Story Title: Beyond the Lie
Story Author: ~InBox~
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/inbox9
Reviewer: Darkess
Title: 5/5
The title fits the story well so far. The lie is there marriage, and the story is about what's beyond it o.o I don't think you could have picked a better title for it.
Poster/Background: 9/10
The only thing I can take off for was that the poster said Beyond the Lies, plural, instead of Beyond the Lie, the actual title of it. Other than that, the bg and text color don't clash, and it was easy to read the words on the screen.
Forewords: 4/5
I like how you put all of the different perspectives towards the story that was coming. I like how you had Ella's and Chun's points of views, and you also make it kind of like a cliffhanger when you said
However, the unexpected event... changed everything.
It makes you want to know what unexpected event was going to happen.
But the [love] and [truth] points were slightly confusing.
Plot: 9/15
I really like how the two that are married despise each other, but I love how in the last chapter that is written so far, he notices for a second that she is pretty. I really wonder what will happen next. I also like how Thomas is falling or has fallen for Ella and Chun doesn't care at all. I like the storyline so far and think it's pretty creative ^^
Flow: 10/10
Everything makes perfect sense and is in good time. Things are happening at a realistic rate.
Spelling/Grammer/Vocabulary: 11/15
"the schools he go to" forewards
I believe it should either be "the schools he went to" in the context of the story.
"which he never knew, was in him."
The comma should not be placed in the middle.
As she walked passed -chapter 1
in the context it should be past
Ella took a look at her watch before replying Sky Tan in an impatient tone. - chapter 1
you missed the word "to"
she was shocked beyond words that they have agreed with the arrangement - chapter 2
it should probably read "she was shocked beyond words that they had agreed with the arrangement" because of the tenses.
Ella was about to go and help with the arrangement of some flower arrangement on a raised platform, - chapter 6
There isn't anything wrong with it, but having the word arrangement twice in the same sentence is a little much.
Characterization: 7/10
I love how you make Ella the stuck up snob bossy one, and Chun the total player XD It was a twist on the normal characters that I am used to reading about. It was definately a good change of character. Maybe they aren't always good and sweet you know?
Orginality: 8/10
You don't often see a story where Chun and Ella don't like each other. They always slowly fall in love, and happily get married. But here they already are married and they hate each other. It's very different than a normal winglin story. ^^
Writing style: 8/10
Your style is easy to follow. I don't have to reread things to understand what is going on, and I want to read more not only because of the storyline, but because of the fluent writing.
Overall enjoyment: 7/10
In the beginnings of the story I was slightly bored, but it got to get a lot more interesting in the last few chapters. I'll definately subscribe to this story and keep up with it ^^
Overall score: 78/100
Tuesday, 28 July 2009
Sunday, 26 July 2009
Love Equilibrium by Naire Perplexity
Name: Naire Perplexity
Story Title : Love Equilibrium
Story URL: www.winglin.net/fanfic/9naire10_4
Reviewer: changminXmc
*** Take note that I have nothing against this author. Just a simple review on helping the writer improve.
Title: 2/5
- I don't know. The title, Love Balance? Eh, I think its ok. Not really good. But I guess it was a ok choice for the story. At first, to tell you the truth, I did not know what EQUILIBRIUM means. But then, I think it was interesting, yet, I don't think it really fits the story.
Poster/Background: 8/10
- The poster looked really pretty. Nice and beautifully done. Along with the background, it was good.
Forewords: 3/5
- Forward, let's see. It was ok. I don't know, not really catching enough. But it didn't reveal the plot.
Plot: 12/15
- Let's see, your plot. I don't think I've seen these kind of plots around, but I know I've seen these plots before in drama's. Kind of interesting when you made Chun and Ella friendship twist up.
Flow: 9/10
- I think your flow was really good yet not perfect. Cause you weren't rushing, nor slow at your pace so its good.
