Author: still_doll_15
Title: Recollections (Two shot)
Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/stilldoll02/
Reviewer: Rachi @ Lost Shadows
Title: 5/5 ~ I really liked your title. At first glance, it was interesting enough that it pulled me in and I could see how it related to your story.
Poster/Background: 10/10 ~ Loved this. The boys look great and the poster encompasses your story’s mood without being too heavy and moody. I loved your background as well, I could read the text perfectly; everything came together really well.
Forewords: 4/5 ~ It could’ve been better. I feel like the intro was mainly summarizing in this one big paragraph; you almost never want to do that for a forewords. This is the first thing that readers look at to decide whether they want to read this or not and two important things catch their attention. One is the format, if it’s one lengthy paragraph, it turns people off. You want to try for short sentences that are dramatic and attention-grabbing. The second is that you never want to summarize. This is because most people can then guess what’s going to happen and it ruins the surprise element. Instead, try asking questions that get readers thinking “oh, yeah this could happen…or what about this?”
Plot: 13/15 ~ I liked how you put the story together by gathering pieces of memories from the characters. This made the plot really interesting and nice to read. I also loved your ending; it was very natural and progressive. The only thing was that it was a bit too cliche for me.
Flow: 11/10 ~ So, this was really confusing. There were too many changes like in the point of views and in between flashbacks and reality. I understand that this is just the way your plot goes but you could have possibly formatted it a little better so it would’ve made it clearer and understandable. There were too many hearts to keep track of what meant which.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 14/15 ~ The spelling was pretty good and I liked your choice of vocabulary to fit the theme. There were a few cases of grammar issues such as:
“If only Yoochun got to him then, there wouldn’t be much of a conflict right now… If only he wasn’t too absorbed in himself and his work, Junsu would still be here… If only he knew then… but it was too late.”
There are tense issues here because the narrator is reflecting on this so they should be past tense. Also, there shouldn’t be capitalization if the periods are reflecting thought (i.e “…..”) so it should be:
“If only Yoochun had gotten him then, there wouldn’t be much of a conflict right now…if only he hadn’t been so absorbed in himself and his work, Junsu would still be here… If only he knew then… but it was too late.
Characterization: 9/10 ~ I’d say that for the material that you were working, which is a two-shot, you did a pretty good job characterizing. I liked that you did a lot of “showing” instead of “telling.” My only problem was that you didn’t do enough of it. I realize that it’s a short story but deep characterization and development of the characters are extremely important to look out for in the future.
Originality: 8/10 ~ It wasn’t that original, it really wasn’t. Things were very predictable and I could usually tell what was going to happen before it did. However, I loved your unique way of telling the story. This just made it really relatable and I know it’s hard to think of a completely original idea that has never been used before.
Writing style: 8/10 ~ Once again, the confusing switches bothered me because I felt like I was never completely on the same page but besides that, I love your way with words and how unique it is.
Overall enjoyment: 9/10 ~ I don’t really enjoy reading yaoi stories but that didn’t affect my overall liking for the story simply because the way you told it made everything come together and work out. Just work on that format and be a little more creative next time. Besides that, you’ve pretty much got everything down!
Overall score: 91/100
Sunday, 14 February 2010
Every Child’s Fear by Darkess
Author: Darkess
Title: Every Child’s Fear
Link: http://winglin.net/fanfic/_darkness/
Reviewer: Rachi @ Lost Shadows
Title: 4/5 ~ I wished it could’ve been a tad more creative but hey, it fits the story perfectly well and it’s attention-grabbing.
Poster/Background: 10/10 ~ Your poster was nice and simple while at the same time, encompassing the mood and theme of your story. I didn’t have any trouble reading your text so the backgrounds perfect!
Forewords: 4/5 ~ The end of the forewords was really good because it was kind of like a cliff-hanger and was really exciting. I wish that you would’ve started it out more “formal” to fit the mood of your story though (i.e get rid of the “besides the typical “monsters under my bed and in my closet” because the conversationally casual tone there conflicts with the mood of the story)
Plot: 15/15 ~ Even though the storyline was pretty mellow, the language you used was able to make it dramatic and scary at just the right parts. It was a great choice to make this a one-shot because you were able to get all the details just right without elaborating it too much and make it dull.
Flow: 9/10 ~ For the most part, this was good. There were a few parts like when Kwon hears a BOOM that had me wondering where it came from, or why the light suddenly went off. The transitions here could have been a little smoother.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 13/15 ~ Spelling was all correct and your choice of vocabulary fit the story very well. There was a case of wrong punctuation:
“A young boy, not older than seven years, gladly carried his warm, folded, clean clothes into his small room.”
There are too many commas used in this sentence. The descriptive part about his clothes should either be cut down, or started in a new sentence.
