Of Cotton Candy And Confetti Eggs.

Title: Of Cotton Candy and Confetti Eggs.
Author: aznchika.
Reviewer: Shweta@lostshadows.co.nr

Title: 4.5/5.
- 'Of Cotton Candy And Confetti Eggs' is an unusual and very promising title. The title does help your story in terms of what to expect because after I read that I was sure it'd be a funny story. This kind of title is used very little though not only in the Internet Fanfic writing world but in the huge writing world out there. If people would use it, it'd be more as a chapter name than a story name. And you must be wondering why I cut that point five? Well I didn't want to really but I thought it'd be a reminder for you for the rest of your stories in the future. Every title must have every first letter of every word in upper case letters. It should be 'Of Cotton Candy And Confetti Eggs' and not 'Of Cotton Candy and Confetti Eggs'.

Poster/Background: N/A
-  I really think this short story deserves a nice little cute cover, and you should get one.

Forewords: 3/5.
- A really well organized and neat foreword. Simple and basic and it had everything a foreword should have, so much so that I felt if you didn't have this or that it would actually have been better. Since it's a one shot I was surprised you had a character description, because after you read that it feels repetitive once you have it in your story too. Although having the prologue after the Characters part would be the right order.

Your prologue seemed more like a summary than a real prologue. A prologue is what happens before the real story starts. Like for example the prologue for this story, although not needed, would be about Yunho's point of view on Jaejoong, how he talks about him and his crush on him, and how he's hiding it, or about them going together to the fair. Basically it's about what happens before the story starts and an epilogue is about what happens after the story ends, for example where the characters are now, etc. Therefore what you have in your forewords would be a summary and not a prologue.

Plot: 15/15.
- It was a fun story and really cute and also funny, and the plot reflected that. It was about a normal day in a teenager's life. (Less than half a day, actually). And about a little prank gone wrong benefiting the lead and letting his relationship with his crush take another step towards being made. I am glad you kept it simple, and I really think you're cut out for writing short stories at least. A very simple and basic story, which you brought to life with your characters and your writing. Good job.

Flow: 10/10.
- I think it went smoothly, the flow was perfect, the mood was right and not once did I get distracted. Sure it's a one shot, but sometimes the flow and the story could distract a girl to such an extent that reading ten lines would take three days. Your writing is very good, and you really did a wonderful job, so much so that I don't want to minus a single point from any category. I really did crave for some more, and am glad you requested from our site.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 14/15.
- I did try to find some mistakes, spelling and grammar, and found just one passable mistake. The rest depend on the author's writing style so I wouldn't call them mistakes.

Jae couldn’t help but snickered - Jae couldn't help but snicker.

I'm not sure if this mistake was unintentional, but if it wasn't, then I hope this correction helps so you wont repeat it for similar sentences, in sentences like this where you talk about what the person is doing, though the words in the sentences might be in the past tense, but the verb would be in the present tense. And if it was unintentional then the way to avoid this one mistake itself would be by rechecking the story before submitting or having a friend, family member, or a beta reader check it for you. Also, keep an eye on the green or red lines that appear on MS Word, and right click and check the suggestions they give which would sometimes help too.

Characterization: 10/10.
- For a one shot, the characters seemed really lively and familiar. They were cute and friendly characters and really helped improve the story. The words you used and their tones and languages for when they spoke, made them come alive, and it didn't really matter if they were a secondary character or the main lead. You really do have a gift for writing.

Originality: 10/10.
- The theme might be borrowed, where the girl has a crush on the guy and a little accident helps them, but this one seemed different considering the story was about a guy who likes a guy, and it seemed normal to everyone around them which helped keep the mood light and didn't pull away from the main focus, the confetti eggs. Normally these are just a few incidents in a long story, and the end to the start the story was very unique.

Writing style: 9/10.
- As I must have mentioned twice before, you have a real gift for writing and should keep writing so you can improve and venture out into more genres. Although your style seems to fit perfectly for subtle humor and light-hearted romantic stories. Your language was good, although at some parts you used words that seemed out of place, for example...

Once the two received their cotton candy - Normally someone would say 'got' rather than 'received' and it seems sort of serious, I don't know if I can explain it but the word 'received' seems out of place for such a situation since it seems like someone is gifting that to them. 'Bought' or 'got' and maybe even 'collected' would seem a better choice.

Overall enjoyment: 10/10.
- Really loved and enjoyed your story. It had the right amount of romance and comedy for a short romantic story. It didn't matter if it was YAOI or a regular story either.

Overall score: 85/90.

Love Wanting Losing

Title - Love Wanting Losing
URL - http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/11267/loving-wanting-losing-oneshot
Reviewer - Darkess @ lostshadows.co.nr


Title: 5/5

Poster/Background:
N/A

Forewords: 2/5

The scenery description was beautifully written, but you did not foreshadow anything that was in your story. Although I believe the writing itself could draw readers in, it would also be a good idea to try and incorporate a little bit of what your story is about or introduce some of the characters in your forewords to captivate your reader and make them want to read more before the story even begins.

Plot: 15/15

I loved the twist of the typical story at the end. Most stories have the confessions right before the marriage, but you chose to break readers hearts and have the realization that they are in love after he gets married. Brilliant. The whole story was absolutely stunning. I loved that they shouted their confessions on that day at the train station so that she didn't hear his. Their love was beautiful and plain to see. The storyline was well written and easy to follow.

Flow: 10/10

Your story flowed well. I love how you showed some of their college days and some of their little kid times before you finished it off with the wedding. The timing was very easy to follow, and I really appreciated that.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 14/15

You switch from past to present tense in the fourth paragraph of the story. It isn't something to worry about, but try to keep your story in one tense throughout.

you do it again in the line
I’d look forward to the following morning when I’d see you through the corridors, or the next night when classes are through and we would be on the field again.
in the fifteenth paragraph. do you see how in one sentence you switch from 'are through' to 'we would be' ? 'Are' should be 'were'

crying, without anyone to talk to. *paragraph 16*
No comma is necessary since the clause beginning with 'without' is the second half of the sentence

These were really the only things I found. Just watch for tenses and you'll be fine ;D

Characterization: 6/10

There could have been a lot more here. We barely know their personality or their looks from this two shot, and I wish we would know more about this beautiful couple. I understand that it's hard to fit things in in a two shot, but overall you did do a really good job. You made the characters relatable and you made them feel really bad for them in the end.