Spelling/Grammer/Vocabulary: 13/15
- You had few errors, like you spelled "unto" when its "onto". But I didn't spot that many. Very little.
Characterization: 8/10
- I think your characterization was good.
Orginality: 8/10
- Originality was good, kind of interesting. Though very common.
Writing style: 7/10
- Its really good but I think you need to loosen up a bit. Writing style is a bit too tight and looks like your aiming for a perfect writing style yet it is but too tight. Just loosen up.
Overall enjoyment: 8/10
- At first, I didn't really like the story. But later on, it started getting interesting. The twist, and friendship thing, its really interesting. I enjyoed it but not as much snice I'm not a Tawian fan much. ^^'
Overall score: 78/100
Story Title : Love Equilibrium
Story URL: www.winglin.net/fanfic/9naire10_4
Reviewer: changminXmc
*** Take note that I have nothing against this author. Just a simple review on helping the writer improve.
Title: 2/5
- I don't know. The title, Love Balance? Eh, I think its ok. Not really good. But I guess it was a ok choice for the story. At first, to tell you the truth, I did not know what EQUILIBRIUM means. But then, I think it was interesting, yet, I don't think it really fits the story.
Poster/Background: 8/10
- The poster looked really pretty. Nice and beautifully done. Along with the background, it was good.
Forewords: 3/5
- Forward, let's see. It was ok. I don't know, not really catching enough. But it didn't reveal the plot.
Plot: 12/15
- Let's see, your plot. I don't think I've seen these kind of plots around, but I know I've seen these plots before in drama's. Kind of interesting when you made Chun and Ella friendship twist up.
Flow: 9/10
- I think your flow was really good yet not perfect. Cause you weren't rushing, nor slow at your pace so its good.
Spelling/Grammer/Vocabulary: 13/15
- You had few errors, like you spelled "unto" when its "onto". But I didn't spot that many. Very little.
Characterization: 8/10
- I think your characterization was good.
Orginality: 8/10
- Originality was good, kind of interesting. Though very common.
Writing style: 7/10
- Its really good but I think you need to loosen up a bit. Writing style is a bit too tight and looks like your aiming for a perfect writing style yet it is but too tight. Just loosen up.
Overall enjoyment: 8/10
- At first, I didn't really like the story. But later on, it started getting interesting. The twist, and friendship thing, its really interesting. I enjyoed it but not as much snice I'm not a Tawian fan much. ^^'
Overall score: 78/100
Saturday, 18 July 2009
Reality Overdose by Sung.ii.ee
Story Title: Reality Overdose
URL: www.winglin.net/fanfic/Overdose
Author: Sung.ii.ee
Reviewed by: Moon Mistress @ Lost Shadows
Title: 4/5
Sounds special and unique but I think it appeared a little too often in your story…
Poster/Background: 7/10
It looks good and all but it looks just a little too dark… I mean although it maybe kind of sad, I would prefer it better if it was a more… yellow-green background. This is because Abby is an angel and stuff so a lighter colored background would be a little more suitable… also, perhaps it is just me, but I think that Abby’s eyes on the poster just look a little too dark because of the eyeliner which doesn’t make her look that angelic...
Forewords: 4/5
Enough to keep me reading but I am a rather picky person and I personally, I like forewords that begin with the story. As in perhaps you could use some event to express the characters emotions? You get me?
Plot: 13/15
Erm, although I won’t say that it was totally new or anything, but it was certainly a story worth reading. =D
Flow: 7/10
Nice speed over there. Just that I think you might have move a little too fast.
Spelling/Grammer/Vocabulary: 7/10
Occasional error from place to place. But you said that it was because of Microsoft Word right? So I guess that other than that, it should be alright. =D
Characterization: 8/10
Nicely depicted and I could see that your characters attitude throughout the whole story did not contradict with your forewords which is something that most writers fail to do.
