Secretly In Love by girlinurdreams

Title: Secretly In Love

Author: girlinurdreams

Story Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/girlinurdreams/

Reviewer: Pararae

Site: http://lostshadows.co.nr/



Title: 3/5 I have to say the title is good because it actually portrays most of the relationship in this story that goes in an aspect of a person who is a secret admirer to another. You also use the term repeatedly with the other characters as well. I can say that it derived from the plot itself and link the story wholly, but I can’t say it is interesting because having an idea of secretly admire someone is overused and to put that point up there as a title is not eye-catching as it appears common. So try to use another title that’s more interesting and rare.



Poster/Background: 5/10 I won’t say it’s neat because to stuff every character in a poster makes it look messy and crowded but I’m amazed at how the characters lined up at the top and the bottom while you emphasize on the two girls that I take as the twin, correct me if I’m wrong. But I can see the low quality of blending in the poster because the blue photo frame behind the title didn’t match the whole picture at all. It stood there solely without ant supporting image, making it look like an outcast. Blue really doesn’t go with the font colors. Black can fit any colors in the universe as well as white and I won’t say it didn’t go along with your poster because I like the contras between colors. But, it would be better if you use a color that fit the poster well. I won’t say it need to be pink because it would make the story look utterly girlish, but try something light, simple and presentable.



Forewords: 3/5 the forewords look okay, even though I find it a little messy at some part especially at the author notes. You have a lot of typing errors in your forewords, making it look less professional and even though you did warn about it, I still think you need to improve on that. The summary is simple, didn’t give away too much which is good, but instead of pointing the obvious fact there, why don’t you put some hint of the scene that the readers will see in the plot without giving an exact conclusion to it. Giving a cliffhanger in the summary is very effective and it would make the story look more interesting and welcoming.


Plot: 8/15 the plot is too jumpy, without a proper connection between one scene to another. I have to say, it’s hard to understand your plot because it was cut midway before the same scene repeated again in the next chapter. Don’t reuse a scene too much and don’t repeat the same point again and again. Try to elaborate more to give a solid image to the readers about the settings and background. You also give away the excitement when you write the information about their relationship in Chapter 1. I have to admit that I enjoy the story that gives a mysterious vibe, urging me to find the answer in the story instead of being spoon-feed. Don’t do that again because it will make the ending knowing and cliché. The way you write the smut scene also is not effective because you tend to use a funny phrase like hole, thing etc etc… Try to use the exact name for each move because it won’t make the scene fascinating and for someone who loves this kind of scene, (like me) expect something more mature and frank, instead of going around the bush. The more straight forward, the merrier…



Flow: 5/10 the jumpy scene shorting the time frame greatly, making the story move fast without a proper speed limit. The time span of the story also appears ambiguous and hardly unstable. Flow is most vulnerable part of the story and it hard to keep it constant but try to give more effort in it and I’m sure you will do great in the future.



Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 6/15 I saw the previous you got and I see that she has pointed a lot about this section. But I like to point some of it out so I can get my point across. You’ve made a lot of mistakes in rather grammar, spelling, punctuation etc… Don’t see it as a minor because even a simple mistake can bring down your English proficiency. Let’s take a look at this:



1) But when they entered College

(College isn’t supposed to be in capital letter because you didn’t specific it into a single object. For example: But when they entered Taylors College. Putting the name of the college means you single it out as a special name. You need to be careful with this because only a few circumstances that you can capital a letter.)



2) High School life for the Yoon Sisters is define as fun, nice and memorable.

(Define supposed to be defined and don’t capital high school. It’s unneeded.)



3) things began complicated as they formed Love-at-first-sights, Love - Hate relationships and Love Triangles along with their friends.

(Again, don’t capital love, hate and love triangle.)



4) "Neh..I wonder why shows today are so crappy."

(Ellipsis (…) can only exist in a set of 3.)



5) "Damn it! I'm dead....again!!".

(Don’t put period (.) behind the quotation mark, it’s wrong.)



6) in fact, she's still a virgin.......on her nose!! haha, joke!

(Again, mind your ellipsis.)



7) Well, honestly, she's still a virgin and she is just a player coz she wanted to have some 'fun'...

(It’s bad to use short form outside quotation mark because it will bring your skill down.)



8) 'Neh, having a player onni is not that hard, but you just have to endure her witch-like cry everytime.

(Every time supposed to have space between them.)



9) ok..I'll be there in 30 minutes.

(I can’t stress this enough. Mind your ellipsis.)



10) "bye".

(Bye should be in capital letter because it’s the start of a new word.)



11) "Whatever, ok tell them that I'll follow you on the living room"

(This sentence sound wrong. How can you follow someone ON the living room? You supposed to be in because living room is a space, not an object which you can walk on. But in your case, you have to use ‘follow you to the living room’ because the speaker haven’t walk in the room yet.)



12) "Stop daydreaming Changmin ah! She's 2 years older than you!".

(Don’t put period after quotation mark and add dash (-) in Changmin-ah because you use it as a dialect in Korean’s speeches.)



Characterization: 7/10 I think you point out the characters clearly. But there’s part where you don’t elaborate on, like Yoochun. He’s a gay? Ok, even if he is, why it suddenly appear out of nowhere with no supporting evidence or scene? Try to link your story properly because it will make the readers question the logic of the story.



Originality: 6/10 I’ve read a lot of story like this but you still convince about the originality because of the story line and some scenes. But I can say that the story is predictable, I can actually predict what happen next and there are no real surprises because you reveal everything in chapter 1. You lost your originality in the main idea; secretly in love. As I say before, is overused.



Writing style: 3/10 I’m really fond of your writing style. It’s too messy, choppy, jumpy and unorganized.



Overall enjoyment: 2/10 the way you start the story don’t really get my attention. There are too many mistakes which make me read around to get the mistakes out instead of getting the plot but I guess the main plot is common even though your scene is a bit off the track. Work harder and don’t give up. I’m sure you will do great if you practice more. Good luck!


Overall score: 48/100