It was the ticking - Jtoasn

Author: Jtoasn
Story Title : It was the ticking
Story URL: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5824814/1/It_was_the_ticking
Reviewer: ShadowYin | lostshadows.co.nr

Title: 5/5

Unique, related, catchy.

Poster/Background: -/10

Forewords: -/5

Plot: 12/15

Not really strong, but it’s good for a one shot. It makes people see a different side of Malfoy.

Flow: 10/10

Good flow throughout! Nicely controlled. The pace increases with his thoughts…I like it.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 12/15

They're dying to meet you" (Where’s the full stop?)

No, that's not what he wanted. (Quite confused since he doesn’t have a wife yet, shouldn’t it be ‘No, that’s not what he wants’.)

Since he’s talking about the future, shouldn’t it be written in future tense instead of past?

…he wasn't even sure that there was a girl that would want him. (…he wasn’t even sure if there would be a girl out there that would want him.) -Your sentence makes me think that he already has a girl who wants him…?-

I think vocabulary can be better. Some words could be changed to make this writing even more powerful.

Also, sometimes I thought that it wasn’t necessary for some of your sentences to be that long.

Characterization: 9/10 –

Not much I can say, since it’s only based on Malfoy’s character. I think, a little bit more description in there would really bring out his character more.

Originality: 8/10 –

Seeing a different side of a character, Malfoy thinking of his future wife…It’s original. Just because I gave 8/10 doesn’t mean it’s not original, but I simply think that a different side of someone is quite common. Also, when reading the top few sentences, it was already quite obvious how the story was going to end as well as giving the readers the idea of what it’s actually about. I personally think that if there was a twist somewhere, it would’ve gotten you full marks.

Writing style: 8/10 –

I see…

Rhetorical questions

Repetition

Similes

Alliteration

Overall enjoyment: 7/10

I love this couple. Too short for my liking, but it’s really sweet.

Overall score: 71/85 (84%)

My Husband Bought me at A Auction - MrsJaejoong

Story Title: My Husband Bought me at A Auction
Story Author: MrsJaejoong
Story URL: http://winglin.net/fanfic/auction/
Reviewer: Darkess

*My reviews are not meant to harm or discourage the author, but to help them fix their stories and do better in the future. The opinions expressed in this review are mine and mine alone, and are not meant to offend you*


Title: 4/5

It isn't... grammatically correct. It should be 'at An Auction' instead of A. but... the title would definitely catch my attention on the winglin page, and it is very unique.

Poster/Background: 10/10

Beautiful poster and bg made by Teri eunnie S2.

Forewords: 3/5

I really would have loved to see a summary here, but I'm glad you put the characters and their positions, as well as the credits :)

Plot: 12/15

I really like where this is going. I found this whole story super interesting because of the auction. I'm still trying to figure out where they got all that money, and why they would be willing to spend it on a particular human, but I really like where it's going, and the twist that both Kings bid on her. Keep going with this!

Flow: 6/10

It's hard to imagine this happening in real time. Also, you said something like 'we're all trying to sleep, it's nightime' or something along those lines... but I'm 100% sure that it's common knowledge that vamps sleep during the day... unless your vampire type is just unique XD if that's the case than you should try to build on that more.

Spelling/Grammer/Vocabulary: 11/15

*bullet pas the (chapter 1)

bullet pass the - just a simple typo :P

*didn't screamed (chapter 1)

didn't scream

*so call Queen (chapter 1)

so called Queen

*A hour later (chapter 2)

An hour later

*start biding (chapter 2)

start bidding

mmk. you've made the same mistake like 20 times XD it isn't biding, it's bidding.

*and her she is (chapter 3)

and here she is

I think some stronger vocabulary could have been used as well since yours was pretty basic.

