Story Title: Within 8 Hours
Story Author: baboracoon
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/baboracoon4/
Reviewer: Darkess
*My reviews are not meant to harm or discourage the author, but to help them fix their stories and do better in the future. The opinions expressed in this review are mine and mine alone, and are not meant to offend you*
Title: 5/5
Perfect. It fit the story and it also sticks out on the winglin page ;D
Poster/Background: 6/10
This looks alright, but it's really simple. It doesn't have any teaser quotes on it at all. But good job since you made it yourself ;D
Forewords: 5/5
The little lines in the beginning were a great way to introduce the story ahead, and a great way to bring your reader back for more.
Plot: 13/15
I think that this was a really intricate and detailed storyline with many twists and turns. I never would have thought that ____ would shoot Kangin o.o Even if she was forced, she almost killed her fiancee. So many people died in this story, and there were so many turns in it that it was fun to keep up with. The storyline was great ;D
Flow: 10/10
I could totally see this story happening in real time. Surprisingly, it IS possible to build a bond so great in such a short amount of time... you described it really well, and the story was long enough to make it seem like it was happening within 8 hours. In addition, your writing flowed from chapter to chapter effortlessly, as if you wrote it all at once.
Spelling/Grammer/Vocabulary: 5/15
Blech. Honestly there are mistakes in almost every sentence. But I'll just point out a few here. I can't really hold it against you since English is not your first language.
was so comfortable one (1)
was comfortable
just for save (1)
just to save
what are you cooking at? (1)
what are you cooking?
as brought the pan on your hands (1)
and brought the pan.
I afraid to losing (1)
I'm afraid of losing
You smacked gently his hand that (1)
You gently smacked the hand that
They again (1)
Them again
as eat a spoonful (1)
as he ate a spoonful
They? (1)
Them?
This gun’s ready to shot you (1)
This gun's ready to shoot you
to aware with (1)
to be aware of
but your eyes could not take him off. (2)
but you could not take your eyes off of him.
I WANT TO EVERYBODY CALM DOWN OR I’LL SHOT YOUR HEAD (2)
I want everybody to calm down or I'll shoot your head
wait me okay (2)
wait for me, okay?
then he cocked the fire to firing his gun (3)
hope he would (3)
this is where that sentence ends.
“No, I’m not (4)
"No, I don't
for shot your head (5)
to shoot your head
nodes. (5)
nods
ever killed (5)
even killed
Let we (5)
Let us
You say shot a lot, and almost every time you say it it is supposed to be shoot
Who is (5)
What is
reason to alive (5)
reason to live
Characterization: 10/10
You were able to grow on each character so much in so little time. I cried at the ending, and felt really horrible for ____ who had to sit and watch her fiancee be shot to death. On top of it she had to watch Yoochun being carried away. Really sad story, and you were able to grow on their personalities so well.
Orginality: 7/10
I thought that two guys falling in love with the same girl was very common, but the way that Kangin and Yoochun each fell in love with her was quite unique. I don't mean that they each fell in love with her eyes, I mean they each fell in love with her so fast. Yoochun fell for her because of a robbery. I think that's a pretty rare and unique idea ;D
Writing style: 6/10
I loved the line Maybe I just need 8 hours to loving you but forgetting you will take my whole life....” that was really memorable and cute ;D Your writing style is a little jumbled, but I understand since English is not your first language. Your overall ideas were easy to understand, but sometimes your details were confusing because they didn't make sense.
Overall enjoyment: 10/10
I got so into this story that I didn't want to stop to correct grammar mistakes after chapter 5, because this is addicting and I wanted to keep reading it. Great job :D
Overall score: 77/100
~Darkess, out
Wednesday, 30 December 2009
Wednesday, 23 December 2009
Key To His Heart(One-Shot) by miia186
Name: miia186
Story Title : Key To His Heart(One-Shot)
Story URL: www.winglin.net/fanfic/miia_chul4
Reviewer: jyyms
Site: http://lostshadows.co.nr/
Title: 2/5
Your title sounds quite interesting and romantic but it doesn't fit the story. The key is for Jaehyeon's heart but the story is mainly on Jaejoong. So I suggest you make the title more related to Jaejoong, rather than Jaehyeon.
Poster/Background: 7/10
You have a poster but you do not have a background. Your poster is very nice but I wonder why Yunho is in the poster since he is not one of the characters. Is he portrayed as Jaehyeon? It will be better for the reader if you had told us who is who.
Forewords: 5/5
I like your forewords very much. It gives us enough information on the story. And the characters were listed out. I like the way it was a short summary of the story. Good job!
Plot: 11/15
Your plot is a bit too simple. The part where the true love is the only one who can find the key is great but the way Jaehyeon accepted (___) was too quick. (____) had risked her own life to free Jaejoong and when she finally found the key, Jaehyeon forgave her because she was his daughter. I think the story would be much more interesting if it was dramatic on how everyone started to accept each other.
Flow: 7/10
As I have said in the 'Plot' section, the part where Jaehyeon accepted (___) was too quick. Other than that, I think your flow was pretty steady.
Spelling/Grammer/Vocabulary: 14/15
You had only one spelling error where you wrote 'here' instead of 'hear'. Don't worry that happens :). Your vocabulary is good for the story. It wasn't baby English or anything along those lines but you can still challenge yourself by using more advance vocabulary.
Characterization: 9/10
Since this is a one-shot, authors cannot really characterize their characters alot. But you did a pretty good job on telling the reader how each character is like.
Orginality: 8/10
The story is not fully original. The way how (___) is Jaehyeon's long lost daughter occurs in many stories. But I enjoyed your story.
Writing style: 9/10
Your writing style was simple and easy to follow. You did a good job.
Overall enjoyment: 7/10
I enjoyed your one-shot but I was disapointed on how it ended. I know I've been fussing about the way the girl was forgiven but I really think that is the only flaw of this story. Great Jobbbb!!!
Overall score: 79/100
I hope you take my review as an advise for your stories in the future^^. Please don't feel offended.
Story Title : Key To His Heart(One-Shot)
Story URL: www.winglin.net/fanfic/miia_chul4
Reviewer: jyyms
Site: http://lostshadows.co.nr/
Title: 2/5
Your title sounds quite interesting and romantic but it doesn't fit the story. The key is for Jaehyeon's heart but the story is mainly on Jaejoong. So I suggest you make the title more related to Jaejoong, rather than Jaehyeon.
Poster/Background: 7/10
You have a poster but you do not have a background. Your poster is very nice but I wonder why Yunho is in the poster since he is not one of the characters. Is he portrayed as Jaehyeon? It will be better for the reader if you had told us who is who.
Forewords: 5/5
I like your forewords very much. It gives us enough information on the story. And the characters were listed out. I like the way it was a short summary of the story. Good job!
Plot: 11/15
Your plot is a bit too simple. The part where the true love is the only one who can find the key is great but the way Jaehyeon accepted (___) was too quick. (____) had risked her own life to free Jaejoong and when she finally found the key, Jaehyeon forgave her because she was his daughter. I think the story would be much more interesting if it was dramatic on how everyone started to accept each other.
Flow: 7/10
As I have said in the 'Plot' section, the part where Jaehyeon accepted (___) was too quick. Other than that, I think your flow was pretty steady.
Spelling/Grammer/Vocabulary: 14/15
You had only one spelling error where you wrote 'here' instead of 'hear'. Don't worry that happens :). Your vocabulary is good for the story. It wasn't baby English or anything along those lines but you can still challenge yourself by using more advance vocabulary.
Characterization: 9/10
Since this is a one-shot, authors cannot really characterize their characters alot. But you did a pretty good job on telling the reader how each character is like.
Orginality: 8/10
The story is not fully original. The way how (___) is Jaehyeon's long lost daughter occurs in many stories. But I enjoyed your story.
Writing style: 9/10
Your writing style was simple and easy to follow. You did a good job.
Overall enjoyment: 7/10
I enjoyed your one-shot but I was disapointed on how it ended. I know I've been fussing about the way the girl was forgiven but I really think that is the only flaw of this story. Great Jobbbb!!!
Overall score: 79/100
I hope you take my review as an advise for your stories in the future^^. Please don't feel offended.
Saturday, 19 December 2009
Fragments by Maia
Title: Fragments
Author: Maia
Story URL: www.winglin.net/fanfic/fragments
Reviewed by jjwyl@lostshadows.co.nr
Note: Great job!
Title: 4/5
It wasn’t the first thing that caught my eye. But I like that it’s simple and one-worded. I also really liked how it matched up with the story itself.
Poster/Background: 9/10
Great poster and background. I really like how the theme of the poster is more on the white side. It really gives us a happier, merrier feeling. And, she pictures are just great!
Forewords: 4/5
I was very captivated in your foreword. You definitely have a talent in writing forewords. I was really attached to it the entire time and it made me want to continue the story. For me, forewords are very important for me when I’m looking for a story to read. If the foreword’s boring, I stop reading and continue on to the next story.
Plot: 13/15
I think the plot is quite nice. It’s not common yet not rare. It’s just that I don’t know quite where you’re trying to take the readers. But I guess it’s because
Flow: 8/10
Your timing was quite well. But I’m still waiting for the ending. It’s just that I thought the beginning was a bit rushed. Everything else seemed quite good.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 13/15
I didn’t find a lot of mistakes, just a couple grammar and spelling mistakes. But I’m really impressed that you used a wide range of vocabulary for this story. There were some words that I didn’t even know. I had to end up using the dictionary for it. But good work nonetheless!
Characterization: 7/10
I couldn’t really see what kind of characters they were. But because of your foreword, I was still able to learn about them.
Originality: 8/10
It’s nice. I think I knew where you were going. You did a good job with this category.
Writing style: 8/10
I really like your style of writing. But I would recommend one thing to you. Try to put your sentences together to form a paragraph instead. It would look a lot more neat and professional.
Overall enjoyment: 6/10
Overall score: 80/100
Author: Maia
Story URL: www.winglin.net/fanfic/fragments
Reviewed by jjwyl@lostshadows.co.nr
Note: Great job!
Title: 4/5
It wasn’t the first thing that caught my eye. But I like that it’s simple and one-worded. I also really liked how it matched up with the story itself.
Poster/Background: 9/10
Great poster and background. I really like how the theme of the poster is more on the white side. It really gives us a happier, merrier feeling. And, she pictures are just great!
Forewords: 4/5
I was very captivated in your foreword. You definitely have a talent in writing forewords. I was really attached to it the entire time and it made me want to continue the story. For me, forewords are very important for me when I’m looking for a story to read. If the foreword’s boring, I stop reading and continue on to the next story.
Plot: 13/15
I think the plot is quite nice. It’s not common yet not rare. It’s just that I don’t know quite where you’re trying to take the readers. But I guess it’s because
Flow: 8/10
Your timing was quite well. But I’m still waiting for the ending. It’s just that I thought the beginning was a bit rushed. Everything else seemed quite good.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 13/15
I didn’t find a lot of mistakes, just a couple grammar and spelling mistakes. But I’m really impressed that you used a wide range of vocabulary for this story. There were some words that I didn’t even know. I had to end up using the dictionary for it. But good work nonetheless!
Characterization: 7/10
I couldn’t really see what kind of characters they were. But because of your foreword, I was still able to learn about them.
Originality: 8/10
It’s nice. I think I knew where you were going. You did a good job with this category.
Writing style: 8/10
I really like your style of writing. But I would recommend one thing to you. Try to put your sentences together to form a paragraph instead. It would look a lot more neat and professional.
Overall enjoyment: 6/10
Overall score: 80/100
Friday, 18 December 2009
I fell in love w/ my own brother by Khimme
Title: I fell in love w/ my own brother
Author: Khimme
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/Ayumu1/
Reviewed by jjwyl@lostshadows.co.nr
Note: Sorry it took so long to do this. And I hope you don’t take this review in an offensive way.
Title: 1/5
It’s not eye-catching enough. And the title seems to be too long, so it looks kind of messy. And you should not write ‘w/’ in story titles because it will make the title look unprofessional.
Poster/Background: 9/10
Love the poster. It really goes with the story because when I read your story, it had lots of happy moments in it and the poster seems to be able to tell us that it’s happy because of its colors.
Forewords: 2/5
There’s not enough information given to us about the story. I think you should have added some more information. Because for me, the foreword is the first thing I look at on a story. If the forewords not any good, I don’t read it. I continue on to another story.
Plot: 9/15
It didn’t seem like you knew quite what you where you were going with the plot. And it wasn’t organized properly.
Flow: 7/10
The flow wasn’t too bad. It was going at a pretty good pace. But just work on the beginning and the end a bit more. I felt like the end was a bit rushed.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/15
For this one, you should really work on capitalizing your ‘I’s’. And try not to use the same words over and over again. I found that you used a lot of ‘You’s’ in your sentences. You should edit your grammar before submitting.
Characterization: 7/10
I didn’t quite get the feel of the characters. You didn’t really explain much about their personalities and such.
Originality: 6/10
The story line is too cheesy and too common. Falling in love with somebody you can’t/shouldn’t. I’ve read a couple of those before.
Writing style: 4/10
I thought there were too much sentences and not enough paragraphs. You should consider writing in bigger paragraphs, putting a bunch of sentences together to form a paragraph. It would look a lot neater. And also, you should put a fictional name for “_____” the line makes it look a bit messy.
Overall enjoyment: 4/10
Sorry, but I couldn’t really get the feel of it.
Overall score: 56/100
Author: Khimme
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/Ayumu1/
Reviewed by jjwyl@lostshadows.co.nr
Note: Sorry it took so long to do this. And I hope you don’t take this review in an offensive way.
Title: 1/5
It’s not eye-catching enough. And the title seems to be too long, so it looks kind of messy. And you should not write ‘w/’ in story titles because it will make the title look unprofessional.
Poster/Background: 9/10
Love the poster. It really goes with the story because when I read your story, it had lots of happy moments in it and the poster seems to be able to tell us that it’s happy because of its colors.
Forewords: 2/5
There’s not enough information given to us about the story. I think you should have added some more information. Because for me, the foreword is the first thing I look at on a story. If the forewords not any good, I don’t read it. I continue on to another story.
Plot: 9/15
It didn’t seem like you knew quite what you where you were going with the plot. And it wasn’t organized properly.
Flow: 7/10
The flow wasn’t too bad. It was going at a pretty good pace. But just work on the beginning and the end a bit more. I felt like the end was a bit rushed.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/15
For this one, you should really work on capitalizing your ‘I’s’. And try not to use the same words over and over again. I found that you used a lot of ‘You’s’ in your sentences. You should edit your grammar before submitting.
Characterization: 7/10
I didn’t quite get the feel of the characters. You didn’t really explain much about their personalities and such.
Originality: 6/10
The story line is too cheesy and too common. Falling in love with somebody you can’t/shouldn’t. I’ve read a couple of those before.
Writing style: 4/10
I thought there were too much sentences and not enough paragraphs. You should consider writing in bigger paragraphs, putting a bunch of sentences together to form a paragraph. It would look a lot neater. And also, you should put a fictional name for “_____” the line makes it look a bit messy.
Overall enjoyment: 4/10
Sorry, but I couldn’t really get the feel of it.
Overall score: 56/100
Sunday, 13 December 2009
Could Have Been The One - kibbit
Title: Could Have Been The One
Author: kibbit
Link: www.winglin.net/fanfic/kibbit
Reviewer: DarkAngel@lostshadows.co.nr
Title: 4/5
-I have to say, the title isn’t really interesting. It sounds like some of the other stories I’ve been reviewing, or reading. I guess something more interesting can help.
Poster/Background: 9/10
-I like the poster. It was pretty cute. I just don’t really get the background. It doesn’t match with the story or the poster.
Forewords: 5/5
-Your foreword told us a little about the characters and the plot. It also had a little poem. Good job! I just love the poem!
Plot: 7/15
-Sorry, but this plot is so common these days. A girl gets pregnant and other things happen. A good story is unpredictable, and I could pretty much tell what’s going to happen next. You can add something completely shocking in the story and that would grasp the readers’ attention even more.
Flow: 7/10
-The speed of the story went by kind of fast. It’s been days and then months so fast.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/15
-I would prefer if you don’t abbreviate the words because it makes it harder to read like “qt”. Also, add commas and periods. I mean, there’s so much exclamation and question marks that it gets on my nerves. And if you want to end a sentence with a period, don’t put “…” because you put a lot of those. I see a little bit improvement after your first review, but still.
1. Wrong: SoEun: hhmm..mommy would buy you ice cream after you finish day okay??
Right: SoEun: Hm, mommy would buy you ice cream after you finish, okay?
2. Wrong: SoEun: ofcourse its her grandpa’s birthday! Right Ha-neul??
Right: SoEun: Of course! It’s her grandpa’s birthday! Right, Ha-Neul?
I advise you read your story over and try to revise it.
Characterization: 5/10
-The character’s personalities are very common. I would prefer if you added some kind of twist in their life, so it would make the story more exciting. A good story has interesting characters. But I have to admit, they are a little cute.
Originality: 5/10
-Sorry, but I’ve seen many stories similar to this before. I would like to see something new for a chance. It would definitely draw readers to the story if it was different from all the others.
Writing style: 7/10
-I don’t really like script style, but I guess it’s all right. I just want it to have more details.
Overall enjoyment: 6/10
-Sorry, but due to all of the grammar mistakes and the common plot, I didn’t really like this story. I guess it’s okay, but it was boring. I hope you can add a twist to it, so future readers can be more excited.
