Story Title: My Husband Bought me at A Auction
Story Author: MrsJaejoong
Story URL: http://winglin.net/fanfic/auction/
Reviewer: Darkess
*My reviews are not meant to harm or discourage the author, but to help them fix their stories and do better in the future. The opinions expressed in this review are mine and mine alone, and are not meant to offend you*
Title: 4/5
It isn't... grammatically correct. It should be 'at An Auction' instead of A. but... the title would definitely catch my attention on the winglin page, and it is very unique.
Poster/Background: 10/10
Beautiful poster and bg made by Teri eunnie S2.
Forewords: 3/5
I really would have loved to see a summary here, but I'm glad you put the characters and their positions, as well as the credits :)
Plot: 12/15
I really like where this is going. I found this whole story super interesting because of the auction. I'm still trying to figure out where they got all that money, and why they would be willing to spend it on a particular human, but I really like where it's going, and the twist that both Kings bid on her. Keep going with this!
Flow: 6/10
It's hard to imagine this happening in real time. Also, you said something like 'we're all trying to sleep, it's nightime' or something along those lines... but I'm 100% sure that it's common knowledge that vamps sleep during the day... unless your vampire type is just unique XD if that's the case than you should try to build on that more.
Spelling/Grammer/Vocabulary: 11/15
*bullet pas the (chapter 1)
bullet pass the - just a simple typo :P
*didn't screamed (chapter 1)
didn't scream
*so call Queen (chapter 1)
so called Queen
*A hour later (chapter 2)
An hour later
*start biding (chapter 2)
start bidding
mmk. you've made the same mistake like 20 times XD it isn't biding, it's bidding.
*and her she is (chapter 3)
and here she is
I think some stronger vocabulary could have been used as well since yours was pretty basic.
Characterization: 8/10
I thought that you built on the characters a lot in the short amount of chapters. You've built on the girl's personality, and on the perverted vampires as well. You also described the dress and the 'King Vamps' of being beautiful. A good word for Jaejoong and Khun :P
Orginality: 10/10
I can honestly say that I've never ever seen a story like this. I love the whole vampire idea (which actually IS very common since Twilight) but ... the whole auctioning off humans is a new concept to me... especially auctioning them off to Vampires... Idunno. I love the whole thing :D
Writing style: 6/10
You often switch between present and past tence. Pick one and stick with it. I like that you added a little bit of detail here and there, enough to make the story seem a little bit realistic. The one line story structure is easy to read, but... not very professional looking.
Overall enjoyment: 8/10
This story kept my attention , and I want to read more . Update soon!
Overall score: 78/100
Sunday, 25 April 2010
Sunday, 18 April 2010
Time forgets
Title: Time Forgets
Author: RAINxclouds
Reviewer: DarkAngel @ Lost Shadows
Title: 5/5
-It’s simple, but it explains the story a lot. I personally like it because it sounds kind of sad, but that’s just my theory XD
Poster/Background: 8/10
-I really like the poster. I think it looks really nice. But the background is too plain for my liking. When you put them both together, it looks really dark. It would be nicer if there were more colors to it, but I guess it fits the story.
Forewords: 4/5
-I really like the forewords. The little prologue is nice and it makes you think. Very nice! But it would be better if you also added a little introduction about the characters.
Plot: 13/15
-Very good, but it’s kind of common. A girl is sick and dies, leaving the guy alone. Though I thought it was really good, I suppose you could have twisted it a bit more. The story was really deep. Kudos for that.
Flow: 10/10
-The flow was fine. It wasn’t fast or slow. It’s perfect for me!
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 14/15
-Your vocabulary was very good. There were a lot of words that I didn’t know, but I could tell from the context clues. I didn’t spot any spelling problems. For grammar, all you had to do was add a couple of more commas in the right places and it would have been perfect!
Characterization: 9/10
-You mainly focused on Key, which I get, but I suggest you tell the readers more about Hyunae’s personality. The reason why I thought it was deep was because you told us about Key’s feelings. It sounded very realistic and emotional.
