A Bad Heart by STIXXTIN

Title: A Bad Heart

Author: STIXXTIN

Story Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/stixxtin/

Reviewer: Pararae

Site: http://lostshadows.co.nr/



Title: 2/5 I’m not sure how a bad heart picture the story or even go along with it. Maybe because you haven’t reach the part yet or it just that I fail to see your point across but your capitalism is good.


Poster/Background: 5/10 I don’t know whether you designed the poster yourself or you request from other sites because there’s no site name on the poster. The graphic is very plain. It doesn’t have a certain mood to it as if it stays neutral. Not to say it’s bad but it left the story plain and unstressed. The base color looks dull and there’s no background at the back too. Maybe you should use a poster with a background next time especially when it is simple as the one you use now because it would put some color into your story.


Forewords: 3/5 your forewords are missing a basic info such genre, length, background, list of characters and you didn’t even write an author note. It is not really important but it shows your communication with the readers. By replying to the readers’ comments, it can attract more people to read your story and it shows that you don’t simply read them and forget about it the next day and writing a short author note for the readers won’t hurt too right? By just writing an introduction for your story doesn’t make your foreword appealing. It looks extremely plain so try to add some colors to it by adding an organized and interesting author note and some basics info.



There is a part in your forewords that doesn’t make sense to me.



“Not now Junsu… I’ve had enough.” Not wanting to hear more lies, I closed the door, slamming it shut in front of his face.

“IM SORRY! Please… Open this door and let me explain..” Junsu kept on knocking and screaming behind the door.

“Please Junsu! Just leave me— ”

Junsu pulled me into his arms before I could even finish my sentence.

“I’m really sorry… give me another chance. I love you Li Yin. I don’t wanna lose you.”
“You lost me the very first day you left me Junsu… It wasn’t my choice, it was yours…” Without any further movements I shoved him off me, then I closed the door and ran to my bedroom.



Didn’t Li Yin already in a room because she slammed the door in his face and didn’t open it back? But how can Junsu hug her from the other side of the door? Is he supernatural? Does that door even closed properly? See, I have some question running around and I can’t figure it out. You should be able to explain clearly on what’s the characters are doing and where are they now, whether they are reachable by other characters or not. This small mistake could make the readers randomly make their own conclusion in their minds which is bad because this is your story and we understand them based on your writing so try to add more detail so it won’t look confusing.


Plot: 10/15 let me get this straight; Li Yin broke up with Junsu and went to Jeju with her friend to start a new life and with miracle, she met jaejoong at the bar and met him again in Jeju because he’s having a vacation with Minho. Since the story stopped even before it could reach half of the story, I assume, I can’t get the plot straight out so my imagination starts working from there. From your forewords, I can say that Junsu came back to Li Yin but she shoved him aside and started to have feeling with Jaejoong even though she feels it is ambiguously wrong. Correct me if I’m wrong.



I think the plot looks ok but since I can’t make up what sort of drama you decided to put in along the way, I can’t say much but I do advice you to use shocking elements and unexpected scenes so it would look different from other stories. I like how you start the story, by making Junsu and Li Yin broke up in the first chapter because it makes the event looks important and it shows that the whole drama starts from there in coincidence and how she stressed her life in this story after the break-up. But to write such way will effect the flow of the story, making it too fast without vivid time frame unless if you’re really good at it. Try to revise your chapter and the upcoming one before you post it so you know when the flow started to go off the lane and went faster than it should be. You can try to add some flashbacks to extend the time span and make it more balance.


Flow: 7/10 so far the flow go well, not too fast not too slow in overall but there are some parts that go a little faster than its constant pace. For example, when Li Yin start to go out of control after Junsu left her and started to do weird stuff like drinking and clubbing. You didn’t explain clearly on the time span on which she started to go crazy and how many days she starves herself. By pointing it is 4 days without further details will do no good because it won’t influence the readers’ mind as it looks unimportant when you didn’t elaborate on it. I have to reread the same part 3 times to get the flow back in place and it is definitely not a good thing.


Spelling/Grammer/Vocabulary: 7/15 there are a lot of mistakes found in your story and it’s not my habit to not point it out because I want you to get a better view of it. Take a lot of this:



1) My body shivered as the magical moment ignites the world around us.

(Ignites supposed to be in past tense because you already have the whole story in past tense. Don’t mix it up with other because it will confuse the readers on when the story happen; future? Past? Present?)



2) Junsu is going to tell me about something important.

(is supposed to be was because it is in past tense)



3) “You know what’s going on in my life Li Yin and it‘s not getting easier for me.”

(“You know what’s going on in my life, Li Yin and it‘s not getting easier for me.” Don’t forget the comma)



4) I smiled thinking he just a had a change of mind

(I take this as a spelling mistake. You shouldn’t put ‘a’ in front of ‘had’. It’s wrong so be careful on that)



5) Just like that Junsu left and ended my life.

