Raindrops by Ana

Author: Ana
Story Title : Raindrops
Story URL: http://winglin.net/fanfic/_raindrops
Reviewer: ShadowYin | lostshadows.co.nr

Title: 3.5/5 – simple, related. Not very creative though.

Poster/Background: 8/10 – it’s very beautiful, however wouldn’t it be better to possibly include a picture of Junsu as well?

Forewords: 3/5 – Too simple for my liking, and also a bit cliché. It’s not enough to catch my interest. However it’s nice.

Plot: 9.5/15 – To be honest, it’s short and there weren’t much to it. The plot itself is quite cliché, the ‘one-sided’ love. I still think it was quite weird, since in the dialogue it appears that it was Aecha who told Junsu to confess, but then she owed her like to Iseul because she encountered the scene. Well…was she not the one who gave him the advice to begin with? I really think this plot it quite weak, and there’s not much to support this. The make it better, I think add in more description and possibly more emotive language to give the readers a better idea of what’s going on. I know one-shots are meant to be short, but the trick with one-shots is using the minimum words which create the biggest impact. For your one-shot, I think you need more words for that impact.

Flow: 7/10 - When it was the dialogue, I thought you could’ve added so much more in that section because for me, it was going too fast. Description slows down the pace of the story. It was going really well until it was dialogue after dialogue, and at that point all the emotions just seemed to disappear. You see, before it was a very emotional piece of writing, and the dialogue which lacked description made me feel like you rushed to get to the end of the story.

EX:
Then, covering his face with both hands, he screamed the most agonizing sound to Aecha's ears. The sound lasted for only a few seconds. (Then what? This sentence feels unfinished…?)

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 12.5/15
No much to say, but here’s a few things I spotted:

You wrote:
He might as well had burst into the tears he was clearly holding back. (Slightly award…? There could be so many possibilities of how this sentence can be phrased, but I’m not going to list them because I’m not sure which one you actually want…)

You wrote:
Aecha rubbed her eyes, where she wasn't sure if tears or rain was making it sting,

My version:
Aecha rubbed her eyes, where she wasn't sure if IT WAS THE tears or THE rain THAT was making it sting…

You wrote:
Awkward laughter

My suggestion:
He gave an awkward laughter.
Vocabulary could’ve also been improved. Since this piece of writing had potential to have a lot of imageries and descriptions, good vocabulary would be requires, however I didn’t think the vocabulary was that great. There were a lot of words where I thought was a bit weak?

Example:
You wrote:
…she wouldn't have let go of the weight that was slowly killing her…

My suggestion:
Add a few words, change a few like:
…she wouldn’t have the courage to let go of the weight that was slowly suffocating her…
My opinion, the ‘killing’ in your sentence was just a tad bit weak, but it’s still good.

Characterization: 6.5/10 – I think there’s something wrong with Aecha. She advised Junsu to confess, then she threw a tantrum at him over the phone and he still doesn’t know what’s going on.
Especially when Junsu asked ‘where are you’ and she replied with ‘I don’t know’, how can she not know where she is? What I found surprising was the fact that Junsu didn’t find it strange.

Something strange about the character:
"I feel like I've just taken a load off of my shoulders." He sounded regretful. (So is he being sarcastic about it? Please don’t presume your readers would know what you mean, because they probably don’t.)

Junsu…He really doesn’t sound like a guy in this fic, I’m sorry but by reading the dialogue he sounds really bitchy. (He might be feminine in her fic, I don’t know…but I just find it awkward.)

Originality: 7/10 – Once again, not really original to me. Think it would be better if you added a twist to it.

Writing style: 8/10 - Loved the opening! But then I started to dislike the style. At the end, it was starting to lack details. It was easy to understand, but I think it can still be improved.

Overall enjoyment: 9/10
It was short, simple, and nice. I like it :)

Overall score: 74/100