Silent Heartbeat - 'Niii

Title: Silent Heartbeat [one-shot] –COMPLETED-
Author: ‘Niii
Story Link: http://winglin.net/fanfic/_silent/
Reviewer: Pararae
Site: http://lostshadows.co.nr/

Title: 4/5 I like your title. It seems really interesting and I just can’t help myself to let it cut the queue and read it first. From the title, I can see that it’s a real angst and I expected a great story from a title. I guess I expected it right! There’s no capitalism problem and no spelling mistake up there too which make it look good. In overall, I can say that even if it was stacked together; title by title, like in Winglin’s case, the story is really eye-catching for those who crave for angst story and it would definitely hit the spot!

Poster/Background: 7/10 I like the poster, it’s soothing and simple. The blending is fine and the pictures arrangement is great too. I like how you centered the female and male casts’ pictures with no additional one, because sometimes, too much graphic in one poster could really be messy. The colorization is soft and splendid as the font of the title is simple yet presentable. But the font of the quote kind of off. I barely notice it the first time I look at the poster. After I finish reading the story, and look back at the poster several times, then I caught a glimpse of it. The font as if was bleached out by the back pictures so mind the opacity next time, okie.

Forewords: 4/5 the forewords are great, full with resourceful details and great summary. Just like your type of forewords, you start with a little tit bits of summary followed by the rest and end with a good author note. You never fail to impress me with your forewords writing skill and it really put the cherry on top of the vanilla ice cream to see a clean and organized intro. It’s good that you didn’t put characters’ info right under their names because it would definitely ruin the surprise and kill the curiosity of the readers. I can also spot that you miss genre and background in your forewords but don’t fidget because I think it’s unneeded. You briefly explain everything that needed to know and put out things you should keep for the last. Wholly, I think your forewords are splendid.

Plot: 13/15 I like the plot very much. The story starts when she got into an accident and goes on how she felt misfortune by losing her most treasured possession. The emotions plus actions that compliment the genre outdone itself and how you closely stick to the main point instead of dragging it, makes it less dragging and boring. You even let the readers deluded on the cliché theme as Key will fall in love with her too until the curtain call. The ending is quite eye-catchy as how simple her love could just end with no dramatic stunt. And the best part that’s really put me on a bucket of gold is when Key left her to teach his girlfriend how to play piano. At least, I know that his loyalty is attach.

Flow: 7/10 the story are quite fast. You tend to rush in finishing it. I guess because your teacher set up the limitation of words, but try to stabilize them. Give space for the ending to unfold itself perfectly and don’t waste too much space in the body and intro. Ending should be the best urging mechanism for the readers to release their breath and compliment the story, instead of rushing it to the end. So try to save an acceptable amount of space for them too. Balancing your story might be hard because not many can get a full mark but try to estimate and like my favorite unknown man said, practice makes perfect.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 13/15 I found a few mistakes here and there but mostly it is just an accidental error, but let’s take a look at this…

1) As her emotions rose, so did her notes, her playing; the piano’s sounds were not flooding the area, overflowing it with the beautiful music of the song.
(When you say not flooding the area, do you mean were now flooding the area? Because the word not seem off from the complementation phase of sentence. I’m not sure whether you purposely put it that way or you mistype it, but correct me if I’m wrong.)

2) Songyee wanted to shut her ears, close her eyes,m and just turn away from it all. Instead, she sat there, frozen in her position.
(You mistype one part of the sentence. It’s just a minor accident but try to recheck your story again to avoid the mistake. Such mistake could ruin the story sometimes.)

3) Something landed n the cover of the piano she rested her elbow upon,
(You misspelled ‘on’ in ‘landed on the cover’.)

As you can see, your mistake basically based on careless accident, so try to be careful next time and make sure you recheck the story again. You can either do it manually or spell check, but I rather prefer you to do it manually because it will enhance the proficiency of English spelling and grammatical rules. I personally think the story is great, so it really nice to see less mistakes, more result.

Characterization: 7/10 I can get the main character, she’s not too bubbly but likable, reserved yet open and very vulnerable. Her character is like old time weak girl who waits for her prince charming to come and live her up. But that’s what makes this story good, yes? Her lack of guts also made the ending possible so I guess, she deserved some credits. But Key, even though he’s a minor in this story but his characteristic is crucial. I bet that he’s caring, loving, understanding person, like any kind of worth-dying-for guy. But there’s a part of him that I want to know more. So more info on him should be of a help to make the story more realistic because if you claim they get closer well, I’m sure it’s only normal for her to know more about him, yes?

Originality: 8/10 Heartbreaking theme is kind of overused nowadays, but you managed to pay it off by making it a very interesting yet remarkable story. Most people love to end their story with happy ending and certain conclusion but the way you end the story with subtle, effective cliffhanger gives my imagination the chance to continue the story in my head. I cannot tell for certain whether Key did finally fall in love with her or not because you end it with no clue. But technically, such ending is the best!

Writing style: 8/10 your writing style is good and casual with no stressing words and awkward crack scene but you like to use small words. Not that I say it’s bad but isn’t it great to use it a little? With using complicated, rare words in sentences will enhance your ability to write at a creative and professional level. But if you think getting a dictionary and dig the words out is a trouble, try to manipulate the words to create good sentences. The building of complete sentences needs to have an input of correct clause with good amount of predicate to support the subject. And different writing style gives a different result. I simply can see that your writing style can easily polish to give out a good sentence.

Overall enjoyment: 8/10 I really enjoy your story and I love it more when it is as good as yours. The plot and story line really boost me out of my review-block mood. Just try to make less careless mistake and try to balance the story based on limitation because I can see that you can do better.

Overall score: 80/100