Originality: 8/10
-Like I said before, there are many stories with the main person having a disease and then passing away. But this one was a little more unique than others (since others had leukemia, diabetes, heart problems, and things like that).
Writing style: 10/10
-I had no problem with your writing style what so ever! It’s good enough for me!
Overall enjoyment: 10/10
-I really enjoyed it, even though I’m not really a fan of sad or gloomy stories. I almost cried. GREAT JOB!
Overall score: 91/100
Tuesday, 13 April 2010
Love in School by lovely_smile
Title: Love in School
Story URL: ww.loveinschoolfanfiction.blogspot.com
Author: lovely_smile
Reviewer: DarkAngel @ Lost Shadows
Title: 3/5
-The title isn’t very creative. It’s pretty common, but it fits well with the story. Honestly, I think you could have chosen a better one, but this one is fine.
Poster/Background: 7/10
-There isn’t a poster, but there is a banner (lol, stating the obvious). I like the banner because it’s cute, so I guess it’ll be a seven since you copied the photo from the original drama.
Forewords: 4/5
-It’s nice to know about the characters and their appearance. That way, the reader can imagine what they look like. But it would be better if you put a short summary about what the story is about.
Plot: 12/15
-I like the plot, though it’s common. It’s funny how they always get themselves into a mess every time. It’d be better if you added some kind of twist to it. Still, I like it :)
Flow: 8/10
-I thought it went kind of slow. If you could speed it up a little faster, that would be nice.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 12/15
-I spotted a few spelling problems, but it wasn’t anything major. It would be great if you added some better vocabulary. Occasionally, I see repeats too, so try to work on that.
Characterization: 10/10
-I really like your characters! They’re all different from each other, but their bonds are really strong. Though there is a lot of drama going on, they eventually make up.
Originality: 8/10
-Like I said before, this is pretty common, though I can see you try to put your own twist on it.
Writing style: 8/10
-I’m not really fond of the whole script format, but I guess it’s okay. But you describe things really well, so kudos for that.
Overall enjoyment: 8/10
-It’s common, and sometimes predictable. Other than that, I like it ^^
Overall score: 80/100
Story URL: ww.loveinschoolfanfiction.blogspot.com
Author: lovely_smile
Reviewer: DarkAngel @ Lost Shadows
Title: 3/5
-The title isn’t very creative. It’s pretty common, but it fits well with the story. Honestly, I think you could have chosen a better one, but this one is fine.
Poster/Background: 7/10
-There isn’t a poster, but there is a banner (lol, stating the obvious). I like the banner because it’s cute, so I guess it’ll be a seven since you copied the photo from the original drama.
Forewords: 4/5
-It’s nice to know about the characters and their appearance. That way, the reader can imagine what they look like. But it would be better if you put a short summary about what the story is about.
Plot: 12/15
-I like the plot, though it’s common. It’s funny how they always get themselves into a mess every time. It’d be better if you added some kind of twist to it. Still, I like it :)
Flow: 8/10
-I thought it went kind of slow. If you could speed it up a little faster, that would be nice.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 12/15
-I spotted a few spelling problems, but it wasn’t anything major. It would be great if you added some better vocabulary. Occasionally, I see repeats too, so try to work on that.
Characterization: 10/10
-I really like your characters! They’re all different from each other, but their bonds are really strong. Though there is a lot of drama going on, they eventually make up.
Originality: 8/10
-Like I said before, this is pretty common, though I can see you try to put your own twist on it.
Writing style: 8/10
-I’m not really fond of the whole script format, but I guess it’s okay. But you describe things really well, so kudos for that.
Overall enjoyment: 8/10
-It’s common, and sometimes predictable. Other than that, I like it ^^
Overall score: 80/100
Friday, 9 April 2010
Raindrops by Ana
Author: Ana
Story Title : Raindrops
Story URL: http://winglin.net/fanfic/_raindrops
Reviewer: ShadowYin | lostshadows.co.nr
Title: 3.5/5 – simple, related. Not very creative though.
Poster/Background: 8/10 – it’s very beautiful, however wouldn’t it be better to possibly include a picture of Junsu as well?
