Title: Of Cotton Candy and Confetti Eggs.
Author: aznchika.
Reviewer: Shweta@lostshadows.co.nr
Title: 4.5/5.
- 'Of Cotton Candy And Confetti Eggs' is an unusual and very promising title. The title does help your story in terms of what to expect because after I read that I was sure it'd be a funny story. This kind of title is used very little though not only in the Internet Fanfic writing world but in the huge writing world out there. If people would use it, it'd be more as a chapter name than a story name. And you must be wondering why I cut that point five? Well I didn't want to really but I thought it'd be a reminder for you for the rest of your stories in the future. Every title must have every first letter of every word in upper case letters. It should be 'Of Cotton Candy And Confetti Eggs' and not 'Of Cotton Candy and Confetti Eggs'.
Poster/Background: N/A
- I really think this short story deserves a nice little cute cover, and you should get one.
Forewords: 3/5.
- A really well organized and neat foreword. Simple and basic and it had everything a foreword should have, so much so that I felt if you didn't have this or that it would actually have been better. Since it's a one shot I was surprised you had a character description, because after you read that it feels repetitive once you have it in your story too. Although having the prologue after the Characters part would be the right order.
Your prologue seemed more like a summary than a real prologue. A prologue is what happens before the real story starts. Like for example the prologue for this story, although not needed, would be about Yunho's point of view on Jaejoong, how he talks about him and his crush on him, and how he's hiding it, or about them going together to the fair. Basically it's about what happens before the story starts and an epilogue is about what happens after the story ends, for example where the characters are now, etc. Therefore what you have in your forewords would be a summary and not a prologue.
Plot: 15/15.
- It was a fun story and really cute and also funny, and the plot reflected that. It was about a normal day in a teenager's life. (Less than half a day, actually). And about a little prank gone wrong benefiting the lead and letting his relationship with his crush take another step towards being made. I am glad you kept it simple, and I really think you're cut out for writing short stories at least. A very simple and basic story, which you brought to life with your characters and your writing. Good job.
Flow: 10/10.
- I think it went smoothly, the flow was perfect, the mood was right and not once did I get distracted. Sure it's a one shot, but sometimes the flow and the story could distract a girl to such an extent that reading ten lines would take three days. Your writing is very good, and you really did a wonderful job, so much so that I don't want to minus a single point from any category. I really did crave for some more, and am glad you requested from our site.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 14/15.
- I did try to find some mistakes, spelling and grammar, and found just one passable mistake. The rest depend on the author's writing style so I wouldn't call them mistakes.
Jae couldn’t help but snickered - Jae couldn't help but snicker.
I'm not sure if this mistake was unintentional, but if it wasn't, then I hope this correction helps so you wont repeat it for similar sentences, in sentences like this where you talk about what the person is doing, though the words in the sentences might be in the past tense, but the verb would be in the present tense. And if it was unintentional then the way to avoid this one mistake itself would be by rechecking the story before submitting or having a friend, family member, or a beta reader check it for you. Also, keep an eye on the green or red lines that appear on MS Word, and right click and check the suggestions they give which would sometimes help too.
Characterization: 10/10.
- For a one shot, the characters seemed really lively and familiar. They were cute and friendly characters and really helped improve the story. The words you used and their tones and languages for when they spoke, made them come alive, and it didn't really matter if they were a secondary character or the main lead. You really do have a gift for writing.
Originality: 10/10.
- The theme might be borrowed, where the girl has a crush on the guy and a little accident helps them, but this one seemed different considering the story was about a guy who likes a guy, and it seemed normal to everyone around them which helped keep the mood light and didn't pull away from the main focus, the confetti eggs. Normally these are just a few incidents in a long story, and the end to the start the story was very unique.
Writing style: 9/10.
- As I must have mentioned twice before, you have a real gift for writing and should keep writing so you can improve and venture out into more genres. Although your style seems to fit perfectly for subtle humor and light-hearted romantic stories. Your language was good, although at some parts you used words that seemed out of place, for example...
Once the two received their cotton candy - Normally someone would say 'got' rather than 'received' and it seems sort of serious, I don't know if I can explain it but the word 'received' seems out of place for such a situation since it seems like someone is gifting that to them. 'Bought' or 'got' and maybe even 'collected' would seem a better choice.
Overall enjoyment: 10/10.
- Really loved and enjoyed your story. It had the right amount of romance and comedy for a short romantic story. It didn't matter if it was YAOI or a regular story either.
