Name: Annie
Story Title : Always and Forever
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/UnknownUserA5
Reviewer: Doesn\'t matter
Title: 5/5
-Nice title; I like it. When I first saw the title, I thought it would be kind of a sad story, or maybe one that has angst in it, but I was totally off. I think the title fits with the story.
Poster/Background: 6/10
-There was no poster, so I can’t really give points for that. Also, the font slightly blended in with the background since they were both pink, so I had to highlight most of it because it made my eyes hurt trying to read it.
Forewords: 2/5
-The foreword barely told us what the collection was about. The only thing that we knew from it was it was going to be a one-shot collection of Super Junior members. You also told us it was fluff, but what if we wanted to know more about it? You could have told a little about the characters that are going to be involved because your collection was mostly about Donghae and Eunhyuk and they seem to have the same personalities over and over again.
Plot: 12/15
-Since this is a one-shot collection, it’s hard for me to count the points since I’m a rookie at reviewing, but the plot for the stories were funny. It was also entertaining to read, but some parts, you lost me there! It was like a rollercoaster: it had its ups and downs. In other words, it means that some parts, it turned good and sometimes it turned boring. In my point of view, I think it turned boring because the plot was predictable.
Flow: 10/10
-I thought that the flow was perfect. It wasn’t too fast or slow; it was just right.
Spelling/Grammer/Vocabulary: 13/15
-I found a few minor errors in your story, but it didn’t affect the story in any way like misunderstandings. I also think you could have used bigger vocabulary in your story. It would have made the story slightly more interesting and professional.
Characterization: 9/10
-I could understand the characters well, but I wished that since it was a collection of one-shots, the personalities would be different, but it’s not! Also, you could have used different couples, but you didn’t. I guess you like Eunhyuk and Donghae the best.
Orginality: 8/10
-Like I said, the story was predictable at times. Some were really creative while some were pretty dull. I’ve seen stories related to your one-shots before, but I would have expected some kind of twist to make the one-shots more interesting.
Writing style: 10/10
-I had no problem with your writing style. I liked it when you used “you” and “he” when you were referring to Donghae. I haven’t seen much stories that use those words before, but I like it.
Overall enjoyment: 8/10
-It was nice, but like I said, it gets boring at times. Good effort though.
Overall score: 83/100
Friday, 30 October 2009
Monday, 26 October 2009
Momentum by BoBoLi0us
Title: Momentum
Author: BoBoLi0us
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/Recollection02/
Reviewed by RyoMaXMaSuke @ lostshadows.co.nr
Note: Sorry for the lateness, I just took my exams my sister forced me not to use the computer for a week. T-T
Title: 4/5
- Very catchy title. I can see the relation of it with the story but the story doesn’t really explain the title wholly.
Poster/Background: 8/10
- The appearance of the story really went well with the theme and it gave the readers an idea of what the story would be like. But I think the poster could use a little more light, seeing that the momentum lasted longer than we expected.. It was also hard seeing the text in the poster, but all in all, I think the poster is beautiful.
Forewords: 4/5
- I really like the forewords and how it started because of how you wrote it, but it was a little uninteresting. And I think a little more insight or information about Jaebom would be nice, since it is one of those “You” fictions.
Plot: 1o/15
- Common and sort of overused plot. But the twists you placed in parts of the story was splendid, it made it more original.
Flow: 7/10
- For a side story, the flow was incredibly fine. But there were times when I get confused on what was happening.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 13/15
- I spotted some grammar mistakes wherein, you would mix up ‘present tense’ and ‘past tense’. Your spelling was a little off. I’ve seen spelling mistakes and you commit them on the same word.
Characterization: 7/10
- The characters were somehow not shown that well. But their personalities popped out in the story and made the story very interesting. Although, I think there is something missing in their personalities.
Originality: 13/10
- The storyline was like any other fanfic but with your writing style, it was somehow also very different from other fanfics.
Writing style: 7/10
- You have a very interesting writing style. But I think you need to be more descriptive of the surroundings and other things so that the story is vivid on each reader’s mind. Writing in first person really went well with the fanfiction for it was one of the “you” fics.
Overall enjoyment: 7/10
- I don’t know really know if I did. But it was very heartwarming to read and interesting. And
Overall score: 80/100
Author: BoBoLi0us
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/Recollection02/
Reviewed by RyoMaXMaSuke @ lostshadows.co.nr
Note: Sorry for the lateness, I just took my exams my sister forced me not to use the computer for a week. T-T
Title: 4/5
- Very catchy title. I can see the relation of it with the story but the story doesn’t really explain the title wholly.
Poster/Background: 8/10
- The appearance of the story really went well with the theme and it gave the readers an idea of what the story would be like. But I think the poster could use a little more light, seeing that the momentum lasted longer than we expected.. It was also hard seeing the text in the poster, but all in all, I think the poster is beautiful.
Forewords: 4/5
- I really like the forewords and how it started because of how you wrote it, but it was a little uninteresting. And I think a little more insight or information about Jaebom would be nice, since it is one of those “You” fictions.
Plot: 1o/15
- Common and sort of overused plot. But the twists you placed in parts of the story was splendid, it made it more original.
Flow: 7/10
- For a side story, the flow was incredibly fine. But there were times when I get confused on what was happening.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 13/15
- I spotted some grammar mistakes wherein, you would mix up ‘present tense’ and ‘past tense’. Your spelling was a little off. I’ve seen spelling mistakes and you commit them on the same word.
