xp e r f e c t by EMI

Title: xp e r f e c t
Author: EMI
Story Link: http://winglin.net/fanfic/xPerfect
Reviewer: ShadowYin
Site: http://lostshadows.co.nr/

This review is not meant to be offensive, but contains purely my personal opinions on how I think the fanfic can be improved. I too, can be wrong, so please don’t take this review to heart.

Title: 3/5: It’s simple, it’s relevant, and it’s good. Personal opinion, I like something more creative and unique which would make me more interested in the plot.

Poster/Background: 8/10: I like how the pictures blend together, but the title could be enlarged? I love the pictures you used, but the quotes are a bit hard to see. Also, the first impression you give the reader is very important. Some readers take interest in your fanfic because of the poster. It’s beautiful, but it doesn’t tell me much about the theme or what your story is about. I really like the background!

Forewords: 4/5: I loved how you started your fanfic with a quote. A few minor errors here and there [look at Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary for examples] it really made the readers want to read more. Not too long or too short. It’s good.

Plot: 11/15: The plot is good and interesting. In a way it’s unique, but read ‘originality’ section. In a way, after you started the fiction, the events were quite predictable. Try think outside the box to surprise your readers. Your plot is actually excellent, but to make it yours you really need to add something which would make the reader remember your fanfic. Your fanfic is different; just need something to make it more special.

Flow: 6/10: The flow of the story was good. However, the flow of the sentences wasn’t as good. I understand you wanted to create longer sentences, but using ‘and’ to connect sentences is not always the best idea. (Please read writing style section) Some sentences flowed very well until you repeated ‘and’ or no connectives at all. For some sentences you only used commas which gave a listing effect, and also interfered with the flow of the story.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 10/15:

You wrote:
Even when people are many technological advancements everyday, nothing can be perfect. (I don’t know what you’re trying to say.)

You wrote:
…he grinned (well, actually, his cheeks lifted a little so she took that as a grin), shouted "Great!"… (try to link your sentences with connectives, because in this case, it doesn’t really make sense.)

My version:
…he grinned (well, actually, his cheeks lifted a little so she took that as a grin) BEFORE SHOUTING "Great!"

You wrote: boy against into a crevice (don’t use both. Either use against or into.)
Some unnecessary punctuation e.g.: "What the hell am I supposed to do, then?" (Comma is not needed. Try reading it to yourself out loud.)

Tenses a bit mixed up: once he explained that 'top secret' part (he hasn’t explained it yet, so it should be explains. Or it could be ‘once he HAS explained’)

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There were a few others which could be corrected if you proof read. It could be possible that you had the correct grammar in your mind; however a fanfic writer’s biggest enemy is typos. I found a few minor typos here and there. Also sentences were a bit awkward.

You vocabulary improved starting from your introduction. I know that’s when the main story start, but it’s important that you are consistent with your writing. (read writing style section which talks more about your vocab.)

Last example, you wrote:
…if a person died before they truly completed his or her life, before they did everything they needed to do, then they could die with peace, with ease, and with their eyes closed. But if there were things left incomplete within that person’s lifetime, they would die with their eyes open…

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…if a person died BEFORE… - It means they haven’t done it yet. It feels like you’re self contradicting here. Think you should use AFTER instead?

Characterization: 7/10: There were points when I felt that the characters weren’t really realistic. On the contrary, you made it realistic by including things like ‘neopets’, something which many people can relate to. It makes your character realistic when you make reference to something which is commonly known. Real life problems where raised – once again it makes your characters believable.

I didn’t mark you down on this, because I’m still a tad confused. The story behind Michiyo in chapter 9 and 13/14, was quite different? Don’t know what’s doing on. Like, before it was never mentioned that she has a sister. Also, in chapter 9, it said that her father left the house when she was 10? And then he reappears in chapter 13.