Overall score: 62/100
Author: kibbit
Link: www.winglin.net/fanfic/kibbit
Reviewer: DarkAngel@lostshadows.co.nr
Title: 4/5
-I have to say, the title isn’t really interesting. It sounds like some of the other stories I’ve been reviewing, or reading. I guess something more interesting can help.
Poster/Background: 9/10
-I like the poster. It was pretty cute. I just don’t really get the background. It doesn’t match with the story or the poster.
Forewords: 5/5
-Your foreword told us a little about the characters and the plot. It also had a little poem. Good job! I just love the poem!
Plot: 7/15
-Sorry, but this plot is so common these days. A girl gets pregnant and other things happen. A good story is unpredictable, and I could pretty much tell what’s going to happen next. You can add something completely shocking in the story and that would grasp the readers’ attention even more.
Flow: 7/10
-The speed of the story went by kind of fast. It’s been days and then months so fast.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/15
-I would prefer if you don’t abbreviate the words because it makes it harder to read like “qt”. Also, add commas and periods. I mean, there’s so much exclamation and question marks that it gets on my nerves. And if you want to end a sentence with a period, don’t put “…” because you put a lot of those. I see a little bit improvement after your first review, but still.
1. Wrong: SoEun: hhmm..mommy would buy you ice cream after you finish day okay??
Right: SoEun: Hm, mommy would buy you ice cream after you finish, okay?
2. Wrong: SoEun: ofcourse its her grandpa’s birthday! Right Ha-neul??
Right: SoEun: Of course! It’s her grandpa’s birthday! Right, Ha-Neul?
I advise you read your story over and try to revise it.
Characterization: 5/10
-The character’s personalities are very common. I would prefer if you added some kind of twist in their life, so it would make the story more exciting. A good story has interesting characters. But I have to admit, they are a little cute.
Originality: 5/10
-Sorry, but I’ve seen many stories similar to this before. I would like to see something new for a chance. It would definitely draw readers to the story if it was different from all the others.
Writing style: 7/10
-I don’t really like script style, but I guess it’s all right. I just want it to have more details.
Overall enjoyment: 6/10
-Sorry, but due to all of the grammar mistakes and the common plot, I didn’t really like this story. I guess it’s okay, but it was boring. I hope you can add a twist to it, so future readers can be more excited.
Overall score: 62/100
Friday, 11 December 2009
xp e r f e c t by EMI
Title: xp e r f e c t
Author: EMI
Story Link: http://winglin.net/fanfic/xPerfect
Reviewer: ShadowYin
Site: http://lostshadows.co.nr/
This review is not meant to be offensive, but contains purely my personal opinions on how I think the fanfic can be improved. I too, can be wrong, so please don’t take this review to heart.
Title: 3/5: It’s simple, it’s relevant, and it’s good. Personal opinion, I like something more creative and unique which would make me more interested in the plot.
Poster/Background: 8/10: I like how the pictures blend together, but the title could be enlarged? I love the pictures you used, but the quotes are a bit hard to see. Also, the first impression you give the reader is very important. Some readers take interest in your fanfic because of the poster. It’s beautiful, but it doesn’t tell me much about the theme or what your story is about. I really like the background!
Forewords: 4/5: I loved how you started your fanfic with a quote. A few minor errors here and there [look at Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary for examples] it really made the readers want to read more. Not too long or too short. It’s good.
Plot: 11/15: The plot is good and interesting. In a way it’s unique, but read ‘originality’ section. In a way, after you started the fiction, the events were quite predictable. Try think outside the box to surprise your readers. Your plot is actually excellent, but to make it yours you really need to add something which would make the reader remember your fanfic. Your fanfic is different; just need something to make it more special.
Flow: 6/10: The flow of the story was good. However, the flow of the sentences wasn’t as good. I understand you wanted to create longer sentences, but using ‘and’ to connect sentences is not always the best idea. (Please read writing style section) Some sentences flowed very well until you repeated ‘and’ or no connectives at all. For some sentences you only used commas which gave a listing effect, and also interfered with the flow of the story.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 10/15:
You wrote:
Even when people are many technological advancements everyday, nothing can be perfect. (I don’t know what you’re trying to say.)
You wrote:
…he grinned (well, actually, his cheeks lifted a little so she took that as a grin), shouted "Great!"… (try to link your sentences with connectives, because in this case, it doesn’t really make sense.)
My version:
…he grinned (well, actually, his cheeks lifted a little so she took that as a grin) BEFORE SHOUTING "Great!"
You wrote: boy against into a crevice (don’t use both. Either use against or into.)
Some unnecessary punctuation e.g.: "What the hell am I supposed to do, then?" (Comma is not needed. Try reading it to yourself out loud.)
Tenses a bit mixed up: once he explained that 'top secret' part (he hasn’t explained it yet, so it should be explains. Or it could be ‘once he HAS explained’)
-
There were a few others which could be corrected if you proof read. It could be possible that you had the correct grammar in your mind; however a fanfic writer’s biggest enemy is typos. I found a few minor typos here and there. Also sentences were a bit awkward.
You vocabulary improved starting from your introduction. I know that’s when the main story start, but it’s important that you are consistent with your writing. (read writing style section which talks more about your vocab.)
Last example, you wrote:
…if a person died before they truly completed his or her life, before they did everything they needed to do, then they could die with peace, with ease, and with their eyes closed. But if there were things left incomplete within that person’s lifetime, they would die with their eyes open…
-
…if a person died BEFORE… - It means they haven’t done it yet. It feels like you’re self contradicting here. Think you should use AFTER instead?
Characterization: 7/10: There were points when I felt that the characters weren’t really realistic. On the contrary, you made it realistic by including things like ‘neopets’, something which many people can relate to. It makes your character realistic when you make reference to something which is commonly known. Real life problems where raised – once again it makes your characters believable.
I didn’t mark you down on this, because I’m still a tad confused. The story behind Michiyo in chapter 9 and 13/14, was quite different? Don’t know what’s doing on. Like, before it was never mentioned that she has a sister. Also, in chapter 9, it said that her father left the house when she was 10? And then he reappears in chapter 13.
Originality: 7/10: You are quite unlucky. Even though I rarely read books, I’ve read books talking about perfect humans and how they experiment them etc. This also reminds me of Final Fantasy and Gundam Seed. Great animes. I know it’s hard to be original, and compared with many fanfics I’ve read, this is original. It’s just not the first time someone’s used this. Like I said before, try thinking outside the box. Surprise your readers.
The part where there was a killer was really good. Great built up of tension, excellent description.
Writing style: 7/10:
Chapters started with quotes – loved it.
Some of techniques I’ve spotted. This is good, because it shows your understanding of the English language. These techniques also allow the reader to imagine the fanfic better.
- Rule of three
- Rhetorical questions
- Onomatopoeia
- Varied sentences used in a very effective way. (Some were used very effectively, whilst some needed some work on.)
- Personification
- Similes
The statistics you used in your introduction, really made your fanfic seem real. Well done!
The way you describe appeal to the human senses, which is good.
On the other hand, I was disappointed when you included two dialogues from two different speakers on the same line. It would be best if you start a new line for a different speaker. In a way, it ruins the structure, making it difficult to read. Also, it gets a bit confusing who’s speaking what. You only did it a few times, so it wasn’t too bad.
Also at a point, you were writing in the third person, then in the same paragraphed switched to writing it the first person.
-
You wrote:
The people in it AND myself call it the Sphere Project, because as you know, spheres are well-rounded AND must not have any faults in them or else they will not work.
Try not to include more than one ‘and’ in a sentence. Try not to be so repetitive, and use other connectives.
My example:
The people in it AS WELL AS myself…
Another example of what you wrote:
Right after the new Project AND the scientist had left, she had persuaded Henry AND Jinki to come with her to her house for lunch, AND after they were full AND fed, she had blackmailed them immediately with embarrassing pictures of them, AND forced them into even more embarrassing things AND took even more embarrassing pictures of them.
It’s not good to repeat the same word in a sentence. It applies to many words, and ‘and’ is a crucial one. There’s already 6 ‘and’ s in one sentence, imagine how many more ands I found on the page. If you can’t think of a connective to link the sentences, one of the best options is to keep it short. Long sentences don’t necessarily mean it’s good. Sometimes, a short snappy sentence is better than a long descriptive one, which is why it’s good to have a balance of both, and know when to use it at the right times. The example I picked out is an abnormally long sentence. You could probably split that in three or four sentences. Sentences like these interfere with the flow of the fanfic.
Remember: Repetition is used to make it memorable for the reader. The way you repeated ‘and’, ‘said’ and ‘however’ does not have this effect. Later on the fanfic, you dropped the uses of ‘said’ and ‘however, but ‘and’ is still used a lot throughout.
Some of the sentences, you left it at an awkward position. Example: He made an awkward smile, said “Sorry,” kissed her forehead and left the room.
Michiyo slept with uncertainty.
There’s nothing wrong with this, but once again it link with the flow of the sentences. Try reading it to yourself. Here I thought you could’ve expanded, or reworded the sentence because there were no connectives which made your description sound like a list. Also, “Michiyo slept with uncertainty.” It’s so short; it felt like it was more like a direction in a play. Commas make your sentences longer, but there’s no use making them long when it doesn’t flow.
My version (edited it a bit):
He gave her an awkward smile whilst apologizing. Before he left the room he planted a kiss on her forehead, which made her sleep with uncertainty.
Overall enjoyment: 7/10
You have a great imagination, and lovely description. However repetition of ‘and’ and ‘said’ pulls your writing down. I enjoyed it because you were very descriptive, also because it’s not something I commonly read in fanfics. It’s a story with great thoughts as well as imagination. You have great ideas, except that you need to think about your way of presenting. Every time I was getting into the plot, I come across errors which make me stop to think what you were trying to say.
In later chapters, the plot got really good. I love how you describe the tragedy of each character.
Overall score: 70/100
I hope this helps. Sorry if I offended you in any way, I really didn’t mean it. *Hides* don’t hate me. Good luck with your fanfic. Hwaiting!
Author: EMI
Story Link: http://winglin.net/fanfic/xPerfect
Reviewer: ShadowYin
Site: http://lostshadows.co.nr/
This review is not meant to be offensive, but contains purely my personal opinions on how I think the fanfic can be improved. I too, can be wrong, so please don’t take this review to heart.
Title: 3/5: It’s simple, it’s relevant, and it’s good. Personal opinion, I like something more creative and unique which would make me more interested in the plot.
Poster/Background: 8/10: I like how the pictures blend together, but the title could be enlarged? I love the pictures you used, but the quotes are a bit hard to see. Also, the first impression you give the reader is very important. Some readers take interest in your fanfic because of the poster. It’s beautiful, but it doesn’t tell me much about the theme or what your story is about. I really like the background!
Forewords: 4/5: I loved how you started your fanfic with a quote. A few minor errors here and there [look at Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary for examples] it really made the readers want to read more. Not too long or too short. It’s good.
Plot: 11/15: The plot is good and interesting. In a way it’s unique, but read ‘originality’ section. In a way, after you started the fiction, the events were quite predictable. Try think outside the box to surprise your readers. Your plot is actually excellent, but to make it yours you really need to add something which would make the reader remember your fanfic. Your fanfic is different; just need something to make it more special.
Flow: 6/10: The flow of the story was good. However, the flow of the sentences wasn’t as good. I understand you wanted to create longer sentences, but using ‘and’ to connect sentences is not always the best idea. (Please read writing style section) Some sentences flowed very well until you repeated ‘and’ or no connectives at all. For some sentences you only used commas which gave a listing effect, and also interfered with the flow of the story.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 10/15:
You wrote:
Even when people are many technological advancements everyday, nothing can be perfect. (I don’t know what you’re trying to say.)
You wrote:
…he grinned (well, actually, his cheeks lifted a little so she took that as a grin), shouted "Great!"… (try to link your sentences with connectives, because in this case, it doesn’t really make sense.)
My version:
…he grinned (well, actually, his cheeks lifted a little so she took that as a grin) BEFORE SHOUTING "Great!"
You wrote: boy against into a crevice (don’t use both. Either use against or into.)
Some unnecessary punctuation e.g.: "What the hell am I supposed to do, then?" (Comma is not needed. Try reading it to yourself out loud.)
Tenses a bit mixed up: once he explained that 'top secret' part (he hasn’t explained it yet, so it should be explains. Or it could be ‘once he HAS explained’)
-
There were a few others which could be corrected if you proof read. It could be possible that you had the correct grammar in your mind; however a fanfic writer’s biggest enemy is typos. I found a few minor typos here and there. Also sentences were a bit awkward.
You vocabulary improved starting from your introduction. I know that’s when the main story start, but it’s important that you are consistent with your writing. (read writing style section which talks more about your vocab.)
Last example, you wrote:
…if a person died before they truly completed his or her life, before they did everything they needed to do, then they could die with peace, with ease, and with their eyes closed. But if there were things left incomplete within that person’s lifetime, they would die with their eyes open…
-
…if a person died BEFORE… - It means they haven’t done it yet. It feels like you’re self contradicting here. Think you should use AFTER instead?
Characterization: 7/10: There were points when I felt that the characters weren’t really realistic. On the contrary, you made it realistic by including things like ‘neopets’, something which many people can relate to. It makes your character realistic when you make reference to something which is commonly known. Real life problems where raised – once again it makes your characters believable.
I didn’t mark you down on this, because I’m still a tad confused. The story behind Michiyo in chapter 9 and 13/14, was quite different? Don’t know what’s doing on. Like, before it was never mentioned that she has a sister. Also, in chapter 9, it said that her father left the house when she was 10? And then he reappears in chapter 13.
Originality: 7/10: You are quite unlucky. Even though I rarely read books, I’ve read books talking about perfect humans and how they experiment them etc. This also reminds me of Final Fantasy and Gundam Seed. Great animes. I know it’s hard to be original, and compared with many fanfics I’ve read, this is original. It’s just not the first time someone’s used this. Like I said before, try thinking outside the box. Surprise your readers.
The part where there was a killer was really good. Great built up of tension, excellent description.
Writing style: 7/10:
Chapters started with quotes – loved it.
Some of techniques I’ve spotted. This is good, because it shows your understanding of the English language. These techniques also allow the reader to imagine the fanfic better.
- Rule of three
- Rhetorical questions
- Onomatopoeia
- Varied sentences used in a very effective way. (Some were used very effectively, whilst some needed some work on.)
- Personification
- Similes
The statistics you used in your introduction, really made your fanfic seem real. Well done!
The way you describe appeal to the human senses, which is good.
On the other hand, I was disappointed when you included two dialogues from two different speakers on the same line. It would be best if you start a new line for a different speaker. In a way, it ruins the structure, making it difficult to read. Also, it gets a bit confusing who’s speaking what. You only did it a few times, so it wasn’t too bad.
Also at a point, you were writing in the third person, then in the same paragraphed switched to writing it the first person.
-
You wrote:
The people in it AND myself call it the Sphere Project, because as you know, spheres are well-rounded AND must not have any faults in them or else they will not work.
Try not to include more than one ‘and’ in a sentence. Try not to be so repetitive, and use other connectives.
My example:
The people in it AS WELL AS myself…
Another example of what you wrote:
Right after the new Project AND the scientist had left, she had persuaded Henry AND Jinki to come with her to her house for lunch, AND after they were full AND fed, she had blackmailed them immediately with embarrassing pictures of them, AND forced them into even more embarrassing things AND took even more embarrassing pictures of them.
It’s not good to repeat the same word in a sentence. It applies to many words, and ‘and’ is a crucial one. There’s already 6 ‘and’ s in one sentence, imagine how many more ands I found on the page. If you can’t think of a connective to link the sentences, one of the best options is to keep it short. Long sentences don’t necessarily mean it’s good. Sometimes, a short snappy sentence is better than a long descriptive one, which is why it’s good to have a balance of both, and know when to use it at the right times. The example I picked out is an abnormally long sentence. You could probably split that in three or four sentences. Sentences like these interfere with the flow of the fanfic.
Remember: Repetition is used to make it memorable for the reader. The way you repeated ‘and’, ‘said’ and ‘however’ does not have this effect. Later on the fanfic, you dropped the uses of ‘said’ and ‘however, but ‘and’ is still used a lot throughout.
Some of the sentences, you left it at an awkward position. Example: He made an awkward smile, said “Sorry,” kissed her forehead and left the room.
Michiyo slept with uncertainty.
There’s nothing wrong with this, but once again it link with the flow of the sentences. Try reading it to yourself. Here I thought you could’ve expanded, or reworded the sentence because there were no connectives which made your description sound like a list. Also, “Michiyo slept with uncertainty.” It’s so short; it felt like it was more like a direction in a play. Commas make your sentences longer, but there’s no use making them long when it doesn’t flow.
My version (edited it a bit):
He gave her an awkward smile whilst apologizing. Before he left the room he planted a kiss on her forehead, which made her sleep with uncertainty.
Overall enjoyment: 7/10
You have a great imagination, and lovely description. However repetition of ‘and’ and ‘said’ pulls your writing down. I enjoyed it because you were very descriptive, also because it’s not something I commonly read in fanfics. It’s a story with great thoughts as well as imagination. You have great ideas, except that you need to think about your way of presenting. Every time I was getting into the plot, I come across errors which make me stop to think what you were trying to say.
In later chapters, the plot got really good. I love how you describe the tragedy of each character.