Forewords: 3/5 – Too simple for my liking, and also a bit cliché. It’s not enough to catch my interest. However it’s nice.
Plot: 9.5/15 – To be honest, it’s short and there weren’t much to it. The plot itself is quite cliché, the ‘one-sided’ love. I still think it was quite weird, since in the dialogue it appears that it was Aecha who told Junsu to confess, but then she owed her like to Iseul because she encountered the scene. Well…was she not the one who gave him the advice to begin with? I really think this plot it quite weak, and there’s not much to support this. The make it better, I think add in more description and possibly more emotive language to give the readers a better idea of what’s going on. I know one-shots are meant to be short, but the trick with one-shots is using the minimum words which create the biggest impact. For your one-shot, I think you need more words for that impact.
Flow: 7/10 - When it was the dialogue, I thought you could’ve added so much more in that section because for me, it was going too fast. Description slows down the pace of the story. It was going really well until it was dialogue after dialogue, and at that point all the emotions just seemed to disappear. You see, before it was a very emotional piece of writing, and the dialogue which lacked description made me feel like you rushed to get to the end of the story.
EX:
Then, covering his face with both hands, he screamed the most agonizing sound to Aecha's ears. The sound lasted for only a few seconds. (Then what? This sentence feels unfinished…?)
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 12.5/15
No much to say, but here’s a few things I spotted:
You wrote:
He might as well had burst into the tears he was clearly holding back. (Slightly award…? There could be so many possibilities of how this sentence can be phrased, but I’m not going to list them because I’m not sure which one you actually want…)
You wrote:
Aecha rubbed her eyes, where she wasn't sure if tears or rain was making it sting,
My version:
Aecha rubbed her eyes, where she wasn't sure if IT WAS THE tears or THE rain THAT was making it sting…
You wrote:
Awkward laughter
My suggestion:
He gave an awkward laughter.
Vocabulary could’ve also been improved. Since this piece of writing had potential to have a lot of imageries and descriptions, good vocabulary would be requires, however I didn’t think the vocabulary was that great. There were a lot of words where I thought was a bit weak?
Example:
You wrote:
…she wouldn't have let go of the weight that was slowly killing her…
My suggestion:
Add a few words, change a few like:
…she wouldn’t have the courage to let go of the weight that was slowly suffocating her…
My opinion, the ‘killing’ in your sentence was just a tad bit weak, but it’s still good.
Characterization: 6.5/10 – I think there’s something wrong with Aecha. She advised Junsu to confess, then she threw a tantrum at him over the phone and he still doesn’t know what’s going on.
Especially when Junsu asked ‘where are you’ and she replied with ‘I don’t know’, how can she not know where she is? What I found surprising was the fact that Junsu didn’t find it strange.
Something strange about the character:
"I feel like I've just taken a load off of my shoulders." He sounded regretful. (So is he being sarcastic about it? Please don’t presume your readers would know what you mean, because they probably don’t.)
Junsu…He really doesn’t sound like a guy in this fic, I’m sorry but by reading the dialogue he sounds really bitchy. (He might be feminine in her fic, I don’t know…but I just find it awkward.)
Originality: 7/10 – Once again, not really original to me. Think it would be better if you added a twist to it.
Writing style: 8/10 - Loved the opening! But then I started to dislike the style. At the end, it was starting to lack details. It was easy to understand, but I think it can still be improved.
Overall enjoyment: 9/10
It was short, simple, and nice. I like it :)
Overall score: 74/100
Story Title : Raindrops
Story URL: http://winglin.net/fanfic/_raindrops
Reviewer: ShadowYin | lostshadows.co.nr
Title: 3.5/5 – simple, related. Not very creative though.
Poster/Background: 8/10 – it’s very beautiful, however wouldn’t it be better to possibly include a picture of Junsu as well?
Forewords: 3/5 – Too simple for my liking, and also a bit cliché. It’s not enough to catch my interest. However it’s nice.
