The Love Bus by kanhosa301

Title: The Love Bus
Author: kanhosa301
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/kanhosa304
Reviewed by: hanichan32319 @ Lost Shadows

*My deepest apologies for this being so late. Life caught up with me on many occasions, and I had neither the time nor the heart to do much of anything, really. I hope you understand. And now, on with the review!*

Title: 3/5
Although it’s cute, and it fits the story, I’m fairly certain you could have come up with a much more creative title.

Poster/Background: 7/10
As with what I said above, it’s cute and it fits, but a) you can be way more creative with the poster overall, and b) there are no credentials. I assume you made this, but at least put something that says so. If you didn’t make this, shame on you for not crediting the artist. It’s a lovely drawing, but none of the characters are featured in it.

Forewords: 2/5
A few sentences explaining your story certainly didn’t catch my interest. A reader wants to be pulled into the story. I was not pulled. Maybe add a little bit, like how old everyone is…what they look like, even…or where everything takes place.

Plot: 12/15
Things happened way too fast between Yunho and Cherry, but more of that is below. I really felt for Doo Joon; he had unrequited love for his best friend. I’ve seen that with some of my own friends, and it really tore them apart. That’s why I was surprised Cherry didn’t decide to be Doo Joon’s girlfriend. I thought for sure that would happen…oh, well.

Flow: 9/10
Only thing I had against the flow was the fact that Yunho and Cherry seemed to fall in love with each other way too fast; they met in a day and wham? Ha, I wish people could fall in love that quickly! I would mention more on that subject but I don’t think you’d want to know about your reviewer’s love life…LOL!

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 12/15
You’re spelling was okay, and you have a decently sized vocabulary. The only problems lied with grammar and with tenses. Remember: “you’re” is a contraction, shortening “you are.” “Your” is a possessive, meaning to show ownership. Oh, and use “on” correctly; there were several times you should have used “at” or “in” instead of “on.” Sorry if this isn’t making much sense to you, haha. I just say it like it is and hope that you understand what I mean.

Characterization: 6/10
To me, the characters seemed underdeveloped. Yunho came off more stalker-ish than I first thought. Out of nowhere, he decides that he loves this girl after going on one date with her? Cherry does the same, too. Doo Joon had the most development, kinda; he harbored feelings toward his best friend, and his love seems more legit than the “love” Cherry feels for Yunho, who she literally just met. This really should have been turned into a short story, maybe three or four chapters.

Originality: 7/10
The only thing slightly original about this is that the main character didn’t end up with the best friend, which is usually what happens in romantic comedies, no?

Writing style: 8/10
Seeing as how I’m a writer of long paragraphs, I didn’t mind the length so much. However, it seemed like you tried to squeeze a potential story into a one-shot. Also, when two different people are talking or thinking, separate into different lines. Cherry’s thoughts should really go onto a line by themselves unless she’s the one speaking.

Overall enjoyment: 8/10
I didn’t love it, but I didn’t hate it. If you had gone into deeper detail and development, it would be better. You did good, though. Good luck with all your future stories!

Overall score: 72/100

Bonus: 2/5
Okay, even though the scoring rubric doesn’t go this way, I still had to give bonus points for Cherry having a best friend named Hazel. In a book I hope to publish one day, I have a character named Hazel! I was hit with some pleasant irony while reading this, haha!

Total: 74/100