stick with me for a long time. Regardless of what I said above which I hope would help you to improve in future, I regard you as a very talented writer. The 1.5 is taken off because I believe your plot could’ve been even better.

Overall score: 78/100

I really hope to read more fanfics from you in future ^^

Apple and Cinnamon by Darkess

2010-06-16T10:29:00.000-07:00

Title: Apple and Cinnamon
Author: Darkess
URL: http://winglin.net/fanfic/cinnamonapple/
Reviewed by: hanichan32319 @ Lost Shadows

**This review is a few months overdue, and I apologize deeply for being so late with it. Life just caught up with me. :-/**

Title: 4/5
You made me CRAVE Apple Jacks after reading that, honey. XD It was a very different title, and it really caught my interest.

Poster/Background: 9/10
Your poster looked amazing! The colors reminded me of the outside and inside of a delicious apple. It wasn’t too bright and repelling (always keep in mind that neon is NEVER the way to go with posters), but it wasn’t all dark and emo-looking, which is always a plus. Depressing stuff really gets people down, you know? Especially if they’re not prepared to read a horribly depressing fic.

Forewords: 3/5
I understand that this one-shot was based off of Utada Hikaru’s song (I love her so much!!!), but maybe you could have cut out some of the repetitive verses/refrains…it didn’t take me long to realize I was rereading things, and that got kinda boring. You don’t want to lose your readers just in the forewords.

Plot: 12/15
It wasn’t all birthday-candled (like you just randomly stuck things into the story, as one would do with a candle to a birthday cake), but there wasn’t exactly much of a plot. It was more of a “Here is a couple, here’s how they got together, and here’s how they broke up.” Even though it was a one-shot, you could have gone into deeper detail. Maybe you could have spoken about the fight, no matter how insignificant the narrator may have thought it was.

Flow: 7/10
I had no idea what grade these characters were in, and you just sort of time-skipped to senior year, where they drifted apart.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 13/15
It’s obvious this wasn’t written by a twelve-year-old crazed fangirl (and if it was, you’re very deceiving and intelligent for your age ^^). Your vocabulary wasn’t average; it was actually a bit more expanded than a lot of other authors on winglin. Mucho kudos!

Characterization: 7/10
Onew seemed too…good to be true, at first. The fictional girl has a major crush, and he just so happens to have one on her, as well? I kinda wanted to know more about why he chose to get back with the girl from a few years back. That threw me off a little; it sounded like he and the narrator broke up, but then it didn’t. I was so confused!

Originality: 8/10
There are a lot of these on winglin: boy and girl have crush on each other, fall hard, and then break up. That’s the story of Life. Haha!

One thing that saved you on the story: you didn’t try to insert yourself into it. You didn’t give the girl a name or anything like that; it was almost like a template for the reader. You just made it sound like a girl who was going through the motions of a relationship. You didn’t Mary-Jane it, either. I’m proud.

Writing style: 8/10
The only thing I had against you was your choice of font color. That really hurt my eyes, darling. Ha! But anyway, at least you had sense to split your story into paragraphs. A lot of other writers either use Tab way too much, or they have no idea what an Enter key is.

Overall enjoyment: 7/10
It was a nice read, but not something I’d go out of my way to find. Maybe if you made this into a longer story, with dialogue and conflict and yada yada…it’d be a little more interesting. Good job overall on everything, though!

Overall score: 78/100

Tik Tok [CCM Challenge] - tubbyGENx3

2010-06-16T07:15:00.000-07:00

Author: tubbyGENx3
Story title: Tik Tok [CCM Challenge]
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/challengeOO1/
Reviewer: mg6991

Title: 5/5

- Seeing that you used the song title for the title of your one-shot, I think that it suits your story very well. It is also an unusual title for me which can attract the eye of a reader.

Poster/Background: 10/10

- I just love your poster! I think that it really suits the mood of your story!

Forewords: 3/5

- I think that when it comes in writing something in the Forewords section, you should really put up a short summary of the story and not just a part from the story itself. You should also put up a short description of your characters.

Plot: 11/15

- I have seen a lot of plots like these. It’s a very common plot actually, but you’re one of the authors that have written this plot nicely.

Flow: 9/10

- The flow was nicely done, not too fast, not too draggy. Well done!!

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 14/15

- Although I have seen only a few mistakes, your grammar was alright. But you don’t always have to use a semi-colon.

Characterization: 9/10

- I can really tell the personalities of your characters. Nice work!

Originality: 8/10

- Even though it was a common plot, your style of writing made it unique.

Writing style: 10/10

- Keep up the good work! Your writing style is good!

Overall enjoyment: 7/10

- I’m not really a fan of happy endings but you’re happy ending is one of the bests I have ever seen.

Overall score: 87/100

- Keep doing your best! I can see that your one of the best writers out there!!

An Eye through My Heart, for the Sight of You by Phoebe a.k.a Phebs

2010-06-12T14:35:00.000-07:00

Author: Phoebe a.k.a Phebs
Story title: An Eye through My Heart, for the Sight of You
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/bj_phebs/
Reviewer: ShadowYin
SYNote: Sorry for this long review…I hope this helps you in future when you're writing, and I hope this doesn't offend you in any way or form.

Title: 4/5
It’s original, and it interested me a lot. However, the ‘for’ I think the ‘f’ should be capitalised? Also, it’s a bit long so it wouldn’t be one of those titles which I would be able for a long time.

Poster/Background: 10/10
You know I love your works :) I really love the quote you included as well.

Forewords: 3/5
I loved the imagery and it was a brilliant opening to the fanfic. However, what lost you marks was mainly your grammar along with a few awkward sentence structures here and there which disturbed the flow of your story. Also, there were moments where I didn’t quite understand what you were trying to say.

At the end, Jaejoong claimed: ‘It was a scary feeling.’
He got hit by a car, and that short sentence wasn’t enough to convince me that he had just been hit by a car. What about the pain, the shock and the blood? Remember, people aren’t really that logically when something unexpected happens. I think you could have developed that sentence a lot more. The main thing about this sentence is your use of words, ‘scary’ is not powerful enough for this situation.

Finally, you lost marks on the level of description. Your descriptions were written beautifully until Boa was screaming because the car crashed into Jaejoong. How would she be screaming it? The moment when the car crashed into Jaejoong allowed you to leave an impact on the reader. In fact, you could’ve taken readers’ breath away if you added more description to the scene.

Plot: 10/15
Your plot has potential to be strong, but it’s not. The idea that Jaejoong is a blind pianist already makes your fanfic different from others. Therefore, it would be nice to see more description in the beginning to make the plot more solid.
Your plot really allowed you to explore into the characters, the surroundings etc. So I would’ve liked to see more of it.
The dream, I can’t say its cliché, because it’s not and it did leave an impact on me which was right at the end in chapter 6. Maybe the dream was going a little bit too long? For example, some scenes with Minho weren’t really necessary.

The plot got more interesting near the end, but I suppose it was the build up from the beginning that created that impact. It would’ve been better if it was amazing all the way through.

The puzzling thing for me about the plot is I would’ve thought his parents would want to find a donor for their son. Some parents are even willing to donate their own eyes just so their children could see. I really think you should’ve explored deeper into the love between parents and children. If some parents are willing to make such sacrifices for their children, why would they be against them looking for a donor?

Flow: 6/10

In all honesty, your flow wasn’t that great. In some areas, I thought that if you placed a line in a new paragraph and possibly expand on it, the flow would have been better.
Remember, the flow connects with the punctuation, sentence/paragraph structure as well as vocabulary. You don’t want readers to pause when unnecessary nor do you want them to stumble on awkward sentence structures.

Example of what you wrote:
BoA suddenly let out a shriek as she missed a step and stumbled unbalance, about to fall to the ground. Reacting quick, Jaejoong reached a hand out to grab her hand and she was pulled to his embrace. Still leaning against his chest, she lifted her head up to meet his face and saw he was chuckling.

Note: You have about ten things going on in that little paragraph, and it feels more like you’re trying to list what’s going on in your head. Listing is effective when you list out adjectives or adverbs, not sentences. Tip: Take time to think about the image you’ve got in your mind before putting it into words. There’s no need to rush.

Edited example of the first sentence:
BoA suddenly let out a high-pitched shriek as she accidently missed a step which caused her to lose her balance, resulting in her falling helplessly from her stance. (See how adjectives could be used to pad sentences out? Also, a variation of connectives enables your sentences to flow better rather than using ‘and’ all the time.)

Some parts, I thought was going WAY too fast, then when I realised it was all a dream, the flow made more sense, since it’s natural for dreams to move at a faster pace in my opinion. However, the flow at the beginning could still be worked on.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 9.5/15
Firstly, I’ve nagged a lot of requesters about this. Even though you don’t do it as often, I would still like to see a wider range of connectives used rather than the repetition of ‘and’. It is THE worst enemy of writers, please avoid it.

IN THE FOREWORDS

You wrote:
‘…which little kid won’t have their own little world where their wildest imagination come to life.’ – It’s a question; therefore you lacked the question mark at the end.

My version:
‘…which little kid wouldn’t have their own little world where their wildest imagination could come to life?’

You wrote:
‘I told her much innocently…’ – Personally I think ‘told her innocently’ or ‘told her with much innocent’ would sound better.

You wrote:
‘…causing me to shrank’ – ‘causing’ is present tense ‘shrank’ is past. It would have made more sense if you said ‘which caused me to shrank’ or ‘causing me to shrink’

You wrote:
‘…after the car crashed on me.’ – ‘crashed INTO’ not ‘on’

CHAPTER ONE
You wrote: She had all these years blamed herself for that accident, but he never once put that thought in his mind, because he knew…

My version: She had BLAMED HERSELF FOR ALL THESE YEARS for that accident, but he never once put that thought in mind, because he knew…

You wrote: BoA walked over to the piano and stood beside Jaejoong as he started to play the piano, letting its melody filled the air around the mall.

Notes: You already mentioned piano once, so no need to mention it again, also it’s ‘fill’ not ‘filled’ as you have used ‘letting’ before it.

Minor errors like ‘Mino’ in chapter 3 when you meant ‘Minho’
‘Boost’ in chapter 4 should be ‘boast’
Tip: proof read.

Characterization: 8/10
I loved the characterization here. How Jaejoong knows Boa really well and how Boa tries to protect him.

However, Boa and Minho’s characters aren’t so believable when Minho was doing his confession. I was like: ‘is that all he’s going to say?’ and ‘how can she act so calmly?!’

I loved that fact that you stuck to simple language when writing about Jaejoong and Boa when they were young. Also, in chapter 6, I could really see the desperation of Jaejoong when Boa was about to die. The characterisation in that chapter was simply incredible, especially Nicole’s character.

Originality: 7/10
Blind playing the piano, I can’t really say it’s original because it’s not. I’ve actually read, watched a lot of media regarding the blind, and each one was so unique and original at the same time that I just couldn’t forget about it. With your fanfic, you didn’t really use Jaejoong’s blindness as an advantage to unleash your creativity. Although there were quite a few original elements in there, details and description is what motivates me to give you marks in this section. You had a moderate amount of those, but not enough to convince me that it’s original.

More marks were given due to the originality at the end where Jaejoong explains that he only needed one eye through his heart to see Boa.

Writing style: 8.5/10
Enough criticizing, time for some praises.
I saw some fantastic uses of:
Alliteration
Metaphors
Similes
Rhetorical questions
Personification
A good balance between dialogue and description

However, I think it’s important that you add a description about how the characters deliver their lines after the dialogue. It leaves readers to wonder if they were timid, arrogant etc.

Overall enjoyment: 9/10
I enjoyed it a lot. Chapter 6 amazed me. It was my kind of chapter. The point where the exact same thing happened Jaejoong actually happened to Boa took my breath away. It was like pulling me back to the beginning. Although I would’ve liked it more if there were more description at the beginning. Also, without those minor errors would’ve been perfect.

I really would’ve wanted to read how devastated Jaejoong would’ve been at the time when he realised he was blind. I thought it would’ve made the story even more heart throbbing, but that’s my opinion.

Overall score: 75/100

The Shooting Star by eternalflower

2010-06-12T04:27:00.000-07:00

Author: eternalflower
Story Title : The Shooting Star
Story URL: winglin.net/fanfic/eternalflower
Reviewer: ShadowYin | lostshadows.co.nr

Title: 1.5/5
- Nice use of alliteration
- A bit too simple though for my liking, also it’s not really that unique.
- Doesn’t really interest me much.
- She didn’t actually wish under a shooting star did she? The ending didn’t actually relate back to the title. Personally I thought a title which made reference to the ‘red umbrella’ would’ve gained you more marks, but that’s only my opinion.

Poster/Background: 9/10
- I love the poster, but one point is taken due to the title in the poster. Not really big or stands out to me. To me, titles are really important. And I admit, I’m a bit biased, I like the designer’s works :)

Forewords: 2/5
- Giving information and a basic summary is good. However, it included a lot of grammar mistakes. My suggestion is for you to proof read.
1. He was perfect, as everyone said [Slightly a weird way of phrasing in my opinion.]
2. It was just natural, you think [‘was’ – you’re talking in the past. ‘think’ – is in present tense.]
3. make it as a happy ending [No need for ‘as’]
4. I love him although, not because. [What do you mean?]
- Like I said, it was a bit awkward to read, but when it got to the poem, I liked it.
- However, it didn’t really interest me that much; it only gave me an impression that the story would be cliché.

Plot: 10/15
Started off a bit cliché, I liked the part where Jaejoong lost the game because you tried to shock your readers. However, because that was such a crucial turning point to your fanfic, I would’ve liked to see a longer description on how he actually lost the game.

Loved the Sunny and red umbrella. It was a great twist.
I liked the plot.

Flow: 6.5/10
Some sentences didn’t flow well which resulted in it being boring.
Some parts could’ve been developed so the speed of the fiction wouldn’t suddenly increase.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 9/15
A lot of ‘and’ used within your fanfic. I would suggest try to vary your connectives a bit more? It’s a boring word, so try not to use it too often, or throw in some other connectives.

You wrote:
‘traveled’ – It should be ‘travelled’ [Chapter 2]

You wrote:
‘I even bother to fell in love’ – I think ‘fell’ should ‘fall’. [Chapter 2]

You wrote:
‘…you're going to come…’ – should be ‘you’re going to go’. [Chapter 2]
Also, please read this:
"What? Don't tell me you're going to come to her classroom AND call out her name, dragging her to the backyard to tell her to just back off AND leave Kim Jaejoong alone because you like him AND it makes him yours AND you don't like sharing with anyone, especially not with her?"

1. The unnecessary repetition of ‘and’
2. It’s too long to be a sentence and you only had two comas. Please try read from ‘dragging’ to ‘anyone’ in one breathe then you would understand what I mean.

You wrote:
‘We were on different classes this year’ – supposed to be: ‘We ARE IN different classes this year’ [chapter 2]

You wrote:
‘…he never lose before’ – supposed to be: ‘he never LOST before’ [chapter 3]

You wrote:
‘I stepped one closer to him’ – I think you missed out the word ‘step’ [chapter 3]

You wrote:
“Yeah, I will. I’m not into badminton that much, actually. Well, I guess I’ll join a club with loose schedule, this time.” – Some of the comas were slightly unnecessary. Think it would be better like this:
“Yeah, I will. I’m not into badminton that much actually. Well, I guess I’ll join a club with a looser schedule this time.” [Chapter 5]

You wrote:
‘I quickly opened my bad’ – Should be ‘bag’ not ‘bad’. [Chapter 6]

Please proof read before posting your fanfic.

Characterization: 7/10
I was really impressed with your characterisation. Well done. Although, there were some part which I thought was quite awkward that made me wonder: ‘would they really do or say that?’ But generally, it was good.

Originality: 8/10
A bit cliché at the beginning, but I could see a bit of originality here and there. This mark would’ve been higher if you added something a little bit more creative at the beginning.

Writing style: 6.5/10
I see too many of ‘…’ going on. You can argue that you used it to show characterisation of the reader. However, to me it didn’t have that effect.
You had some good description in here.

I really liked your short paragraphs before your actual chapter; also I loved your format and structure as well.

However, I think your style can be linked to your vocabulary as well. Please vary your words a bit more, especially ‘and’, it gets really boring after reading it a lot of times.

Also, in one chapter, I caught you placing two dialogues from different speakers on the same line. Remember, different speaker, different line.

Overall enjoyment: 7.5/10
In all honesty, I was bored from the first half of the fiction. Then, I started to like it after reading a few more chapters. It’s a good fiction, but you just need to work on spelling/punctuation/grammar/vocabulary.

Loved the twists!

The last few chapters simply took my breath away :)

However, I would’ve liked it even more if you linked the ending with ‘shooting star’ rather than just what she wished for.

Overall score: 67/100

Come Back To Me by grpstrwbrry15

2010-06-12T02:04:00.000-07:00

Name: grpstrwbrry15
Story Title: Come Back To Me
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/grpstrwbrry_01/
Reviewer: Airah

Title: 4/5
The title is simple and doesn't really catch my attention but it does fit the story so well.

Poster/Background: 8/10
I like the poster and background because it fits with the atmosphere and adds feelings into it.

Forewords: 5/5

I really like how you put part of the story in the forewords help the readers know what the story is about and that's what hooked me in the story. I like how you didn't include the personalities of the characters or anything about them other than the couple pairings because it helps keeps the story alive by getting the readers know who the characters are by themselves through the story.

Plot: 15/15

I like the plot since its based on a true story. It's very nice.

Flow: 10/10

Perfect. Not too slow nor fast.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 14.5/15

I noticed this:

Lucky Kibum-sshi (the landlord) is kind and generous. This is from the letter Jun Hee wrote.

I think that instead of lucky, it should be luckily.

But other than that, your grammar and vocabulary are good.

Characterization: 9.5/10

This is the kind of story where you can't really tell if you got to know the person well especially Junsu because of his problem. Same goes with Jaejoong and Kibum. The others we got to know pretty well.

Originality: 10/10

Very original. Since it is based on a true story and because I have never read something that was based on a true story.

Writing style: 10/10

Very easy and simple to understand.

Overall enjoyment: 10/10

I cried when Junsu came back to normal! I loved it! I love YooSu!

Overall score: 96/100

Raisonnement, Confiance and Fric - Pararae

2010-05-17T09:01:00.000-07:00

Name: Pararae
Story Title : Raisonnement, Confiance and Fric
Story URL: http://peaceful-pandemonium.blogspot.com/2010/04/raisonnement-confiance-and-fric.html
Reviewer: DarkAngel

Title: 5/5

-Very nice! It captured the readers’ attention! It related to the story and was very creative. Good job!

Poster/Background: -/10

-No points for this, but the picture was very nice! I thought it looked pretty.

Forewords: 5/5

-I guess I can count the introduction as the forewords. If so, then 5 POINTS! It was very unique and creative to add in the definitions of the words. That isn’t seen often in stories, so kudos for that.

Plot: 14/15

-It was a creative and different plot. I liked it. It was interesting when I found out they were female assassins. You don’t see those around anymore! It was nice to read something unique and different.

Flow: 8/10

-I didn’t find it rushed, but it was slightly lagging or slow. Since this was a one shot drabble, I couldn’t exactly tell.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 14/15

-There were just a few typos and mistakes, but they weren’t huge ones. It’s one of those mistakes that are made when you type too fast and you don’t notice.

Characterization: 8/10

-You didn’t get to know the characters very well, like their past or experiences. It would have been better if you introduced the characters more.

Originality: 9/10

-Though the assassins were a nice touch, it sounded a little typical. I know I said that it was unique and different, but it could have been more. It would be more interesting if you added a twist or something like a “bang!”

Writing style: 8/10

-The paragraphs were a bit too big for me to read (probably because I’m younger). It was very detailed- perhaps too detailed for a one shot. It’s nice to tell a lot, but try to make it more simple. If it’s too formal, it’s more boring to read.

Overall enjoyment: 9/10

Overall score: 80/90

But No R - Susan Lee

2010-05-17T08:58:00.000-07:00

Name: Susan Lee
Story Title : But No R
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/suxsan3/
Reviewer: DarkAngel

Title: 5/5

-It was a pretty unique title. At first glance, I wondered what the story was about. Once I finished reading it, I finally understood why you named it what it was.

Poster/Background: 7/10

-The poster and BG were cute, but it was a little boring. The pictures kept repeating and there wasn’t anything very “eye-catching”. It was pretty though.

Forewords: 3/5

-I thought the forewords were a bit short. The little prologue or summary didn’t exactly describe the plot that well, but it gave a little information. The introduction of the characters were a little short and not very informative, but at least you added something about them.

Plot: 13/15

-The story was soothing and relaxing. I guess you can say it was cute. There wasn’t a big “bang” or a lot of excitement in there, so slightly bored me. Other than that, I thought it was good.

Flow: 9/10

-The flow was fine the way it was! The only thing was you didn’t add enough detail to help the reader visualize. It would have been better if you told a bit more.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 12/15

-There were many grammar mistakes in there. You switched from present tense to past tense often. You should change some of the “your” to “you’re”. That was one mistake I found. It would help if you reread what you wrote to make sure you didn’t make some silly mistakes.

Characterization: 8/10

-I can tell the personalities of the characters, but I can’t exactly imagine what happened very well. It wasn’t exactly detailed.

Originality: 9/10

-It was a simple plot, but it was also unique in a way.

Writing style: 8/10

-It looked too spaced out. You should make paragraphs before you indent. The way you write was fine, but paragraphs just make it look more professional. I liked the way you mentioned the thoughts of your characters. It was humorous :)

Overall enjoyment: 9/10

-It was very nice! Good job!

Overall score: 83/100

It was the ticking - Jtoasn

2010-04-30T08:16:00.001-07:00

Author: Jtoasn
Story Title : It was the ticking
Story URL: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5824814/1/It_was_the_ticking
Reviewer: ShadowYin | lostshadows.co.nr

Title: 5/5

Unique, related, catchy.

Poster/Background: -/10

Forewords: -/5

Plot: 12/15

Not really strong, but it’s good for a one shot. It makes people see a different side of Malfoy.

Flow: 10/10

Good flow throughout! Nicely controlled. The pace increases with his thoughts…I like it.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 12/15

They're dying to meet you" (Where’s the full stop?)

No, that's not what he wanted. (Quite confused since he doesn’t have a wife yet, shouldn’t it be ‘No, that’s not what he wants’.)

Since he’s talking about the future, shouldn’t it be written in future tense instead of past?

…he wasn't even sure that there was a girl that would want him. (…he wasn’t even sure if there would be a girl out there that would want him.) -Your sentence makes me think that he already has a girl who wants him…?-

I think vocabulary can be better. Some words could be changed to make this writing even more powerful.

Also, sometimes I thought that it wasn’t necessary for some of your sentences to be that long.

Characterization: 9/10 –

Not much I can say, since it’s only based on Malfoy’s character. I think, a little bit more description in there would really bring out his character more.

Originality: 8/10 –

Seeing a different side of a character, Malfoy thinking of his future wife…It’s original. Just because I gave 8/10 doesn’t mean it’s not original, but I simply think that a different side of someone is quite common. Also, when reading the top few sentences, it was already quite obvious how the story was going to end as well as giving the readers the idea of what it’s actually about. I personally think that if there was a twist somewhere, it would’ve gotten you full marks.

Writing style: 8/10 –

I see…

Rhetorical questions

Repetition

Similes

Alliteration

Overall enjoyment: 7/10

I love this couple. Too short for my liking, but it’s really sweet.

