Author: tubbyGENx3
Story title: Tik Tok [CCM Challenge]
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/challengeOO1/
Reviewer: mg6991
Title: 5/5
- Seeing that you used the song title for the title of your one-shot, I think that it suits your story very well. It is also an unusual title for me which can attract the eye of a reader.
Poster/Background: 10/10
- I just love your poster! I think that it really suits the mood of your story!
Forewords: 3/5
- I think that when it comes in writing something in the Forewords section, you should really put up a short summary of the story and not just a part from the story itself. You should also put up a short description of your characters.
Plot: 11/15
- I have seen a lot of plots like these. It’s a very common plot actually, but you’re one of the authors that have written this plot nicely.
Flow: 9/10
- The flow was nicely done, not too fast, not too draggy. Well done!!
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 14/15
- Although I have seen only a few mistakes, your grammar was alright. But you don’t always have to use a semi-colon.
Characterization: 9/10
- I can really tell the personalities of your characters. Nice work!
Originality: 8/10
- Even though it was a common plot, your style of writing made it unique.
Writing style: 10/10
- Keep up the good work! Your writing style is good!
Overall enjoyment: 7/10
- I’m not really a fan of happy endings but you’re happy ending is one of the bests I have ever seen.
Overall score: 87/100
- Keep doing your best! I can see that your one of the best writers out there!!
Wednesday, 16 June 2010
Saturday, 12 June 2010
An Eye through My Heart, for the Sight of You by Phoebe a.k.a Phebs
Author: Phoebe a.k.a Phebs
Story title: An Eye through My Heart, for the Sight of You
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/bj_phebs/
Reviewer: ShadowYin
SYNote: Sorry for this long review…I hope this helps you in future when you're writing, and I hope this doesn't offend you in any way or form.
Title: 4/5
It’s original, and it interested me a lot. However, the ‘for’ I think the ‘f’ should be capitalised? Also, it’s a bit long so it wouldn’t be one of those titles which I would be able for a long time.
Poster/Background: 10/10
You know I love your works :) I really love the quote you included as well.
Forewords: 3/5
I loved the imagery and it was a brilliant opening to the fanfic. However, what lost you marks was mainly your grammar along with a few awkward sentence structures here and there which disturbed the flow of your story. Also, there were moments where I didn’t quite understand what you were trying to say.
At the end, Jaejoong claimed: ‘It was a scary feeling.’
He got hit by a car, and that short sentence wasn’t enough to convince me that he had just been hit by a car. What about the pain, the shock and the blood? Remember, people aren’t really that logically when something unexpected happens. I think you could have developed that sentence a lot more. The main thing about this sentence is your use of words, ‘scary’ is not powerful enough for this situation.
Finally, you lost marks on the level of description. Your descriptions were written beautifully until Boa was screaming because the car crashed into Jaejoong. How would she be screaming it? The moment when the car crashed into Jaejoong allowed you to leave an impact on the reader. In fact, you could’ve taken readers’ breath away if you added more description to the scene.
Plot: 10/15
Your plot has potential to be strong, but it’s not. The idea that Jaejoong is a blind pianist already makes your fanfic different from others. Therefore, it would be nice to see more description in the beginning to make the plot more solid.
Your plot really allowed you to explore into the characters, the surroundings etc. So I would’ve liked to see more of it.
The dream, I can’t say its cliché, because it’s not and it did leave an impact on me which was right at the end in chapter 6. Maybe the dream was going a little bit too long? For example, some scenes with Minho weren’t really necessary.
The plot got more interesting near the end, but I suppose it was the build up from the beginning that created that impact. It would’ve been better if it was amazing all the way through.
The puzzling thing for me about the plot is I would’ve thought his parents would want to find a donor for their son. Some parents are even willing to donate their own eyes just so their children could see. I really think you should’ve explored deeper into the love between parents and children. If some parents are willing to make such sacrifices for their children, why would they be against them looking for a donor?
Flow: 6/10
In all honesty, your flow wasn’t that great. In some areas, I thought that if you placed a line in a new paragraph and possibly expand on it, the flow would have been better.
Remember, the flow connects with the punctuation, sentence/paragraph structure as well as vocabulary. You don’t want readers to pause when unnecessary nor do you want them to stumble on awkward sentence structures.
