The Shooting Star by eternalflower

Author: eternalflower
Story Title : The Shooting Star
Story URL: winglin.net/fanfic/eternalflower
Reviewer: ShadowYin | lostshadows.co.nr


Title: 1.5/5
- Nice use of alliteration
- A bit too simple though for my liking, also it’s not really that unique.
- Doesn’t really interest me much.
- She didn’t actually wish under a shooting star did she? The ending didn’t actually relate back to the title. Personally I thought a title which made reference to the ‘red umbrella’ would’ve gained you more marks, but that’s only my opinion.

Poster/Background: 9/10
- I love the poster, but one point is taken due to the title in the poster. Not really big or stands out to me. To me, titles are really important. And I admit, I’m a bit biased, I like the designer’s works :)

Forewords: 2/5
- Giving information and a basic summary is good. However, it included a lot of grammar mistakes. My suggestion is for you to proof read.
1. He was perfect, as everyone said [Slightly a weird way of phrasing in my opinion.]
2. It was just natural, you think [‘was’ – you’re talking in the past. ‘think’ – is in present tense.]
3. make it as a happy ending [No need for ‘as’]
4. I love him although, not because. [What do you mean?]
- Like I said, it was a bit awkward to read, but when it got to the poem, I liked it.
- However, it didn’t really interest me that much; it only gave me an impression that the story would be cliché.

Plot: 10/15
Started off a bit cliché, I liked the part where Jaejoong lost the game because you tried to shock your readers. However, because that was such a crucial turning point to your fanfic, I would’ve liked to see a longer description on how he actually lost the game.

Loved the Sunny and red umbrella. It was a great twist.
I liked the plot.

Flow: 6.5/10
Some sentences didn’t flow well which resulted in it being boring.
Some parts could’ve been developed so the speed of the fiction wouldn’t suddenly increase.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 9/15
A lot of ‘and’ used within your fanfic. I would suggest try to vary your connectives a bit more? It’s a boring word, so try not to use it too often, or throw in some other connectives.

You wrote:
‘traveled’ – It should be ‘travelled’ [Chapter 2]

You wrote:
‘I even bother to fell in love’ – I think ‘fell’ should ‘fall’. [Chapter 2]

You wrote:
‘…you're going to come…’ – should be ‘you’re going to go’. [Chapter 2]
Also, please read this:
"What? Don't tell me you're going to come to her classroom AND call out her name, dragging her to the backyard to tell her to just back off AND leave Kim Jaejoong alone because you like him AND it makes him yours AND you don't like sharing with anyone, especially not with her?"

1. The unnecessary repetition of ‘and’
2. It’s too long to be a sentence and you only had two comas. Please try read from ‘dragging’ to ‘anyone’ in one breathe then you would understand what I mean.

You wrote:
‘We were on different classes this year’ – supposed to be: ‘We ARE IN different classes this year’ [chapter 2]

You wrote:
‘…he never lose before’ – supposed to be: ‘he never LOST before’ [chapter 3]

You wrote:
‘I stepped one closer to him’ – I think you missed out the word ‘step’ [chapter 3]

You wrote:
“Yeah, I will. I’m not into badminton that much, actually. Well, I guess I’ll join a club with loose schedule, this time.” – Some of the comas were slightly unnecessary. Think it would be better like this:
“Yeah, I will. I’m not into badminton that much actually. Well, I guess I’ll join a club with a looser schedule this time.” [Chapter 5]

You wrote:
‘I quickly opened my bad’ – Should be ‘bag’ not ‘bad’. [Chapter 6]

Please proof read before posting your fanfic.

Characterization: 7/10
I was really impressed with your characterisation. Well done. Although, there were some part which I thought was quite awkward that made me wonder: ‘would they really do or say that?’ But generally, it was good.

Originality: 8/10
A bit cliché at the beginning, but I could see a bit of originality here and there. This mark would’ve been higher if you added something a little bit more creative at the beginning.

Writing style: 6.5/10
I see too many of ‘…’ going on. You can argue that you used it to show characterisation of the reader. However, to me it didn’t have that effect.
You had some good description in here.

I really liked your short paragraphs before your actual chapter; also I loved your format and structure as well.

However, I think your style can be linked to your vocabulary as well. Please vary your words a bit more, especially ‘and’, it gets really boring after reading it a lot of times.

Also, in one chapter, I caught you placing two dialogues from different speakers on the same line. Remember, different speaker, different line.

Overall enjoyment: 7.5/10
In all honesty, I was bored from the first half of the fiction. Then, I started to like it after reading a few more chapters. It’s a good fiction, but you just need to work on spelling/punctuation/grammar/vocabulary.

Loved the twists!

The last few chapters simply took my breath away :)

However, I would’ve liked it even more if you linked the ending with ‘shooting star’ rather than just what she wished for.

Overall score: 67/100