The Teacher - Pretty Bitch

Title: The Teacher
Author: Pretty Bitch
Story Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/MakiloveJae/
Reviewer: Pararae
Site: http://lostshadows.co.nr/

Title: 2/5 I gave you 2 because…

1. You actually point directly to Maki because she’s a teacher and Yamapi because he’s one too. Both of them are important characters so it’s good to point directly to them.
2. Because it’s simple.

But you lose 3 because…

1. Well, I do agree that Yamapi and Maki is important character, but how about Jaejoong? Isn’t he important too? Try to find a title that point to all of the characters to make it even better. Even though, it won’t appear specific but it’s even better than to not touch the important character at all. The easiest way to write a title is to make a title that picture the plot of the story or the climax of the story line. Because it will stressed on those scene to make it more important.
2. It’s not interesting. It’s simple, yes, but too simple is bad too. If I ever to wonder around in Winglin in hunt for a good story, I would definitely miss yours because it’s not eye catchy enough to attract my attention. It’s not because of the size or shape or icon people love to put beside their title, but it’s about the words you place up there. It’s not attractive enough.
3. Every title can give out a mood to the story or can hint the readers about the genre and point of the story but in your case, I can’t feel anything. The Teacher is like plain with no mood and it doesn’t actually pictures the plot you come out with in this story.

Poster/Background: 5/10 I know it’s not your design because you actually request it from a site but, I have to be fair and acknowledge this category anyway. It’s not your fault but you lose 5 marks because…

1. The picture of the girl on top (Maki? I’m not sure because I’m not really familiar with the characters) doesn’t blend in too much. We can actually see that her picture and the picture behind her are glued together but don’t really match. The opacity of the picture is bad too.
2. The picture of the girl in silver dress almost eaten by the color white. It’s like she lost almost half of her head in that color.
3. Jaejoong’s picture looks weird in the poster. It did not arrange properly and his picture is like smashed between the big and the small picture.
4. The color of white in the poster looks simple with no additional design. It looks too simple as in empty.
5. The background’s color is almost close to grey or silver but it doesn’t match with the color of the poster. It’s like both of them are two different things come from two different pairs. It looks awkward.

Forewords: 2/5 you got 2 because…

1. You got the basic detail: genre, characters and summary.
2. It’s organized and clean because some people tend to scramble the content like one pile of bucket, making it appear messy. But you arrange them nicely and it’s easy to understand.

But you lose 3 marks because…

1. I’ve spotted choppy words in your summary. You shouldn’t shop your words when they can be combine into a sentence, for example: Yamapi is known as the 'hot teacher'. While Maki is known as the 'pretty and nice but fierce teacher'. Instead it could be written as: Yamapi is known as the 'hot teacher', while Maki is known as the 'pretty and nice but fierce teacher'. See, no period needed.
2. You miss one thing: credit to the designer in your forewords. Because when new readers wanted to read the story with a poster, they should wonder who made it. (Including myself) even though I can read it from the poster, you should actually take a courtesy to write it in your forewords. Crediting a designer in update is good but put it in the forewords too next time.
3. You extend the forewords to chapter 1 for characters’ description which I think unneeded because as the readers continue reading your story, they will pick up on the characterization themselves by the way you write them so there’s not need to point it all. After all, it will ruin the fun and surprises.

Plot: 11/15 you lose 4 from here because…

1. Your plot has less action but more flashback at the first 2-3 chapters. Not to say it’s good but you give out the surprise too soon. Shouldn’t Maki have some space to develop her relationship with her students especially Eun Mi first before all of the flashbacks happen? Her characterization lost even before the main point of the story are written, so as I say, don’t rush, but take a deep breath and let time frame develop first before spilling out the flashback.
2. Your plot is common with no additional interesting action or scene. You stick up to the main point too much that there’s no input of some action in it. If this is a one shot, then I would to understand but chaptered fic is different. You can put more action without making it too dragging.
3. The ending of the story is expected. Jaejoong and Maki get married and the heart-broken Yamapi will leave them because he’s so good to hurt Maki. There’s no surprise here.
(I deduct two marks from the first one because it gives a lot of effect to the story.)

Flow: 7/10 you lost 3 marks because the flow is too fast in a few scenes, for example:

1. When Eun Mi says she’s half Korean, half Japanese, Maki quickly say, “Wait! I’ll talk to you after this.” I know teachers love to rush stuff, trust me, I know a few teachers in my school like that but in this story, because of the lack of elaboration and explanation, the flow went off the usual speed, as if you are rushing in writing, not Maki.
2. When you make Maki talk to Eun Mi about how she move from Korea to Japan, lack of elaboration and feelings make it feel weird and fast. I mean, why would a teacher shows emotion, especially a painful one when she just met the student and it is at the start of the year. It’s not logic and teachers supposed to keep their professionalism in tack especially when she wants to help the student with class, like Eun Mi’s case.
3. There are a lot of scenes like this repeated in your story. So I have to deduct your mark for repetition. Try not to rush in writing and try to write an elaboration to a scene to give out efficient emotions or to extend the time span of the story. And please don’t write based on fairytale, what person in a right mind would introduce herself to the class as ‘not interested in relationship’ or show a sad emotion too quickly?