Also,
“Jo never bothered to turn off the light, but behind his eyelids he suddenly realized that the brightness that surrounded him a few seconds ago had disappeared.”
There are a few things wrong with this sentence, such as tenses and missing punctuation. It should be corrected to:
“Jo had never bothered to turn off the light, but behind his eyelids, he suddenly realized that the brightness surrounding him a just a few seconds ago had disappeared.”
Also,
“A loud BOOM sounded nearby, and it made him jump.”
There shouldn’t be a comma after the nearby unless your sentence was changed to “A loud BOOM sounded nearby, making him jump.” Otherwise, it should be “A loud BOOM sounded nearby and it made him jump.”
Characterization: 10/10 ~ Considering that this was a short story, the characterization was pretty great. You did a lot of “showing” instead of “telling” with Kwon’s actions and thoughts. These expressed his personality very well.
Orginality: 10/10 ~ It was creative, that’s all I can say :]
Writing style: 10/10 ~ I loved your writing style and formatting. Everything was clear and readable. I also liked the way you used imagery and description…they added a lot to the story.
Overall enjoyment: 10/10 ~ It was so cute, not to mention unique. No drama or anything heavy like that, it was just a very carefree, happy story. I loved it.
Overall score: 95/100
Title: Every Child’s Fear
Link: http://winglin.net/fanfic/_darkness/
Reviewer: Rachi @ Lost Shadows
Title: 4/5 ~ I wished it could’ve been a tad more creative but hey, it fits the story perfectly well and it’s attention-grabbing.
Poster/Background: 10/10 ~ Your poster was nice and simple while at the same time, encompassing the mood and theme of your story. I didn’t have any trouble reading your text so the backgrounds perfect!
Forewords: 4/5 ~ The end of the forewords was really good because it was kind of like a cliff-hanger and was really exciting. I wish that you would’ve started it out more “formal” to fit the mood of your story though (i.e get rid of the “besides the typical “monsters under my bed and in my closet” because the conversationally casual tone there conflicts with the mood of the story)
Plot: 15/15 ~ Even though the storyline was pretty mellow, the language you used was able to make it dramatic and scary at just the right parts. It was a great choice to make this a one-shot because you were able to get all the details just right without elaborating it too much and make it dull.
Flow: 9/10 ~ For the most part, this was good. There were a few parts like when Kwon hears a BOOM that had me wondering where it came from, or why the light suddenly went off. The transitions here could have been a little smoother.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 13/15 ~ Spelling was all correct and your choice of vocabulary fit the story very well. There was a case of wrong punctuation:
“A young boy, not older than seven years, gladly carried his warm, folded, clean clothes into his small room.”
There are too many commas used in this sentence. The descriptive part about his clothes should either be cut down, or started in a new sentence.
Also,
“Jo never bothered to turn off the light, but behind his eyelids he suddenly realized that the brightness that surrounded him a few seconds ago had disappeared.”
There are a few things wrong with this sentence, such as tenses and missing punctuation. It should be corrected to:
“Jo had never bothered to turn off the light, but behind his eyelids, he suddenly realized that the brightness surrounding him a just a few seconds ago had disappeared.”
Also,
“A loud BOOM sounded nearby, and it made him jump.”
There shouldn’t be a comma after the nearby unless your sentence was changed to “A loud BOOM sounded nearby, making him jump.” Otherwise, it should be “A loud BOOM sounded nearby and it made him jump.”
Characterization: 10/10 ~ Considering that this was a short story, the characterization was pretty great. You did a lot of “showing” instead of “telling” with Kwon’s actions and thoughts. These expressed his personality very well.
Orginality: 10/10 ~ It was creative, that’s all I can say :]
Writing style: 10/10 ~ I loved your writing style and formatting. Everything was clear and readable. I also liked the way you used imagery and description…they added a lot to the story.
Overall enjoyment: 10/10 ~ It was so cute, not to mention unique. No drama or anything heavy like that, it was just a very carefree, happy story. I loved it.
Overall score: 95/100
Tuesday, 9 February 2010
One in a Million by jwyl
Author: jwyl
Title: One in a Million
Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/jwyl03/
Reviewer: Rachi @ Lost Shadows
Title: 4/5 ~ It was a bit too cliché for me and I wished it would’ve had a little more to do with your actual plot; yes she was “one in a million” but be more creative with it.
Poster/Background: 10/10 ~ I liked the poster, the small print at the bottom reminded me of a movie poster haha. The background was also very nice, I had no trouble reading the text at all.
Forewords: 4/5 ~ It definitely gave me a good idea as to what the story was about, but at the same time, I feel like it left little to the imagination. There was too much summarizing…next time, try asking more rhetorical questions.
Plot: 12/15 ~ For me, the plot was a bit bland. It’s not just that it wasn’t very original, it’s more that there weren’t many surprises in store. I could almost predict every single thing that was going to happen and they all happened exactly the way I thought they would. I feel like you stayed very “safe” for this story and although the plot and idea was okay, you could have done more with it.