Example of what you wrote:
BoA suddenly let out a shriek as she missed a step and stumbled unbalance, about to fall to the ground. Reacting quick, Jaejoong reached a hand out to grab her hand and she was pulled to his embrace. Still leaning against his chest, she lifted her head up to meet his face and saw he was chuckling.
Note: You have about ten things going on in that little paragraph, and it feels more like you’re trying to list what’s going on in your head. Listing is effective when you list out adjectives or adverbs, not sentences. Tip: Take time to think about the image you’ve got in your mind before putting it into words. There’s no need to rush.
Edited example of the first sentence:
BoA suddenly let out a high-pitched shriek as she accidently missed a step which caused her to lose her balance, resulting in her falling helplessly from her stance. (See how adjectives could be used to pad sentences out? Also, a variation of connectives enables your sentences to flow better rather than using ‘and’ all the time.)
Some parts, I thought was going WAY too fast, then when I realised it was all a dream, the flow made more sense, since it’s natural for dreams to move at a faster pace in my opinion. However, the flow at the beginning could still be worked on.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 9.5/15
Firstly, I’ve nagged a lot of requesters about this. Even though you don’t do it as often, I would still like to see a wider range of connectives used rather than the repetition of ‘and’. It is THE worst enemy of writers, please avoid it.
IN THE FOREWORDS
You wrote:
‘…which little kid won’t have their own little world where their wildest imagination come to life.’ – It’s a question; therefore you lacked the question mark at the end.
My version:
‘…which little kid wouldn’t have their own little world where their wildest imagination could come to life?’
You wrote:
‘I told her much innocently…’ – Personally I think ‘told her innocently’ or ‘told her with much innocent’ would sound better.
You wrote:
‘…causing me to shrank’ – ‘causing’ is present tense ‘shrank’ is past. It would have made more sense if you said ‘which caused me to shrank’ or ‘causing me to shrink’
You wrote:
‘…after the car crashed on me.’ – ‘crashed INTO’ not ‘on’
CHAPTER ONE
You wrote: She had all these years blamed herself for that accident, but he never once put that thought in his mind, because he knew…
My version: She had BLAMED HERSELF FOR ALL THESE YEARS for that accident, but he never once put that thought in mind, because he knew…
You wrote: BoA walked over to the piano and stood beside Jaejoong as he started to play the piano, letting its melody filled the air around the mall.
Notes: You already mentioned piano once, so no need to mention it again, also it’s ‘fill’ not ‘filled’ as you have used ‘letting’ before it.
Minor errors like ‘Mino’ in chapter 3 when you meant ‘Minho’
‘Boost’ in chapter 4 should be ‘boast’
Tip: proof read.
Characterization: 8/10
I loved the characterization here. How Jaejoong knows Boa really well and how Boa tries to protect him.
However, Boa and Minho’s characters aren’t so believable when Minho was doing his confession. I was like: ‘is that all he’s going to say?’ and ‘how can she act so calmly?!’
I loved that fact that you stuck to simple language when writing about Jaejoong and Boa when they were young. Also, in chapter 6, I could really see the desperation of Jaejoong when Boa was about to die. The characterisation in that chapter was simply incredible, especially Nicole’s character.
Originality: 7/10
Blind playing the piano, I can’t really say it’s original because it’s not. I’ve actually read, watched a lot of media regarding the blind, and each one was so unique and original at the same time that I just couldn’t forget about it. With your fanfic, you didn’t really use Jaejoong’s blindness as an advantage to unleash your creativity. Although there were quite a few original elements in there, details and description is what motivates me to give you marks in this section. You had a moderate amount of those, but not enough to convince me that it’s original.
More marks were given due to the originality at the end where Jaejoong explains that he only needed one eye through his heart to see Boa.
Writing style: 8.5/10
Enough criticizing, time for some praises.
I saw some fantastic uses of:
Alliteration
Metaphors
Similes
Rhetorical questions
Personification
A good balance between dialogue and description
However, I think it’s important that you add a description about how the characters deliver their lines after the dialogue. It leaves readers to wonder if they were timid, arrogant etc.
Overall enjoyment: 9/10
I enjoyed it a lot. Chapter 6 amazed me. It was my kind of chapter. The point where the exact same thing happened Jaejoong actually happened to Boa took my breath away. It was like pulling me back to the beginning. Although I would’ve liked it more if there were more description at the beginning. Also, without those minor errors would’ve been perfect.