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 10/15 I found a few mistakes in your spelling and it is repeated throughout the story. I won’t point all of them because it is the same mistakes: past tense, spelling, period (.) and choppy sentences. I advice you to recheck your story again after you finish writing them and before you post them to avoid any careless mistake. Use spell check if you have to, but try manual because it works better that way. Anyway, let’s take a look at this.

1. "I can take you there and after that, I'll drop you home!". Yamapi keep suggesting.
(There is no need for period (.) to be added behind the quotation marks. And keeps supposed to be keeps (present tense) or kept (past tense) because Yamapi is one person so the next nominative predicate shouldn’t be in root word.)

2. Maki said. Yamapi then smiles with excitement.
(You chop words where they shouldn’t be. Correction: Maki said as Yamapi smiles with excitement. OR: Maki said and Yamapi then smiles with excitement. OR: Maki said, making Yamapi smiles with excitement. AND: ‘said’ is past tense and so the story should be in past tense, so ‘smiles’ supposed to be ‘smiled’.)

3. Yamapi asked naughtily. Maki's eyes widened.
(You chop your words again. Correction: Yamapi asked naughtily and Maki’s eyes widened. OR: Yamapi asked naughtily, making Maki’s eyes widened in disbelieve. You can actually add some proverb (disbelieve/shock/surprise) to make the sentence much better and longer.)

4. Maki is standing at the gate. Talking to herself.
(Please don’t chop your words. Correction: Maki was standing at the gate, talking to herself. This story is in past tense so ‘is’ supposed to be ‘was’. Watch out for your past tense.)

5. "Their good. But some girl students really can't help it but to adore me!"
(‘Their’ is wrong. You should say: They’re good, but some girl students really can’t help it but to adore me!” Because it’s a short form of ‘they are’.)

Characterization: 6/10 your characterization is ok but I won’t say great because you miss a few, so I have to deduct 4 marks because…

1. Jaejoong’s characterization is a bit dull. He looks like an ordinary sad looking, heart-broken, love missing guy. There’s nothing about his character that could make me leap in excitement, so try to polish him up.
2. Maki’s character is a bit confusing, maybe because human is confusing at the first place, but she’s a teacher but doesn’t act like one. By the way her intro herself, the way she acts in front of her students and the way she acts in the class, doesn’t picture her as a teacher at all. She loses that professionalism in her.
3. Yamapi’s character is a bit…isn’t solid. He need more space for his characterization to develop and you definitely forget to give some explanation about his character in a few scenes because she’s not fully developed.
4. You didn’t balance the characterization of all the characters up. Some of them are well developed like Maki, even though her personality is a little shaky, but I understand her more than I understand Yamapi or Jaejoong. While the least character I can catch is Yamapi. You should develop the character in a pace that they could give out a solid description of a realistic character (because this is not a fairytale like Disney story) to fit the plot, even though they’re missing in a few scene to give way for the other characters but try to balance them up in the next field.

Originality: 7/10 every story has it own originality and nor-so-original in them and same goes for you. You lose 3 marks because…

1. Love theme is just too overused.
2. Having a guy who love you and tease you while you have a little feeling for your ex is totally common.
3. Meeting you Ex back after a few years of painful break up is really cliché too. I can find them exactly anywhere so try to add little original or rare theme in the story to make it uncommon.

Writing style: 5/10 your writing style is good but there’s space for you to polish them up, for example:

1. Don’t chop your words because it will appear very immature. Try to find any punctuation marks (comma, semi-colon, colon, etc) to replace the usual period.
2. You like to use simple words instead of using a wide range of vocabulary. I can’t fine any single complicated or top words in your story. I know using them meaning less understanding from the readers are bad, but try to use them anyway, because it can enhance your writing skill, vocabulary and English general skill.
3. Your sentences are not well built. You barely complete the predicate to a subject but you already put a period on it and ended it just like that. The clauses of the sentences are not well developed and the subject’s elaborations are not good enough. You don’t use proverb to support the active subject and you didn’t combine words to form a complete sentence. Most of your sentences are incomplete and not well developed, so try not to chop them and try to revise their sentences again to avoid any unnecessary mistake.
4. I found more dialogue than elaboration. Do you know that elaboration can give a few spaces for the flow, characterization and even sentences to develop properly? You cannot expect to write dialogue and assume that the reader could understand it without a proper explanation. Elaboration is as much as important as dialogue and dialogue is as much as important as the plot. So try to balance them up to make a good story.
5. You like to separate a dialogue from the same person with double spacing. For example: "Okay, since this is the first day of school, our class lesson is 'Get To Know Me'." Yamapi said.
"Then, I'll go first. My name is Mr. Yamashita Tomohisa, for those who didn't know my name. I had been teaching here at Osaka Academy for 4 years. I'm 24 years old and I'm currently single." Yamapi stated.
You can actually just combine them in the same paragraph because if you place it like that, some people would have difficulty to understand because thought it was spoken by a different person. So don’t separate a paragraph unnecessarily

Overall enjoyment: 6/10 I like your story but there’s a few scenes that repel my attention, so try harder and practice more. Don’t rush to write and don’t forget to be careful with spelling and choppy sentences. You have the basic skill of writing; you just need to polish it up a little, so good luck and don’t give up.

Overall score: 62/100