Love Wanting Losing

Title - Love Wanting Losing
URL - http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/11267/loving-wanting-losing-oneshot
Reviewer - Darkess @ lostshadows.co.nr


Title: 5/5

Poster/Background:
N/A

Forewords: 2/5

The scenery description was beautifully written, but you did not foreshadow anything that was in your story. Although I believe the writing itself could draw readers in, it would also be a good idea to try and incorporate a little bit of what your story is about or introduce some of the characters in your forewords to captivate your reader and make them want to read more before the story even begins.

Plot: 15/15

I loved the twist of the typical story at the end. Most stories have the confessions right before the marriage, but you chose to break readers hearts and have the realization that they are in love after he gets married. Brilliant. The whole story was absolutely stunning. I loved that they shouted their confessions on that day at the train station so that she didn't hear his. Their love was beautiful and plain to see. The storyline was well written and easy to follow.

Flow: 10/10

Your story flowed well. I love how you showed some of their college days and some of their little kid times before you finished it off with the wedding. The timing was very easy to follow, and I really appreciated that.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 14/15

You switch from past to present tense in the fourth paragraph of the story. It isn't something to worry about, but try to keep your story in one tense throughout.

you do it again in the line
I’d look forward to the following morning when I’d see you through the corridors, or the next night when classes are through and we would be on the field again.
in the fifteenth paragraph. do you see how in one sentence you switch from 'are through' to 'we would be' ? 'Are' should be 'were'

crying, without anyone to talk to. *paragraph 16*
No comma is necessary since the clause beginning with 'without' is the second half of the sentence

These were really the only things I found. Just watch for tenses and you'll be fine ;D

Characterization: 6/10

There could have been a lot more here. We barely know their personality or their looks from this two shot, and I wish we would know more about this beautiful couple. I understand that it's hard to fit things in in a two shot, but overall you did do a really good job. You made the characters relatable and you made them feel really bad for them in the end.

Originality: 7/10

I thought that the best friends falling in love was a little overused as was their parents being best friends. I loved the twist in the typical plot, as I stated before, and I believe that that was pretty unique.

Writing style: 10/10
Your writing is easy to follow. You are able to successfully weave all of your descriptive sentences into the storyline without making the story boring with your commentaruies. I wish there would have been a little more to the characters and the settings, but overall you did an amazing job. It is always nice to review a story where the author is actually fluent in the English language. Your sentence structure had the perfect deviations.

Overall enjoyment: 10/10

Let me just say that putting the music box at the bottom so that it started playing just as you read that section of the story was pure brilliance. Very creative, very original. The song fit perfectly as well and really added to the overall affect of the story. I love this two shot. You had me tearing up at the end.
Brilliant is the only word I can use to describe your story.

Overall score: 79/90