I really would’ve wanted to read how devastated Jaejoong would’ve been at the time when he realised he was blind. I thought it would’ve made the story even more heart throbbing, but that’s my opinion.
Overall score: 75/100
Story title: An Eye through My Heart, for the Sight of You
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/bj_phebs/
Reviewer: ShadowYin
SYNote: Sorry for this long review…I hope this helps you in future when you're writing, and I hope this doesn't offend you in any way or form.
Title: 4/5
It’s original, and it interested me a lot. However, the ‘for’ I think the ‘f’ should be capitalised? Also, it’s a bit long so it wouldn’t be one of those titles which I would be able for a long time.
Poster/Background: 10/10
You know I love your works :) I really love the quote you included as well.
Forewords: 3/5
I loved the imagery and it was a brilliant opening to the fanfic. However, what lost you marks was mainly your grammar along with a few awkward sentence structures here and there which disturbed the flow of your story. Also, there were moments where I didn’t quite understand what you were trying to say.
At the end, Jaejoong claimed: ‘It was a scary feeling.’
He got hit by a car, and that short sentence wasn’t enough to convince me that he had just been hit by a car. What about the pain, the shock and the blood? Remember, people aren’t really that logically when something unexpected happens. I think you could have developed that sentence a lot more. The main thing about this sentence is your use of words, ‘scary’ is not powerful enough for this situation.
Finally, you lost marks on the level of description. Your descriptions were written beautifully until Boa was screaming because the car crashed into Jaejoong. How would she be screaming it? The moment when the car crashed into Jaejoong allowed you to leave an impact on the reader. In fact, you could’ve taken readers’ breath away if you added more description to the scene.
Plot: 10/15
Your plot has potential to be strong, but it’s not. The idea that Jaejoong is a blind pianist already makes your fanfic different from others. Therefore, it would be nice to see more description in the beginning to make the plot more solid.
Your plot really allowed you to explore into the characters, the surroundings etc. So I would’ve liked to see more of it.
The dream, I can’t say its cliché, because it’s not and it did leave an impact on me which was right at the end in chapter 6. Maybe the dream was going a little bit too long? For example, some scenes with Minho weren’t really necessary.
The plot got more interesting near the end, but I suppose it was the build up from the beginning that created that impact. It would’ve been better if it was amazing all the way through.
The puzzling thing for me about the plot is I would’ve thought his parents would want to find a donor for their son. Some parents are even willing to donate their own eyes just so their children could see. I really think you should’ve explored deeper into the love between parents and children. If some parents are willing to make such sacrifices for their children, why would they be against them looking for a donor?
Flow: 6/10
In all honesty, your flow wasn’t that great. In some areas, I thought that if you placed a line in a new paragraph and possibly expand on it, the flow would have been better.
Remember, the flow connects with the punctuation, sentence/paragraph structure as well as vocabulary. You don’t want readers to pause when unnecessary nor do you want them to stumble on awkward sentence structures.
Example of what you wrote:
BoA suddenly let out a shriek as she missed a step and stumbled unbalance, about to fall to the ground. Reacting quick, Jaejoong reached a hand out to grab her hand and she was pulled to his embrace. Still leaning against his chest, she lifted her head up to meet his face and saw he was chuckling.
Note: You have about ten things going on in that little paragraph, and it feels more like you’re trying to list what’s going on in your head. Listing is effective when you list out adjectives or adverbs, not sentences. Tip: Take time to think about the image you’ve got in your mind before putting it into words. There’s no need to rush.
Edited example of the first sentence:
BoA suddenly let out a high-pitched shriek as she accidently missed a step which caused her to lose her balance, resulting in her falling helplessly from her stance. (See how adjectives could be used to pad sentences out? Also, a variation of connectives enables your sentences to flow better rather than using ‘and’ all the time.)
Some parts, I thought was going WAY too fast, then when I realised it was all a dream, the flow made more sense, since it’s natural for dreams to move at a faster pace in my opinion. However, the flow at the beginning could still be worked on.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 9.5/15
Firstly, I’ve nagged a lot of requesters about this. Even though you don’t do it as often, I would still like to see a wider range of connectives used rather than the repetition of ‘and’. It is THE worst enemy of writers, please avoid it.