Orginality: 6.5/10
I don’t know. It was kind of refreshing and stuff throughout the whole thing. But if you were to break the elements and events of your story, you will see that the plot has been used in different places before. Like angel coming to earth, angel-mortal love, depression when your beloved dies, etc etc.
Writing style: 3/5
Alright and stuff. But just a little too much speech… more descriptions would have help =D
Overall enjoyment: 7/10
Had a great time reviewing =D
Overall score: 76.5 /100
URL: www.winglin.net/fanfic/Overdose
Author: Sung.ii.ee
Reviewed by: Moon Mistress @ Lost Shadows
Title: 4/5
Sounds special and unique but I think it appeared a little too often in your story…
Poster/Background: 7/10
It looks good and all but it looks just a little too dark… I mean although it maybe kind of sad, I would prefer it better if it was a more… yellow-green background. This is because Abby is an angel and stuff so a lighter colored background would be a little more suitable… also, perhaps it is just me, but I think that Abby’s eyes on the poster just look a little too dark because of the eyeliner which doesn’t make her look that angelic...
Forewords: 4/5
Enough to keep me reading but I am a rather picky person and I personally, I like forewords that begin with the story. As in perhaps you could use some event to express the characters emotions? You get me?
Plot: 13/15
Erm, although I won’t say that it was totally new or anything, but it was certainly a story worth reading. =D
Flow: 7/10
Nice speed over there. Just that I think you might have move a little too fast.
Spelling/Grammer/Vocabulary: 7/10
Occasional error from place to place. But you said that it was because of Microsoft Word right? So I guess that other than that, it should be alright. =D
Characterization: 8/10
Nicely depicted and I could see that your characters attitude throughout the whole story did not contradict with your forewords which is something that most writers fail to do.
Orginality: 6.5/10
I don’t know. It was kind of refreshing and stuff throughout the whole thing. But if you were to break the elements and events of your story, you will see that the plot has been used in different places before. Like angel coming to earth, angel-mortal love, depression when your beloved dies, etc etc.
Writing style: 3/5
Alright and stuff. But just a little too much speech… more descriptions would have help =D
Overall enjoyment: 7/10
Had a great time reviewing =D
Overall score: 76.5 /100
Thursday, 16 July 2009
Lost Prince by MKL
Title: Lost Prince
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/MKL4/
Reviewer: hanichan32319
Title: 4/5
You caught my attention right off the bat! A picture of Jaejoong with the title made me think, “Did he get lost or something? XD”
Poster/Background: 9/10
I would give you a perfect score, but Jaejoong holding the gun confused me. Was there any need to have that in the poster? Other than that, it’s lovely. Jae standing next to a plane gave the impression of a WWII pilot. The background matched the poster, and it was easy to read the font.
Forewords: 5/5
Absolutely nothing wrong with your forewords. All is good there. You gave a small preview of the story, explained it was for a challenge and even included your title in the dialogue. Nice work!
Plot: 14/15
Everything fit together at the end, and it was a very romantic plot…<3 YAY!
Flow: 9/10
For a quick second, during the flashback/story, I was confused. I didn’t know if you were talking about the modern day couple or the WWII couple. But everything cleared up as I kept reading. Just be careful, okay? It’s nothing serious, just a helpful hit, okay?
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 10/10
I found almost no mistakes in your work. ^^
Characterization: 9/10
I only had one small beef, and that was with you not really talking much about Mr. Lee. However, since there is only so much you can say in a oneshot, I won’t dock you too many points.
Orginality: 9/10
You don’t see many things on winglin involving World War II. I was pleasantly surprised at that.
Writing style: 5/5
You didn’t lose me, unlike a lot of authors that switch POV every five sentences.
Overall enjoyment: 10/10
This is like the first time I have honest to God L O V E D a story that I’ve reviewed. You made me cry at the end, but they were happy tears. I cried when the old woman was talking about how she’d be joining her husband soon. That really touched my heart. You did a freaking awesome job!!!