Overall score: 71/85 (84%)

My Husband Bought me at A Auction - MrsJaejoong

2010-04-25T09:31:00.000-07:00

Story Title: My Husband Bought me at A Auction
Story Author: MrsJaejoong
Story URL: http://winglin.net/fanfic/auction/
Reviewer: Darkess

*My reviews are not meant to harm or discourage the author, but to help them fix their stories and do better in the future. The opinions expressed in this review are mine and mine alone, and are not meant to offend you*

Title: 4/5

It isn't... grammatically correct. It should be 'at An Auction' instead of A. but... the title would definitely catch my attention on the winglin page, and it is very unique.

Poster/Background: 10/10

Beautiful poster and bg made by Teri eunnie S2.

Forewords: 3/5

I really would have loved to see a summary here, but I'm glad you put the characters and their positions, as well as the credits :)

Plot: 12/15

I really like where this is going. I found this whole story super interesting because of the auction. I'm still trying to figure out where they got all that money, and why they would be willing to spend it on a particular human, but I really like where it's going, and the twist that both Kings bid on her. Keep going with this!

Flow: 6/10

It's hard to imagine this happening in real time. Also, you said something like 'we're all trying to sleep, it's nightime' or something along those lines... but I'm 100% sure that it's common knowledge that vamps sleep during the day... unless your vampire type is just unique XD if that's the case than you should try to build on that more.

Spelling/Grammer/Vocabulary: 11/15

*bullet pas the (chapter 1)

bullet pass the - just a simple typo :P

*didn't screamed (chapter 1)

didn't scream

*so call Queen (chapter 1)

so called Queen

*A hour later (chapter 2)

An hour later

*start biding (chapter 2)

start bidding

mmk. you've made the same mistake like 20 times XD it isn't biding, it's bidding.

*and her she is (chapter 3)

and here she is

I think some stronger vocabulary could have been used as well since yours was pretty basic.

Characterization: 8/10

I thought that you built on the characters a lot in the short amount of chapters. You've built on the girl's personality, and on the perverted vampires as well. You also described the dress and the 'King Vamps' of being beautiful. A good word for Jaejoong and Khun :P

Orginality: 10/10

I can honestly say that I've never ever seen a story like this. I love the whole vampire idea (which actually IS very common since Twilight) but ... the whole auctioning off humans is a new concept to me... especially auctioning them off to Vampires... Idunno. I love the whole thing :D

Writing style: 6/10

You often switch between present and past tence. Pick one and stick with it. I like that you added a little bit of detail here and there, enough to make the story seem a little bit realistic. The one line story structure is easy to read, but... not very professional looking.

Overall enjoyment: 8/10

This story kept my attention , and I want to read more . Update soon!

Overall score: 78/100

Time forgets

2010-04-18T08:28:00.000-07:00

Title: Time Forgets

Author: RAINxclouds

Reviewer: DarkAngel @ Lost Shadows

Title: 5/5

-It’s simple, but it explains the story a lot. I personally like it because it sounds kind of sad, but that’s just my theory XD

Poster/Background: 8/10

-I really like the poster. I think it looks really nice. But the background is too plain for my liking. When you put them both together, it looks really dark. It would be nicer if there were more colors to it, but I guess it fits the story.

Forewords: 4/5

-I really like the forewords. The little prologue is nice and it makes you think. Very nice! But it would be better if you also added a little introduction about the characters.

Plot: 13/15

-Very good, but it’s kind of common. A girl is sick and dies, leaving the guy alone. Though I thought it was really good, I suppose you could have twisted it a bit more. The story was really deep. Kudos for that.

Flow: 10/10

-The flow was fine. It wasn’t fast or slow. It’s perfect for me!

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 14/15

-Your vocabulary was very good. There were a lot of words that I didn’t know, but I could tell from the context clues. I didn’t spot any spelling problems. For grammar, all you had to do was add a couple of more commas in the right places and it would have been perfect!

Characterization: 9/10

-You mainly focused on Key, which I get, but I suggest you tell the readers more about Hyunae’s personality. The reason why I thought it was deep was because you told us about Key’s feelings. It sounded very realistic and emotional.

Originality: 8/10

-Like I said before, there are many stories with the main person having a disease and then passing away. But this one was a little more unique than others (since others had leukemia, diabetes, heart problems, and things like that).

Writing style: 10/10

-I had no problem with your writing style what so ever! It’s good enough for me!

Overall enjoyment: 10/10

-I really enjoyed it, even though I’m not really a fan of sad or gloomy stories. I almost cried. GREAT JOB!

Overall score: 91/100

Love in School by lovely_smile

2010-04-13T07:26:00.000-07:00

Title: Love in School
Story URL: ww.loveinschoolfanfiction.blogspot.com
Author: lovely_smile
Reviewer: DarkAngel @ Lost Shadows

Title: 3/5

-The title isn’t very creative. It’s pretty common, but it fits well with the story. Honestly, I think you could have chosen a better one, but this one is fine.

Poster/Background: 7/10

-There isn’t a poster, but there is a banner (lol, stating the obvious). I like the banner because it’s cute, so I guess it’ll be a seven since you copied the photo from the original drama.

Forewords: 4/5

-It’s nice to know about the characters and their appearance. That way, the reader can imagine what they look like. But it would be better if you put a short summary about what the story is about.

Plot: 12/15

-I like the plot, though it’s common. It’s funny how they always get themselves into a mess every time. It’d be better if you added some kind of twist to it. Still, I like it :)

Flow: 8/10

-I thought it went kind of slow. If you could speed it up a little faster, that would be nice.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 12/15

-I spotted a few spelling problems, but it wasn’t anything major. It would be great if you added some better vocabulary. Occasionally, I see repeats too, so try to work on that.

Characterization: 10/10

-I really like your characters! They’re all different from each other, but their bonds are really strong. Though there is a lot of drama going on, they eventually make up.

Originality: 8/10

-Like I said before, this is pretty common, though I can see you try to put your own twist on it.

Writing style: 8/10

-I’m not really fond of the whole script format, but I guess it’s okay. But you describe things really well, so kudos for that.

Overall enjoyment: 8/10

-It’s common, and sometimes predictable. Other than that, I like it ^^

Overall score: 80/100

Raindrops by Ana

2010-04-09T09:12:00.000-07:00

Author: Ana
Story Title : Raindrops
Story URL: http://winglin.net/fanfic/_raindrops
Reviewer: ShadowYin | lostshadows.co.nr

Title: 3.5/5 – simple, related. Not very creative though.

Poster/Background: 8/10 – it’s very beautiful, however wouldn’t it be better to possibly include a picture of Junsu as well?

Forewords: 3/5 – Too simple for my liking, and also a bit cliché. It’s not enough to catch my interest. However it’s nice.

Plot: 9.5/15 – To be honest, it’s short and there weren’t much to it. The plot itself is quite cliché, the ‘one-sided’ love. I still think it was quite weird, since in the dialogue it appears that it was Aecha who told Junsu to confess, but then she owed her like to Iseul because she encountered the scene. Well…was she not the one who gave him the advice to begin with? I really think this plot it quite weak, and there’s not much to support this. The make it better, I think add in more description and possibly more emotive language to give the readers a better idea of what’s going on. I know one-shots are meant to be short, but the trick with one-shots is using the minimum words which create the biggest impact. For your one-shot, I think you need more words for that impact.

Flow: 7/10 - When it was the dialogue, I thought you could’ve added so much more in that section because for me, it was going too fast. Description slows down the pace of the story. It was going really well until it was dialogue after dialogue, and at that point all the emotions just seemed to disappear. You see, before it was a very emotional piece of writing, and the dialogue which lacked description made me feel like you rushed to get to the end of the story.

EX:
Then, covering his face with both hands, he screamed the most agonizing sound to Aecha's ears. The sound lasted for only a few seconds. (Then what? This sentence feels unfinished…?)

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 12.5/15
No much to say, but here’s a few things I spotted:

You wrote:
He might as well had burst into the tears he was clearly holding back. (Slightly award…? There could be so many possibilities of how this sentence can be phrased, but I’m not going to list them because I’m not sure which one you actually want…)

You wrote:
Aecha rubbed her eyes, where she wasn't sure if tears or rain was making it sting,

My version:
Aecha rubbed her eyes, where she wasn't sure if IT WAS THE tears or THE rain THAT was making it sting…

You wrote:
Awkward laughter

My suggestion:
He gave an awkward laughter.
Vocabulary could’ve also been improved. Since this piece of writing had potential to have a lot of imageries and descriptions, good vocabulary would be requires, however I didn’t think the vocabulary was that great. There were a lot of words where I thought was a bit weak?

Example:
You wrote:
…she wouldn't have let go of the weight that was slowly killing her…

My suggestion:
Add a few words, change a few like:
…she wouldn’t have the courage to let go of the weight that was slowly suffocating her…
My opinion, the ‘killing’ in your sentence was just a tad bit weak, but it’s still good.

Characterization: 6.5/10 – I think there’s something wrong with Aecha. She advised Junsu to confess, then she threw a tantrum at him over the phone and he still doesn’t know what’s going on.
Especially when Junsu asked ‘where are you’ and she replied with ‘I don’t know’, how can she not know where she is? What I found surprising was the fact that Junsu didn’t find it strange.

Something strange about the character:
"I feel like I've just taken a load off of my shoulders." He sounded regretful. (So is he being sarcastic about it? Please don’t presume your readers would know what you mean, because they probably don’t.)

Junsu…He really doesn’t sound like a guy in this fic, I’m sorry but by reading the dialogue he sounds really bitchy. (He might be feminine in her fic, I don’t know…but I just find it awkward.)

Originality: 7/10 – Once again, not really original to me. Think it would be better if you added a twist to it.

Writing style: 8/10 - Loved the opening! But then I started to dislike the style. At the end, it was starting to lack details. It was easy to understand, but I think it can still be improved.

Overall enjoyment: 9/10
It was short, simple, and nice. I like it :)

Overall score: 74/100

Momento of Ours by Susan Lee

2010-03-11T05:50:00.000-08:00

Author: Susan Lee

Title: Momento of Ours

Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/suxsan5/

Reviewer: Rachi @ Lost Shadows

Title: 4/5 ~ When I saw it, I was like “woahh Big Bang, much?” which was good because it immediately told me what I should expect. At the same time though, I wish it could have been a little more creative and not just simply a distinct line from a song.

Poster/Background: 10/10 ~ I liked the purple :] It fit the mood and was nice.

Forewords: 2/5 ~ Okay, I was so confused and still am. There were major problems with the flow/transitions in your forewords; nothing made sense. You go from a first person POV talking about something wrong with Daesung to narrator/theoretical question about someone named Uee (who hasn’t been introduced and is random) to talking about a mani pedi. I had no idea until about 5 minutes ago (after reviewing everything a couple of times) that it was supposed to be from Uee’s POV. I don’t know what to say, it was just weird and confusing.

Plot: 14/15 ~ Well, it’s definitely suspenseful (it’s still on-going, right?). I was completely hooked the whole time. There were however, a couple of parts that were confusing and I think you could have clarified on, like the parts where Daesung has flashbacks/delusions about Minkyung and when he hears her crying on the other side of the wall. Like, why was she there with them? I feel like you could have elaborated a bit on how they were in the same room because it feels like they would notice each other being in the same room and all, but it’s not until Daesung’s POV that we find out he’s in the same room, watching Uee on the news.

Flow: 7/10 ~ I don’t know what it was but the way certain scenes and transitions were in your story made it all very confusing and muddled. The scenes I’ve mentioned above, and especially the very end. Did he like faint or something and is that why he was falling from the bed? And why he wants to be “hurt” and is telling her to forget him slowly….why slowly? It contradicts what he says about him wanting to “hurt” because wouldn’t forgetting him slowly hurt her too? Transitions need some work.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 13/15 ~ Spelling was good but there was some weird phrasing throughout the story. I’ll take the ending of the 3rd chapter as an example:

“Can you just leave me and forget me…” should be “Could you just leave me and forget me…” or “Can’t you just leave me and forget me…”

“So I can be hurt…” I don’t know what you’re trying to say here but it’s phrased weird. Are you trying to say that he can hurt alone? It should be “So I can hurt…” or better yet, “So I can hurt alone…”

You should go back and review your story for similar mistakes.

Characterization: 7/10 ~ I don’t feel like you characterized Minkyung enough. This is bad, considering she is one of your main characters. After reading through the chapters, I just don’t feel like I know her at all. It just seems that she’s a sad little person recovering from a break-up. It’s so stereotypical and I don’t feel like you give us enough details about her personality to say “oh, okay I really get this girl.” It’s just like, okay here’s a girl who got broken up with and is sad, the end.

Originality: 9/10 ~ It’s not exactly the most original plotline I’ve ever seen (the girl getting broken up with because the guy loves her enough to not be with her because there’s this other girl threatening him with something) but I think that you’ve managed to make it interesting enough to keep me reading and it’s definitely entertaining.

Writing style: 10/10 ~ I like the simplicity and how your paragraphs and story is organized into a very clear format. I would suggest using a larger range of vocabulary next time.

Overall enjoyment: 8/10 ~ I loved it because it was entertaining, I didn’t like it because some parts were confusing and there wasn’t enough characterizing/details.

Overall score: 84/100

My Love... My Enemy... by phantom knight

2010-03-11T05:48:00.000-08:00

Author: phantom knight

Title: My Love... My Enemy...

Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/ML_ME/

Reviewer: DarkAngel @ Lost Shadows

Title: 4/5

-You could have been more creative with the title, but it fits the story. Just judging by the title, it has an enemy/lover plot. But it catches them off guard because the girl is usually the main in the story with the boy being the aggressive one.

Poster/Background: 10/10

-I really like your poster and background. Ryeowon is really pretty and even seems in character. It reminds me of a movie poster.

Forewords: 5/5

-It included the characters and some information about them, a little preview of the plot that left the reader wanting more, and it was suspenseful (Yes, suspenseful XD). It has pretty much everything that the forewords were supposed to have.

Plot: 14/15

-It’s the usual enemy-into-lover plot where two enemies end up liking each other. But you switched the places and that made the story more interesting. The main boy ended up being the school nerd while the girl was the school bully. You don’t see that often. Kudos for that!

Flow: 10/10

-The flow was fine. It wasn’t too fast and it wasn’t too slow either.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 13/15

-There were a few grammar mistakes but they were minor. Your vocabulary is okay also, though you could have added some more words. I didn’t really see any spelling errors.

Characterization: 10/10

-You kind of made Ryeowon a mary-sue, which I don’t usually like. It’s okay for this story since she’s supposed to be aggressive and a bully. Geun Suk is really unique. He’s a loser, but very talented and good-looking, which is hard to find nowadays. I really like the characters and I can see the chemistry between them. Full points!

Originality: 9/10

-Of course, the enemy-lover plot is commonly seen. But you made a huge twist, turning it into a unique and more interesting story. Kudos for that!

Writing style: 10/10

-I don’t really have a problem with your writing. It’s fine just the way it is ^^

Overall enjoyment: 8/10

-It includes some of the usual plots of the other stories, which slightly made me uninterested. Other than that, it was fine!

Overall score: 93/100
*SORRY FOR THE LONG WAIT! I HOPE THIS HELPS!

Painful Truth by Twirlpop

2010-03-11T05:47:00.000-08:00

Author: Twirlpop

Title: Painful Truth

Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/Twirlpop01/

Reviewer: Rachi @ Lost Shadows

Title: 5/5 ~ I actually really liked your title because it was something that I wouldn’t have expected for your story and it did catch my attention as a non-stereotypical title.

Poster/Background: 7/10 ~ Well I’ll give you props for first time I guess but I’d suggest requesting one next time until you have time to really work on those photoshopping skills!

Forewords: 2/5 ~ This wasn’t exactly a formal forewords; I don’t know if you meant it to be that way or if you just didn’t want to write an intro or something but in either case I can’t give you points on it. For Winglin specifically, an introduction or forewords is expected in the first chapter and should give the reader an attention-grabbing sense of what will happen in the story.

Plot: 12/15 ~ Your plot was good for the most part but there wasn’t anything that was specifically unique about it that drew my attention and made it more memorable than all the other stories I’ve read. It was interesting and entertained but I feel like it was too stereotypical and there just wasn’t enough “feel” to it.

Flow: 8 /10 ~ I wasn’t overly impressed by the transitions because there were parts where I got confused. Like the part where they’re at the tree and he dies…are they still at the tree when he dies or are they back in the hospital? I think more description about their location would have better helped readers transition back and forth in your story.

Spelling/Grammer/Vocabulary: 12/15 ~ I definitely spotted a couple of weird phrasing and past-present tense confusion throughout your story, here is an example:

“He promised me he will not leave me but he just did-“

It should be “He promised he WOULD not leave me” or “He promised me he WOULDN’T leave me.”

And

“I thought I’m going to be okay but I can’t seem to move on.”

It should be “I thought I was going to be okay-“

And

“I thought he was the perfect man I would spend the rest of my life with but he just proved me wrong. He broke up with me. He turned his back and left me.”

There are run-on sentences here. Try:

“I thought he was the perfect man THAT I would spend the rest of my life with but he just proved me wrong; he broke up with me, he turned his back and left me.”

Mistakes like these were all over the places and they’re the type that you don’t notice if you’re just reading through it quickly but once you start delving, it gets SUPER annoying.

Characterization: 8/10 ~ This was pretty typical. You characterized just enough so that we know what the characters are supposed to be like but not so that we feel like we actually know them, or so that we really, really care what happens to them. Basically, do more characterizing next time; it adds color and uniqueness to your story.

Orginality: 4/10 ~ Not original. Some people say that there are only around 35 different plots out there and maybe they’re right. The trick is not to try to think of completely original plots (because it’s pretty much impossible) but to take one that has already been used many times and but your own spin to it. I feel like this whole storyline was SO typical. There was a complete lack of the element of surprise; it was nonexistent. One thing you could have changed to make it more unique might have been to start the story a little before him getting sick and breaking up with her. You could have showed us how their relationship was before that, how much they loved each other, and then the sudden break-up. Not only would that have been less stereotypical, it would’ve also been more interesting and we then could have related to the characters’ emotions.

Writing style: 9/10 ~ Overall I liked your writing style because it was clear and fit the mood. I would suggest using a larger range of vocabulary next time.

Overall enjoyment: 8/10 ~ Some of my enjoyment was taken away because I could always guess exactly what was going to happen and what do you know, they happened. However, I did like your story overall and found it touching.

Overall score: 75/100

Recollections (Two shot) by still_doll_15

2010-02-14T02:43:00.001-08:00

Author: still_doll_15

Title: Recollections (Two shot)

Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/stilldoll02/

Reviewer: Rachi @ Lost Shadows

Title: 5/5 ~ I really liked your title. At first glance, it was interesting enough that it pulled me in and I could see how it related to your story.

Poster/Background: 10/10 ~ Loved this. The boys look great and the poster encompasses your story’s mood without being too heavy and moody. I loved your background as well, I could read the text perfectly; everything came together really well.

Forewords: 4/5 ~ It could’ve been better. I feel like the intro was mainly summarizing in this one big paragraph; you almost never want to do that for a forewords. This is the first thing that readers look at to decide whether they want to read this or not and two important things catch their attention. One is the format, if it’s one lengthy paragraph, it turns people off. You want to try for short sentences that are dramatic and attention-grabbing. The second is that you never want to summarize. This is because most people can then guess what’s going to happen and it ruins the surprise element. Instead, try asking questions that get readers thinking “oh, yeah this could happen…or what about this?”

Plot: 13/15 ~ I liked how you put the story together by gathering pieces of memories from the characters. This made the plot really interesting and nice to read. I also loved your ending; it was very natural and progressive. The only thing was that it was a bit too cliche for me.

Flow: 11/10 ~ So, this was really confusing. There were too many changes like in the point of views and in between flashbacks and reality. I understand that this is just the way your plot goes but you could have possibly formatted it a little better so it would’ve made it clearer and understandable. There were too many hearts to keep track of what meant which.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 14/15 ~ The spelling was pretty good and I liked your choice of vocabulary to fit the theme. There were a few cases of grammar issues such as:

“If only Yoochun got to him then, there wouldn’t be much of a conflict right now… If only he wasn’t too absorbed in himself and his work, Junsu would still be here… If only he knew then… but it was too late.”

There are tense issues here because the narrator is reflecting on this so they should be past tense. Also, there shouldn’t be capitalization if the periods are reflecting thought (i.e “…..”) so it should be:

“If only Yoochun had gotten him then, there wouldn’t be much of a conflict right now…if only he hadn’t been so absorbed in himself and his work, Junsu would still be here… If only he knew then… but it was too late.

Characterization: 9/10 ~ I’d say that for the material that you were working, which is a two-shot, you did a pretty good job characterizing. I liked that you did a lot of “showing” instead of “telling.” My only problem was that you didn’t do enough of it. I realize that it’s a short story but deep characterization and development of the characters are extremely important to look out for in the future.

Originality: 8/10 ~ It wasn’t that original, it really wasn’t. Things were very predictable and I could usually tell what was going to happen before it did. However, I loved your unique way of telling the story. This just made it really relatable and I know it’s hard to think of a completely original idea that has never been used before.

Writing style: 8/10 ~ Once again, the confusing switches bothered me because I felt like I was never completely on the same page but besides that, I love your way with words and how unique it is.

Overall enjoyment: 9/10 ~ I don’t really enjoy reading yaoi stories but that didn’t affect my overall liking for the story simply because the way you told it made everything come together and work out. Just work on that format and be a little more creative next time. Besides that, you’ve pretty much got everything down!

Overall score: 91/100

Every Child’s Fear by Darkess

2010-02-14T02:41:00.000-08:00

Author: Darkess

Title: Every Child’s Fear

Link: http://winglin.net/fanfic/_darkness/

Reviewer: Rachi @ Lost Shadows

Title: 4/5 ~ I wished it could’ve been a tad more creative but hey, it fits the story perfectly well and it’s attention-grabbing.

Poster/Background: 10/10 ~ Your poster was nice and simple while at the same time, encompassing the mood and theme of your story. I didn’t have any trouble reading your text so the backgrounds perfect!

Forewords: 4/5 ~ The end of the forewords was really good because it was kind of like a cliff-hanger and was really exciting. I wish that you would’ve started it out more “formal” to fit the mood of your story though (i.e get rid of the “besides the typical “monsters under my bed and in my closet” because the conversationally casual tone there conflicts with the mood of the story)

Plot: 15/15 ~ Even though the storyline was pretty mellow, the language you used was able to make it dramatic and scary at just the right parts. It was a great choice to make this a one-shot because you were able to get all the details just right without elaborating it too much and make it dull.

Flow: 9/10 ~ For the most part, this was good. There were a few parts like when Kwon hears a BOOM that had me wondering where it came from, or why the light suddenly went off. The transitions here could have been a little smoother.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 13/15 ~ Spelling was all correct and your choice of vocabulary fit the story very well. There was a case of wrong punctuation:

“A young boy, not older than seven years, gladly carried his warm, folded, clean clothes into his small room.”

There are too many commas used in this sentence. The descriptive part about his clothes should either be cut down, or started in a new sentence.

Also,

“Jo never bothered to turn off the light, but behind his eyelids he suddenly realized that the brightness that surrounded him a few seconds ago had disappeared.”

There are a few things wrong with this sentence, such as tenses and missing punctuation. It should be corrected to:

“Jo had never bothered to turn off the light, but behind his eyelids, he suddenly realized that the brightness surrounding him a just a few seconds ago had disappeared.”