Overall score: 85/90.
Author: aznchika.
Reviewer: Shweta@lostshadows.co.nr
Title: 4.5/5.
- 'Of Cotton Candy And Confetti Eggs' is an unusual and very promising title. The title does help your story in terms of what to expect because after I read that I was sure it'd be a funny story. This kind of title is used very little though not only in the Internet Fanfic writing world but in the huge writing world out there. If people would use it, it'd be more as a chapter name than a story name. And you must be wondering why I cut that point five? Well I didn't want to really but I thought it'd be a reminder for you for the rest of your stories in the future. Every title must have every first letter of every word in upper case letters. It should be 'Of Cotton Candy And Confetti Eggs' and not 'Of Cotton Candy and Confetti Eggs'.
Poster/Background: N/A
- I really think this short story deserves a nice little cute cover, and you should get one.
Forewords: 3/5.
- A really well organized and neat foreword. Simple and basic and it had everything a foreword should have, so much so that I felt if you didn't have this or that it would actually have been better. Since it's a one shot I was surprised you had a character description, because after you read that it feels repetitive once you have it in your story too. Although having the prologue after the Characters part would be the right order.
Your prologue seemed more like a summary than a real prologue. A prologue is what happens before the real story starts. Like for example the prologue for this story, although not needed, would be about Yunho's point of view on Jaejoong, how he talks about him and his crush on him, and how he's hiding it, or about them going together to the fair. Basically it's about what happens before the story starts and an epilogue is about what happens after the story ends, for example where the characters are now, etc. Therefore what you have in your forewords would be a summary and not a prologue.
Plot: 15/15.
- It was a fun story and really cute and also funny, and the plot reflected that. It was about a normal day in a teenager's life. (Less than half a day, actually). And about a little prank gone wrong benefiting the lead and letting his relationship with his crush take another step towards being made. I am glad you kept it simple, and I really think you're cut out for writing short stories at least. A very simple and basic story, which you brought to life with your characters and your writing. Good job.
Flow: 10/10.
- I think it went smoothly, the flow was perfect, the mood was right and not once did I get distracted. Sure it's a one shot, but sometimes the flow and the story could distract a girl to such an extent that reading ten lines would take three days. Your writing is very good, and you really did a wonderful job, so much so that I don't want to minus a single point from any category. I really did crave for some more, and am glad you requested from our site.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 14/15.
- I did try to find some mistakes, spelling and grammar, and found just one passable mistake. The rest depend on the author's writing style so I wouldn't call them mistakes.
Jae couldn’t help but snickered - Jae couldn't help but snicker.
I'm not sure if this mistake was unintentional, but if it wasn't, then I hope this correction helps so you wont repeat it for similar sentences, in sentences like this where you talk about what the person is doing, though the words in the sentences might be in the past tense, but the verb would be in the present tense. And if it was unintentional then the way to avoid this one mistake itself would be by rechecking the story before submitting or having a friend, family member, or a beta reader check it for you. Also, keep an eye on the green or red lines that appear on MS Word, and right click and check the suggestions they give which would sometimes help too.
Characterization: 10/10.
- For a one shot, the characters seemed really lively and familiar. They were cute and friendly characters and really helped improve the story. The words you used and their tones and languages for when they spoke, made them come alive, and it didn't really matter if they were a secondary character or the main lead. You really do have a gift for writing.
Originality: 10/10.
- The theme might be borrowed, where the girl has a crush on the guy and a little accident helps them, but this one seemed different considering the story was about a guy who likes a guy, and it seemed normal to everyone around them which helped keep the mood light and didn't pull away from the main focus, the confetti eggs. Normally these are just a few incidents in a long story, and the end to the start the story was very unique.
Writing style: 9/10.
- As I must have mentioned twice before, you have a real gift for writing and should keep writing so you can improve and venture out into more genres. Although your style seems to fit perfectly for subtle humor and light-hearted romantic stories. Your language was good, although at some parts you used words that seemed out of place, for example...
Once the two received their cotton candy - Normally someone would say 'got' rather than 'received' and it seems sort of serious, I don't know if I can explain it but the word 'received' seems out of place for such a situation since it seems like someone is gifting that to them. 'Bought' or 'got' and maybe even 'collected' would seem a better choice.
Overall enjoyment: 10/10.
- Really loved and enjoyed your story. It had the right amount of romance and comedy for a short romantic story. It didn't matter if it was YAOI or a regular story either.
Overall score: 85/90.
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