Author: ` hottest s h i n e e vip
Story Title : Painted Emotions [ Complete A.M Challenge )
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/mindeejaeeunO3/
Reviewer: DarkAngel | lostshadows.co.nr
Title: 5/5
-Since this is an entry for a challenge that already has a name, it would be unnecessary to deduct points.
Poster/Background: 10/10
-I love your poster. It reminds me of a movie poster. It gives off a mysterious feeling that goes along with the story. The text is easy to read and the background is nice.
Forewords: 5/5
-Your forewords made me want to read your story. The prologue was mysterious and interesting. That’s what I like. It also told us about the characters a little.
Plot: 13/15
-The plot is nice, though you could have done more to the characters after the car crash. Amnesia is common in stories, but it would be more interesting if you would have spiced things up more.
Flow: 8/10
-Everything except when she woke up after the crash was understandable. Shouldn’t she be in the hospital after the accident? Shouldn’t her father be more worried since she just woke up?
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 15/15
-I couldn’t find any spelling or grammar errors, so that’s good. It would have been better if you placed some bigger words.
Characterization: 9/10
-Your character is different from all of the others that I’ve read. Seo Sungye has an interesting personality. You really explained her personality a lot, so kudos for that. I didn’t catch many things about WonBin though.
Originality: 9/10
-Like I said, the amnesia is a bit common. The ending was NOT the way I expected it to be. It was amazing!
Writing style: 8/10
-Your style wasn’t messy or anything. It’s just I think you should make paragraphs instead of punching ‘enter’ after each sentence. Other than that, I have not problem.
Overall enjoyment: 8/10
-I liked it, but there wasn’t much romance. Also, I’ve read another entry for the story and it was a bit similar to this.
Overall score: 90/100
Here you go! ^^ I hope it helps you!
Sunday, 31 January 2010
My Doll Prince by WonderBinnie
Author: WonderBinnie
Title: My Doll Prince
Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/WonderBinnie2/
Reviewer: Rachi @ Lost Shadows
Title: 4/5 ~ I liked the title but I think it could have been a bit more creative. Yes, it does relate completely to the story but it’s a tiny bit bland.
Poster/Background: 10/10 ~ I liked the simplicity of the poster and background. I had no trouble reading the text so everything was fine here :] I also think the theme related a lot to your story and just added to the overall feel of the plot.
Forewords: 4/5 ~ There were some grammar and format issues in the forewords, I think that took quite a lot away from what you were actually trying to say. The foreword itself was very attention-grabbing and I liked how you added the “what happens when your childhood doll turns into a real human?” part, that was very classy; lose the “well read this story and you’ll see part” because that was very NOT original and sounds like you’re advertising.
Plot: 15/15 ~ I really, really liked your plot, I feel like it was all very interesting and exciting. It was very original and I loved the way you told it.
Flow: 8/10 ~ Some parts of the story could definitely been elaborated on a bit more because it would have made the story flow together nicer. Introducing JJ was one of these parts, I wish you’d transitioned a bit smoother when you talked about him turning into a doll or when he went back to his doll mansion…these parts seemed really abrupt and was like a “wait, what that just happened?” sort of thing, which is something you never want the readers to be thinking.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 9/15 ~ There were many grammar issues and these took away so much from the story and made it less enjoyable. “Umm…probably I just sleep.” was an example of a grammar issue, it should be “I’ll probably just sleep.” “How bout I took you out for dinner?” is another classic example of a verb tense used wrong, it should be “take.” I think you’ll find many similar errors throughout the story. Punctuation was left out a lot after a character says something. There should always be a period after someone says something, even if it’s in quotation marks.
Characterization: 8/10 ~ I feel like you could have definitely gone more in-depth about the characters and their personalities. One of the most important elements to a story is detail and personification; this helps the reader get a mental image of what the character might look like, or better yet, as if they know this character in person. I got a blurry sense of what the characters were like in your story because you did a lot of “telling” instead of “showing” and sometimes, not even that. I wish I could have known more about the character’s personalities from their actions or their tone.