Overall score: 70/100
I hope this helps. Sorry if I offended you in any way, I really didn’t mean it. *Hides* don’t hate me. Good luck with your fanfic. Hwaiting!
Thursday, 10 December 2009
Under the stars by Miki_Lee
Title: Under the stars
Author: Miki_Lee
Story Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/Miki_Lee/
Reviewer: ShadowYin
Site: http://lostshadows.co.nr/
This review is not meant to be offensive, but contains purely my personal opinions on how I think the fanfic can be improved. I too, can be wrong, so please don’t take this review to heart.
Title: 2/5: I like the title. However it’s really simple, which doesn’t particularly interest me. Also, I was unable to connect the story with the title. There was reference to stars in later chapters, but I can’t relate it to Hyukjae and Donghae.
Poster/Background: 6/10: It’s simple, yet not very eye catching in a way which would make me interested in the story, but I love your use of picture. Extra point…because it’s blue. :D
Forewords: 3/5: Doesn’t really tell me what the story is about, and since it’s generally your message to the readers, I won’t mark you down on spelling/punctuation/grammar, but it tells the readers what to expect, which is good.
Plot: 9/15: I really liked the part when Moonsora died. I sound evil, but it’s true. The tension built up so quickly. I think it was my favourite part. Also, her death was so sudden. It was unpredictable that she would die so soon with her baby. It was cliché in a way, but I really liked it.
More bonus points because you included Ryeowook, and many other Super Junior members too!
I’m not much of a yaoi fan, but your fanfic is sweet. The plot was interesting in a way because it included so many side stories, and Eunhae is cute :D.
In a way, it’s also because you have so many side stories it loses the story’s main focus.
Flow: 7/10: Overall, the flow was ok. However, I took some points away because some of the sentences didn’t flow as well. Some of your longer sentences went on and on, which made it seem like you were listing out the description, whereas it would’ve been more effective to either start a new sentence or use different connectives to make your story flow better.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/15:
Here are some of the examples of ways I thought your fanfic could be improved.
You wrote:
His feet were moving smooth around the room…
My version:
His feet were moving SMOOTHLY around the room…
-
You wrote:
DongHae could not help it, he stared at HyukJae like he was cursed; he was so talented, but also beautiful. [use of connective – ‘but’ has an opposing effect. If you want to use ‘but’ it would make more sense to write: ‘He was not only talented, but beautiful too.’ Your sentence makes sense, but it doesn’t flow as well. Or I suggest you replace ‘but’ with ‘and’] He shook his head. Beautiful? What was he thinking? “I’m a man, dammit! I’m just really exhausted,” he was talking to himself, loud enough for HyukJae to hear, if he were not in the middle of a dance.
My version:
DongHae could not help BUT stare at HIM AS IF he was cursed; HE WAS NOT ONLY TALENTED, BUT BEAUTIFUL TOO. He shook his head. Beautiful? What was he thinking? “I’m a man, dammit! I’m just really exhausted,” he was talking to himself, loud enough for HyukJae to hear, if he wasn’t in the middle of a dance.
-
You wrote:
Hae-Min was staring confused at him.
My version:
Hae-Min stared at him in confusion
-
You wrote:
It knocked on the door. “Can I come in?” (there’s nothing wrong with this sentence, but I think it would be better if you didn’t use ‘it’? because ‘it’ is normally used to describe objects and animals?)
My version
Someone knocked on the door before asking for permission to enter. (but since you want to leave the chapter in suspense, you could’ve just left it as ‘there was a knock on the door’ and probably expand on that. Sometimes it might not be necessary to use dialogue.)
Example:
Someone knocked on the door which made them jump. They stared at each other, wondering who was behind that door.
.
Suggestions (these I didn’t mark you down on.): (your use of words – correction/suggestions)
Started thinking – thought
Started looking - looked
Stared angry – Stared angrily.
*Errors on certain spellings were found, which can easily be spotted by proof reading*
Confusion of word – ‘wept’: ‘wept’ means weeping in the past tense which is another word for cry. But it seems like you’ve misused the word? I THINK you’ve mistaken it with the word ‘wiped’?
On the other hand, your vocab was getting better as the story progressed.
Characterization: 5/10: I’m going to be picky, sorry…
Even writing fanfics myself, I can’t help but make the males cry, but in reality men crying all the time doesn’t seem real in a way. I know you might not realise whilst typing, but the reader may not like that. Remember crying is a very sensitive emotion, be careful when you’re writing about it.
Donghae – you made him possess a feminine personality throughout the fanfic, which shows you’ve considered his character.
Some characters do the same actions. For example: Haemin always pokes Donghae, which makes the characters more realistic.
ShiWon = Religious. I’ll give you points for that.
Confusion about characters…Shindong suddenly becomes Kangin in chapter 21?
Originality: 8/10: It was original. Quite a lot unexpected parts.
Writing style: 7/10: I realised you used ‘were not’, ‘could not’ quite often, but sometimes it might be easier to write ‘weren’t’ and ‘couldn’t’ for a change?
You used quite a lot of writing techniques, which I am pleased to see. It shows your understanding in the English language. You used similes which really help the reader to imagine the character’s feelings, surroundings etc. Also you made use of questions, which not only made the reader think but also give us an insight of what the character was thinking.
Sometimes I feel that some of your longer sentences can be split into two – but this is only my personal opinion. It felt weird, because some of your sentences were really descriptive, but you also had sentences which lacked description. I didn’t know whether you wanted that effect or not. Some authors do this for effect, but if you use it too many time, the technique doesn’t work that well. Some sentences I really think you can expand to make it more interesting.
More suggestions
You wrote:
…He heard Hae crying, AND even though he had no idea of what was going on AND was angry as hell, he had to turn around AND try comforting his hyung.
My suggestion:
Try not to repeat the same word in the same sentence. It makes your sentence boring and repetitive. It also makes the readers see your lack of vocab.
Note: you wrote ‘America of all things!’ I’m not sure if it’s for characterisation or you purposely did that, but it would make more sense to say ‘America of all places!’
I loved the way you used cliff-hangers at the end of every chapter, it makes the reader interested in what would happen next in the story.
Read spell/puct/gram section. Also, I noticed you used the same words throughout the fanfic. I know it’s hard to realise it whilst you’re writing, but for a reader, it might lose their interest in the entire plot. Try changing your words once in a while. You don’t need a MASSIVE range of vocab, but just a few different words so that your writing isn’t so repetitive. However, because the words you used were relatively simple, it was easy to understand the storyline.
Overall enjoyment: 6/10: I didn’t like how you repeated ‘and’ so often. It got really repetitive for me, especially when I found more than one ‘and’ in a sentence. There were times when the sentences appeared to be a bit awkward to me, but because I’m unsure, I didn’t mark you down on that.
Bonus point because you included ‘Koizora’!! I love it personally, but also because it makes your story seem real in a sense because Koizora is a movie/drama, which many Asian drama/movie addicts can relate to.
I felt rather confused in a few chapters, for example from 17 to 18. I had to stop to think where the ‘5 days’ came from.
But anyways, extra points because your style of writing was improving in later chapters. ^^
Dialogue would be better if you started a new line for a different speaker. When it’s all in one line, the structure doesn’t look that nice, and sometimes it hard to tell who’s speaking.
I don’t really like to read chunks of writing, which was how you wrote at the end. I love chapter 21 though!!! It was so sad!
HYUKJAE! DONGHAE! HWAITING!
Overall score: 60/100
Please don’t be offended. I hope this would help you improve. Good luck on your story. Hwaiting!
Tips: try to expand your use of connectives and vocab. Proof read – some of the sentence structure and words were a bit awkward.
Author: Miki_Lee
Story Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/Miki_Lee/
Reviewer: ShadowYin
Site: http://lostshadows.co.nr/
This review is not meant to be offensive, but contains purely my personal opinions on how I think the fanfic can be improved. I too, can be wrong, so please don’t take this review to heart.
Title: 2/5: I like the title. However it’s really simple, which doesn’t particularly interest me. Also, I was unable to connect the story with the title. There was reference to stars in later chapters, but I can’t relate it to Hyukjae and Donghae.
Poster/Background: 6/10: It’s simple, yet not very eye catching in a way which would make me interested in the story, but I love your use of picture. Extra point…because it’s blue. :D
Forewords: 3/5: Doesn’t really tell me what the story is about, and since it’s generally your message to the readers, I won’t mark you down on spelling/punctuation/grammar, but it tells the readers what to expect, which is good.
Plot: 9/15: I really liked the part when Moonsora died. I sound evil, but it’s true. The tension built up so quickly. I think it was my favourite part. Also, her death was so sudden. It was unpredictable that she would die so soon with her baby. It was cliché in a way, but I really liked it.
More bonus points because you included Ryeowook, and many other Super Junior members too!
I’m not much of a yaoi fan, but your fanfic is sweet. The plot was interesting in a way because it included so many side stories, and Eunhae is cute :D.
In a way, it’s also because you have so many side stories it loses the story’s main focus.
Flow: 7/10: Overall, the flow was ok. However, I took some points away because some of the sentences didn’t flow as well. Some of your longer sentences went on and on, which made it seem like you were listing out the description, whereas it would’ve been more effective to either start a new sentence or use different connectives to make your story flow better.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/15:
Here are some of the examples of ways I thought your fanfic could be improved.
You wrote:
His feet were moving smooth around the room…
My version:
His feet were moving SMOOTHLY around the room…
-
You wrote:
DongHae could not help it, he stared at HyukJae like he was cursed; he was so talented, but also beautiful. [use of connective – ‘but’ has an opposing effect. If you want to use ‘but’ it would make more sense to write: ‘He was not only talented, but beautiful too.’ Your sentence makes sense, but it doesn’t flow as well. Or I suggest you replace ‘but’ with ‘and’] He shook his head. Beautiful? What was he thinking? “I’m a man, dammit! I’m just really exhausted,” he was talking to himself, loud enough for HyukJae to hear, if he were not in the middle of a dance.
My version:
DongHae could not help BUT stare at HIM AS IF he was cursed; HE WAS NOT ONLY TALENTED, BUT BEAUTIFUL TOO. He shook his head. Beautiful? What was he thinking? “I’m a man, dammit! I’m just really exhausted,” he was talking to himself, loud enough for HyukJae to hear, if he wasn’t in the middle of a dance.
-
You wrote:
Hae-Min was staring confused at him.
My version:
Hae-Min stared at him in confusion
-
You wrote:
It knocked on the door. “Can I come in?” (there’s nothing wrong with this sentence, but I think it would be better if you didn’t use ‘it’? because ‘it’ is normally used to describe objects and animals?)
My version
Someone knocked on the door before asking for permission to enter. (but since you want to leave the chapter in suspense, you could’ve just left it as ‘there was a knock on the door’ and probably expand on that. Sometimes it might not be necessary to use dialogue.)
Example:
Someone knocked on the door which made them jump. They stared at each other, wondering who was behind that door.
.
Suggestions (these I didn’t mark you down on.): (your use of words – correction/suggestions)
Started thinking – thought
Started looking - looked
Stared angry – Stared angrily.
*Errors on certain spellings were found, which can easily be spotted by proof reading*
Confusion of word – ‘wept’: ‘wept’ means weeping in the past tense which is another word for cry. But it seems like you’ve misused the word? I THINK you’ve mistaken it with the word ‘wiped’?
On the other hand, your vocab was getting better as the story progressed.
Characterization: 5/10: I’m going to be picky, sorry…
Even writing fanfics myself, I can’t help but make the males cry, but in reality men crying all the time doesn’t seem real in a way. I know you might not realise whilst typing, but the reader may not like that. Remember crying is a very sensitive emotion, be careful when you’re writing about it.
Donghae – you made him possess a feminine personality throughout the fanfic, which shows you’ve considered his character.
Some characters do the same actions. For example: Haemin always pokes Donghae, which makes the characters more realistic.
ShiWon = Religious. I’ll give you points for that.
Confusion about characters…Shindong suddenly becomes Kangin in chapter 21?
Originality: 8/10: It was original. Quite a lot unexpected parts.
Writing style: 7/10: I realised you used ‘were not’, ‘could not’ quite often, but sometimes it might be easier to write ‘weren’t’ and ‘couldn’t’ for a change?
You used quite a lot of writing techniques, which I am pleased to see. It shows your understanding in the English language. You used similes which really help the reader to imagine the character’s feelings, surroundings etc. Also you made use of questions, which not only made the reader think but also give us an insight of what the character was thinking.
Sometimes I feel that some of your longer sentences can be split into two – but this is only my personal opinion. It felt weird, because some of your sentences were really descriptive, but you also had sentences which lacked description. I didn’t know whether you wanted that effect or not. Some authors do this for effect, but if you use it too many time, the technique doesn’t work that well. Some sentences I really think you can expand to make it more interesting.
More suggestions
You wrote:
…He heard Hae crying, AND even though he had no idea of what was going on AND was angry as hell, he had to turn around AND try comforting his hyung.
My suggestion:
Try not to repeat the same word in the same sentence. It makes your sentence boring and repetitive. It also makes the readers see your lack of vocab.
Note: you wrote ‘America of all things!’ I’m not sure if it’s for characterisation or you purposely did that, but it would make more sense to say ‘America of all places!’
I loved the way you used cliff-hangers at the end of every chapter, it makes the reader interested in what would happen next in the story.
Read spell/puct/gram section. Also, I noticed you used the same words throughout the fanfic. I know it’s hard to realise it whilst you’re writing, but for a reader, it might lose their interest in the entire plot. Try changing your words once in a while. You don’t need a MASSIVE range of vocab, but just a few different words so that your writing isn’t so repetitive. However, because the words you used were relatively simple, it was easy to understand the storyline.
Overall enjoyment: 6/10: I didn’t like how you repeated ‘and’ so often. It got really repetitive for me, especially when I found more than one ‘and’ in a sentence. There were times when the sentences appeared to be a bit awkward to me, but because I’m unsure, I didn’t mark you down on that.
Bonus point because you included ‘Koizora’!! I love it personally, but also because it makes your story seem real in a sense because Koizora is a movie/drama, which many Asian drama/movie addicts can relate to.
I felt rather confused in a few chapters, for example from 17 to 18. I had to stop to think where the ‘5 days’ came from.
But anyways, extra points because your style of writing was improving in later chapters. ^^
Dialogue would be better if you started a new line for a different speaker. When it’s all in one line, the structure doesn’t look that nice, and sometimes it hard to tell who’s speaking.
I don’t really like to read chunks of writing, which was how you wrote at the end. I love chapter 21 though!!! It was so sad!
HYUKJAE! DONGHAE! HWAITING!
Overall score: 60/100
Please don’t be offended. I hope this would help you improve. Good luck on your story. Hwaiting!
Tips: try to expand your use of connectives and vocab. Proof read – some of the sentence structure and words were a bit awkward.
My Last Request - _niXiah
Title: My Last Request
Author: _niXiah
Story Link: http://winglin.net/fanfic/_niXIAH12/
Reviewer: Pararae
Site: http://lostshadows.co.nr/
Title: 3/5 I give you 3 because…
1. It suit the plot well as Changmin only wanted to stay by Jun Hee’s side until his last moment on earth. Technically he knows that he can’t be well and will die anyway. So that his last request is to have Jun Hee beside him.
2. It gives a good mood to the story. By just looking at the title, I know it will be a sad story, so I can say that it complement the story well. Because some titles don’t go along with the story so much because of the lack of stressing point in the title. But one shot is easier to write a title because it is straight to the point business and you done it quite well.
3. The title has no spelling mistake and capitalization error.
But you lose 2 marks because
1. It’s not interesting enough. If I go around the winglin in hunt for good story, I would definitely miss yours out, because it’s not eye-catching enough.
2. It’s too simple. Simple is good but too simple is kind of off. Try to find something more sophisticated, something that can attract readers. Use big words or interesting quote in the title to make it better, but the phrase must picture the plot wholly without leaving out the main point of the story.
Poster/Background: 5/10 the poster, text and background need a little more improvement. The color of the text is visible but a little flashy. White is not too suitable with blue because both of them are bright so try to use a contra color combination for example: black and white/ silver and black, black and blue. Because when both the background and the text are bright, it can hurt the readers’ eyes. Even though it’s not too severe but staring at it for a long time could be. The background is too plain. There’s not even a single design at the back. I think more of a complementation design could work to make the story appear stressed. The font in the poster is not suitable for the picture. It’s too bold and seems awkward too.
Forewords: 3/5 you lose 2 because…
1. It looks messy. By staking them without a border line looks really unorganized. Maybe you should try using border line such as: ----- etc to separate the summary from the author note and the detail you placed on top.
2. There’s a lot of mistakes in your summary, for example:
~ There are times when I'll be optimistic.. and there are times when I'll be pessimistic.
(Ellipsis (…) should only appear in a set of 3 and ‘and’ behind the ellipsis should be capital letter because it’s the start of the new sentence.)
~ Mostly, optimistic. Sometimes, I would think that... when I die, I'm lucky because I won't be suffering anymore... that was one of my optimistic sides... another is when... I would think that I would get to see my mom who is in heaven again... I really miss her, a lot, her warm and comfortable hugs, her angelic voice, her sweet scent... there are countless things in which I could describe her. (Same goes here. Whatever word behind ellipsis must be in capital letter and don’t chop your words with ellipsis too much. You could just simply join them or use another punctuation marks such comma or semi colon. For example: Sometimes, I would think that when I die, I'm lucky because I won't be suffering anymore; that was one of my optimistic sides. See, you don’t need ellipsis to separate them. Try to use variety of punctuation to make it more vary.)