(This sounds really wrong. Ended my life means Li Yin is literally dead but I can see she’s not. I was shocked to read this line and I have to go and reread the whole thing again to get your point. Using this kind of words can cause confusion among readers so be careful on what you write. Try this instead: Just like that, Junsu left and somehow I feel like the world had turned its back against me. It shows that the character has lost hope on life by not mentioning death in a literal manner)



6) I wanted to ask him but I don’t have the strength to.

(Again, you messed up the tenses. It is supposed to be didn’t.)



7) The alcohol went into my head driving getting me oh so drunk

(I don’t get this sentence and it is obviously wrong. Driving and getting are not supposed to exist at the same time. You either write: The alcohol went into my head, driving me oh so drunk. Or. The alcohol went into my head, getting me oh so drunk. Don’t forget the comma too.)



8) Even If I wanted to know why and how I ended up at her house I don’t want to hear her tell all the crazy stuffs I did last night

(‘I don’t want to hear’ supposed to be I didn’t want to hear. Again, I stress this out. Don’t mix the tenses up)



9) I know how disrespectful It was to leave without making her finish talking

(You spelled ‘it’ wrongly. It should be in small letter)



10)Did she find some other girl that has the same duck butt like him?”

(You refer to Junsu so it should be ‘he’)



11)“Your kidding me.”

(Spelling mistake. It is supposed to be “You’re kidding me.”)



12)Maybe that’s the second reason why I fell inlove with Junsu

(spelling mistake again. In love should have space between them.)



13)The cab ride to Hongdae Taeyon and I had was the scariest ride in our entire life ever.

14)(Don’t forget comma because the sentence looks entirely wrong. I had trouble over this one. Consider this: The cab ride to Hongdae, Taeyon and I had, been the scariest ride in our entire life, ever.” Or. The cab ride to Hongdae, Taeyon and I had the scariest ride in our entire life, ever.”)



15)The driver looked like he was some sort of a crazy dude and drives the car like we were in a racing field.

(Drives supposed to be drove. Past tense, remember that.)



16)I can feel the girl burning my back with his wild stare.

(Be careful with identification address. You’re referring to a girl so it is supposed to be her instead of his.)



17) “It’s okay, im used to it.”

(Spelling mistake again. I’m not im)



18)I’m gonna be away from Seoul for quiet a while.

(Don’t use short form in writing because it will bring down your writing skill and you spell quite, wrongly. Quiet is silent or no sound while quite means entirely or rather or nearly.)



19)I’m gonna hit him hard in the head.

(Again, don’t use short form)



20) Open this door and let me explain..”

(You tend to repeat this mistake a lot of time. Period (.) only exist in solo or a set of 3. Don’t rush when you’re writing and take time to recheck everything.)



That’s pretty much of what I want to point out but there’s more similar mistakes in your story. I won’t point it all out but you got what I mean. Try to avoid the usage of short form and be careful with spellings and identification address. Use spell check if you use Microsoft Words to write or you can proof-read it manually because it will works better that way.)


Characterization: 6/10 the characters are a bit vague. The basic characters role is no problem but reason is what makes me wonder. You didn’t say the exact reason why Junsu broke up with her, maybe because you make the story in Li Yin’s point of view and she doesn’t know it too but try to give, maybe fragments of it so the readers can understand of what kind of guy Junsu is. And Jaejoong character looks spontaneous with less detail. Spontaneity is good but less detail is bad. He is like an everyday ordinary bar manager who tried to get a usual hang of a chick. And even Li Yin herself is quite incomplete so try to write more details on them along the story. And I got one problem with the name. In chapter 1, the main character is Li Yin but when I check the next chapter, it turns to Ri Yin. I’m not sure whether both are the same person and that person has two names or you’re writing about two completely different person. Or it is a spelling mistake because I’m not familiar with the character except for DBSK boys.


Originality: 7/10 I can see your original writing in this story, even though the plot is quite cliché and the story haven’t finished yet so I won’t be judging the story in overall, instead I will just judge it on the update you have posted. So far, some scenes caught my attention like when Junsu broke of with Ri/Li Yin, it happen in a kitchen while she was washing the dishes unlike most stories which will make them broke off in some fancy restaurants or parks or schools. It shows that you insert a real life attempt scene into your story to make it more logical. So thumbs up for that.


Writing style: 7/10 your writing style is good. Not to say it is neat because you do have some incomplete sentences and words that don’t sound write but it is good so far. Try to revise the sentence you’ve written before you post it and make sure you know what you’re writing so it won’t contradict the upcoming scene. Construct your sentence properly and try to add or combine the sentences if you can so it would enhance the sentence’s length.


Overall enjoyment: 6/10 I do enjoy your story at first but after I spotted a lot of mistakes, my attention ran from the story to listing it down the mistakes rather than reading it so I have to read it again to get the story. You should try to reduce the error because even though it’s not significant but it will effect your writing skill and English proficiency greatly if you repeat it more than once. And watch out for the originality because I don’t want you to lose it by using cliché scenes. Your flow needs attention as well, not to say it is bad, in fact, it is good so far but it’s the only aspect that looks vulnerable for now. Try to keep it constant and if you think something is wrong with the flow, write flashback to extend the time span or you can re-write the whole chapter again with a good amount of details. Either way is acceptable.


Overall score: 60/100