Originality: 7/10

I thought that the best friends falling in love was a little overused as was their parents being best friends. I loved the twist in the typical plot, as I stated before, and I believe that that was pretty unique.

Writing style: 10/10
Your writing is easy to follow. You are able to successfully weave all of your descriptive sentences into the storyline without making the story boring with your commentaruies. I wish there would have been a little more to the characters and the settings, but overall you did an amazing job. It is always nice to review a story where the author is actually fluent in the English language. Your sentence structure had the perfect deviations.

Overall enjoyment: 10/10

Let me just say that putting the music box at the bottom so that it started playing just as you read that section of the story was pure brilliance. Very creative, very original. The song fit perfectly as well and really added to the overall affect of the story. I love this two shot. You had me tearing up at the end.
Brilliant is the only word I can use to describe your story.

Overall score: 79/90

Our Little Secret by shineeninja

Author: shineeninja
Story Title: Our Little Secret
Story URL: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/21570/our-little-secret-angst-minho-onew-shinee-smut-taemin-you/18
Reviewer: `MiCKEY| lostshadows.co.nr

Title: 4/5
-The title isn’t something very eye-catching nor exciting, but it made a bit curious of what the secret was. It’s a story name I see often so it wasn’t something new.

Poster/Background: 5/10
-Although you didn’t have a background or poster, I liked how you had some pictures on some of the chapters. But the reason why it’s low is because not every chapter had a picture, but I guess it would be hard to find pictures that are related to the chapters. But nether less, it was a good idea to have some pictures.

Forewords: 5/5
-I really liked the foreword you gave. It didn’t give out too much; just the amount of information I needed to know. It was a bit confusing to be reading this in second person POV because I had to continuously keep reading it over and over again but I managed. The description was short, but had many ideas to what the story was going to be about.

Plot: 12/15
-This isn’t a kind of story I would read a lot. It wasn’t really cliché but it seemed rather bland in the beginning. I didn’t get that feeling of wanting to continue reading the story. Although the story hasn’t finished yet, it’s one of those stories where you don’t know the ending to. You don’t really add twists or anything, so it makes it straightforward. I don’t usually read stories that have rated scenes, but that’s because I didn’t know it would have. It is something new, but for now, it’s not as interesting as it could be. I feel like I keep reading the same thing over and over though. Like each chapter reminds me of the chapter before. You do leave a lot of cliffhangers at the end and those are something I absolutely love because that’s what makes me want to continue reading.

Flow: 9/10
-The flow seems to be going fast, but at the same time, slow. While I was reading, I felt like the chapters were going super fast, but because each chapter reminds me of each other, it felt slow. I don’t know if you get what I’m saying.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 10/15
-As I was reading, I did spot some spelling/grammar errors but the vocabulary overall is perfect!
You seem to add a lot of commas but instead you can just make a compound sentences.
For example:
what you wrote - You scutter around his room, checking to see if you've gathered everything, then realized that the bottom of your body felt bare. You couldn't find your skirt.
My version (this is just a suggestion) – You scurry around his room, checking to see if you’ve gathered everything but then realizing that the bottom of your body felt quite bare. You couldn’t seem to find your skirt.

Characterization: 10/10
-A lot of the characterization was mentioned in the forward but I was able to understand more of their characters throughout the story. For example: how Minho goes from playboy to a sweet boy, or at least tries to. I was able to convey all of their feelings by just reading how they felt and their thoughts.

Originality: 8/10
-The conflict of this story is very cliché. How two partners have sex and then the girl ends up getting pregnant and doesn’t know what to do. But this was my first time reading a story of how the girl is pretty much ‘forced’ to have sex with him and how she obeys everything he says. But the way this story is portrayed seems very unique to me.

Writing style: 10/10
-I absolutely love your writing style. It’s the type of writing I love to read. I like how you make the dialogue easy to read and how the paragraphs are not all stuck together. You made sure to separate the paragraphs apart, to not make it seem like one big blob.

Overall enjoyment: 9/10
-So far, it seems very interesting and I can’t wait to finish the rest of your story. It is a story I’ll continue reading so continue to update!

Overall score: 82/100

My Fat Husband Became An Idol by Jinkitor

Author: Jinkitor
Story Title: My Fat Husband Became An Idol
Story URL: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/15099/my-fat-husband-became-an-idol-jonghyun-korean-minho-onew
Reviewer: ShadowYin | lostshadows.co.nr

Title: 5/5

Straight forward, related, simply and to the point. I think it should be 'an Idol' instead of 'An Idol', but I'm not feeling that mean today, so I didn't take any marks off that. Full marks.

Poster/Background: 7/10

Good use of pictures and colours.

Forewords: 3.5/5

[You didn’t have a foreword, so this is marked on your description]

The best thing about your description is that it’s short and pleasant. However, what’s pulling your mark down here is your use of short, snappy sentences, and it creates a dull effect. The description was nice, but it didn’t flow very well as you were listing and this could easily bore the reader. Your mark here is also pulled down but your lack of spacing between some words.

Yet, your last two sentences created the greatest impact.

‘He came back for revenge. What will happen to these love birds?’

It was short and to the point, and your rhetorical question really causes the readers to think, wondering what would happen next. Brilliant.

Plot: 14.5/15

Amazing plot is all I have to say. Very original and not the ordinary love story you normally find.

Flow: 6/10

At some points, it felt so fast. For example: when Jonghyun first met Jihye after his debut. At that point I feel that a lot of things could’ve been elaborated. Such as Onew’s emotions when he saw Jonghyun. When Jonghyun kissed the girl, what did Jihye feel?

At some point, it even felt scripted.

Example of what you wrote:

 Jihye ah , wae? " Onew concerned , with food in his mouth.

" Oh? Aniya. " I smiled.

Then I continued frying.

I walked out with a plate of 10 chickens in my hands.

I understand that she was angry and that this was written from her point of view, but I do believe this section could’ve been elaborated.

My suggestion (this is just an example of how it could’ve been elaborated; you probably wouldn’t want this kind of wording):

 “Jihye ah , wae? " Onew asked with concern whilst munching the food in his mouth.

"Oh? Aniya,” I smiled innocently so he wouldn’t be troubled by my emotions.

