Under the stars by Miki_Lee

Title: Under the stars
Author: Miki_Lee
Story Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/Miki_Lee/
Reviewer: ShadowYin
Site: http://lostshadows.co.nr/


This review is not meant to be offensive, but contains purely my personal opinions on how I think the fanfic can be improved. I too, can be wrong, so please don’t take this review to heart.

Title: 2/5: I like the title. However it’s really simple, which doesn’t particularly interest me. Also, I was unable to connect the story with the title. There was reference to stars in later chapters, but I can’t relate it to Hyukjae and Donghae.

Poster/Background: 6/10: It’s simple, yet not very eye catching in a way which would make me interested in the story, but I love your use of picture. Extra point…because it’s blue. :D

Forewords: 3/5: Doesn’t really tell me what the story is about, and since it’s generally your message to the readers, I won’t mark you down on spelling/punctuation/grammar, but it tells the readers what to expect, which is good.

Plot: 9/15: I really liked the part when Moonsora died. I sound evil, but it’s true. The tension built up so quickly. I think it was my favourite part. Also, her death was so sudden. It was unpredictable that she would die so soon with her baby. It was cliché in a way, but I really liked it.

More bonus points because you included Ryeowook, and many other Super Junior members too!

I’m not much of a yaoi fan, but your fanfic is sweet. The plot was interesting in a way because it included so many side stories, and Eunhae is cute :D.

In a way, it’s also because you have so many side stories it loses the story’s main focus.

Flow: 7/10: Overall, the flow was ok. However, I took some points away because some of the sentences didn’t flow as well. Some of your longer sentences went on and on, which made it seem like you were listing out the description, whereas it would’ve been more effective to either start a new sentence or use different connectives to make your story flow better.


Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/15:
Here are some of the examples of ways I thought your fanfic could be improved.

You wrote:
His feet were moving smooth around the room…
My version:
His feet were moving SMOOTHLY around the room…

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You wrote:
DongHae could not help it, he stared at HyukJae like he was cursed; he was so talented, but also beautiful. [use of connective – ‘but’ has an opposing effect. If you want to use ‘but’ it would make more sense to write: ‘He was not only talented, but beautiful too.’ Your sentence makes sense, but it doesn’t flow as well. Or I suggest you replace ‘but’ with ‘and’] He shook his head. Beautiful? What was he thinking? “I’m a man, dammit! I’m just really exhausted,” he was talking to himself, loud enough for HyukJae to hear, if he were not in the middle of a dance.

My version:
DongHae could not help BUT stare at HIM AS IF he was cursed; HE WAS NOT ONLY TALENTED, BUT BEAUTIFUL TOO. He shook his head. Beautiful? What was he thinking? “I’m a man, dammit! I’m just really exhausted,” he was talking to himself, loud enough for HyukJae to hear, if he wasn’t in the middle of a dance.

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You wrote:
Hae-Min was staring confused at him.

My version:
Hae-Min stared at him in confusion

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You wrote:
It knocked on the door. “Can I come in?” (there’s nothing wrong with this sentence, but I think it would be better if you didn’t use ‘it’? because ‘it’ is normally used to describe objects and animals?)

My version
Someone knocked on the door before asking for permission to enter. (but since you want to leave the chapter in suspense, you could’ve just left it as ‘there was a knock on the door’ and probably expand on that. Sometimes it might not be necessary to use dialogue.)

Example:
Someone knocked on the door which made them jump. They stared at each other, wondering who was behind that door.

.
Suggestions (these I didn’t mark you down on.): (your use of words – correction/suggestions)
Started thinking – thought
Started looking - looked
Stared angry – Stared angrily.

*Errors on certain spellings were found, which can easily be spotted by proof reading*

Confusion of word – ‘wept’: ‘wept’ means weeping in the past tense which is another word for cry. But it seems like you’ve misused the word? I THINK you’ve mistaken it with the word ‘wiped’?

On the other hand, your vocab was getting better as the story progressed.

Characterization: 5/10: I’m going to be picky, sorry…
Even writing fanfics myself, I can’t help but make the males cry, but in reality men crying all the time doesn’t seem real in a way. I know you might not realise whilst typing, but the reader may not like that. Remember crying is a very sensitive emotion, be careful when you’re writing about it.

Donghae – you made him possess a feminine personality throughout the fanfic, which shows you’ve considered his character.
Some characters do the same actions. For example: Haemin always pokes Donghae, which makes the characters more realistic.

ShiWon = Religious. I’ll give you points for that.

Confusion about characters…Shindong suddenly becomes Kangin in chapter 21?

Originality: 8/10: It was original. Quite a lot unexpected parts.


Writing style: 7/10: I realised you used ‘were not’, ‘could not’ quite often, but sometimes it might be easier to write ‘weren’t’ and ‘couldn’t’ for a change?

You used quite a lot of writing techniques, which I am pleased to see. It shows your understanding in the English language. You used similes which really help the reader to imagine the character’s feelings, surroundings etc. Also you made use of questions, which not only made the reader think but also give us an insight of what the character was thinking.

Sometimes I feel that some of your longer sentences can be split into two – but this is only my personal opinion. It felt weird, because some of your sentences were really descriptive, but you also had sentences which lacked description. I didn’t know whether you wanted that effect or not. Some authors do this for effect, but if you use it too many time, the technique doesn’t work that well. Some sentences I really think you can expand to make it more interesting.

More suggestions

You wrote:
…He heard Hae crying, AND even though he had no idea of what was going on AND was angry as hell, he had to turn around AND try comforting his hyung.

My suggestion:
Try not to repeat the same word in the same sentence. It makes your sentence boring and repetitive. It also makes the readers see your lack of vocab.

Note: you wrote ‘America of all things!’ I’m not sure if it’s for characterisation or you purposely did that, but it would make more sense to say ‘America of all places!’

I loved the way you used cliff-hangers at the end of every chapter, it makes the reader interested in what would happen next in the story.

Read spell/puct/gram section. Also, I noticed you used the same words throughout the fanfic. I know it’s hard to realise it whilst you’re writing, but for a reader, it might lose their interest in the entire plot. Try changing your words once in a while. You don’t need a MASSIVE range of vocab, but just a few different words so that your writing isn’t so repetitive. However, because the words you used were relatively simple, it was easy to understand the storyline.

Overall enjoyment: 6/10: I didn’t like how you repeated ‘and’ so often. It got really repetitive for me, especially when I found more than one ‘and’ in a sentence. There were times when the sentences appeared to be a bit awkward to me, but because I’m unsure, I didn’t mark you down on that.

Bonus point because you included ‘Koizora’!! I love it personally, but also because it makes your story seem real in a sense because Koizora is a movie/drama, which many Asian drama/movie addicts can relate to.

I felt rather confused in a few chapters, for example from 17 to 18. I had to stop to think where the ‘5 days’ came from.

But anyways, extra points because your style of writing was improving in later chapters. ^^

Dialogue would be better if you started a new line for a different speaker. When it’s all in one line, the structure doesn’t look that nice, and sometimes it hard to tell who’s speaking.

I don’t really like to read chunks of writing, which was how you wrote at the end. I love chapter 21 though!!! It was so sad!

HYUKJAE! DONGHAE! HWAITING!

Overall score: 60/100
Please don’t be offended. I hope this would help you improve. Good luck on your story. Hwaiting!

Tips: try to expand your use of connectives and vocab. Proof read – some of the sentence structure and words were a bit awkward.