Plot: 9.5/15 – To be honest, it’s short and there weren’t much to it. The plot itself is quite cliché, the ‘one-sided’ love. I still think it was quite weird, since in the dialogue it appears that it was Aecha who told Junsu to confess, but then she owed her like to Iseul because she encountered the scene. Well…was she not the one who gave him the advice to begin with? I really think this plot it quite weak, and there’s not much to support this. The make it better, I think add in more description and possibly more emotive language to give the readers a better idea of what’s going on. I know one-shots are meant to be short, but the trick with one-shots is using the minimum words which create the biggest impact. For your one-shot, I think you need more words for that impact.
Flow: 7/10 - When it was the dialogue, I thought you could’ve added so much more in that section because for me, it was going too fast. Description slows down the pace of the story. It was going really well until it was dialogue after dialogue, and at that point all the emotions just seemed to disappear. You see, before it was a very emotional piece of writing, and the dialogue which lacked description made me feel like you rushed to get to the end of the story.
EX:
Then, covering his face with both hands, he screamed the most agonizing sound to Aecha's ears. The sound lasted for only a few seconds. (Then what? This sentence feels unfinished…?)
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 12.5/15
No much to say, but here’s a few things I spotted:
You wrote:
He might as well had burst into the tears he was clearly holding back. (Slightly award…? There could be so many possibilities of how this sentence can be phrased, but I’m not going to list them because I’m not sure which one you actually want…)
You wrote:
Aecha rubbed her eyes, where she wasn't sure if tears or rain was making it sting,
My version:
Aecha rubbed her eyes, where she wasn't sure if IT WAS THE tears or THE rain THAT was making it sting…
You wrote:
Awkward laughter
My suggestion:
He gave an awkward laughter.
Vocabulary could’ve also been improved. Since this piece of writing had potential to have a lot of imageries and descriptions, good vocabulary would be requires, however I didn’t think the vocabulary was that great. There were a lot of words where I thought was a bit weak?
Example:
You wrote:
…she wouldn't have let go of the weight that was slowly killing her…
My suggestion:
Add a few words, change a few like:
…she wouldn’t have the courage to let go of the weight that was slowly suffocating her…
My opinion, the ‘killing’ in your sentence was just a tad bit weak, but it’s still good.
Characterization: 6.5/10 – I think there’s something wrong with Aecha. She advised Junsu to confess, then she threw a tantrum at him over the phone and he still doesn’t know what’s going on.
Especially when Junsu asked ‘where are you’ and she replied with ‘I don’t know’, how can she not know where she is? What I found surprising was the fact that Junsu didn’t find it strange.
Something strange about the character:
"I feel like I've just taken a load off of my shoulders." He sounded regretful. (So is he being sarcastic about it? Please don’t presume your readers would know what you mean, because they probably don’t.)
Junsu…He really doesn’t sound like a guy in this fic, I’m sorry but by reading the dialogue he sounds really bitchy. (He might be feminine in her fic, I don’t know…but I just find it awkward.)
Originality: 7/10 – Once again, not really original to me. Think it would be better if you added a twist to it.
Writing style: 8/10 - Loved the opening! But then I started to dislike the style. At the end, it was starting to lack details. It was easy to understand, but I think it can still be improved.
Overall enjoyment: 9/10
It was short, simple, and nice. I like it :)
Overall score: 74/100
Thursday, 11 March 2010
Momento of Ours by Susan Lee
Author: Susan Lee
Title: Momento of Ours
Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/suxsan5/
Reviewer: Rachi @ Lost Shadows
Title: 4/5 ~ When I saw it, I was like “woahh Big Bang, much?” which was good because it immediately told me what I should expect. At the same time though, I wish it could have been a little more creative and not just simply a distinct line from a song.
Poster/Background: 10/10 ~ I liked the purple :] It fit the mood and was nice.
Forewords: 2/5 ~ Okay, I was so confused and still am. There were major problems with the flow/transitions in your forewords; nothing made sense. You go from a first person POV talking about something wrong with Daesung to narrator/theoretical question about someone named Uee (who hasn’t been introduced and is random) to talking about a mani pedi. I had no idea until about 5 minutes ago (after reviewing everything a couple of times) that it was supposed to be from Uee’s POV. I don’t know what to say, it was just weird and confusing.