Originality: 10/10 ~ My favorite thing about this story was how original it was. I’m sure there’s a story like this somewhere but your storyline and plot was just extremely unique and I was very entertained the whole time!
Writing style: 8/10 ~ Mainly, I hope you work on your paragraph formatting and spacing. There should be a double space between every line, even when there is dialogue because this makes the story cleaner and clearer. Also, after a character says something, you should always skip down 2 lines before talking about something else; this also contributes to clarity.
Overall enjoyment: 9/10 ~ Like I said, I loved your plot and storyline a lot, I just wish there were less grammatical issues and better format.
Overall score: 85/100
Title: My Doll Prince
Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/WonderBinnie2/
Reviewer: Rachi @ Lost Shadows
Title: 4/5 ~ I liked the title but I think it could have been a bit more creative. Yes, it does relate completely to the story but it’s a tiny bit bland.
Poster/Background: 10/10 ~ I liked the simplicity of the poster and background. I had no trouble reading the text so everything was fine here :] I also think the theme related a lot to your story and just added to the overall feel of the plot.
Forewords: 4/5 ~ There were some grammar and format issues in the forewords, I think that took quite a lot away from what you were actually trying to say. The foreword itself was very attention-grabbing and I liked how you added the “what happens when your childhood doll turns into a real human?” part, that was very classy; lose the “well read this story and you’ll see part” because that was very NOT original and sounds like you’re advertising.
Plot: 15/15 ~ I really, really liked your plot, I feel like it was all very interesting and exciting. It was very original and I loved the way you told it.
Flow: 8/10 ~ Some parts of the story could definitely been elaborated on a bit more because it would have made the story flow together nicer. Introducing JJ was one of these parts, I wish you’d transitioned a bit smoother when you talked about him turning into a doll or when he went back to his doll mansion…these parts seemed really abrupt and was like a “wait, what that just happened?” sort of thing, which is something you never want the readers to be thinking.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 9/15 ~ There were many grammar issues and these took away so much from the story and made it less enjoyable. “Umm…probably I just sleep.” was an example of a grammar issue, it should be “I’ll probably just sleep.” “How bout I took you out for dinner?” is another classic example of a verb tense used wrong, it should be “take.” I think you’ll find many similar errors throughout the story. Punctuation was left out a lot after a character says something. There should always be a period after someone says something, even if it’s in quotation marks.
Characterization: 8/10 ~ I feel like you could have definitely gone more in-depth about the characters and their personalities. One of the most important elements to a story is detail and personification; this helps the reader get a mental image of what the character might look like, or better yet, as if they know this character in person. I got a blurry sense of what the characters were like in your story because you did a lot of “telling” instead of “showing” and sometimes, not even that. I wish I could have known more about the character’s personalities from their actions or their tone.
Originality: 10/10 ~ My favorite thing about this story was how original it was. I’m sure there’s a story like this somewhere but your storyline and plot was just extremely unique and I was very entertained the whole time!
Writing style: 8/10 ~ Mainly, I hope you work on your paragraph formatting and spacing. There should be a double space between every line, even when there is dialogue because this makes the story cleaner and clearer. Also, after a character says something, you should always skip down 2 lines before talking about something else; this also contributes to clarity.
Overall enjoyment: 9/10 ~ Like I said, I loved your plot and storyline a lot, I just wish there were less grammatical issues and better format.
Overall score: 85/100
A Friend’s Confession by geesoo
Title: A Friend’s Confession
Author: geesoo
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/01GEE/
Reviewed by: jjwyl@lostshadows.co.nr
Title: 3/5
Your title seems to be really plain and straightforward. I would suggest having a title that has more of a meaning and is more meaningful and more complicated. That will make the readers feel interested and feel like they want to know what the story is about.