Plot: 10/15 let me get this one out; Jun Hee become a temporary nurse to Changmin, later they fall in love and Changmin die after knowing that Jun Hee wants to become a doctor because of him. I think it’s rather common. The theme you use is too overused that you need an ultimate plot make-up to differentiate it from the others. Scene such Changmin met Jun Hee while he’s in subconscious state is good but not too realistic because it happen so quickly and the scene where Jun Hee met Changmin the first time in the hospital is funny, I actually find it adorable how both of them get along so well. The opening is good, but the ending is a bit spoiled, because of the rushing flow, lack of elaboration in a few scenes to make it stand out and the ending is predictable. Writing in Changmin’s point of view at the beginning is good because it bring the mood out; it is him who sick anyway, so the mood is there but the scene is off. You just need to repair how you develop the scene to make it interesting and how to add a few actions and twists to make it better.
Flow: 7/10 the flow of the story is quite fast from the beginning. The relationship between Changmin and Jun Hee develop so fast as in fairytale. I can’t imagine how a sick guy could possibly fall in love with his nurse in just a matter of days. If you say the relationship going for years, I have to say you didn’t develop the relationship properly. The time span between the opening and the ending is too fast, as if they just happen in a blink of an eye, so try to give more space for the time and flow to develop slowly. Don’t rush the plot and don’t force the ending to end faster because it will impair the whole time frame of the story. Elaboration is lacking during those fast forward periods of years and it makes the story still trap in the year they met. So as I said before, don’t haste, take a deep breathe and let the story flow in an acceptable speed.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/15 I’ve found a few mistakes, so let’s take a look at this…
1. “I am Kim Jun Hee, you are Shim Changmin, right?” she went towards my bed.
(After quotation mark, ‘she’ supposed to be in capital letter because it’s the start of a new sentence.)
2. I want fresh air and not the cold air coming from the aircon.
(Spelling mistake: aircon. It is supposed to be air-con.)
3. she informed me.
(She is a start of a new sentence, so capital letter should be correct.)
4. “Wow..”
(Ellipsis should only appear in a set of 3. Correction: “Wow…”)
5. she happily and excitedly exclaimed as she handed me down a white paper.
(Again, she supposed to be in capital letter. And ‘handed me down a white paper’ sounds wrong. You cannot hand someone down a white paper, down shouldn’t be in the sentence. You can either write as: She happily and excitedly exclaimed as she handed me a piece of white paper. OR: She happily and excitedly exclaimed as she handed me a white paper.)
6. I asked as I took it from her. She was looking at me with a big smile.
(Don’t chop your sentences; try to combine them if you can. Correction: I asked as I took it from her, and she was looking at me with a big smile.)
7. she pulled away as she sniffed. She wiped with her back hands, the tears that were coming from her eyes.
(Again, mind you capitalization and choppy sentences. Also, it seems that you didn’t arranger your words properly. It supposed to be: ‘she wiped what, with what’, not the other way around. Correction: she pulled away as she sniffed, and she wiped the tears that were coming from her eyes with her back hand.)
8. I covered my mouth as soon as my eyes felt like it’s moving in its own will… left to right, up and down, like it sees something that I cannot understand.
(You are using past tense in your story so don’t mixed it up unless if you need to. Correction: I covered my mouth as soon as my eyes felt like it was moving in its own will; left to right, up and down, like it saw something that I cannot understand.)
9. Seeing her in front of me… it means… we’re both dead. ???
(I wonder if you accidentally placed ‘???’ at the back or you purposely did it. But anyway, you shouldn’t put ‘???’ behind period. It’s supposed to be: we’re both dead???)
10. On why I was here already and why she was crying… all I know… was… I suffered from it again.
(Already is unneeded because ‘was’ already point that Changmin was there/already there, so by putting already in the sentence is repeating.)
11. I feel like my heart is starting to feel tired of beating… I felt like… my eyes wants to close permanently already…
(Correction: I felt like my heart is starting to feel tired of beating… I felt like… my eyes wanted to close permanently…)
12. Out of my Hands
(I know this is a lyric and you might just copy and paste but try to be careful next time because ‘hands’ should be in small letter.)
I realize that you have some problem with past tense, spelling, choppy sentences, capitalization, punctuation marks and clause. I advice you to use spell check if needed but try to revise your story again manually because the mistakes are not hard to find.
Characterization: 6/10 The characterization of Changmin is rather blurry. I can say that he’s sick, tired, talented, optimistic, but I kind of question his sense of relationship. You didn’t provide any sort of aspect that Changmin like in a girl except for cute or funny. Try to make it more detail, even though it is a one shot, because it will exclude Jun Hee from the rest of cute and funny girls in the world. I know there’s a lot. Jun Hee’s character is more or less the same as Changmin. She claimed that her dream of becoming a doctor because after her uncle told her about Changmin’s talent and how he would want to live like other healthy people. But don’t you think it is general? Doesn’t every sick person want to live healthily? See, the aspect that you bring onto these two important casts are too general and it could happen to almost anyone on earth, not just these two persons. So try to make it more detail, more description so we could exclude these two lovers from anyone else. It would make the story more interesting anyway.
Originality: 6/10 I don’t see much originality here because love theme is always overused and it depends on the writer to twist the theme and make it rare, but in your case, you stick to the old time ‘girl meet boy, boy is sick, they feel in love and the boy die’. These kind of story can be found practically anywhere and I’ve read it more than twice before. You didn’t vary the story so much, except from a different story line. Try to put more twist in here, or more drama, this kind of story could use more action too to make it more interesting. I know this is one shot and it supposed to get straight to the point but try to add a little twist scene that not too dragging but attractive. However, I like it when you make Jun Hee and Changmin fall in love (officially) after he faint because it at least give space between the opening to the climax, even though it could use more space. The time when Changmin saw Jun Hee while he faint, saying that to spend time together for the last moment is a bit common. People fall in love tend to get a dream about their lover before they come back to the state of consciousness. So try not to use that kind of scene unless you can twist it a bit to make it rare. There still much work to do here, but I think you can do it.
Writing style: 7/10 I’m not too fancy with your writing style because besides the spelling/grammar/spacing/proverb and such mistakes, your sentences are rather incomplete. You didn’t provide a complete predicate to support the subject, making the clauses of sentences hanging without acceptable nominative proverbs and nouns. You have to practice on building complete sentences because it will have a good elaboration to explain on the subject, suitable proverbs and good past/present tense (depends on which you use). This will enhance the liability of your flow and characteristic to develop itself. Also, you have a habit to chop paragraph when they actually can use more sentences. I know writing a long paragraph would be unneeded because we can extend the length of a chapter by chopping them up, but if a paragraph only left with one or two sentences, it wouldn’t be good.
Overall enjoyment: 6/10 I enjoy your story but too many mistakes kill the joy. There is a few times where I laugh and smile, your story is quite funny and I like the optimistic and sick Changmin. Lolz.
Overall score: 60/100
Author: _niXiah
Story Link: http://winglin.net/fanfic/_niXIAH12/
Reviewer: Pararae
Site: http://lostshadows.co.nr/
Title: 3/5 I give you 3 because…
1. It suit the plot well as Changmin only wanted to stay by Jun Hee’s side until his last moment on earth. Technically he knows that he can’t be well and will die anyway. So that his last request is to have Jun Hee beside him.
2. It gives a good mood to the story. By just looking at the title, I know it will be a sad story, so I can say that it complement the story well. Because some titles don’t go along with the story so much because of the lack of stressing point in the title. But one shot is easier to write a title because it is straight to the point business and you done it quite well.
3. The title has no spelling mistake and capitalization error.
But you lose 2 marks because
1. It’s not interesting enough. If I go around the winglin in hunt for good story, I would definitely miss yours out, because it’s not eye-catching enough.
2. It’s too simple. Simple is good but too simple is kind of off. Try to find something more sophisticated, something that can attract readers. Use big words or interesting quote in the title to make it better, but the phrase must picture the plot wholly without leaving out the main point of the story.
Poster/Background: 5/10 the poster, text and background need a little more improvement. The color of the text is visible but a little flashy. White is not too suitable with blue because both of them are bright so try to use a contra color combination for example: black and white/ silver and black, black and blue. Because when both the background and the text are bright, it can hurt the readers’ eyes. Even though it’s not too severe but staring at it for a long time could be. The background is too plain. There’s not even a single design at the back. I think more of a complementation design could work to make the story appear stressed. The font in the poster is not suitable for the picture. It’s too bold and seems awkward too.
Forewords: 3/5 you lose 2 because…
1. It looks messy. By staking them without a border line looks really unorganized. Maybe you should try using border line such as: ----- etc to separate the summary from the author note and the detail you placed on top.
2. There’s a lot of mistakes in your summary, for example:
~ There are times when I'll be optimistic.. and there are times when I'll be pessimistic.
(Ellipsis (…) should only appear in a set of 3 and ‘and’ behind the ellipsis should be capital letter because it’s the start of the new sentence.)
~ Mostly, optimistic. Sometimes, I would think that... when I die, I'm lucky because I won't be suffering anymore... that was one of my optimistic sides... another is when... I would think that I would get to see my mom who is in heaven again... I really miss her, a lot, her warm and comfortable hugs, her angelic voice, her sweet scent... there are countless things in which I could describe her. (Same goes here. Whatever word behind ellipsis must be in capital letter and don’t chop your words with ellipsis too much. You could just simply join them or use another punctuation marks such comma or semi colon. For example: Sometimes, I would think that when I die, I'm lucky because I won't be suffering anymore; that was one of my optimistic sides. See, you don’t need ellipsis to separate them. Try to use variety of punctuation to make it more vary.)
Plot: 10/15 let me get this one out; Jun Hee become a temporary nurse to Changmin, later they fall in love and Changmin die after knowing that Jun Hee wants to become a doctor because of him. I think it’s rather common. The theme you use is too overused that you need an ultimate plot make-up to differentiate it from the others. Scene such Changmin met Jun Hee while he’s in subconscious state is good but not too realistic because it happen so quickly and the scene where Jun Hee met Changmin the first time in the hospital is funny, I actually find it adorable how both of them get along so well. The opening is good, but the ending is a bit spoiled, because of the rushing flow, lack of elaboration in a few scenes to make it stand out and the ending is predictable. Writing in Changmin’s point of view at the beginning is good because it bring the mood out; it is him who sick anyway, so the mood is there but the scene is off. You just need to repair how you develop the scene to make it interesting and how to add a few actions and twists to make it better.
Flow: 7/10 the flow of the story is quite fast from the beginning. The relationship between Changmin and Jun Hee develop so fast as in fairytale. I can’t imagine how a sick guy could possibly fall in love with his nurse in just a matter of days. If you say the relationship going for years, I have to say you didn’t develop the relationship properly. The time span between the opening and the ending is too fast, as if they just happen in a blink of an eye, so try to give more space for the time and flow to develop slowly. Don’t rush the plot and don’t force the ending to end faster because it will impair the whole time frame of the story. Elaboration is lacking during those fast forward periods of years and it makes the story still trap in the year they met. So as I said before, don’t haste, take a deep breathe and let the story flow in an acceptable speed.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/15 I’ve found a few mistakes, so let’s take a look at this…
1. “I am Kim Jun Hee, you are Shim Changmin, right?” she went towards my bed.
(After quotation mark, ‘she’ supposed to be in capital letter because it’s the start of a new sentence.)
2. I want fresh air and not the cold air coming from the aircon.
(Spelling mistake: aircon. It is supposed to be air-con.)
3. she informed me.
(She is a start of a new sentence, so capital letter should be correct.)
4. “Wow..”
(Ellipsis should only appear in a set of 3. Correction: “Wow…”)
5. she happily and excitedly exclaimed as she handed me down a white paper.
(Again, she supposed to be in capital letter. And ‘handed me down a white paper’ sounds wrong. You cannot hand someone down a white paper, down shouldn’t be in the sentence. You can either write as: She happily and excitedly exclaimed as she handed me a piece of white paper. OR: She happily and excitedly exclaimed as she handed me a white paper.)
6. I asked as I took it from her. She was looking at me with a big smile.
(Don’t chop your sentences; try to combine them if you can. Correction: I asked as I took it from her, and she was looking at me with a big smile.)
7. she pulled away as she sniffed. She wiped with her back hands, the tears that were coming from her eyes.
(Again, mind you capitalization and choppy sentences. Also, it seems that you didn’t arranger your words properly. It supposed to be: ‘she wiped what, with what’, not the other way around. Correction: she pulled away as she sniffed, and she wiped the tears that were coming from her eyes with her back hand.)
8. I covered my mouth as soon as my eyes felt like it’s moving in its own will… left to right, up and down, like it sees something that I cannot understand.
(You are using past tense in your story so don’t mixed it up unless if you need to. Correction: I covered my mouth as soon as my eyes felt like it was moving in its own will; left to right, up and down, like it saw something that I cannot understand.)
9. Seeing her in front of me… it means… we’re both dead. ???
(I wonder if you accidentally placed ‘???’ at the back or you purposely did it. But anyway, you shouldn’t put ‘???’ behind period. It’s supposed to be: we’re both dead???)
10. On why I was here already and why she was crying… all I know… was… I suffered from it again.
(Already is unneeded because ‘was’ already point that Changmin was there/already there, so by putting already in the sentence is repeating.)
11. I feel like my heart is starting to feel tired of beating… I felt like… my eyes wants to close permanently already…
(Correction: I felt like my heart is starting to feel tired of beating… I felt like… my eyes wanted to close permanently…)
12. Out of my Hands
(I know this is a lyric and you might just copy and paste but try to be careful next time because ‘hands’ should be in small letter.)
I realize that you have some problem with past tense, spelling, choppy sentences, capitalization, punctuation marks and clause. I advice you to use spell check if needed but try to revise your story again manually because the mistakes are not hard to find.
Characterization: 6/10 The characterization of Changmin is rather blurry. I can say that he’s sick, tired, talented, optimistic, but I kind of question his sense of relationship. You didn’t provide any sort of aspect that Changmin like in a girl except for cute or funny. Try to make it more detail, even though it is a one shot, because it will exclude Jun Hee from the rest of cute and funny girls in the world. I know there’s a lot. Jun Hee’s character is more or less the same as Changmin. She claimed that her dream of becoming a doctor because after her uncle told her about Changmin’s talent and how he would want to live like other healthy people. But don’t you think it is general? Doesn’t every sick person want to live healthily? See, the aspect that you bring onto these two important casts are too general and it could happen to almost anyone on earth, not just these two persons. So try to make it more detail, more description so we could exclude these two lovers from anyone else. It would make the story more interesting anyway.
Originality: 6/10 I don’t see much originality here because love theme is always overused and it depends on the writer to twist the theme and make it rare, but in your case, you stick to the old time ‘girl meet boy, boy is sick, they feel in love and the boy die’. These kind of story can be found practically anywhere and I’ve read it more than twice before. You didn’t vary the story so much, except from a different story line. Try to put more twist in here, or more drama, this kind of story could use more action too to make it more interesting. I know this is one shot and it supposed to get straight to the point but try to add a little twist scene that not too dragging but attractive. However, I like it when you make Jun Hee and Changmin fall in love (officially) after he faint because it at least give space between the opening to the climax, even though it could use more space. The time when Changmin saw Jun Hee while he faint, saying that to spend time together for the last moment is a bit common. People fall in love tend to get a dream about their lover before they come back to the state of consciousness. So try not to use that kind of scene unless you can twist it a bit to make it rare. There still much work to do here, but I think you can do it.
Writing style: 7/10 I’m not too fancy with your writing style because besides the spelling/grammar/spacing/proverb and such mistakes, your sentences are rather incomplete. You didn’t provide a complete predicate to support the subject, making the clauses of sentences hanging without acceptable nominative proverbs and nouns. You have to practice on building complete sentences because it will have a good elaboration to explain on the subject, suitable proverbs and good past/present tense (depends on which you use). This will enhance the liability of your flow and characteristic to develop itself. Also, you have a habit to chop paragraph when they actually can use more sentences. I know writing a long paragraph would be unneeded because we can extend the length of a chapter by chopping them up, but if a paragraph only left with one or two sentences, it wouldn’t be good.
Overall enjoyment: 6/10 I enjoy your story but too many mistakes kill the joy. There is a few times where I laugh and smile, your story is quite funny and I like the optimistic and sick Changmin. Lolz.
Overall score: 60/100
Thursday, 3 December 2009
The Teacher - Pretty Bitch
Title: The Teacher
Author: Pretty Bitch
Story Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/MakiloveJae/
Reviewer: Pararae
Site: http://lostshadows.co.nr/
Title: 2/5 I gave you 2 because…
1. You actually point directly to Maki because she’s a teacher and Yamapi because he’s one too. Both of them are important characters so it’s good to point directly to them.
2. Because it’s simple.
But you lose 3 because…
1. Well, I do agree that Yamapi and Maki is important character, but how about Jaejoong? Isn’t he important too? Try to find a title that point to all of the characters to make it even better. Even though, it won’t appear specific but it’s even better than to not touch the important character at all. The easiest way to write a title is to make a title that picture the plot of the story or the climax of the story line. Because it will stressed on those scene to make it more important.
2. It’s not interesting. It’s simple, yes, but too simple is bad too. If I ever to wonder around in Winglin in hunt for a good story, I would definitely miss yours because it’s not eye catchy enough to attract my attention. It’s not because of the size or shape or icon people love to put beside their title, but it’s about the words you place up there. It’s not attractive enough.