I continued frying with anger and distress, wondering what Jonghyun was planning. Once I was finished, I walked out with a plate of 10 chickens in my hands.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 10/15

Throughout your fiction, I’ve found that you had a lot of spacing errors.

Example: [What you wrote – My version]

I know I'm young , but who cares? - I know I'm young, but who cares?

Well,I'm not shabby either. - Well, I'm not shabby either.

Grammar errors:

You wrote:

He have got the jawline that makes you scream

My version:

He has got the jawline that makes you scream (I think it’s ‘jaw line’, but I’m not too sure)

You wrote:

" Do you think that he've got somekind of disease or something?

My version:

"Do you think he has some kind of disease or something?”

You wrote:

" YAH KIMJONGHYUN. YOU HAVEN PAY. "   (Okies, I know Jihye was angry at this point, but grammar is still important.)

My version:

"YAH KIM JONGHYUN, YOU HAVEN’T PAID.”

Spelling:

Spreaded – there’s no such word

Common and meet me alright? – Common means ordinary, I think you mean ‘come on’
She've – I don’t think this is correct. I think it should be:  ‘She’s got a boyfriend already’

Advice: Proof read.

Characterization: 8/10

At the beginning, your characterisation was good until it came to where she was considering the divorce. She talks a lot to her friend about her feeling, but it would be interesting to read a short description of her true personal feelings of the time.

A lot of emotions were portrayed through dialogue; it would be nice to read descriptions about their feelings every now and again.

Characters were believable most of the time, so that’s brilliant. But the fact that this story is based around idols made it less convincing. Minho and Jino stalking Jihye, where’s the paparazzi? Surly someone would want to sell the news of the idols to the paparazzi.

Originality: 10/10                                   

The conflict isn’t very original, as this often occurs between couples, yet you portrayed it in your style which made it very fun to read.

Writing style: 7/10

I love the way you always ended your chapters with a sort of cliff-hanger, it’s really effective and makes the readers want to read on.

What I strongly recommend is more descriptions to balance out the dialogue.  To me, there are still a lot of dialogues even though I noticed you did try to use some description here and there. What I’m trying to say is there’s not enough balance between the two in order to bring out the full potential of your story.

Overall enjoyment: 8/10

I actually enjoyed reading your story, even though it wasn’t the type of story I’d normally read. It was simple, fun, interesting and original. Hwaiting! (If I wasn’t marking you on your English, this score will be higher.)

Overall score: 79/100

I hope this helps :)

Letting Go by `shinee

Author: `shinee
Story Title: Letting Go
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/SHINeeO1
Reviewer: DarkAngel | lostshadows.co.nr

Title: 5/5

-Just by looking at the title you can judge it's going to be an angst story! It goes along with the story and tells a lot.


Poster/Background: 10/10

-Beautiful poster and beautiful background! It gives off a relaxing vibe. I love it! The poster is so neatly designed, and the colors blend in together really well! It looks peaceful, yet sad at the same time. Reading the text is easy too. Full points!


Forewords: 5/5

-Nice preview! It got me interested and into the mellow mode already. It looks about the right length- not too long and not too short.


Plot: 15/15

-Usually, I wouldn't be reading stories like this. I would just stick to happy or suspenseful ones. This got me interested in the angst genre. I haven't seen an angst fanfic like this before. The plot is slightly different from others. It made me cry while reading it, and I love the song. It's also a nice way to express the feeling and emotions.


Flow: 10/10

-It had a nice flow to it. The pace wasn't too fast, nor too slow. It was just right! The flashback fitted in perfectly.


Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 15/15

-I didn't spot any spelling or grammar errors. Your vocabulary was broad enough. You sure do a good job at editing! Either that, or you don't make mistakes when typing.


Characterization: 9/10

-Like I said earlier, you showed the characters' emotions well. Music is a great way to express one's feelings. It's also very popular. However, I was kind of hoping for a different point of view.


Originality: 10/10

-It's as original as it can get. It isn't a complete copy of other plots because you changed things up a bit. How much more different can it get?


Writing style: 9/10

-I don't really like reading huge paragraphs. It looks kind of messy and unorganized, but it's fine. Other than that, the format looks neat enough.


Overall enjoyment: 9/10

-It was pretty good, I admit, but there's something I wished that could have been added. I don't know exactly what it is, but I just have this strange feeling!


Overall score: 97/100

*This is one of the highest scores I have ever given. Be grateful XD LOL Just kidding

And You Thought One Lie Couldn't Hurt by Susan Lee

Author: Susan Lee
Story Title: And You Thought One Lie Couldn't Hurt
Story URL: http://www.2oneday.com/forum/index.php?showtopic=21137
Reviewer: DarkAngel | lostshadows.co.nr

*Even though it shows up as complete, I can only read up to chapter 14. Did you delete it, because I can’t access it.


Title: 5/5

-The title was interesting. It caught my eye, and I could tell that it wasn’t going to be one of those “happy” stories. It’s a little long for my liking, but it suits the story well.


Poster/Background: 7/10

-The poster looks really nice! There’s a sad touch to it. The blends of colors really mix together good, and the character pictures just top it off. The text is nice and easy to read too. Because there is no background, I have to deduct some points off.


Forewords: 4/5

-That was a very nice preview! It was really sad, and it put me in one of those ‘moods’ as they call it. You introduced us to Yoobin’s personality and thoughts, so kudos for that, but I think that you could have added an introduction of the other characters. Other than that, it was good!


Plot: 15/15

-It’s really good so far! You keep adding twists, and keep the audience wanting more! I barely know what’s going to happen since you always add different things! It’s always interesting, and I can’t tear my eyes off for one second :) It’s exciting and suspenseful to know what’s going to happen next.


Flow: 10/10

-The flow was good. It wasn’t too fast, nor was it too slow. From the beginning, to the end, the events all flow together well. Nothing seems out of place. Each event is important to the story as it progresses.


Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 14/15

-I only spotted one or two mistakes. You either check over your writing, or don’t make many mistakes. Kudos for that!


Characterization: 10/10

-As the story went on, I found myself liking the characters- even Jessica! The way Yoobin began to change was smooth, along with the other main characters. Taecyeon likes her again, but Jay is the only one that I’m sad about. It’s interesting to see how they react to the upcoming events. Unlike many other fanfiction stories, the plot isn’t realistic. This, however, can be imagined in real life.