Flow: 7/10 ~ The whole story felt a little rushed. I think that although this was a one-shot, a lot more detail could have been incorporated into the chapters to make them feel fuller and flow together better. The scene transitions were rather abrupt and things seemed to happen way too fast.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 13/15 ~ The spelling and vocabulary was pretty good, I liked your language and word choice because it fit the theme of the story very well. The grammar was a bit off in places like “I heard my friend, Junho call out to me as I placed the letter back into my bag and rushed over to start my warm-ups.” where there is a misplaced comma after “friend” and “I’m fine living as a whitewash Asian.” where it should be “whitewashed.” I think you’ll find punctuation errors and past/present-tense confusion like those throughout the story.
Characterization: 8/10 ~ A good author is able to give the reader both a mental image of the person as well as the feeling of actually knowing the person. This is accomplished through a lot of “showing,” where you get a sense of what the character is like through his/her actions and dialogue instead of “telling,” where the author directly relates to you what the character’s personality is. You didn’t use a lot of “telling” which is good but you could have used a LOT more “showing.”
Originality: 7/10 ~ I know it’s hard trying to think of a completely brand new idea for a story that has never been used before; it’s almost impossible. However, the trick is to take an idea that might have been used before many times but twist it to make it your own. I think this is the main thing that your story needed: creativity.
Writing style: 10/10 ~ I enjoyed your writing style; it was clear with nice formatted paragraphs, very easy to read.
Overall enjoyment: 8/10 ~ I think you have a lot of potential as a writer because you have a really great style and your language is pretty darn good. I just wish that you can be more creative in telling your story so that it can be unique among the others that are out there next time.
Overall score: 83/100
Title: One in a Million
Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/jwyl03/
Reviewer: Rachi @ Lost Shadows
Title: 4/5 ~ It was a bit too cliché for me and I wished it would’ve had a little more to do with your actual plot; yes she was “one in a million” but be more creative with it.
Poster/Background: 10/10 ~ I liked the poster, the small print at the bottom reminded me of a movie poster haha. The background was also very nice, I had no trouble reading the text at all.
Forewords: 4/5 ~ It definitely gave me a good idea as to what the story was about, but at the same time, I feel like it left little to the imagination. There was too much summarizing…next time, try asking more rhetorical questions.
Plot: 12/15 ~ For me, the plot was a bit bland. It’s not just that it wasn’t very original, it’s more that there weren’t many surprises in store. I could almost predict every single thing that was going to happen and they all happened exactly the way I thought they would. I feel like you stayed very “safe” for this story and although the plot and idea was okay, you could have done more with it.
Flow: 7/10 ~ The whole story felt a little rushed. I think that although this was a one-shot, a lot more detail could have been incorporated into the chapters to make them feel fuller and flow together better. The scene transitions were rather abrupt and things seemed to happen way too fast.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 13/15 ~ The spelling and vocabulary was pretty good, I liked your language and word choice because it fit the theme of the story very well. The grammar was a bit off in places like “I heard my friend, Junho call out to me as I placed the letter back into my bag and rushed over to start my warm-ups.” where there is a misplaced comma after “friend” and “I’m fine living as a whitewash Asian.” where it should be “whitewashed.” I think you’ll find punctuation errors and past/present-tense confusion like those throughout the story.
Characterization: 8/10 ~ A good author is able to give the reader both a mental image of the person as well as the feeling of actually knowing the person. This is accomplished through a lot of “showing,” where you get a sense of what the character is like through his/her actions and dialogue instead of “telling,” where the author directly relates to you what the character’s personality is. You didn’t use a lot of “telling” which is good but you could have used a LOT more “showing.”
Originality: 7/10 ~ I know it’s hard trying to think of a completely brand new idea for a story that has never been used before; it’s almost impossible. However, the trick is to take an idea that might have been used before many times but twist it to make it your own. I think this is the main thing that your story needed: creativity.
Writing style: 10/10 ~ I enjoyed your writing style; it was clear with nice formatted paragraphs, very easy to read.
Overall enjoyment: 8/10 ~ I think you have a lot of potential as a writer because you have a really great style and your language is pretty darn good. I just wish that you can be more creative in telling your story so that it can be unique among the others that are out there next time.
Overall score: 83/100
Saturday, 6 February 2010
Eye of Raven by Pararae
Title: Eye of Raven
Author: Pararae
Story URL: http://crowingraven.blogspot.com/2010/01/eye-of-raven.html
Reviewed by: jjwyl@lostshadows.co.nr
Note: This is the first story that I’ve reviewed that is not on winglin. Sorry if it took a bit long.
