An Eye through My Heart, for the Sight of You by Phoebe a.k.a Phebs

Author: Phoebe a.k.a Phebs
Story title: An Eye through My Heart, for the Sight of You
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/bj_phebs/
Reviewer: ShadowYin
SYNote: Sorry for this long review…I hope this helps you in future when you're writing, and I hope this doesn't offend you in any way or form.

Title: 4/5
It’s original, and it interested me a lot. However, the ‘for’ I think the ‘f’ should be capitalised? Also, it’s a bit long so it wouldn’t be one of those titles which I would be able for a long time.

Poster/Background: 10/10
You know I love your works :) I really love the quote you included as well.

Forewords: 3/5
I loved the imagery and it was a brilliant opening to the fanfic. However, what lost you marks was mainly your grammar along with a few awkward sentence structures here and there which disturbed the flow of your story. Also, there were moments where I didn’t quite understand what you were trying to say.

At the end, Jaejoong claimed: ‘It was a scary feeling.’
He got hit by a car, and that short sentence wasn’t enough to convince me that he had just been hit by a car. What about the pain, the shock and the blood? Remember, people aren’t really that logically when something unexpected happens. I think you could have developed that sentence a lot more. The main thing about this sentence is your use of words, ‘scary’ is not powerful enough for this situation.

Finally, you lost marks on the level of description. Your descriptions were written beautifully until Boa was screaming because the car crashed into Jaejoong. How would she be screaming it? The moment when the car crashed into Jaejoong allowed you to leave an impact on the reader. In fact, you could’ve taken readers’ breath away if you added more description to the scene.

Plot: 10/15
Your plot has potential to be strong, but it’s not. The idea that Jaejoong is a blind pianist already makes your fanfic different from others. Therefore, it would be nice to see more description in the beginning to make the plot more solid.
Your plot really allowed you to explore into the characters, the surroundings etc. So I would’ve liked to see more of it.
The dream, I can’t say its cliché, because it’s not and it did leave an impact on me which was right at the end in chapter 6. Maybe the dream was going a little bit too long? For example, some scenes with Minho weren’t really necessary.

The plot got more interesting near the end, but I suppose it was the build up from the beginning that created that impact. It would’ve been better if it was amazing all the way through.

The puzzling thing for me about the plot is I would’ve thought his parents would want to find a donor for their son. Some parents are even willing to donate their own eyes just so their children could see. I really think you should’ve explored deeper into the love between parents and children. If some parents are willing to make such sacrifices for their children, why would they be against them looking for a donor?

Flow: 6/10

In all honesty, your flow wasn’t that great. In some areas, I thought that if you placed a line in a new paragraph and possibly expand on it, the flow would have been better.
Remember, the flow connects with the punctuation, sentence/paragraph structure as well as vocabulary. You don’t want readers to pause when unnecessary nor do you want them to stumble on awkward sentence structures.

Example of what you wrote:
BoA suddenly let out a shriek as she missed a step and stumbled unbalance, about to fall to the ground. Reacting quick, Jaejoong reached a hand out to grab her hand and she was pulled to his embrace. Still leaning against his chest, she lifted her head up to meet his face and saw he was chuckling.

Note: You have about ten things going on in that little paragraph, and it feels more like you’re trying to list what’s going on in your head. Listing is effective when you list out adjectives or adverbs, not sentences. Tip: Take time to think about the image you’ve got in your mind before putting it into words. There’s no need to rush.

Edited example of the first sentence:
BoA suddenly let out a high-pitched shriek as she accidently missed a step which caused her to lose her balance, resulting in her falling helplessly from her stance. (See how adjectives could be used to pad sentences out? Also, a variation of connectives enables your sentences to flow better rather than using ‘and’ all the time.)

Some parts, I thought was going WAY too fast, then when I realised it was all a dream, the flow made more sense, since it’s natural for dreams to move at a faster pace in my opinion. However, the flow at the beginning could still be worked on.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 9.5/15
Firstly, I’ve nagged a lot of requesters about this. Even though you don’t do it as often, I would still like to see a wider range of connectives used rather than the repetition of ‘and’. It is THE worst enemy of writers, please avoid it.

IN THE FOREWORDS

You wrote:
‘…which little kid won’t have their own little world where their wildest imagination come to life.’ – It’s a question; therefore you lacked the question mark at the end.

My version:
‘…which little kid wouldn’t have their own little world where their wildest imagination could come to life?’

You wrote:
‘I told her much innocently…’ – Personally I think ‘told her innocently’ or ‘told her with much innocent’ would sound better.

You wrote:
‘…causing me to shrank’ – ‘causing’ is present tense ‘shrank’ is past. It would have made more sense if you said ‘which caused me to shrank’ or ‘causing me to shrink’

You wrote:
‘…after the car crashed on me.’ – ‘crashed INTO’ not ‘on’

CHAPTER ONE
You wrote: She had all these years blamed herself for that accident, but he never once put that thought in his mind, because he knew…

My version: She had BLAMED HERSELF FOR ALL THESE YEARS for that accident, but he never once put that thought in mind, because he knew…

You wrote: BoA walked over to the piano and stood beside Jaejoong as he started to play the piano, letting its melody filled the air around the mall.

Notes: You already mentioned piano once, so no need to mention it again, also it’s ‘fill’ not ‘filled’ as you have used ‘letting’ before it.

Minor errors like ‘Mino’ in chapter 3 when you meant ‘Minho’
‘Boost’ in chapter 4 should be ‘boast’
Tip: proof read.

Characterization: 8/10
I loved the characterization here. How Jaejoong knows Boa really well and how Boa tries to protect him.

However, Boa and Minho’s characters aren’t so believable when Minho was doing his confession. I was like: ‘is that all he’s going to say?’ and ‘how can she act so calmly?!’

I loved that fact that you stuck to simple language when writing about Jaejoong and Boa when they were young. Also, in chapter 6, I could really see the desperation of Jaejoong when Boa was about to die. The characterisation in that chapter was simply incredible, especially Nicole’s character.

Originality: 7/10
Blind playing the piano, I can’t really say it’s original because it’s not. I’ve actually read, watched a lot of media regarding the blind, and each one was so unique and original at the same time that I just couldn’t forget about it. With your fanfic, you didn’t really use Jaejoong’s blindness as an advantage to unleash your creativity. Although there were quite a few original elements in there, details and description is what motivates me to give you marks in this section. You had a moderate amount of those, but not enough to convince me that it’s original.

More marks were given due to the originality at the end where Jaejoong explains that he only needed one eye through his heart to see Boa.

Writing style: 8.5/10
Enough criticizing, time for some praises.
I saw some fantastic uses of:
Alliteration
Metaphors
Similes
Rhetorical questions
Personification
A good balance between dialogue and description

However, I think it’s important that you add a description about how the characters deliver their lines after the dialogue. It leaves readers to wonder if they were timid, arrogant etc.

Overall enjoyment: 9/10
I enjoyed it a lot. Chapter 6 amazed me. It was my kind of chapter. The point where the exact same thing happened Jaejoong actually happened to Boa took my breath away. It was like pulling me back to the beginning. Although I would’ve liked it more if there were more description at the beginning. Also, without those minor errors would’ve been perfect.

I really would’ve wanted to read how devastated Jaejoong would’ve been at the time when he realised he was blind. I thought it would’ve made the story even more heart throbbing, but that’s my opinion.

Overall score: 75/100