Momento of Ours by Susan Lee

Author: Susan Lee

Title: Momento of Ours

Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/suxsan5/

Reviewer: Rachi @ Lost Shadows



Title: 4/5 ~ When I saw it, I was like “woahh Big Bang, much?” which was good because it immediately told me what I should expect. At the same time though, I wish it could have been a little more creative and not just simply a distinct line from a song.



Poster/Background: 10/10 ~ I liked the purple :] It fit the mood and was nice.



Forewords: 2/5 ~ Okay, I was so confused and still am. There were major problems with the flow/transitions in your forewords; nothing made sense. You go from a first person POV talking about something wrong with Daesung to narrator/theoretical question about someone named Uee (who hasn’t been introduced and is random) to talking about a mani pedi. I had no idea until about 5 minutes ago (after reviewing everything a couple of times) that it was supposed to be from Uee’s POV. I don’t know what to say, it was just weird and confusing.



Plot: 14/15 ~ Well, it’s definitely suspenseful (it’s still on-going, right?). I was completely hooked the whole time. There were however, a couple of parts that were confusing and I think you could have clarified on, like the parts where Daesung has flashbacks/delusions about Minkyung and when he hears her crying on the other side of the wall. Like, why was she there with them? I feel like you could have elaborated a bit on how they were in the same room because it feels like they would notice each other being in the same room and all, but it’s not until Daesung’s POV that we find out he’s in the same room, watching Uee on the news.



Flow: 7/10 ~ I don’t know what it was but the way certain scenes and transitions were in your story made it all very confusing and muddled. The scenes I’ve mentioned above, and especially the very end. Did he like faint or something and is that why he was falling from the bed? And why he wants to be “hurt” and is telling her to forget him slowly….why slowly? It contradicts what he says about him wanting to “hurt” because wouldn’t forgetting him slowly hurt her too? Transitions need some work.



Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 13/15 ~ Spelling was good but there was some weird phrasing throughout the story. I’ll take the ending of the 3rd chapter as an example:



“Can you just leave me and forget me…” should be “Could you just leave me and forget me…” or “Can’t you just leave me and forget me…”



“So I can be hurt…” I don’t know what you’re trying to say here but it’s phrased weird. Are you trying to say that he can hurt alone? It should be “So I can hurt…” or better yet, “So I can hurt alone…”



You should go back and review your story for similar mistakes.



Characterization: 7/10 ~ I don’t feel like you characterized Minkyung enough. This is bad, considering she is one of your main characters. After reading through the chapters, I just don’t feel like I know her at all. It just seems that she’s a sad little person recovering from a break-up. It’s so stereotypical and I don’t feel like you give us enough details about her personality to say “oh, okay I really get this girl.” It’s just like, okay here’s a girl who got broken up with and is sad, the end.



Originality: 9/10 ~ It’s not exactly the most original plotline I’ve ever seen (the girl getting broken up with because the guy loves her enough to not be with her because there’s this other girl threatening him with something) but I think that you’ve managed to make it interesting enough to keep me reading and it’s definitely entertaining.



Writing style: 10/10 ~ I like the simplicity and how your paragraphs and story is organized into a very clear format. I would suggest using a larger range of vocabulary next time.



Overall enjoyment: 8/10 ~ I loved it because it was entertaining, I didn’t like it because some parts were confusing and there wasn’t enough characterizing/details.



Overall score: 84/100