Originality: 7/10: You are quite unlucky. Even though I rarely read books, I’ve read books talking about perfect humans and how they experiment them etc. This also reminds me of Final Fantasy and Gundam Seed. Great animes. I know it’s hard to be original, and compared with many fanfics I’ve read, this is original. It’s just not the first time someone’s used this. Like I said before, try thinking outside the box. Surprise your readers.

The part where there was a killer was really good. Great built up of tension, excellent description.

Writing style: 7/10:

Chapters started with quotes – loved it.

Some of techniques I’ve spotted. This is good, because it shows your understanding of the English language. These techniques also allow the reader to imagine the fanfic better.
- Rule of three
- Rhetorical questions
- Onomatopoeia
- Varied sentences used in a very effective way. (Some were used very effectively, whilst some needed some work on.)
- Personification
- Similes

The statistics you used in your introduction, really made your fanfic seem real. Well done!

The way you describe appeal to the human senses, which is good.
On the other hand, I was disappointed when you included two dialogues from two different speakers on the same line. It would be best if you start a new line for a different speaker. In a way, it ruins the structure, making it difficult to read. Also, it gets a bit confusing who’s speaking what. You only did it a few times, so it wasn’t too bad.
Also at a point, you were writing in the third person, then in the same paragraphed switched to writing it the first person.

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You wrote:

The people in it AND myself call it the Sphere Project, because as you know, spheres are well-rounded AND must not have any faults in them or else they will not work.

Try not to include more than one ‘and’ in a sentence. Try not to be so repetitive, and use other connectives.

My example:
The people in it AS WELL AS myself…

Another example of what you wrote:
Right after the new Project AND the scientist had left, she had persuaded Henry AND Jinki to come with her to her house for lunch, AND after they were full AND fed, she had blackmailed them immediately with embarrassing pictures of them, AND forced them into even more embarrassing things AND took even more embarrassing pictures of them.
It’s not good to repeat the same word in a sentence. It applies to many words, and ‘and’ is a crucial one. There’s already 6 ‘and’ s in one sentence, imagine how many more ands I found on the page. If you can’t think of a connective to link the sentences, one of the best options is to keep it short. Long sentences don’t necessarily mean it’s good. Sometimes, a short snappy sentence is better than a long descriptive one, which is why it’s good to have a balance of both, and know when to use it at the right times. The example I picked out is an abnormally long sentence. You could probably split that in three or four sentences. Sentences like these interfere with the flow of the fanfic.

Remember: Repetition is used to make it memorable for the reader. The way you repeated ‘and’, ‘said’ and ‘however’ does not have this effect. Later on the fanfic, you dropped the uses of ‘said’ and ‘however, but ‘and’ is still used a lot throughout.

Some of the sentences, you left it at an awkward position. Example: He made an awkward smile, said “Sorry,” kissed her forehead and left the room.
Michiyo slept with uncertainty.

There’s nothing wrong with this, but once again it link with the flow of the sentences. Try reading it to yourself. Here I thought you could’ve expanded, or reworded the sentence because there were no connectives which made your description sound like a list. Also, “Michiyo slept with uncertainty.” It’s so short; it felt like it was more like a direction in a play. Commas make your sentences longer, but there’s no use making them long when it doesn’t flow.

My version (edited it a bit):
He gave her an awkward smile whilst apologizing. Before he left the room he planted a kiss on her forehead, which made her sleep with uncertainty.

Overall enjoyment: 7/10
You have a great imagination, and lovely description. However repetition of ‘and’ and ‘said’ pulls your writing down. I enjoyed it because you were very descriptive, also because it’s not something I commonly read in fanfics. It’s a story with great thoughts as well as imagination. You have great ideas, except that you need to think about your way of presenting. Every time I was getting into the plot, I come across errors which make me stop to think what you were trying to say.
In later chapters, the plot got really good. I love how you describe the tragedy of each character.

Overall score: 70/100
I hope this helps. Sorry if I offended you in any way, I really didn’t mean it. *Hides* don’t hate me. Good luck with your fanfic. Hwaiting!