My Last Request - _niXiah

Title: My Last Request

Author: _niXiah

Story Link: http://winglin.net/fanfic/_niXIAH12/

Reviewer: Pararae

Site: http://lostshadows.co.nr/



Title: 3/5 I give you 3 because…



1. It suit the plot well as Changmin only wanted to stay by Jun Hee’s side until his last moment on earth. Technically he knows that he can’t be well and will die anyway. So that his last request is to have Jun Hee beside him.
2. It gives a good mood to the story. By just looking at the title, I know it will be a sad story, so I can say that it complement the story well. Because some titles don’t go along with the story so much because of the lack of stressing point in the title. But one shot is easier to write a title because it is straight to the point business and you done it quite well.
3. The title has no spelling mistake and capitalization error.



But you lose 2 marks because



1. It’s not interesting enough. If I go around the winglin in hunt for good story, I would definitely miss yours out, because it’s not eye-catching enough.
2. It’s too simple. Simple is good but too simple is kind of off. Try to find something more sophisticated, something that can attract readers. Use big words or interesting quote in the title to make it better, but the phrase must picture the plot wholly without leaving out the main point of the story.



Poster/Background: 5/10 the poster, text and background need a little more improvement. The color of the text is visible but a little flashy. White is not too suitable with blue because both of them are bright so try to use a contra color combination for example: black and white/ silver and black, black and blue. Because when both the background and the text are bright, it can hurt the readers’ eyes. Even though it’s not too severe but staring at it for a long time could be. The background is too plain. There’s not even a single design at the back. I think more of a complementation design could work to make the story appear stressed. The font in the poster is not suitable for the picture. It’s too bold and seems awkward too.



Forewords: 3/5 you lose 2 because…



1. It looks messy. By staking them without a border line looks really unorganized. Maybe you should try using border line such as: ----- etc to separate the summary from the author note and the detail you placed on top.
2. There’s a lot of mistakes in your summary, for example:

~ There are times when I'll be optimistic.. and there are times when I'll be pessimistic.

(Ellipsis (…) should only appear in a set of 3 and ‘and’ behind the ellipsis should be capital letter because it’s the start of the new sentence.)

~ Mostly, optimistic. Sometimes, I would think that... when I die, I'm lucky because I won't be suffering anymore... that was one of my optimistic sides... another is when... I would think that I would get to see my mom who is in heaven again... I really miss her, a lot, her warm and comfortable hugs, her angelic voice, her sweet scent... there are countless things in which I could describe her. (Same goes here. Whatever word behind ellipsis must be in capital letter and don’t chop your words with ellipsis too much. You could just simply join them or use another punctuation marks such comma or semi colon. For example: Sometimes, I would think that when I die, I'm lucky because I won't be suffering anymore; that was one of my optimistic sides. See, you don’t need ellipsis to separate them. Try to use variety of punctuation to make it more vary.)



Plot: 10/15 let me get this one out; Jun Hee become a temporary nurse to Changmin, later they fall in love and Changmin die after knowing that Jun Hee wants to become a doctor because of him. I think it’s rather common. The theme you use is too overused that you need an ultimate plot make-up to differentiate it from the others. Scene such Changmin met Jun Hee while he’s in subconscious state is good but not too realistic because it happen so quickly and the scene where Jun Hee met Changmin the first time in the hospital is funny, I actually find it adorable how both of them get along so well. The opening is good, but the ending is a bit spoiled, because of the rushing flow, lack of elaboration in a few scenes to make it stand out and the ending is predictable. Writing in Changmin’s point of view at the beginning is good because it bring the mood out; it is him who sick anyway, so the mood is there but the scene is off. You just need to repair how you develop the scene to make it interesting and how to add a few actions and twists to make it better.



Flow: 7/10 the flow of the story is quite fast from the beginning. The relationship between Changmin and Jun Hee develop so fast as in fairytale. I can’t imagine how a sick guy could possibly fall in love with his nurse in just a matter of days. If you say the relationship going for years, I have to say you didn’t develop the relationship properly. The time span between the opening and the ending is too fast, as if they just happen in a blink of an eye, so try to give more space for the time and flow to develop slowly. Don’t rush the plot and don’t force the ending to end faster because it will impair the whole time frame of the story. Elaboration is lacking during those fast forward periods of years and it makes the story still trap in the year they met. So as I said before, don’t haste, take a deep breathe and let the story flow in an acceptable speed.



Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/15 I’ve found a few mistakes, so let’s take a look at this…



1. “I am Kim Jun Hee, you are Shim Changmin, right?” she went towards my bed.

(After quotation mark, ‘she’ supposed to be in capital letter because it’s the start of a new sentence.)



2. I want fresh air and not the cold air coming from the aircon.

(Spelling mistake: aircon. It is supposed to be air-con.)



3. she informed me.

(She is a start of a new sentence, so capital letter should be correct.)



4. “Wow..”