IN THE FOREWORDS
You wrote:
‘…which little kid won’t have their own little world where their wildest imagination come to life.’ – It’s a question; therefore you lacked the question mark at the end.
My version:
‘…which little kid wouldn’t have their own little world where their wildest imagination could come to life?’
You wrote:
‘I told her much innocently…’ – Personally I think ‘told her innocently’ or ‘told her with much innocent’ would sound better.
You wrote:
‘…causing me to shrank’ – ‘causing’ is present tense ‘shrank’ is past. It would have made more sense if you said ‘which caused me to shrank’ or ‘causing me to shrink’
You wrote:
‘…after the car crashed on me.’ – ‘crashed INTO’ not ‘on’
CHAPTER ONE
You wrote: She had all these years blamed herself for that accident, but he never once put that thought in his mind, because he knew…
My version: She had BLAMED HERSELF FOR ALL THESE YEARS for that accident, but he never once put that thought in mind, because he knew…
You wrote: BoA walked over to the piano and stood beside Jaejoong as he started to play the piano, letting its melody filled the air around the mall.
Notes: You already mentioned piano once, so no need to mention it again, also it’s ‘fill’ not ‘filled’ as you have used ‘letting’ before it.
Minor errors like ‘Mino’ in chapter 3 when you meant ‘Minho’
‘Boost’ in chapter 4 should be ‘boast’
Tip: proof read.
Characterization: 8/10
I loved the characterization here. How Jaejoong knows Boa really well and how Boa tries to protect him.
However, Boa and Minho’s characters aren’t so believable when Minho was doing his confession. I was like: ‘is that all he’s going to say?’ and ‘how can she act so calmly?!’
I loved that fact that you stuck to simple language when writing about Jaejoong and Boa when they were young. Also, in chapter 6, I could really see the desperation of Jaejoong when Boa was about to die. The characterisation in that chapter was simply incredible, especially Nicole’s character.
Originality: 7/10
Blind playing the piano, I can’t really say it’s original because it’s not. I’ve actually read, watched a lot of media regarding the blind, and each one was so unique and original at the same time that I just couldn’t forget about it. With your fanfic, you didn’t really use Jaejoong’s blindness as an advantage to unleash your creativity. Although there were quite a few original elements in there, details and description is what motivates me to give you marks in this section. You had a moderate amount of those, but not enough to convince me that it’s original.
More marks were given due to the originality at the end where Jaejoong explains that he only needed one eye through his heart to see Boa.
Writing style: 8.5/10
Enough criticizing, time for some praises.
I saw some fantastic uses of:
Alliteration
Metaphors
Similes
Rhetorical questions
Personification
A good balance between dialogue and description
However, I think it’s important that you add a description about how the characters deliver their lines after the dialogue. It leaves readers to wonder if they were timid, arrogant etc.
Overall enjoyment: 9/10
I enjoyed it a lot. Chapter 6 amazed me. It was my kind of chapter. The point where the exact same thing happened Jaejoong actually happened to Boa took my breath away. It was like pulling me back to the beginning. Although I would’ve liked it more if there were more description at the beginning. Also, without those minor errors would’ve been perfect.
I really would’ve wanted to read how devastated Jaejoong would’ve been at the time when he realised he was blind. I thought it would’ve made the story even more heart throbbing, but that’s my opinion.
Overall score: 75/100
The Shooting Star by eternalflower
Author: eternalflower
Story Title : The Shooting Star
Story URL: winglin.net/fanfic/eternalflower
Reviewer: ShadowYin | lostshadows.co.nr
Title: 1.5/5
- Nice use of alliteration
- A bit too simple though for my liking, also it’s not really that unique.
- Doesn’t really interest me much.
- She didn’t actually wish under a shooting star did she? The ending didn’t actually relate back to the title. Personally I thought a title which made reference to the ‘red umbrella’ would’ve gained you more marks, but that’s only my opinion.
Poster/Background: 9/10
- I love the poster, but one point is taken due to the title in the poster. Not really big or stands out to me. To me, titles are really important. And I admit, I’m a bit biased, I like the designer’s works :)
Forewords: 2/5
- Giving information and a basic summary is good. However, it included a lot of grammar mistakes. My suggestion is for you to proof read.