Poster/Background: 8/10
The overall appearance is great. Your poster looks fantastic and it really blends together well with the font color and background color. But in the poster, all the characters doesn’t seem to be too sad, especially Wooyoung, who should be the one with the depressed expression. In the story, he seems to be the one who gets hurt the most, so I think it would be reasonable to have a picture of him sad.
Forewords: 3.5/5
Your foreword looks great and sounds great. The length is quite appropriate. But the one thing I don’t really like is that it’s so repetitive. And also, it seems like the main characters falls in ‘love’ with so many boys at such a young age.
Plot: 12/15
The overall story was predictable. It was really easy to tell that Jisoo would end up with Wooyoung. But the ending was kind of weird. It was such a sudden end. I didn’t like how you didn’t write about Jay finding out about Jisoo and Wooyoung together. You could have added something about that just so the readers aren’t having a cliffhanger.
Flow: 9/10
The flow of the story was well done, but I thought the ending was just a bit rushed. It seemed like Jisoo wasn’t expecting anything at all. And Wooyoung’s confession was so sudden.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 14/15
I didn’t find any grammar or spelling mistakes in your story. You know when to use the right tenses. But I suggest you use a wider range of vocabulary. Make your story look like you know a lot of words.
Characterization: 8/10
I understood what type of person Jisoo and Wooyoung were. And I liked how you described the scene and the way they dress. But because you had the manager and the rest of 2PM in the story, I wasn’t clearly able to see their description. When adding new characters, have a bit of information on each of them.
Originality: 7/10
Even as the first event of their date, you picked a theme park. I found that to be really cliché and really commonly used in other stories and also in dramas. It was interesting to find them going to a theme park but having Jisoo not getting killed by the fangirls. The ending was predictable too.
Writing style: 9/10
I really like the writing style that you have. It’s simple and easy to read. Everything is so neat and organized. But the one thing I would recommend would probably to cut down the length of your paragraphs. I found that some of your paragraphs are really long. But that’s just me. I like paragraphs that have about five to six sentences.
Overall enjoyment: 8.5/10
I just didn’t like the ending. It felt like something was missing.
Overall score: 82/100
Author: geesoo
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/01GEE/
Reviewed by: jjwyl@lostshadows.co.nr
Title: 3/5
Your title seems to be really plain and straightforward. I would suggest having a title that has more of a meaning and is more meaningful and more complicated. That will make the readers feel interested and feel like they want to know what the story is about.
Poster/Background: 8/10
The overall appearance is great. Your poster looks fantastic and it really blends together well with the font color and background color. But in the poster, all the characters doesn’t seem to be too sad, especially Wooyoung, who should be the one with the depressed expression. In the story, he seems to be the one who gets hurt the most, so I think it would be reasonable to have a picture of him sad.
Forewords: 3.5/5
Your foreword looks great and sounds great. The length is quite appropriate. But the one thing I don’t really like is that it’s so repetitive. And also, it seems like the main characters falls in ‘love’ with so many boys at such a young age.
Plot: 12/15
The overall story was predictable. It was really easy to tell that Jisoo would end up with Wooyoung. But the ending was kind of weird. It was such a sudden end. I didn’t like how you didn’t write about Jay finding out about Jisoo and Wooyoung together. You could have added something about that just so the readers aren’t having a cliffhanger.
Flow: 9/10
The flow of the story was well done, but I thought the ending was just a bit rushed. It seemed like Jisoo wasn’t expecting anything at all. And Wooyoung’s confession was so sudden.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 14/15
I didn’t find any grammar or spelling mistakes in your story. You know when to use the right tenses. But I suggest you use a wider range of vocabulary. Make your story look like you know a lot of words.
Characterization: 8/10
I understood what type of person Jisoo and Wooyoung were. And I liked how you described the scene and the way they dress. But because you had the manager and the rest of 2PM in the story, I wasn’t clearly able to see their description. When adding new characters, have a bit of information on each of them.