Plot: 14/15 ~ Well, it’s definitely suspenseful (it’s still on-going, right?). I was completely hooked the whole time. There were however, a couple of parts that were confusing and I think you could have clarified on, like the parts where Daesung has flashbacks/delusions about Minkyung and when he hears her crying on the other side of the wall. Like, why was she there with them? I feel like you could have elaborated a bit on how they were in the same room because it feels like they would notice each other being in the same room and all, but it’s not until Daesung’s POV that we find out he’s in the same room, watching Uee on the news.
Flow: 7/10 ~ I don’t know what it was but the way certain scenes and transitions were in your story made it all very confusing and muddled. The scenes I’ve mentioned above, and especially the very end. Did he like faint or something and is that why he was falling from the bed? And why he wants to be “hurt” and is telling her to forget him slowly….why slowly? It contradicts what he says about him wanting to “hurt” because wouldn’t forgetting him slowly hurt her too? Transitions need some work.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 13/15 ~ Spelling was good but there was some weird phrasing throughout the story. I’ll take the ending of the 3rd chapter as an example:
“Can you just leave me and forget me…” should be “Could you just leave me and forget me…” or “Can’t you just leave me and forget me…”
“So I can be hurt…” I don’t know what you’re trying to say here but it’s phrased weird. Are you trying to say that he can hurt alone? It should be “So I can hurt…” or better yet, “So I can hurt alone…”
You should go back and review your story for similar mistakes.
Characterization: 7/10 ~ I don’t feel like you characterized Minkyung enough. This is bad, considering she is one of your main characters. After reading through the chapters, I just don’t feel like I know her at all. It just seems that she’s a sad little person recovering from a break-up. It’s so stereotypical and I don’t feel like you give us enough details about her personality to say “oh, okay I really get this girl.” It’s just like, okay here’s a girl who got broken up with and is sad, the end.
Originality: 9/10 ~ It’s not exactly the most original plotline I’ve ever seen (the girl getting broken up with because the guy loves her enough to not be with her because there’s this other girl threatening him with something) but I think that you’ve managed to make it interesting enough to keep me reading and it’s definitely entertaining.
Writing style: 10/10 ~ I like the simplicity and how your paragraphs and story is organized into a very clear format. I would suggest using a larger range of vocabulary next time.
Overall enjoyment: 8/10 ~ I loved it because it was entertaining, I didn’t like it because some parts were confusing and there wasn’t enough characterizing/details.
Overall score: 84/100
Title: Momento of Ours
Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/suxsan5/
Reviewer: Rachi @ Lost Shadows
Title: 4/5 ~ When I saw it, I was like “woahh Big Bang, much?” which was good because it immediately told me what I should expect. At the same time though, I wish it could have been a little more creative and not just simply a distinct line from a song.
Poster/Background: 10/10 ~ I liked the purple :] It fit the mood and was nice.
Forewords: 2/5 ~ Okay, I was so confused and still am. There were major problems with the flow/transitions in your forewords; nothing made sense. You go from a first person POV talking about something wrong with Daesung to narrator/theoretical question about someone named Uee (who hasn’t been introduced and is random) to talking about a mani pedi. I had no idea until about 5 minutes ago (after reviewing everything a couple of times) that it was supposed to be from Uee’s POV. I don’t know what to say, it was just weird and confusing.
Plot: 14/15 ~ Well, it’s definitely suspenseful (it’s still on-going, right?). I was completely hooked the whole time. There were however, a couple of parts that were confusing and I think you could have clarified on, like the parts where Daesung has flashbacks/delusions about Minkyung and when he hears her crying on the other side of the wall. Like, why was she there with them? I feel like you could have elaborated a bit on how they were in the same room because it feels like they would notice each other being in the same room and all, but it’s not until Daesung’s POV that we find out he’s in the same room, watching Uee on the news.