3. Every title can give out a mood to the story or can hint the readers about the genre and point of the story but in your case, I can’t feel anything. The Teacher is like plain with no mood and it doesn’t actually pictures the plot you come out with in this story.
Poster/Background: 5/10 I know it’s not your design because you actually request it from a site but, I have to be fair and acknowledge this category anyway. It’s not your fault but you lose 5 marks because…
1. The picture of the girl on top (Maki? I’m not sure because I’m not really familiar with the characters) doesn’t blend in too much. We can actually see that her picture and the picture behind her are glued together but don’t really match. The opacity of the picture is bad too.
2. The picture of the girl in silver dress almost eaten by the color white. It’s like she lost almost half of her head in that color.
3. Jaejoong’s picture looks weird in the poster. It did not arrange properly and his picture is like smashed between the big and the small picture.
4. The color of white in the poster looks simple with no additional design. It looks too simple as in empty.
5. The background’s color is almost close to grey or silver but it doesn’t match with the color of the poster. It’s like both of them are two different things come from two different pairs. It looks awkward.
Forewords: 2/5 you got 2 because…
1. You got the basic detail: genre, characters and summary.
2. It’s organized and clean because some people tend to scramble the content like one pile of bucket, making it appear messy. But you arrange them nicely and it’s easy to understand.
But you lose 3 marks because…
1. I’ve spotted choppy words in your summary. You shouldn’t shop your words when they can be combine into a sentence, for example: Yamapi is known as the 'hot teacher'. While Maki is known as the 'pretty and nice but fierce teacher'. Instead it could be written as: Yamapi is known as the 'hot teacher', while Maki is known as the 'pretty and nice but fierce teacher'. See, no period needed.
2. You miss one thing: credit to the designer in your forewords. Because when new readers wanted to read the story with a poster, they should wonder who made it. (Including myself) even though I can read it from the poster, you should actually take a courtesy to write it in your forewords. Crediting a designer in update is good but put it in the forewords too next time.
3. You extend the forewords to chapter 1 for characters’ description which I think unneeded because as the readers continue reading your story, they will pick up on the characterization themselves by the way you write them so there’s not need to point it all. After all, it will ruin the fun and surprises.
Plot: 11/15 you lose 4 from here because…
1. Your plot has less action but more flashback at the first 2-3 chapters. Not to say it’s good but you give out the surprise too soon. Shouldn’t Maki have some space to develop her relationship with her students especially Eun Mi first before all of the flashbacks happen? Her characterization lost even before the main point of the story are written, so as I say, don’t rush, but take a deep breath and let time frame develop first before spilling out the flashback.
2. Your plot is common with no additional interesting action or scene. You stick up to the main point too much that there’s no input of some action in it. If this is a one shot, then I would to understand but chaptered fic is different. You can put more action without making it too dragging.
3. The ending of the story is expected. Jaejoong and Maki get married and the heart-broken Yamapi will leave them because he’s so good to hurt Maki. There’s no surprise here.
(I deduct two marks from the first one because it gives a lot of effect to the story.)
Flow: 7/10 you lost 3 marks because the flow is too fast in a few scenes, for example:
1. When Eun Mi says she’s half Korean, half Japanese, Maki quickly say, “Wait! I’ll talk to you after this.” I know teachers love to rush stuff, trust me, I know a few teachers in my school like that but in this story, because of the lack of elaboration and explanation, the flow went off the usual speed, as if you are rushing in writing, not Maki.
2. When you make Maki talk to Eun Mi about how she move from Korea to Japan, lack of elaboration and feelings make it feel weird and fast. I mean, why would a teacher shows emotion, especially a painful one when she just met the student and it is at the start of the year. It’s not logic and teachers supposed to keep their professionalism in tack especially when she wants to help the student with class, like Eun Mi’s case.
3. There are a lot of scenes like this repeated in your story. So I have to deduct your mark for repetition. Try not to rush in writing and try to write an elaboration to a scene to give out efficient emotions or to extend the time span of the story. And please don’t write based on fairytale, what person in a right mind would introduce herself to the class as ‘not interested in relationship’ or show a sad emotion too quickly?
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 10/15 I found a few mistakes in your spelling and it is repeated throughout the story. I won’t point all of them because it is the same mistakes: past tense, spelling, period (.) and choppy sentences. I advice you to recheck your story again after you finish writing them and before you post them to avoid any careless mistake. Use spell check if you have to, but try manual because it works better that way. Anyway, let’s take a look at this.
1. "I can take you there and after that, I'll drop you home!". Yamapi keep suggesting.
(There is no need for period (.) to be added behind the quotation marks. And keeps supposed to be keeps (present tense) or kept (past tense) because Yamapi is one person so the next nominative predicate shouldn’t be in root word.)
2. Maki said. Yamapi then smiles with excitement.
(You chop words where they shouldn’t be. Correction: Maki said as Yamapi smiles with excitement. OR: Maki said and Yamapi then smiles with excitement. OR: Maki said, making Yamapi smiles with excitement. AND: ‘said’ is past tense and so the story should be in past tense, so ‘smiles’ supposed to be ‘smiled’.)
3. Yamapi asked naughtily. Maki's eyes widened.
(You chop your words again. Correction: Yamapi asked naughtily and Maki’s eyes widened. OR: Yamapi asked naughtily, making Maki’s eyes widened in disbelieve. You can actually add some proverb (disbelieve/shock/surprise) to make the sentence much better and longer.)
4. Maki is standing at the gate. Talking to herself.
(Please don’t chop your words. Correction: Maki was standing at the gate, talking to herself. This story is in past tense so ‘is’ supposed to be ‘was’. Watch out for your past tense.)
5. "Their good. But some girl students really can't help it but to adore me!"
(‘Their’ is wrong. You should say: They’re good, but some girl students really can’t help it but to adore me!” Because it’s a short form of ‘they are’.)
Characterization: 6/10 your characterization is ok but I won’t say great because you miss a few, so I have to deduct 4 marks because…
1. Jaejoong’s characterization is a bit dull. He looks like an ordinary sad looking, heart-broken, love missing guy. There’s nothing about his character that could make me leap in excitement, so try to polish him up.
2. Maki’s character is a bit confusing, maybe because human is confusing at the first place, but she’s a teacher but doesn’t act like one. By the way her intro herself, the way she acts in front of her students and the way she acts in the class, doesn’t picture her as a teacher at all. She loses that professionalism in her.
3. Yamapi’s character is a bit…isn’t solid. He need more space for his characterization to develop and you definitely forget to give some explanation about his character in a few scenes because she’s not fully developed.
4. You didn’t balance the characterization of all the characters up. Some of them are well developed like Maki, even though her personality is a little shaky, but I understand her more than I understand Yamapi or Jaejoong. While the least character I can catch is Yamapi. You should develop the character in a pace that they could give out a solid description of a realistic character (because this is not a fairytale like Disney story) to fit the plot, even though they’re missing in a few scene to give way for the other characters but try to balance them up in the next field.
Originality: 7/10 every story has it own originality and nor-so-original in them and same goes for you. You lose 3 marks because…
1. Love theme is just too overused.
2. Having a guy who love you and tease you while you have a little feeling for your ex is totally common.
3. Meeting you Ex back after a few years of painful break up is really cliché too. I can find them exactly anywhere so try to add little original or rare theme in the story to make it uncommon.
Writing style: 5/10 your writing style is good but there’s space for you to polish them up, for example:
1. Don’t chop your words because it will appear very immature. Try to find any punctuation marks (comma, semi-colon, colon, etc) to replace the usual period.
2. You like to use simple words instead of using a wide range of vocabulary. I can’t fine any single complicated or top words in your story. I know using them meaning less understanding from the readers are bad, but try to use them anyway, because it can enhance your writing skill, vocabulary and English general skill.
3. Your sentences are not well built. You barely complete the predicate to a subject but you already put a period on it and ended it just like that. The clauses of the sentences are not well developed and the subject’s elaborations are not good enough. You don’t use proverb to support the active subject and you didn’t combine words to form a complete sentence. Most of your sentences are incomplete and not well developed, so try not to chop them and try to revise their sentences again to avoid any unnecessary mistake.
4. I found more dialogue than elaboration. Do you know that elaboration can give a few spaces for the flow, characterization and even sentences to develop properly? You cannot expect to write dialogue and assume that the reader could understand it without a proper explanation. Elaboration is as much as important as dialogue and dialogue is as much as important as the plot. So try to balance them up to make a good story.
5. You like to separate a dialogue from the same person with double spacing. For example: "Okay, since this is the first day of school, our class lesson is 'Get To Know Me'." Yamapi said.
"Then, I'll go first. My name is Mr. Yamashita Tomohisa, for those who didn't know my name. I had been teaching here at Osaka Academy for 4 years. I'm 24 years old and I'm currently single." Yamapi stated.
You can actually just combine them in the same paragraph because if you place it like that, some people would have difficulty to understand because thought it was spoken by a different person. So don’t separate a paragraph unnecessarily
Overall enjoyment: 6/10 I like your story but there’s a few scenes that repel my attention, so try harder and practice more. Don’t rush to write and don’t forget to be careful with spelling and choppy sentences. You have the basic skill of writing; you just need to polish it up a little, so good luck and don’t give up.
Overall score: 62/100
Author: Pretty Bitch
Story Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/MakiloveJae/
Reviewer: Pararae
Site: http://lostshadows.co.nr/
Title: 2/5 I gave you 2 because…
1. You actually point directly to Maki because she’s a teacher and Yamapi because he’s one too. Both of them are important characters so it’s good to point directly to them.
2. Because it’s simple.
But you lose 3 because…
1. Well, I do agree that Yamapi and Maki is important character, but how about Jaejoong? Isn’t he important too? Try to find a title that point to all of the characters to make it even better. Even though, it won’t appear specific but it’s even better than to not touch the important character at all. The easiest way to write a title is to make a title that picture the plot of the story or the climax of the story line. Because it will stressed on those scene to make it more important.
2. It’s not interesting. It’s simple, yes, but too simple is bad too. If I ever to wonder around in Winglin in hunt for a good story, I would definitely miss yours because it’s not eye catchy enough to attract my attention. It’s not because of the size or shape or icon people love to put beside their title, but it’s about the words you place up there. It’s not attractive enough.
3. Every title can give out a mood to the story or can hint the readers about the genre and point of the story but in your case, I can’t feel anything. The Teacher is like plain with no mood and it doesn’t actually pictures the plot you come out with in this story.
Poster/Background: 5/10 I know it’s not your design because you actually request it from a site but, I have to be fair and acknowledge this category anyway. It’s not your fault but you lose 5 marks because…
1. The picture of the girl on top (Maki? I’m not sure because I’m not really familiar with the characters) doesn’t blend in too much. We can actually see that her picture and the picture behind her are glued together but don’t really match. The opacity of the picture is bad too.
2. The picture of the girl in silver dress almost eaten by the color white. It’s like she lost almost half of her head in that color.
3. Jaejoong’s picture looks weird in the poster. It did not arrange properly and his picture is like smashed between the big and the small picture.
4. The color of white in the poster looks simple with no additional design. It looks too simple as in empty.
5. The background’s color is almost close to grey or silver but it doesn’t match with the color of the poster. It’s like both of them are two different things come from two different pairs. It looks awkward.
Forewords: 2/5 you got 2 because…
1. You got the basic detail: genre, characters and summary.
2. It’s organized and clean because some people tend to scramble the content like one pile of bucket, making it appear messy. But you arrange them nicely and it’s easy to understand.
But you lose 3 marks because…
1. I’ve spotted choppy words in your summary. You shouldn’t shop your words when they can be combine into a sentence, for example: Yamapi is known as the 'hot teacher'. While Maki is known as the 'pretty and nice but fierce teacher'. Instead it could be written as: Yamapi is known as the 'hot teacher', while Maki is known as the 'pretty and nice but fierce teacher'. See, no period needed.
2. You miss one thing: credit to the designer in your forewords. Because when new readers wanted to read the story with a poster, they should wonder who made it. (Including myself) even though I can read it from the poster, you should actually take a courtesy to write it in your forewords. Crediting a designer in update is good but put it in the forewords too next time.
3. You extend the forewords to chapter 1 for characters’ description which I think unneeded because as the readers continue reading your story, they will pick up on the characterization themselves by the way you write them so there’s not need to point it all. After all, it will ruin the fun and surprises.
Plot: 11/15 you lose 4 from here because…
1. Your plot has less action but more flashback at the first 2-3 chapters. Not to say it’s good but you give out the surprise too soon. Shouldn’t Maki have some space to develop her relationship with her students especially Eun Mi first before all of the flashbacks happen? Her characterization lost even before the main point of the story are written, so as I say, don’t rush, but take a deep breath and let time frame develop first before spilling out the flashback.
2. Your plot is common with no additional interesting action or scene. You stick up to the main point too much that there’s no input of some action in it. If this is a one shot, then I would to understand but chaptered fic is different. You can put more action without making it too dragging.
3. The ending of the story is expected. Jaejoong and Maki get married and the heart-broken Yamapi will leave them because he’s so good to hurt Maki. There’s no surprise here.
(I deduct two marks from the first one because it gives a lot of effect to the story.)
Flow: 7/10 you lost 3 marks because the flow is too fast in a few scenes, for example:
1. When Eun Mi says she’s half Korean, half Japanese, Maki quickly say, “Wait! I’ll talk to you after this.” I know teachers love to rush stuff, trust me, I know a few teachers in my school like that but in this story, because of the lack of elaboration and explanation, the flow went off the usual speed, as if you are rushing in writing, not Maki.
2. When you make Maki talk to Eun Mi about how she move from Korea to Japan, lack of elaboration and feelings make it feel weird and fast. I mean, why would a teacher shows emotion, especially a painful one when she just met the student and it is at the start of the year. It’s not logic and teachers supposed to keep their professionalism in tack especially when she wants to help the student with class, like Eun Mi’s case.
3. There are a lot of scenes like this repeated in your story. So I have to deduct your mark for repetition. Try not to rush in writing and try to write an elaboration to a scene to give out efficient emotions or to extend the time span of the story. And please don’t write based on fairytale, what person in a right mind would introduce herself to the class as ‘not interested in relationship’ or show a sad emotion too quickly?
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 10/15 I found a few mistakes in your spelling and it is repeated throughout the story. I won’t point all of them because it is the same mistakes: past tense, spelling, period (.) and choppy sentences. I advice you to recheck your story again after you finish writing them and before you post them to avoid any careless mistake. Use spell check if you have to, but try manual because it works better that way. Anyway, let’s take a look at this.
1. "I can take you there and after that, I'll drop you home!". Yamapi keep suggesting.
(There is no need for period (.) to be added behind the quotation marks. And keeps supposed to be keeps (present tense) or kept (past tense) because Yamapi is one person so the next nominative predicate shouldn’t be in root word.)
2. Maki said. Yamapi then smiles with excitement.
(You chop words where they shouldn’t be. Correction: Maki said as Yamapi smiles with excitement. OR: Maki said and Yamapi then smiles with excitement. OR: Maki said, making Yamapi smiles with excitement. AND: ‘said’ is past tense and so the story should be in past tense, so ‘smiles’ supposed to be ‘smiled’.)
3. Yamapi asked naughtily. Maki's eyes widened.
(You chop your words again. Correction: Yamapi asked naughtily and Maki’s eyes widened. OR: Yamapi asked naughtily, making Maki’s eyes widened in disbelieve. You can actually add some proverb (disbelieve/shock/surprise) to make the sentence much better and longer.)
4. Maki is standing at the gate. Talking to herself.
(Please don’t chop your words. Correction: Maki was standing at the gate, talking to herself. This story is in past tense so ‘is’ supposed to be ‘was’. Watch out for your past tense.)
5. "Their good. But some girl students really can't help it but to adore me!"
(‘Their’ is wrong. You should say: They’re good, but some girl students really can’t help it but to adore me!” Because it’s a short form of ‘they are’.)
Characterization: 6/10 your characterization is ok but I won’t say great because you miss a few, so I have to deduct 4 marks because…
1. Jaejoong’s characterization is a bit dull. He looks like an ordinary sad looking, heart-broken, love missing guy. There’s nothing about his character that could make me leap in excitement, so try to polish him up.
2. Maki’s character is a bit confusing, maybe because human is confusing at the first place, but she’s a teacher but doesn’t act like one. By the way her intro herself, the way she acts in front of her students and the way she acts in the class, doesn’t picture her as a teacher at all. She loses that professionalism in her.
3. Yamapi’s character is a bit…isn’t solid. He need more space for his characterization to develop and you definitely forget to give some explanation about his character in a few scenes because she’s not fully developed.
4. You didn’t balance the characterization of all the characters up. Some of them are well developed like Maki, even though her personality is a little shaky, but I understand her more than I understand Yamapi or Jaejoong. While the least character I can catch is Yamapi. You should develop the character in a pace that they could give out a solid description of a realistic character (because this is not a fairytale like Disney story) to fit the plot, even though they’re missing in a few scene to give way for the other characters but try to balance them up in the next field.
Originality: 7/10 every story has it own originality and nor-so-original in them and same goes for you. You lose 3 marks because…
1. Love theme is just too overused.
2. Having a guy who love you and tease you while you have a little feeling for your ex is totally common.
3. Meeting you Ex back after a few years of painful break up is really cliché too. I can find them exactly anywhere so try to add little original or rare theme in the story to make it uncommon.