1. He was perfect, as everyone said [Slightly a weird way of phrasing in my opinion.]
2. It was just natural, you think [‘was’ – you’re talking in the past. ‘think’ – is in present tense.]
3. make it as a happy ending [No need for ‘as’]
4. I love him although, not because. [What do you mean?]
- Like I said, it was a bit awkward to read, but when it got to the poem, I liked it.
- However, it didn’t really interest me that much; it only gave me an impression that the story would be cliché.
Plot: 10/15
Started off a bit cliché, I liked the part where Jaejoong lost the game because you tried to shock your readers. However, because that was such a crucial turning point to your fanfic, I would’ve liked to see a longer description on how he actually lost the game.
Loved the Sunny and red umbrella. It was a great twist.
I liked the plot.
Flow: 6.5/10
Some sentences didn’t flow well which resulted in it being boring.
Some parts could’ve been developed so the speed of the fiction wouldn’t suddenly increase.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 9/15
A lot of ‘and’ used within your fanfic. I would suggest try to vary your connectives a bit more? It’s a boring word, so try not to use it too often, or throw in some other connectives.
You wrote:
‘traveled’ – It should be ‘travelled’ [Chapter 2]
You wrote:
‘I even bother to fell in love’ – I think ‘fell’ should ‘fall’. [Chapter 2]
You wrote:
‘…you're going to come…’ – should be ‘you’re going to go’. [Chapter 2]
Also, please read this:
"What? Don't tell me you're going to come to her classroom AND call out her name, dragging her to the backyard to tell her to just back off AND leave Kim Jaejoong alone because you like him AND it makes him yours AND you don't like sharing with anyone, especially not with her?"
1. The unnecessary repetition of ‘and’
2. It’s too long to be a sentence and you only had two comas. Please try read from ‘dragging’ to ‘anyone’ in one breathe then you would understand what I mean.
You wrote:
‘We were on different classes this year’ – supposed to be: ‘We ARE IN different classes this year’ [chapter 2]
You wrote:
‘…he never lose before’ – supposed to be: ‘he never LOST before’ [chapter 3]
You wrote:
‘I stepped one closer to him’ – I think you missed out the word ‘step’ [chapter 3]
You wrote:
“Yeah, I will. I’m not into badminton that much, actually. Well, I guess I’ll join a club with loose schedule, this time.” – Some of the comas were slightly unnecessary. Think it would be better like this:
“Yeah, I will. I’m not into badminton that much actually. Well, I guess I’ll join a club with a looser schedule this time.” [Chapter 5]
You wrote:
‘I quickly opened my bad’ – Should be ‘bag’ not ‘bad’. [Chapter 6]
Please proof read before posting your fanfic.
Characterization: 7/10
I was really impressed with your characterisation. Well done. Although, there were some part which I thought was quite awkward that made me wonder: ‘would they really do or say that?’ But generally, it was good.
Originality: 8/10
A bit cliché at the beginning, but I could see a bit of originality here and there. This mark would’ve been higher if you added something a little bit more creative at the beginning.
Writing style: 6.5/10
I see too many of ‘…’ going on. You can argue that you used it to show characterisation of the reader. However, to me it didn’t have that effect.
You had some good description in here.
I really liked your short paragraphs before your actual chapter; also I loved your format and structure as well.
However, I think your style can be linked to your vocabulary as well. Please vary your words a bit more, especially ‘and’, it gets really boring after reading it a lot of times.
Also, in one chapter, I caught you placing two dialogues from different speakers on the same line. Remember, different speaker, different line.
Overall enjoyment: 7.5/10
In all honesty, I was bored from the first half of the fiction. Then, I started to like it after reading a few more chapters. It’s a good fiction, but you just need to work on spelling/punctuation/grammar/vocabulary.
Loved the twists!
The last few chapters simply took my breath away :)
However, I would’ve liked it even more if you linked the ending with ‘shooting star’ rather than just what she wished for.
Overall score: 67/100
Story Title : The Shooting Star
Story URL: winglin.net/fanfic/eternalflower
Reviewer: ShadowYin | lostshadows.co.nr
Title: 1.5/5
- Nice use of alliteration
- A bit too simple though for my liking, also it’s not really that unique.
- Doesn’t really interest me much.
- She didn’t actually wish under a shooting star did she? The ending didn’t actually relate back to the title. Personally I thought a title which made reference to the ‘red umbrella’ would’ve gained you more marks, but that’s only my opinion.