Characterization: 7/10
- The characters were somehow not shown that well. But their personalities popped out in the story and made the story very interesting. Although, I think there is something missing in their personalities.
Originality: 13/10
- The storyline was like any other fanfic but with your writing style, it was somehow also very different from other fanfics.
Writing style: 7/10
- You have a very interesting writing style. But I think you need to be more descriptive of the surroundings and other things so that the story is vivid on each reader’s mind. Writing in first person really went well with the fanfiction for it was one of the “you” fics.
Overall enjoyment: 7/10
- I don’t know really know if I did. But it was very heartwarming to read and interesting. And
Overall score: 80/100
Tuesday, 20 October 2009
Painted Emotions by Sung Ah
Title: Painted Emotions
Author: Sung Ah
Story Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/Painted_SA/
Reviewer: Pararae
Site: http://lostshadows.co.nr/
Note: I have to count the title out because it was from the challenge site and even if I replace the title with another criterion that I usually used which is title’s usage that give the credit for how good you bind the plot with the title’s demand without being awkwardly forced, it’s still no good because the plot is also from the challenge site. So I will not judge you in that part.
Title: -/5
Poster/Background: 7/10 I like the poster, it’s really attractive to see the pictures arranged in such state with a beautiful blending and colorization. The font makes it look prettier and somehow when I look at the poster I can feel my curiosity built up in me and makes me want to find out what happen in the story. The poster is perfectly made with no disturbing outline marked of the pictures with a good rate of opacity too. The guy in messy raven haired caught my eyes the most because he looks utterly awesome, as if he’s the hero in the story and he really look like an assassin. Aside that, the background looks plain, too plain indeed and it didn’t match the poster really well. Grey really doesn’t go with green even though they both started with G. It kills my mood to see the background and it really spoiled the expression to see it clamp with the poster. Try to search for better background to fit the poster, black can go with it too because black is always the elegant one.
Forewords: 4/5 the forewords are complete with basic and optional info and you also present the claim that it is a challenge fic for a site with the link to the site, makes it easier for me to trace where the challenge come from. I like how you put the introduction in the forewords and it seems that the forewords are arranged carefully with no scattering notes. I prefer it this way because it enhances the understanding of the story and it makes the forewords look clean and organized. Your forewords are so complete that it answers my question right away without giving excessive information to ruin the surprises. Perfect forewords!
Plot: 12/15 the plot is from the challenge site so I have no right to give marks on that, but instead I will comment and give credit for the story line. I like how you manipulate the original plot to your will with no awkward forced to link them up. It is just connected perfectly and spontaneously. The way the story start is intriguing and it’s just such an excitement to see it ends with a shocking conclusion. The story line is rare, with no romance and cliché mushy scene to color the story, and the action is just flabbergast. But I have to deduct your marks because you ended it too soon. The last chapter spoiled the previous one because it seems that it happens to soon with no basic reason why Hongki suddenly make his move now, instead of later. Maybe because he wanted to gain Sung Ah’s trust but try to explain on that so it would seem more logical and interesting. The whole truth about Sung Ah’s family and her mother’s death also quite fast, as if it is revealed so suddenly with no hard evident to fold it up, so try to repair that part and add some shocking drama to reveal the mystery.
Flow: 8/10 the flow is perfect from the start of the story to the mid end, until you reach the part where Hongki tried to hurt Sung Ah. That part is just so sudden as if it came out of nowhere. A shocking scene is good but it should go with a solid reason why it has to be now, not later. I always wonder why Hongki have to wait so long to make his move and to my disappointment, you didn’t explain on that. This kind of jumpy scene could ruin the flow of the story, making it feels as if you’re rushing to finish it. Elaborating on a few scenes won’t take much time and it would definitely help you to extend the time span of the story to make it more balance and interesting.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 13/15 surprisingly, I’ve found only a few mistakes here and there, but I don’t take any mistake as minor because even a small one can bring down your efficiency to write a proper sentence. So let’s take a look at this:
1) Taking out a paint brush and some paint, she started to paint out what she saw.
(Some means a lot so paint should have an ‘s’ behind it.)
2) In walked behind their teacher the orange-haired guy again.
(I don’t understand this sentence, so maybe you could revise and correct it.)
3) Somehow, she just knew that this man would definitely by her new friend someday.
(By should be ‘be’. Try to recheck your sentences manually because it is easy to spot.)
4) She smiled back and nodded hear head.
(You mistyped hear, it should be her.)
5) he fled with his wife and became and artist instead.
(The second and should be an, spelling error.)
Most of it is just spelling mistakes which I think you did it accidentally, but I advice you to take a note and recheck your sentences after you done writing them and before you post them and I think, it would work better if you do it manually because it will open your eyes to a new way to improve your sentences and it will give you the idea how to picture the scene better with the use of words.
Characterization: 5/10 most of the characters in the story are created based on simple construction. I felt like Hongki is just a normal teenager who happened to work as an assassin whom I can’t find any spark in his behavior or attitude. While JongHun is just your everyday cool, loyal and trustworthy butter and Sung Ah a normal girl with sad past and lately gain the premonition hint of the future. Try to add some specific or one in a million habits in them so they appear special and at least the readers can remember them with their specialty of doing something. I just cannot feel the character much except the role they play throughout the story and there’s not much to say about their characterization.