Originality: 9/10

-The rivalry and blackmailing is seen often, but the others are unique. I would have never guessed how Jay figured out that Yoobin really didn’t slap Jessica. Keep it up, and your readers will be rooting for more!


Writing style: 10/10

-I really don’t have a problem with your writing style! You write complete sentences, and create full paragraphs. The spacing is fine, and the format looks neat and clean!


Overall enjoyment: 10/10

-I really enjoyed every minute of it! It was interesting to read, and I wish I can read more! Full points for ‘overall enjoyment’!


Overall score: 94/100

Jagiya, I love you by estee

Author: estee
Story Title: Jagiya, I love you
Story URL: winglin.net/fanfic/estee6
Reviewer: DarkAngel | lostshadows.co.nr

Title: 3/5
-It's not very creative or eye-catching, but you can tell it's going to be a sweet story. The length is fine- not too long and not too short. Plus, it fits the story!

Poster/Background: 8/10
-It's cute, but kind of plain. The background is okay, I guess. I thought you could have done something more with the poster. It looks kind of boring, but at the same time, it's cute.

Forewords: 2/5
-There isn't much information and it seems short. You could have included a small description of the characters featured in your story, or written a small summary about it to let the readers see what it's about. On the bright side, I think it looks neat. I never would have thought of the main girl's name to be just a scrambled mix up of Xiah.

Plot: 14/15
-I love it! It was so sweet! Normally, I don't read these kind of stories and this is the first, but it's so good! The way they show affection for each other is so cute, and it's realistic unlike some other events that are usually mentioned . I love the way Xiah and Ahxi seem so happy and sweet together. I was smiling the whole way, and almost cried when he proposed to her.

Flow: 10/10
-Full points! The flow was perfect. It wasn't slow, nor was it fast. The flashback was a great touch.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 15/15
-I didn't see any mistakes. I don't know if it was because of my bad eye sight, or it was because you didn't make any, but I didn't see any. There weren't repeats of the same words again, and it was smooth. Your vocabulary is fine too.

Characterization: 10/10
-I could see the way they love each other very much, and it was so heartwarming! You explained them very well. Xiah and Ahxi really do go together well. It's nice to see a happy couple such as them.

Originality: 10/10
-I've never actually read a oneshot like this before. When I read one, it's usually about someone having a disease and death, but this was the complete opposite. It had a peppy atmosphere, and the date was nice. The proposal was sweet, and the characters were loving. Nice work.

Writing style: 10/10
-I really don't have a problem with you writing style. It looks professional and neat. Your spacing is fine, and you write complete sentences. Good job!

Overall enjoyment: 10/10
-I love it so much! I'm still smiling because of it :) It's just so heartwarming! I wish it happened to me, which is kind of strange to hear from a kid. Anyways, it's just lovely, and I hope you write another one. Fighting~!

Overall score: 92/100

For A Moment by Ryeona Park

Title: For A Moment
Author: Ryeona Park
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/PRNmoment
Reviewed by: Dark Angel @ Lost Shadows

Title: 5/5

-At first glance, your title captured my attention. It was interesting, and just those three words told a lot about the story. Good choice for a title.

Poster/Background: 9/10

-The poster is great, I can tell you that. The only change I'd make to it is the font. It's hard to read, but other than that it looks fantastic! The background matches with the story, and the blue clashes well. It's a nice, sad blend of colors to go along with a great story.

Forewords: 4/5

-That was a nice preview, but it didn't tell us much about the characters' personalities. I also thought you could have added more to the forewords. It looked too short. Besides the poster credits and summary, there wasn't anything else. A little introduction of the characters would probably help the reader understand them before reading in order to get a better understanding.

Plot: 14/15

-It's a sad, sweet story. The plot is nice, and the angels are a nice touch. I know this story line has been used many times before, but there's just a special touch to this one. It's really nice, and touching at the same time. I loved the ending!

Flow: 10/10

-The flow is perfect for me! The story was at a good pace- not too fast and not too slow. Nice job!

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 13/15

-There were places where you added a comma in the wrong place and vice versa. I didn't spot any spelling errors, and your vocabulary was great! There were no repeats except for "The Third Angel", "The First Angel" and so and so. Other than that, there wasn't much of a grammatical problem here.

Characterization: 8/10
-I honestly could have though you should include more of their past and feelings. SeoHyun wasn't exactly described as well. The simple details were featured, which is good. I just thought you could be more deep with their emotions.

Originality: 8/10

-The Dimension of Miracles was creative, I can tell you that. You don't see that around nowadays. The sickness, however, is often mentioned in stories. It's because of a disease that the two main characters get close in a sad one-shot. I really liked the fake world and angels though!

Writing style: 8/10

-Your paragraphs were too big, in my opinion. If you shorten it, it will look more professional and neat. It may be because I like reading short paragraphs than longer ones, but it looks better. It's easier to read. Other than that, there was nothing wrong with your one-shot!

Overall enjoyment: 8/10
-Like I said before, the long paragraphs were a little irritating for me to look at. That took my interest away slightly.

Overall score: 87/100

Need You Now by hellome

Author: hellome

Story Title: Need You Now

Story URL: http://winglin.net/fanfic/needyounow

Reviewer: mg6991 | lostshadows.co.nr

Title: 3/5

-Your title was nice but it looks like it’s a common title to me, no offense.

Poster/Background: 9/10

-I LOVE YOUR POSTER. :D

Forewords: 2/5

-Even though it’s a one-shot and your characters are fictional, you should still put on a summary of your story. Your forewords section looks so blank and it shouldn’t be like that. That section gives you an opportunity to introduce your characters and your story well even if your story is a one-shot, a short story or whatever.

Plot: 12/15

-I kind of understand your plot at first but in my opinion, it’s kind of hard to understand. A one-shot is supposed to be like a summary of the whole story. But it looks like you just cutted out some parts of your whole story.

Flow: 8/10

-Your flow was awesome actually. But you just have to sometimes explain some scenes a bit more.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 15/15

-I salute you for your perfect grammar. I sometimes can’t even think words like that.

Characterization: 7/10

-In my opinion, it would have been much better if you gave names to your characters. It gives off a feeling that there’s something missing.

Originality: 10/10

- It’s my first time reading a story like yours. Nice one!

Writing style: 10/10

- I adore how you write. Your writing style is one of the bests that I have seen.

