Author: Susan Lee
Title: Momento of Ours
Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/suxsan5/
Reviewer: Rachi @ Lost Shadows
Title: 4/5 ~ When I saw it, I was like “woahh Big Bang, much?” which was good because it immediately told me what I should expect. At the same time though, I wish it could have been a little more creative and not just simply a distinct line from a song.
Poster/Background: 10/10 ~ I liked the purple :] It fit the mood and was nice.
Forewords: 2/5 ~ Okay, I was so confused and still am. There were major problems with the flow/transitions in your forewords; nothing made sense. You go from a first person POV talking about something wrong with Daesung to narrator/theoretical question about someone named Uee (who hasn’t been introduced and is random) to talking about a mani pedi. I had no idea until about 5 minutes ago (after reviewing everything a couple of times) that it was supposed to be from Uee’s POV. I don’t know what to say, it was just weird and confusing.
Plot: 14/15 ~ Well, it’s definitely suspenseful (it’s still on-going, right?). I was completely hooked the whole time. There were however, a couple of parts that were confusing and I think you could have clarified on, like the parts where Daesung has flashbacks/delusions about Minkyung and when he hears her crying on the other side of the wall. Like, why was she there with them? I feel like you could have elaborated a bit on how they were in the same room because it feels like they would notice each other being in the same room and all, but it’s not until Daesung’s POV that we find out he’s in the same room, watching Uee on the news.
Flow: 7/10 ~ I don’t know what it was but the way certain scenes and transitions were in your story made it all very confusing and muddled. The scenes I’ve mentioned above, and especially the very end. Did he like faint or something and is that why he was falling from the bed? And why he wants to be “hurt” and is telling her to forget him slowly….why slowly? It contradicts what he says about him wanting to “hurt” because wouldn’t forgetting him slowly hurt her too? Transitions need some work.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 13/15 ~ Spelling was good but there was some weird phrasing throughout the story. I’ll take the ending of the 3rd chapter as an example:
“Can you just leave me and forget me…” should be “Could you just leave me and forget me…” or “Can’t you just leave me and forget me…”
“So I can be hurt…” I don’t know what you’re trying to say here but it’s phrased weird. Are you trying to say that he can hurt alone? It should be “So I can hurt…” or better yet, “So I can hurt alone…”
You should go back and review your story for similar mistakes.
Characterization: 7/10 ~ I don’t feel like you characterized Minkyung enough. This is bad, considering she is one of your main characters. After reading through the chapters, I just don’t feel like I know her at all. It just seems that she’s a sad little person recovering from a break-up. It’s so stereotypical and I don’t feel like you give us enough details about her personality to say “oh, okay I really get this girl.” It’s just like, okay here’s a girl who got broken up with and is sad, the end.
Originality: 9/10 ~ It’s not exactly the most original plotline I’ve ever seen (the girl getting broken up with because the guy loves her enough to not be with her because there’s this other girl threatening him with something) but I think that you’ve managed to make it interesting enough to keep me reading and it’s definitely entertaining.
Writing style: 10/10 ~ I like the simplicity and how your paragraphs and story is organized into a very clear format. I would suggest using a larger range of vocabulary next time.
Overall enjoyment: 8/10 ~ I loved it because it was entertaining, I didn’t like it because some parts were confusing and there wasn’t enough characterizing/details.
Overall score: 84/100
Thursday, 11 March 2010
My Love... My Enemy... by phantom knight
Author: phantom knight
Title: My Love... My Enemy...
Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/ML_ME/
Reviewer: DarkAngel @ Lost Shadows
Title: 4/5
-You could have been more creative with the title, but it fits the story. Just judging by the title, it has an enemy/lover plot. But it catches them off guard because the girl is usually the main in the story with the boy being the aggressive one.
Poster/Background: 10/10
-I really like your poster and background. Ryeowon is really pretty and even seems in character. It reminds me of a movie poster.
Forewords: 5/5
-It included the characters and some information about them, a little preview of the plot that left the reader wanting more, and it was suspenseful (Yes, suspenseful XD). It has pretty much everything that the forewords were supposed to have.
Plot: 14/15
-It’s the usual enemy-into-lover plot where two enemies end up liking each other. But you switched the places and that made the story more interesting. The main boy ended up being the school nerd while the girl was the school bully. You don’t see that often. Kudos for that!
Flow: 10/10
-The flow was fine. It wasn’t too fast and it wasn’t too slow either.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 13/15
-There were a few grammar mistakes but they were minor. Your vocabulary is okay also, though you could have added some more words. I didn’t really see any spelling errors.