Originality: 8/10 there’s your trademark everywhere in the story and I just can’t link it up to another similar story because it is just original. But I have to deduct your marks because the idea of assassin and savior is just slightly overused, even though you managed to manipulate it a little. Your story open up in its own way and it ended with an exciting cliffhanger. The ending pushes the readers to use their imagination on whether Sung Ah managed to kill herself or was stopped by her maids. It’s a good impact to the story and it’s just so captivating to leave it like that, just how I like it to be.
Writing style: 7/10 your writing style is simple and easy to understand with no false in clauses, subjects and predicates in every sentence. It’s just so organized and clean, despite a few unintentional mistakes. However, I realize that you use a very simple words and narrow range of vocabulary. I know using complicated, big words won’t work if the readers don’t understand what are you trying to say but it won’t hurt to try. Using rare words could enhance the proficiency of English usage and you could improve your ability to handle flexible words of international language.
Overall enjoyment: 9/10 the story caught my interest as soon as it begins and I just can’t drop the tab down once I read it. You have the potential in writing a good story, but you just need to watch out your spellings and characterizations. So try your best and good luck!
Score: 73/95 (without title)
Overall score: 76.84/100
Author: Sung Ah
Story Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/Painted_SA/
Reviewer: Pararae
Site: http://lostshadows.co.nr/
Note: I have to count the title out because it was from the challenge site and even if I replace the title with another criterion that I usually used which is title’s usage that give the credit for how good you bind the plot with the title’s demand without being awkwardly forced, it’s still no good because the plot is also from the challenge site. So I will not judge you in that part.
Title: -/5
Poster/Background: 7/10 I like the poster, it’s really attractive to see the pictures arranged in such state with a beautiful blending and colorization. The font makes it look prettier and somehow when I look at the poster I can feel my curiosity built up in me and makes me want to find out what happen in the story. The poster is perfectly made with no disturbing outline marked of the pictures with a good rate of opacity too. The guy in messy raven haired caught my eyes the most because he looks utterly awesome, as if he’s the hero in the story and he really look like an assassin. Aside that, the background looks plain, too plain indeed and it didn’t match the poster really well. Grey really doesn’t go with green even though they both started with G. It kills my mood to see the background and it really spoiled the expression to see it clamp with the poster. Try to search for better background to fit the poster, black can go with it too because black is always the elegant one.
Forewords: 4/5 the forewords are complete with basic and optional info and you also present the claim that it is a challenge fic for a site with the link to the site, makes it easier for me to trace where the challenge come from. I like how you put the introduction in the forewords and it seems that the forewords are arranged carefully with no scattering notes. I prefer it this way because it enhances the understanding of the story and it makes the forewords look clean and organized. Your forewords are so complete that it answers my question right away without giving excessive information to ruin the surprises. Perfect forewords!
Plot: 12/15 the plot is from the challenge site so I have no right to give marks on that, but instead I will comment and give credit for the story line. I like how you manipulate the original plot to your will with no awkward forced to link them up. It is just connected perfectly and spontaneously. The way the story start is intriguing and it’s just such an excitement to see it ends with a shocking conclusion. The story line is rare, with no romance and cliché mushy scene to color the story, and the action is just flabbergast. But I have to deduct your marks because you ended it too soon. The last chapter spoiled the previous one because it seems that it happens to soon with no basic reason why Hongki suddenly make his move now, instead of later. Maybe because he wanted to gain Sung Ah’s trust but try to explain on that so it would seem more logical and interesting. The whole truth about Sung Ah’s family and her mother’s death also quite fast, as if it is revealed so suddenly with no hard evident to fold it up, so try to repair that part and add some shocking drama to reveal the mystery.
Flow: 8/10 the flow is perfect from the start of the story to the mid end, until you reach the part where Hongki tried to hurt Sung Ah. That part is just so sudden as if it came out of nowhere. A shocking scene is good but it should go with a solid reason why it has to be now, not later. I always wonder why Hongki have to wait so long to make his move and to my disappointment, you didn’t explain on that. This kind of jumpy scene could ruin the flow of the story, making it feels as if you’re rushing to finish it. Elaborating on a few scenes won’t take much time and it would definitely help you to extend the time span of the story to make it more balance and interesting.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 13/15 surprisingly, I’ve found only a few mistakes here and there, but I don’t take any mistake as minor because even a small one can bring down your efficiency to write a proper sentence. So let’s take a look at this:
1) Taking out a paint brush and some paint, she started to paint out what she saw.
(Some means a lot so paint should have an ‘s’ behind it.)
2) In walked behind their teacher the orange-haired guy again.
(I don’t understand this sentence, so maybe you could revise and correct it.)
3) Somehow, she just knew that this man would definitely by her new friend someday.
(By should be ‘be’. Try to recheck your sentences manually because it is easy to spot.)
4) She smiled back and nodded hear head.
(You mistyped hear, it should be her.)
5) he fled with his wife and became and artist instead.
(The second and should be an, spelling error.)
Most of it is just spelling mistakes which I think you did it accidentally, but I advice you to take a note and recheck your sentences after you done writing them and before you post them and I think, it would work better if you do it manually because it will open your eyes to a new way to improve your sentences and it will give you the idea how to picture the scene better with the use of words.