Overall score: 84/100
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/MKL4/
Reviewer: hanichan32319
Title: 4/5
You caught my attention right off the bat! A picture of Jaejoong with the title made me think, “Did he get lost or something? XD”
Poster/Background: 9/10
I would give you a perfect score, but Jaejoong holding the gun confused me. Was there any need to have that in the poster? Other than that, it’s lovely. Jae standing next to a plane gave the impression of a WWII pilot. The background matched the poster, and it was easy to read the font.
Forewords: 5/5
Absolutely nothing wrong with your forewords. All is good there. You gave a small preview of the story, explained it was for a challenge and even included your title in the dialogue. Nice work!
Plot: 14/15
Everything fit together at the end, and it was a very romantic plot…<3 YAY!
Flow: 9/10
For a quick second, during the flashback/story, I was confused. I didn’t know if you were talking about the modern day couple or the WWII couple. But everything cleared up as I kept reading. Just be careful, okay? It’s nothing serious, just a helpful hit, okay?
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 10/10
I found almost no mistakes in your work. ^^
Characterization: 9/10
I only had one small beef, and that was with you not really talking much about Mr. Lee. However, since there is only so much you can say in a oneshot, I won’t dock you too many points.
Orginality: 9/10
You don’t see many things on winglin involving World War II. I was pleasantly surprised at that.
Writing style: 5/5
You didn’t lose me, unlike a lot of authors that switch POV every five sentences.
Overall enjoyment: 10/10
This is like the first time I have honest to God L O V E D a story that I’ve reviewed. You made me cry at the end, but they were happy tears. I cried when the old woman was talking about how she’d be joining her husband soon. That really touched my heart. You did a freaking awesome job!!!
Overall score: 84/100
Wednesday, 15 July 2009
One more, just one more chance by Mai
One more, just one more chance by Mai
http://winglin.net/fanfic/mangalover93_1/
Reviewed by changminXmc @ lostshadows.co.nr
*Take note that I have nothing against this author or is bashing him/her. Please don't take this seriously, but only as advice to improve your writing.
Title: 3/5
- Title wasn't really fit for the story. But I guess it somehow did have a connection with it.
Poster/Background: 7/10
-I think the poster is really pretty, but the background should've been purple. Thats just how I felt but none other less, it didn't bother me.
Forewords: 4/5
- I thought the forward was really short, yet, it was really sad and interesting. But I think you could've wrote more.
Plot: 13/15
- I wasn't sure what to give you, but I guess your plot was pretty good. I liked it.
Flow: 9/10
- Your flow wasn't fast or too slow, but I think you could've wrote more details or more to some parts of the story.
Spelling/Grammer/Vocabulary: 8/10
-I did see a few grammars but not really noticable.
Characterization: 9/10
- In the forward, you told us about the pairing, but didn't reall tell us about them. But it was ok, since we were going to find out later in the story of how the character acts.
Orginality: 8/10
- I don't see that much plots like this, well half of the plot was orignal, but the other half was something new. I think you were really creative with this plot.
Writing style: 3/5
-I really did not like how you wrote this story. I mean for example, you would continuely write "you" when it should've been "I, Me, Myself, Mine". It was getting on my nerves but I thought that it was ok. So you might want to change those "you" to "I, Me, Myself, Mine." It would sound much better and make more sense.
Overall enjoyment: 8/10
- I guess this story was really interesting towards the ending. When you killed the girl, I thought, it was kinda harsh how you killed her off like that. Though I understand that she hurt Seung Ri and she should get hurt too but thought it was kinda harsh. And never did I ever think you would kill Seung Ri off like that. I was like omg! You killed him! It was sad that Ji Young realized it too late. All that really threw me off, and it was interesting. You did a great job writing this story!
Overall score: 72/100
http://winglin.net/fanfic/mangalover93_1/
Reviewed by changminXmc @ lostshadows.co.nr
*Take note that I have nothing against this author or is bashing him/her. Please don't take this seriously, but only as advice to improve your writing.