Writing style: 5/10 your writing style is good but there’s space for you to polish them up, for example:
1. Don’t chop your words because it will appear very immature. Try to find any punctuation marks (comma, semi-colon, colon, etc) to replace the usual period.
2. You like to use simple words instead of using a wide range of vocabulary. I can’t fine any single complicated or top words in your story. I know using them meaning less understanding from the readers are bad, but try to use them anyway, because it can enhance your writing skill, vocabulary and English general skill.
3. Your sentences are not well built. You barely complete the predicate to a subject but you already put a period on it and ended it just like that. The clauses of the sentences are not well developed and the subject’s elaborations are not good enough. You don’t use proverb to support the active subject and you didn’t combine words to form a complete sentence. Most of your sentences are incomplete and not well developed, so try not to chop them and try to revise their sentences again to avoid any unnecessary mistake.
4. I found more dialogue than elaboration. Do you know that elaboration can give a few spaces for the flow, characterization and even sentences to develop properly? You cannot expect to write dialogue and assume that the reader could understand it without a proper explanation. Elaboration is as much as important as dialogue and dialogue is as much as important as the plot. So try to balance them up to make a good story.
5. You like to separate a dialogue from the same person with double spacing. For example: "Okay, since this is the first day of school, our class lesson is 'Get To Know Me'." Yamapi said.
"Then, I'll go first. My name is Mr. Yamashita Tomohisa, for those who didn't know my name. I had been teaching here at Osaka Academy for 4 years. I'm 24 years old and I'm currently single." Yamapi stated.
You can actually just combine them in the same paragraph because if you place it like that, some people would have difficulty to understand because thought it was spoken by a different person. So don’t separate a paragraph unnecessarily
Overall enjoyment: 6/10 I like your story but there’s a few scenes that repel my attention, so try harder and practice more. Don’t rush to write and don’t forget to be careful with spelling and choppy sentences. You have the basic skill of writing; you just need to polish it up a little, so good luck and don’t give up.
Overall score: 62/100
Monday, 30 November 2009
Because i know - 'Niii
Title: Because I Know [one-shot]
Author: ‘Niii
Story Link: http://winglin.net/fanfic/_know/
Reviewer: Pararae
Site: http://lostshadows.co.nr/
Note: Seems that I always write a review in paragraph/continuous writing, I am experimenting with a new technique. Point form! Lolz. I thought it will be much easier to understand and very organized. Well, at least, that’s what I think. But I want to know your opinion on it, okay ‘Niii? Please~ if it’s bad, I’ll stick to the old one XD
Here goes…
Title: 4/5 I gave you 4 because…
1. Your title suits the story well. It is derived from the plot itself and clearly hints the readers that TaeMin knew what happen which no one else did. And even so, he believes and knows that she’s here for him.
2. It gives out a brilliant mood of angst. I could stare at the title, knowing it will be a sad story without looking at any other detail you provide. It’s really impressing to see the title that could do many tricks by just simple words.
3. Even though your title is simple and technically hanging because there’s no predicate to support the subject claimed, but it is more than acceptable. Instead of putting a long sentence up there but not doing well as title will be a waste anyway. The way you summarize the story with simple quote makes it more interesting.
4. And it could also drive a curiosity out of someone. The first time I saw the title, I wonder what he knew. And this makes me want to read it more. Wholly, I can say that this title is good, short but interesting.
But you lose 1 mark because I think by using big words as a title could do a better job. Try to find a phrase with complicated words yet compliment the story well and fit all of the description above. I think it will make it more interesting because, for example: If you walk around and saw Psychosis Attraction and Crazy Attraction on Winglin, which one would you prefer? They are mainly about the same thing but the words are different and these words could effect one’s opinion towards a story.
Poster/Background: 7/10 I like your poster, it’s really beautiful and I think it really boost the story. The color of brilliant black is very elegant and my favorite too. The title fonts are great and the supporting design is good too but you lose 3 marks because…
1. The color of small font below the title is very hard to see. It says who is the author and the designer but I can’t catch the name of the designer because it was almost eaten out by the white and I wouldn’t know whose the designer is until I read the forewords.
2. The quality of the pictures is quite low so try to use a high quality picture next time and I can still see the disturbing outline of the female cast. Even though it’s not too visible but I spotted it by second glance. That means the picture doesn’t blend in well enough to the poster.
3. And the background is too simple. By just putting the poster again at the background doesn’t fit the bill. It could use more and different design on the back to make it more beautiful.
Forewords: 5/5 I gave you 5 because…
1. It’s complete with all the basic details it need; summary, characters, disclaimer and genre. At first, I was about to deduct a mark for not having genre but after reading your author note, you just put it at a different place, that’s all. Even though you miss background or such, it is unneeded because it’s only a nominative detail.
2. No spelling mistakes, no capitalization mistakes and no grammar mistakes in the forewords.
3. Organized and clean with no messy detail or scramble sentences.
4. And like my EST teacher always say; short but sweet.
Plot: 13/15 I give you 13 because…
1. The plot is good and I like how the story starts with TaeMin’s disease because it makes the point stressed and look important. Since, this is a one-shot so it’s better if it gets straight to the point instead of going out of the topic too much.
2. The ending is great too, despite the slight off flow; I didn’t expect he will die at the end. I thought he will survive and continue his life with what’s left of him after JaeMin’s death. And that surprise is really good. It makes the story much better.
3. To tell you the truth, I almost cry at the end at how touching the story is but the disturbing ringing of my friend’s phone call kills the mood. It’s really refreshing to read a bittersweet story such this instead of the old time happy ending story.
But I deducted 2 marks from here because…
1. The plot is too short. I expect more because you barely developed the characterization and flow too, but it ended up too fast and you didn’t give enough space for them too.
2. There is no additional action. The story goes on like a normal guy that spends all his life to become a superstar while he’s actually sick and he lost his lover too. And at last, after a few years of sorrow, he dies. The twist is there but the action is not that much. It would be better if you put a little challenging scene to support the story and it will definitely give space for the character to develop and it will extend the flow of the story. So, it’s like killing 2 birds with one stone.
Flow: 9/10 the flow is good and balance. You didn’t go off the lane too much and stick to the plot throughout the story but you lose 1 mark because…
1. I can actually see when your flow started to move a little faster than usual. The ending. From when TaeMin collapse on the stage to the rest of SHINee found out about JaeMin’s death at the end moves a little faster than the normal speed. As I said before, give time for the ending to unfold itself and don’t rush in writing them because it will ruin the fun and spoil the time frame of the story.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 12/15 your grammar is good and in overall I can say you have a good English writing skill. But I can still spot a few mistakes here and there and even though it’s not too big but try not to take lightly of them because small things could become a much bigger mistake if you repeat it. Now, let’s see this one out…
1. Why. Why me.
(This is a question, yes? So every question needs to have question mark (?) behind it)
2. There was a way I could connect with her like I could no on else.
(You misspelled no on else. It is supposed to be no one else. Be careful with your typing.)
3. Past tense…
(You tend to repeat these mistakes throughout your story. At first, you use past tense then present then back to past tense again. I know you have flashback in your story but the mistake happen outside the flashback. So be careful next time.)
Characterization: 6/10 I’m aware that this is a one shot but you need to give space for each character to develop its role, especially the main character. You lost 4 because…
1. I was wondering what kind of character he will be. Sick, tired, sad. That’s all I could come out with. You should give more scenes that give him an opportunity to strengthen up his characteristic. Remember, this story is all about TaeMin, so his role is as much as important as the plot itself.
2. JaeMin. She’s caring, loving, a good listener, understanding, TaeMin’s fan and she died on a plane crash. But what more can I say about her? Her characteristic is too dreamy, no vivid image of a real girl. She’s like an angel with no impurities at all. But as I can see, her characteristic is much more complete than TaeMin.
3. You should really balance it up. The characteristic of a character play a significant role to the story because the plot moves around their life so. Every decision, attitude or habit of them influence the story line and makes it more interesting. Even though, this is a one shot but try to write more about them so the readers could understand more.
Originality: 9/10 I like your story, it’s really good. How creative you wrote it and how great the story goes. It’s like reading a 1st class drama and you definitely beat the 5 rated star of Romeo and Juliet story. You manipulate the theme of love in a way that is so rare and the way you write makes it even better. But you lose 1 mark because…
1. Love theme itself is overused and the story about someone’s lover dies in an accident is really common. But rather than putting it in car accident, you decided to use plane instead. The way you use the theme is very good and effective by those hard-to-die love fans but try to use a different theme for a change. Human can die in so many way but why accident? Because it’s the easiest way to die? Or it appears very tragic if she dies in a normal circumstance. Try to use poison or maybe she’s at a wrong place at a wrong time when there’s a robbery occurs, or maybe she die of overdosed. You can always say that she’s stress because of something and doesn’t want to tell TaeMin about it or some sort.
Writing style: 8/10 you never fail to impress me with your writing style but you lost 3 marks because…
1. You didn’t use big words. The ranges of vocabulary you use are narrow and not vary in type. Try to use rare words to make it better.
2. There are few scenes that you chop words where it shouldn’t be. You can combine them if you want and there’s no need to use period to separate them anyway. For example: Headache, I don't feel like moving. You can either type as: Headache and I don’t feel like moving or: Headache, I don’t feel like moving.
Overall enjoyment: 9/10 I enjoy your story, no need to point the reasons out because I think I just did in every thing I write about the story. Lolz. But don’t forget to watch out for spelling mistake because you can actually get full marks if you avoid the careless mistake.
Author: ‘Niii
Story Link: http://winglin.net/fanfic/_know/
Reviewer: Pararae
Site: http://lostshadows.co.nr/
Note: Seems that I always write a review in paragraph/continuous writing, I am experimenting with a new technique. Point form! Lolz. I thought it will be much easier to understand and very organized. Well, at least, that’s what I think. But I want to know your opinion on it, okay ‘Niii? Please~ if it’s bad, I’ll stick to the old one XD
Here goes…
Title: 4/5 I gave you 4 because…
1. Your title suits the story well. It is derived from the plot itself and clearly hints the readers that TaeMin knew what happen which no one else did. And even so, he believes and knows that she’s here for him.
2. It gives out a brilliant mood of angst. I could stare at the title, knowing it will be a sad story without looking at any other detail you provide. It’s really impressing to see the title that could do many tricks by just simple words.
3. Even though your title is simple and technically hanging because there’s no predicate to support the subject claimed, but it is more than acceptable. Instead of putting a long sentence up there but not doing well as title will be a waste anyway. The way you summarize the story with simple quote makes it more interesting.
4. And it could also drive a curiosity out of someone. The first time I saw the title, I wonder what he knew. And this makes me want to read it more. Wholly, I can say that this title is good, short but interesting.
But you lose 1 mark because I think by using big words as a title could do a better job. Try to find a phrase with complicated words yet compliment the story well and fit all of the description above. I think it will make it more interesting because, for example: If you walk around and saw Psychosis Attraction and Crazy Attraction on Winglin, which one would you prefer? They are mainly about the same thing but the words are different and these words could effect one’s opinion towards a story.
Poster/Background: 7/10 I like your poster, it’s really beautiful and I think it really boost the story. The color of brilliant black is very elegant and my favorite too. The title fonts are great and the supporting design is good too but you lose 3 marks because…
1. The color of small font below the title is very hard to see. It says who is the author and the designer but I can’t catch the name of the designer because it was almost eaten out by the white and I wouldn’t know whose the designer is until I read the forewords.
2. The quality of the pictures is quite low so try to use a high quality picture next time and I can still see the disturbing outline of the female cast. Even though it’s not too visible but I spotted it by second glance. That means the picture doesn’t blend in well enough to the poster.
3. And the background is too simple. By just putting the poster again at the background doesn’t fit the bill. It could use more and different design on the back to make it more beautiful.
Forewords: 5/5 I gave you 5 because…
1. It’s complete with all the basic details it need; summary, characters, disclaimer and genre. At first, I was about to deduct a mark for not having genre but after reading your author note, you just put it at a different place, that’s all. Even though you miss background or such, it is unneeded because it’s only a nominative detail.
2. No spelling mistakes, no capitalization mistakes and no grammar mistakes in the forewords.
3. Organized and clean with no messy detail or scramble sentences.
4. And like my EST teacher always say; short but sweet.
Plot: 13/15 I give you 13 because…
1. The plot is good and I like how the story starts with TaeMin’s disease because it makes the point stressed and look important. Since, this is a one-shot so it’s better if it gets straight to the point instead of going out of the topic too much.
2. The ending is great too, despite the slight off flow; I didn’t expect he will die at the end. I thought he will survive and continue his life with what’s left of him after JaeMin’s death. And that surprise is really good. It makes the story much better.
3. To tell you the truth, I almost cry at the end at how touching the story is but the disturbing ringing of my friend’s phone call kills the mood. It’s really refreshing to read a bittersweet story such this instead of the old time happy ending story.
But I deducted 2 marks from here because…
1. The plot is too short. I expect more because you barely developed the characterization and flow too, but it ended up too fast and you didn’t give enough space for them too.
2. There is no additional action. The story goes on like a normal guy that spends all his life to become a superstar while he’s actually sick and he lost his lover too. And at last, after a few years of sorrow, he dies. The twist is there but the action is not that much. It would be better if you put a little challenging scene to support the story and it will definitely give space for the character to develop and it will extend the flow of the story. So, it’s like killing 2 birds with one stone.
Flow: 9/10 the flow is good and balance. You didn’t go off the lane too much and stick to the plot throughout the story but you lose 1 mark because…
1. I can actually see when your flow started to move a little faster than usual. The ending. From when TaeMin collapse on the stage to the rest of SHINee found out about JaeMin’s death at the end moves a little faster than the normal speed. As I said before, give time for the ending to unfold itself and don’t rush in writing them because it will ruin the fun and spoil the time frame of the story.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 12/15 your grammar is good and in overall I can say you have a good English writing skill. But I can still spot a few mistakes here and there and even though it’s not too big but try not to take lightly of them because small things could become a much bigger mistake if you repeat it. Now, let’s see this one out…
1. Why. Why me.
(This is a question, yes? So every question needs to have question mark (?) behind it)
2. There was a way I could connect with her like I could no on else.
(You misspelled no on else. It is supposed to be no one else. Be careful with your typing.)
3. Past tense…
(You tend to repeat these mistakes throughout your story. At first, you use past tense then present then back to past tense again. I know you have flashback in your story but the mistake happen outside the flashback. So be careful next time.)
Characterization: 6/10 I’m aware that this is a one shot but you need to give space for each character to develop its role, especially the main character. You lost 4 because…
1. I was wondering what kind of character he will be. Sick, tired, sad. That’s all I could come out with. You should give more scenes that give him an opportunity to strengthen up his characteristic. Remember, this story is all about TaeMin, so his role is as much as important as the plot itself.
2. JaeMin. She’s caring, loving, a good listener, understanding, TaeMin’s fan and she died on a plane crash. But what more can I say about her? Her characteristic is too dreamy, no vivid image of a real girl. She’s like an angel with no impurities at all. But as I can see, her characteristic is much more complete than TaeMin.
3. You should really balance it up. The characteristic of a character play a significant role to the story because the plot moves around their life so. Every decision, attitude or habit of them influence the story line and makes it more interesting. Even though, this is a one shot but try to write more about them so the readers could understand more.
Originality: 9/10 I like your story, it’s really good. How creative you wrote it and how great the story goes. It’s like reading a 1st class drama and you definitely beat the 5 rated star of Romeo and Juliet story. You manipulate the theme of love in a way that is so rare and the way you write makes it even better. But you lose 1 mark because…
1. Love theme itself is overused and the story about someone’s lover dies in an accident is really common. But rather than putting it in car accident, you decided to use plane instead. The way you use the theme is very good and effective by those hard-to-die love fans but try to use a different theme for a change. Human can die in so many way but why accident? Because it’s the easiest way to die? Or it appears very tragic if she dies in a normal circumstance. Try to use poison or maybe she’s at a wrong place at a wrong time when there’s a robbery occurs, or maybe she die of overdosed. You can always say that she’s stress because of something and doesn’t want to tell TaeMin about it or some sort.
Writing style: 8/10 you never fail to impress me with your writing style but you lost 3 marks because…
1. You didn’t use big words. The ranges of vocabulary you use are narrow and not vary in type. Try to use rare words to make it better.
2. There are few scenes that you chop words where it shouldn’t be. You can combine them if you want and there’s no need to use period to separate them anyway. For example: Headache, I don't feel like moving. You can either type as: Headache and I don’t feel like moving or: Headache, I don’t feel like moving.
Overall enjoyment: 9/10 I enjoy your story, no need to point the reasons out because I think I just did in every thing I write about the story. Lolz. But don’t forget to watch out for spelling mistake because you can actually get full marks if you avoid the careless mistake.
Friday, 27 November 2009
Shattered Memories - 13nz
Title : Shattered Memories
Author : 13nz
URL : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/13nz/
Reviewed by : jyyms
Title: 4/5
Your title sounds really romantic to me. But I didn't give you full marks because it only concerned to four sixth of the story. Later, it wasn't about memories.
Poster/Background: 9/10
The poster and background are a great piece of art. But the mood was a bit too happy for the story. "Shattered" seems to be really sad but the poster was moody.
Forewords: 5/5
Your forewords was meaningful and straight to the point. It was also short and had great details about the story. Good job.