Overall enjoyment: 8/10

Overall score: 84/100

-In my opinion, your writing style is best suited for short stories. But nevertheless, keep up the great work!

It was you all along by iheartsj01

Author: iheartsj01
Story Name: It was you all along
Story URL: http://winglin.net/fanfic/iheartsj01/
Reviewer: myangelteuk/Airah

Title: 2.5/5
The title really isn’t eye catching but fits your story well. Also, capitalize you title like this, ‘It Was You All Along’.

Poster/Background: 10/10
At first I was wondering why Kyuhyun and Yoona was there but then in the story, it explains that Yoona is Leeteuk’s girlfriend (in the beginning) and Kyuhyun is the guy she fell in love with at first sight.

Forewords: 5/5
You got everything that is needed. But also, add at least an bit of information about the characters so we would know what to expect. Or just say that you can’t reveal anything about them yet.

Plot: 15/15
I really like the plot. Same as others but you add your own twists into it.

Flow: 10/10
Nice and steady. Neither fast or slow.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 8/15
I know it’s a low score but you do have to understand. You said in the extras that you’re going to have some English errors and yes, you do. Some of the errors would be that you sometimes don’t capitalize the beginning of sentences. I would give you an example but it’s almost everywhere. You spell things wrong.You also don’t capitalize the beginning of the dialogues and you forget the commas at the end of what they are saying.
For example:

[Original Dialogue]

" yah, just remember - don't tell this to anyone at school tomorrow okay ? im usually not like this to people " he said patting my head .

{Corrected Dialogue}

“Yah, just remember - don’t tell this to anyone at school tomorrow, okay? I’m usually not like this to people,” he said, patting my head.

Another problem would be the spelling errors. Two of the words that you commonly spell wrong would be:
*Thingking
*tought

By the looks of how you spell, you sound it out? Thinking is spelled this way. It’s like when you say ‘think’. All you have to do is add ‘-ing’ at the end.

Thought is spelled like this. But you are close. One other thing, if you spell thought the way you spell it, when you spell though, it might end up as tough. Also, hurt is already a past tense, so there is no need to add “-ed” at the end.

Characterization: 6/10
I think that if the character had a name, it would give off more than if the character’s name is ~~~~~.

Originality: 10/10
I think that this is quite original. Yet, similar to other fanfics. I didn’t take any points off because I think that it’s THAT original.

Writing style: 6/10
The writing style is understandable but I think instead of putting links in the middle of the story, you should either, describe it or put the links at the end so it doesn’t make the story look crappy. (Excuse my language). Also, don’t put too much exclamation mark and question marks because like I said, it makes it look crappy. But do put it where necessary. Another thing, you put this >.> at the end of the sentence, and it makes it look messy. At least describe what >.> is, but if its like a text, then it’s fine but if it isn’t, explain. Also, if you want to explain something, instead of putting an A/N note in the middle of the story, same with the links, put it at the end of the chapter.

Overall enjoyment: 10/10
I have to say, I enjoyed it because as you can tell, my name is myangelteuk so I am an Leeteuk fan! I agree that there aren’t many Leeteuk fics. I have to say, this is a good story! I’m going to subscribe to it so I can read more!! Hwaiting!

Overall score: 82.5/100

*This is just a review. It is not meant to criticize you. But if it did in anyway, I apologize.*

The Love Bus by kanhosa301

Title: The Love Bus
Author: kanhosa301
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/kanhosa304
Reviewed by: hanichan32319 @ Lost Shadows

*My deepest apologies for this being so late. Life caught up with me on many occasions, and I had neither the time nor the heart to do much of anything, really. I hope you understand. And now, on with the review!*

Title: 3/5
Although it’s cute, and it fits the story, I’m fairly certain you could have come up with a much more creative title.

Poster/Background: 7/10
As with what I said above, it’s cute and it fits, but a) you can be way more creative with the poster overall, and b) there are no credentials. I assume you made this, but at least put something that says so. If you didn’t make this, shame on you for not crediting the artist. It’s a lovely drawing, but none of the characters are featured in it.

Forewords: 2/5
A few sentences explaining your story certainly didn’t catch my interest. A reader wants to be pulled into the story. I was not pulled. Maybe add a little bit, like how old everyone is…what they look like, even…or where everything takes place.

Plot: 12/15
Things happened way too fast between Yunho and Cherry, but more of that is below. I really felt for Doo Joon; he had unrequited love for his best friend. I’ve seen that with some of my own friends, and it really tore them apart. That’s why I was surprised Cherry didn’t decide to be Doo Joon’s girlfriend. I thought for sure that would happen…oh, well.

Flow: 9/10
Only thing I had against the flow was the fact that Yunho and Cherry seemed to fall in love with each other way too fast; they met in a day and wham? Ha, I wish people could fall in love that quickly! I would mention more on that subject but I don’t think you’d want to know about your reviewer’s love life…LOL!

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 12/15
You’re spelling was okay, and you have a decently sized vocabulary. The only problems lied with grammar and with tenses. Remember: “you’re” is a contraction, shortening “you are.” “Your” is a possessive, meaning to show ownership. Oh, and use “on” correctly; there were several times you should have used “at” or “in” instead of “on.” Sorry if this isn’t making much sense to you, haha. I just say it like it is and hope that you understand what I mean.

Characterization: 6/10
To me, the characters seemed underdeveloped. Yunho came off more stalker-ish than I first thought. Out of nowhere, he decides that he loves this girl after going on one date with her? Cherry does the same, too. Doo Joon had the most development, kinda; he harbored feelings toward his best friend, and his love seems more legit than the “love” Cherry feels for Yunho, who she literally just met. This really should have been turned into a short story, maybe three or four chapters.

Originality: 7/10
The only thing slightly original about this is that the main character didn’t end up with the best friend, which is usually what happens in romantic comedies, no?

Writing style: 8/10
Seeing as how I’m a writer of long paragraphs, I didn’t mind the length so much. However, it seemed like you tried to squeeze a potential story into a one-shot. Also, when two different people are talking or thinking, separate into different lines. Cherry’s thoughts should really go onto a line by themselves unless she’s the one speaking.

Overall enjoyment: 8/10
I didn’t love it, but I didn’t hate it. If you had gone into deeper detail and development, it would be better. You did good, though. Good luck with all your future stories!