Title: 3/5
- Title wasn't really fit for the story. But I guess it somehow did have a connection with it.
Poster/Background: 7/10
-I think the poster is really pretty, but the background should've been purple. Thats just how I felt but none other less, it didn't bother me.
Forewords: 4/5
- I thought the forward was really short, yet, it was really sad and interesting. But I think you could've wrote more.
Plot: 13/15
- I wasn't sure what to give you, but I guess your plot was pretty good. I liked it.
Flow: 9/10
- Your flow wasn't fast or too slow, but I think you could've wrote more details or more to some parts of the story.
Spelling/Grammer/Vocabulary: 8/10
-I did see a few grammars but not really noticable.
Characterization: 9/10
- In the forward, you told us about the pairing, but didn't reall tell us about them. But it was ok, since we were going to find out later in the story of how the character acts.
Orginality: 8/10
- I don't see that much plots like this, well half of the plot was orignal, but the other half was something new. I think you were really creative with this plot.
Writing style: 3/5
-I really did not like how you wrote this story. I mean for example, you would continuely write "you" when it should've been "I, Me, Myself, Mine". It was getting on my nerves but I thought that it was ok. So you might want to change those "you" to "I, Me, Myself, Mine." It would sound much better and make more sense.
Overall enjoyment: 8/10
- I guess this story was really interesting towards the ending. When you killed the girl, I thought, it was kinda harsh how you killed her off like that. Though I understand that she hurt Seung Ri and she should get hurt too but thought it was kinda harsh. And never did I ever think you would kill Seung Ri off like that. I was like omg! You killed him! It was sad that Ji Young realized it too late. All that really threw me off, and it was interesting. You did a great job writing this story!
Overall score: 72/100
Saturday, 11 July 2009
Last Message by RyeoNa Park
Story Title : Last Message
URL : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/PRNmessage/
Author : RyeoNa Park
Reviewed by : SueWey @ Lost Shadows
Title: 3/5
Your title’s simple yet it relates to your story very well but I had to deduct marks because it wasn’t THAT catchy enough to actually grab my attention. I’m sure that there’s a more catchy title plus even though it suits your story very well, but it has already reveal a lot about your story, making it predictable.
Poster/Background: 7/10
Give a round of applause for yourself for making both the poster and background for yourself. I salute authors who could make these for their own story ( even though I, myself requests for these myself. Bleh! ). I would give you full marks but I have to stay my job as a reviewer.
Your selection for the pictures were perfect, it did show that the story’s going to be depressing but your choice of colors didn’t really reflect your story. Try using some dark or dull colors to help reflect your story since it’s not one of those happy endings. And if possible, change the color of your font to another dark color other than black. Because I have difficulty reading ( or maybe I just need specs lol! ) some parts of your story where the background had dark colors.
Forewords: 2/5
I noticed that there were two forewords… and… I didn’t know if I should review both or what ( lolwtf! ). So, I settled down to review your first one ( ^^v ).
Your foreword is tremendously short, truthfully. You could have maybe put a short introduction or a short paragraph extracted from the story ( but of course, without revealing too much of your plot ) instead of this way. Not that there’s anything wrong with your forewords now but I’m sure it could have been better. I still gave you marks cause at least you put something up.
Plot: 12/15
It was short and simple yet it was enjoyable. I loved how you describe your settings and SooYoung’s perspective though I would love to see more about both Sungmin and SooYoung. Sadly, I sort of already knew how your story would go from just seeing your title.
Flow: 10/10
I’ve nothing to say here, really. It was all going perfectly well for a one-short. Give another round of applause to yourself.
Spelling/Grammer/Vocabulary: 9/10
And again, another round of applause for yourself cause I did not spot any spelling mistakes in the story. Not everyone can avoid that, ya know ( *wags eyebrows* ). Vocabulary was above average ( *nods* ).