Originality: 7/10
Even as the first event of their date, you picked a theme park. I found that to be really cliché and really commonly used in other stories and also in dramas. It was interesting to find them going to a theme park but having Jisoo not getting killed by the fangirls. The ending was predictable too.
Writing style: 9/10
I really like the writing style that you have. It’s simple and easy to read. Everything is so neat and organized. But the one thing I would recommend would probably to cut down the length of your paragraphs. I found that some of your paragraphs are really long. But that’s just me. I like paragraphs that have about five to six sentences.
Overall enjoyment: 8.5/10
I just didn’t like the ending. It felt like something was missing.
Overall score: 82/100
Monday, 25 January 2010
A Fangirl's Letter by geesoo
Fanfic Title: A Fangirl's Letter
Author: geesoo
Fanfic Url:http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/02GEE/
Reviewed by : Airah
Title: 5/5
I think that your title really fits the story because it really is about a fangirl's letter. But I don't think its very eye-catching.
Poster/Background: 9.5/10
I love the poster! I think what really got me is the quote. It sort of pulled me and I really want to know what she wrote. I see that your background is plain black but I still think its good. =)
Forewords: 5/5
Your forewords included everything. Though you could have introduced the characters, but since its a one-shot I wouldn't take away any points.
Plot: 15/15
I really like your plot. It has a certain something that other one-shots doesn't have.
Flow: 10/10
Perfectly paced. It wasn't slow nor fast.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 14.5/15
I just notice that you spelled plane wrong you put plan. Everything else looks fine.
Characterization: 10/10
You captured the characters personaility.
Orginality: 10/10
I can truthfully say that I have never read anything like this.
Writing style: 10/10
Doesn't look messy. Easy to understand and very clear.
Overall enjoyment: 10/10
Loved it~!! Thanks for an awesome story~!
Overall score: 99/100
*I knew from the beginning that I wouldn't give you a crappy score!*
Author: geesoo
Fanfic Url:http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/02GEE/
Reviewed by : Airah
Title: 5/5
I think that your title really fits the story because it really is about a fangirl's letter. But I don't think its very eye-catching.
Poster/Background: 9.5/10
I love the poster! I think what really got me is the quote. It sort of pulled me and I really want to know what she wrote. I see that your background is plain black but I still think its good. =)
Forewords: 5/5
Your forewords included everything. Though you could have introduced the characters, but since its a one-shot I wouldn't take away any points.
Plot: 15/15
I really like your plot. It has a certain something that other one-shots doesn't have.
Flow: 10/10
Perfectly paced. It wasn't slow nor fast.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 14.5/15
I just notice that you spelled plane wrong you put plan. Everything else looks fine.
Characterization: 10/10
You captured the characters personaility.
Orginality: 10/10
I can truthfully say that I have never read anything like this.
Writing style: 10/10
Doesn't look messy. Easy to understand and very clear.
Overall enjoyment: 10/10
Loved it~!! Thanks for an awesome story~!
Overall score: 99/100
*I knew from the beginning that I wouldn't give you a crappy score!*
Saturday, 23 January 2010
stop think..is it really love that we feel?? by kanhosa301
Fanfic Title: stop think..is it really love that we feel??
Author: kanhosa301
Fanfic Url: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/kanhosa301/
Reviewed by: Airah @ lostshadows.co.nr
Title: 2/5- First of all the title is too long. Its not even capitalized. Second, the title is not very eye catching. I notice that you shortened it to stop think.... I at least think that you should capitalize that to: Stop Think....
Poster/Background: 6/10- The poster isn't really eye catching but its alright. The background didn't interfere with the text so that's good.
Forewords: 4/5- I think that you were missing something in your foreword. But I do like the fact that you introduced the characters.
Plot: 11/15- I like your plot but some parts were pretty predictable.
