Story Title: we're same but different status
Author: riz-2611
URL: www.winglin.net/fanfic/riz02
Reviewed by: Moon Mistress @ Lost Shadows
(Note, I am reviewing as I read so don’t mind me if I start contradicting myself :D)
Title: 3/5
Well just like I pointed out the title is not grammatically accurate but I guess it kind of fit your story… :D which is good :D
Poster & Background: 7/10
The thing I like about the graphics used in your poster is that the pictures of Chun and Ella are all rather bright and it fits their character in your story “helpful and kind”. However, the words were really hard to read because the orange kind of blended into the background.
Forewords: 2.5/5
Although you gave me their characteristics, you failed to tell me what I should expect to see in this story which might prove to be a disadvantage especially for people whom are reading for content because they won’t even know what to expect. Oh and its good that you chose to add bullet points for each character’s profile but you might want to consider leaving a line because it make the whole thing neater. :D
Your last sentence gives me the feeling that you are going to write in the first person. Because you used lots of “we”.
Plot: 11/15
I would say that it strikes out from the other Cinderella story because your prince here doesn’t have a sad past thus resulting in him to turn into a cool an aloof person. But I must say that you were just moving too fast for my liking and erm, all that grammatical errors were there throughout the whole story and it totally made the whole story lose a certain amount of potential.
Flow: 6/10
I think the flow at first was right but you soon started going REALLY fast… it was like they feel in love so… instantly? And then the whole marriage and proposal part, it was moving too fast for me.
Spelling, Grammar, Vocabulary & Punctuation: 4/10
Many, many errors here. Especially grammatical errors… And I’ve got to admit that I am REALLY strict in this area… :D And do you know that your title isn’t grammatically accurate? I think that it should be something like “We’re similar but of different status”?
So I shall just rewrite a little of your first chapter. (Note: I think that it should be “I met him” :D)
Well this is my life, working as a part-time cashier to pay my school fees. I will never give my life up because I have a mother to care for. But I would never tell her about my part-time job as she would be upset and worried that I might tire myself out.
Just like clockwork, I finished at 8 in the evening and went to the store room to get my bag and clothes. However, someone entered the store when I wanted to.
“Who’s there?” I shouted but there was no reply, “Stop play around with me!” but there was still no reply.
I looked around and saw a guy hiding behind some boxes.
“What are you doing here?” I asked.
The guy, surprised, stood up and about to run but I pulled his shirt.
“Were you trying to peek at me while I change?” I asked angrily.
“Huh? Me? Spying on you?” he said, “Don’t you know who I am?” he asked.
“No, but I know you are a pervert!” I replied angrily.
Oh, you might want to get rid of all that said and consider using other terms instead so that your story wouldn’t seem so mundane. :D
Characterization: 6.5/10
Your story developed too quickly for me to see how your characters react… thus it wasn’t easy to see if you developed them nicely. However, I must say that Selina’s character when she realized that she had a crush on Jiro was a little well… rushed?
Originality: 6.5/10
The thing that is special about your story is a nice celebrity instead of the usual cool and mean kinds. But it is still a rich and perfect guy with a well, less perfect girl?
Writing Style: 3.5/5
Writing in Ella’s point of view. Cool! I mean yes unique I guess but you might want to show different people’s thoughts too. And perhaps whilst doing that you might be able to create more suspense in the story.
Overall Enjoyment: 7.5/10
It was good except for the few errors I pointed out, grammatical and speed. :D
Total: 57.5/100
Hm, well don’t take the score too harshly because it is just numbers. Instead, I think that you should try to improve instead because the comments are actually the one that REALLY matters. And sad to say, the Moon Mistress is attempting to be a strict and cruel reviewer so yes… you get me :D
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