Characterization: 5/10 most of the characters in the story are created based on simple construction. I felt like Hongki is just a normal teenager who happened to work as an assassin whom I can’t find any spark in his behavior or attitude. While JongHun is just your everyday cool, loyal and trustworthy butter and Sung Ah a normal girl with sad past and lately gain the premonition hint of the future. Try to add some specific or one in a million habits in them so they appear special and at least the readers can remember them with their specialty of doing something. I just cannot feel the character much except the role they play throughout the story and there’s not much to say about their characterization.
Originality: 8/10 there’s your trademark everywhere in the story and I just can’t link it up to another similar story because it is just original. But I have to deduct your marks because the idea of assassin and savior is just slightly overused, even though you managed to manipulate it a little. Your story open up in its own way and it ended with an exciting cliffhanger. The ending pushes the readers to use their imagination on whether Sung Ah managed to kill herself or was stopped by her maids. It’s a good impact to the story and it’s just so captivating to leave it like that, just how I like it to be.
Writing style: 7/10 your writing style is simple and easy to understand with no false in clauses, subjects and predicates in every sentence. It’s just so organized and clean, despite a few unintentional mistakes. However, I realize that you use a very simple words and narrow range of vocabulary. I know using complicated, big words won’t work if the readers don’t understand what are you trying to say but it won’t hurt to try. Using rare words could enhance the proficiency of English usage and you could improve your ability to handle flexible words of international language.
Overall enjoyment: 9/10 the story caught my interest as soon as it begins and I just can’t drop the tab down once I read it. You have the potential in writing a good story, but you just need to watch out your spellings and characterizations. So try your best and good luck!
Score: 73/95 (without title)
Overall score: 76.84/100
Saturday, 17 October 2009
She's all that by cutterpillow
Name: cutterpillow
Story Title : She's all that
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/SAT
Reviewer: changminXmc
Title: 4/5
* Hmmm, I really don't know why you chose the title "She's All That" cause I didn't see the connection at all while reading the story. I thought that it would be about a girl who would be "all that." I guess your point was the make us think that? I'm sorry, I just didn't get the connection between the story and the title.
Poster/Background: 9/10
* The poster and background was well made. But something was missing, but I guess it was just me. But besides that, it was really cute and well made. ^^
Forewords: 3/5
* Well, its like you explained half of the plot already in the forward. I'd rather have you write something about the story or something that happened in the middle of the story that may catch a readers attention. The way you wrote your forward was like a summary. Which won't really catch someone attention. So while I was reading, it didn't catch my attention as to wanting to keep on reading.
Plot: 12/15
* Nothing special really catched me on this plot. I've seen a few plot like this out there before that was the same like this.
Flow: 8/10
* At some part, it was like you were rushing a bit. But again, you did keep a steady pace. Which is good, just at some parts, you rush to finish it or try to get to a part too fast.
Spelling/Grammer/Vocabulary: 14/15
* I saw a few spelling errors here and there but there not a big deal. Just a few small mistakes. But besides that, your spellings were good.
Characterization: 10/10
* I liked the way you put your characters. You let the person know who its about before reading the story. Which is good, that way people will know who's it about.
Orginality: 7/10
* Like I stated in the plot, I didn't see anything really new with this. I've seen plots the same like this before. Which is pretty predictable for me to know the ending already.
Writing style: 9/10
* Your writing style is a bit different from how I write mines and from others I read but it didn't bother me much. Which I wasn't used to in a way. ^^'
Overall enjoyment: 8/10
* I gotta admit, you made me cry when Haru hurted Ro-chan. I was crying, but at the beginning, it was boring for me. Sorry if I sound harsh or anything but if I was a reader looking for a story to read, I wouldn't have continue to read it. Its also cause I am not a japanese fanfic that much. Hope you're not offended, I do love Japanese but just not some fics. But when you made me cry when Haru hurted her, I then started to like the story. But another thing I don't like is that the ending was really predictable. Which spoils it for me. But keep on writing, you're a good writer. ^^
Overall score: 84/100
P.S.
That's a pretty good score. ^^
Story Title : She's all that
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/SAT
Reviewer: changminXmc
Title: 4/5
* Hmmm, I really don't know why you chose the title "She's All That" cause I didn't see the connection at all while reading the story. I thought that it would be about a girl who would be "all that." I guess your point was the make us think that? I'm sorry, I just didn't get the connection between the story and the title.
Poster/Background: 9/10
* The poster and background was well made. But something was missing, but I guess it was just me. But besides that, it was really cute and well made. ^^
Forewords: 3/5
* Well, its like you explained half of the plot already in the forward. I'd rather have you write something about the story or something that happened in the middle of the story that may catch a readers attention. The way you wrote your forward was like a summary. Which won't really catch someone attention. So while I was reading, it didn't catch my attention as to wanting to keep on reading.
Plot: 12/15
* Nothing special really catched me on this plot. I've seen a few plot like this out there before that was the same like this.
Flow: 8/10
* At some part, it was like you were rushing a bit. But again, you did keep a steady pace. Which is good, just at some parts, you rush to finish it or try to get to a part too fast.
Spelling/Grammer/Vocabulary: 14/15
* I saw a few spelling errors here and there but there not a big deal. Just a few small mistakes. But besides that, your spellings were good.
Characterization: 10/10
* I liked the way you put your characters. You let the person know who its about before reading the story. Which is good, that way people will know who's it about.