Poster/Background: 9/10
- I love the poster, but one point is taken due to the title in the poster. Not really big or stands out to me. To me, titles are really important. And I admit, I’m a bit biased, I like the designer’s works :)
Forewords: 2/5
- Giving information and a basic summary is good. However, it included a lot of grammar mistakes. My suggestion is for you to proof read.
1. He was perfect, as everyone said [Slightly a weird way of phrasing in my opinion.]
2. It was just natural, you think [‘was’ – you’re talking in the past. ‘think’ – is in present tense.]
3. make it as a happy ending [No need for ‘as’]
4. I love him although, not because. [What do you mean?]
- Like I said, it was a bit awkward to read, but when it got to the poem, I liked it.
- However, it didn’t really interest me that much; it only gave me an impression that the story would be cliché.
Plot: 10/15
Started off a bit cliché, I liked the part where Jaejoong lost the game because you tried to shock your readers. However, because that was such a crucial turning point to your fanfic, I would’ve liked to see a longer description on how he actually lost the game.
Loved the Sunny and red umbrella. It was a great twist.
I liked the plot.
Flow: 6.5/10
Some sentences didn’t flow well which resulted in it being boring.
Some parts could’ve been developed so the speed of the fiction wouldn’t suddenly increase.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 9/15
A lot of ‘and’ used within your fanfic. I would suggest try to vary your connectives a bit more? It’s a boring word, so try not to use it too often, or throw in some other connectives.
You wrote:
‘traveled’ – It should be ‘travelled’ [Chapter 2]
You wrote:
‘I even bother to fell in love’ – I think ‘fell’ should ‘fall’. [Chapter 2]
You wrote:
‘…you're going to come…’ – should be ‘you’re going to go’. [Chapter 2]
Also, please read this:
"What? Don't tell me you're going to come to her classroom AND call out her name, dragging her to the backyard to tell her to just back off AND leave Kim Jaejoong alone because you like him AND it makes him yours AND you don't like sharing with anyone, especially not with her?"
1. The unnecessary repetition of ‘and’
2. It’s too long to be a sentence and you only had two comas. Please try read from ‘dragging’ to ‘anyone’ in one breathe then you would understand what I mean.
You wrote:
‘We were on different classes this year’ – supposed to be: ‘We ARE IN different classes this year’ [chapter 2]
You wrote:
‘…he never lose before’ – supposed to be: ‘he never LOST before’ [chapter 3]
You wrote:
‘I stepped one closer to him’ – I think you missed out the word ‘step’ [chapter 3]
You wrote:
“Yeah, I will. I’m not into badminton that much, actually. Well, I guess I’ll join a club with loose schedule, this time.” – Some of the comas were slightly unnecessary. Think it would be better like this:
“Yeah, I will. I’m not into badminton that much actually. Well, I guess I’ll join a club with a looser schedule this time.” [Chapter 5]
You wrote:
‘I quickly opened my bad’ – Should be ‘bag’ not ‘bad’. [Chapter 6]
Please proof read before posting your fanfic.
Characterization: 7/10
I was really impressed with your characterisation. Well done. Although, there were some part which I thought was quite awkward that made me wonder: ‘would they really do or say that?’ But generally, it was good.
Originality: 8/10
A bit cliché at the beginning, but I could see a bit of originality here and there. This mark would’ve been higher if you added something a little bit more creative at the beginning.
Writing style: 6.5/10
I see too many of ‘…’ going on. You can argue that you used it to show characterisation of the reader. However, to me it didn’t have that effect.
You had some good description in here.
I really liked your short paragraphs before your actual chapter; also I loved your format and structure as well.
However, I think your style can be linked to your vocabulary as well. Please vary your words a bit more, especially ‘and’, it gets really boring after reading it a lot of times.
Also, in one chapter, I caught you placing two dialogues from different speakers on the same line. Remember, different speaker, different line.
Overall enjoyment: 7.5/10
In all honesty, I was bored from the first half of the fiction. Then, I started to like it after reading a few more chapters. It’s a good fiction, but you just need to work on spelling/punctuation/grammar/vocabulary.
Loved the twists!
The last few chapters simply took my breath away :)
However, I would’ve liked it even more if you linked the ending with ‘shooting star’ rather than just what she wished for.