Also,

“A loud BOOM sounded nearby, and it made him jump.”

There shouldn’t be a comma after the nearby unless your sentence was changed to “A loud BOOM sounded nearby, making him jump.” Otherwise, it should be “A loud BOOM sounded nearby and it made him jump.”

Characterization: 10/10 ~ Considering that this was a short story, the characterization was pretty great. You did a lot of “showing” instead of “telling” with Kwon’s actions and thoughts. These expressed his personality very well.

Orginality: 10/10 ~ It was creative, that’s all I can say :]

Writing style: 10/10 ~ I loved your writing style and formatting. Everything was clear and readable. I also liked the way you used imagery and description…they added a lot to the story.

Overall enjoyment: 10/10 ~ It was so cute, not to mention unique. No drama or anything heavy like that, it was just a very carefree, happy story. I loved it.

Overall score: 95/100

One in a Million by jwyl

2010-02-09T12:47:00.000-08:00

Author: jwyl
Title: One in a Million
Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/jwyl03/
Reviewer: Rachi @ Lost Shadows

Title: 4/5 ~ It was a bit too cliché for me and I wished it would’ve had a little more to do with your actual plot; yes she was “one in a million” but be more creative with it.

Poster/Background: 10/10 ~ I liked the poster, the small print at the bottom reminded me of a movie poster haha. The background was also very nice, I had no trouble reading the text at all.

Forewords: 4/5 ~ It definitely gave me a good idea as to what the story was about, but at the same time, I feel like it left little to the imagination. There was too much summarizing…next time, try asking more rhetorical questions.

Plot: 12/15 ~ For me, the plot was a bit bland. It’s not just that it wasn’t very original, it’s more that there weren’t many surprises in store. I could almost predict every single thing that was going to happen and they all happened exactly the way I thought they would. I feel like you stayed very “safe” for this story and although the plot and idea was okay, you could have done more with it.

Flow: 7/10 ~ The whole story felt a little rushed. I think that although this was a one-shot, a lot more detail could have been incorporated into the chapters to make them feel fuller and flow together better. The scene transitions were rather abrupt and things seemed to happen way too fast.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 13/15 ~ The spelling and vocabulary was pretty good, I liked your language and word choice because it fit the theme of the story very well. The grammar was a bit off in places like “I heard my friend, Junho call out to me as I placed the letter back into my bag and rushed over to start my warm-ups.” where there is a misplaced comma after “friend” and “I’m fine living as a whitewash Asian.” where it should be “whitewashed.” I think you’ll find punctuation errors and past/present-tense confusion like those throughout the story.

Characterization: 8/10 ~ A good author is able to give the reader both a mental image of the person as well as the feeling of actually knowing the person. This is accomplished through a lot of “showing,” where you get a sense of what the character is like through his/her actions and dialogue instead of “telling,” where the author directly relates to you what the character’s personality is. You didn’t use a lot of “telling” which is good but you could have used a LOT more “showing.”

Originality: 7/10 ~ I know it’s hard trying to think of a completely brand new idea for a story that has never been used before; it’s almost impossible. However, the trick is to take an idea that might have been used before many times but twist it to make it your own. I think this is the main thing that your story needed: creativity.

Writing style: 10/10 ~ I enjoyed your writing style; it was clear with nice formatted paragraphs, very easy to read.

Overall enjoyment: 8/10 ~ I think you have a lot of potential as a writer because you have a really great style and your language is pretty darn good. I just wish that you can be more creative in telling your story so that it can be unique among the others that are out there next time.

Overall score: 83/100

Eye of Raven by Pararae

2010-02-06T01:41:00.000-08:00

Title: Eye of Raven
Author: Pararae
Story URL: http://crowingraven.blogspot.com/2010/01/eye-of-raven.html
Reviewed by: jjwyl@lostshadows.co.nr
Note: This is the first story that I’ve reviewed that is not on winglin. Sorry if it took a bit long.

Title: 3/5

Your title wasn’t very rare but it definitely reminded me of the movie Eagle-Eye. That was a good movie. In my opinion, you should have made the font of your title bigger so the readers could see. I actually had a hard time trying to look for the title because all the letters are the same color and same size.

Poster/Background: -4/10
Because you don’t have a official poster and background, I can’t give you such a high mark. But at least your background didn’t have anything affecting the reader’s attention and also, you have a nice picture at the top of the page, I thought it looked nice.

Forewords: 5/5
Your foreword/prologue is very attracting. It hooked me right from the start and till the very end. Your foreword is neat, readable, and very organized. It also made me wonder what the actual story may be about.

Plot: 13/15
Your plot seems to be really well thought out. You knew what you were writing and you knew what would be put down. A plot like yours definitely did not waste my time.

Flow: 8/10
The flow wasn’t bad, it was quite well. It’s just that I thought the ending seemed a bit rushed. It’s alright to have the ending rushed because a lot of stories out there have a rushed ending.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 14/15

Your spelling and grammar are great. I couldn’t spot a mistake in your story. I felt that your story was really well done because your spelling and grammar are at a level where errors cannot be found and does not distract the human eye. I love reading stories that has no spelling/grammar mistakes because that’s what makes it seem professional. I hate reading stories that have mistakes all the time. It feels like I’m wasting my time reading it. The only thing I would suggest is using a wider range of vocabulary.

Characterization: 8/10
You described Raven’s feelings and her surroundings very detailed. You were able to describe most of the scenes nicely because I could actually picture it in my head. I was able to absorb your descriptions and form a picture. But because there were quite a few characters, I couldn’t picture all of them or tell what kind of personality they each had.

Originality: 8.5/10
You were original to have your story on your blog instead of the fanfiction site. But that would mean less people to view your story. Overall, I thought your story had a lot of creativity in it and some parts were unpredictable, but it’s kind of common to have a girl as the person who took on dangerous missions.

Writing style: 7.5/10

I have to say that the way you wrote things looked great and neat, but I didn’t like how some sentences were so short, just a couple words. I also think that you should put the speaker’s name after every sentence they say, just so it doesn’t get confusing. Also, I thought your story was too long, a bit too long for me. If it’s a one-shot, it should be a bit shorter.

Overall enjoyment: 8/10

Overall score: 78/100

Painted Emotions [ Complete A.M Challenge ) by ` hottest s h i n e e vip

2010-01-31T00:42:00.000-08:00

Author: ` hottest s h i n e e vip
Story Title : Painted Emotions [ Complete A.M Challenge )
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/mindeejaeeunO3/
Reviewer: DarkAngel | lostshadows.co.nr

Title: 5/5

-Since this is an entry for a challenge that already has a name, it would be unnecessary to deduct points.

Poster/Background: 10/10

-I love your poster. It reminds me of a movie poster. It gives off a mysterious feeling that goes along with the story. The text is easy to read and the background is nice.

Forewords: 5/5

-Your forewords made me want to read your story. The prologue was mysterious and interesting. That’s what I like. It also told us about the characters a little.

Plot: 13/15

-The plot is nice, though you could have done more to the characters after the car crash. Amnesia is common in stories, but it would be more interesting if you would have spiced things up more.

Flow: 8/10

-Everything except when she woke up after the crash was understandable. Shouldn’t she be in the hospital after the accident? Shouldn’t her father be more worried since she just woke up?

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 15/15

-I couldn’t find any spelling or grammar errors, so that’s good. It would have been better if you placed some bigger words.

Characterization: 9/10

-Your character is different from all of the others that I’ve read. Seo Sungye has an interesting personality. You really explained her personality a lot, so kudos for that. I didn’t catch many things about WonBin though.

Originality: 9/10

-Like I said, the amnesia is a bit common. The ending was NOT the way I expected it to be. It was amazing!

Writing style: 8/10

-Your style wasn’t messy or anything. It’s just I think you should make paragraphs instead of punching ‘enter’ after each sentence. Other than that, I have not problem.

Overall enjoyment: 8/10

-I liked it, but there wasn’t much romance. Also, I’ve read another entry for the story and it was a bit similar to this.

Overall score: 90/100

Here you go! ^^ I hope it helps you!

My Doll Prince by WonderBinnie

2010-01-31T00:41:00.001-08:00

Author: WonderBinnie
Title: My Doll Prince
Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/WonderBinnie2/

Reviewer: Rachi @ Lost Shadows

Title: 4/5 ~ I liked the title but I think it could have been a bit more creative. Yes, it does relate completely to the story but it’s a tiny bit bland.

Poster/Background: 10/10 ~ I liked the simplicity of the poster and background. I had no trouble reading the text so everything was fine here :] I also think the theme related a lot to your story and just added to the overall feel of the plot.

Forewords: 4/5 ~ There were some grammar and format issues in the forewords, I think that took quite a lot away from what you were actually trying to say. The foreword itself was very attention-grabbing and I liked how you added the “what happens when your childhood doll turns into a real human?” part, that was very classy; lose the “well read this story and you’ll see part” because that was very NOT original and sounds like you’re advertising.

Plot: 15/15 ~ I really, really liked your plot, I feel like it was all very interesting and exciting. It was very original and I loved the way you told it.

Flow: 8/10 ~ Some parts of the story could definitely been elaborated on a bit more because it would have made the story flow together nicer. Introducing JJ was one of these parts, I wish you’d transitioned a bit smoother when you talked about him turning into a doll or when he went back to his doll mansion…these parts seemed really abrupt and was like a “wait, what that just happened?” sort of thing, which is something you never want the readers to be thinking.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 9/15 ~ There were many grammar issues and these took away so much from the story and made it less enjoyable. “Umm…probably I just sleep.” was an example of a grammar issue, it should be “I’ll probably just sleep.” “How bout I took you out for dinner?” is another classic example of a verb tense used wrong, it should be “take.” I think you’ll find many similar errors throughout the story. Punctuation was left out a lot after a character says something. There should always be a period after someone says something, even if it’s in quotation marks.

Characterization: 8/10 ~ I feel like you could have definitely gone more in-depth about the characters and their personalities. One of the most important elements to a story is detail and personification; this helps the reader get a mental image of what the character might look like, or better yet, as if they know this character in person. I got a blurry sense of what the characters were like in your story because you did a lot of “telling” instead of “showing” and sometimes, not even that. I wish I could have known more about the character’s personalities from their actions or their tone.

Originality: 10/10 ~ My favorite thing about this story was how original it was. I’m sure there’s a story like this somewhere but your storyline and plot was just extremely unique and I was very entertained the whole time!

Writing style: 8/10 ~ Mainly, I hope you work on your paragraph formatting and spacing. There should be a double space between every line, even when there is dialogue because this makes the story cleaner and clearer. Also, after a character says something, you should always skip down 2 lines before talking about something else; this also contributes to clarity.

Overall enjoyment: 9/10 ~ Like I said, I loved your plot and storyline a lot, I just wish there were less grammatical issues and better format.

Overall score: 85/100

A Friend’s Confession by geesoo

2010-01-31T00:37:00.000-08:00

Title: A Friend’s Confession
Author: geesoo
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/01GEE/
Reviewed by: jjwyl@lostshadows.co.nr

Title: 3/5

Your title seems to be really plain and straightforward. I would suggest having a title that has more of a meaning and is more meaningful and more complicated. That will make the readers feel interested and feel like they want to know what the story is about.

Poster/Background: 8/10
The overall appearance is great. Your poster looks fantastic and it really blends together well with the font color and background color. But in the poster, all the characters doesn’t seem to be too sad, especially Wooyoung, who should be the one with the depressed expression. In the story, he seems to be the one who gets hurt the most, so I think it would be reasonable to have a picture of him sad.

Forewords: 3.5/5
Your foreword looks great and sounds great. The length is quite appropriate. But the one thing I don’t really like is that it’s so repetitive. And also, it seems like the main characters falls in ‘love’ with so many boys at such a young age.

Plot: 12/15
The overall story was predictable. It was really easy to tell that Jisoo would end up with Wooyoung. But the ending was kind of weird. It was such a sudden end. I didn’t like how you didn’t write about Jay finding out about Jisoo and Wooyoung together. You could have added something about that just so the readers aren’t having a cliffhanger.

Flow: 9/10
The flow of the story was well done, but I thought the ending was just a bit rushed. It seemed like Jisoo wasn’t expecting anything at all. And Wooyoung’s confession was so sudden.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 14/15

I didn’t find any grammar or spelling mistakes in your story. You know when to use the right tenses. But I suggest you use a wider range of vocabulary. Make your story look like you know a lot of words.

Characterization: 8/10
I understood what type of person Jisoo and Wooyoung were. And I liked how you described the scene and the way they dress. But because you had the manager and the rest of 2PM in the story, I wasn’t clearly able to see their description. When adding new characters, have a bit of information on each of them.

Originality: 7/10
Even as the first event of their date, you picked a theme park. I found that to be really cliché and really commonly used in other stories and also in dramas. It was interesting to find them going to a theme park but having Jisoo not getting killed by the fangirls. The ending was predictable too.

Writing style: 9/10

I really like the writing style that you have. It’s simple and easy to read. Everything is so neat and organized. But the one thing I would recommend would probably to cut down the length of your paragraphs. I found that some of your paragraphs are really long. But that’s just me. I like paragraphs that have about five to six sentences.

Overall enjoyment: 8.5/10
I just didn’t like the ending. It felt like something was missing.

Overall score: 82/100

A Fangirl's Letter by geesoo

2010-01-25T13:12:00.000-08:00

Fanfic Title: A Fangirl's Letter

Author: geesoo

Fanfic Url:http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/02GEE/

Reviewed by : Airah

Title: 5/5
I think that your title really fits the story because it really is about a fangirl's letter. But I don't think its very eye-catching.

Poster/Background: 9.5/10
I love the poster! I think what really got me is the quote. It sort of pulled me and I really want to know what she wrote. I see that your background is plain black but I still think its good. =)

Forewords: 5/5
Your forewords included everything. Though you could have introduced the characters, but since its a one-shot I wouldn't take away any points.

Plot: 15/15
I really like your plot. It has a certain something that other one-shots doesn't have.

Flow: 10/10
Perfectly paced. It wasn't slow nor fast.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 14.5/15
I just notice that you spelled plane wrong you put plan. Everything else looks fine.

Characterization: 10/10
You captured the characters personaility.

Orginality: 10/10
I can truthfully say that I have never read anything like this.

Writing style: 10/10
Doesn't look messy. Easy to understand and very clear.

Overall enjoyment: 10/10
Loved it~!! Thanks for an awesome story~!

Overall score: 99/100

*I knew from the beginning that I wouldn't give you a crappy score!*

stop think..is it really love that we feel?? by kanhosa301

2010-01-23T01:16:00.000-08:00

Fanfic Title: stop think..is it really love that we feel??

Author: kanhosa301

Fanfic Url: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/kanhosa301/

Reviewed by: Airah @ lostshadows.co.nr

Title: 2/5- First of all the title is too long. Its not even capitalized. Second, the title is not very eye catching. I notice that you shortened it to stop think.... I at least think that you should capitalize that to: Stop Think....

Poster/Background: 6/10- The poster isn't really eye catching but its alright. The background didn't interfere with the text so that's good.

Forewords: 4/5- I think that you were missing something in your foreword. But I do like the fact that you introduced the characters.

Plot: 11/15- I like your plot but some parts were pretty predictable.

Flow: 9/10- Wasn't really slow or fast. Keep it like that.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 12/15- I saw in your forewords that you apologize for wrong grammar. And I did see some. But I won't nag about that. But what I do want to nag about is the YOUR POV thing. When it says YOUR POV that means you have to use I, me, or myself.

Another thing is that you put a thought that the reader had on Jaejoong's POV. That shouldn't happen because there should be no way that a reader's thought would be there because Jae isn't inside her head.

Characterization: 9/10-You captured the characters personality but you could have put a name instead of _______.

Originality: 9/10- Very creative but not that original. Some parts, like I said are too predictable.

Writing style: 8/10- The paragraphs looks messy. You made it more messy by putting the links. Instead of putting the links maybe you could describe it or just put the links in the beginning or end of the chapter.

Overall enjoyment: 10/10- I think that I was a reader of your before because I remember the 'jacket' thingy. XD I was like oh yeah! I remember this!

Overall score: 71/100

Wanderer by RAINxclouds

2010-01-18T08:18:00.001-08:00

Author: RAINxclouds

Title: Wanderer

Link: http://winglin.net/fanfic/wanderer_/

Reviewer: Rachi @ Lost Shadows

Title: 5/5 ~ I liked it, nice and simple is the way to go for certain stories and you managed to pull it off for this one!

Poster/Background: 9/10 ~ I liked the background and poster themselves but I don’t see the connection between that and your story. I don’t think it encompassed the mood.

Forewords: 5/5 ~ Guess what? I think I’ve reviewed one of your stories before and I’m glad you decided to follow the advice of your reviewers (I love it when people do that!) and work on certain things :] Your foreword was so much better this time! I’m glad it was like an excerpt from the story itself but at the same time, was attention grabbing and could act as an introduction. I was kind of scared but it did make me excited to read on.

Plot: 14/15 ~ The plot itself was okay, I think this was more of a rant on your mother then an actual, legit story, huh? :] Because of that, I just couldn’t take it all that seriously haha. Half the time, I’m thinking “this girl’s got personality to manage to write a whole psycho-path horror on how much her mom annoys her.” But I enjoyed it, it was interesting and although it lacked detail and was rather short, it was nice (or should I say scary) to read.

Flow: 8/10 ~ I’m going to have to take some points off for this because there were some parts in the story that were kind of confusing and weren’t as smooth as they could have been, like the part about the 2 year old that her mom adopted, I really wanted more detail and was super confused (and still am) about what he did to her that she couldn’t attend the party. Also, when you mentioned her victims, I was ridiculously confused at what she had done to her mother and the kid (did she kill them?), what had happened between the boy and her (why did she even tell him it was her if she’s supposed to be dead?) and why she had staged her own death (just so she could go around and kill people?) I think that this is mainly because of a huge lack of detail but also because the transitions were kind of awkward.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 15/15 ~ Spelling was perfect and vocabulary was great; your choice of words fit the story so perfectly, I was amazed. The main problem with grammar was that there were some run-on sentences but those were used for emphasis on tone so I’m excusing that.

Characterization: 10/10 ~ I have to say that you characterized Kwon Yuri very, very well. You did a LOT of “showing” her personality in the form of her actions and thoughts instead of just straight-out telling the reader what she was about…I love that. I have no idea why you chose to use Kwon Yuri as the main character though, I don’t think anything about her had to do with story, I think it would’ve been better to just use a fictional character but that’s your choice and it didn’t affect the plot at all so it’s all good.

Orginality: 10/10 ~ Well, since I believe this story was thought up in a moment of emotion haha because you were pissed at your mom, it made it extremely unique and original. Sure, there are tons of psycho-path horror genres out there but this was unique simply because it was based off of what you felt at the time (I’m not saying you’re crazy or anything haha), which always makes the story a work of art.

Writing style: 10/10 ~ I’ve grown to like your writing style with every sentence that I read. It first bothered me how many run-on sentences there were as a result of your format but then I decided that it fit the mood of the story and has a good emphasis on tone.

Overall enjoyment: 10/10 ~ I enjoyed your story a lot :] I just wish there was more to it but I guess the shortness and simplicity of the story contributes to what makes it pretty darn great.

Overall score: 96/100

What Are You? by Love_Joongie

2010-01-18T08:11:00.000-08:00

Author: Love_Joongie

Title: What Are You?

Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/WhatAreYou/

Reviewer: Rachi @ Lost Shadows

Title: 4/5 ~ I feel like this story could’ve been just a tiny bit more creative but I like how it describes the story pretty well and fits it. Try for a uniqueness that’ll draw attention next time.

Poster/Background: 9/10 ~ I feel like it was a little dark whereas the story (for the most part) is pretty happy….except for the part where he leaves of course. The poster itself is pretty and Jae is gorgeous :] I just wished it encompassed the mood more.

Forewords: 3/5 ~ This was weird. What does “For someone who can sense unusual can be scared? For someone who can sense unusual can be excited? For someone who can sense unusual can be curious?” It’s either that there are some serious grammar issues here or I’m missing something.

Plot: 15/15 ~ I liked your plot a ton :] It had all the components of a good story: surprises, suspense, and some pretty darn cute moments in between :] The best thing about it was how I never got bored and wanted to read on to the end, I wish it could’ve been a bit longer, I hate cliffhangers!

Flow: 9/10 ~ The transitions were very abrupt at times. The parts where it transitions from her hearing Jae’s voice to when the incidents happen were kind of awkward. It had me wondering “wow, did she really just not think this was weird at all and just go along with it? I would’ve been kind of scared out of my mind.” I wish you had smoother transitions between each scene because they all blended together kind of fast.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 12/15 ~ The spelling for the most part was good, I didn’t catch any mistakes. The grammar was kind of off, the grammar tenses were not consistent (ex. “The presence is still there” should be the presence WAS still there & “Why are you calm” should be why WERE you calm), there was incorrect word choice (ex. “You lied on your bed” should be you LAID on your bed & “I’m going nuts, am I” should be I’m going nuts, AREN’T I & “You jumped a little from startle” should be you jumped a little, STARTLED) Run-on sentences were problematic as well. I liked your choice of words, it fit the story. Points were mainly deducted here for grammar.

Characterization: 7/10 ~ I feel like a LOT more detail could have been added here concerning the characters. Characterization helps the reader get a mental image of what the characters are supposed to look like, based on their personality. I couldn’t get an image at all. There was nothing dialogue-wise or else that revealed anything about the characters. It was mainly just that Jae was a ghost and “you” are some random girl that he apparently likes, you know what I mean? Characterization is one of the most important elements to a good story and without it, the story seems very bland and 2D.

Orginality: 10/10 ~ The element of a protective spirit is prevalent in many, many films, stories, novels, everything. However, the way you told it was what made it unique. I enjoyed the little twists, like how he actually died but was technically not dead and could return whenever he wanted to; this made the story a little more surprising and less cliché.

Writing style: 9/10 ~ I liked your style for the most part, the format of the story was pretty good, everything was clear and readable. One thing though, was the dialogues. After a character speaks in a story, you should space down and start a new paragraph; this is the formal format for all stories. You had the character talk, and then continued on to describe other things, then had someone else talk, all the in the same paragraph. This makes the story messy and confusing.

Overall enjoyment: 9/10 ~ I enjoyed your story very much for the plot. It’s one of those stories that although lack originality, is told in such a creative and unique way that makes it great. The only thing that bothered me was format and grammar. Work on those and it’ll be perfect!

Overall score: 87/100

It Was You by Ronix^^

2010-01-16T05:28:00.000-08:00

Name: Ronix^^
Story Title : It Was You
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/Asian_Fanatic03
Reviewer: DarkAngel

Title: 3/5- The title is too common and not that eye-catching. I think it’s simple.

Poster/Background: 8/10- It fits the mood, but I think it could have been better. In my opinion, it looked unique, but had a little too much on it. If it looks like there’s too many things on it, it doesn’t look right.

Forewords: 5/5- Your forewords were nice. I really liked them. It was interesting to read, so kudos for that.

Plot: 12/15- I’ve seen these types of plots before. One of the main people get amnesia, forget everything, then gets lied to. But at first, I was confused. After the story progressed, I began to understand it more.