But, I do spot some gammar mistakes, no worries, they’re not major mistakes. But I guess I do not have to write it down again, since I see that Sung.ii.ee already gave out the examples for me.
Characterization: 4/10
I believe that you could’ve done way better since you have such lovely vocabulary. Even though I did mentioned that you have describe SooYoung’s perspective quite well but I still do not know much about her other than that she loved Sungmin dearly. Same goes to Sungmin. All I know is that he wasn’t his usual self which is what(?) other than his cheerful self. Even though that this is just a one shot but I would still want to see who they are. Not just she loves him and he loves her, the end.
Orginality: 7/10
Even though I did say that your story’s enjoyable to read but that’s because it’s the way how you wrote it out that made it look like it was original. But truthfully and sadly, I’ve seen plots like this a couple of times.
Writing style: 5/5
I simply love your writing style. It was neat, understandable and detailed. Nice.
Overall enjoyment: 6/10
I gotta admit that I enjoyed reading your story cause of your writing style. Yet, I didn’t give you full marks was because I already knew how your storyline would turn out like so it wasn’t that much fun or like a surprise ( roflwtf! Teehee ).
Overall score: 65/100
Yo. I’m sorry for taking a super duper long time to review your one shot! *blush blush* I felt so ashamed~~ I was busy with my school life and all that I didn’t really have the time to go online and check on my inbox for requests~ *bows down apologectically*. Anyway, I hope that you’re satisfied with my review and please don’t get discourage by the marks given to you. Afterall, they’re just numbers! It’s the comments that will help you improve, right right? Teehee ^^v
URL : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/PRNmessage/
Author : RyeoNa Park
Reviewed by : SueWey @ Lost Shadows
Title: 3/5
Your title’s simple yet it relates to your story very well but I had to deduct marks because it wasn’t THAT catchy enough to actually grab my attention. I’m sure that there’s a more catchy title plus even though it suits your story very well, but it has already reveal a lot about your story, making it predictable.
Poster/Background: 7/10
Give a round of applause for yourself for making both the poster and background for yourself. I salute authors who could make these for their own story ( even though I, myself requests for these myself. Bleh! ). I would give you full marks but I have to stay my job as a reviewer.
Your selection for the pictures were perfect, it did show that the story’s going to be depressing but your choice of colors didn’t really reflect your story. Try using some dark or dull colors to help reflect your story since it’s not one of those happy endings. And if possible, change the color of your font to another dark color other than black. Because I have difficulty reading ( or maybe I just need specs lol! ) some parts of your story where the background had dark colors.
Forewords: 2/5
I noticed that there were two forewords… and… I didn’t know if I should review both or what ( lolwtf! ). So, I settled down to review your first one ( ^^v ).
Your foreword is tremendously short, truthfully. You could have maybe put a short introduction or a short paragraph extracted from the story ( but of course, without revealing too much of your plot ) instead of this way. Not that there’s anything wrong with your forewords now but I’m sure it could have been better. I still gave you marks cause at least you put something up.
Plot: 12/15
It was short and simple yet it was enjoyable. I loved how you describe your settings and SooYoung’s perspective though I would love to see more about both Sungmin and SooYoung. Sadly, I sort of already knew how your story would go from just seeing your title.
Flow: 10/10
I’ve nothing to say here, really. It was all going perfectly well for a one-short. Give another round of applause to yourself.
Spelling/Grammer/Vocabulary: 9/10
And again, another round of applause for yourself cause I did not spot any spelling mistakes in the story. Not everyone can avoid that, ya know ( *wags eyebrows* ). Vocabulary was above average ( *nods* ).
But, I do spot some gammar mistakes, no worries, they’re not major mistakes. But I guess I do not have to write it down again, since I see that Sung.ii.ee already gave out the examples for me.
