All along high school by riz-2611

Title: All along high school

Author: riz-2611

URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/riz01/

Reviewed by RyoMaXMaSuke@lostshadows



Title: 4/5

- I see the connection of the story with the title. It does fit but it’s too common and not eye-catchy enough for me to click and read it.


Poster/Background: 8/10

- I don’t really know if I like the poster but it is pretty. But I’M not sure if I like it. The background was a little to plain but it was still okay. Oh and why is Genie not in the poster?


Forewords: 4/5

- You did a good job in the forewords but the problem is you put little introduction to the story in the forewords. Mostly, you described the characters and you did a very good job on that by the way but you didn’t write any introduction to the story so that your readers will have an idea of what the story would be like. But I do love the quote you placed in it.


Plot: 9/15

- Your plot is cliché. I’ve read this kind of stories many times. And sometimes you’re story is a little predictable.


Flow: 8/10

- I think the flow went a little too fast sometimes but most of the times you kept a nice pace.


Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 5/10
- Your score is definitely low in this section. I saw several spelling mistakes all through out the entire story. Your vocabulary is not that good. And your grammar is definitely NOT good. I saw a LOT of grammar mistakes and it ruined the story for me.



Example:



Dear my lovely Ella,



If you read this letter, maybe I already gone or still sleep at the hospital like a doll.. Please, don’t give up when I already die; I want you to be strong. I love you so much and if can, I don’t want to leave you. But maybe the fate doesn’t want us to be together, I hope you will find a man that good than me. Don’t give up because of me, you must move on, promise? I love you. Our memories will always alive.
Your stupid boyfriend
Danson Tang



Edited:



Dear Ella,



While you are reading this letter, maybe I’m already gone or still sleeping in the hospital like a doll. Please don’t give up when I die; I want you to be strong. I love you so much and if I can, I don’t want to leave you. But maybe fate doesn’t want us to be together. I hope you will find a man that is better than me. Don’t give up because of me, you must move on. I love you. Our memories will always be alive.



Your stupid boyfriend,

Danson Tang



A dictionary by your side will help you a lot whenever writing a story.



Characterization: 6/10
- You described the characters in the forewords, but when their in the actual story, their personality changed.



Orginality: 6/10
- Not that much originalty.



Writing style: 2/5
- Honestly, I don’t like reading stories that are written in script and IT IS unappropriate for a story.. Script writing is more appropriate for scripts for movies and etc. And what I also hate in script writing is that their actions are mostly in brackets or stars. It annoys me a lot.



I sugget that you DON’T use script writing instead try using this,



Example:



Ella: where will you go?
Selina: I will follow Jiro! [Smile]
Hebe: I will follow Aaron to study in London! [Smile]
Genie: Calvin going to bring me to meet his parents… [Smile]
Selina: where are you going?
Ella: I and Chun will go to New York! [Smile]



Edited:



“Where will you go?” Ella asked all of her friends.



“I will follow Jiro!” Selina immediately answered.



“I will follow Aaron to study in London!” Hebe replied as she smiled, full of joy.



“Calvin will bring me to New York to meet his parents.” Genie smiled shyly.



"Where will you go?"Selina looked at Ella.



“Chun and I will go to New York.” Ella answered as she smiled sheepishly.



Of course it is just MY suggestion. You can still use script writing if you like but make it neater and spaced out.



Overall enjoyment: 5/10

- I’ll just say that I half enjoyed it and half didn’t.



Overall score: 57/100