Flow: 8/10- The pace was choppy at some points. I wouldn’t call this a one-shot since those only have one or two chapters. I think of this more as a chapter story.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 11/15- I’ve seen grammatical errors like “your” instead of “you’re” and “seat” with “sit”. Also, there were a lot of errors considering capitalizing letters. As a writer, I understand that these things happen. This is why I recommend going back and checking what you’ve wrote just in case you accidentally made a mistake. I’m not saying you have too. It’s just that it looks more professional if it doesn’t have that many errors.

Characterization: 8/10- You told us about the characters and some details about them. It would be nicer if you wrote more about them.

Originality: 7/10- I’ve seen these types of stories before. You could have included a twist that would make the story more interesting. It would be more fun to read a story with a different plot from another.

Writing style: 7/10- I don’t really like when you indent after almost every sentence. It looks like it has a bunch of space. I would recommend more paragraphs- not those incredibly long ones though. I also don’t think it’s necessary to add a space after a sentence before the question mark/period/exclamation mark.

Overall enjoyment: 8/10- I’m not a big fan of Hebe, but this one is pretty good ^^

Overall score: 77/100

18 Roses (Diary Entries) by raindrop_symphony

2010-01-15T08:10:00.001-08:00

Author: raindrop_symphony

Title: 18 Roses (Diary Entries)

Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/18roses/

Reviewer: Rachi @ Lost Shadows

Title: 5/5~ Woah, girl I love this title! Right away, I know that you’re a hopeless romantic like me :] Loved it.

Poster/Background: 9/10 ~ I loved your background and how it made the text extremely clear and readable. I didn’t really feel your poster because it was plain. I wish it was more of a thing with Yoochun on it and Cherry, that would’ve been really nice. The poster makes up a lot of the first impression and I had no idea who was in this story until I got to around the bottom of the first chapter.

Forewords: 3/5 ~ Your forewords was too short and not that attention-grabbing. Your little message at the bottom was longer than your actual introduction and it could’ve been easily skipped over. I feel like I could’ve skipped this and it wouldn’t have made a difference. You want the foreword to invite the reader in and give a sneak-peek that’ll have the reader waiting in anticipation. This just wasn’t doing it.

Plot: 15/15 ~ I absolutely loved your plot. It was just so above everything else. I feel like this plot was super original. It just gave me this really happy feeling inside the whole time and it had all the elements a good story needs: surprises, conflict, and then at the end, a happy ending.

Flow: 9/10 ~ Since this was in the form of diary entries, I didn’t really expect smooth transitions. I wished you’d done a little more with connecting each of the scenes, like maybe having the characters reflect back on what just happened in the beginning of their diary entries so that the reader can get more of a sense of what’s going on. For the most part though, I kept up and didn’t get too lost.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 13/15 ~ So some of the spelling was weird (ex. hu-hu, okeeeeeeyy, he-he) but I’m not going to take too much away for that because I can tell that it’s the way you express tone in the story. That’s good but then at the same time, you don’t want to get too carried away with the smiley faces and spelling. The grammar was okay. Once again, the tone you wrote this story in affected the grammar too much. There were too many run-on sentences, which was the main problem. I liked your choice of vocabulary for the most part but next time, try for a bit more elaborate words; it would add more to your story.

Characterization: 9/10 ~ I liked how for both Cherry and Yoochun, you did a lot of “showing” instead of just “telling” and how their personalities showed through with their actions and dialogues. Keep that up and demonstrate it next time with more characters, not just the two main ones.

Orginality: 10/10 ~ I’m pretty sure I’ve seen this plot somewhere somehow but I really, really loved how you told it. That, for me, was the best part of the story and what made it so enjoyable. The way you were creative with it and had me going “awww” throughout the story was just great.

Writing style: 7/10 ~ Mainly, the format was kind of messy. I like medium-short paragraphs that are clear and readable. Big, long, half-page paragraphs with run-on sentences make me scream and feel slightly nauseated. If it weren’t for the good plot, I would’ve dropped this story and moved on just from the way it was formatted; I understand these are diary entries but that doesn’t mean there needs to be a lack of nice, readable format. I’ve mentioned that you need to be a bit more formal and professional in your writing. I like the way you use tone to express what goes on in your characters’ minds and how it reflects their personality but the whole weird words and smiley faces thing puts me off; a good author should be able to convey tone without all that crazy stuff.

Overall enjoyment: 9/10 ~ Plot and storyline great. Love the creativity and the dialogue. Try for better format and writing style

Overall score: 89/100

Pair Of Hands by brightside

2010-01-11T22:52:00.001-08:00

Name: brightside
Story Title : Pair Of Hands
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/pairofhands/
Reviewer: Rachi | lostshadows.co.nr

Title: 5/5 ~While I think it could have been a bit more creative, this title did grab my attention simply because it was different and sounded interesting.

Poster/Background: 9/10 ~ I liked the way the colors matched in the poster and the background, I just wish that the characters could have been laid out in a more interesting way then just there. They didn’t seem to have any importance.

Forewords: 4/5 ~ I liked the way you asked questions because it makes the reader look wonder why and what’s going to happen. Next time, try to phrase them a little differently, like using the same tense throughout the whole thing (“Would it bother you if that particular dream is recurring, night by night? Dia was.” should be either “was recurring” or “recurred” And “Dia was”? What does that mean? Do you mean “it bothered Dia.”)

Plot: 15/15 ~ I think your plot was very movie-like, as in it feels like it could happen in real life, instead of just on the pages. I liked how extremely unique it was as well as creative and I was always really excited to find out what was going to happen next. I loved it!

Flow: 9/10 ~ For the most part, I understood what you were talking about and the transitions were smooth. I didn’t get lost really, but there were a few parts, like the arrival of her dad and brother, where I was wondering wait, who are they? For a really long time because that part wasn’t really clear.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 13/15 ~ There were some things wrong with grammar throughout the story, such as mentioned above in the forewords and also:

“She was holding those pair of hands, again. Calloused with long fingers and short flat nails. They are dirty cold hands. It was always dark that she couldn’t determine what kind of dirt are those.”

There are a few things wrong with that. The corrected version should be:

“She was holding that pair of hands again, they were calloused with long fingers and short flat nails. They were dirty, cold hands. It was always dark so she couldn’t determine what kind of dirt it was.”

Spelling for the most part, was correct and I liked your choice in vocabulary.

Characterization: 9/10 ~ You did a really great job characterizing some of the people, like Dia, Phillip, and her mom. You could’ve done more “showing” instead of “telling” for her dad, brother, and Tommy.

Orginality: 10/10 ~ I want to give you 20 out of 10 for this because your story is so unique! The element of recurring dreams have always been present in a lot of different stories but the way you told the story and the unexpected turns in it made the whole thing really enjoyable to read.

Writing style: 8/10 ~ Your paragraph format was very good and the layout was okay, I don’t understand what the (#) in the beginning of each “scene” was for though. Was it supposed to indicate that a new scene had begun? If so, you should’ve used smooth transitional sentences to indicate a change in scene instead of numbers…that was weird.

Overall enjoyment: 9/10 ~ I loved the plot, characters, and your writing style. Fix the grammatical errors and it will add so much more to the story!

Overall score: 91/100

Pair Of Hands by brightside

2010-01-11T22:52:00.000-08:00

behind my wall by yunjaeforever

2010-01-11T22:51:00.000-08:00

Title: behind my wall
Author: yunjaeforever
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/yunjaeforever/
Reviewed by: jjwyl@lostshadows.co.nr
Note: sorry if it took too long, and I hope you understand that this review is an honest work that is just trying to help you improve. I tried giving you as good as a mark I could. Sorry if you don’t like your mark.

Title: 2.5/5
The title seems really dull and plain and doesn’t really tell much about the story. It looks a bit messy because the words aren’t capitalized.

Poster/Background: 1/10
There is no background and no poster whatsoever. It really makes a story look boring and dull. If I were to click on this story and just by looking at the appearance, I would just go right into the next story and not read yours. Appearance is important.

Forewords: 2/5
Your foreword is very messy and not well organized. This would not grasp a reader’s attention. I found a lot of errors in your foreword already. The foreword is really important. It’s what makes the readers click on the NEXT button. If your foreword has nothing good, they simply won’t continue reading.

Plot: 7/15
I can’t really say much because it’s not finished and the chapters are so short. I can’t really tell what kind of storyline you’re trying to tell us.

Flow: 5/10
The beginning is definitely rushed. Don’t make their feelings towards each other appear so quickly. You have to slow it down and write how they’re expressing their feelings and such.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 3/15
There is a lot of mistakes. Even in just the foreword, there were tons of spelling mistakes, grammar mistakes, and there were random letters placed in a single word. You have to make sure you double check before posting your story. It starts to get irritating if the spelling mistakes keep on coming up. You don’t have commas or period’s in the right place, so the readers don’t know when a sentence ends and when another one starts.

Characterization: 3/10

I only know that they are all pretty much crazy guys. Haha… You should add more detail and description. For example, try to describe what they are wearing. If not, try to put some information on the foreword.

Originality: 6/10
Refer to PLOT.

Writing style: 3/10
Your sentences are so bunched up together, it seems like it’s making my eyes hurt. Whenever I scroll down the page, I tend to lose my place because everything is bunched together. Try to separate your sentences. If not, make them into paragraphs instead. Make sure you capitalize the beginning of a sentence!

Overall enjoyment: 1.5/10

Overall score: 34/100

Sunset Under The Stars by jyyms

2010-01-09T01:19:00.000-08:00

Fanfic Title: Sunset Under The Stars

Author: jyyms

Fanfic Url: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/jyyms6/

Reviewer: Airah @ lostshadows.co.nr

Title: 5/5

I think that the title is very unique because all of the titles I see are sometimes to common like Forbidden Love and etc. But this title really fits the story.

Poster/Background: 9/10

I like the poster but the background looked just a little plain. It doesn't really bother the eyes or anything.

Forewords: 5/5

I think that your forewords is really good because you told who the characters are. You didn't ruin the story by telling the plot, instead you wrote a sneak peek. I think that what you wrote will make people read it.

Plot: 15/15

I've read one-shots like this before but this is quite different from the others. I think that this is unique like your title. And I like how the plot really supports the title.

Flow: 10/10

It wasn't slow or fast. Perfectly paced.

Spelling/Grammer/Vocabulary: 15/15

I didn't see a mistake whatsoever.

Characterization: 10/10

I think that you captured their personality. That's why I didn't take any points off.

Originality: 10/10

I think that this is original because I haven't read a SuYin fanfic.

Writing style: 10/10

I like the way you write. Its clear and easy to understand.

Overall enjoyment: 10/10

I loved it.

Overall score: 99/100

*That has got to be one of the highest scores I've given out! Good Luck with your other fanfics!*

Meant To Be... by BigBangLoverr

2010-01-09T01:18:00.000-08:00

Name: BigBangLoverr
Story Title : Meant To Be...
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/iheartbigbang02/
Reviewer: jyyms | lostshadows.co.nr

Title: 4/5

The title is suitable for the story up till the current chapters. But I think there needs to a good ending that fits 'Meant To Be..?', right on the spot. Like, TOP and ---ah are finally together.

Poster/Background: 9/10

The poster is cute. I like the little captions on the bottom. The background also suits the story but I wonder what the two cards are for.

Forewords: 5/5

Your forewords was quite good. I like the way you listed the characters. Most readers firstly look at the characters and then continue reading. So it is good that you stated them out.

Plot: 12/15

Your plot is cute. But nooooooo!!!! Yunho died!! He's like one of my favorites!! And I love DBSK. I think your chapters flow along with one another pretty well. I almost cried on the part where the girl cried because dance classes reminded her of Yunho. Awww....that was really sad. And I like it how not all of the Bigbang memebers are in love with the girl. And how TOP is caring for her, despite his playboy personality. But somehow I feel that the plot is a bit simple for a story that's entitled, 'Meant to Be?...'. I would like it if there were more drama and spice.

Flow: 10/10

I like the flow of your story. It is not too fast and not too slow. It is quite steady. I love love love the flow.

Spelling/Grammer/Vocabulary: 13/15

I saw some typos but they are not much of a deal. Your grammar is pretty good but I would like it if you used more challenging vocabulary.

Characterization: 9/10

The characters are pretty well described. Even though Yunho appeared in only one chapter, just one chapter, I can clearly imagine how he is like, due to your precise descriptions on how he treats her and the way he acts. And your other characters were well described too. Good job.

Orginality: 8/10

I wouldn't say the story is all original because of the fact that in many stories, playboys usually turn good after meeting the 'good' girl. But I would say it is quite good because she didn't really get everything she wanted. There were the twists and turns. For example, Yunho died. Whereareas, in most stories, the main girl usually ends up with the first guy her heart beats for.

Writing style: 9/10

I like your writing style. It is straight forward, simple and easy to read. I love the way she hurts over Yunho.

Overall enjoyment: 10/10

To be honest, I don't like reading Bigbang narrated stories. And guess what? Yours is the first ever story I enjoyed reading with Bigbang characters. And you put in DBSK bit by bit so i loved it. Great great job. I never liked TOP, no offense but the way you wrote the story made him sound pretty likable. :P Thanks for the story. :)

Please don't take my review as an offensive one. I'm just trying to help. :)

Overall score: 89/100

From Zero To Hero by Vi3tjcn

2010-01-04T07:34:00.000-08:00

Title: From Zero To Hero
Author: Vi3tjcn
Url:http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/Vi3tjcn3/
Reviewed by: Airah/myangelteuk@lostshadows.co.nr

Title: 2/5- Not a very eye catching title.

Poster/Background: 5/10- I like the poster but the background is pretty plain.

Forewords: 0/5- You didn't put anything that would help the reader except read and find out. I don't think by doing that can get you any readers.

Plot: 13/15- I think that your plot is good even though its pretty obvious.

Flow: 10/10- It wasn't fast or slow.

Spelling/Grammer/Vocabulary: 14/15- I just found some minor mistakes so I only took off 1 point.

Characterization: 10/10- I got to know that Jaejoong is a nerd and that Boa is a popular because you put that.

Originality: 10/10- I haven't read anything like this. I think its very original.

Writing style: 10/10- Its good.

Overall enjoyment: 10/10-It was good but I thought it was a whole story because you didn't put one-shot in the title.

Overall score: 84/100

*The score is not that bad you know! Keep on writing!*

A Night In Tokyo (R) - FrenchSha

2010-01-04T07:08:00.001-08:00

Title: A Night In Tokyo (R)
Author: FrenchSha
Story Link: http://fcollections.wordpress.com/about/
Reviewer: ShadowYin
Site: http://lostshadows.co.nr/

This review is not meant to be offensive, but contains purely my personal opinions on how I think the fanfic can be improved. I too, can be wrong, so please don’t take this review to heart.

Title: 2/5 – It’s simple, related.

Poster/Background: 5/10 – Could’ve been better.

Forewords: 3/5
It started off well, and then it got destroyed by the masses of dialogue.
I’d say probably max of 5 dialogue in forwards if you want to give a type of preview, cause in the end, it confuses the reader, and it gets a little boring.

Plot: 9/15 – My opinion is that this it's like a remake of Meteor Garden. You’re basically retelling the story but adding a bit more depth between Lei and Jing’s relationship.

Flow: 8/10 – it was good, loved the descriptive parts, however some parts just weren’t quite there because you lacked description in some areas, which interrupted with the flows. However overall it was pretty good.
Some of the sentence structures could’ve been improved which would’ve gotten you a higher mark in this area.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 12/15:

[In your forewords]

You wrote:
But what if the woman you wanted and the woman you needed were two different person?

Edit:
But what if the woman you wanted, and the woman you needed were two different PEOPLE?

You wrote:
“Do I look like drunk?”
Edit:
“Do I look drunk?”
You could argue that the awkward sentences was there because she was drunk, however you did not back that up explaining that.

[Actual one shot]
Lots of mixing tenses.

You wrote:
Mr. Yamamoto was impressed. You can see it in his eyes. He seems…

- Here you changed from the past tense to the present. If you wanted it in the past tense it would’ve been:

Mr. Yamamoto was impressed. You COULD see it in his eyes. He SEEMED...

Please look at this sentence:
He seems to be a quiet and fragile boy but he showed a different side of him when he delivered his presentation earlier.
Edited:
He seemed to be a quiet and fragile boy, but he showed a different side of him when he delivered his presentation earlier.

Overall (sorry I didn't want to make this review too long)
- Lack of punctuation.
- Grammar errors.
- Writing errors.
- Repetition of ‘ands’ quite often. It is really hard, but try use other connectives. Use of ‘ands’ were effective here: He tries again, and again, and again. (good work!)
- Awkward sentences.
- Some parts you showed great vocabulary, whereas in other areas you could’ve elaborated using other words.

Characterization: 10/10 – in a way realistic, very descriptive. Quite believable.

Originality: 5/10 - once again, it’s like you’re retelling the story. I can’t see much originality or creativity involved until at the end. The whole story was quite cliché in a way.

Writing style: 8/10
Techniques you used which made your writing more enjoyable. Good job!
-alliteration
-personification
-onomatopoeia
-varied sentences; however some sentences I thought you could’ve elaborated which would’ve helped the flow of the story.
- Rhetorical questions
-similes
-metaphors
-rule of three

Overall enjoyment: 5/10
Honestly I did not really enjoy that. It was a little too long for a one-shot. A lot of it I felt weren’t needed in a piece of short writing to create an impact.
I keep finding ‘and’ a lot which didn’t really help. It’s one of those hard targets which I set people, but when you’re reading it, it gets so repetitive reading ‘and’ everywhere.
A lot of grammar errors, which spoiled the fanfic, even though you have great vocabulary. Some of your descriptions were great, but you need to maintain that. You need to grab the reader’s interested in the first sentence, and not letting it go until the very end.
Your lack of punctuation makes it so difficult to read. If you read it out loud, you’d realise it’s hard to say it all in one breathe without pausing.
At the end, a lot of description were added, however your style of writing only improved ¾ down the page, and it really shows me that some parts of the story you can’t be bothered to elaborate. What I do admire about this fic, is the descriptions which you use. You used lovely techniques which create imagery.
In my perspective, one-shots are writings which creates an impact, and the story didn't have much an impact on me until the end.

Overall score: 67/100

Playing With My Heart by ShadowYin

2010-01-04T00:48:00.000-08:00

Author: ShadowYin
Title: Playing with My Heart
Link: http://winglin.net/fanfic/SYplaying/
Status: Completed
Reviewer: Rachi @ Lost Shadows

Title: 5/5 ~ I liked the title a lot. It fit in with the story and although it was a bit cliché, it definitely got me interested enough to read on.

Poster/Background: 10/10 ~ My first thought was that the poster was a bit small but then I realized that it fit the background perfectly. Sometimes, clean and simple does the job.

Forewords: 5/5 ~ Woahh, I really liked this one! It was really attention-grabbing, just like a foreword is supposed to be. It also gave me a sneak-peek of what the story was going to be like. Dramatic is the way to go with intros, it really draws in readers. I also liked how the foreword was actually an excerpt from the story while being a good introduction at the same time.

Plot: 13/15 ~ I liked your plot a lot but I wished you elaborated a little bit more on the kidnapping part. I was really excited to see who those kidnappers were, what had happened in there that resulted in a knife in “noona’s” stomach.

Flow: 9/10 ~ Mostly, the transitions were smooth and allowed the story to go from one scene to the next but there were some awkward parts in the story, like when Minho brought her to his house, it took me awhile to differentiate between that, and when she betrayed him and he’d caught on.

Spelling/Grammer/Vocabulary: 15/15 ~ I couldn’t find any mistakes, it was all pretty perfect.

Characterization: 9/10 ~ I liked how you described the girl’s personality through her actions. For Minho, I wish you’d done the same and characterized him through more dialogue and action rather than describing his emotions.

Orginality: 8/10 ~ The betrayal element is found in many different stories so that was a little old but I liked how you added your own twist to it and made it more dramatic. Everything came together really well.

Writing style: 10/10 ~ I love writers like you, I really do. You guys make the rest of us look good. The language was rich. That was something I didn’t expect from a lovey-dovey story about two lovers. Your choice of words and how you used them really got me, more than the actual plot or story did. Your story may have been a repeat but the way you told it made it unique.

Overall enjoyment: 9/10 ~ I enjoyed this story very much. I was just frustrated at how short it was. I think that this kind of story needs to be elaborated and told with a lot of detail. There were many, many things that I still wanted to know – What happened to them in the end? Was she crippled? What did his dad think of her now? What happened to his cute little brother? – so that would definitely have made me like it more. Overall though, it was great.

Overall score: 93/100

We’re Just Friends by Babbykrazi4u

2010-01-04T00:47:00.000-08:00

Title: We’re Just Friends
Author: Babbykrazi4u
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/Babbykrzi4u/
Reviewed by: jjwyl@lostshadows.co.nr
Note: I hope you don’t get upset with this score. I was trying my best to give you a good score. But your story is addicting! I hope the next time I review your story I can give you higher marks. =]

Title: 2.5/5
I’m not able to give you a high score for this section because to be honest, if I were to look down a column of story titles, yours would not be the first one that I go to because it doesn’t really stand out much. I would recommend adding a symbol, like a star or heart, right beside the title so that it attracts more attention. But you were able to connect the title with the story itself, so that’s good.

Poster/Background: 8/10
I love the poster. The pictures look amazing and I like how the title is placed in the middle area where everyone can spot it at once. The font style used was also appropriate. And the color of the poster gives me the feeling of mystery and judgment, which in the story you are able to tell us. I think the background is a bit too plain and I would recommend changing the chapter title color from that sky blue into a darker color to match the poster and background.

Forewords: 3/5
It’s not the most exciting foreword I’ve read, but somehow it does make me want to continue because for me, I prefer stories that are based on school life. Your summary of the story wasn’t too long or too short, which is good because if it was too long, you’d bore the readers and practically tell them the entire story. But if it was too short, it wouldn’t give enough details the reader and would get them hooked on.

Plot: 12.5/15
Your plot so far, is quite well thought out. It seems like you know what you’re doing. But I’m going to have to say that I find your story a bit cliché. I mean, there are a lot of stories out there that has a nerd falling for a popular guy or vice-versa.

Flow: 8.5/10
The flow of your story so far is pretty good. ____’s feelings for Jaejoong isn’t developing too fast, which is good. The only thing that I think is a bit rushed is when Donghae and Kim get together. You should show us that scene, so we can experience it ourselves.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 12/15

I saw quite a few grammar and vocabulary mistakes. Even in just the foreword, you kept on changing your grammar tense. I saw that you would use past tenses and then automatically change into present tenses. Try to stick to one tense.

Characterization: 6.5/10
Because you put information on the main characters in the foreword, I was able to have a better grasp on each of them. It’s always a good idea to have some information in the foreword. As the story went on, I was able to learn more about the main girl and Jaejoong. But because, as you said, there are many side characters, I wasn’t able to tell a lot about them. Because there were so many characters in this story, I lost track of who liked who and such.

Originality: 7.5/10
Refer to PLOT

Writing style: 7.5/10
I just wanted to say that I enjoy reading stories that are written like yours, nice and simple. But the downside is, next time don’t use a “_____” for the character’s name. You should actually put a name in there because when I was reading it, I felt like the line was kind of getting in the way and made everything seem a bit messy. Also, try bunching up sentences together to form bigger paragraphs instead of single sentences.

Overall enjoyment: 9/10
I love DBSK! So that’s a plus. And I also love stories where the geek falls in love with the popular guy.