Plot: 13/15
The plot of your story is quite interesting. I liked it how both Jaejoong and Hyun Ji lost their memories. It gave the story a twist and made it more interesting. But I didn't like it that it was a bit short for me. :P
Flow: 10/10
The flow is perfect. I don't see where you went too fast or too slow. Thumbs up for this one.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 10/15
I'm sad to give you 5 marks off but there were a lot of grammatical errors. Your spelling and vocabulary were great but you had tenses mixed up. For example..
Instead of saying ,"They were already dating for a month without no one knows. " it should be "They were already dating for a month without anyone knowing."
Characterization: 9/10
Yunho, Jaejoong and Hyun Ji were nicely shaped characters. But I need to know more about Junsu and the rest. If you could just add in bit by bit of details for the others, it would be great!
Originality: 8/10
The idea of how a couple gets into an accident and lost their memory is REALLY common in fan fiction. So it is not quite original. BUT, like I told you, the fact that both of them lost their memories was a great twist. I also like the way Jaejoong and Hyun Ji acted towards each other. It is different from most stories I have read.
Writing style: 9/10
Your writing style is a bit childish but I find it very cute. I loved the way you wrote your chapters. It was easy to read and I had a warm feeling while reading it.
Overall enjoyment: 10/10
Aheheh. I am a BIG DBSK fan so I always enjoy reading their fan fictions. Even though my favorite isn't Jaejoong nor Junsu, I still enjoyed the story very much. I like reading romance fan fiction and yours was a good one. I like the plot and everything. Thank you for writing this story. I finished it at one go! I was that attached! :) :)
Overall score: 87/100
Great job! Loved it.
Author : 13nz
URL : http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/13nz/
Reviewed by : jyyms
Title: 4/5
Your title sounds really romantic to me. But I didn't give you full marks because it only concerned to four sixth of the story. Later, it wasn't about memories.
Poster/Background: 9/10
The poster and background are a great piece of art. But the mood was a bit too happy for the story. "Shattered" seems to be really sad but the poster was moody.
Forewords: 5/5
Your forewords was meaningful and straight to the point. It was also short and had great details about the story. Good job.
Plot: 13/15
The plot of your story is quite interesting. I liked it how both Jaejoong and Hyun Ji lost their memories. It gave the story a twist and made it more interesting. But I didn't like it that it was a bit short for me. :P
Flow: 10/10
The flow is perfect. I don't see where you went too fast or too slow. Thumbs up for this one.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 10/15
I'm sad to give you 5 marks off but there were a lot of grammatical errors. Your spelling and vocabulary were great but you had tenses mixed up. For example..
Instead of saying ,"They were already dating for a month without no one knows. " it should be "They were already dating for a month without anyone knowing."
Characterization: 9/10
Yunho, Jaejoong and Hyun Ji were nicely shaped characters. But I need to know more about Junsu and the rest. If you could just add in bit by bit of details for the others, it would be great!
Originality: 8/10
The idea of how a couple gets into an accident and lost their memory is REALLY common in fan fiction. So it is not quite original. BUT, like I told you, the fact that both of them lost their memories was a great twist. I also like the way Jaejoong and Hyun Ji acted towards each other. It is different from most stories I have read.
Writing style: 9/10
Your writing style is a bit childish but I find it very cute. I loved the way you wrote your chapters. It was easy to read and I had a warm feeling while reading it.
Overall enjoyment: 10/10
Aheheh. I am a BIG DBSK fan so I always enjoy reading their fan fictions. Even though my favorite isn't Jaejoong nor Junsu, I still enjoyed the story very much. I like reading romance fan fiction and yours was a good one. I like the plot and everything. Thank you for writing this story. I finished it at one go! I was that attached! :) :)
Overall score: 87/100
Great job! Loved it.
Wednesday, 25 November 2009
The Perfect You - tubbyGENx3
Story Title : The Perfect You
Author : tubbyGENx3
Story Link : http://winglin.net/fanfic/_bigBANGlovex3/
Reviewd by jyyms
Title: 5/5
Your title fits your story well, especially the second last chapter.
Poster/Background: 8/10
I didn't give you full marks because I think the mood of the story and the color didn't match very well. I think the color should be lighter, rather than being black since the story isn't that sad.
Forewords: 5/5
A perfect forewords, not too long and not short. The poem was interesting and a good start for the story. It tells the reader what the main character will be going through.
Plot: 13/15
The plot is very unique with an interesting love story, although I find it a bit weird that it was a Yoona and G-Dragon pairing, but that is just my opinion. I liked it how it was a simple love story but I suggest you elaborate more on the times Yoona and G-Dragon spent together. Because the relationship is a bit too sudden in my point of view. And the end is very beautiful, good job on that!
Flow: 9/10
The flow was right for most of the parts. There were just a few times where it was a bit confusing between what was happening in Seoul and the countryside G-Dragon was at.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 10/15
There were some spelling mistakes I noticed in your story. And I want to ask why you didn't put full stops at the end of your sentences in the first few chapters of the story. And I spotted several grammatical errors and here is an example.
Instead of this..
“Where’s your boyfriend gone?” I asked when I realised that he was gone
It should be..
"Where did your boyfriend go?"
Characterization: 8/10
G-Dragon is a very round character in this story. So is Yoona, but I feel that her personailty changes from time to time. Once, she is very shy and the next, she calls G-Dragon 'baby' and etc. Maybe it was how you wanted Yoona's character to be but I find it confusing on the connection between her actions and her personality.
Originality: 10/10
I would have to say that your story is very original although some of the ideas can be found in other stories. The events that happened throughout the story seems original and realistic so great job on that!
Writing style: 9/10
Your writing style was easy for me to read and not confusing for most of the time. Your writing is very poetic when it comes to the *speeches* Ji Young and Yoona gives to each other. They were very sweet but just a tiny bit cheesy.
Overall enjoyment: 6/10
I don't know if you remember me but I was one of your readers for "The Boy Whole Stole My Heart". My name was "JJ" and I finished your story in one day. It was a great one. But this, from the start, I didn't like the characters. I tried to be not biased and read this story. And I didn't like the way GD and Yoona were coupled. This is just my opinion for this story. :) I swear if it was one of DBSK, I would have enjoyed it with this kind of storyline much better.
Overall score: 83/100
Great Job dear! Hwaiting on your future stories.
Silent Heartbeat - 'Niii
Title: Silent Heartbeat [one-shot] –COMPLETED-
Author: ‘Niii
Story Link: http://winglin.net/fanfic/_silent/
Reviewer: Pararae
Site: http://lostshadows.co.nr/
Author: ‘Niii
Story Link: http://winglin.net/fanfic/_silent/
Reviewer: Pararae
Site: http://lostshadows.co.nr/
Title: 4/5 I like your title. It seems really interesting and I just can’t help myself to let it cut the queue and read it first. From the title, I can see that it’s a real angst and I expected a great story from a title. I guess I expected it right! There’s no capitalism problem and no spelling mistake up there too which make it look good. In overall, I can say that even if it was stacked together; title by title, like in Winglin’s case, the story is really eye-catching for those who crave for angst story and it would definitely hit the spot!
Poster/Background: 7/10 I like the poster, it’s soothing and simple. The blending is fine and the pictures arrangement is great too. I like how you centered the female and male casts’ pictures with no additional one, because sometimes, too much graphic in one poster could really be messy. The colorization is soft and splendid as the font of the title is simple yet presentable. But the font of the quote kind of off. I barely notice it the first time I look at the poster. After I finish reading the story, and look back at the poster several times, then I caught a glimpse of it. The font as if was bleached out by the back pictures so mind the opacity next time, okie.
Forewords: 4/5 the forewords are great, full with resourceful details and great summary. Just like your type of forewords, you start with a little tit bits of summary followed by the rest and end with a good author note. You never fail to impress me with your forewords writing skill and it really put the cherry on top of the vanilla ice cream to see a clean and organized intro. It’s good that you didn’t put characters’ info right under their names because it would definitely ruin the surprise and kill the curiosity of the readers. I can also spot that you miss genre and background in your forewords but don’t fidget because I think it’s unneeded. You briefly explain everything that needed to know and put out things you should keep for the last. Wholly, I think your forewords are splendid.
Plot: 13/15 I like the plot very much. The story starts when she got into an accident and goes on how she felt misfortune by losing her most treasured possession. The emotions plus actions that compliment the genre outdone itself and how you closely stick to the main point instead of dragging it, makes it less dragging and boring. You even let the readers deluded on the cliché theme as Key will fall in love with her too until the curtain call. The ending is quite eye-catchy as how simple her love could just end with no dramatic stunt. And the best part that’s really put me on a bucket of gold is when Key left her to teach his girlfriend how to play piano. At least, I know that his loyalty is attach.
Flow: 7/10 the story are quite fast. You tend to rush in finishing it. I guess because your teacher set up the limitation of words, but try to stabilize them. Give space for the ending to unfold itself perfectly and don’t waste too much space in the body and intro. Ending should be the best urging mechanism for the readers to release their breath and compliment the story, instead of rushing it to the end. So try to save an acceptable amount of space for them too. Balancing your story might be hard because not many can get a full mark but try to estimate and like my favorite unknown man said, practice makes perfect.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 13/15 I found a few mistakes here and there but mostly it is just an accidental error, but let’s take a look at this…
1) As her emotions rose, so did her notes, her playing; the piano’s sounds were not flooding the area, overflowing it with the beautiful music of the song.
(When you say not flooding the area, do you mean were now flooding the area? Because the word not seem off from the complementation phase of sentence. I’m not sure whether you purposely put it that way or you mistype it, but correct me if I’m wrong.)
(When you say not flooding the area, do you mean were now flooding the area? Because the word not seem off from the complementation phase of sentence. I’m not sure whether you purposely put it that way or you mistype it, but correct me if I’m wrong.)
2) Songyee wanted to shut her ears, close her eyes,m and just turn away from it all. Instead, she sat there, frozen in her position.
(You mistype one part of the sentence. It’s just a minor accident but try to recheck your story again to avoid the mistake. Such mistake could ruin the story sometimes.)
(You mistype one part of the sentence. It’s just a minor accident but try to recheck your story again to avoid the mistake. Such mistake could ruin the story sometimes.)
3) Something landed n the cover of the piano she rested her elbow upon,
(You misspelled ‘on’ in ‘landed on the cover’.)
(You misspelled ‘on’ in ‘landed on the cover’.)
As you can see, your mistake basically based on careless accident, so try to be careful next time and make sure you recheck the story again. You can either do it manually or spell check, but I rather prefer you to do it manually because it will enhance the proficiency of English spelling and grammatical rules. I personally think the story is great, so it really nice to see less mistakes, more result.
Characterization: 7/10 I can get the main character, she’s not too bubbly but likable, reserved yet open and very vulnerable. Her character is like old time weak girl who waits for her prince charming to come and live her up. But that’s what makes this story good, yes? Her lack of guts also made the ending possible so I guess, she deserved some credits. But Key, even though he’s a minor in this story but his characteristic is crucial. I bet that he’s caring, loving, understanding person, like any kind of worth-dying-for guy. But there’s a part of him that I want to know more. So more info on him should be of a help to make the story more realistic because if you claim they get closer well, I’m sure it’s only normal for her to know more about him, yes?
Characterization: 7/10 I can get the main character, she’s not too bubbly but likable, reserved yet open and very vulnerable. Her character is like old time weak girl who waits for her prince charming to come and live her up. But that’s what makes this story good, yes? Her lack of guts also made the ending possible so I guess, she deserved some credits. But Key, even though he’s a minor in this story but his characteristic is crucial. I bet that he’s caring, loving, understanding person, like any kind of worth-dying-for guy. But there’s a part of him that I want to know more. So more info on him should be of a help to make the story more realistic because if you claim they get closer well, I’m sure it’s only normal for her to know more about him, yes?
Originality: 8/10 Heartbreaking theme is kind of overused nowadays, but you managed to pay it off by making it a very interesting yet remarkable story. Most people love to end their story with happy ending and certain conclusion but the way you end the story with subtle, effective cliffhanger gives my imagination the chance to continue the story in my head. I cannot tell for certain whether Key did finally fall in love with her or not because you end it with no clue. But technically, such ending is the best!
Writing style: 8/10 your writing style is good and casual with no stressing words and awkward crack scene but you like to use small words. Not that I say it’s bad but isn’t it great to use it a little? With using complicated, rare words in sentences will enhance your ability to write at a creative and professional level. But if you think getting a dictionary and dig the words out is a trouble, try to manipulate the words to create good sentences. The building of complete sentences needs to have an input of correct clause with good amount of predicate to support the subject. And different writing style gives a different result. I simply can see that your writing style can easily polish to give out a good sentence.
Overall enjoyment: 8/10 I really enjoy your story and I love it more when it is as good as yours. The plot and story line really boost me out of my review-block mood. Just try to make less careless mistake and try to balance the story based on limitation because I can see that you can do better.
Overall score: 80/100
Saturday, 14 November 2009
The First and Last One by tubbyGENx3
Title: The First and Last One
Author: tubbyGENx3
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/2Shots1/
Reviewed by: hanichan32319 @ Lost Shadows
Title: 4/5
I understand that it was inspired by a song, but it’s not particularly eye-catching.
Poster/Background: 9/10
I really liked the poster, and the font color made for easy reading! I do think a sort of blue would have fit the story’s mood better: blue for melancholy…
Forewords: 5/5
Okay, I will admit: I literally started laughing at this point. For full explanation, I was the girl, ANDI!!!, that left you a comment. What I found so hilarious is explained in that comment. But other than that, the forewords were perfect. You described what was happening and who the characters were. Plus, you gave a background of their relationship, in a way. Excellent job!
Plot: 13/15
Someone contracting a disease, loved ones getting hearts broken…now where have I heard that before? Just about every drama out there. It’s either they held hands and she’s pregnant or she coughed and WHAM! She’s got cancer.
Flow: 10/10
Perfect-o! Nothing dragged. Everything flowed perfectly.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 13/15
You used excellent details, but there were a few grammar and punctuation mistakes. Clean your sentences up and watch for them darn commas!
Characterization: 8/10
Who was Naomi? Was she Mi Young’s sister, or was she her best friend? So confused!
Originality: 8/10
I did say there are a lot of stories with disease-ridden characters, but there aren’t a lot of ones that deal directly with having Alzheimer. That was a really creative touch.
Writing style: 9/10
Nothing wrong, but your sentence structures left me with, “???” There were times when you forgot the comma after dialogue, but I won’t dock you points for that. You had clear and precise writing. Good job!
Overall enjoyment: 9/10
You almost made me tear up! This was a very touching story! It really got me. I mean, I don’t know anyone with Alzheimer, but I do know a person who has a case of moderate amnesia. He can’t remember anything from before his…tenth birthday or something like that. He lives with it though, and this story totally reminded me of him. I loved reading this story!
Overall score: 88/100
** (Since you asked for it earlier) here is the link to my story, Love in Silence: www.winglin.net/fanfic/andilovesyou. That is one FREAKY coincidence. **
Author: tubbyGENx3
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/2Shots1/
Reviewed by: hanichan32319 @ Lost Shadows
Title: 4/5
I understand that it was inspired by a song, but it’s not particularly eye-catching.
Poster/Background: 9/10
I really liked the poster, and the font color made for easy reading! I do think a sort of blue would have fit the story’s mood better: blue for melancholy…
Forewords: 5/5
Okay, I will admit: I literally started laughing at this point. For full explanation, I was the girl, ANDI!!!, that left you a comment. What I found so hilarious is explained in that comment. But other than that, the forewords were perfect. You described what was happening and who the characters were. Plus, you gave a background of their relationship, in a way. Excellent job!
Plot: 13/15
Someone contracting a disease, loved ones getting hearts broken…now where have I heard that before? Just about every drama out there. It’s either they held hands and she’s pregnant or she coughed and WHAM! She’s got cancer.
Flow: 10/10
Perfect-o! Nothing dragged. Everything flowed perfectly.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 13/15
You used excellent details, but there were a few grammar and punctuation mistakes. Clean your sentences up and watch for them darn commas!
Characterization: 8/10
Who was Naomi? Was she Mi Young’s sister, or was she her best friend? So confused!
Originality: 8/10
I did say there are a lot of stories with disease-ridden characters, but there aren’t a lot of ones that deal directly with having Alzheimer. That was a really creative touch.
Writing style: 9/10
Nothing wrong, but your sentence structures left me with, “???” There were times when you forgot the comma after dialogue, but I won’t dock you points for that. You had clear and precise writing. Good job!
Overall enjoyment: 9/10
You almost made me tear up! This was a very touching story! It really got me. I mean, I don’t know anyone with Alzheimer, but I do know a person who has a case of moderate amnesia. He can’t remember anything from before his…tenth birthday or something like that. He lives with it though, and this story totally reminded me of him. I loved reading this story!
Overall score: 88/100
** (Since you asked for it earlier) here is the link to my story, Love in Silence: www.winglin.net/fanfic/andilovesyou. That is one FREAKY coincidence. **
Wednesday, 11 November 2009
A wonderful Childhood by morning_glory
Story Title: A wonderful Childhood
Story Author: morning_glory
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/morning_glory1/
Reviewer: Darkess
*My reviews are not meant to harm or discourage the author, but to help them fix their stories and do better in the future. The opinions expressed in this review are mine and mine alone, and are not meant to offend you*
Title: 3/5
It fits the story, but it isn't very... catchy unfortunately.
