Recollections (Two shot) by still_doll_15

Author: still_doll_15

Title: Recollections (Two shot)

Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/stilldoll02/

Reviewer: Rachi @ Lost Shadows



Title: 5/5 ~ I really liked your title. At first glance, it was interesting enough that it pulled me in and I could see how it related to your story.



Poster/Background: 10/10 ~ Loved this. The boys look great and the poster encompasses your story’s mood without being too heavy and moody. I loved your background as well, I could read the text perfectly; everything came together really well.



Forewords: 4/5 ~ It could’ve been better. I feel like the intro was mainly summarizing in this one big paragraph; you almost never want to do that for a forewords. This is the first thing that readers look at to decide whether they want to read this or not and two important things catch their attention. One is the format, if it’s one lengthy paragraph, it turns people off. You want to try for short sentences that are dramatic and attention-grabbing. The second is that you never want to summarize. This is because most people can then guess what’s going to happen and it ruins the surprise element. Instead, try asking questions that get readers thinking “oh, yeah this could happen…or what about this?”



Plot: 13/15 ~ I liked how you put the story together by gathering pieces of memories from the characters. This made the plot really interesting and nice to read. I also loved your ending; it was very natural and progressive. The only thing was that it was a bit too cliche for me.



Flow: 11/10 ~ So, this was really confusing. There were too many changes like in the point of views and in between flashbacks and reality. I understand that this is just the way your plot goes but you could have possibly formatted it a little better so it would’ve made it clearer and understandable. There were too many hearts to keep track of what meant which.



Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 14/15 ~ The spelling was pretty good and I liked your choice of vocabulary to fit the theme. There were a few cases of grammar issues such as:



“If only Yoochun got to him then, there wouldn’t be much of a conflict right now… If only he wasn’t too absorbed in himself and his work, Junsu would still be here… If only he knew then… but it was too late.”



There are tense issues here because the narrator is reflecting on this so they should be past tense. Also, there shouldn’t be capitalization if the periods are reflecting thought (i.e “…..”) so it should be:



“If only Yoochun had gotten him then, there wouldn’t be much of a conflict right now…if only he hadn’t been so absorbed in himself and his work, Junsu would still be here… If only he knew then… but it was too late.



Characterization: 9/10 ~ I’d say that for the material that you were working, which is a two-shot, you did a pretty good job characterizing. I liked that you did a lot of “showing” instead of “telling.” My only problem was that you didn’t do enough of it. I realize that it’s a short story but deep characterization and development of the characters are extremely important to look out for in the future.



Originality: 8/10 ~ It wasn’t that original, it really wasn’t. Things were very predictable and I could usually tell what was going to happen before it did. However, I loved your unique way of telling the story. This just made it really relatable and I know it’s hard to think of a completely original idea that has never been used before.



Writing style: 8/10 ~ Once again, the confusing switches bothered me because I felt like I was never completely on the same page but besides that, I love your way with words and how unique it is.



Overall enjoyment: 9/10 ~ I don’t really enjoy reading yaoi stories but that didn’t affect my overall liking for the story simply because the way you told it made everything come together and work out. Just work on that format and be a little more creative next time. Besides that, you’ve pretty much got everything down!



Overall score: 91/100