Flow: 9/10- Wasn't really slow or fast. Keep it like that.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 12/15- I saw in your forewords that you apologize for wrong grammar. And I did see some. But I won't nag about that. But what I do want to nag about is the YOUR POV thing. When it says YOUR POV that means you have to use I, me, or myself.
Another thing is that you put a thought that the reader had on Jaejoong's POV. That shouldn't happen because there should be no way that a reader's thought would be there because Jae isn't inside her head.
Characterization: 9/10-You captured the characters personality but you could have put a name instead of _______.
Originality: 9/10- Very creative but not that original. Some parts, like I said are too predictable.
Writing style: 8/10- The paragraphs looks messy. You made it more messy by putting the links. Instead of putting the links maybe you could describe it or just put the links in the beginning or end of the chapter.
Overall enjoyment: 10/10- I think that I was a reader of your before because I remember the 'jacket' thingy. XD I was like oh yeah! I remember this!
Overall score: 71/100
Author: kanhosa301
Fanfic Url: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/kanhosa301/
Reviewed by: Airah @ lostshadows.co.nr
Title: 2/5- First of all the title is too long. Its not even capitalized. Second, the title is not very eye catching. I notice that you shortened it to stop think.... I at least think that you should capitalize that to: Stop Think....
Poster/Background: 6/10- The poster isn't really eye catching but its alright. The background didn't interfere with the text so that's good.
Forewords: 4/5- I think that you were missing something in your foreword. But I do like the fact that you introduced the characters.
Plot: 11/15- I like your plot but some parts were pretty predictable.
Flow: 9/10- Wasn't really slow or fast. Keep it like that.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 12/15- I saw in your forewords that you apologize for wrong grammar. And I did see some. But I won't nag about that. But what I do want to nag about is the YOUR POV thing. When it says YOUR POV that means you have to use I, me, or myself.
Another thing is that you put a thought that the reader had on Jaejoong's POV. That shouldn't happen because there should be no way that a reader's thought would be there because Jae isn't inside her head.
Characterization: 9/10-You captured the characters personality but you could have put a name instead of _______.
Originality: 9/10- Very creative but not that original. Some parts, like I said are too predictable.
Writing style: 8/10- The paragraphs looks messy. You made it more messy by putting the links. Instead of putting the links maybe you could describe it or just put the links in the beginning or end of the chapter.
Overall enjoyment: 10/10- I think that I was a reader of your before because I remember the 'jacket' thingy. XD I was like oh yeah! I remember this!
Overall score: 71/100
Monday, 18 January 2010
Wanderer by RAINxclouds
Author: RAINxclouds
Title: Wanderer
Link: http://winglin.net/fanfic/wanderer_/
Reviewer: Rachi @ Lost Shadows
Title: 5/5 ~ I liked it, nice and simple is the way to go for certain stories and you managed to pull it off for this one!
Poster/Background: 9/10 ~ I liked the background and poster themselves but I don’t see the connection between that and your story. I don’t think it encompassed the mood.
Forewords: 5/5 ~ Guess what? I think I’ve reviewed one of your stories before and I’m glad you decided to follow the advice of your reviewers (I love it when people do that!) and work on certain things :] Your foreword was so much better this time! I’m glad it was like an excerpt from the story itself but at the same time, was attention grabbing and could act as an introduction. I was kind of scared but it did make me excited to read on.
Plot: 14/15 ~ The plot itself was okay, I think this was more of a rant on your mother then an actual, legit story, huh? :] Because of that, I just couldn’t take it all that seriously haha. Half the time, I’m thinking “this girl’s got personality to manage to write a whole psycho-path horror on how much her mom annoys her.” But I enjoyed it, it was interesting and although it lacked detail and was rather short, it was nice (or should I say scary) to read.