Characterization: 4/10
I believe that you could’ve done way better since you have such lovely vocabulary. Even though I did mentioned that you have describe SooYoung’s perspective quite well but I still do not know much about her other than that she loved Sungmin dearly. Same goes to Sungmin. All I know is that he wasn’t his usual self which is what(?) other than his cheerful self. Even though that this is just a one shot but I would still want to see who they are. Not just she loves him and he loves her, the end.
Orginality: 7/10
Even though I did say that your story’s enjoyable to read but that’s because it’s the way how you wrote it out that made it look like it was original. But truthfully and sadly, I’ve seen plots like this a couple of times.
Writing style: 5/5
I simply love your writing style. It was neat, understandable and detailed. Nice.
Overall enjoyment: 6/10
I gotta admit that I enjoyed reading your story cause of your writing style. Yet, I didn’t give you full marks was because I already knew how your storyline would turn out like so it wasn’t that much fun or like a surprise ( roflwtf! Teehee ).
Overall score: 65/100
Yo. I’m sorry for taking a super duper long time to review your one shot! *blush blush* I felt so ashamed~~ I was busy with my school life and all that I didn’t really have the time to go online and check on my inbox for requests~ *bows down apologectically*. Anyway, I hope that you’re satisfied with my review and please don’t get discourage by the marks given to you. Afterall, they’re just numbers! It’s the comments that will help you improve, right right? Teehee ^^v
Wednesday, 8 July 2009
Love from a Corner by _miki
Story Title: Love from a Corner
URL: http://winglin.net/fanfic/yukimura/
Author: _miki
Reviewed by: Moon Mistress @ Lost Shadows
Title: 2.5/5
Your title sounds cool but I don’t really see the “corner” part unless you are talking about Jaejoong loving her from aside?
Poster/Background: 7/10
Pretty, but lacking quote ~ xD
Yep, I just feel that a quote makes the poster YOURS, so yes =D
Forewords: 2.5/5
One thing to note, do not criticize your own writing by asking others to not take in too much of your writing because this actually makes one treat your writing as something… inferior?
Erm, you said that I was a “not-so-poor girl” so are you saying that I am from an average family? But if I am, why will my family need me to work to get money?
Personally, if there is something that I dislike, it will actually be the rules? I mean, I don’t like them… As in I believe that by reading your story constantly, it is already something to be happy about and so I don’t think that it should be made compulsory to comment… I mean if you want comments, you find ways to make them comment voluntarily… Won’t you feel much happier if they commented on their own?
Oh yes, and finally, no short forms like “psp” okay? =D Unless you actually do Playstation Portable (PSP) Alright??
Plot: 9/15
Erm, your plot I believe is something that grows onto a person. As in initially, I was a little bored out by your story because well… I am a rather realistic person, and I believe that you will agree with me that there are quite a number of things that will not happen in real life that you wrote about. However, I eventually came to overlook them and just read your story and I must say that I did get interested. =D but just one thing I will say that the change of feelings and character that “I” undergo might be a little too big. You get me?
Flow: 6/10
Personally, I think that he feel in love with her too quickly? And she changed overnight too… but overall I understood all that you were trying to bring across.
Spelling/Grammer/Vocabulary: 6.5/10
Grammar errors darling… spelling is not that bad though. More descriptive words can actually be applied.
Characterization: 5/10
Personally, you weren’t even writing in first person. You mostly used words like “she”, “her” and “girl” when describing the reader. In fact, I didn’t even know the person you were referring to was the female lead. You were obviously writing in third person. I mean, one who is in the story will obviously not know what happened to Yoochun. So perhaps you should just have used a real character for the girl. Secondly, the thing is when you are in first person, you can only understand yourself and nobody else and their thoughts, you can’t direct them. Lastly, all of us reading will have different personalities and reactions so I just feel that it might have had been more suitable if you had decided to write in third person’s point of view.
