Of Cotton Candy And Confetti Eggs.

Title: Of Cotton Candy and Confetti Eggs.
Author: aznchika.
Reviewer: Shweta@lostshadows.co.nr

Title: 4.5/5.
- 'Of Cotton Candy And Confetti Eggs' is an unusual and very promising title. The title does help your story in terms of what to expect because after I read that I was sure it'd be a funny story. This kind of title is used very little though not only in the Internet Fanfic writing world but in the huge writing world out there. If people would use it, it'd be more as a chapter name than a story name. And you must be wondering why I cut that point five? Well I didn't want to really but I thought it'd be a reminder for you for the rest of your stories in the future. Every title must have every first letter of every word in upper case letters. It should be 'Of Cotton Candy And Confetti Eggs' and not 'Of Cotton Candy and Confetti Eggs'.

Poster/Background: N/A
-  I really think this short story deserves a nice little cute cover, and you should get one.

Forewords: 3/5.
- A really well organized and neat foreword. Simple and basic and it had everything a foreword should have, so much so that I felt if you didn't have this or that it would actually have been better. Since it's a one shot I was surprised you had a character description, because after you read that it feels repetitive once you have it in your story too. Although having the prologue after the Characters part would be the right order.

Your prologue seemed more like a summary than a real prologue. A prologue is what happens before the real story starts. Like for example the prologue for this story, although not needed, would be about Yunho's point of view on Jaejoong, how he talks about him and his crush on him, and how he's hiding it, or about them going together to the fair. Basically it's about what happens before the story starts and an epilogue is about what happens after the story ends, for example where the characters are now, etc. Therefore what you have in your forewords would be a summary and not a prologue.

Plot: 15/15.
- It was a fun story and really cute and also funny, and the plot reflected that. It was about a normal day in a teenager's life. (Less than half a day, actually). And about a little prank gone wrong benefiting the lead and letting his relationship with his crush take another step towards being made. I am glad you kept it simple, and I really think you're cut out for writing short stories at least. A very simple and basic story, which you brought to life with your characters and your writing. Good job.

Flow: 10/10.
- I think it went smoothly, the flow was perfect, the mood was right and not once did I get distracted. Sure it's a one shot, but sometimes the flow and the story could distract a girl to such an extent that reading ten lines would take three days. Your writing is very good, and you really did a wonderful job, so much so that I don't want to minus a single point from any category. I really did crave for some more, and am glad you requested from our site.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 14/15.
- I did try to find some mistakes, spelling and grammar, and found just one passable mistake. The rest depend on the author's writing style so I wouldn't call them mistakes.

Jae couldn’t help but snickered - Jae couldn't help but snicker.

I'm not sure if this mistake was unintentional, but if it wasn't, then I hope this correction helps so you wont repeat it for similar sentences, in sentences like this where you talk about what the person is doing, though the words in the sentences might be in the past tense, but the verb would be in the present tense. And if it was unintentional then the way to avoid this one mistake itself would be by rechecking the story before submitting or having a friend, family member, or a beta reader check it for you. Also, keep an eye on the green or red lines that appear on MS Word, and right click and check the suggestions they give which would sometimes help too.

Characterization: 10/10.
- For a one shot, the characters seemed really lively and familiar. They were cute and friendly characters and really helped improve the story. The words you used and their tones and languages for when they spoke, made them come alive, and it didn't really matter if they were a secondary character or the main lead. You really do have a gift for writing.

Originality: 10/10.
- The theme might be borrowed, where the girl has a crush on the guy and a little accident helps them, but this one seemed different considering the story was about a guy who likes a guy, and it seemed normal to everyone around them which helped keep the mood light and didn't pull away from the main focus, the confetti eggs. Normally these are just a few incidents in a long story, and the end to the start the story was very unique.

Writing style: 9/10.
- As I must have mentioned twice before, you have a real gift for writing and should keep writing so you can improve and venture out into more genres. Although your style seems to fit perfectly for subtle humor and light-hearted romantic stories. Your language was good, although at some parts you used words that seemed out of place, for example...

Once the two received their cotton candy - Normally someone would say 'got' rather than 'received' and it seems sort of serious, I don't know if I can explain it but the word 'received' seems out of place for such a situation since it seems like someone is gifting that to them. 'Bought' or 'got' and maybe even 'collected' would seem a better choice.

Overall enjoyment: 10/10.
- Really loved and enjoyed your story. It had the right amount of romance and comedy for a short romantic story. It didn't matter if it was YAOI or a regular story either.

Overall score: 85/90.

Love Wanting Losing

Title - Love Wanting Losing
URL - http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/11267/loving-wanting-losing-oneshot
Reviewer - Darkess @ lostshadows.co.nr


Title: 5/5

Poster/Background:
N/A

Forewords: 2/5

The scenery description was beautifully written, but you did not foreshadow anything that was in your story. Although I believe the writing itself could draw readers in, it would also be a good idea to try and incorporate a little bit of what your story is about or introduce some of the characters in your forewords to captivate your reader and make them want to read more before the story even begins.

