Within 8 Hours by baboracoon

Story Title: Within 8 Hours
Story Author: baboracoon
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/baboracoon4/
Reviewer: Darkess

*My reviews are not meant to harm or discourage the author, but to help them fix their stories and do better in the future. The opinions expressed in this review are mine and mine alone, and are not meant to offend you*


Title: 5/5

Perfect. It fit the story and it also sticks out on the winglin page ;D

Poster/Background: 6/10

This looks alright, but it's really simple. It doesn't have any teaser quotes on it at all. But good job since you made it yourself ;D

Forewords: 5/5

The little lines in the beginning were a great way to introduce the story ahead, and a great way to bring your reader back for more.

Plot: 13/15

I think that this was a really intricate and detailed storyline with many twists and turns. I never would have thought that ____ would shoot Kangin o.o Even if she was forced, she almost killed her fiancee. So many people died in this story, and there were so many turns in it that it was fun to keep up with. The storyline was great ;D

Flow: 10/10

I could totally see this story happening in real time. Surprisingly, it IS possible to build a bond so great in such a short amount of time... you described it really well, and the story was long enough to make it seem like it was happening within 8 hours. In addition, your writing flowed from chapter to chapter effortlessly, as if you wrote it all at once.

Spelling/Grammer/Vocabulary: 5/15

Blech. Honestly there are mistakes in almost every sentence. But I'll just point out a few here. I can't really hold it against you since English is not your first language.

was so comfortable one (1)

was comfortable

just for save (1)

just to save

what are you cooking at? (1)

what are you cooking?

as brought the pan on your hands (1)

and brought the pan.

I afraid to losing (1)

I'm afraid of losing

You smacked gently his hand that (1)

You gently smacked the hand that

They again (1)

Them again

as eat a spoonful (1)

as he ate a spoonful

They? (1)

Them?

This gun’s ready to shot you (1)

This gun's ready to shoot you

to aware with (1)

to be aware of

but your eyes could not take him off. (2)

but you could not take your eyes off of him.

I WANT TO EVERYBODY CALM DOWN OR I’LL SHOT YOUR HEAD (2)

I want everybody to calm down or I'll shoot your head

wait me okay (2)

wait for me, okay?

then he cocked the fire to firing his gun (3)

hope he would (3)

this is where that sentence ends.

“No, I’m not (4)

"No, I don't

for shot your head (5)

to shoot your head

nodes. (5)

nods

ever killed (5)

even killed

Let we (5)

Let us

You say shot a lot, and almost every time you say it it is supposed to be shoot

Who is (5)

What is

reason to alive (5)

reason to live

Characterization: 10/10

You were able to grow on each character so much in so little time. I cried at the ending, and felt really horrible for ____ who had to sit and watch her fiancee be shot to death. On top of it she had to watch Yoochun being carried away. Really sad story, and you were able to grow on their personalities so well.

Orginality: 7/10

I thought that two guys falling in love with the same girl was very common, but the way that Kangin and Yoochun each fell in love with her was quite unique. I don't mean that they each fell in love with her eyes, I mean they each fell in love with her so fast. Yoochun fell for her because of a robbery. I think that's a pretty rare and unique idea ;D

Writing style: 6/10

I loved the line Maybe I just need 8 hours to loving you but forgetting you will take my whole life....” that was really memorable and cute ;D Your writing style is a little jumbled, but I understand since English is not your first language. Your overall ideas were easy to understand, but sometimes your details were confusing because they didn't make sense.

Overall enjoyment: 10/10

I got so into this story that I didn't want to stop to correct grammar mistakes after chapter 5, because this is addicting and I wanted to keep reading it. Great job :D


Overall score: 77/100

~Darkess, out