Orginality: 7/10
* Like I stated in the plot, I didn't see anything really new with this. I've seen plots the same like this before. Which is pretty predictable for me to know the ending already.
Writing style: 9/10
* Your writing style is a bit different from how I write mines and from others I read but it didn't bother me much. Which I wasn't used to in a way. ^^'
Overall enjoyment: 8/10
* I gotta admit, you made me cry when Haru hurted Ro-chan. I was crying, but at the beginning, it was boring for me. Sorry if I sound harsh or anything but if I was a reader looking for a story to read, I wouldn't have continue to read it. Its also cause I am not a japanese fanfic that much. Hope you're not offended, I do love Japanese but just not some fics. But when you made me cry when Haru hurted her, I then started to like the story. But another thing I don't like is that the ending was really predictable. Which spoils it for me. But keep on writing, you're a good writer. ^^
Overall score: 84/100
P.S.
That's a pretty good score. ^^
Thursday, 8 October 2009
Secretly In Love by girlinurdreams
Title: Secretly In Love
Author: girlinurdreams
Story Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/girlinurdreams/
Reviewer: Pararae
Site: http://lostshadows.co.nr/
Title: 3/5 I have to say the title is good because it actually portrays most of the relationship in this story that goes in an aspect of a person who is a secret admirer to another. You also use the term repeatedly with the other characters as well. I can say that it derived from the plot itself and link the story wholly, but I can’t say it is interesting because having an idea of secretly admire someone is overused and to put that point up there as a title is not eye-catching as it appears common. So try to use another title that’s more interesting and rare.
Poster/Background: 5/10 I won’t say it’s neat because to stuff every character in a poster makes it look messy and crowded but I’m amazed at how the characters lined up at the top and the bottom while you emphasize on the two girls that I take as the twin, correct me if I’m wrong. But I can see the low quality of blending in the poster because the blue photo frame behind the title didn’t match the whole picture at all. It stood there solely without ant supporting image, making it look like an outcast. Blue really doesn’t go with the font colors. Black can fit any colors in the universe as well as white and I won’t say it didn’t go along with your poster because I like the contras between colors. But, it would be better if you use a color that fit the poster well. I won’t say it need to be pink because it would make the story look utterly girlish, but try something light, simple and presentable.
Forewords: 3/5 the forewords look okay, even though I find it a little messy at some part especially at the author notes. You have a lot of typing errors in your forewords, making it look less professional and even though you did warn about it, I still think you need to improve on that. The summary is simple, didn’t give away too much which is good, but instead of pointing the obvious fact there, why don’t you put some hint of the scene that the readers will see in the plot without giving an exact conclusion to it. Giving a cliffhanger in the summary is very effective and it would make the story look more interesting and welcoming.
Plot: 8/15 the plot is too jumpy, without a proper connection between one scene to another. I have to say, it’s hard to understand your plot because it was cut midway before the same scene repeated again in the next chapter. Don’t reuse a scene too much and don’t repeat the same point again and again. Try to elaborate more to give a solid image to the readers about the settings and background. You also give away the excitement when you write the information about their relationship in Chapter 1. I have to admit that I enjoy the story that gives a mysterious vibe, urging me to find the answer in the story instead of being spoon-feed. Don’t do that again because it will make the ending knowing and cliché. The way you write the smut scene also is not effective because you tend to use a funny phrase like hole, thing etc etc… Try to use the exact name for each move because it won’t make the scene fascinating and for someone who loves this kind of scene, (like me) expect something more mature and frank, instead of going around the bush. The more straight forward, the merrier…
Flow: 5/10 the jumpy scene shorting the time frame greatly, making the story move fast without a proper speed limit. The time span of the story also appears ambiguous and hardly unstable. Flow is most vulnerable part of the story and it hard to keep it constant but try to give more effort in it and I’m sure you will do great in the future.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 6/15 I saw the previous you got and I see that she has pointed a lot about this section. But I like to point some of it out so I can get my point across. You’ve made a lot of mistakes in rather grammar, spelling, punctuation etc… Don’t see it as a minor because even a simple mistake can bring down your English proficiency. Let’s take a look at this:
1) But when they entered College
(College isn’t supposed to be in capital letter because you didn’t specific it into a single object. For example: But when they entered Taylors College. Putting the name of the college means you single it out as a special name. You need to be careful with this because only a few circumstances that you can capital a letter.)
2) High School life for the Yoon Sisters is define as fun, nice and memorable.
(Define supposed to be defined and don’t capital high school. It’s unneeded.)
3) things began complicated as they formed Love-at-first-sights, Love - Hate relationships and Love Triangles along with their friends.
(Again, don’t capital love, hate and love triangle.)
4) "Neh..I wonder why shows today are so crappy."
(Ellipsis (…) can only exist in a set of 3.)
5) "Damn it! I'm dead....again!!".
(Don’t put period (.) behind the quotation mark, it’s wrong.)
6) in fact, she's still a virgin.......on her nose!! haha, joke!
(Again, mind your ellipsis.)
7) Well, honestly, she's still a virgin and she is just a player coz she wanted to have some 'fun'...
(It’s bad to use short form outside quotation mark because it will bring your skill down.)
8) 'Neh, having a player onni is not that hard, but you just have to endure her witch-like cry everytime.
(Every time supposed to have space between them.)
9) ok..I'll be there in 30 minutes.
(I can’t stress this enough. Mind your ellipsis.)
10) "bye".