Flow: 8/10 ~ I’m going to have to take some points off for this because there were some parts in the story that were kind of confusing and weren’t as smooth as they could have been, like the part about the 2 year old that her mom adopted, I really wanted more detail and was super confused (and still am) about what he did to her that she couldn’t attend the party. Also, when you mentioned her victims, I was ridiculously confused at what she had done to her mother and the kid (did she kill them?), what had happened between the boy and her (why did she even tell him it was her if she’s supposed to be dead?) and why she had staged her own death (just so she could go around and kill people?) I think that this is mainly because of a huge lack of detail but also because the transitions were kind of awkward.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 15/15 ~ Spelling was perfect and vocabulary was great; your choice of words fit the story so perfectly, I was amazed. The main problem with grammar was that there were some run-on sentences but those were used for emphasis on tone so I’m excusing that.
Characterization: 10/10 ~ I have to say that you characterized Kwon Yuri very, very well. You did a LOT of “showing” her personality in the form of her actions and thoughts instead of just straight-out telling the reader what she was about…I love that. I have no idea why you chose to use Kwon Yuri as the main character though, I don’t think anything about her had to do with story, I think it would’ve been better to just use a fictional character but that’s your choice and it didn’t affect the plot at all so it’s all good.
Orginality: 10/10 ~ Well, since I believe this story was thought up in a moment of emotion haha because you were pissed at your mom, it made it extremely unique and original. Sure, there are tons of psycho-path horror genres out there but this was unique simply because it was based off of what you felt at the time (I’m not saying you’re crazy or anything haha), which always makes the story a work of art.
Writing style: 10/10 ~ I’ve grown to like your writing style with every sentence that I read. It first bothered me how many run-on sentences there were as a result of your format but then I decided that it fit the mood of the story and has a good emphasis on tone.
Overall enjoyment: 10/10 ~ I enjoyed your story a lot :] I just wish there was more to it but I guess the shortness and simplicity of the story contributes to what makes it pretty darn great.
Overall score: 96/100
Title: Wanderer
Link: http://winglin.net/fanfic/wanderer_/
Reviewer: Rachi @ Lost Shadows
Title: 5/5 ~ I liked it, nice and simple is the way to go for certain stories and you managed to pull it off for this one!
Poster/Background: 9/10 ~ I liked the background and poster themselves but I don’t see the connection between that and your story. I don’t think it encompassed the mood.
Forewords: 5/5 ~ Guess what? I think I’ve reviewed one of your stories before and I’m glad you decided to follow the advice of your reviewers (I love it when people do that!) and work on certain things :] Your foreword was so much better this time! I’m glad it was like an excerpt from the story itself but at the same time, was attention grabbing and could act as an introduction. I was kind of scared but it did make me excited to read on.
Plot: 14/15 ~ The plot itself was okay, I think this was more of a rant on your mother then an actual, legit story, huh? :] Because of that, I just couldn’t take it all that seriously haha. Half the time, I’m thinking “this girl’s got personality to manage to write a whole psycho-path horror on how much her mom annoys her.” But I enjoyed it, it was interesting and although it lacked detail and was rather short, it was nice (or should I say scary) to read.
Flow: 8/10 ~ I’m going to have to take some points off for this because there were some parts in the story that were kind of confusing and weren’t as smooth as they could have been, like the part about the 2 year old that her mom adopted, I really wanted more detail and was super confused (and still am) about what he did to her that she couldn’t attend the party. Also, when you mentioned her victims, I was ridiculously confused at what she had done to her mother and the kid (did she kill them?), what had happened between the boy and her (why did she even tell him it was her if she’s supposed to be dead?) and why she had staged her own death (just so she could go around and kill people?) I think that this is mainly because of a huge lack of detail but also because the transitions were kind of awkward.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 15/15 ~ Spelling was perfect and vocabulary was great; your choice of words fit the story so perfectly, I was amazed. The main problem with grammar was that there were some run-on sentences but those were used for emphasis on tone so I’m excusing that.