Overall score: 67/100
Come Back To Me by grpstrwbrry15
Name: grpstrwbrry15
Story Title: Come Back To Me
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/grpstrwbrry_01/
Reviewer: Airah
Title: 4/5
The title is simple and doesn't really catch my attention but it does fit the story so well.
Poster/Background: 8/10
I like the poster and background because it fits with the atmosphere and adds feelings into it.
Forewords: 5/5
I really like how you put part of the story in the forewords help the readers know what the story is about and that's what hooked me in the story. I like how you didn't include the personalities of the characters or anything about them other than the couple pairings because it helps keeps the story alive by getting the readers know who the characters are by themselves through the story.
Plot: 15/15
I like the plot since its based on a true story. It's very nice.
Flow: 10/10
Perfect. Not too slow nor fast.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 14.5/15
I noticed this:
Lucky Kibum-sshi (the landlord) is kind and generous. This is from the letter Jun Hee wrote.
I think that instead of lucky, it should be luckily.
But other than that, your grammar and vocabulary are good.
Characterization: 9.5/10
This is the kind of story where you can't really tell if you got to know the person well especially Junsu because of his problem. Same goes with Jaejoong and Kibum. The others we got to know pretty well.
Originality: 10/10
Very original. Since it is based on a true story and because I have never read something that was based on a true story.
Writing style: 10/10
Very easy and simple to understand.
Overall enjoyment: 10/10
I cried when Junsu came back to normal! I loved it! I love YooSu!
Overall score: 96/100
Story Title: Come Back To Me
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/grpstrwbrry_01/
Reviewer: Airah
Title: 4/5
The title is simple and doesn't really catch my attention but it does fit the story so well.
Poster/Background: 8/10
I like the poster and background because it fits with the atmosphere and adds feelings into it.
Forewords: 5/5
I really like how you put part of the story in the forewords help the readers know what the story is about and that's what hooked me in the story. I like how you didn't include the personalities of the characters or anything about them other than the couple pairings because it helps keeps the story alive by getting the readers know who the characters are by themselves through the story.
Plot: 15/15
I like the plot since its based on a true story. It's very nice.
Flow: 10/10
Perfect. Not too slow nor fast.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 14.5/15
I noticed this:
Lucky Kibum-sshi (the landlord) is kind and generous. This is from the letter Jun Hee wrote.
I think that instead of lucky, it should be luckily.
But other than that, your grammar and vocabulary are good.
Characterization: 9.5/10
This is the kind of story where you can't really tell if you got to know the person well especially Junsu because of his problem. Same goes with Jaejoong and Kibum. The others we got to know pretty well.
Originality: 10/10
Very original. Since it is based on a true story and because I have never read something that was based on a true story.
Writing style: 10/10
Very easy and simple to understand.
Overall enjoyment: 10/10
I cried when Junsu came back to normal! I loved it! I love YooSu!
Overall score: 96/100
Monday, 17 May 2010
Raisonnement, Confiance and Fric - Pararae
Name: Pararae
Story Title : Raisonnement, Confiance and Fric
Story URL: http://peaceful-pandemonium.blogspot.com/2010/04/raisonnement-confiance-and-fric.html
Reviewer: DarkAngel
Story Title : Raisonnement, Confiance and Fric
Story URL: http://peaceful-pandemonium.blogspot.com/2010/04/raisonnement-confiance-and-fric.html
Reviewer: DarkAngel
Title: 5/5
-Very nice! It captured the readers’ attention! It related to the story and was very creative. Good job!
Poster/Background: -/10
-No points for this, but the picture was very nice! I thought it looked pretty.
Forewords: 5/5
-I guess I can count the introduction as the forewords. If so, then 5 POINTS! It was very unique and creative to add in the definitions of the words. That isn’t seen often in stories, so kudos for that.
Plot: 14/15
-It was a creative and different plot. I liked it. It was interesting when I found out they were female assassins. You don’t see those around anymore! It was nice to read something unique and different.
Flow: 8/10
-I didn’t find it rushed, but it was slightly lagging or slow. Since this was a one shot drabble, I couldn’t exactly tell.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 14/15
-There were just a few typos and mistakes, but they weren’t huge ones. It’s one of those mistakes that are made when you type too fast and you don’t notice.
Characterization: 8/10
-You didn’t get to know the characters very well, like their past or experiences. It would have been better if you introduced the characters more.