Characterization: 10/10
-You kind of made Ryeowon a mary-sue, which I don’t usually like. It’s okay for this story since she’s supposed to be aggressive and a bully. Geun Suk is really unique. He’s a loser, but very talented and good-looking, which is hard to find nowadays. I really like the characters and I can see the chemistry between them. Full points!
Originality: 9/10
-Of course, the enemy-lover plot is commonly seen. But you made a huge twist, turning it into a unique and more interesting story. Kudos for that!
Writing style: 10/10
-I don’t really have a problem with your writing. It’s fine just the way it is ^^
Overall enjoyment: 8/10
-It includes some of the usual plots of the other stories, which slightly made me uninterested. Other than that, it was fine!
Overall score: 93/100
*SORRY FOR THE LONG WAIT! I HOPE THIS HELPS!
Title: My Love... My Enemy...
Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/ML_ME/
Reviewer: DarkAngel @ Lost Shadows
Title: 4/5
-You could have been more creative with the title, but it fits the story. Just judging by the title, it has an enemy/lover plot. But it catches them off guard because the girl is usually the main in the story with the boy being the aggressive one.
Poster/Background: 10/10
-I really like your poster and background. Ryeowon is really pretty and even seems in character. It reminds me of a movie poster.
Forewords: 5/5
-It included the characters and some information about them, a little preview of the plot that left the reader wanting more, and it was suspenseful (Yes, suspenseful XD). It has pretty much everything that the forewords were supposed to have.
Plot: 14/15
-It’s the usual enemy-into-lover plot where two enemies end up liking each other. But you switched the places and that made the story more interesting. The main boy ended up being the school nerd while the girl was the school bully. You don’t see that often. Kudos for that!
Flow: 10/10
-The flow was fine. It wasn’t too fast and it wasn’t too slow either.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 13/15
-There were a few grammar mistakes but they were minor. Your vocabulary is okay also, though you could have added some more words. I didn’t really see any spelling errors.
Characterization: 10/10
-You kind of made Ryeowon a mary-sue, which I don’t usually like. It’s okay for this story since she’s supposed to be aggressive and a bully. Geun Suk is really unique. He’s a loser, but very talented and good-looking, which is hard to find nowadays. I really like the characters and I can see the chemistry between them. Full points!
Originality: 9/10
-Of course, the enemy-lover plot is commonly seen. But you made a huge twist, turning it into a unique and more interesting story. Kudos for that!
Writing style: 10/10
-I don’t really have a problem with your writing. It’s fine just the way it is ^^
Overall enjoyment: 8/10
-It includes some of the usual plots of the other stories, which slightly made me uninterested. Other than that, it was fine!
Overall score: 93/100
*SORRY FOR THE LONG WAIT! I HOPE THIS HELPS!
Painful Truth by Twirlpop
Author: Twirlpop
Title: Painful Truth
Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/Twirlpop01/
Reviewer: Rachi @ Lost Shadows
Title: 5/5 ~ I actually really liked your title because it was something that I wouldn’t have expected for your story and it did catch my attention as a non-stereotypical title.
Poster/Background: 7/10 ~ Well I’ll give you props for first time I guess but I’d suggest requesting one next time until you have time to really work on those photoshopping skills!
Forewords: 2/5 ~ This wasn’t exactly a formal forewords; I don’t know if you meant it to be that way or if you just didn’t want to write an intro or something but in either case I can’t give you points on it. For Winglin specifically, an introduction or forewords is expected in the first chapter and should give the reader an attention-grabbing sense of what will happen in the story.
Plot: 12/15 ~ Your plot was good for the most part but there wasn’t anything that was specifically unique about it that drew my attention and made it more memorable than all the other stories I’ve read. It was interesting and entertained but I feel like it was too stereotypical and there just wasn’t enough “feel” to it.
Flow: 8 /10 ~ I wasn’t overly impressed by the transitions because there were parts where I got confused. Like the part where they’re at the tree and he dies…are they still at the tree when he dies or are they back in the hospital? I think more description about their location would have better helped readers transition back and forth in your story.
Spelling/Grammer/Vocabulary: 12/15 ~ I definitely spotted a couple of weird phrasing and past-present tense confusion throughout your story, here is an example:
“He promised me he will not leave me but he just did-“
It should be “He promised he WOULD not leave me” or “He promised me he WOULDN’T leave me.”
And
“I thought I’m going to be okay but I can’t seem to move on.”
It should be “I thought I was going to be okay-“
And
“I thought he was the perfect man I would spend the rest of my life with but he just proved me wrong. He broke up with me. He turned his back and left me.”
There are run-on sentences here. Try:
“I thought he was the perfect man THAT I would spend the rest of my life with but he just proved me wrong; he broke up with me, he turned his back and left me.”
