Painted Emotions by Sung Ah

Title: Painted Emotions

Author: Sung Ah

Story Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/Painted_SA/

Reviewer: Pararae

Site: http://lostshadows.co.nr/



Note: I have to count the title out because it was from the challenge site and even if I replace the title with another criterion that I usually used which is title’s usage that give the credit for how good you bind the plot with the title’s demand without being awkwardly forced, it’s still no good because the plot is also from the challenge site. So I will not judge you in that part.



Title: -/5



Poster/Background: 7/10 I like the poster, it’s really attractive to see the pictures arranged in such state with a beautiful blending and colorization. The font makes it look prettier and somehow when I look at the poster I can feel my curiosity built up in me and makes me want to find out what happen in the story. The poster is perfectly made with no disturbing outline marked of the pictures with a good rate of opacity too. The guy in messy raven haired caught my eyes the most because he looks utterly awesome, as if he’s the hero in the story and he really look like an assassin. Aside that, the background looks plain, too plain indeed and it didn’t match the poster really well. Grey really doesn’t go with green even though they both started with G. It kills my mood to see the background and it really spoiled the expression to see it clamp with the poster. Try to search for better background to fit the poster, black can go with it too because black is always the elegant one.



Forewords: 4/5 the forewords are complete with basic and optional info and you also present the claim that it is a challenge fic for a site with the link to the site, makes it easier for me to trace where the challenge come from. I like how you put the introduction in the forewords and it seems that the forewords are arranged carefully with no scattering notes. I prefer it this way because it enhances the understanding of the story and it makes the forewords look clean and organized. Your forewords are so complete that it answers my question right away without giving excessive information to ruin the surprises. Perfect forewords!


Plot: 12/15 the plot is from the challenge site so I have no right to give marks on that, but instead I will comment and give credit for the story line. I like how you manipulate the original plot to your will with no awkward forced to link them up. It is just connected perfectly and spontaneously. The way the story start is intriguing and it’s just such an excitement to see it ends with a shocking conclusion. The story line is rare, with no romance and cliché mushy scene to color the story, and the action is just flabbergast. But I have to deduct your marks because you ended it too soon. The last chapter spoiled the previous one because it seems that it happens to soon with no basic reason why Hongki suddenly make his move now, instead of later. Maybe because he wanted to gain Sung Ah’s trust but try to explain on that so it would seem more logical and interesting. The whole truth about Sung Ah’s family and her mother’s death also quite fast, as if it is revealed so suddenly with no hard evident to fold it up, so try to repair that part and add some shocking drama to reveal the mystery.



Flow: 8/10 the flow is perfect from the start of the story to the mid end, until you reach the part where Hongki tried to hurt Sung Ah. That part is just so sudden as if it came out of nowhere. A shocking scene is good but it should go with a solid reason why it has to be now, not later. I always wonder why Hongki have to wait so long to make his move and to my disappointment, you didn’t explain on that. This kind of jumpy scene could ruin the flow of the story, making it feels as if you’re rushing to finish it. Elaborating on a few scenes won’t take much time and it would definitely help you to extend the time span of the story to make it more balance and interesting.



Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 13/15 surprisingly, I’ve found only a few mistakes here and there, but I don’t take any mistake as minor because even a small one can bring down your efficiency to write a proper sentence. So let’s take a look at this:



1) Taking out a paint brush and some paint, she started to paint out what she saw.

(Some means a lot so paint should have an ‘s’ behind it.)



2) In walked behind their teacher the orange-haired guy again.

(I don’t understand this sentence, so maybe you could revise and correct it.)



3) Somehow, she just knew that this man would definitely by her new friend someday.

(By should be ‘be’. Try to recheck your sentences manually because it is easy to spot.)



4) She smiled back and nodded hear head.

(You mistyped hear, it should be her.)



5) he fled with his wife and became and artist instead.

(The second and should be an, spelling error.)



Most of it is just spelling mistakes which I think you did it accidentally, but I advice you to take a note and recheck your sentences after you done writing them and before you post them and I think, it would work better if you do it manually because it will open your eyes to a new way to improve your sentences and it will give you the idea how to picture the scene better with the use of words.



Characterization: 5/10 most of the characters in the story are created based on simple construction. I felt like Hongki is just a normal teenager who happened to work as an assassin whom I can’t find any spark in his behavior or attitude. While JongHun is just your everyday cool, loyal and trustworthy butter and Sung Ah a normal girl with sad past and lately gain the premonition hint of the future. Try to add some specific or one in a million habits in them so they appear special and at least the readers can remember them with their specialty of doing something. I just cannot feel the character much except the role they play throughout the story and there’s not much to say about their characterization.



Originality: 8/10 there’s your trademark everywhere in the story and I just can’t link it up to another similar story because it is just original. But I have to deduct your marks because the idea of assassin and savior is just slightly overused, even though you managed to manipulate it a little. Your story open up in its own way and it ended with an exciting cliffhanger. The ending pushes the readers to use their imagination on whether Sung Ah managed to kill herself or was stopped by her maids. It’s a good impact to the story and it’s just so captivating to leave it like that, just how I like it to be.



Writing style: 7/10 your writing style is simple and easy to understand with no false in clauses, subjects and predicates in every sentence. It’s just so organized and clean, despite a few unintentional mistakes. However, I realize that you use a very simple words and narrow range of vocabulary. I know using complicated, big words won’t work if the readers don’t understand what are you trying to say but it won’t hurt to try. Using rare words could enhance the proficiency of English usage and you could improve your ability to handle flexible words of international language.



Overall enjoyment: 9/10 the story caught my interest as soon as it begins and I just can’t drop the tab down once I read it. You have the potential in writing a good story, but you just need to watch out your spellings and characterizations. So try your best and good luck!


Score: 73/95 (without title)



Overall score: 76.84/100