(Bye should be in capital letter because it’s the start of a new word.)
11) "Whatever, ok tell them that I'll follow you on the living room"
(This sentence sound wrong. How can you follow someone ON the living room? You supposed to be in because living room is a space, not an object which you can walk on. But in your case, you have to use ‘follow you to the living room’ because the speaker haven’t walk in the room yet.)
12) "Stop daydreaming Changmin ah! She's 2 years older than you!".
(Don’t put period after quotation mark and add dash (-) in Changmin-ah because you use it as a dialect in Korean’s speeches.)
Characterization: 7/10 I think you point out the characters clearly. But there’s part where you don’t elaborate on, like Yoochun. He’s a gay? Ok, even if he is, why it suddenly appear out of nowhere with no supporting evidence or scene? Try to link your story properly because it will make the readers question the logic of the story.
Originality: 6/10 I’ve read a lot of story like this but you still convince about the originality because of the story line and some scenes. But I can say that the story is predictable, I can actually predict what happen next and there are no real surprises because you reveal everything in chapter 1. You lost your originality in the main idea; secretly in love. As I say before, is overused.
Writing style: 3/10 I’m really fond of your writing style. It’s too messy, choppy, jumpy and unorganized.
Overall enjoyment: 2/10 the way you start the story don’t really get my attention. There are too many mistakes which make me read around to get the mistakes out instead of getting the plot but I guess the main plot is common even though your scene is a bit off the track. Work harder and don’t give up. I’m sure you will do great if you practice more. Good luck!
Overall score: 48/100
Author: girlinurdreams
Story Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/girlinurdreams/
Reviewer: Pararae
Site: http://lostshadows.co.nr/
Title: 3/5 I have to say the title is good because it actually portrays most of the relationship in this story that goes in an aspect of a person who is a secret admirer to another. You also use the term repeatedly with the other characters as well. I can say that it derived from the plot itself and link the story wholly, but I can’t say it is interesting because having an idea of secretly admire someone is overused and to put that point up there as a title is not eye-catching as it appears common. So try to use another title that’s more interesting and rare.
Poster/Background: 5/10 I won’t say it’s neat because to stuff every character in a poster makes it look messy and crowded but I’m amazed at how the characters lined up at the top and the bottom while you emphasize on the two girls that I take as the twin, correct me if I’m wrong. But I can see the low quality of blending in the poster because the blue photo frame behind the title didn’t match the whole picture at all. It stood there solely without ant supporting image, making it look like an outcast. Blue really doesn’t go with the font colors. Black can fit any colors in the universe as well as white and I won’t say it didn’t go along with your poster because I like the contras between colors. But, it would be better if you use a color that fit the poster well. I won’t say it need to be pink because it would make the story look utterly girlish, but try something light, simple and presentable.
Forewords: 3/5 the forewords look okay, even though I find it a little messy at some part especially at the author notes. You have a lot of typing errors in your forewords, making it look less professional and even though you did warn about it, I still think you need to improve on that. The summary is simple, didn’t give away too much which is good, but instead of pointing the obvious fact there, why don’t you put some hint of the scene that the readers will see in the plot without giving an exact conclusion to it. Giving a cliffhanger in the summary is very effective and it would make the story look more interesting and welcoming.
Plot: 8/15 the plot is too jumpy, without a proper connection between one scene to another. I have to say, it’s hard to understand your plot because it was cut midway before the same scene repeated again in the next chapter. Don’t reuse a scene too much and don’t repeat the same point again and again. Try to elaborate more to give a solid image to the readers about the settings and background. You also give away the excitement when you write the information about their relationship in Chapter 1. I have to admit that I enjoy the story that gives a mysterious vibe, urging me to find the answer in the story instead of being spoon-feed. Don’t do that again because it will make the ending knowing and cliché. The way you write the smut scene also is not effective because you tend to use a funny phrase like hole, thing etc etc… Try to use the exact name for each move because it won’t make the scene fascinating and for someone who loves this kind of scene, (like me) expect something more mature and frank, instead of going around the bush. The more straight forward, the merrier…
Flow: 5/10 the jumpy scene shorting the time frame greatly, making the story move fast without a proper speed limit. The time span of the story also appears ambiguous and hardly unstable. Flow is most vulnerable part of the story and it hard to keep it constant but try to give more effort in it and I’m sure you will do great in the future.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 6/15 I saw the previous you got and I see that she has pointed a lot about this section. But I like to point some of it out so I can get my point across. You’ve made a lot of mistakes in rather grammar, spelling, punctuation etc… Don’t see it as a minor because even a simple mistake can bring down your English proficiency. Let’s take a look at this:
1) But when they entered College
(College isn’t supposed to be in capital letter because you didn’t specific it into a single object. For example: But when they entered Taylors College. Putting the name of the college means you single it out as a special name. You need to be careful with this because only a few circumstances that you can capital a letter.)
2) High School life for the Yoon Sisters is define as fun, nice and memorable.
(Define supposed to be defined and don’t capital high school. It’s unneeded.)
3) things began complicated as they formed Love-at-first-sights, Love - Hate relationships and Love Triangles along with their friends.
(Again, don’t capital love, hate and love triangle.)
4) "Neh..I wonder why shows today are so crappy."
(Ellipsis (…) can only exist in a set of 3.)
5) "Damn it! I'm dead....again!!".
(Don’t put period (.) behind the quotation mark, it’s wrong.)