Flow: 7/10 ~ I don’t know what it was but the way certain scenes and transitions were in your story made it all very confusing and muddled. The scenes I’ve mentioned above, and especially the very end. Did he like faint or something and is that why he was falling from the bed? And why he wants to be “hurt” and is telling her to forget him slowly….why slowly? It contradicts what he says about him wanting to “hurt” because wouldn’t forgetting him slowly hurt her too? Transitions need some work.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 13/15 ~ Spelling was good but there was some weird phrasing throughout the story. I’ll take the ending of the 3rd chapter as an example:
“Can you just leave me and forget me…” should be “Could you just leave me and forget me…” or “Can’t you just leave me and forget me…”
“So I can be hurt…” I don’t know what you’re trying to say here but it’s phrased weird. Are you trying to say that he can hurt alone? It should be “So I can hurt…” or better yet, “So I can hurt alone…”
You should go back and review your story for similar mistakes.
Characterization: 7/10 ~ I don’t feel like you characterized Minkyung enough. This is bad, considering she is one of your main characters. After reading through the chapters, I just don’t feel like I know her at all. It just seems that she’s a sad little person recovering from a break-up. It’s so stereotypical and I don’t feel like you give us enough details about her personality to say “oh, okay I really get this girl.” It’s just like, okay here’s a girl who got broken up with and is sad, the end.
Originality: 9/10 ~ It’s not exactly the most original plotline I’ve ever seen (the girl getting broken up with because the guy loves her enough to not be with her because there’s this other girl threatening him with something) but I think that you’ve managed to make it interesting enough to keep me reading and it’s definitely entertaining.
Writing style: 10/10 ~ I like the simplicity and how your paragraphs and story is organized into a very clear format. I would suggest using a larger range of vocabulary next time.
Overall enjoyment: 8/10 ~ I loved it because it was entertaining, I didn’t like it because some parts were confusing and there wasn’t enough characterizing/details.
Overall score: 84/100
My Love... My Enemy... by phantom knight
Author: phantom knight
Title: My Love... My Enemy...
Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/ML_ME/
Reviewer: DarkAngel @ Lost Shadows
Title: 4/5
-You could have been more creative with the title, but it fits the story. Just judging by the title, it has an enemy/lover plot. But it catches them off guard because the girl is usually the main in the story with the boy being the aggressive one.
Poster/Background: 10/10
-I really like your poster and background. Ryeowon is really pretty and even seems in character. It reminds me of a movie poster.
Forewords: 5/5
-It included the characters and some information about them, a little preview of the plot that left the reader wanting more, and it was suspenseful (Yes, suspenseful XD). It has pretty much everything that the forewords were supposed to have.
Plot: 14/15
-It’s the usual enemy-into-lover plot where two enemies end up liking each other. But you switched the places and that made the story more interesting. The main boy ended up being the school nerd while the girl was the school bully. You don’t see that often. Kudos for that!
Flow: 10/10
-The flow was fine. It wasn’t too fast and it wasn’t too slow either.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 13/15
-There were a few grammar mistakes but they were minor. Your vocabulary is okay also, though you could have added some more words. I didn’t really see any spelling errors.
Characterization: 10/10
-You kind of made Ryeowon a mary-sue, which I don’t usually like. It’s okay for this story since she’s supposed to be aggressive and a bully. Geun Suk is really unique. He’s a loser, but very talented and good-looking, which is hard to find nowadays. I really like the characters and I can see the chemistry between them. Full points!
Originality: 9/10
-Of course, the enemy-lover plot is commonly seen. But you made a huge twist, turning it into a unique and more interesting story. Kudos for that!
Writing style: 10/10
-I don’t really have a problem with your writing. It’s fine just the way it is ^^
Overall enjoyment: 8/10
-It includes some of the usual plots of the other stories, which slightly made me uninterested. Other than that, it was fine!
Overall score: 93/100
*SORRY FOR THE LONG WAIT! I HOPE THIS HELPS!
Title: My Love... My Enemy...
Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/ML_ME/
Reviewer: DarkAngel @ Lost Shadows
Title: 4/5
-You could have been more creative with the title, but it fits the story. Just judging by the title, it has an enemy/lover plot. But it catches them off guard because the girl is usually the main in the story with the boy being the aggressive one.
Poster/Background: 10/10
-I really like your poster and background. Ryeowon is really pretty and even seems in character. It reminds me of a movie poster.