(Ellipsis should only appear in a set of 3. Correction: “Wow…”)



5. she happily and excitedly exclaimed as she handed me down a white paper.

(Again, she supposed to be in capital letter. And ‘handed me down a white paper’ sounds wrong. You cannot hand someone down a white paper, down shouldn’t be in the sentence. You can either write as: She happily and excitedly exclaimed as she handed me a piece of white paper. OR: She happily and excitedly exclaimed as she handed me a white paper.)



6. I asked as I took it from her. She was looking at me with a big smile.

(Don’t chop your sentences; try to combine them if you can. Correction: I asked as I took it from her, and she was looking at me with a big smile.)



7. she pulled away as she sniffed. She wiped with her back hands, the tears that were coming from her eyes.

(Again, mind you capitalization and choppy sentences. Also, it seems that you didn’t arranger your words properly. It supposed to be: ‘she wiped what, with what’, not the other way around. Correction: she pulled away as she sniffed, and she wiped the tears that were coming from her eyes with her back hand.)



8. I covered my mouth as soon as my eyes felt like it’s moving in its own will… left to right, up and down, like it sees something that I cannot understand.

(You are using past tense in your story so don’t mixed it up unless if you need to. Correction: I covered my mouth as soon as my eyes felt like it was moving in its own will; left to right, up and down, like it saw something that I cannot understand.)





9. Seeing her in front of me… it means… we’re both dead. ???

(I wonder if you accidentally placed ‘???’ at the back or you purposely did it. But anyway, you shouldn’t put ‘???’ behind period. It’s supposed to be: we’re both dead???)



10. On why I was here already and why she was crying… all I know… was… I suffered from it again.

(Already is unneeded because ‘was’ already point that Changmin was there/already there, so by putting already in the sentence is repeating.)



11. I feel like my heart is starting to feel tired of beating… I felt like… my eyes wants to close permanently already…

(Correction: I felt like my heart is starting to feel tired of beating… I felt like… my eyes wanted to close permanently…)



12. Out of my Hands

(I know this is a lyric and you might just copy and paste but try to be careful next time because ‘hands’ should be in small letter.)



I realize that you have some problem with past tense, spelling, choppy sentences, capitalization, punctuation marks and clause. I advice you to use spell check if needed but try to revise your story again manually because the mistakes are not hard to find.



Characterization: 6/10 The characterization of Changmin is rather blurry. I can say that he’s sick, tired, talented, optimistic, but I kind of question his sense of relationship. You didn’t provide any sort of aspect that Changmin like in a girl except for cute or funny. Try to make it more detail, even though it is a one shot, because it will exclude Jun Hee from the rest of cute and funny girls in the world. I know there’s a lot. Jun Hee’s character is more or less the same as Changmin. She claimed that her dream of becoming a doctor because after her uncle told her about Changmin’s talent and how he would want to live like other healthy people. But don’t you think it is general? Doesn’t every sick person want to live healthily? See, the aspect that you bring onto these two important casts are too general and it could happen to almost anyone on earth, not just these two persons. So try to make it more detail, more description so we could exclude these two lovers from anyone else. It would make the story more interesting anyway.



Originality: 6/10 I don’t see much originality here because love theme is always overused and it depends on the writer to twist the theme and make it rare, but in your case, you stick to the old time ‘girl meet boy, boy is sick, they feel in love and the boy die’. These kind of story can be found practically anywhere and I’ve read it more than twice before. You didn’t vary the story so much, except from a different story line. Try to put more twist in here, or more drama, this kind of story could use more action too to make it more interesting. I know this is one shot and it supposed to get straight to the point but try to add a little twist scene that not too dragging but attractive. However, I like it when you make Jun Hee and Changmin fall in love (officially) after he faint because it at least give space between the opening to the climax, even though it could use more space. The time when Changmin saw Jun Hee while he faint, saying that to spend time together for the last moment is a bit common. People fall in love tend to get a dream about their lover before they come back to the state of consciousness. So try not to use that kind of scene unless you can twist it a bit to make it rare. There still much work to do here, but I think you can do it.



Writing style: 7/10 I’m not too fancy with your writing style because besides the spelling/grammar/spacing/proverb and such mistakes, your sentences are rather incomplete. You didn’t provide a complete predicate to support the subject, making the clauses of sentences hanging without acceptable nominative proverbs and nouns. You have to practice on building complete sentences because it will have a good elaboration to explain on the subject, suitable proverbs and good past/present tense (depends on which you use). This will enhance the liability of your flow and characteristic to develop itself. Also, you have a habit to chop paragraph when they actually can use more sentences. I know writing a long paragraph would be unneeded because we can extend the length of a chapter by chopping them up, but if a paragraph only left with one or two sentences, it wouldn’t be good.



Overall enjoyment: 6/10 I enjoy your story but too many mistakes kill the joy. There is a few times where I laugh and smile, your story is quite funny and I like the optimistic and sick Changmin. Lolz.



Overall score: 60/100