6) in fact, she's still a virgin.......on her nose!! haha, joke!
(Again, mind your ellipsis.)
7) Well, honestly, she's still a virgin and she is just a player coz she wanted to have some 'fun'...
(It’s bad to use short form outside quotation mark because it will bring your skill down.)
8) 'Neh, having a player onni is not that hard, but you just have to endure her witch-like cry everytime.
(Every time supposed to have space between them.)
9) ok..I'll be there in 30 minutes.
(I can’t stress this enough. Mind your ellipsis.)
10) "bye".
(Bye should be in capital letter because it’s the start of a new word.)
11) "Whatever, ok tell them that I'll follow you on the living room"
(This sentence sound wrong. How can you follow someone ON the living room? You supposed to be in because living room is a space, not an object which you can walk on. But in your case, you have to use ‘follow you to the living room’ because the speaker haven’t walk in the room yet.)
12) "Stop daydreaming Changmin ah! She's 2 years older than you!".
(Don’t put period after quotation mark and add dash (-) in Changmin-ah because you use it as a dialect in Korean’s speeches.)
Characterization: 7/10 I think you point out the characters clearly. But there’s part where you don’t elaborate on, like Yoochun. He’s a gay? Ok, even if he is, why it suddenly appear out of nowhere with no supporting evidence or scene? Try to link your story properly because it will make the readers question the logic of the story.
Originality: 6/10 I’ve read a lot of story like this but you still convince about the originality because of the story line and some scenes. But I can say that the story is predictable, I can actually predict what happen next and there are no real surprises because you reveal everything in chapter 1. You lost your originality in the main idea; secretly in love. As I say before, is overused.
Writing style: 3/10 I’m really fond of your writing style. It’s too messy, choppy, jumpy and unorganized.
Overall enjoyment: 2/10 the way you start the story don’t really get my attention. There are too many mistakes which make me read around to get the mistakes out instead of getting the plot but I guess the main plot is common even though your scene is a bit off the track. Work harder and don’t give up. I’m sure you will do great if you practice more. Good luck!
Overall score: 48/100
Tuesday, 6 October 2009
Son of Dracula by Masked_Princess
Title: Son of Dracula
Author: Masked_Princess
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/snowangel/
Reviewed by: hanichan32319 @ Lost Shadows
*Keep in mind, I review for the sake of providing criticism. I hold no personal grudges or vendettas against the author.*
Title: 3/5
The title let me know what sort of story I’d be reading, which is always a good thing.
Poster/Background: 7/10
Your poster was alright, but the background took away from reading. There were times when I had trouble reading the font. Yeah, the choice of font wasn’t a good one. Try to stick with colors that are easier on the eyes, regardless of whether or not you actually like the color.
Forewords: 4/5
Nothing wrong here.
Plot: 12/15
Ever since the Twilight “phenomenon” overtook the country, there have been a lot more stories about vampires and whatnot. Now, I am not saying that you read Twilight and decided to do your own take on vampires. It’s just…after Stephenie Meyer totally and completely ruined vampires for the world, vampires aren’t as original anymore. I do like your portrayal of the vamp here, though. It sounds like what the original vampires sounded like, not the sparkling idiots prancing around Forks or Knives or whatever the heck that town is called. (Sorry for the rant)
Flow: 9/10
Nothing was off. Your flow was just fine.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 12/15
You could use more vibrant vocabulary, and you need to work on your grammar as well as spelling.
Characterization: 8/10
You didn’t fully develop the characters as I thought you would.
Originality: 7/10
Like I said above, I now believe vampires are a little overrated. People use them too often in their stories because there is just some weird attraction to things of the freakish nature.
Writing style: 7/10
Your style was easy to follow, but I was hoping for more detail! =] Work on detail, dialogue and other related things to really get the flow going.
Overall enjoyment: 8/10
This was a really nice story, but in my opinion, it had a lot more potential. Perhaps you should work it into a chaptered story instead of a short one and really get into the characters and their backgrounds. Other than that, good job!
Overall score: 77/100
Author: Masked_Princess
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/snowangel/
Reviewed by: hanichan32319 @ Lost Shadows
*Keep in mind, I review for the sake of providing criticism. I hold no personal grudges or vendettas against the author.*
Title: 3/5
The title let me know what sort of story I’d be reading, which is always a good thing.
Poster/Background: 7/10
Your poster was alright, but the background took away from reading. There were times when I had trouble reading the font. Yeah, the choice of font wasn’t a good one. Try to stick with colors that are easier on the eyes, regardless of whether or not you actually like the color.
Forewords: 4/5
Nothing wrong here.
Plot: 12/15
Ever since the Twilight “phenomenon” overtook the country, there have been a lot more stories about vampires and whatnot. Now, I am not saying that you read Twilight and decided to do your own take on vampires. It’s just…after Stephenie Meyer totally and completely ruined vampires for the world, vampires aren’t as original anymore. I do like your portrayal of the vamp here, though. It sounds like what the original vampires sounded like, not the sparkling idiots prancing around Forks or Knives or whatever the heck that town is called. (Sorry for the rant)
Flow: 9/10
Nothing was off. Your flow was just fine.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 12/15
You could use more vibrant vocabulary, and you need to work on your grammar as well as spelling.
Characterization: 8/10
You didn’t fully develop the characters as I thought you would.