Overall score: 72/100

Bonus: 2/5
Okay, even though the scoring rubric doesn’t go this way, I still had to give bonus points for Cherry having a best friend named Hazel. In a book I hope to publish one day, I have a character named Hazel! I was hit with some pleasant irony while reading this, haha!

Total: 74/100

Do you love me or my twin sister? by **princess**

Author: **princess**
Story Name: Do you love me or my twin sister?
Story URL: http://winglin.net/fanfic/darksidejj_3/
Reviewer: Airah

Title: 3.5/5
The title fits the story but it’s not very eye-catching. Also, capitalize the title; Do You Love Me Or My Twin Sister? But sometimes, titles don’t have to be capitalized. Another thing, the title is pretty long.

Poster/Background: 9.5/10
The poster and background looks nice but there is something with the poster. It says: It's hard to let go the one you love...but it's hard to love a person when you know he only see you as the girl that he once's love..

It’s supposed to be:
It’s hard to let go of the one you love..but it’s hard to love a person when you know he only sees you as the girl he once loved.

I saw that you changed the poster but I’m still keeping the score the same. Also, it’s kind of hard to see when your sentences are long and Eun Hye’s face sometimes covers the words.

Forewords: 5/5
It included important things such as the plot, and characters. But you also have a OST for the story which is nice.

Plot: 15/15
I like the plot a lot. It’s quite different from some other stories.

Flow: 10/10
Not too slow or fast.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 10/15
From the first chapter, I’ve been thinking that English isn’t your first language because either you’re just forgetting some letters like ‘s’ on some of the words like on your foreword it says, Twin sister. That should be twin sisters. Also you’re sometimes getting there and their mixed up. Also babys. It should be babies. There are more but I don’t want to put you down by listing all of them.

Characterization: 10/10
I don’t like ~~~~~ fics. I really prefer fictional characters but it’s your story. Fictional characters give off more life rather than ~~~~~~ characters.

Originality: 8/10
Like I said, it’s different but not original. I’ve read some fanfics that are like this. But different is good because sometimes it can be original.

Writing style: 7/10
The way you write is fine but sometimes putting something like *giggles* in the middle of the sentence makes it look messy. Instead of doing that you could put ‘she giggled.’ Or something like that.

Overall enjoyment: 10/10
Love it!! Thanks for a great fic! I’ll keep reading because I think I know who the woman is.

\Overall score: 88/100

My own rose by rekan

Title: My own rose
Author: rekan
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/Rekan/
Reviewer: dramafreak4eva @ Lost Shadows
[www.lostshadows.co.nr]

Title: 4/5
Your title that you had chosen for you story was suitable for the story but does not catch attention to readers.

Poster/Background: -/10
No poster was provided.

Forewords: 1/5
You had your necessary information and that was it, nothing other than that. No character descriptions, summary, previews or anything. You have to have the things I listed above to get an average mark or above.

Plot: 11/15
There wasn’t an exact plot but what you had was good although it was a bit too short. I didn’t really understand because you didn’t state who’s point of view it was under, all I knew was that it’s about YunJae.

Flow: 8/10
Since it’s short, it was okay. I really can’t say much here.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 13/15
You had used a quite a large range of words. Not too large as your one shot was short and since you weren’t writing a chaptered story, it’s fairly hard to mark your story. The mark I gave you was based on the first chapter.

Characterization: 7/10
You did give some good descriptions on some things but not on the characters so I deducted a few marks because of that.

Originality: 8/10
It’s not all that original but is creative.

Writing style: 8/10
I liked it. It was neat, understandable and readable. Again, your one shot was short so I really can’t mark it.

Overall enjoyment: 6/10

Overall score: 66/90
Once again, it’s short so I really can’t review much. Thanks for requesting at Lost Shadows!

It’s Not As Cool As It Seems by Asian_Innocence

Title: It’s Not As Cool As It Seems
Author: Asian_Innocence
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/Asian_Innocence
Reviewer: dramafreak4eva @ Lost Shadows
[lostshadows.co.nr]

Title: 4/5
The title though is long but does suit the story. It’s not really eye catching but is alright for a title. I actually like the title as it does explain the whole story without telling much but saying that ‘it’s not as cool as it seems’ is a very good title for your story.

Poster/Background: 9/10
I liked your poster; it’s pretty simple and included the things that were needed in a usual poster. Background was great, no problems for me. Teriyaki18 did a pretty good job overall.

Forewords: 3/5
Your forewords were written well since it is your first foreword and story that you have written on Winglin. You did include a summary and a character description which was a good start. Most reviewers including me do not prefer writers listing the things of a character using a list. Using sentences would be great, it’s just much better than using dot points. I did spot some grammar mistakes which is why I had to deduct a mark off.

Plot: 12/15
Your plot is just fantastic. It may not be one of the most plots but I absolutely loved it. It thing I like it is it’s mostly realistic unlike most fanfics out there which are oh so perfect and just will never happen to me no matter how hard I try. Just the part that Chomin being Yunho’s cousin is just..unrealistic but that really doesn’t matter. The events that happened such as Chomin losing her purse, getting caught by the security officers and others are the ones I really like because they were ‘realistic’.

Flow: 10/10
The flow of the whole story was perfect; you didn’t rush or drag it. It was just perfect. Many people seem to tend rush the intro but I’m glad you didn’t. Everything worked out fine.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 13/15
Wow, you used a very wide range of vocabulary in your story. You did have a few spelling and grammar mistakes here and there but they weren’t very noticeable so it’s fine. Nothing was that big to be listed since you did re-read a few chapters. Good job.

Characterization: 9/10
I understood the characters fairly well as you did include quite a lot of details in your story. You had great characterizations in your story as to explaining the characters, objects or just small things. Everything flowed well, the feelings of each person, their actions and other things were nicely flowed and made the story even better. I could imagine the scenes in my head so well. Very well done here.

Originality: 9/10
It is original as the storyline is based on realistic things that can be able to happen to you. Although Chomin being Yunho’s cousin isn’t really original, other things were. I did deduct one mark because of that.

Writing style: 10/10
I absolutely loved it. I can tell straightaway that you did put in effort in your writing. Your writing style is just perfect for me; it’s enjoyed, understandable and lastly neat. No criticism here, just love it. How you wrote your story just really makes the reader asking for more. That’ll lead to more readers and other good things. Although each chapter was very long it doesn’t really matter. Great job, full points.