Forewords: 5/5
-It included the characters and some information about them, a little preview of the plot that left the reader wanting more, and it was suspenseful (Yes, suspenseful XD). It has pretty much everything that the forewords were supposed to have.
Plot: 14/15
-It’s the usual enemy-into-lover plot where two enemies end up liking each other. But you switched the places and that made the story more interesting. The main boy ended up being the school nerd while the girl was the school bully. You don’t see that often. Kudos for that!
Flow: 10/10
-The flow was fine. It wasn’t too fast and it wasn’t too slow either.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 13/15
-There were a few grammar mistakes but they were minor. Your vocabulary is okay also, though you could have added some more words. I didn’t really see any spelling errors.
Characterization: 10/10
-You kind of made Ryeowon a mary-sue, which I don’t usually like. It’s okay for this story since she’s supposed to be aggressive and a bully. Geun Suk is really unique. He’s a loser, but very talented and good-looking, which is hard to find nowadays. I really like the characters and I can see the chemistry between them. Full points!
Originality: 9/10
-Of course, the enemy-lover plot is commonly seen. But you made a huge twist, turning it into a unique and more interesting story. Kudos for that!
Writing style: 10/10
-I don’t really have a problem with your writing. It’s fine just the way it is ^^
Overall enjoyment: 8/10
-It includes some of the usual plots of the other stories, which slightly made me uninterested. Other than that, it was fine!
Overall score: 93/100
*SORRY FOR THE LONG WAIT! I HOPE THIS HELPS!
Painful Truth by Twirlpop
Author: Twirlpop
Title: Painful Truth
Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/Twirlpop01/
Reviewer: Rachi @ Lost Shadows
Title: 5/5 ~ I actually really liked your title because it was something that I wouldn’t have expected for your story and it did catch my attention as a non-stereotypical title.
Poster/Background: 7/10 ~ Well I’ll give you props for first time I guess but I’d suggest requesting one next time until you have time to really work on those photoshopping skills!
Forewords: 2/5 ~ This wasn’t exactly a formal forewords; I don’t know if you meant it to be that way or if you just didn’t want to write an intro or something but in either case I can’t give you points on it. For Winglin specifically, an introduction or forewords is expected in the first chapter and should give the reader an attention-grabbing sense of what will happen in the story.
Plot: 12/15 ~ Your plot was good for the most part but there wasn’t anything that was specifically unique about it that drew my attention and made it more memorable than all the other stories I’ve read. It was interesting and entertained but I feel like it was too stereotypical and there just wasn’t enough “feel” to it.
Flow: 8 /10 ~ I wasn’t overly impressed by the transitions because there were parts where I got confused. Like the part where they’re at the tree and he dies…are they still at the tree when he dies or are they back in the hospital? I think more description about their location would have better helped readers transition back and forth in your story.
Spelling/Grammer/Vocabulary: 12/15 ~ I definitely spotted a couple of weird phrasing and past-present tense confusion throughout your story, here is an example:
“He promised me he will not leave me but he just did-“
It should be “He promised he WOULD not leave me” or “He promised me he WOULDN’T leave me.”
And
“I thought I’m going to be okay but I can’t seem to move on.”
It should be “I thought I was going to be okay-“
And
“I thought he was the perfect man I would spend the rest of my life with but he just proved me wrong. He broke up with me. He turned his back and left me.”
There are run-on sentences here. Try:
“I thought he was the perfect man THAT I would spend the rest of my life with but he just proved me wrong; he broke up with me, he turned his back and left me.”
Mistakes like these were all over the places and they’re the type that you don’t notice if you’re just reading through it quickly but once you start delving, it gets SUPER annoying.
Characterization: 8/10 ~ This was pretty typical. You characterized just enough so that we know what the characters are supposed to be like but not so that we feel like we actually know them, or so that we really, really care what happens to them. Basically, do more characterizing next time; it adds color and uniqueness to your story.