Plot: 15/15

I loved the twist of the typical story at the end. Most stories have the confessions right before the marriage, but you chose to break readers hearts and have the realization that they are in love after he gets married. Brilliant. The whole story was absolutely stunning. I loved that they shouted their confessions on that day at the train station so that she didn't hear his. Their love was beautiful and plain to see. The storyline was well written and easy to follow.

Flow: 10/10

Your story flowed well. I love how you showed some of their college days and some of their little kid times before you finished it off with the wedding. The timing was very easy to follow, and I really appreciated that.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 14/15

You switch from past to present tense in the fourth paragraph of the story. It isn't something to worry about, but try to keep your story in one tense throughout.

you do it again in the line
I’d look forward to the following morning when I’d see you through the corridors, or the next night when classes are through and we would be on the field again.
in the fifteenth paragraph. do you see how in one sentence you switch from 'are through' to 'we would be' ? 'Are' should be 'were'

crying, without anyone to talk to. *paragraph 16*
No comma is necessary since the clause beginning with 'without' is the second half of the sentence

These were really the only things I found. Just watch for tenses and you'll be fine ;D

Characterization: 6/10

There could have been a lot more here. We barely know their personality or their looks from this two shot, and I wish we would know more about this beautiful couple. I understand that it's hard to fit things in in a two shot, but overall you did do a really good job. You made the characters relatable and you made them feel really bad for them in the end.

Originality: 7/10

I thought that the best friends falling in love was a little overused as was their parents being best friends. I loved the twist in the typical plot, as I stated before, and I believe that that was pretty unique.

Writing style: 10/10
Your writing is easy to follow. You are able to successfully weave all of your descriptive sentences into the storyline without making the story boring with your commentaruies. I wish there would have been a little more to the characters and the settings, but overall you did an amazing job. It is always nice to review a story where the author is actually fluent in the English language. Your sentence structure had the perfect deviations.

Overall enjoyment: 10/10

Let me just say that putting the music box at the bottom so that it started playing just as you read that section of the story was pure brilliance. Very creative, very original. The song fit perfectly as well and really added to the overall affect of the story. I love this two shot. You had me tearing up at the end.
Brilliant is the only word I can use to describe your story.

Overall score: 79/90

Our Little Secret by shineeninja

Author: shineeninja
Story Title: Our Little Secret
Story URL: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/21570/our-little-secret-angst-minho-onew-shinee-smut-taemin-you/18
Reviewer: `MiCKEY| lostshadows.co.nr

Title: 4/5
-The title isn’t something very eye-catching nor exciting, but it made a bit curious of what the secret was. It’s a story name I see often so it wasn’t something new.

Poster/Background: 5/10
-Although you didn’t have a background or poster, I liked how you had some pictures on some of the chapters. But the reason why it’s low is because not every chapter had a picture, but I guess it would be hard to find pictures that are related to the chapters. But nether less, it was a good idea to have some pictures.

Forewords: 5/5
-I really liked the foreword you gave. It didn’t give out too much; just the amount of information I needed to know. It was a bit confusing to be reading this in second person POV because I had to continuously keep reading it over and over again but I managed. The description was short, but had many ideas to what the story was going to be about.

Plot: 12/15
-This isn’t a kind of story I would read a lot. It wasn’t really cliché but it seemed rather bland in the beginning. I didn’t get that feeling of wanting to continue reading the story. Although the story hasn’t finished yet, it’s one of those stories where you don’t know the ending to. You don’t really add twists or anything, so it makes it straightforward. I don’t usually read stories that have rated scenes, but that’s because I didn’t know it would have. It is something new, but for now, it’s not as interesting as it could be. I feel like I keep reading the same thing over and over though. Like each chapter reminds me of the chapter before. You do leave a lot of cliffhangers at the end and those are something I absolutely love because that’s what makes me want to continue reading.

Flow: 9/10
-The flow seems to be going fast, but at the same time, slow. While I was reading, I felt like the chapters were going super fast, but because each chapter reminds me of each other, it felt slow. I don’t know if you get what I’m saying.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 10/15
-As I was reading, I did spot some spelling/grammar errors but the vocabulary overall is perfect!
You seem to add a lot of commas but instead you can just make a compound sentences.
For example:
what you wrote - You scutter around his room, checking to see if you've gathered everything, then realized that the bottom of your body felt bare. You couldn't find your skirt.
My version (this is just a suggestion) – You scurry around his room, checking to see if you’ve gathered everything but then realizing that the bottom of your body felt quite bare. You couldn’t seem to find your skirt.

Characterization: 10/10
-A lot of the characterization was mentioned in the forward but I was able to understand more of their characters throughout the story. For example: how Minho goes from playboy to a sweet boy, or at least tries to. I was able to convey all of their feelings by just reading how they felt and their thoughts.

Originality: 8/10
-The conflict of this story is very cliché. How two partners have sex and then the girl ends up getting pregnant and doesn’t know what to do. But this was my first time reading a story of how the girl is pretty much ‘forced’ to have sex with him and how she obeys everything he says. But the way this story is portrayed seems very unique to me.