Originality: 7/10
Like I said above, I now believe vampires are a little overrated. People use them too often in their stories because there is just some weird attraction to things of the freakish nature.
Writing style: 7/10
Your style was easy to follow, but I was hoping for more detail! =] Work on detail, dialogue and other related things to really get the flow going.
Overall enjoyment: 8/10
This was a really nice story, but in my opinion, it had a lot more potential. Perhaps you should work it into a chaptered story instead of a short one and really get into the characters and their backgrounds. Other than that, good job!
Overall score: 77/100
Thursday, 1 October 2009
Opposite Attracts by *~ 微琳公主--光之格格 ~*
Name: *~ 微琳公主--光之格格 ~*
Story Title : Opposite Attracts
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/dt_love/
Reviewer: jyyms
Title: 4/5
The title suits the story pretty well up to this point but since the story is still not finished, there isn’t a strong connection between the title and the plot.
Poster/Background: 7/10
The poster is nice with all the main characters and is cute. But the background was a big ‘no no’. The red color suits the mood of the story but the big white text at the back makes it hard for the reader to read since the font color is also white. I suggest you change the font color to something that contrasts with the background in the future.
Forewords: 4/5
The forewords is very informative. You had description of a lot of characters and this might bore the reader. Other than that, it is perfect.
Plot: 10/15
The plot is almost exactly like the Taiwanese Drama as much as I can recall. Shaoxi and Ruixi going to an all-boys school is the same plot of the drama. I feel that your story is not original at all. But you had the vampires and werewolves that went along with the story. This is the only point that made it different from the real drama. I suggest you think of a more original plot than this. I know you can do this!
Flow: 8/10
Your flow is good. But there were times where you went a bit too slow with some of the events. For example, the ‘first day of school’ chapters were very long. If the flow in these chapters were faster, it bring make the story more lively. Other than that, your flow is quite good.
Spelling/Grammer/Vocabulary: 10/15
I don’t know what to say about this because you wrote it in both English and Chinese. There were a number of English spelling mistakes. Your grammar was good and steady. But there were some parts where you mixed up the tenses up.
‘Choked’ and not ‘Chocked’
Characterization: 10/10
You had a lot of characterization in the story. You did a really good job on this. The characters were fully described and are quite round.
Orginality: 5/10
You get 5 marks for the vampire and werewolf addition to your story. It enhanced the plot into a more interesting story. But the girl to boy school idea is very unoriginal. Sorry for that.
Writing style: 7/10
The writing style seems different from the Chinese to the English transition. In English, you write it with a pretty good flow. But when the scenes include Chinese, the writing seems choppy. And it seems like two person wrote this story. The events that happen in America were written very well while the ones in Taiwan were not as good. The switch from Chinese to English made it confusing too. I suggest you write in one language at a time.
Overall enjoyment: 3/10
I’m sorry but I did not enjoy your story. It was like another version of the drama. And the flow was slow, so there wasn’t much excitement in the story.
Overall score: 68/100
Great job! And please take this review as an advice for your future stories! You can do better next time! ^^
Story Title : Opposite Attracts
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/dt_love/
Reviewer: jyyms
Title: 4/5
The title suits the story pretty well up to this point but since the story is still not finished, there isn’t a strong connection between the title and the plot.
Poster/Background: 7/10
The poster is nice with all the main characters and is cute. But the background was a big ‘no no’. The red color suits the mood of the story but the big white text at the back makes it hard for the reader to read since the font color is also white. I suggest you change the font color to something that contrasts with the background in the future.
Forewords: 4/5
The forewords is very informative. You had description of a lot of characters and this might bore the reader. Other than that, it is perfect.
Plot: 10/15
The plot is almost exactly like the Taiwanese Drama as much as I can recall. Shaoxi and Ruixi going to an all-boys school is the same plot of the drama. I feel that your story is not original at all. But you had the vampires and werewolves that went along with the story. This is the only point that made it different from the real drama. I suggest you think of a more original plot than this. I know you can do this!
Flow: 8/10
Your flow is good. But there were times where you went a bit too slow with some of the events. For example, the ‘first day of school’ chapters were very long. If the flow in these chapters were faster, it bring make the story more lively. Other than that, your flow is quite good.
Spelling/Grammer/Vocabulary: 10/15
I don’t know what to say about this because you wrote it in both English and Chinese. There were a number of English spelling mistakes. Your grammar was good and steady. But there were some parts where you mixed up the tenses up.
‘Choked’ and not ‘Chocked’
Characterization: 10/10
You had a lot of characterization in the story. You did a really good job on this. The characters were fully described and are quite round.
Orginality: 5/10
You get 5 marks for the vampire and werewolf addition to your story. It enhanced the plot into a more interesting story. But the girl to boy school idea is very unoriginal. Sorry for that.
Writing style: 7/10
The writing style seems different from the Chinese to the English transition. In English, you write it with a pretty good flow. But when the scenes include Chinese, the writing seems choppy. And it seems like two person wrote this story. The events that happen in America were written very well while the ones in Taiwan were not as good. The switch from Chinese to English made it confusing too. I suggest you write in one language at a time.
Overall enjoyment: 3/10
I’m sorry but I did not enjoy your story. It was like another version of the drama. And the flow was slow, so there wasn’t much excitement in the story.
Overall score: 68/100
Great job! And please take this review as an advice for your future stories! You can do better next time! ^^
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)