Characterization: 10/10 ~ I have to say that you characterized Kwon Yuri very, very well. You did a LOT of “showing” her personality in the form of her actions and thoughts instead of just straight-out telling the reader what she was about…I love that. I have no idea why you chose to use Kwon Yuri as the main character though, I don’t think anything about her had to do with story, I think it would’ve been better to just use a fictional character but that’s your choice and it didn’t affect the plot at all so it’s all good.
Orginality: 10/10 ~ Well, since I believe this story was thought up in a moment of emotion haha because you were pissed at your mom, it made it extremely unique and original. Sure, there are tons of psycho-path horror genres out there but this was unique simply because it was based off of what you felt at the time (I’m not saying you’re crazy or anything haha), which always makes the story a work of art.
Writing style: 10/10 ~ I’ve grown to like your writing style with every sentence that I read. It first bothered me how many run-on sentences there were as a result of your format but then I decided that it fit the mood of the story and has a good emphasis on tone.
Overall enjoyment: 10/10 ~ I enjoyed your story a lot :] I just wish there was more to it but I guess the shortness and simplicity of the story contributes to what makes it pretty darn great.
Overall score: 96/100
What Are You? by Love_Joongie
Author: Love_Joongie
Title: What Are You?
Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/WhatAreYou/
Reviewer: Rachi @ Lost Shadows
Title: 4/5 ~ I feel like this story could’ve been just a tiny bit more creative but I like how it describes the story pretty well and fits it. Try for a uniqueness that’ll draw attention next time.
Poster/Background: 9/10 ~ I feel like it was a little dark whereas the story (for the most part) is pretty happy….except for the part where he leaves of course. The poster itself is pretty and Jae is gorgeous :] I just wished it encompassed the mood more.
Forewords: 3/5 ~ This was weird. What does “For someone who can sense unusual can be scared? For someone who can sense unusual can be excited? For someone who can sense unusual can be curious?” It’s either that there are some serious grammar issues here or I’m missing something.
Plot: 15/15 ~ I liked your plot a ton :] It had all the components of a good story: surprises, suspense, and some pretty darn cute moments in between :] The best thing about it was how I never got bored and wanted to read on to the end, I wish it could’ve been a bit longer, I hate cliffhangers!
Flow: 9/10 ~ The transitions were very abrupt at times. The parts where it transitions from her hearing Jae’s voice to when the incidents happen were kind of awkward. It had me wondering “wow, did she really just not think this was weird at all and just go along with it? I would’ve been kind of scared out of my mind.” I wish you had smoother transitions between each scene because they all blended together kind of fast.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 12/15 ~ The spelling for the most part was good, I didn’t catch any mistakes. The grammar was kind of off, the grammar tenses were not consistent (ex. “The presence is still there” should be the presence WAS still there & “Why are you calm” should be why WERE you calm), there was incorrect word choice (ex. “You lied on your bed” should be you LAID on your bed & “I’m going nuts, am I” should be I’m going nuts, AREN’T I & “You jumped a little from startle” should be you jumped a little, STARTLED) Run-on sentences were problematic as well. I liked your choice of words, it fit the story. Points were mainly deducted here for grammar.
Characterization: 7/10 ~ I feel like a LOT more detail could have been added here concerning the characters. Characterization helps the reader get a mental image of what the characters are supposed to look like, based on their personality. I couldn’t get an image at all. There was nothing dialogue-wise or else that revealed anything about the characters. It was mainly just that Jae was a ghost and “you” are some random girl that he apparently likes, you know what I mean? Characterization is one of the most important elements to a good story and without it, the story seems very bland and 2D.
Orginality: 10/10 ~ The element of a protective spirit is prevalent in many, many films, stories, novels, everything. However, the way you told it was what made it unique. I enjoyed the little twists, like how he actually died but was technically not dead and could return whenever he wanted to; this made the story a little more surprising and less cliché.