Overall score: 77/100

Like a Mockingbird by BoBoLi0us

2010-01-02T08:21:00.000-08:00

Title: Like a Mockingbird
Author: BoBoLi0us
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/_mockingbird/
Reviewed by: hanichan32319 @ LostShadows

**Reviewer’s note: Hate me if you must. I deserve every ounce of it. You have been waiting patiently for this to be reviewed, and you have waited for well over two months. I am terribly sorry for making you wait so long. Life is a monster, and it jumps out at you when you least expect it. To give to you what I can…there’s not much. All I can do is promise you that I treated this review much more carefully than any other. I can only hope that you will take my advice to heart and forgive me for my tardiness. **

Title: 4/5
You kept with the topic/sentence of the challenge, and it fit the story perfectly, what with all the repetition happening. ^^

Poster/Background: 10/10
Okay, I may just be a little biased, but I love your artwork (you made a poster for one of my stories, and I loved it). The poster was simple yet well-fitting, earning you two jalapenos! (This, in plain English, means two thumbs way, way up…) The mockingbird happens to be my state’s bird (you kill one in Texas, and there are some severe penalties), so that kind of made me smile. (Plus, I got that song from Dumb and Dumber in my head after reading the title.)

Forewords: 4/5
You tricked me. *laughs* I thought you were going to have the story take place at the end of the 19th century, which really got me excited! I love reading historical fiction. It kind of opens eyes as to how different things are over a century later. But oh, well. Nothing too special about the forewords, but I’m glad you explained it was for a challenge.

Plot: 14/15
Pardon me for using this in a review, but *Le Gasp!* I really liked the way you developed the story! I would totally and completely rave about it here, but it seems I already covered that in Originality. Repeating myself just doesn’t seem right…

Flow: 9/10
There was nothing wrong with the flow…as far as I could tell.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 13/15
There were a few capitalization errors as well as some grammatical errors, but it didn’t mess with the flow of the story. Watch to make sure you capitalize names, especially those of major characters. Also, if you are writing a story in the past tense, be sure to watch your tenses. Don’t randomly switch back and forth between tenses.

For example, in the first chapter, you wrote: “He was either in a trance or just plain out of it. [Everytime she asks him out, he declines her offer and says he was busy. Every time she stops by his house, he rushes her away.] Even during school hours, he seemed to be avoiding her.”

The sentence enclosed in the bracket switches to a present tense. Instead of “asks” and “declines” you could say “asked” and “declined”, as well as “said”, “stopped”, and “rushed”.

Characterization: 9/10
Christina seemed like a very lonely girl, and I truly felt her pain. To be left behind by someone you loved dearly…is a fate worse than death. At first, I thought Key was just a stupid boy who had no idea what he would be missing, but then all the fate stuff got explained, and I was like, “Oh…okay.” I did get the whole Kim Kibum thing, though. That kind of blew my mind, as if Key too was just the “reincarnation” of the different men who had left the women behind.

Originality: 10/10
…Dear. God. This very nearly brought me to tears. And her finding that diary of Heo Soomi was no mere coincidence. That was…destiny. It was something that was going to happen because of Fate’s sick and twisted sense of humor. Love knows no bounds (is that a lyric to a song?), and you really can’t escape the cycle. This left me in a deep and somewhat profound silence. You hear girls crying and complaining about losing their boyfriends, but it brings up the question: do they really understand what “loss” truly is? I believe you answered that. ^^

Writing style: 9/10
Diary-based stories are not completely original, but you really don’t see too many of them out there, especially ones as melancholy as this. To me, a journal is the perfect escape from the cruelties of reality (or the perfect plunge into a deep and dark depression), and you seemed to capture that well in your story.

Overall enjoyment: 10/10
Oh, this was such a good story! I’m such a sucker for love-and-loss stories, especially somewhat angst-y ones filled with a metaphorical and literal sense of loss. I really loved reading this, and I will admit: I must have read it about three times before finally writing your review! (Again I apologize for the lateness) I just wanted to get things so perfectly, so the first time I read it was for enjoyment. The second was to catch any mistakes in spelling, grammar, punctuation, etc. The third was a half-and-half, I suppose. You’re an amazing writer (and artiste) and I shall be on the lookout for more of your stories!

Overall score: 92/100

JiYong’s Bloodlust by Comatose Bunny

2010-01-02T08:18:00.000-08:00

Title: JiYong’s Bloodlust
Author: Comatose Bunny
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/comatose_bunny/
Reviewed by: hanichan32319 @ LostShadows

**Reviewer’s note: I deserve every ounce of hatred you may harbor towards me. You have been waiting patiently for your story to be reviewed, and you have waited for well over two months. I am terribly sorry for making you wait so long. Life is a monster, and it jumps out at you when you least expect it. That’s about the only good excuse I can give for my tardiness. All I can do is promise you that I treated this review with care and caution. I can only hope that you will take my advice to heart and forgive me for the late review. **

Title: 4/5
Since the story is not complete, I’m going to guess that the title has something to do with a conflict that has yet to happen. However, it did draw me in because I am a sucker for vampires (I grew up watching Buffy and Angel), and I wanted to read more and more and more, so now you have a new reader. Can’t wait for another update, by the way!

Poster/Background: 9/10
…It almost looks like he’s lying in a pool of blood…which is kind of cool! ^^ Yeah, I have a grim sense of humor, and knowing that a story might have some sort of violence/death in it really gets me interested. The colors went well with the mood, and there isn’t too much intricacy, which can sometimes distract people.

Forewords: 3/5
Stranger danger!!! Sorry. Anyway, I really liked the vagueness of your forewords. It leaves the reader wanting to know who this dark and handsome man is. Well, they sort of already know…but that’s not the point. It was short and simple. However, a little more about the setting, time era, etc. would have been helpful, too.

Plot: 13/15
Hmm, plotwise, this is kind of boring. Not that I’m dozing off. I’m actually enjoying the ride. But the vagueness of where this story might be going could be potentially dangerous for any future readers. They may not like the fact that it’s taking so long for the author to build to a climax.

Flow: 8/10
It’s dragging just a little bit, though I expect that’s what you were aiming for. It kind of keeps the reader on the edge of their seat, hanging in suspension…waiting for the cobra called Major Conflict to arise…sorry, it’s the writing dork coming out of me.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 13/15
Here’s where you ran into trouble. Watching for spelling mistakes (“bury” instead of “burry”), check your grammar from time to time (i.e tenses and whatnot), and watch the wordiness. I went into detail below (see “Writing Style”) about that.

Characterization: 9/10
You’re killing me here. I was dying to know what was up with JiYong’s past and why now, of all times, he decides to bite the girl. What’s up with that? But the story is incomplete, so I’ll let that slide.

Originality: 9/10
You know, I breathed a sigh of relief when you said the story wasn’t going to turn out like Twilight. I absolutely despise that book series and I can’t begin to understand why people like it so much. Is it because young girls are delusional and believe that Eddiekins is going to sweep them off their feet? Or that what’s-his-face is going to turn into the Big Bad Hunky Wolf and save them from evil? You know, your story actually sounded more like characters from the Buffyverse instead of the retards Ms. Meyer wrote about. I applaud you on that. Finally, someone is turning back to the real roots of the vampires who don’t sparkle in the sunlight and act like the whole world is inferior to them and their so-called “killer hair-dos”.

…Ahem. If you weren’t aiming for Buffy vamps, that’s still okay. Anything but the Twilight losers.

Writing style: 7/10
Personally, I like the abstract writing. It leaves creativity room for those with spectacular imaginations. Plus, the words you use aren’t exactly in the average person’s vocab bank. But for those who like a set writing style without so many words and details…this could lose them. To someone who doesn’t have a huge vocabulary, the story may just seem a little like a big bucket of word vomit. I’m not saying to stop altogether; just watch how big your words get, and if the situation calls for it, “stupid it down”.

Overall enjoyment: 9/10
There were some parts where I kind of sat back and thought you were making this into the Korean Twilight, but you surprised me. This story turned out to be really awesome. At first, I had absolutely no freaking clue who JiYong was, so I did a little research and I can thank you for getting me into Big Bang. Them boys crack me up. So far, this story is really kicking a—I mean, butt. I can’t wait for another update from you, and again I apologize deeply for the late review. Please forgive me!

Overall score: 84/100

Within 8 Hours by baboracoon

2009-12-30T01:34:00.000-08:00

Story Title: Within 8 Hours
Story Author: baboracoon
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/baboracoon4/
Reviewer: Darkess

*My reviews are not meant to harm or discourage the author, but to help them fix their stories and do better in the future. The opinions expressed in this review are mine and mine alone, and are not meant to offend you*

Title: 5/5

Perfect. It fit the story and it also sticks out on the winglin page ;D

Poster/Background: 6/10

This looks alright, but it's really simple. It doesn't have any teaser quotes on it at all. But good job since you made it yourself ;D

Forewords: 5/5

The little lines in the beginning were a great way to introduce the story ahead, and a great way to bring your reader back for more.

Plot: 13/15

I think that this was a really intricate and detailed storyline with many twists and turns. I never would have thought that ____ would shoot Kangin o.o Even if she was forced, she almost killed her fiancee. So many people died in this story, and there were so many turns in it that it was fun to keep up with. The storyline was great ;D

Flow: 10/10

I could totally see this story happening in real time. Surprisingly, it IS possible to build a bond so great in such a short amount of time... you described it really well, and the story was long enough to make it seem like it was happening within 8 hours. In addition, your writing flowed from chapter to chapter effortlessly, as if you wrote it all at once.

Spelling/Grammer/Vocabulary: 5/15

Blech. Honestly there are mistakes in almost every sentence. But I'll just point out a few here. I can't really hold it against you since English is not your first language.

was so comfortable one (1)

was comfortable

just for save (1)

just to save

what are you cooking at? (1)

what are you cooking?

as brought the pan on your hands (1)

and brought the pan.

I afraid to losing (1)

I'm afraid of losing

You smacked gently his hand that (1)

You gently smacked the hand that

They again (1)

Them again

as eat a spoonful (1)

as he ate a spoonful

They? (1)

Them?

This gun’s ready to shot you (1)

This gun's ready to shoot you

to aware with (1)

to be aware of

but your eyes could not take him off. (2)

but you could not take your eyes off of him.

I WANT TO EVERYBODY CALM DOWN OR I’LL SHOT YOUR HEAD (2)

I want everybody to calm down or I'll shoot your head

wait me okay (2)

wait for me, okay?

then he cocked the fire to firing his gun (3)

hope he would (3)

this is where that sentence ends.

“No, I’m not (4)

"No, I don't

for shot your head (5)

to shoot your head

nodes. (5)

nods

ever killed (5)

even killed

Let we (5)

Let us

You say shot a lot, and almost every time you say it it is supposed to be shoot

Who is (5)

What is

reason to alive (5)

reason to live

Characterization: 10/10

You were able to grow on each character so much in so little time. I cried at the ending, and felt really horrible for ____ who had to sit and watch her fiancee be shot to death. On top of it she had to watch Yoochun being carried away. Really sad story, and you were able to grow on their personalities so well.

Orginality: 7/10

I thought that two guys falling in love with the same girl was very common, but the way that Kangin and Yoochun each fell in love with her was quite unique. I don't mean that they each fell in love with her eyes, I mean they each fell in love with her so fast. Yoochun fell for her because of a robbery. I think that's a pretty rare and unique idea ;D

Writing style: 6/10

I loved the line Maybe I just need 8 hours to loving you but forgetting you will take my whole life....” that was really memorable and cute ;D Your writing style is a little jumbled, but I understand since English is not your first language. Your overall ideas were easy to understand, but sometimes your details were confusing because they didn't make sense.

Overall enjoyment: 10/10

I got so into this story that I didn't want to stop to correct grammar mistakes after chapter 5, because this is addicting and I wanted to keep reading it. Great job :D

Overall score: 77/100

~Darkess, out

Key To His Heart(One-Shot) by miia186

2009-12-23T01:34:00.000-08:00

Name: miia186
Story Title : Key To His Heart(One-Shot)
Story URL: www.winglin.net/fanfic/miia_chul4
Reviewer: jyyms
Site: http://lostshadows.co.nr/

Title: 2/5

Your title sounds quite interesting and romantic but it doesn't fit the story. The key is for Jaehyeon's heart but the story is mainly on Jaejoong. So I suggest you make the title more related to Jaejoong, rather than Jaehyeon.

Poster/Background: 7/10

You have a poster but you do not have a background. Your poster is very nice but I wonder why Yunho is in the poster since he is not one of the characters. Is he portrayed as Jaehyeon? It will be better for the reader if you had told us who is who.

Forewords: 5/5

I like your forewords very much. It gives us enough information on the story. And the characters were listed out. I like the way it was a short summary of the story. Good job!

Plot: 11/15

Your plot is a bit too simple. The part where the true love is the only one who can find the key is great but the way Jaehyeon accepted (___) was too quick. (____) had risked her own life to free Jaejoong and when she finally found the key, Jaehyeon forgave her because she was his daughter. I think the story would be much more interesting if it was dramatic on how everyone started to accept each other.

Flow: 7/10

As I have said in the 'Plot' section, the part where Jaehyeon accepted (___) was too quick. Other than that, I think your flow was pretty steady.

Spelling/Grammer/Vocabulary: 14/15

You had only one spelling error where you wrote 'here' instead of 'hear'. Don't worry that happens :). Your vocabulary is good for the story. It wasn't baby English or anything along those lines but you can still challenge yourself by using more advance vocabulary.

Characterization: 9/10

Since this is a one-shot, authors cannot really characterize their characters alot. But you did a pretty good job on telling the reader how each character is like.

Orginality: 8/10

The story is not fully original. The way how (___) is Jaehyeon's long lost daughter occurs in many stories. But I enjoyed your story.

Writing style: 9/10

Your writing style was simple and easy to follow. You did a good job.

Overall enjoyment: 7/10

I enjoyed your one-shot but I was disapointed on how it ended. I know I've been fussing about the way the girl was forgiven but I really think that is the only flaw of this story. Great Jobbbb!!!

Overall score: 79/100

I hope you take my review as an advise for your stories in the future^^. Please don't feel offended.

Fragments by Maia

2009-12-19T11:12:00.000-08:00

Title: Fragments
Author: Maia
Story URL: www.winglin.net/fanfic/fragments
Reviewed by jjwyl@lostshadows.co.nr
Note: Great job!

Title: 4/5

It wasn’t the first thing that caught my eye. But I like that it’s simple and one-worded. I also really liked how it matched up with the story itself.

Poster/Background: 9/10
Great poster and background. I really like how the theme of the poster is more on the white side. It really gives us a happier, merrier feeling. And, she pictures are just great!

Forewords: 4/5
I was very captivated in your foreword. You definitely have a talent in writing forewords. I was really attached to it the entire time and it made me want to continue the story. For me, forewords are very important for me when I’m looking for a story to read. If the foreword’s boring, I stop reading and continue on to the next story.

Plot: 13/15
I think the plot is quite nice. It’s not common yet not rare. It’s just that I don’t know quite where you’re trying to take the readers. But I guess it’s because

Flow: 8/10

Your timing was quite well. But I’m still waiting for the ending. It’s just that I thought the beginning was a bit rushed. Everything else seemed quite good.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 13/15

I didn’t find a lot of mistakes, just a couple grammar and spelling mistakes. But I’m really impressed that you used a wide range of vocabulary for this story. There were some words that I didn’t even know. I had to end up using the dictionary for it. But good work nonetheless!

Characterization: 7/10

I couldn’t really see what kind of characters they were. But because of your foreword, I was still able to learn about them.

Originality: 8/10
It’s nice. I think I knew where you were going. You did a good job with this category.

Writing style: 8/10
I really like your style of writing. But I would recommend one thing to you. Try to put your sentences together to form a paragraph instead. It would look a lot more neat and professional.

Overall enjoyment: 6/10

Overall score: 80/100

I fell in love w/ my own brother by Khimme

2009-12-18T01:12:00.000-08:00

Title: I fell in love w/ my own brother
Author: Khimme
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/Ayumu1/
Reviewed by jjwyl@lostshadows.co.nr
Note: Sorry it took so long to do this. And I hope you don’t take this review in an offensive way.

Title: 1/5

It’s not eye-catching enough. And the title seems to be too long, so it looks kind of messy. And you should not write ‘w/’ in story titles because it will make the title look unprofessional.

Poster/Background: 9/10

Love the poster. It really goes with the story because when I read your story, it had lots of happy moments in it and the poster seems to be able to tell us that it’s happy because of its colors.

Forewords: 2/5

There’s not enough information given to us about the story. I think you should have added some more information. Because for me, the foreword is the first thing I look at on a story. If the forewords not any good, I don’t read it. I continue on to another story.

Plot: 9/15
It didn’t seem like you knew quite what you where you were going with the plot. And it wasn’t organized properly.

Flow: 7/10

The flow wasn’t too bad. It was going at a pretty good pace. But just work on the beginning and the end a bit more. I felt like the end was a bit rushed.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/15
For this one, you should really work on capitalizing your ‘I’s’. And try not to use the same words over and over again. I found that you used a lot of ‘You’s’ in your sentences. You should edit your grammar before submitting.

Characterization: 7/10
I didn’t quite get the feel of the characters. You didn’t really explain much about their personalities and such.

Originality: 6/10

The story line is too cheesy and too common. Falling in love with somebody you can’t/shouldn’t. I’ve read a couple of those before.

Writing style: 4/10
I thought there were too much sentences and not enough paragraphs. You should consider writing in bigger paragraphs, putting a bunch of sentences together to form a paragraph. It would look a lot neater. And also, you should put a fictional name for “_____” the line makes it look a bit messy.

Overall enjoyment: 4/10

Sorry, but I couldn’t really get the feel of it.

Overall score: 56/100

Could Have Been The One - kibbit

2009-12-13T12:43:00.000-08:00

Title: Could Have Been The One

Author: kibbit

Link: www.winglin.net/fanfic/kibbit

Reviewer: DarkAngel@lostshadows.co.nr

Title: 4/5

-I have to say, the title isn’t really interesting. It sounds like some of the other stories I’ve been reviewing, or reading. I guess something more interesting can help.

Poster/Background: 9/10

-I like the poster. It was pretty cute. I just don’t really get the background. It doesn’t match with the story or the poster.

Forewords: 5/5

-Your foreword told us a little about the characters and the plot. It also had a little poem. Good job! I just love the poem!

Plot: 7/15

-Sorry, but this plot is so common these days. A girl gets pregnant and other things happen. A good story is unpredictable, and I could pretty much tell what’s going to happen next. You can add something completely shocking in the story and that would grasp the readers’ attention even more.

Flow: 7/10

-The speed of the story went by kind of fast. It’s been days and then months so fast.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/15

-I would prefer if you don’t abbreviate the words because it makes it harder to read like “qt”. Also, add commas and periods. I mean, there’s so much exclamation and question marks that it gets on my nerves. And if you want to end a sentence with a period, don’t put “…” because you put a lot of those. I see a little bit improvement after your first review, but still.

1. Wrong: SoEun: hhmm..mommy would buy you ice cream after you finish day okay??

Right: SoEun: Hm, mommy would buy you ice cream after you finish, okay?

2. Wrong: SoEun: ofcourse its her grandpa’s birthday! Right Ha-neul??

Right: SoEun: Of course! It’s her grandpa’s birthday! Right, Ha-Neul?

I advise you read your story over and try to revise it.

Characterization: 5/10

-The character’s personalities are very common. I would prefer if you added some kind of twist in their life, so it would make the story more exciting. A good story has interesting characters. But I have to admit, they are a little cute.

Originality: 5/10

-Sorry, but I’ve seen many stories similar to this before. I would like to see something new for a chance. It would definitely draw readers to the story if it was different from all the others.

Writing style: 7/10

-I don’t really like script style, but I guess it’s all right. I just want it to have more details.

Overall enjoyment: 6/10

-Sorry, but due to all of the grammar mistakes and the common plot, I didn’t really like this story. I guess it’s okay, but it was boring. I hope you can add a twist to it, so future readers can be more excited.

Overall score: 62/100

xp e r f e c t by EMI

2009-12-11T15:05:00.000-08:00

Title: xp e r f e c t
Author: EMI
Story Link: http://winglin.net/fanfic/xPerfect
Reviewer: ShadowYin
Site: http://lostshadows.co.nr/

This review is not meant to be offensive, but contains purely my personal opinions on how I think the fanfic can be improved. I too, can be wrong, so please don’t take this review to heart.

Title: 3/5: It’s simple, it’s relevant, and it’s good. Personal opinion, I like something more creative and unique which would make me more interested in the plot.

Poster/Background: 8/10: I like how the pictures blend together, but the title could be enlarged? I love the pictures you used, but the quotes are a bit hard to see. Also, the first impression you give the reader is very important. Some readers take interest in your fanfic because of the poster. It’s beautiful, but it doesn’t tell me much about the theme or what your story is about. I really like the background!

Forewords: 4/5: I loved how you started your fanfic with a quote. A few minor errors here and there [look at Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary for examples] it really made the readers want to read more. Not too long or too short. It’s good.

Plot: 11/15: The plot is good and interesting. In a way it’s unique, but read ‘originality’ section. In a way, after you started the fiction, the events were quite predictable. Try think outside the box to surprise your readers. Your plot is actually excellent, but to make it yours you really need to add something which would make the reader remember your fanfic. Your fanfic is different; just need something to make it more special.

Flow: 6/10: The flow of the story was good. However, the flow of the sentences wasn’t as good. I understand you wanted to create longer sentences, but using ‘and’ to connect sentences is not always the best idea. (Please read writing style section) Some sentences flowed very well until you repeated ‘and’ or no connectives at all. For some sentences you only used commas which gave a listing effect, and also interfered with the flow of the story.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 10/15:

You wrote:
Even when people are many technological advancements everyday, nothing can be perfect. (I don’t know what you’re trying to say.)

You wrote:
…he grinned (well, actually, his cheeks lifted a little so she took that as a grin), shouted "Great!"… (try to link your sentences with connectives, because in this case, it doesn’t really make sense.)

My version:
…he grinned (well, actually, his cheeks lifted a little so she took that as a grin) BEFORE SHOUTING "Great!"

You wrote: boy against into a crevice (don’t use both. Either use against or into.)
Some unnecessary punctuation e.g.: "What the hell am I supposed to do, then?" (Comma is not needed. Try reading it to yourself out loud.)

Tenses a bit mixed up: once he explained that 'top secret' part (he hasn’t explained it yet, so it should be explains. Or it could be ‘once he HAS explained’)

-

There were a few others which could be corrected if you proof read. It could be possible that you had the correct grammar in your mind; however a fanfic writer’s biggest enemy is typos. I found a few minor typos here and there. Also sentences were a bit awkward.

You vocabulary improved starting from your introduction. I know that’s when the main story start, but it’s important that you are consistent with your writing. (read writing style section which talks more about your vocab.)

Last example, you wrote:
…if a person died before they truly completed his or her life, before they did everything they needed to do, then they could die with peace, with ease, and with their eyes closed. But if there were things left incomplete within that person’s lifetime, they would die with their eyes open…

-

…if a person died BEFORE… - It means they haven’t done it yet. It feels like you’re self contradicting here. Think you should use AFTER instead?

Characterization: 7/10: There were points when I felt that the characters weren’t really realistic. On the contrary, you made it realistic by including things like ‘neopets’, something which many people can relate to. It makes your character realistic when you make reference to something which is commonly known. Real life problems where raised – once again it makes your characters believable.

I didn’t mark you down on this, because I’m still a tad confused. The story behind Michiyo in chapter 9 and 13/14, was quite different? Don’t know what’s doing on. Like, before it was never mentioned that she has a sister. Also, in chapter 9, it said that her father left the house when she was 10? And then he reappears in chapter 13.