Originality: 9/10
-Though the assassins were a nice touch, it sounded a little typical. I know I said that it was unique and different, but it could have been more. It would be more interesting if you added a twist or something like a “bang!”
Writing style: 8/10
-The paragraphs were a bit too big for me to read (probably because I’m younger). It was very detailed- perhaps too detailed for a one shot. It’s nice to tell a lot, but try to make it more simple. If it’s too formal, it’s more boring to read.
Overall enjoyment: 9/10
Overall score: 80/90
But No R - Susan Lee
Name: Susan Lee
Story Title : But No R
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/suxsan3/
Reviewer: DarkAngel
Story Title : But No R
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/suxsan3/
Reviewer: DarkAngel
Title: 5/5
-It was a pretty unique title. At first glance, I wondered what the story was about. Once I finished reading it, I finally understood why you named it what it was.
Poster/Background: 7/10
-The poster and BG were cute, but it was a little boring. The pictures kept repeating and there wasn’t anything very “eye-catching”. It was pretty though.
Forewords: 3/5
-I thought the forewords were a bit short. The little prologue or summary didn’t exactly describe the plot that well, but it gave a little information. The introduction of the characters were a little short and not very informative, but at least you added something about them.
Plot: 13/15
-The story was soothing and relaxing. I guess you can say it was cute. There wasn’t a big “bang” or a lot of excitement in there, so slightly bored me. Other than that, I thought it was good.
Flow: 9/10
-The flow was fine the way it was! The only thing was you didn’t add enough detail to help the reader visualize. It would have been better if you told a bit more.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 12/15
-There were many grammar mistakes in there. You switched from present tense to past tense often. You should change some of the “your” to “you’re”. That was one mistake I found. It would help if you reread what you wrote to make sure you didn’t make some silly mistakes.
Characterization: 8/10
-I can tell the personalities of the characters, but I can’t exactly imagine what happened very well. It wasn’t exactly detailed.
Originality: 9/10
-It was a simple plot, but it was also unique in a way.
Writing style: 8/10
-It looked too spaced out. You should make paragraphs before you indent. The way you write was fine, but paragraphs just make it look more professional. I liked the way you mentioned the thoughts of your characters. It was humorous :)
Overall enjoyment: 9/10
-It was very nice! Good job!
Overall score: 83/100
Friday, 30 April 2010
It was the ticking - Jtoasn
Author: Jtoasn
Story Title : It was the ticking
Story URL: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5824814/1/It_was_the_ticking
Reviewer: ShadowYin | lostshadows.co.nr
Story Title : It was the ticking
Story URL: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5824814/1/It_was_the_ticking
Reviewer: ShadowYin | lostshadows.co.nr
Title: 5/5
Unique, related, catchy.
Poster/Background: -/10
Forewords: -/5
Plot: 12/15
Not really strong, but it’s good for a one shot. It makes people see a different side of Malfoy.
Flow: 10/10
Good flow throughout! Nicely controlled. The pace increases with his thoughts…I like it.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 12/15
They're dying to meet you" (Where’s the full stop?)
No, that's not what he wanted. (Quite confused since he doesn’t have a wife yet, shouldn’t it be ‘No, that’s not what he wants’.)
Since he’s talking about the future, shouldn’t it be written in future tense instead of past?
…he wasn't even sure that there was a girl that would want him. (…he wasn’t even sure if there would be a girl out there that would want him.) -Your sentence makes me think that he already has a girl who wants him…?-
I think vocabulary can be better. Some words could be changed to make this writing even more powerful.
Also, sometimes I thought that it wasn’t necessary for some of your sentences to be that long.
Characterization: 9/10 –
Not much I can say, since it’s only based on Malfoy’s character. I think, a little bit more description in there would really bring out his character more.
Originality: 8/10 –
Seeing a different side of a character, Malfoy thinking of his future wife…It’s original. Just because I gave 8/10 doesn’t mean it’s not original, but I simply think that a different side of someone is quite common. Also, when reading the top few sentences, it was already quite obvious how the story was going to end as well as giving the readers the idea of what it’s actually about. I personally think that if there was a twist somewhere, it would’ve gotten you full marks.
Writing style: 8/10 –
I see…
Rhetorical questions
Repetition
Similes
Alliteration
Overall enjoyment: 7/10
I love this couple. Too short for my liking, but it’s really sweet.
Overall score: 71/85 (84%)
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