Story Title: My Fat Husband Became An Idol
Story URL: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/15099/my-fat-husband-became-an-idol-jonghyun-korean-minho-onew
Reviewer: ShadowYin | lostshadows.co.nr
Title: 5/5
Straight forward, related, simply and to the point. I think it should be 'an Idol' instead of 'An Idol', but I'm not feeling that mean today, so I didn't take any marks off that. Full marks.
Poster/Background: 7/10
Good use of pictures and colours.
Forewords: 3.5/5
[You didn’t have a foreword, so this is marked on your description]
The best thing about your description is that it’s short and pleasant. However, what’s pulling your mark down here is your use of short, snappy sentences, and it creates a dull effect. The description was nice, but it didn’t flow very well as you were listing and this could easily bore the reader. Your mark here is also pulled down but your lack of spacing between some words.
Yet, your last two sentences created the greatest impact.
‘He came back for revenge. What will happen to these love birds?’
It was short and to the point, and your rhetorical question really causes the readers to think, wondering what would happen next. Brilliant.
Plot: 14.5/15
Amazing plot is all I have to say. Very original and not the ordinary love story you normally find.
Flow: 6/10
At some points, it felt so fast. For example: when Jonghyun first met Jihye after his debut. At that point I feel that a lot of things could’ve been elaborated. Such as Onew’s emotions when he saw Jonghyun. When Jonghyun kissed the girl, what did Jihye feel?
At some point, it even felt scripted.
Example of what you wrote:
Jihye ah , wae? " Onew concerned , with food in his mouth.
" Oh? Aniya. " I smiled.
Then I continued frying.
I walked out with a plate of 10 chickens in my hands.
I understand that she was angry and that this was written from her point of view, but I do believe this section could’ve been elaborated.
My suggestion (this is just an example of how it could’ve been elaborated; you probably wouldn’t want this kind of wording):
“Jihye ah , wae? " Onew asked with concern whilst munching the food in his mouth.
"Oh? Aniya,” I smiled innocently so he wouldn’t be troubled by my emotions.
I continued frying with anger and distress, wondering what Jonghyun was planning. Once I was finished, I walked out with a plate of 10 chickens in my hands.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 10/15
Throughout your fiction, I’ve found that you had a lot of spacing errors.
Example: [What you wrote – My version]
I know I'm young , but who cares? - I know I'm young, but who cares?
Well,I'm not shabby either. - Well, I'm not shabby either.
Grammar errors:
You wrote:
He have got the jawline that makes you scream
My version:
He has got the jawline that makes you scream (I think it’s ‘jaw line’, but I’m not too sure)
You wrote:
" Do you think that he've got somekind of disease or something?
My version:
"Do you think he has some kind of disease or something?”
You wrote:
" YAH KIMJONGHYUN. YOU HAVEN PAY. " (Okies, I know Jihye was angry at this point, but grammar is still important.)
My version:
"YAH KIM JONGHYUN, YOU HAVEN’T PAID.”
Spelling:
Spreaded – there’s no such word
Common and meet me alright? – Common means ordinary, I think you mean ‘come on’
She've – I don’t think this is correct. I think it should be: ‘She’s got a boyfriend already’
She've – I don’t think this is correct. I think it should be: ‘She’s got a boyfriend already’
Advice: Proof read.
Characterization: 8/10
At the beginning, your characterisation was good until it came to where she was considering the divorce. She talks a lot to her friend about her feeling, but it would be interesting to read a short description of her true personal feelings of the time.
A lot of emotions were portrayed through dialogue; it would be nice to read descriptions about their feelings every now and again.
Characters were believable most of the time, so that’s brilliant. But the fact that this story is based around idols made it less convincing. Minho and Jino stalking Jihye, where’s the paparazzi? Surly someone would want to sell the news of the idols to the paparazzi.
Originality: 10/10
The conflict isn’t very original, as this often occurs between couples, yet you portrayed it in your style which made it very fun to read.
Writing style: 7/10
I love the way you always ended your chapters with a sort of cliff-hanger, it’s really effective and makes the readers want to read on.
What I strongly recommend is more descriptions to balance out the dialogue. To me, there are still a lot of dialogues even though I noticed you did try to use some description here and there. What I’m trying to say is there’s not enough balance between the two in order to bring out the full potential of your story.
Overall enjoyment: 8/10
I actually enjoyed reading your story, even though it wasn’t the type of story I’d normally read. It was simple, fun, interesting and original. Hwaiting! (If I wasn’t marking you on your English, this score will be higher.)
Overall score: 79/100
I hope this helps :)
No comments:
Post a Comment