Originality: 7/10: You are quite unlucky. Even though I rarely read books, I’ve read books talking about perfect humans and how they experiment them etc. This also reminds me of Final Fantasy and Gundam Seed. Great animes. I know it’s hard to be original, and compared with many fanfics I’ve read, this is original. It’s just not the first time someone’s used this. Like I said before, try thinking outside the box. Surprise your readers.

The part where there was a killer was really good. Great built up of tension, excellent description.

Writing style: 7/10:

Chapters started with quotes – loved it.

Some of techniques I’ve spotted. This is good, because it shows your understanding of the English language. These techniques also allow the reader to imagine the fanfic better.
- Rule of three
- Rhetorical questions
- Onomatopoeia
- Varied sentences used in a very effective way. (Some were used very effectively, whilst some needed some work on.)
- Personification
- Similes

The statistics you used in your introduction, really made your fanfic seem real. Well done!

The way you describe appeal to the human senses, which is good.
On the other hand, I was disappointed when you included two dialogues from two different speakers on the same line. It would be best if you start a new line for a different speaker. In a way, it ruins the structure, making it difficult to read. Also, it gets a bit confusing who’s speaking what. You only did it a few times, so it wasn’t too bad.
Also at a point, you were writing in the third person, then in the same paragraphed switched to writing it the first person.

-

You wrote:

The people in it AND myself call it the Sphere Project, because as you know, spheres are well-rounded AND must not have any faults in them or else they will not work.

Try not to include more than one ‘and’ in a sentence. Try not to be so repetitive, and use other connectives.

My example:
The people in it AS WELL AS myself…

Another example of what you wrote:
Right after the new Project AND the scientist had left, she had persuaded Henry AND Jinki to come with her to her house for lunch, AND after they were full AND fed, she had blackmailed them immediately with embarrassing pictures of them, AND forced them into even more embarrassing things AND took even more embarrassing pictures of them.
It’s not good to repeat the same word in a sentence. It applies to many words, and ‘and’ is a crucial one. There’s already 6 ‘and’ s in one sentence, imagine how many more ands I found on the page. If you can’t think of a connective to link the sentences, one of the best options is to keep it short. Long sentences don’t necessarily mean it’s good. Sometimes, a short snappy sentence is better than a long descriptive one, which is why it’s good to have a balance of both, and know when to use it at the right times. The example I picked out is an abnormally long sentence. You could probably split that in three or four sentences. Sentences like these interfere with the flow of the fanfic.

Remember: Repetition is used to make it memorable for the reader. The way you repeated ‘and’, ‘said’ and ‘however’ does not have this effect. Later on the fanfic, you dropped the uses of ‘said’ and ‘however, but ‘and’ is still used a lot throughout.

Some of the sentences, you left it at an awkward position. Example: He made an awkward smile, said “Sorry,” kissed her forehead and left the room.
Michiyo slept with uncertainty.

There’s nothing wrong with this, but once again it link with the flow of the sentences. Try reading it to yourself. Here I thought you could’ve expanded, or reworded the sentence because there were no connectives which made your description sound like a list. Also, “Michiyo slept with uncertainty.” It’s so short; it felt like it was more like a direction in a play. Commas make your sentences longer, but there’s no use making them long when it doesn’t flow.

My version (edited it a bit):
He gave her an awkward smile whilst apologizing. Before he left the room he planted a kiss on her forehead, which made her sleep with uncertainty.

Overall enjoyment: 7/10
You have a great imagination, and lovely description. However repetition of ‘and’ and ‘said’ pulls your writing down. I enjoyed it because you were very descriptive, also because it’s not something I commonly read in fanfics. It’s a story with great thoughts as well as imagination. You have great ideas, except that you need to think about your way of presenting. Every time I was getting into the plot, I come across errors which make me stop to think what you were trying to say.
In later chapters, the plot got really good. I love how you describe the tragedy of each character.

Overall score: 70/100
I hope this helps. Sorry if I offended you in any way, I really didn’t mean it. *Hides* don’t hate me. Good luck with your fanfic. Hwaiting!

Under the stars by Miki_Lee

2009-12-10T23:29:00.000-08:00

Title: Under the stars
Author: Miki_Lee
Story Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/Miki_Lee/
Reviewer: ShadowYin
Site: http://lostshadows.co.nr/

This review is not meant to be offensive, but contains purely my personal opinions on how I think the fanfic can be improved. I too, can be wrong, so please don’t take this review to heart.

Title: 2/5: I like the title. However it’s really simple, which doesn’t particularly interest me. Also, I was unable to connect the story with the title. There was reference to stars in later chapters, but I can’t relate it to Hyukjae and Donghae.

Poster/Background: 6/10: It’s simple, yet not very eye catching in a way which would make me interested in the story, but I love your use of picture. Extra point…because it’s blue. :D

Forewords: 3/5: Doesn’t really tell me what the story is about, and since it’s generally your message to the readers, I won’t mark you down on spelling/punctuation/grammar, but it tells the readers what to expect, which is good.

Plot: 9/15: I really liked the part when Moonsora died. I sound evil, but it’s true. The tension built up so quickly. I think it was my favourite part. Also, her death was so sudden. It was unpredictable that she would die so soon with her baby. It was cliché in a way, but I really liked it.

More bonus points because you included Ryeowook, and many other Super Junior members too!

I’m not much of a yaoi fan, but your fanfic is sweet. The plot was interesting in a way because it included so many side stories, and Eunhae is cute :D.

In a way, it’s also because you have so many side stories it loses the story’s main focus.

Flow: 7/10: Overall, the flow was ok. However, I took some points away because some of the sentences didn’t flow as well. Some of your longer sentences went on and on, which made it seem like you were listing out the description, whereas it would’ve been more effective to either start a new sentence or use different connectives to make your story flow better.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/15:
Here are some of the examples of ways I thought your fanfic could be improved.

You wrote:
His feet were moving smooth around the room…
My version:
His feet were moving SMOOTHLY around the room…

-

You wrote:
DongHae could not help it, he stared at HyukJae like he was cursed; he was so talented, but also beautiful. [use of connective – ‘but’ has an opposing effect. If you want to use ‘but’ it would make more sense to write: ‘He was not only talented, but beautiful too.’ Your sentence makes sense, but it doesn’t flow as well. Or I suggest you replace ‘but’ with ‘and’] He shook his head. Beautiful? What was he thinking? “I’m a man, dammit! I’m just really exhausted,” he was talking to himself, loud enough for HyukJae to hear, if he were not in the middle of a dance.

My version:
DongHae could not help BUT stare at HIM AS IF he was cursed; HE WAS NOT ONLY TALENTED, BUT BEAUTIFUL TOO. He shook his head. Beautiful? What was he thinking? “I’m a man, dammit! I’m just really exhausted,” he was talking to himself, loud enough for HyukJae to hear, if he wasn’t in the middle of a dance.

-

You wrote:
Hae-Min was staring confused at him.

My version:
Hae-Min stared at him in confusion

-

You wrote:
It knocked on the door. “Can I come in?” (there’s nothing wrong with this sentence, but I think it would be better if you didn’t use ‘it’? because ‘it’ is normally used to describe objects and animals?)

My version
Someone knocked on the door before asking for permission to enter. (but since you want to leave the chapter in suspense, you could’ve just left it as ‘there was a knock on the door’ and probably expand on that. Sometimes it might not be necessary to use dialogue.)

Example:
Someone knocked on the door which made them jump. They stared at each other, wondering who was behind that door.

.
Suggestions (these I didn’t mark you down on.): (your use of words – correction/suggestions)
Started thinking – thought
Started looking - looked
Stared angry – Stared angrily.

*Errors on certain spellings were found, which can easily be spotted by proof reading*

Confusion of word – ‘wept’: ‘wept’ means weeping in the past tense which is another word for cry. But it seems like you’ve misused the word? I THINK you’ve mistaken it with the word ‘wiped’?

On the other hand, your vocab was getting better as the story progressed.

Characterization: 5/10: I’m going to be picky, sorry…
Even writing fanfics myself, I can’t help but make the males cry, but in reality men crying all the time doesn’t seem real in a way. I know you might not realise whilst typing, but the reader may not like that. Remember crying is a very sensitive emotion, be careful when you’re writing about it.

Donghae – you made him possess a feminine personality throughout the fanfic, which shows you’ve considered his character.
Some characters do the same actions. For example: Haemin always pokes Donghae, which makes the characters more realistic.

ShiWon = Religious. I’ll give you points for that.

Confusion about characters…Shindong suddenly becomes Kangin in chapter 21?

Originality: 8/10: It was original. Quite a lot unexpected parts.

Writing style: 7/10: I realised you used ‘were not’, ‘could not’ quite often, but sometimes it might be easier to write ‘weren’t’ and ‘couldn’t’ for a change?

You used quite a lot of writing techniques, which I am pleased to see. It shows your understanding in the English language. You used similes which really help the reader to imagine the character’s feelings, surroundings etc. Also you made use of questions, which not only made the reader think but also give us an insight of what the character was thinking.

Sometimes I feel that some of your longer sentences can be split into two – but this is only my personal opinion. It felt weird, because some of your sentences were really descriptive, but you also had sentences which lacked description. I didn’t know whether you wanted that effect or not. Some authors do this for effect, but if you use it too many time, the technique doesn’t work that well. Some sentences I really think you can expand to make it more interesting.

More suggestions

You wrote:
…He heard Hae crying, AND even though he had no idea of what was going on AND was angry as hell, he had to turn around AND try comforting his hyung.

My suggestion:
Try not to repeat the same word in the same sentence. It makes your sentence boring and repetitive. It also makes the readers see your lack of vocab.

Note: you wrote ‘America of all things!’ I’m not sure if it’s for characterisation or you purposely did that, but it would make more sense to say ‘America of all places!’

I loved the way you used cliff-hangers at the end of every chapter, it makes the reader interested in what would happen next in the story.

Read spell/puct/gram section. Also, I noticed you used the same words throughout the fanfic. I know it’s hard to realise it whilst you’re writing, but for a reader, it might lose their interest in the entire plot. Try changing your words once in a while. You don’t need a MASSIVE range of vocab, but just a few different words so that your writing isn’t so repetitive. However, because the words you used were relatively simple, it was easy to understand the storyline.

Overall enjoyment: 6/10: I didn’t like how you repeated ‘and’ so often. It got really repetitive for me, especially when I found more than one ‘and’ in a sentence. There were times when the sentences appeared to be a bit awkward to me, but because I’m unsure, I didn’t mark you down on that.

Bonus point because you included ‘Koizora’!! I love it personally, but also because it makes your story seem real in a sense because Koizora is a movie/drama, which many Asian drama/movie addicts can relate to.

I felt rather confused in a few chapters, for example from 17 to 18. I had to stop to think where the ‘5 days’ came from.

But anyways, extra points because your style of writing was improving in later chapters. ^^

Dialogue would be better if you started a new line for a different speaker. When it’s all in one line, the structure doesn’t look that nice, and sometimes it hard to tell who’s speaking.

I don’t really like to read chunks of writing, which was how you wrote at the end. I love chapter 21 though!!! It was so sad!

HYUKJAE! DONGHAE! HWAITING!

Overall score: 60/100
Please don’t be offended. I hope this would help you improve. Good luck on your story. Hwaiting!

Tips: try to expand your use of connectives and vocab. Proof read – some of the sentence structure and words were a bit awkward.

My Last Request - _niXiah

2009-12-10T12:02:00.000-08:00

Title: My Last Request

Author: _niXiah

Story Link: http://winglin.net/fanfic/_niXIAH12/

Reviewer: Pararae

Site: http://lostshadows.co.nr/

Title: 3/5 I give you 3 because…

1. It suit the plot well as Changmin only wanted to stay by Jun Hee’s side until his last moment on earth. Technically he knows that he can’t be well and will die anyway. So that his last request is to have Jun Hee beside him.
2. It gives a good mood to the story. By just looking at the title, I know it will be a sad story, so I can say that it complement the story well. Because some titles don’t go along with the story so much because of the lack of stressing point in the title. But one shot is easier to write a title because it is straight to the point business and you done it quite well.
3. The title has no spelling mistake and capitalization error.

But you lose 2 marks because

1. It’s not interesting enough. If I go around the winglin in hunt for good story, I would definitely miss yours out, because it’s not eye-catching enough.
2. It’s too simple. Simple is good but too simple is kind of off. Try to find something more sophisticated, something that can attract readers. Use big words or interesting quote in the title to make it better, but the phrase must picture the plot wholly without leaving out the main point of the story.

Poster/Background: 5/10 the poster, text and background need a little more improvement. The color of the text is visible but a little flashy. White is not too suitable with blue because both of them are bright so try to use a contra color combination for example: black and white/ silver and black, black and blue. Because when both the background and the text are bright, it can hurt the readers’ eyes. Even though it’s not too severe but staring at it for a long time could be. The background is too plain. There’s not even a single design at the back. I think more of a complementation design could work to make the story appear stressed. The font in the poster is not suitable for the picture. It’s too bold and seems awkward too.

Forewords: 3/5 you lose 2 because…

1. It looks messy. By staking them without a border line looks really unorganized. Maybe you should try using border line such as: ----- etc to separate the summary from the author note and the detail you placed on top.
2. There’s a lot of mistakes in your summary, for example:

~ There are times when I'll be optimistic.. and there are times when I'll be pessimistic.

(Ellipsis (…) should only appear in a set of 3 and ‘and’ behind the ellipsis should be capital letter because it’s the start of the new sentence.)

~ Mostly, optimistic. Sometimes, I would think that... when I die, I'm lucky because I won't be suffering anymore... that was one of my optimistic sides... another is when... I would think that I would get to see my mom who is in heaven again... I really miss her, a lot, her warm and comfortable hugs, her angelic voice, her sweet scent... there are countless things in which I could describe her. (Same goes here. Whatever word behind ellipsis must be in capital letter and don’t chop your words with ellipsis too much. You could just simply join them or use another punctuation marks such comma or semi colon. For example: Sometimes, I would think that when I die, I'm lucky because I won't be suffering anymore; that was one of my optimistic sides. See, you don’t need ellipsis to separate them. Try to use variety of punctuation to make it more vary.)

Plot: 10/15 let me get this one out; Jun Hee become a temporary nurse to Changmin, later they fall in love and Changmin die after knowing that Jun Hee wants to become a doctor because of him. I think it’s rather common. The theme you use is too overused that you need an ultimate plot make-up to differentiate it from the others. Scene such Changmin met Jun Hee while he’s in subconscious state is good but not too realistic because it happen so quickly and the scene where Jun Hee met Changmin the first time in the hospital is funny, I actually find it adorable how both of them get along so well. The opening is good, but the ending is a bit spoiled, because of the rushing flow, lack of elaboration in a few scenes to make it stand out and the ending is predictable. Writing in Changmin’s point of view at the beginning is good because it bring the mood out; it is him who sick anyway, so the mood is there but the scene is off. You just need to repair how you develop the scene to make it interesting and how to add a few actions and twists to make it better.

Flow: 7/10 the flow of the story is quite fast from the beginning. The relationship between Changmin and Jun Hee develop so fast as in fairytale. I can’t imagine how a sick guy could possibly fall in love with his nurse in just a matter of days. If you say the relationship going for years, I have to say you didn’t develop the relationship properly. The time span between the opening and the ending is too fast, as if they just happen in a blink of an eye, so try to give more space for the time and flow to develop slowly. Don’t rush the plot and don’t force the ending to end faster because it will impair the whole time frame of the story. Elaboration is lacking during those fast forward periods of years and it makes the story still trap in the year they met. So as I said before, don’t haste, take a deep breathe and let the story flow in an acceptable speed.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/15 I’ve found a few mistakes, so let’s take a look at this…

1. “I am Kim Jun Hee, you are Shim Changmin, right?” she went towards my bed.

(After quotation mark, ‘she’ supposed to be in capital letter because it’s the start of a new sentence.)

2. I want fresh air and not the cold air coming from the aircon.

(Spelling mistake: aircon. It is supposed to be air-con.)

3. she informed me.

(She is a start of a new sentence, so capital letter should be correct.)

4. “Wow..”

(Ellipsis should only appear in a set of 3. Correction: “Wow…”)

5. she happily and excitedly exclaimed as she handed me down a white paper.

(Again, she supposed to be in capital letter. And ‘handed me down a white paper’ sounds wrong. You cannot hand someone down a white paper, down shouldn’t be in the sentence. You can either write as: She happily and excitedly exclaimed as she handed me a piece of white paper. OR: She happily and excitedly exclaimed as she handed me a white paper.)

6. I asked as I took it from her. She was looking at me with a big smile.

(Don’t chop your sentences; try to combine them if you can. Correction: I asked as I took it from her, and she was looking at me with a big smile.)

7. she pulled away as she sniffed. She wiped with her back hands, the tears that were coming from her eyes.

(Again, mind you capitalization and choppy sentences. Also, it seems that you didn’t arranger your words properly. It supposed to be: ‘she wiped what, with what’, not the other way around. Correction: she pulled away as she sniffed, and she wiped the tears that were coming from her eyes with her back hand.)

8. I covered my mouth as soon as my eyes felt like it’s moving in its own will… left to right, up and down, like it sees something that I cannot understand.

(You are using past tense in your story so don’t mixed it up unless if you need to. Correction: I covered my mouth as soon as my eyes felt like it was moving in its own will; left to right, up and down, like it saw something that I cannot understand.)

9. Seeing her in front of me… it means… we’re both dead. ???

(I wonder if you accidentally placed ‘???’ at the back or you purposely did it. But anyway, you shouldn’t put ‘???’ behind period. It’s supposed to be: we’re both dead???)

10. On why I was here already and why she was crying… all I know… was… I suffered from it again.

(Already is unneeded because ‘was’ already point that Changmin was there/already there, so by putting already in the sentence is repeating.)

11. I feel like my heart is starting to feel tired of beating… I felt like… my eyes wants to close permanently already…

(Correction: I felt like my heart is starting to feel tired of beating… I felt like… my eyes wanted to close permanently…)

12. Out of my Hands

(I know this is a lyric and you might just copy and paste but try to be careful next time because ‘hands’ should be in small letter.)

I realize that you have some problem with past tense, spelling, choppy sentences, capitalization, punctuation marks and clause. I advice you to use spell check if needed but try to revise your story again manually because the mistakes are not hard to find.

Characterization: 6/10 The characterization of Changmin is rather blurry. I can say that he’s sick, tired, talented, optimistic, but I kind of question his sense of relationship. You didn’t provide any sort of aspect that Changmin like in a girl except for cute or funny. Try to make it more detail, even though it is a one shot, because it will exclude Jun Hee from the rest of cute and funny girls in the world. I know there’s a lot. Jun Hee’s character is more or less the same as Changmin. She claimed that her dream of becoming a doctor because after her uncle told her about Changmin’s talent and how he would want to live like other healthy people. But don’t you think it is general? Doesn’t every sick person want to live healthily? See, the aspect that you bring onto these two important casts are too general and it could happen to almost anyone on earth, not just these two persons. So try to make it more detail, more description so we could exclude these two lovers from anyone else. It would make the story more interesting anyway.

Originality: 6/10 I don’t see much originality here because love theme is always overused and it depends on the writer to twist the theme and make it rare, but in your case, you stick to the old time ‘girl meet boy, boy is sick, they feel in love and the boy die’. These kind of story can be found practically anywhere and I’ve read it more than twice before. You didn’t vary the story so much, except from a different story line. Try to put more twist in here, or more drama, this kind of story could use more action too to make it more interesting. I know this is one shot and it supposed to get straight to the point but try to add a little twist scene that not too dragging but attractive. However, I like it when you make Jun Hee and Changmin fall in love (officially) after he faint because it at least give space between the opening to the climax, even though it could use more space. The time when Changmin saw Jun Hee while he faint, saying that to spend time together for the last moment is a bit common. People fall in love tend to get a dream about their lover before they come back to the state of consciousness. So try not to use that kind of scene unless you can twist it a bit to make it rare. There still much work to do here, but I think you can do it.

Writing style: 7/10 I’m not too fancy with your writing style because besides the spelling/grammar/spacing/proverb and such mistakes, your sentences are rather incomplete. You didn’t provide a complete predicate to support the subject, making the clauses of sentences hanging without acceptable nominative proverbs and nouns. You have to practice on building complete sentences because it will have a good elaboration to explain on the subject, suitable proverbs and good past/present tense (depends on which you use). This will enhance the liability of your flow and characteristic to develop itself. Also, you have a habit to chop paragraph when they actually can use more sentences. I know writing a long paragraph would be unneeded because we can extend the length of a chapter by chopping them up, but if a paragraph only left with one or two sentences, it wouldn’t be good.

Overall enjoyment: 6/10 I enjoy your story but too many mistakes kill the joy. There is a few times where I laugh and smile, your story is quite funny and I like the optimistic and sick Changmin. Lolz.

Overall score: 60/100

The Teacher - Pretty Bitch

2009-12-03T12:12:00.000-08:00

Title: The Teacher
Author: Pretty Bitch
Story Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/MakiloveJae/
Reviewer: Pararae
Site: http://lostshadows.co.nr/

Title: 2/5 I gave you 2 because…

1. You actually point directly to Maki because she’s a teacher and Yamapi because he’s one too. Both of them are important characters so it’s good to point directly to them.
2. Because it’s simple.

But you lose 3 because…

1. Well, I do agree that Yamapi and Maki is important character, but how about Jaejoong? Isn’t he important too? Try to find a title that point to all of the characters to make it even better. Even though, it won’t appear specific but it’s even better than to not touch the important character at all. The easiest way to write a title is to make a title that picture the plot of the story or the climax of the story line. Because it will stressed on those scene to make it more important.
2. It’s not interesting. It’s simple, yes, but too simple is bad too. If I ever to wonder around in Winglin in hunt for a good story, I would definitely miss yours because it’s not eye catchy enough to attract my attention. It’s not because of the size or shape or icon people love to put beside their title, but it’s about the words you place up there. It’s not attractive enough.
3. Every title can give out a mood to the story or can hint the readers about the genre and point of the story but in your case, I can’t feel anything. The Teacher is like plain with no mood and it doesn’t actually pictures the plot you come out with in this story.

Poster/Background: 5/10 I know it’s not your design because you actually request it from a site but, I have to be fair and acknowledge this category anyway. It’s not your fault but you lose 5 marks because…

1. The picture of the girl on top (Maki? I’m not sure because I’m not really familiar with the characters) doesn’t blend in too much. We can actually see that her picture and the picture behind her are glued together but don’t really match. The opacity of the picture is bad too.
2. The picture of the girl in silver dress almost eaten by the color white. It’s like she lost almost half of her head in that color.
3. Jaejoong’s picture looks weird in the poster. It did not arrange properly and his picture is like smashed between the big and the small picture.
4. The color of white in the poster looks simple with no additional design. It looks too simple as in empty.
5. The background’s color is almost close to grey or silver but it doesn’t match with the color of the poster. It’s like both of them are two different things come from two different pairs. It looks awkward.

Forewords: 2/5 you got 2 because…

1. You got the basic detail: genre, characters and summary.
2. It’s organized and clean because some people tend to scramble the content like one pile of bucket, making it appear messy. But you arrange them nicely and it’s easy to understand.