Overall enjoyment: 8/10
I cannot tell you how much I enjoyed reading your story. I’m also a fan of DBSK and besides that your trailer was great. Glad I’m able to read this story of yours.

Overall score: 87/100

Great job! I’m a strict reviewer so that’s a high mark. Good luck on your future fanfics!

5 Sexy Guys Loves 1 Ugly Me?! by Airah

Author: Airah
Story Title: 5 Sexy Guys Loves 1 Ugly Me?!
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/five_lovers/
Reviewer: DarkAngel

Title: 4/5

-I personally think your title is too long. Maybe you can find a shorter title that fits your story. Other than that, it matches your story a lot.


Poster/Background: 8.5/10

-Your poster is nice. I like the combination of colors and the guys look really cute XD. The background, however, didn’t really have the same effect on me. I thought you could have done something more to the BG. And for the text, it was hard to read occassionally because of the pictures, but other than that, it was fine.


Forewords: 3.5/5

-You could have included a little introduction for each character to let the reader know what each was like. The preview was good; it got me interested! But even with the characters’ names and the preview, it looks too short. You should add some things to make it longer.


Plot: 10/15

-First off, I would like to say that you lost me starting from the 2nd chapter. It got confusing and it took me a while to catch up. I also don’t get the bathroom part in chapter 3. I suggest you elaporate more. Also, this plot isn’t exactly “creative” or “unique”. I’ve seen this plot many times. You should add more of a twist in your story to make it more interesting to read.


Flow: 7/10

-Like I said earlier, you should explain more. Other than that, your pace is fine.


Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 12/15

You need to proof-read after you finish your story. Two things you need to work on are to change past tense to present, add commas, make longer sentences, and capitalize only names and the first letter in a sentence. Here are some examples:

Incorrect: "Oh yeah. But still,I hate people who act like that." He said. I nod in agreement.

Correct: "Oh yeah. But still, I hate people who act like that," he says. I nod in agreement.

***

Incorrect: As soon as he step into the room a hand pulls him out.

Correct: As soon as he steps into the room, a hand pulls him out.

***

Incorrect: My good mood suddenly turned real bad.

Correct: My good mood suddenly turns really bad.

***

Incorrect: "Just so you know, even though I did the work doesn't mean its right. I just compared it with my work from before, and guess what?" He says.

Correct: “Just so you know, even though I did the work doesn’t mean it’s right. I just compare it with my work from before, and guess what?” he says.

***

Incorrect: I see Sae Rok. I decided to say hi. But standing from here, she wouldn't really be able to hear me so instead I just wave. I see that she waved back.

Correct: I see Sae Rok. I decide to say hi, but standing from here, she wouldn’t really be able to hear me, so instead I just wave. I see that she waves back.



Hope that helps!


Characterization: 7/10

-I didn’t really get the beginning because the characters kept changing their personality. Does Sae Rok hate Yoochun, or are they still friends? He seems to worry about her (like more main guys worry about their girl).


Originality: 7/10

-I have to say, this plot wasn’t really original. But some things included in the chapters were stuff I’ve never seen before. You didn’t exactly add a twist, but you added something I haven’t seen before.


Writing style: 9/10

-One small thing that bothered me was the lack of paragraphs in the story. By adding paragraphs, it makes the format look more professional. Other than that, I have no problems with it whatsoever.


Overall enjoyment: 10/10

-If I wasn’t reviewing this story, I would be more relaxed. I actually like it very much! You have a great sense of humor. But since I’m a reviewer, I have to do my job. Still, great job with the story!


Overall score: 78/100

Eye of Raven by Pararae

Author: Pararae
Story Title: Eye of Raven
Story URL: http://peaceful-pandemonium.blogspot.com/2010/04/eye-of-raven.html
Reviewer: DarkAngel

Title: 5/5

-Very creative! Your title sounds really interesting and it captured my attention. What I expected was completely wrong. “Eye of Raven” sounds dangerous and daring- just like assassins.


Poster/Background: 7/10

-You didn’t exactly have a poster, but the banner looks really nice. I can’t give you a 10 since you don’t have a poster, but the flower is pretty. There wasn’t much of a background, but black suits the story.



Forewords: 5/5

-I will count the introduction part as the forewords. Your definition for each word was unique and different from what I would think. You also included the genre, background information, and the characters’ names. Though you had all of that, I think it would be better if you told us a little bit more about the characters just to let the reader know about them beforehand.


Plot: 13/15

-Your plot was unique and different, but I’ve read many stories involving assassins before. It’s a good touch, but it’s already been used several times already. The mission was very creative! I would have never thought Mimie would have the H.K. tattoo! You twisted the story and made it your own way. That’s what a great writer does.


Flow: 10/10

-The flow was perfect! It wasn’t too fast or too slow. The fighting part was better than I expected! Most of the time, it would be difficult to create a good paced fighting scene, but you did it! Good job!


Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 13/15

-Your vocabulary was amazing! I have NEVER seen anyone with a big vocabulary as you. There were some words that I haven’t even seen or heard of! Your spelling and grammar was also perfect. There were only a few mistakes, but they were uncommon.


Characterization: 8/10

-I was lost near the middle. The characters were easy to understand, but I had to say, they had common personas. I’d suggest you add more of a twist to your characters’ personality, fate, and past.


Originality: 8/10

-Assassins are seen in many movies and stories. The surprising part was Mimie. I still think you can add a little “something” in there.


Writing style: 10/10

-I don’t really have a problem with your writing style. It’s perfect just the way it is!


Overall enjoyment: 8.5/10

-Like I mentioned earlier, I was got confused when I reached the middle of the first part. I guess it’s just my way of thinking, but it’s frustrating when you get mixed up.


Overall score: 87.5/100

*Sorry for the long wait! I admit- I got a little lazy, but it was a pretty good story! Keep up the good work!

When Two Different Worlds Collide by arlean19

Author: arlean19
Story Title : When Two Different Worlds Collide
Story URL: www.winglin.net/fanfic/arlean19
Reviewer: mg6991

Title: 3/5

-Your title was good, but I really didn’t see its connection to your plot.

Poster/Background: 6/10

-Your poster wasn’t really good, no offense but I rather see you use another picture.

Forewords: 3/5

-Your Forewords was alright, but it’s like your already telling them what’s going to happen. It’s not like that. The Forewords section is used to write a short summary of the story and of your characters. You really shouldn’t tell them what’s going to happen.