Orginality: 5.5/10
Personally, I think the story seems a little cliché. It is just like a different version of Cinderella. Poor girl works for rich man, they fall in love, happily ever after. Though you may have injected elements of your own, the general idea still revolves around that plot.
Writing style: 2.5/5
Personally, I like being SHOWN rather then told… you often write statements that directly TELL me what you want to bring out…
For example you may say, “She is pretty.” But it will actually be much better if you show me how pretty she is instead. You get me?
Just like what I said up there, the first person point of view is really confusing you and you tend to mix up… making it rather weird…
Overall enjoyment: 6.5/10
It was alright, but I believe that you can do much better =D
Overall score: 53/100
I am sure that you will get a much better score at the end =D So request from us again? Hope that you are satisfied with my review. Feel free to approach me if you face any problems with your review =D
URL: http://winglin.net/fanfic/yukimura/
Author: _miki
Reviewed by: Moon Mistress @ Lost Shadows
Title: 2.5/5
Your title sounds cool but I don’t really see the “corner” part unless you are talking about Jaejoong loving her from aside?
Poster/Background: 7/10
Pretty, but lacking quote ~ xD
Yep, I just feel that a quote makes the poster YOURS, so yes =D
Forewords: 2.5/5
One thing to note, do not criticize your own writing by asking others to not take in too much of your writing because this actually makes one treat your writing as something… inferior?
Erm, you said that I was a “not-so-poor girl” so are you saying that I am from an average family? But if I am, why will my family need me to work to get money?
Personally, if there is something that I dislike, it will actually be the rules? I mean, I don’t like them… As in I believe that by reading your story constantly, it is already something to be happy about and so I don’t think that it should be made compulsory to comment… I mean if you want comments, you find ways to make them comment voluntarily… Won’t you feel much happier if they commented on their own?
Oh yes, and finally, no short forms like “psp” okay? =D Unless you actually do Playstation Portable (PSP) Alright??
Plot: 9/15
Erm, your plot I believe is something that grows onto a person. As in initially, I was a little bored out by your story because well… I am a rather realistic person, and I believe that you will agree with me that there are quite a number of things that will not happen in real life that you wrote about. However, I eventually came to overlook them and just read your story and I must say that I did get interested. =D but just one thing I will say that the change of feelings and character that “I” undergo might be a little too big. You get me?
Flow: 6/10
Personally, I think that he feel in love with her too quickly? And she changed overnight too… but overall I understood all that you were trying to bring across.
Spelling/Grammer/Vocabulary: 6.5/10
Grammar errors darling… spelling is not that bad though. More descriptive words can actually be applied.
Characterization: 5/10
Personally, you weren’t even writing in first person. You mostly used words like “she”, “her” and “girl” when describing the reader. In fact, I didn’t even know the person you were referring to was the female lead. You were obviously writing in third person. I mean, one who is in the story will obviously not know what happened to Yoochun. So perhaps you should just have used a real character for the girl. Secondly, the thing is when you are in first person, you can only understand yourself and nobody else and their thoughts, you can’t direct them. Lastly, all of us reading will have different personalities and reactions so I just feel that it might have had been more suitable if you had decided to write in third person’s point of view.
Orginality: 5.5/10
Personally, I think the story seems a little cliché. It is just like a different version of Cinderella. Poor girl works for rich man, they fall in love, happily ever after. Though you may have injected elements of your own, the general idea still revolves around that plot.
Writing style: 2.5/5
Personally, I like being SHOWN rather then told… you often write statements that directly TELL me what you want to bring out…
For example you may say, “She is pretty.” But it will actually be much better if you show me how pretty she is instead. You get me?
Just like what I said up there, the first person point of view is really confusing you and you tend to mix up… making it rather weird…
Overall enjoyment: 6.5/10
It was alright, but I believe that you can do much better =D
Overall score: 53/100
I am sure that you will get a much better score at the end =D So request from us again? Hope that you are satisfied with my review. Feel free to approach me if you face any problems with your review =D
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