But you lose 3 marks because…

1. I’ve spotted choppy words in your summary. You shouldn’t shop your words when they can be combine into a sentence, for example: Yamapi is known as the 'hot teacher'. While Maki is known as the 'pretty and nice but fierce teacher'. Instead it could be written as: Yamapi is known as the 'hot teacher', while Maki is known as the 'pretty and nice but fierce teacher'. See, no period needed.
2. You miss one thing: credit to the designer in your forewords. Because when new readers wanted to read the story with a poster, they should wonder who made it. (Including myself) even though I can read it from the poster, you should actually take a courtesy to write it in your forewords. Crediting a designer in update is good but put it in the forewords too next time.
3. You extend the forewords to chapter 1 for characters’ description which I think unneeded because as the readers continue reading your story, they will pick up on the characterization themselves by the way you write them so there’s not need to point it all. After all, it will ruin the fun and surprises.

Plot: 11/15 you lose 4 from here because…

1. Your plot has less action but more flashback at the first 2-3 chapters. Not to say it’s good but you give out the surprise too soon. Shouldn’t Maki have some space to develop her relationship with her students especially Eun Mi first before all of the flashbacks happen? Her characterization lost even before the main point of the story are written, so as I say, don’t rush, but take a deep breath and let time frame develop first before spilling out the flashback.
2. Your plot is common with no additional interesting action or scene. You stick up to the main point too much that there’s no input of some action in it. If this is a one shot, then I would to understand but chaptered fic is different. You can put more action without making it too dragging.
3. The ending of the story is expected. Jaejoong and Maki get married and the heart-broken Yamapi will leave them because he’s so good to hurt Maki. There’s no surprise here.
(I deduct two marks from the first one because it gives a lot of effect to the story.)

Flow: 7/10 you lost 3 marks because the flow is too fast in a few scenes, for example:

1. When Eun Mi says she’s half Korean, half Japanese, Maki quickly say, “Wait! I’ll talk to you after this.” I know teachers love to rush stuff, trust me, I know a few teachers in my school like that but in this story, because of the lack of elaboration and explanation, the flow went off the usual speed, as if you are rushing in writing, not Maki.
2. When you make Maki talk to Eun Mi about how she move from Korea to Japan, lack of elaboration and feelings make it feel weird and fast. I mean, why would a teacher shows emotion, especially a painful one when she just met the student and it is at the start of the year. It’s not logic and teachers supposed to keep their professionalism in tack especially when she wants to help the student with class, like Eun Mi’s case.
3. There are a lot of scenes like this repeated in your story. So I have to deduct your mark for repetition. Try not to rush in writing and try to write an elaboration to a scene to give out efficient emotions or to extend the time span of the story. And please don’t write based on fairytale, what person in a right mind would introduce herself to the class as ‘not interested in relationship’ or show a sad emotion too quickly?

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 10/15 I found a few mistakes in your spelling and it is repeated throughout the story. I won’t point all of them because it is the same mistakes: past tense, spelling, period (.) and choppy sentences. I advice you to recheck your story again after you finish writing them and before you post them to avoid any careless mistake. Use spell check if you have to, but try manual because it works better that way. Anyway, let’s take a look at this.

1. "I can take you there and after that, I'll drop you home!". Yamapi keep suggesting.
(There is no need for period (.) to be added behind the quotation marks. And keeps supposed to be keeps (present tense) or kept (past tense) because Yamapi is one person so the next nominative predicate shouldn’t be in root word.)

2. Maki said. Yamapi then smiles with excitement.
(You chop words where they shouldn’t be. Correction: Maki said as Yamapi smiles with excitement. OR: Maki said and Yamapi then smiles with excitement. OR: Maki said, making Yamapi smiles with excitement. AND: ‘said’ is past tense and so the story should be in past tense, so ‘smiles’ supposed to be ‘smiled’.)

3. Yamapi asked naughtily. Maki's eyes widened.
(You chop your words again. Correction: Yamapi asked naughtily and Maki’s eyes widened. OR: Yamapi asked naughtily, making Maki’s eyes widened in disbelieve. You can actually add some proverb (disbelieve/shock/surprise) to make the sentence much better and longer.)

4. Maki is standing at the gate. Talking to herself.
(Please don’t chop your words. Correction: Maki was standing at the gate, talking to herself. This story is in past tense so ‘is’ supposed to be ‘was’. Watch out for your past tense.)

5. "Their good. But some girl students really can't help it but to adore me!"
(‘Their’ is wrong. You should say: They’re good, but some girl students really can’t help it but to adore me!” Because it’s a short form of ‘they are’.)

Characterization: 6/10 your characterization is ok but I won’t say great because you miss a few, so I have to deduct 4 marks because…

1. Jaejoong’s characterization is a bit dull. He looks like an ordinary sad looking, heart-broken, love missing guy. There’s nothing about his character that could make me leap in excitement, so try to polish him up.
2. Maki’s character is a bit confusing, maybe because human is confusing at the first place, but she’s a teacher but doesn’t act like one. By the way her intro herself, the way she acts in front of her students and the way she acts in the class, doesn’t picture her as a teacher at all. She loses that professionalism in her.
3. Yamapi’s character is a bit…isn’t solid. He need more space for his characterization to develop and you definitely forget to give some explanation about his character in a few scenes because she’s not fully developed.
4. You didn’t balance the characterization of all the characters up. Some of them are well developed like Maki, even though her personality is a little shaky, but I understand her more than I understand Yamapi or Jaejoong. While the least character I can catch is Yamapi. You should develop the character in a pace that they could give out a solid description of a realistic character (because this is not a fairytale like Disney story) to fit the plot, even though they’re missing in a few scene to give way for the other characters but try to balance them up in the next field.

Originality: 7/10 every story has it own originality and nor-so-original in them and same goes for you. You lose 3 marks because…

1. Love theme is just too overused.
2. Having a guy who love you and tease you while you have a little feeling for your ex is totally common.
3. Meeting you Ex back after a few years of painful break up is really cliché too. I can find them exactly anywhere so try to add little original or rare theme in the story to make it uncommon.

Writing style: 5/10 your writing style is good but there’s space for you to polish them up, for example:

1. Don’t chop your words because it will appear very immature. Try to find any punctuation marks (comma, semi-colon, colon, etc) to replace the usual period.
2. You like to use simple words instead of using a wide range of vocabulary. I can’t fine any single complicated or top words in your story. I know using them meaning less understanding from the readers are bad, but try to use them anyway, because it can enhance your writing skill, vocabulary and English general skill.
3. Your sentences are not well built. You barely complete the predicate to a subject but you already put a period on it and ended it just like that. The clauses of the sentences are not well developed and the subject’s elaborations are not good enough. You don’t use proverb to support the active subject and you didn’t combine words to form a complete sentence. Most of your sentences are incomplete and not well developed, so try not to chop them and try to revise their sentences again to avoid any unnecessary mistake.
4. I found more dialogue than elaboration. Do you know that elaboration can give a few spaces for the flow, characterization and even sentences to develop properly? You cannot expect to write dialogue and assume that the reader could understand it without a proper explanation. Elaboration is as much as important as dialogue and dialogue is as much as important as the plot. So try to balance them up to make a good story.
5. You like to separate a dialogue from the same person with double spacing. For example: "Okay, since this is the first day of school, our class lesson is 'Get To Know Me'." Yamapi said.
"Then, I'll go first. My name is Mr. Yamashita Tomohisa, for those who didn't know my name. I had been teaching here at Osaka Academy for 4 years. I'm 24 years old and I'm currently single." Yamapi stated.
You can actually just combine them in the same paragraph because if you place it like that, some people would have difficulty to understand because thought it was spoken by a different person. So don’t separate a paragraph unnecessarily

Overall enjoyment: 6/10 I like your story but there’s a few scenes that repel my attention, so try harder and practice more. Don’t rush to write and don’t forget to be careful with spelling and choppy sentences. You have the basic skill of writing; you just need to polish it up a little, so good luck and don’t give up.

Overall score: 62/100

Because i know - 'Niii

2009-11-30T06:40:00.000-08:00

Title: Because I Know [one-shot]

Author: ‘Niii

Story Link: http://winglin.net/fanfic/_know/

Reviewer: Pararae

Site: http://lostshadows.co.nr/

Note: Seems that I always write a review in paragraph/continuous writing, I am experimenting with a new technique. Point form! Lolz. I thought it will be much easier to understand and very organized. Well, at least, that’s what I think. But I want to know your opinion on it, okay ‘Niii? Please~ if it’s bad, I’ll stick to the old one XD

Here goes…

Title: 4/5 I gave you 4 because…

1. Your title suits the story well. It is derived from the plot itself and clearly hints the readers that TaeMin knew what happen which no one else did. And even so, he believes and knows that she’s here for him.
2. It gives out a brilliant mood of angst. I could stare at the title, knowing it will be a sad story without looking at any other detail you provide. It’s really impressing to see the title that could do many tricks by just simple words.
3. Even though your title is simple and technically hanging because there’s no predicate to support the subject claimed, but it is more than acceptable. Instead of putting a long sentence up there but not doing well as title will be a waste anyway. The way you summarize the story with simple quote makes it more interesting.
4. And it could also drive a curiosity out of someone. The first time I saw the title, I wonder what he knew. And this makes me want to read it more. Wholly, I can say that this title is good, short but interesting.

But you lose 1 mark because I think by using big words as a title could do a better job. Try to find a phrase with complicated words yet compliment the story well and fit all of the description above. I think it will make it more interesting because, for example: If you walk around and saw Psychosis Attraction and Crazy Attraction on Winglin, which one would you prefer? They are mainly about the same thing but the words are different and these words could effect one’s opinion towards a story.

Poster/Background: 7/10 I like your poster, it’s really beautiful and I think it really boost the story. The color of brilliant black is very elegant and my favorite too. The title fonts are great and the supporting design is good too but you lose 3 marks because…

1. The color of small font below the title is very hard to see. It says who is the author and the designer but I can’t catch the name of the designer because it was almost eaten out by the white and I wouldn’t know whose the designer is until I read the forewords.
2. The quality of the pictures is quite low so try to use a high quality picture next time and I can still see the disturbing outline of the female cast. Even though it’s not too visible but I spotted it by second glance. That means the picture doesn’t blend in well enough to the poster.
3. And the background is too simple. By just putting the poster again at the background doesn’t fit the bill. It could use more and different design on the back to make it more beautiful.

Forewords: 5/5 I gave you 5 because…

1. It’s complete with all the basic details it need; summary, characters, disclaimer and genre. At first, I was about to deduct a mark for not having genre but after reading your author note, you just put it at a different place, that’s all. Even though you miss background or such, it is unneeded because it’s only a nominative detail.
2. No spelling mistakes, no capitalization mistakes and no grammar mistakes in the forewords.
3. Organized and clean with no messy detail or scramble sentences.
4. And like my EST teacher always say; short but sweet.

Plot: 13/15 I give you 13 because…

1. The plot is good and I like how the story starts with TaeMin’s disease because it makes the point stressed and look important. Since, this is a one-shot so it’s better if it gets straight to the point instead of going out of the topic too much.
2. The ending is great too, despite the slight off flow; I didn’t expect he will die at the end. I thought he will survive and continue his life with what’s left of him after JaeMin’s death. And that surprise is really good. It makes the story much better.
3. To tell you the truth, I almost cry at the end at how touching the story is but the disturbing ringing of my friend’s phone call kills the mood. It’s really refreshing to read a bittersweet story such this instead of the old time happy ending story.

But I deducted 2 marks from here because…

1. The plot is too short. I expect more because you barely developed the characterization and flow too, but it ended up too fast and you didn’t give enough space for them too.
2. There is no additional action. The story goes on like a normal guy that spends all his life to become a superstar while he’s actually sick and he lost his lover too. And at last, after a few years of sorrow, he dies. The twist is there but the action is not that much. It would be better if you put a little challenging scene to support the story and it will definitely give space for the character to develop and it will extend the flow of the story. So, it’s like killing 2 birds with one stone.

Flow: 9/10 the flow is good and balance. You didn’t go off the lane too much and stick to the plot throughout the story but you lose 1 mark because…

1. I can actually see when your flow started to move a little faster than usual. The ending. From when TaeMin collapse on the stage to the rest of SHINee found out about JaeMin’s death at the end moves a little faster than the normal speed. As I said before, give time for the ending to unfold itself and don’t rush in writing them because it will ruin the fun and spoil the time frame of the story.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 12/15 your grammar is good and in overall I can say you have a good English writing skill. But I can still spot a few mistakes here and there and even though it’s not too big but try not to take lightly of them because small things could become a much bigger mistake if you repeat it. Now, let’s see this one out…

1. Why. Why me.

(This is a question, yes? So every question needs to have question mark (?) behind it)

2. There was a way I could connect with her like I could no on else.

(You misspelled no on else. It is supposed to be no one else. Be careful with your typing.)

3. Past tense…

(You tend to repeat these mistakes throughout your story. At first, you use past tense then present then back to past tense again. I know you have flashback in your story but the mistake happen outside the flashback. So be careful next time.)

Characterization: 6/10 I’m aware that this is a one shot but you need to give space for each character to develop its role, especially the main character. You lost 4 because…

1. I was wondering what kind of character he will be. Sick, tired, sad. That’s all I could come out with. You should give more scenes that give him an opportunity to strengthen up his characteristic. Remember, this story is all about TaeMin, so his role is as much as important as the plot itself.
2. JaeMin. She’s caring, loving, a good listener, understanding, TaeMin’s fan and she died on a plane crash. But what more can I say about her? Her characteristic is too dreamy, no vivid image of a real girl. She’s like an angel with no impurities at all. But as I can see, her characteristic is much more complete than TaeMin.
3. You should really balance it up. The characteristic of a character play a significant role to the story because the plot moves around their life so. Every decision, attitude or habit of them influence the story line and makes it more interesting. Even though, this is a one shot but try to write more about them so the readers could understand more.

Originality: 9/10 I like your story, it’s really good. How creative you wrote it and how great the story goes. It’s like reading a 1st class drama and you definitely beat the 5 rated star of Romeo and Juliet story. You manipulate the theme of love in a way that is so rare and the way you write makes it even better. But you lose 1 mark because…

1. Love theme itself is overused and the story about someone’s lover dies in an accident is really common. But rather than putting it in car accident, you decided to use plane instead. The way you use the theme is very good and effective by those hard-to-die love fans but try to use a different theme for a change. Human can die in so many way but why accident? Because it’s the easiest way to die? Or it appears very tragic if she dies in a normal circumstance. Try to use poison or maybe she’s at a wrong place at a wrong time when there’s a robbery occurs, or maybe she die of overdosed. You can always say that she’s stress because of something and doesn’t want to tell TaeMin about it or some sort.

Writing style: 8/10 you never fail to impress me with your writing style but you lost 3 marks because…

1. You didn’t use big words. The ranges of vocabulary you use are narrow and not vary in type. Try to use rare words to make it better.
2. There are few scenes that you chop words where it shouldn’t be. You can combine them if you want and there’s no need to use period to separate them anyway. For example: Headache, I don't feel like moving. You can either type as: Headache and I don’t feel like moving or: Headache, I don’t feel like moving.

Overall enjoyment: 9/10 I enjoy your story, no need to point the reasons out because I think I just did in every thing I write about the story. Lolz. But don’t forget to watch out for spelling mistake because you can actually get full marks if you avoid the careless mistake.

Shattered Memories - 13nz

2009-11-27T07:38:00.000-08:00

Title : Shattered Memories
Author : 13nz
URL : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/13nz/
Reviewed by : jyyms

Title: 4/5

Your title sounds really romantic to me. But I didn't give you full marks because it only concerned to four sixth of the story. Later, it wasn't about memories.

Poster/Background: 9/10

The poster and background are a great piece of art. But the mood was a bit too happy for the story. "Shattered" seems to be really sad but the poster was moody.

Forewords: 5/5

Your forewords was meaningful and straight to the point. It was also short and had great details about the story. Good job.

Plot: 13/15

The plot of your story is quite interesting. I liked it how both Jaejoong and Hyun Ji lost their memories. It gave the story a twist and made it more interesting. But I didn't like it that it was a bit short for me. :P

Flow: 10/10

The flow is perfect. I don't see where you went too fast or too slow. Thumbs up for this one.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 10/15

I'm sad to give you 5 marks off but there were a lot of grammatical errors. Your spelling and vocabulary were great but you had tenses mixed up. For example..

Instead of saying ,"They were already dating for a month without no one knows. " it should be "They were already dating for a month without anyone knowing."

Characterization: 9/10

Yunho, Jaejoong and Hyun Ji were nicely shaped characters. But I need to know more about Junsu and the rest. If you could just add in bit by bit of details for the others, it would be great!

Originality: 8/10

The idea of how a couple gets into an accident and lost their memory is REALLY common in fan fiction. So it is not quite original. BUT, like I told you, the fact that both of them lost their memories was a great twist. I also like the way Jaejoong and Hyun Ji acted towards each other. It is different from most stories I have read.

Writing style: 9/10

Your writing style is a bit childish but I find it very cute. I loved the way you wrote your chapters. It was easy to read and I had a warm feeling while reading it.

Overall enjoyment: 10/10

Aheheh. I am a BIG DBSK fan so I always enjoy reading their fan fictions. Even though my favorite isn't Jaejoong nor Junsu, I still enjoyed the story very much. I like reading romance fan fiction and yours was a good one. I like the plot and everything. Thank you for writing this story. I finished it at one go! I was that attached! :) :)

Overall score: 87/100

Great job! Loved it.

The Perfect You - tubbyGENx3

2009-11-25T12:17:00.000-08:00

Story Title : The Perfect You

Author : tubbyGENx3

Story Link : http://winglin.net/fanfic/_bigBANGlovex3/

Reviewd by jyyms

Title: 5/5

Your title fits your story well, especially the second last chapter.

Poster/Background: 8/10

I didn't give you full marks because I think the mood of the story and the color didn't match very well. I think the color should be lighter, rather than being black since the story isn't that sad.

Forewords: 5/5

A perfect forewords, not too long and not short. The poem was interesting and a good start for the story. It tells the reader what the main character will be going through.

Plot: 13/15

The plot is very unique with an interesting love story, although I find it a bit weird that it was a Yoona and G-Dragon pairing, but that is just my opinion. I liked it how it was a simple love story but I suggest you elaborate more on the times Yoona and G-Dragon spent together. Because the relationship is a bit too sudden in my point of view. And the end is very beautiful, good job on that!

Flow: 9/10

The flow was right for most of the parts. There were just a few times where it was a bit confusing between what was happening in Seoul and the countryside G-Dragon was at.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 10/15

There were some spelling mistakes I noticed in your story. And I want to ask why you didn't put full stops at the end of your sentences in the first few chapters of the story. And I spotted several grammatical errors and here is an example.

Instead of this..

“Where’s your boyfriend gone?” I asked when I realised that he was gone

It should be..

"Where did your boyfriend go?"

Characterization: 8/10

G-Dragon is a very round character in this story. So is Yoona, but I feel that her personailty changes from time to time. Once, she is very shy and the next, she calls G-Dragon 'baby' and etc. Maybe it was how you wanted Yoona's character to be but I find it confusing on the connection between her actions and her personality.

Originality: 10/10

I would have to say that your story is very original although some of the ideas can be found in other stories. The events that happened throughout the story seems original and realistic so great job on that!

Writing style: 9/10

Your writing style was easy for me to read and not confusing for most of the time. Your writing is very poetic when it comes to the *speeches* Ji Young and Yoona gives to each other. They were very sweet but just a tiny bit cheesy.

Overall enjoyment: 6/10

I don't know if you remember me but I was one of your readers for "The Boy Whole Stole My Heart". My name was "JJ" and I finished your story in one day. It was a great one. But this, from the start, I didn't like the characters. I tried to be not biased and read this story. And I didn't like the way GD and Yoona were coupled. This is just my opinion for this story. :) I swear if it was one of DBSK, I would have enjoyed it with this kind of storyline much better.

Overall score: 83/100

Great Job dear! Hwaiting on your future stories.

Silent Heartbeat - 'Niii

2009-11-25T07:45:00.000-08:00

Title: Silent Heartbeat [one-shot] –COMPLETED-
Author: ‘Niii
Story Link: http://winglin.net/fanfic/_silent/
Reviewer: Pararae
Site: http://lostshadows.co.nr/

Title: 4/5 I like your title. It seems really interesting and I just can’t help myself to let it cut the queue and read it first. From the title, I can see that it’s a real angst and I expected a great story from a title. I guess I expected it right! There’s no capitalism problem and no spelling mistake up there too which make it look good. In overall, I can say that even if it was stacked together; title by title, like in Winglin’s case, the story is really eye-catching for those who crave for angst story and it would definitely hit the spot!

Poster/Background: 7/10 I like the poster, it’s soothing and simple. The blending is fine and the pictures arrangement is great too. I like how you centered the female and male casts’ pictures with no additional one, because sometimes, too much graphic in one poster could really be messy. The colorization is soft and splendid as the font of the title is simple yet presentable. But the font of the quote kind of off. I barely notice it the first time I look at the poster. After I finish reading the story, and look back at the poster several times, then I caught a glimpse of it. The font as if was bleached out by the back pictures so mind the opacity next time, okie.

Forewords: 4/5 the forewords are great, full with resourceful details and great summary. Just like your type of forewords, you start with a little tit bits of summary followed by the rest and end with a good author note. You never fail to impress me with your forewords writing skill and it really put the cherry on top of the vanilla ice cream to see a clean and organized intro. It’s good that you didn’t put characters’ info right under their names because it would definitely ruin the surprise and kill the curiosity of the readers. I can also spot that you miss genre and background in your forewords but don’t fidget because I think it’s unneeded. You briefly explain everything that needed to know and put out things you should keep for the last. Wholly, I think your forewords are splendid.

Plot: 13/15 I like the plot very much. The story starts when she got into an accident and goes on how she felt misfortune by losing her most treasured possession. The emotions plus actions that compliment the genre outdone itself and how you closely stick to the main point instead of dragging it, makes it less dragging and boring. You even let the readers deluded on the cliché theme as Key will fall in love with her too until the curtain call. The ending is quite eye-catchy as how simple her love could just end with no dramatic stunt. And the best part that’s really put me on a bucket of gold is when Key left her to teach his girlfriend how to play piano. At least, I know that his loyalty is attach.

Flow: 7/10 the story are quite fast. You tend to rush in finishing it. I guess because your teacher set up the limitation of words, but try to stabilize them. Give space for the ending to unfold itself perfectly and don’t waste too much space in the body and intro. Ending should be the best urging mechanism for the readers to release their breath and compliment the story, instead of rushing it to the end. So try to save an acceptable amount of space for them too. Balancing your story might be hard because not many can get a full mark but try to estimate and like my favorite unknown man said, practice makes perfect.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 13/15 I found a few mistakes here and there but mostly it is just an accidental error, but let’s take a look at this…

1) As her emotions rose, so did her notes, her playing; the piano’s sounds were not flooding the area, overflowing it with the beautiful music of the song.
(When you say not flooding the area, do you mean were now flooding the area? Because the word not seem off from the complementation phase of sentence. I’m not sure whether you purposely put it that way or you mistype it, but correct me if I’m wrong.)

2) Songyee wanted to shut her ears, close her eyes,m and just turn away from it all. Instead, she sat there, frozen in her position.
(You mistype one part of the sentence. It’s just a minor accident but try to recheck your story again to avoid the mistake. Such mistake could ruin the story sometimes.)

3) Something landed n the cover of the piano she rested her elbow upon,
(You misspelled ‘on’ in ‘landed on the cover’.)