Writing style: 9/10 ~ I liked your style for the most part, the format of the story was pretty good, everything was clear and readable. One thing though, was the dialogues. After a character speaks in a story, you should space down and start a new paragraph; this is the formal format for all stories. You had the character talk, and then continued on to describe other things, then had someone else talk, all the in the same paragraph. This makes the story messy and confusing.
Overall enjoyment: 9/10 ~ I enjoyed your story very much for the plot. It’s one of those stories that although lack originality, is told in such a creative and unique way that makes it great. The only thing that bothered me was format and grammar. Work on those and it’ll be perfect!
Overall score: 87/100
Title: What Are You?
Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/WhatAreYou/
Reviewer: Rachi @ Lost Shadows
Title: 4/5 ~ I feel like this story could’ve been just a tiny bit more creative but I like how it describes the story pretty well and fits it. Try for a uniqueness that’ll draw attention next time.
Poster/Background: 9/10 ~ I feel like it was a little dark whereas the story (for the most part) is pretty happy….except for the part where he leaves of course. The poster itself is pretty and Jae is gorgeous :] I just wished it encompassed the mood more.
Forewords: 3/5 ~ This was weird. What does “For someone who can sense unusual can be scared? For someone who can sense unusual can be excited? For someone who can sense unusual can be curious?” It’s either that there are some serious grammar issues here or I’m missing something.
Plot: 15/15 ~ I liked your plot a ton :] It had all the components of a good story: surprises, suspense, and some pretty darn cute moments in between :] The best thing about it was how I never got bored and wanted to read on to the end, I wish it could’ve been a bit longer, I hate cliffhangers!
Flow: 9/10 ~ The transitions were very abrupt at times. The parts where it transitions from her hearing Jae’s voice to when the incidents happen were kind of awkward. It had me wondering “wow, did she really just not think this was weird at all and just go along with it? I would’ve been kind of scared out of my mind.” I wish you had smoother transitions between each scene because they all blended together kind of fast.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 12/15 ~ The spelling for the most part was good, I didn’t catch any mistakes. The grammar was kind of off, the grammar tenses were not consistent (ex. “The presence is still there” should be the presence WAS still there & “Why are you calm” should be why WERE you calm), there was incorrect word choice (ex. “You lied on your bed” should be you LAID on your bed & “I’m going nuts, am I” should be I’m going nuts, AREN’T I & “You jumped a little from startle” should be you jumped a little, STARTLED) Run-on sentences were problematic as well. I liked your choice of words, it fit the story. Points were mainly deducted here for grammar.
Characterization: 7/10 ~ I feel like a LOT more detail could have been added here concerning the characters. Characterization helps the reader get a mental image of what the characters are supposed to look like, based on their personality. I couldn’t get an image at all. There was nothing dialogue-wise or else that revealed anything about the characters. It was mainly just that Jae was a ghost and “you” are some random girl that he apparently likes, you know what I mean? Characterization is one of the most important elements to a good story and without it, the story seems very bland and 2D.
Orginality: 10/10 ~ The element of a protective spirit is prevalent in many, many films, stories, novels, everything. However, the way you told it was what made it unique. I enjoyed the little twists, like how he actually died but was technically not dead and could return whenever he wanted to; this made the story a little more surprising and less cliché.
Writing style: 9/10 ~ I liked your style for the most part, the format of the story was pretty good, everything was clear and readable. One thing though, was the dialogues. After a character speaks in a story, you should space down and start a new paragraph; this is the formal format for all stories. You had the character talk, and then continued on to describe other things, then had someone else talk, all the in the same paragraph. This makes the story messy and confusing.
Overall enjoyment: 9/10 ~ I enjoyed your story very much for the plot. It’s one of those stories that although lack originality, is told in such a creative and unique way that makes it great. The only thing that bothered me was format and grammar. Work on those and it’ll be perfect!
Overall score: 87/100
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