Mistakes like these were all over the places and they’re the type that you don’t notice if you’re just reading through it quickly but once you start delving, it gets SUPER annoying.
Characterization: 8/10 ~ This was pretty typical. You characterized just enough so that we know what the characters are supposed to be like but not so that we feel like we actually know them, or so that we really, really care what happens to them. Basically, do more characterizing next time; it adds color and uniqueness to your story.
Orginality: 4/10 ~ Not original. Some people say that there are only around 35 different plots out there and maybe they’re right. The trick is not to try to think of completely original plots (because it’s pretty much impossible) but to take one that has already been used many times and but your own spin to it. I feel like this whole storyline was SO typical. There was a complete lack of the element of surprise; it was nonexistent. One thing you could have changed to make it more unique might have been to start the story a little before him getting sick and breaking up with her. You could have showed us how their relationship was before that, how much they loved each other, and then the sudden break-up. Not only would that have been less stereotypical, it would’ve also been more interesting and we then could have related to the characters’ emotions.
Writing style: 9/10 ~ Overall I liked your writing style because it was clear and fit the mood. I would suggest using a larger range of vocabulary next time.
Overall enjoyment: 8/10 ~ Some of my enjoyment was taken away because I could always guess exactly what was going to happen and what do you know, they happened. However, I did like your story overall and found it touching.
Overall score: 75/100
Title: Painful Truth
Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/Twirlpop01/
Reviewer: Rachi @ Lost Shadows
Title: 5/5 ~ I actually really liked your title because it was something that I wouldn’t have expected for your story and it did catch my attention as a non-stereotypical title.
Poster/Background: 7/10 ~ Well I’ll give you props for first time I guess but I’d suggest requesting one next time until you have time to really work on those photoshopping skills!
Forewords: 2/5 ~ This wasn’t exactly a formal forewords; I don’t know if you meant it to be that way or if you just didn’t want to write an intro or something but in either case I can’t give you points on it. For Winglin specifically, an introduction or forewords is expected in the first chapter and should give the reader an attention-grabbing sense of what will happen in the story.
Plot: 12/15 ~ Your plot was good for the most part but there wasn’t anything that was specifically unique about it that drew my attention and made it more memorable than all the other stories I’ve read. It was interesting and entertained but I feel like it was too stereotypical and there just wasn’t enough “feel” to it.
Flow: 8 /10 ~ I wasn’t overly impressed by the transitions because there were parts where I got confused. Like the part where they’re at the tree and he dies…are they still at the tree when he dies or are they back in the hospital? I think more description about their location would have better helped readers transition back and forth in your story.
Spelling/Grammer/Vocabulary: 12/15 ~ I definitely spotted a couple of weird phrasing and past-present tense confusion throughout your story, here is an example:
“He promised me he will not leave me but he just did-“
It should be “He promised he WOULD not leave me” or “He promised me he WOULDN’T leave me.”
And
“I thought I’m going to be okay but I can’t seem to move on.”
It should be “I thought I was going to be okay-“
And
“I thought he was the perfect man I would spend the rest of my life with but he just proved me wrong. He broke up with me. He turned his back and left me.”
There are run-on sentences here. Try:
“I thought he was the perfect man THAT I would spend the rest of my life with but he just proved me wrong; he broke up with me, he turned his back and left me.”
Mistakes like these were all over the places and they’re the type that you don’t notice if you’re just reading through it quickly but once you start delving, it gets SUPER annoying.
Characterization: 8/10 ~ This was pretty typical. You characterized just enough so that we know what the characters are supposed to be like but not so that we feel like we actually know them, or so that we really, really care what happens to them. Basically, do more characterizing next time; it adds color and uniqueness to your story.
Orginality: 4/10 ~ Not original. Some people say that there are only around 35 different plots out there and maybe they’re right. The trick is not to try to think of completely original plots (because it’s pretty much impossible) but to take one that has already been used many times and but your own spin to it. I feel like this whole storyline was SO typical. There was a complete lack of the element of surprise; it was nonexistent. One thing you could have changed to make it more unique might have been to start the story a little before him getting sick and breaking up with her. You could have showed us how their relationship was before that, how much they loved each other, and then the sudden break-up. Not only would that have been less stereotypical, it would’ve also been more interesting and we then could have related to the characters’ emotions.
Writing style: 9/10 ~ Overall I liked your writing style because it was clear and fit the mood. I would suggest using a larger range of vocabulary next time.
Overall enjoyment: 8/10 ~ Some of my enjoyment was taken away because I could always guess exactly what was going to happen and what do you know, they happened. However, I did like your story overall and found it touching.
Overall score: 75/100
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