As you can see, your mistake basically based on careless accident, so try to be careful next time and make sure you recheck the story again. You can either do it manually or spell check, but I rather prefer you to do it manually because it will enhance the proficiency of English spelling and grammatical rules. I personally think the story is great, so it really nice to see less mistakes, more result.

Characterization: 7/10 I can get the main character, she’s not too bubbly but likable, reserved yet open and very vulnerable. Her character is like old time weak girl who waits for her prince charming to come and live her up. But that’s what makes this story good, yes? Her lack of guts also made the ending possible so I guess, she deserved some credits. But Key, even though he’s a minor in this story but his characteristic is crucial. I bet that he’s caring, loving, understanding person, like any kind of worth-dying-for guy. But there’s a part of him that I want to know more. So more info on him should be of a help to make the story more realistic because if you claim they get closer well, I’m sure it’s only normal for her to know more about him, yes?

Originality: 8/10 Heartbreaking theme is kind of overused nowadays, but you managed to pay it off by making it a very interesting yet remarkable story. Most people love to end their story with happy ending and certain conclusion but the way you end the story with subtle, effective cliffhanger gives my imagination the chance to continue the story in my head. I cannot tell for certain whether Key did finally fall in love with her or not because you end it with no clue. But technically, such ending is the best!

Writing style: 8/10 your writing style is good and casual with no stressing words and awkward crack scene but you like to use small words. Not that I say it’s bad but isn’t it great to use it a little? With using complicated, rare words in sentences will enhance your ability to write at a creative and professional level. But if you think getting a dictionary and dig the words out is a trouble, try to manipulate the words to create good sentences. The building of complete sentences needs to have an input of correct clause with good amount of predicate to support the subject. And different writing style gives a different result. I simply can see that your writing style can easily polish to give out a good sentence.

Overall enjoyment: 8/10 I really enjoy your story and I love it more when it is as good as yours. The plot and story line really boost me out of my review-block mood. Just try to make less careless mistake and try to balance the story based on limitation because I can see that you can do better.

Overall score: 80/100

The First and Last One by tubbyGENx3

2009-11-14T04:06:00.001-08:00

Title: The First and Last One
Author: tubbyGENx3
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/2Shots1/
Reviewed by: hanichan32319 @ Lost Shadows

Title: 4/5
I understand that it was inspired by a song, but it’s not particularly eye-catching.

Poster/Background: 9/10
I really liked the poster, and the font color made for easy reading! I do think a sort of blue would have fit the story’s mood better: blue for melancholy…

Forewords: 5/5
Okay, I will admit: I literally started laughing at this point. For full explanation, I was the girl, ANDI!!!, that left you a comment. What I found so hilarious is explained in that comment. But other than that, the forewords were perfect. You described what was happening and who the characters were. Plus, you gave a background of their relationship, in a way. Excellent job!

Plot: 13/15
Someone contracting a disease, loved ones getting hearts broken…now where have I heard that before? Just about every drama out there. It’s either they held hands and she’s pregnant or she coughed and WHAM! She’s got cancer.

Flow: 10/10
Perfect-o! Nothing dragged. Everything flowed perfectly.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 13/15
You used excellent details, but there were a few grammar and punctuation mistakes. Clean your sentences up and watch for them darn commas!

Characterization: 8/10
Who was Naomi? Was she Mi Young’s sister, or was she her best friend? So confused!

Originality: 8/10
I did say there are a lot of stories with disease-ridden characters, but there aren’t a lot of ones that deal directly with having Alzheimer. That was a really creative touch.

Writing style: 9/10
Nothing wrong, but your sentence structures left me with, “???” There were times when you forgot the comma after dialogue, but I won’t dock you points for that. You had clear and precise writing. Good job!

Overall enjoyment: 9/10
You almost made me tear up! This was a very touching story! It really got me. I mean, I don’t know anyone with Alzheimer, but I do know a person who has a case of moderate amnesia. He can’t remember anything from before his…tenth birthday or something like that. He lives with it though, and this story totally reminded me of him. I loved reading this story!

Overall score: 88/100

** (Since you asked for it earlier) here is the link to my story, Love in Silence: www.winglin.net/fanfic/andilovesyou. That is one FREAKY coincidence. **

A wonderful Childhood by morning_glory

2009-11-11T09:20:00.000-08:00

Story Title: A wonderful Childhood
Story Author: morning_glory
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/morning_glory1/
Reviewer: Darkess

*My reviews are not meant to harm or discourage the author, but to help them fix their stories and do better in the future. The opinions expressed in this review are mine and mine alone, and are not meant to offend you*

Title: 3/5

It fits the story, but it isn't very... catchy unfortunately.

Poster/Background: 10/10

really cute! I love the brightness, and the amazing yellow. Also, the purple text was a perfect complementary contrast ^^

Forewords: /

Can't grade you on this since there... isn't really a forewords o.o

Plot: 8/15

Was super short and pretty straightforeward, but I thought that the little kid friendship turning into first love was really cute.

Flow: 10/10

It all seemed to happen in good time to me ^^

Spelling/Grammer/Vocabulary: 13/15

You have a lot of unnescessary commas in almost every sentence. Unless you're listing something or linking two sentences, you don't really need a comma. There are some exceptions, but you didn't really have too many in this story.

Characterization: 4/10

I love the character choices, but they lacked detail and you didn't really build into them that much. If they would have fallen off a cliff I don't think that any of the readers would have really cared that much. There needed to be more to their personalities.

Orginality: 6/10

What do the F and L stand for on the necklaces? First and Love? OH. (has now read the second part) but in the first part you said that they were F and L, and in the second you said L and R... which is it? either way, the other half of the necklace thing was really cute and romantic and all, but not that unique. I have seen the concept many times. Same with the meeting your old first love/ childhood friend again after many years.

Writing style: 7/10

You lack detail in many areas in your writing... besides the necklace there was relatively none. Though your writing style is easy to understand.

Overall enjoyment: 5/10

This was kind of boring to me. I didn't really see a point in it except to say that true love is forever. But besides that the whole story seemed like... idunno just seemed like a bedtime tale that no one really remembers because they're half asleep when they hear it, rather than a detailed and exciting story. I would have loved if there was more to the story, and more memorable scenes between the two.

Overall score: 63/90

Reset by Susan Lee

2009-11-10T10:22:00.000-08:00

Name: Susan Lee
Story Title : Reset
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/suxsan2/
Reviewer: changminXmc

Title: 4/5
* The title was a good choice, but in my opinion, it was too simple. I thought you could've added another word with it without just one word.

Poster/Background: 7/10
* The poster was beautiful, but it feels like its lacking something. Its lacking a feelings for me. But it was a really beautiful poster though. And the background was nice as well.

Forewords: 3/5
* I don't know....it didn't really catch my attention if I was a reader nor as a reviewer. But don't mind me, it was good. Just confusing cause I didn't some of what was happening at some sneak peeks.

Plot: 10/15
* The plot wasn't really new to me. I've seen this plot used around on winglin.

Flow: 9/10
* Your flow was good, there wasn't any rush here or there. A steady pace.

Spelling/Grammer/Vocabulary: 14/15
* You had little spelling errors, so it was no big deal. Besides that, you done great!

Characterization: 10/10
* Your casting was great! You listed who was in it, their age, name, and personality. It gives us information on who the casting are and how they are like. ^^

Orginality: 8/10
* It wasn't something new, but I did like that you didn't base it off any movies or other ideas, and changed the plot a bit. Its just that when you brought YooBin back into Suju's life, I've already read something like it so it wasn't so original anymore.

Writing style: 10/10
* Your writing style is really good! While reading it, I could understand it clearly. Keep up the good work!

Overall enjoyment: 6/10
* I did not enjoy reviewing this story or reading it. The story didn't catch my attention. It didn't make me wanting to go back and check for updates. I'm sorry if I sound harsh but I just didn't enjoy it. But you are a good writer, its just, Suju's story aren't much my type even though I like them. xD Hope you don't take it personally, and only to make you improve on your writings.
Overall score: 83/100
　
P.s.
Thats a pretty good score! Keep it up!

Accidental Love by Jian You

2009-11-10T10:20:00.000-08:00

Title: Accidental Love
Author: Jian You
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/chinyy/
Reviewed by: hanichan32319 @ Lost Shadows

Title: 3/5
It’s not particularly eye-catching, but it does stir some interest. I was kind of like, “How can love be accidental? Shouldn’t it be fate?” Yeah, I’m a dork. Leave me alone. ^^

Poster/Background: 7/10
Okay, the poster was awesome. Literally awesome. The background left me dizzy. It doesn’t even match the poster’s color schemes! It was the designer’s…fault? I don’t want to say that, but as an artist, she should have realized that those colors really just don’t work together. They clash horribly. So, it’s not your fault, but I still got to dock you.

Forewords: 5/5
It was structured the way forewords should be structured. Excellent, most excellent!

Plot: 14/15
Aww, a EunHae story! I don’t read too many of them because most are the same: they are in love, things go sour for a bit, but then they don’t, blah, blah, blah…for some reason, your story seemed different than the others. I liked how you portrayed Donghae’s conflict with his father. Maybe it was the alternate endings…and just so you know, you did make me tear up a little when Donghae died.

Complete 180: Your rated scene wasn’t as rated as I thought it was going to be. I was all pumped and all, “Yeah! Yaoi! Gotta get in the mood!” and then I read the scene, and this huge “Awwwww!” came out of my system.

Flow: 10/10
Great. Nothing wrong here. (Argh, my computer keeps wanting to put “Wong” instead of “wrong”!)

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 12/15
No one’s perfect with spelling, although I didn’t find too many mistakes in your story. What I didn’t see was a lot of attention to detail. Extend your vocabulary! Now I’m not saying to pick up a dictionary and read it, because that would be stupid and pointless. Who reads the dictionary for FUN? Just put in more vibrant imagery words instead of using the same ones over and over again.

Also, when you write rated scenes, NEVER use “cum.” Believe me. I’ve written many a love scene, and that word is a serious last resort. Why? A) it’s so childish and immature, and b) using it makes you seem like a newb. Use more mature words, such as “orgasm” or “climaxed” and the occasional “come” or “came.” The three-lettered word is used by amateurs, and sweetheart you are no amateur.

Characterization: 8/10
Eh, they weren’t really anything special, in my opinion.

Originality: 9/10
The shooting scene was definitely original. ^^ (Should I use a happy face after that?) I haven’t read its equivalent.

Writing style: 8/10
Not many people feel comfortable using present tense, but you pulled it off. I just didn’t like the switching of POVs. It didn’t confuse me; I just have this huge dislike for it. Other than that, you did a great job!

Overall enjoyment: 9/10
You made me cry. Feel special, because I hardly ever cry. I cried at some points in Chasing Taboo, I cried while reading the seventh Harry Potter book, and I cried during this story. It really touched me. You are an awesome writer, and if you ever need a review again for another of your stories, request at Lost Shadows! I’m out!

Overall score: 85/100

Autumn Memories by Star-chan

2009-11-03T08:06:00.000-08:00

Story Title: Autumn Memories
Story Author: Star-Chan
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/autumnmemories/
Reviewer: Darkess

*My reviews are not meant to harm or discourage the author, but to help them fix their stories and do better in the future. The opinions expressed in this review are mine and mine alone, and are not meant to offend you*

Title: 5/5

It fit the storyline perfectly, and I would have been able to pick it out on the winglin page. It's very unique ^^

Poster/Background: 10/10

Very cute ^^ I love how the poster kind of blends into the background, and the font against the BG isn't an eye sore ^^

Forewords: 5/5

Perfect ^^ A short teaser, a kind of title page, and the main character. very good *two thumbs up*

Plot: 12/15

SHE LIVED!!! That was an interesting twist that I haven't seen in a while. Especially because you made it sound like she was going to die. I love how she wrote a song for them and how he played it for his debut ^^ really romantic and cute. but the Beginning doesn't make sense with the rest of the story. You make it sound as if that's all they have left of the other... but she lived so... I don't really know how that ties in.

Flow: 7/10

This all seemed to happen in really good time, but I became a little confused when you went from "nothing would prepare me for what would happen the next day" to him wondering if she would remember him. Did she fall into a coma? You didn't really make that clear, so I'm just assuming. otherwise, good job with the flow ^^

Spelling/Grammer/Vocabulary: 13/15

It's smooth texture, shining black coat of paint. (forewards)

Its (also, this is a fragment of a sentence so it isn't complete. there isn't a subject >.<)

The first time I met you, was by the river, wasn't it?

You don't need a comma after you

Though bearing a burden, a burden that could never be released, you smiled; and it'd make up anyone's day.

improper use of a semicolon, you could either use just a comma, or you could take out the 'and' after the semicolon

Worried that I had came too late

Worried that I had come too late

I would only smile, thinking of you, and telling them that it was a gift

I would only smile, thinking of you, and tell them that it was a gift or I would only smile, thinking of you and telling them that it was a gift.

Characterization: 6/10

There could have been more here, to both their personalities and their appearance.

Orginality: 6/10

Eh cancer is not a unique catagory on winglin or in dramas. Actually I think it's the most used thing o.o But besides that, I think that the music thing was cute, but I've seen it before >.<

Writing style: 8/10

You have really descriptive writing which I loved, but I think that you could have put a little bit more into the characters and their personalities. It makes the story more sad in the long run, or more happy that she lived.

Overall enjoyment: 7/10

I did enjoy this story line, but I didn't really feel emotional afterwards. It was an excellently written story, but I wish there would have been more too it. Maybe a little bit longer, a few more details, building on the characters a little bit more...

Overall score: 79/100

A Typical Day by nikki

2009-11-01T09:52:00.000-08:00

Name: nikki
Story Title : A Typical Day
Story URL: http://winglin.net/fanfic/typicalday/
Reviewer: DarkAngel

Title: 3/5

-The story went along with the story for now, since the story is so short that I can’t really judge it. But when I first looked at it, I thought it was going to be another story that was regular and nothing really unique or special.

Poster/Background: 7/10

-First of all, I think that the background is too boring. Even though it fits with the poster, I don’t think that it fits with the story. Second, so far (story is really, really short) I think that the poster doesn’t even fit the story. Third, it looks like there’s too many things mashed up. The colors are beautiful, but I think that there’s too much in it. Four, I don’t think that the story will turn out like the poster.

Forewords: 0/5

-I’m sorry, but the foreword told us NOTHING. It didn’t say anything about the plot, the characters, or even what it was about. The only thing that it told us was that the author would be revealed later on, but that’s not very interesting to me.

Plot: 6/15

-Well, there’s only 1 chapter so far, and there’s supposed to be at least 4 to be reviewed, so I’m going to have to give you a low grade for this. The only thing that I liked about the story was that it was very detailed. That is probably the only thing that was good. I’m sorry, but I can’t give you that much points. Also, ‘Typical Day’ isn’t really interesting to me, so I predict that it will just be a normal day. Although, the first chapter was kind of eye-catching. Maybe something will change once the story progresses on.

Flow: 8/10

-I can’t tell much from the story, but so far, the flow is pretty good. But for what I know, it could change later on.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 15/15

-This is the category that you major in. You use huge words that I don’t understand (some of them), which is a very good thing. It teaches the reader some interesting words. Also, I haven’t spotted a spelling error or a grammar mistake, so this is great!

Characterization: 8/10

-I’m sorry, but I don’t really know the character that much to judge her, but it seems like she’s the person that looks like she usually forgets stuff and has a clumsy personality.

Originality: 6/10

-Like I said, I’m going to have to judge only the first chapter and the title for this one. I don’t really know what to write, so I can’t reduce that much points but neither give you a high mark.

Writing style: 8/10

-The problem that I have with your story is that I think there should be more paragraphs because one; they are easier to read. Two, it looks more professional. If there are huge paragraphs, I don’t think that it will be that great. And third, it’s better and it puts less strain on the eye because since there is a bunch of sentence, the human eye has to catch up. Sorry if it doesn’t sound correct, but that’s just my opinion.

Overall enjoyment: 8/10

-I think that the story was pretty okay. The only thing that made this so difficult was that the story was so short ! Please, next time- write one that’s longer.

Overall score: 69/100

Well, I think it’s a 69. I hope this doesn’t offend you in any way. I am just doing my job as a reviewer.

Always and Forever by Annie

2009-10-30T14:22:00.000-07:00

Name: Annie
Story Title : Always and Forever
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/UnknownUserA5
Reviewer: Doesn\'t matter

Title: 5/5

-Nice title; I like it. When I first saw the title, I thought it would be kind of a sad story, or maybe one that has angst in it, but I was totally off. I think the title fits with the story.

Poster/Background: 6/10

-There was no poster, so I can’t really give points for that. Also, the font slightly blended in with the background since they were both pink, so I had to highlight most of it because it made my eyes hurt trying to read it.

Forewords: 2/5

-The foreword barely told us what the collection was about. The only thing that we knew from it was it was going to be a one-shot collection of Super Junior members. You also told us it was fluff, but what if we wanted to know more about it? You could have told a little about the characters that are going to be involved because your collection was mostly about Donghae and Eunhyuk and they seem to have the same personalities over and over again.

Plot: 12/15

-Since this is a one-shot collection, it’s hard for me to count the points since I’m a rookie at reviewing, but the plot for the stories were funny. It was also entertaining to read, but some parts, you lost me there! It was like a rollercoaster: it had its ups and downs. In other words, it means that some parts, it turned good and sometimes it turned boring. In my point of view, I think it turned boring because the plot was predictable.

Flow: 10/10

-I thought that the flow was perfect. It wasn’t too fast or slow; it was just right.

Spelling/Grammer/Vocabulary: 13/15

-I found a few minor errors in your story, but it didn’t affect the story in any way like misunderstandings. I also think you could have used bigger vocabulary in your story. It would have made the story slightly more interesting and professional.

Characterization: 9/10

-I could understand the characters well, but I wished that since it was a collection of one-shots, the personalities would be different, but it’s not! Also, you could have used different couples, but you didn’t. I guess you like Eunhyuk and Donghae the best.

Orginality: 8/10

-Like I said, the story was predictable at times. Some were really creative while some were pretty dull. I’ve seen stories related to your one-shots before, but I would have expected some kind of twist to make the one-shots more interesting.

Writing style: 10/10

-I had no problem with your writing style. I liked it when you used “you” and “he” when you were referring to Donghae. I haven’t seen much stories that use those words before, but I like it.

Overall enjoyment: 8/10

-It was nice, but like I said, it gets boring at times. Good effort though.

Overall score: 83/100

Momentum by BoBoLi0us

2009-10-26T02:09:00.001-07:00

Title: Momentum

Author: BoBoLi0us

Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/Recollection02/

Reviewed by RyoMaXMaSuke @ lostshadows.co.nr

Note: Sorry for the lateness, I just took my exams my sister forced me not to use the computer for a week. T-T

Title: 4/5

- Very catchy title. I can see the relation of it with the story but the story doesn’t really explain the title wholly.

Poster/Background: 8/10

- The appearance of the story really went well with the theme and it gave the readers an idea of what the story would be like. But I think the poster could use a little more light, seeing that the momentum lasted longer than we expected.. It was also hard seeing the text in the poster, but all in all, I think the poster is beautiful.

Forewords: 4/5

- I really like the forewords and how it started because of how you wrote it, but it was a little uninteresting. And I think a little more insight or information about Jaebom would be nice, since it is one of those “You” fictions.

Plot: 1o/15

- Common and sort of overused plot. But the twists you placed in parts of the story was splendid, it made it more original.

Flow: 7/10

- For a side story, the flow was incredibly fine. But there were times when I get confused on what was happening.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 13/15

- I spotted some grammar mistakes wherein, you would mix up ‘present tense’ and ‘past tense’. Your spelling was a little off. I’ve seen spelling mistakes and you commit them on the same word.

Characterization: 7/10

- The characters were somehow not shown that well. But their personalities popped out in the story and made the story very interesting. Although, I think there is something missing in their personalities.

Originality: 13/10

- The storyline was like any other fanfic but with your writing style, it was somehow also very different from other fanfics.

Writing style: 7/10

- You have a very interesting writing style. But I think you need to be more descriptive of the surroundings and other things so that the story is vivid on each reader’s mind. Writing in first person really went well with the fanfiction for it was one of the “you” fics.

Overall enjoyment: 7/10

- I don’t know really know if I did. But it was very heartwarming to read and interesting. And

Overall score: 80/100

Lost Shadows: Reviews

Of Cotton Candy And Confetti Eggs.

Love Wanting Losing

Our Little Secret by shineeninja

My Fat Husband Became An Idol by Jinkitor

Letting Go by `shinee

And You Thought One Lie Couldn't Hurt by Susan Lee

Jagiya, I love you by estee

For A Moment by Ryeona Park

Need You Now by hellome

It was you all along by iheartsj01

The Love Bus by kanhosa301

Do you love me or my twin sister? by **princess**

My own rose by rekan

It’s Not As Cool As It Seems by Asian_Innocence

5 Sexy Guys Loves 1 Ugly Me?! by Airah

Eye of Raven by Pararae

When Two Different Worlds Collide by arlean19

Trust by ava_lava

Things Chansung Hates by Jtoasn

The Edge of Sanity by Jian You

Rather by RAINxclouds

Apple and Cinnamon by Darkess

Tik Tok [CCM Challenge] - tubbyGENx3

An Eye through My Heart, for the Sight of You by Phoebe a.k.a Phebs

The Shooting Star by eternalflower

Come Back To Me by grpstrwbrry15

Raisonnement, Confiance and Fric - Pararae

But No R - Susan Lee

It was the ticking - Jtoasn

My Husband Bought me at A Auction - MrsJaejoong

Time forgets

Love in School by lovely_smile

Raindrops by Ana

Momento of Ours by Susan Lee

My Love... My Enemy... by phantom knight

Painful Truth by Twirlpop

Recollections (Two shot) by still_doll_15

Every Child’s Fear by Darkess

One in a Million by jwyl

Eye of Raven by Pararae

Painted Emotions [ Complete A.M Challenge ) by ` hottest s h i n e e vip

My Doll Prince by WonderBinnie

A Friend’s Confession by geesoo

A Fangirl's Letter by geesoo

stop think..is it really love that we feel?? by kanhosa301

Wanderer by RAINxclouds

What Are You? by Love_Joongie

It Was You by Ronix^^

18 Roses (Diary Entries) by raindrop_symphony

Pair Of Hands by brightside

Pair Of Hands by brightside

behind my wall by yunjaeforever

Sunset Under The Stars by jyyms

Meant To Be... by BigBangLoverr

From Zero To Hero by Vi3tjcn

A Night In Tokyo (R) - FrenchSha

Playing With My Heart by ShadowYin

We’re Just Friends by Babbykrazi4u

Like a Mockingbird by BoBoLi0us

JiYong’s Bloodlust by Comatose Bunny

Within 8 Hours by baboracoon

Key To His Heart(One-Shot) by miia186

Fragments by Maia

I fell in love w/ my own brother by Khimme

Could Have Been The One - kibbit

xp e r f e c t by EMI

Under the stars by Miki_Lee

My Last Request - _niXiah

The Teacher - Pretty Bitch

Because i know - 'Niii

Shattered Memories - 13nz

The Perfect You - tubbyGENx3

Silent Heartbeat - 'Niii

The First and Last One by tubbyGENx3

A wonderful Childhood by morning_glory

Reset by Susan Lee

Accidental Love by Jian You

Autumn Memories by Star-chan

A Typical Day by nikki

Do you love me or my twin sister? by princess