Painful Truth by Twirlpop

Author: Twirlpop

Title: Painful Truth

Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/Twirlpop01/

Reviewer: Rachi @ Lost Shadows



Title: 5/5 ~ I actually really liked your title because it was something that I wouldn’t have expected for your story and it did catch my attention as a non-stereotypical title.



Poster/Background: 7/10 ~ Well I’ll give you props for first time I guess but I’d suggest requesting one next time until you have time to really work on those photoshopping skills!



Forewords: 2/5 ~ This wasn’t exactly a formal forewords; I don’t know if you meant it to be that way or if you just didn’t want to write an intro or something but in either case I can’t give you points on it. For Winglin specifically, an introduction or forewords is expected in the first chapter and should give the reader an attention-grabbing sense of what will happen in the story.



Plot: 12/15 ~ Your plot was good for the most part but there wasn’t anything that was specifically unique about it that drew my attention and made it more memorable than all the other stories I’ve read. It was interesting and entertained but I feel like it was too stereotypical and there just wasn’t enough “feel” to it.



Flow: 8 /10 ~ I wasn’t overly impressed by the transitions because there were parts where I got confused. Like the part where they’re at the tree and he dies…are they still at the tree when he dies or are they back in the hospital? I think more description about their location would have better helped readers transition back and forth in your story.



Spelling/Grammer/Vocabulary: 12/15 ~ I definitely spotted a couple of weird phrasing and past-present tense confusion throughout your story, here is an example:



“He promised me he will not leave me but he just did-“

It should be “He promised he WOULD not leave me” or “He promised me he WOULDN’T leave me.”



And



“I thought I’m going to be okay but I can’t seem to move on.”

It should be “I thought I was going to be okay-“



And



“I thought he was the perfect man I would spend the rest of my life with but he just proved me wrong. He broke up with me. He turned his back and left me.”



There are run-on sentences here. Try:

“I thought he was the perfect man THAT I would spend the rest of my life with but he just proved me wrong; he broke up with me, he turned his back and left me.”



Mistakes like these were all over the places and they’re the type that you don’t notice if you’re just reading through it quickly but once you start delving, it gets SUPER annoying.





Characterization: 8/10 ~ This was pretty typical. You characterized just enough so that we know what the characters are supposed to be like but not so that we feel like we actually know them, or so that we really, really care what happens to them. Basically, do more characterizing next time; it adds color and uniqueness to your story.



Orginality: 4/10 ~ Not original. Some people say that there are only around 35 different plots out there and maybe they’re right. The trick is not to try to think of completely original plots (because it’s pretty much impossible) but to take one that has already been used many times and but your own spin to it. I feel like this whole storyline was SO typical. There was a complete lack of the element of surprise; it was nonexistent. One thing you could have changed to make it more unique might have been to start the story a little before him getting sick and breaking up with her. You could have showed us how their relationship was before that, how much they loved each other, and then the sudden break-up. Not only would that have been less stereotypical, it would’ve also been more interesting and we then could have related to the characters’ emotions.



Writing style: 9/10 ~ Overall I liked your writing style because it was clear and fit the mood. I would suggest using a larger range of vocabulary next time.



Overall enjoyment: 8/10 ~ Some of my enjoyment was taken away because I could always guess exactly what was going to happen and what do you know, they happened. However, I did like your story overall and found it touching.



Overall score: 75/100