It was the ticking - Jtoasn

Author: Jtoasn
Story Title : It was the ticking
Story URL: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5824814/1/It_was_the_ticking
Reviewer: ShadowYin | lostshadows.co.nr

Title: 5/5

Unique, related, catchy.

Poster/Background: -/10

Forewords: -/5

Plot: 12/15

Not really strong, but it’s good for a one shot. It makes people see a different side of Malfoy.

Flow: 10/10

Good flow throughout! Nicely controlled. The pace increases with his thoughts…I like it.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 12/15

They're dying to meet you" (Where’s the full stop?)

No, that's not what he wanted. (Quite confused since he doesn’t have a wife yet, shouldn’t it be ‘No, that’s not what he wants’.)

Since he’s talking about the future, shouldn’t it be written in future tense instead of past?

…he wasn't even sure that there was a girl that would want him. (…he wasn’t even sure if there would be a girl out there that would want him.) -Your sentence makes me think that he already has a girl who wants him…?-

I think vocabulary can be better. Some words could be changed to make this writing even more powerful.

Also, sometimes I thought that it wasn’t necessary for some of your sentences to be that long.

Characterization: 9/10 –

Not much I can say, since it’s only based on Malfoy’s character. I think, a little bit more description in there would really bring out his character more.

Originality: 8/10 –

Seeing a different side of a character, Malfoy thinking of his future wife…It’s original. Just because I gave 8/10 doesn’t mean it’s not original, but I simply think that a different side of someone is quite common. Also, when reading the top few sentences, it was already quite obvious how the story was going to end as well as giving the readers the idea of what it’s actually about. I personally think that if there was a twist somewhere, it would’ve gotten you full marks.

Writing style: 8/10 –

I see…

Rhetorical questions

Repetition

Similes

Alliteration

Overall enjoyment: 7/10

I love this couple. Too short for my liking, but it’s really sweet.

Overall score: 71/85 (84%)