Characterization: 8/10

I thought that you built on the characters a lot in the short amount of chapters. You've built on the girl's personality, and on the perverted vampires as well. You also described the dress and the 'King Vamps' of being beautiful. A good word for Jaejoong and Khun :P

Orginality: 10/10

I can honestly say that I've never ever seen a story like this. I love the whole vampire idea (which actually IS very common since Twilight) but ... the whole auctioning off humans is a new concept to me... especially auctioning them off to Vampires... Idunno. I love the whole thing :D

Writing style: 6/10

You often switch between present and past tence. Pick one and stick with it. I like that you added a little bit of detail here and there, enough to make the story seem a little bit realistic. The one line story structure is easy to read, but... not very professional looking.

Overall enjoyment: 8/10

This story kept my attention , and I want to read more . Update soon!

Overall score: 78/100

Time forgets

Title: Time Forgets

Author: RAINxclouds

Reviewer: DarkAngel @ Lost Shadows

Title: 5/5

-It’s simple, but it explains the story a lot. I personally like it because it sounds kind of sad, but that’s just my theory XD

Poster/Background: 8/10

-I really like the poster. I think it looks really nice. But the background is too plain for my liking. When you put them both together, it looks really dark. It would be nicer if there were more colors to it, but I guess it fits the story.

Forewords: 4/5

-I really like the forewords. The little prologue is nice and it makes you think. Very nice! But it would be better if you also added a little introduction about the characters.

Plot: 13/15

-Very good, but it’s kind of common. A girl is sick and dies, leaving the guy alone. Though I thought it was really good, I suppose you could have twisted it a bit more. The story was really deep. Kudos for that.

Flow: 10/10

-The flow was fine. It wasn’t fast or slow. It’s perfect for me!

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 14/15

-Your vocabulary was very good. There were a lot of words that I didn’t know, but I could tell from the context clues. I didn’t spot any spelling problems. For grammar, all you had to do was add a couple of more commas in the right places and it would have been perfect!

Characterization: 9/10

-You mainly focused on Key, which I get, but I suggest you tell the readers more about Hyunae’s personality. The reason why I thought it was deep was because you told us about Key’s feelings. It sounded very realistic and emotional.

Originality: 8/10

-Like I said before, there are many stories with the main person having a disease and then passing away. But this one was a little more unique than others (since others had leukemia, diabetes, heart problems, and things like that).

Writing style: 10/10

-I had no problem with your writing style what so ever! It’s good enough for me!

Overall enjoyment: 10/10

-I really enjoyed it, even though I’m not really a fan of sad or gloomy stories. I almost cried. GREAT JOB!

Overall score: 91/100

Love in School by lovely_smile

Title: Love in School
Story URL: ww.loveinschoolfanfiction.blogspot.com
Author: lovely_smile
Reviewer: DarkAngel @ Lost Shadows




Title: 3/5

-The title isn’t very creative. It’s pretty common, but it fits well with the story. Honestly, I think you could have chosen a better one, but this one is fine.


Poster/Background: 7/10

-There isn’t a poster, but there is a banner (lol, stating the obvious). I like the banner because it’s cute, so I guess it’ll be a seven since you copied the photo from the original drama.


Forewords: 4/5

-It’s nice to know about the characters and their appearance. That way, the reader can imagine what they look like. But it would be better if you put a short summary about what the story is about.


Plot: 12/15

-I like the plot, though it’s common. It’s funny how they always get themselves into a mess every time. It’d be better if you added some kind of twist to it. Still, I like it :)


Flow: 8/10

-I thought it went kind of slow. If you could speed it up a little faster, that would be nice.


Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 12/15

-I spotted a few spelling problems, but it wasn’t anything major. It would be great if you added some better vocabulary. Occasionally, I see repeats too, so try to work on that.


Characterization: 10/10

-I really like your characters! They’re all different from each other, but their bonds are really strong. Though there is a lot of drama going on, they eventually make up.


Originality: 8/10

-Like I said before, this is pretty common, though I can see you try to put your own twist on it.


Writing style: 8/10

-I’m not really fond of the whole script format, but I guess it’s okay. But you describe things really well, so kudos for that.