Writing style: 10/10
-I absolutely love your writing style. It’s the type of writing I love to read. I like how you make the dialogue easy to read and how the paragraphs are not all stuck together. You made sure to separate the paragraphs apart, to not make it seem like one big blob.

Overall enjoyment: 9/10
-So far, it seems very interesting and I can’t wait to finish the rest of your story. It is a story I’ll continue reading so continue to update!

Overall score: 82/100

My Fat Husband Became An Idol by Jinkitor

Author: Jinkitor
Story Title: My Fat Husband Became An Idol
Story URL: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/15099/my-fat-husband-became-an-idol-jonghyun-korean-minho-onew
Reviewer: ShadowYin | lostshadows.co.nr

Title: 5/5

Straight forward, related, simply and to the point. I think it should be 'an Idol' instead of 'An Idol', but I'm not feeling that mean today, so I didn't take any marks off that. Full marks.

Poster/Background: 7/10

Good use of pictures and colours.

Forewords: 3.5/5

[You didn’t have a foreword, so this is marked on your description]

The best thing about your description is that it’s short and pleasant. However, what’s pulling your mark down here is your use of short, snappy sentences, and it creates a dull effect. The description was nice, but it didn’t flow very well as you were listing and this could easily bore the reader. Your mark here is also pulled down but your lack of spacing between some words.

Yet, your last two sentences created the greatest impact.

‘He came back for revenge. What will happen to these love birds?’

It was short and to the point, and your rhetorical question really causes the readers to think, wondering what would happen next. Brilliant.

Plot: 14.5/15

Amazing plot is all I have to say. Very original and not the ordinary love story you normally find.

Flow: 6/10

At some points, it felt so fast. For example: when Jonghyun first met Jihye after his debut. At that point I feel that a lot of things could’ve been elaborated. Such as Onew’s emotions when he saw Jonghyun. When Jonghyun kissed the girl, what did Jihye feel?

At some point, it even felt scripted.

Example of what you wrote:

 Jihye ah , wae? " Onew concerned , with food in his mouth.

" Oh? Aniya. " I smiled.

Then I continued frying.

I walked out with a plate of 10 chickens in my hands.

I understand that she was angry and that this was written from her point of view, but I do believe this section could’ve been elaborated.

My suggestion (this is just an example of how it could’ve been elaborated; you probably wouldn’t want this kind of wording):

 “Jihye ah , wae? " Onew asked with concern whilst munching the food in his mouth.

"Oh? Aniya,” I smiled innocently so he wouldn’t be troubled by my emotions.

I continued frying with anger and distress, wondering what Jonghyun was planning. Once I was finished, I walked out with a plate of 10 chickens in my hands.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 10/15

Throughout your fiction, I’ve found that you had a lot of spacing errors.

Example: [What you wrote – My version]

I know I'm young , but who cares? - I know I'm young, but who cares?

Well,I'm not shabby either. - Well, I'm not shabby either.

Grammar errors:

You wrote:

He have got the jawline that makes you scream

My version:

He has got the jawline that makes you scream (I think it’s ‘jaw line’, but I’m not too sure)

You wrote:

" Do you think that he've got somekind of disease or something?

My version:

"Do you think he has some kind of disease or something?”

You wrote:

" YAH KIMJONGHYUN. YOU HAVEN PAY. "   (Okies, I know Jihye was angry at this point, but grammar is still important.)

My version:

"YAH KIM JONGHYUN, YOU HAVEN’T PAID.”

Spelling:

Spreaded – there’s no such word

Common and meet me alright? – Common means ordinary, I think you mean ‘come on’
She've – I don’t think this is correct. I think it should be:  ‘She’s got a boyfriend already’

Advice: Proof read.

Characterization: 8/10

At the beginning, your characterisation was good until it came to where she was considering the divorce. She talks a lot to her friend about her feeling, but it would be interesting to read a short description of her true personal feelings of the time.

A lot of emotions were portrayed through dialogue; it would be nice to read descriptions about their feelings every now and again.

Characters were believable most of the time, so that’s brilliant. But the fact that this story is based around idols made it less convincing. Minho and Jino stalking Jihye, where’s the paparazzi? Surly someone would want to sell the news of the idols to the paparazzi.

Originality: 10/10                                   

The conflict isn’t very original, as this often occurs between couples, yet you portrayed it in your style which made it very fun to read.

Writing style: 7/10

I love the way you always ended your chapters with a sort of cliff-hanger, it’s really effective and makes the readers want to read on.

What I strongly recommend is more descriptions to balance out the dialogue.  To me, there are still a lot of dialogues even though I noticed you did try to use some description here and there. What I’m trying to say is there’s not enough balance between the two in order to bring out the full potential of your story.

Overall enjoyment: 8/10

I actually enjoyed reading your story, even though it wasn’t the type of story I’d normally read. It was simple, fun, interesting and original. Hwaiting! (If I wasn’t marking you on your English, this score will be higher.)

Overall score: 79/100

I hope this helps :)