Orginality: 4/10 ~ Not original. Some people say that there are only around 35 different plots out there and maybe they’re right. The trick is not to try to think of completely original plots (because it’s pretty much impossible) but to take one that has already been used many times and but your own spin to it. I feel like this whole storyline was SO typical. There was a complete lack of the element of surprise; it was nonexistent. One thing you could have changed to make it more unique might have been to start the story a little before him getting sick and breaking up with her. You could have showed us how their relationship was before that, how much they loved each other, and then the sudden break-up. Not only would that have been less stereotypical, it would’ve also been more interesting and we then could have related to the characters’ emotions.
Writing style: 9/10 ~ Overall I liked your writing style because it was clear and fit the mood. I would suggest using a larger range of vocabulary next time.
Overall enjoyment: 8/10 ~ Some of my enjoyment was taken away because I could always guess exactly what was going to happen and what do you know, they happened. However, I did like your story overall and found it touching.
Overall score: 75/100
Title: Painful Truth
Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/Twirlpop01/
Reviewer: Rachi @ Lost Shadows
Title: 5/5 ~ I actually really liked your title because it was something that I wouldn’t have expected for your story and it did catch my attention as a non-stereotypical title.
Poster/Background: 7/10 ~ Well I’ll give you props for first time I guess but I’d suggest requesting one next time until you have time to really work on those photoshopping skills!
Forewords: 2/5 ~ This wasn’t exactly a formal forewords; I don’t know if you meant it to be that way or if you just didn’t want to write an intro or something but in either case I can’t give you points on it. For Winglin specifically, an introduction or forewords is expected in the first chapter and should give the reader an attention-grabbing sense of what will happen in the story.
Plot: 12/15 ~ Your plot was good for the most part but there wasn’t anything that was specifically unique about it that drew my attention and made it more memorable than all the other stories I’ve read. It was interesting and entertained but I feel like it was too stereotypical and there just wasn’t enough “feel” to it.
Flow: 8 /10 ~ I wasn’t overly impressed by the transitions because there were parts where I got confused. Like the part where they’re at the tree and he dies…are they still at the tree when he dies or are they back in the hospital? I think more description about their location would have better helped readers transition back and forth in your story.
Spelling/Grammer/Vocabulary: 12/15 ~ I definitely spotted a couple of weird phrasing and past-present tense confusion throughout your story, here is an example:
“He promised me he will not leave me but he just did-“
It should be “He promised he WOULD not leave me” or “He promised me he WOULDN’T leave me.”
And
“I thought I’m going to be okay but I can’t seem to move on.”
It should be “I thought I was going to be okay-“
And
“I thought he was the perfect man I would spend the rest of my life with but he just proved me wrong. He broke up with me. He turned his back and left me.”
There are run-on sentences here. Try:
“I thought he was the perfect man THAT I would spend the rest of my life with but he just proved me wrong; he broke up with me, he turned his back and left me.”
Mistakes like these were all over the places and they’re the type that you don’t notice if you’re just reading through it quickly but once you start delving, it gets SUPER annoying.
Characterization: 8/10 ~ This was pretty typical. You characterized just enough so that we know what the characters are supposed to be like but not so that we feel like we actually know them, or so that we really, really care what happens to them. Basically, do more characterizing next time; it adds color and uniqueness to your story.
Orginality: 4/10 ~ Not original. Some people say that there are only around 35 different plots out there and maybe they’re right. The trick is not to try to think of completely original plots (because it’s pretty much impossible) but to take one that has already been used many times and but your own spin to it. I feel like this whole storyline was SO typical. There was a complete lack of the element of surprise; it was nonexistent. One thing you could have changed to make it more unique might have been to start the story a little before him getting sick and breaking up with her. You could have showed us how their relationship was before that, how much they loved each other, and then the sudden break-up. Not only would that have been less stereotypical, it would’ve also been more interesting and we then could have related to the characters’ emotions.
Writing style: 9/10 ~ Overall I liked your writing style because it was clear and fit the mood. I would suggest using a larger range of vocabulary next time.
Overall enjoyment: 8/10 ~ Some of my enjoyment was taken away because I could always guess exactly what was going to happen and what do you know, they happened. However, I did like your story overall and found it touching.
Overall score: 75/100
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