Overall enjoyment: 8/10

-It’s common, and sometimes predictable. Other than that, I like it ^^


Overall score: 80/100

Raindrops by Ana

Author: Ana
Story Title : Raindrops
Story URL: http://winglin.net/fanfic/_raindrops
Reviewer: ShadowYin | lostshadows.co.nr

Title: 3.5/5 – simple, related. Not very creative though.

Poster/Background: 8/10 – it’s very beautiful, however wouldn’t it be better to possibly include a picture of Junsu as well?

Forewords: 3/5 – Too simple for my liking, and also a bit cliché. It’s not enough to catch my interest. However it’s nice.

Plot: 9.5/15 – To be honest, it’s short and there weren’t much to it. The plot itself is quite cliché, the ‘one-sided’ love. I still think it was quite weird, since in the dialogue it appears that it was Aecha who told Junsu to confess, but then she owed her like to Iseul because she encountered the scene. Well…was she not the one who gave him the advice to begin with? I really think this plot it quite weak, and there’s not much to support this. The make it better, I think add in more description and possibly more emotive language to give the readers a better idea of what’s going on. I know one-shots are meant to be short, but the trick with one-shots is using the minimum words which create the biggest impact. For your one-shot, I think you need more words for that impact.

Flow: 7/10 - When it was the dialogue, I thought you could’ve added so much more in that section because for me, it was going too fast. Description slows down the pace of the story. It was going really well until it was dialogue after dialogue, and at that point all the emotions just seemed to disappear. You see, before it was a very emotional piece of writing, and the dialogue which lacked description made me feel like you rushed to get to the end of the story.

EX:
Then, covering his face with both hands, he screamed the most agonizing sound to Aecha's ears. The sound lasted for only a few seconds. (Then what? This sentence feels unfinished…?)

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 12.5/15
No much to say, but here’s a few things I spotted:

You wrote:
He might as well had burst into the tears he was clearly holding back. (Slightly award…? There could be so many possibilities of how this sentence can be phrased, but I’m not going to list them because I’m not sure which one you actually want…)

You wrote:
Aecha rubbed her eyes, where she wasn't sure if tears or rain was making it sting,

My version:
Aecha rubbed her eyes, where she wasn't sure if IT WAS THE tears or THE rain THAT was making it sting…

You wrote:
Awkward laughter

My suggestion:
He gave an awkward laughter.
Vocabulary could’ve also been improved. Since this piece of writing had potential to have a lot of imageries and descriptions, good vocabulary would be requires, however I didn’t think the vocabulary was that great. There were a lot of words where I thought was a bit weak?

Example:
You wrote:
…she wouldn't have let go of the weight that was slowly killing her…

My suggestion:
Add a few words, change a few like:
…she wouldn’t have the courage to let go of the weight that was slowly suffocating her…
My opinion, the ‘killing’ in your sentence was just a tad bit weak, but it’s still good.

Characterization: 6.5/10 – I think there’s something wrong with Aecha. She advised Junsu to confess, then she threw a tantrum at him over the phone and he still doesn’t know what’s going on.
Especially when Junsu asked ‘where are you’ and she replied with ‘I don’t know’, how can she not know where she is? What I found surprising was the fact that Junsu didn’t find it strange.

Something strange about the character:
"I feel like I've just taken a load off of my shoulders." He sounded regretful. (So is he being sarcastic about it? Please don’t presume your readers would know what you mean, because they probably don’t.)

Junsu…He really doesn’t sound like a guy in this fic, I’m sorry but by reading the dialogue he sounds really bitchy. (He might be feminine in her fic, I don’t know…but I just find it awkward.)

Originality: 7/10 – Once again, not really original to me. Think it would be better if you added a twist to it.

Writing style: 8/10 - Loved the opening! But then I started to dislike the style. At the end, it was starting to lack details. It was easy to understand, but I think it can still be improved.

Overall enjoyment: 9/10
It was short, simple, and nice. I like it :)

Overall score: 74/100