Title: 3/5
Your title wasn’t very rare but it definitely reminded me of the movie Eagle-Eye. That was a good movie. In my opinion, you should have made the font of your title bigger so the readers could see. I actually had a hard time trying to look for the title because all the letters are the same color and same size.
Poster/Background: -4/10
Because you don’t have a official poster and background, I can’t give you such a high mark. But at least your background didn’t have anything affecting the reader’s attention and also, you have a nice picture at the top of the page, I thought it looked nice.
Forewords: 5/5
Your foreword/prologue is very attracting. It hooked me right from the start and till the very end. Your foreword is neat, readable, and very organized. It also made me wonder what the actual story may be about.
Plot: 13/15
Your plot seems to be really well thought out. You knew what you were writing and you knew what would be put down. A plot like yours definitely did not waste my time.
Flow: 8/10
The flow wasn’t bad, it was quite well. It’s just that I thought the ending seemed a bit rushed. It’s alright to have the ending rushed because a lot of stories out there have a rushed ending.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 14/15
Your spelling and grammar are great. I couldn’t spot a mistake in your story. I felt that your story was really well done because your spelling and grammar are at a level where errors cannot be found and does not distract the human eye. I love reading stories that has no spelling/grammar mistakes because that’s what makes it seem professional. I hate reading stories that have mistakes all the time. It feels like I’m wasting my time reading it. The only thing I would suggest is using a wider range of vocabulary.
Characterization: 8/10
You described Raven’s feelings and her surroundings very detailed. You were able to describe most of the scenes nicely because I could actually picture it in my head. I was able to absorb your descriptions and form a picture. But because there were quite a few characters, I couldn’t picture all of them or tell what kind of personality they each had.
Originality: 8.5/10
You were original to have your story on your blog instead of the fanfiction site. But that would mean less people to view your story. Overall, I thought your story had a lot of creativity in it and some parts were unpredictable, but it’s kind of common to have a girl as the person who took on dangerous missions.
Writing style: 7.5/10
I have to say that the way you wrote things looked great and neat, but I didn’t like how some sentences were so short, just a couple words. I also think that you should put the speaker’s name after every sentence they say, just so it doesn’t get confusing. Also, I thought your story was too long, a bit too long for me. If it’s a one-shot, it should be a bit shorter.
Overall enjoyment: 8/10
Overall score: 78/100
Author: Pararae
Story URL: http://crowingraven.blogspot.com/2010/01/eye-of-raven.html
Reviewed by: jjwyl@lostshadows.co.nr
Note: This is the first story that I’ve reviewed that is not on winglin. Sorry if it took a bit long.
Title: 3/5
Your title wasn’t very rare but it definitely reminded me of the movie Eagle-Eye. That was a good movie. In my opinion, you should have made the font of your title bigger so the readers could see. I actually had a hard time trying to look for the title because all the letters are the same color and same size.
Poster/Background: -4/10
Because you don’t have a official poster and background, I can’t give you such a high mark. But at least your background didn’t have anything affecting the reader’s attention and also, you have a nice picture at the top of the page, I thought it looked nice.
Forewords: 5/5
Your foreword/prologue is very attracting. It hooked me right from the start and till the very end. Your foreword is neat, readable, and very organized. It also made me wonder what the actual story may be about.
Plot: 13/15
Your plot seems to be really well thought out. You knew what you were writing and you knew what would be put down. A plot like yours definitely did not waste my time.
Flow: 8/10
The flow wasn’t bad, it was quite well. It’s just that I thought the ending seemed a bit rushed. It’s alright to have the ending rushed because a lot of stories out there have a rushed ending.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 14/15
Your spelling and grammar are great. I couldn’t spot a mistake in your story. I felt that your story was really well done because your spelling and grammar are at a level where errors cannot be found and does not distract the human eye. I love reading stories that has no spelling/grammar mistakes because that’s what makes it seem professional. I hate reading stories that have mistakes all the time. It feels like I’m wasting my time reading it. The only thing I would suggest is using a wider range of vocabulary.
Characterization: 8/10
You described Raven’s feelings and her surroundings very detailed. You were able to describe most of the scenes nicely because I could actually picture it in my head. I was able to absorb your descriptions and form a picture. But because there were quite a few characters, I couldn’t picture all of them or tell what kind of personality they each had.
Originality: 8.5/10
You were original to have your story on your blog instead of the fanfiction site. But that would mean less people to view your story. Overall, I thought your story had a lot of creativity in it and some parts were unpredictable, but it’s kind of common to have a girl as the person who took on dangerous missions.
Writing style: 7.5/10
I have to say that the way you wrote things looked great and neat, but I didn’t like how some sentences were so short, just a couple words. I also think that you should put the speaker’s name after every sentence they say, just so it doesn’t get confusing. Also, I thought your story was too long, a bit too long for me. If it’s a one-shot, it should be a bit shorter.
Overall enjoyment: 8/10
Overall score: 78/100
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