Plot: 10/15

-Your plot was very simple and very common. I’ve seen many plots like this.

Flow: 6/10

- I really couldn’t understand your flow. Your events in one chapter are going too fast. You should describe those certain events more. I was always left hanging after an event had happened.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 13/15

-You’re using too much “…” or “!!” or “??”. Only one of these can be used to express a certain feeling.

Characterization: 8/10

-You described the main characters well enough even though the others weren’t.

Originality: 5/10

-Just like what I said in the plot section, it was too common.

Writing style: 8/10

-You started the contents of your chapters to be very short. And then it suddenly became long. You should really maintain only one length on how long or short it should be.

Overall enjoyment: 6/10

-I really didn’t enjoy it much. Sorry!

Overall score: 68/100

Trust by ava_lava

Author: ava_lava
Story Title : Trust
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/ava_lava2/
Reviewer: mg6991

Title: 3/5

-Your title was too simple. It can’t attract the eyes of the readers. But nevertheless, it has a connection to your plot.

Poster/Background: 10/10

-I love your poster! It’s nicely done!

Forewords: 3/5

-Your forewords were a bit long. You put only a short summary of your plot and your characters in the Forewords. But it seems that you have already given your readers a small preview.

Plot: 15/15

-I love your plot! It seems like its pretty simple at first sight, but when you read its chapters, it’s actually unique!!

Flow: 8/10

-I can’t understand your flow sometimes. The part where Jae fell in love with Yunho was a bit fast. But there were some parts in where in seems a bit rushed. You should maintain an average pace. Not too fast, not too slow.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 15/15

-You have perfect grammar! Wow! I sometimes don’t get on why you have to use ‘Yah’. But its good.

Characterization: 9/10

-You described Jae and Yunho very well. But it seems that your characterization of Junsu and Yoochun isn’t a bit good. But it’s fine, nevertheless.

Originality: 10/10

-I haven’t seen any stories like yours! Great work!

Writing style: 10/10

-I just love how you write. Keep up the good work!

Overall enjoyment: 8/10

Overall score: 91/100

-That’s pretty high!! Keep doing your best!

Things Chansung Hates by Jtoasn

Title: Things Chansung Hates

Author: Jtoasn

URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/tch/

Reviewer: dramafreak4eva @ Lost Shadows [lostshadows.co.nr]


Title: 2/5

The title wasn’t that appealing and it also did not relate to your story. When I first received the request, I had thought it would be about the things that Chansung hate but unfortunately, it didn’t turned out to be what I had thought.


Poster/Background: -/10

No poster or background was provided.


Forewords: 3/5

The forewords did include all of the necessary information that was needed. The plot summary needed to be clearer though. It was about how Chansung hated.. the smell of Jay, instead you stated that it was about the things that Chansung hated. You needed more detail for readers to show interest in the story.


Plot: 13/15

There wasn’t exactly a plot in the end; but it turned out to be one. It was a very interesting plot to read as you made the shirt and smell link to Jay’s departure. You really did make the story fascinating for readers to keep reading on. Great job.


Flow: 7/10

It was all good until the part where Chansung started to like Jay. Until there, it was a bit rushed. Other than that, it was pretty good overall. There’s nothing much else to say.


Spelling/Grammer/Vocabulary: 15/15

I didn’t find any errors in your grammar or vocabulary.


Characterization: 6/10

I didn’t really understand Chansung and only knew that he hates the smell of Jay and then suddenly likes him and wishes that he didn’t leave 2PM. That’s all I knew about Chansung. You needed to have more background information and details about him. You could’ve at least added a few character descriptions in the forewords.


Orginality: 9/10

It’s original as I haven’t seen any other story like yours, writing like this. I like it.


Writing style: 9/10

Your writing style is very easy to read and understand. I deduced one mark because I felt your oneshot was just way too short.


Overall enjoyment: 9/10



Overall score: 73/90

The Edge of Sanity by Jian You

Title: The Edge of Sanity
Author: Jian You
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/jianyou2/
Reviewed by: ShadowYin | lostshadows.co.nr
SYNote: I'm so sorry about your long wait. *bows*

Title: 5/5
I like it. It’s unique. Matched the fanfic really well, which actually surprised me…somehow.

Poster/Background: 7/10
One of the creepiest posters around. The background was a bit distracting in my opinion, it really made it difficult to read. The poster really prepared the readers for what was going to happen. But yes, the poster contained quite a few elements? It looked creepy, but the images look a bit too depressing? Think the poster should be darker since this is one of the ‘darkest’ stories I’ve read.

Forewords: 2.5/5
Not that great. Gave a really cliché impression to the fanfic. Didn’t like how you listed about the traits of the characters, and since there aren't so many things about them, why didn’t you just put it in sentences?
If I read that, I wouldn’t want to read on, sorry.

Plot: 15/15
Loved it! Really shocked me.

Flow: 8/10
Your flow worked perfectly since the character was obviously insane. However at the part where you wrote:
He kicks the dirt off his shoes onto the mat. He throws off his trench coat and tosses it on the hook. He sets his briefcase down softly.

I didn’t think the listing of sentences were effective. I think you should’ve just described things normally in a few sections just to show your versatility in writing. Although I can see that short sentences worked perfectly in the characterization of the ‘you’ character.


Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 11/15
Lots of minor mistakes.

You wrote:
her's (should be HERS)

You wrote:
…louder and louder each syllable (I think you meant ‘louder and louder AFTER each syllable’.)

You wrote:
The mock (THEY mock)

You wrote:
…blue throw pillow (‘blue pillow’ would do.)

You wrote:
…feeling seven swipe (…feeling with seven wipes…)

You wrote:
Is is my birthday (Is IT my birthday)

You wrote:
…but not enough to the point the become unconscious… (…but not enough to the point THEY become unconscious)


Characterization: 10/10
Speechless. Your characterization was brilliant.

Originality: 10/10
Original, I say no more. It’s often that we hear stories about the insane people and murderers. However, you’ve really explored into the mind of the insane, I’m really impressed.

Writing style: 7/10
I didn’t like it as much. Since it was written in ‘you’ format, it was like everything was a command. Like…’you do this do that’.

I would’ve personally have preferred it if you wrote it in the past tense and in first person instead.

Overall enjoyment: 7.5/10
You blew me away with your originality.

Overall score: 83/100