Poster/Background: 10/10
really cute! I love the brightness, and the amazing yellow. Also, the purple text was a perfect complementary contrast ^^
Forewords: /
Can't grade you on this since there... isn't really a forewords o.o
Plot: 8/15
Was super short and pretty straightforeward, but I thought that the little kid friendship turning into first love was really cute.
Flow: 10/10
It all seemed to happen in good time to me ^^
Spelling/Grammer/Vocabulary: 13/15
You have a lot of unnescessary commas in almost every sentence. Unless you're listing something or linking two sentences, you don't really need a comma. There are some exceptions, but you didn't really have too many in this story.
Characterization: 4/10
I love the character choices, but they lacked detail and you didn't really build into them that much. If they would have fallen off a cliff I don't think that any of the readers would have really cared that much. There needed to be more to their personalities.
Orginality: 6/10
What do the F and L stand for on the necklaces? First and Love? OH. (has now read the second part) but in the first part you said that they were F and L, and in the second you said L and R... which is it? either way, the other half of the necklace thing was really cute and romantic and all, but not that unique. I have seen the concept many times. Same with the meeting your old first love/ childhood friend again after many years.
Writing style: 7/10
You lack detail in many areas in your writing... besides the necklace there was relatively none. Though your writing style is easy to understand.
Overall enjoyment: 5/10
This was kind of boring to me. I didn't really see a point in it except to say that true love is forever. But besides that the whole story seemed like... idunno just seemed like a bedtime tale that no one really remembers because they're half asleep when they hear it, rather than a detailed and exciting story. I would have loved if there was more to the story, and more memorable scenes between the two.
Overall score: 63/90
Story Author: morning_glory
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/morning_glory1/
Reviewer: Darkess
*My reviews are not meant to harm or discourage the author, but to help them fix their stories and do better in the future. The opinions expressed in this review are mine and mine alone, and are not meant to offend you*
Title: 3/5
It fits the story, but it isn't very... catchy unfortunately.
Poster/Background: 10/10
really cute! I love the brightness, and the amazing yellow. Also, the purple text was a perfect complementary contrast ^^
Forewords: /
Can't grade you on this since there... isn't really a forewords o.o
Plot: 8/15
Was super short and pretty straightforeward, but I thought that the little kid friendship turning into first love was really cute.
Flow: 10/10
It all seemed to happen in good time to me ^^
Spelling/Grammer/Vocabulary: 13/15
You have a lot of unnescessary commas in almost every sentence. Unless you're listing something or linking two sentences, you don't really need a comma. There are some exceptions, but you didn't really have too many in this story.
Characterization: 4/10
I love the character choices, but they lacked detail and you didn't really build into them that much. If they would have fallen off a cliff I don't think that any of the readers would have really cared that much. There needed to be more to their personalities.
Orginality: 6/10
What do the F and L stand for on the necklaces? First and Love? OH. (has now read the second part) but in the first part you said that they were F and L, and in the second you said L and R... which is it? either way, the other half of the necklace thing was really cute and romantic and all, but not that unique. I have seen the concept many times. Same with the meeting your old first love/ childhood friend again after many years.
Writing style: 7/10
You lack detail in many areas in your writing... besides the necklace there was relatively none. Though your writing style is easy to understand.
Overall enjoyment: 5/10
This was kind of boring to me. I didn't really see a point in it except to say that true love is forever. But besides that the whole story seemed like... idunno just seemed like a bedtime tale that no one really remembers because they're half asleep when they hear it, rather than a detailed and exciting story. I would have loved if there was more to the story, and more memorable scenes between the two.
Overall score: 63/90
Tuesday, 10 November 2009
Reset by Susan Lee
Name: Susan Lee
Story Title : Reset
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/suxsan2/
Reviewer: changminXmc
Title: 4/5
* The title was a good choice, but in my opinion, it was too simple. I thought you could've added another word with it without just one word.
Poster/Background: 7/10
* The poster was beautiful, but it feels like its lacking something. Its lacking a feelings for me. But it was a really beautiful poster though. And the background was nice as well.
Forewords: 3/5
* I don't know....it didn't really catch my attention if I was a reader nor as a reviewer. But don't mind me, it was good. Just confusing cause I didn't some of what was happening at some sneak peeks.
Plot: 10/15
* The plot wasn't really new to me. I've seen this plot used around on winglin.
Flow: 9/10
* Your flow was good, there wasn't any rush here or there. A steady pace.
Spelling/Grammer/Vocabulary: 14/15
* You had little spelling errors, so it was no big deal. Besides that, you done great!
Characterization: 10/10
* Your casting was great! You listed who was in it, their age, name, and personality. It gives us information on who the casting are and how they are like. ^^
Orginality: 8/10
* It wasn't something new, but I did like that you didn't base it off any movies or other ideas, and changed the plot a bit. Its just that when you brought YooBin back into Suju's life, I've already read something like it so it wasn't so original anymore.
Writing style: 10/10
* Your writing style is really good! While reading it, I could understand it clearly. Keep up the good work!
Overall enjoyment: 6/10
* I did not enjoy reviewing this story or reading it. The story didn't catch my attention. It didn't make me wanting to go back and check for updates. I'm sorry if I sound harsh but I just didn't enjoy it. But you are a good writer, its just, Suju's story aren't much my type even though I like them. xD Hope you don't take it personally, and only to make you improve on your writings.
Overall score: 83/100
P.s.
Thats a pretty good score! Keep it up!
Story Title : Reset
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/suxsan2/
Reviewer: changminXmc
Title: 4/5
* The title was a good choice, but in my opinion, it was too simple. I thought you could've added another word with it without just one word.
Poster/Background: 7/10
* The poster was beautiful, but it feels like its lacking something. Its lacking a feelings for me. But it was a really beautiful poster though. And the background was nice as well.
Forewords: 3/5
* I don't know....it didn't really catch my attention if I was a reader nor as a reviewer. But don't mind me, it was good. Just confusing cause I didn't some of what was happening at some sneak peeks.
Plot: 10/15
* The plot wasn't really new to me. I've seen this plot used around on winglin.
Flow: 9/10
* Your flow was good, there wasn't any rush here or there. A steady pace.
Spelling/Grammer/Vocabulary: 14/15
* You had little spelling errors, so it was no big deal. Besides that, you done great!
Characterization: 10/10
* Your casting was great! You listed who was in it, their age, name, and personality. It gives us information on who the casting are and how they are like. ^^
Orginality: 8/10
* It wasn't something new, but I did like that you didn't base it off any movies or other ideas, and changed the plot a bit. Its just that when you brought YooBin back into Suju's life, I've already read something like it so it wasn't so original anymore.
Writing style: 10/10
* Your writing style is really good! While reading it, I could understand it clearly. Keep up the good work!
Overall enjoyment: 6/10
* I did not enjoy reviewing this story or reading it. The story didn't catch my attention. It didn't make me wanting to go back and check for updates. I'm sorry if I sound harsh but I just didn't enjoy it. But you are a good writer, its just, Suju's story aren't much my type even though I like them. xD Hope you don't take it personally, and only to make you improve on your writings.
Overall score: 83/100
P.s.
Thats a pretty good score! Keep it up!
Accidental Love by Jian You
Title: Accidental Love
Author: Jian You
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/chinyy/
Reviewed by: hanichan32319 @ Lost Shadows
Title: 3/5
It’s not particularly eye-catching, but it does stir some interest. I was kind of like, “How can love be accidental? Shouldn’t it be fate?” Yeah, I’m a dork. Leave me alone. ^^
Poster/Background: 7/10
Okay, the poster was awesome. Literally awesome. The background left me dizzy. It doesn’t even match the poster’s color schemes! It was the designer’s…fault? I don’t want to say that, but as an artist, she should have realized that those colors really just don’t work together. They clash horribly. So, it’s not your fault, but I still got to dock you.
Forewords: 5/5
It was structured the way forewords should be structured. Excellent, most excellent!
Plot: 14/15
Aww, a EunHae story! I don’t read too many of them because most are the same: they are in love, things go sour for a bit, but then they don’t, blah, blah, blah…for some reason, your story seemed different than the others. I liked how you portrayed Donghae’s conflict with his father. Maybe it was the alternate endings…and just so you know, you did make me tear up a little when Donghae died.
Complete 180: Your rated scene wasn’t as rated as I thought it was going to be. I was all pumped and all, “Yeah! Yaoi! Gotta get in the mood!” and then I read the scene, and this huge “Awwwww!” came out of my system.
Flow: 10/10
Great. Nothing wrong here. (Argh, my computer keeps wanting to put “Wong” instead of “wrong”!)
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 12/15
No one’s perfect with spelling, although I didn’t find too many mistakes in your story. What I didn’t see was a lot of attention to detail. Extend your vocabulary! Now I’m not saying to pick up a dictionary and read it, because that would be stupid and pointless. Who reads the dictionary for FUN? Just put in more vibrant imagery words instead of using the same ones over and over again.
Also, when you write rated scenes, NEVER use “cum.” Believe me. I’ve written many a love scene, and that word is a serious last resort. Why? A) it’s so childish and immature, and b) using it makes you seem like a newb. Use more mature words, such as “orgasm” or “climaxed” and the occasional “come” or “came.” The three-lettered word is used by amateurs, and sweetheart you are no amateur.
Characterization: 8/10
Eh, they weren’t really anything special, in my opinion.
Originality: 9/10
The shooting scene was definitely original. ^^ (Should I use a happy face after that?) I haven’t read its equivalent.
Writing style: 8/10
Not many people feel comfortable using present tense, but you pulled it off. I just didn’t like the switching of POVs. It didn’t confuse me; I just have this huge dislike for it. Other than that, you did a great job!
Overall enjoyment: 9/10
You made me cry. Feel special, because I hardly ever cry. I cried at some points in Chasing Taboo, I cried while reading the seventh Harry Potter book, and I cried during this story. It really touched me. You are an awesome writer, and if you ever need a review again for another of your stories, request at Lost Shadows! I’m out!
Overall score: 85/100
Author: Jian You
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/chinyy/
Reviewed by: hanichan32319 @ Lost Shadows
Title: 3/5
It’s not particularly eye-catching, but it does stir some interest. I was kind of like, “How can love be accidental? Shouldn’t it be fate?” Yeah, I’m a dork. Leave me alone. ^^
Poster/Background: 7/10
Okay, the poster was awesome. Literally awesome. The background left me dizzy. It doesn’t even match the poster’s color schemes! It was the designer’s…fault? I don’t want to say that, but as an artist, she should have realized that those colors really just don’t work together. They clash horribly. So, it’s not your fault, but I still got to dock you.
Forewords: 5/5
It was structured the way forewords should be structured. Excellent, most excellent!
Plot: 14/15
Aww, a EunHae story! I don’t read too many of them because most are the same: they are in love, things go sour for a bit, but then they don’t, blah, blah, blah…for some reason, your story seemed different than the others. I liked how you portrayed Donghae’s conflict with his father. Maybe it was the alternate endings…and just so you know, you did make me tear up a little when Donghae died.
Complete 180: Your rated scene wasn’t as rated as I thought it was going to be. I was all pumped and all, “Yeah! Yaoi! Gotta get in the mood!” and then I read the scene, and this huge “Awwwww!” came out of my system.
Flow: 10/10
Great. Nothing wrong here. (Argh, my computer keeps wanting to put “Wong” instead of “wrong”!)
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 12/15
No one’s perfect with spelling, although I didn’t find too many mistakes in your story. What I didn’t see was a lot of attention to detail. Extend your vocabulary! Now I’m not saying to pick up a dictionary and read it, because that would be stupid and pointless. Who reads the dictionary for FUN? Just put in more vibrant imagery words instead of using the same ones over and over again.
Also, when you write rated scenes, NEVER use “cum.” Believe me. I’ve written many a love scene, and that word is a serious last resort. Why? A) it’s so childish and immature, and b) using it makes you seem like a newb. Use more mature words, such as “orgasm” or “climaxed” and the occasional “come” or “came.” The three-lettered word is used by amateurs, and sweetheart you are no amateur.
Characterization: 8/10
Eh, they weren’t really anything special, in my opinion.
Originality: 9/10
The shooting scene was definitely original. ^^ (Should I use a happy face after that?) I haven’t read its equivalent.
Writing style: 8/10
Not many people feel comfortable using present tense, but you pulled it off. I just didn’t like the switching of POVs. It didn’t confuse me; I just have this huge dislike for it. Other than that, you did a great job!
Overall enjoyment: 9/10
You made me cry. Feel special, because I hardly ever cry. I cried at some points in Chasing Taboo, I cried while reading the seventh Harry Potter book, and I cried during this story. It really touched me. You are an awesome writer, and if you ever need a review again for another of your stories, request at Lost Shadows! I’m out!
Overall score: 85/100
Tuesday, 3 November 2009
Autumn Memories by Star-chan
Story Title: Autumn Memories
Story Author: Star-Chan
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/autumnmemories/
Reviewer: Darkess
*My reviews are not meant to harm or discourage the author, but to help them fix their stories and do better in the future. The opinions expressed in this review are mine and mine alone, and are not meant to offend you*
Title: 5/5
It fit the storyline perfectly, and I would have been able to pick it out on the winglin page. It's very unique ^^
Poster/Background: 10/10
Very cute ^^ I love how the poster kind of blends into the background, and the font against the BG isn't an eye sore ^^
Forewords: 5/5
Perfect ^^ A short teaser, a kind of title page, and the main character. very good *two thumbs up*
Plot: 12/15
SHE LIVED!!! That was an interesting twist that I haven't seen in a while. Especially because you made it sound like she was going to die. I love how she wrote a song for them and how he played it for his debut ^^ really romantic and cute. but the Beginning doesn't make sense with the rest of the story. You make it sound as if that's all they have left of the other... but she lived so... I don't really know how that ties in.
Flow: 7/10
This all seemed to happen in really good time, but I became a little confused when you went from "nothing would prepare me for what would happen the next day" to him wondering if she would remember him. Did she fall into a coma? You didn't really make that clear, so I'm just assuming. otherwise, good job with the flow ^^
Spelling/Grammer/Vocabulary: 13/15
It's smooth texture, shining black coat of paint. (forewards)
Its (also, this is a fragment of a sentence so it isn't complete. there isn't a subject >.<)
The first time I met you, was by the river, wasn't it?
You don't need a comma after you
Though bearing a burden, a burden that could never be released, you smiled; and it'd make up anyone's day.
improper use of a semicolon, you could either use just a comma, or you could take out the 'and' after the semicolon
Worried that I had came too late
Worried that I had come too late
I would only smile, thinking of you, and telling them that it was a gift
I would only smile, thinking of you, and tell them that it was a gift or I would only smile, thinking of you and telling them that it was a gift.
Characterization: 6/10
There could have been more here, to both their personalities and their appearance.
Orginality: 6/10
Eh cancer is not a unique catagory on winglin or in dramas. Actually I think it's the most used thing o.o But besides that, I think that the music thing was cute, but I've seen it before >.<
Writing style: 8/10
You have really descriptive writing which I loved, but I think that you could have put a little bit more into the characters and their personalities. It makes the story more sad in the long run, or more happy that she lived.
Overall enjoyment: 7/10
I did enjoy this story line, but I didn't really feel emotional afterwards. It was an excellently written story, but I wish there would have been more too it. Maybe a little bit longer, a few more details, building on the characters a little bit more...
Overall score: 79/100
Story Author: Star-Chan
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/autumnmemories/
Reviewer: Darkess
*My reviews are not meant to harm or discourage the author, but to help them fix their stories and do better in the future. The opinions expressed in this review are mine and mine alone, and are not meant to offend you*
Title: 5/5
It fit the storyline perfectly, and I would have been able to pick it out on the winglin page. It's very unique ^^
Poster/Background: 10/10
Very cute ^^ I love how the poster kind of blends into the background, and the font against the BG isn't an eye sore ^^
Forewords: 5/5
Perfect ^^ A short teaser, a kind of title page, and the main character. very good *two thumbs up*
Plot: 12/15
SHE LIVED!!! That was an interesting twist that I haven't seen in a while. Especially because you made it sound like she was going to die. I love how she wrote a song for them and how he played it for his debut ^^ really romantic and cute. but the Beginning doesn't make sense with the rest of the story. You make it sound as if that's all they have left of the other... but she lived so... I don't really know how that ties in.
Flow: 7/10
This all seemed to happen in really good time, but I became a little confused when you went from "nothing would prepare me for what would happen the next day" to him wondering if she would remember him. Did she fall into a coma? You didn't really make that clear, so I'm just assuming. otherwise, good job with the flow ^^
Spelling/Grammer/Vocabulary: 13/15
It's smooth texture, shining black coat of paint. (forewards)
Its (also, this is a fragment of a sentence so it isn't complete. there isn't a subject >.<)
The first time I met you, was by the river, wasn't it?
You don't need a comma after you
Though bearing a burden, a burden that could never be released, you smiled; and it'd make up anyone's day.
improper use of a semicolon, you could either use just a comma, or you could take out the 'and' after the semicolon
Worried that I had came too late
Worried that I had come too late
I would only smile, thinking of you, and telling them that it was a gift
I would only smile, thinking of you, and tell them that it was a gift or I would only smile, thinking of you and telling them that it was a gift.
Characterization: 6/10
There could have been more here, to both their personalities and their appearance.
Orginality: 6/10
Eh cancer is not a unique catagory on winglin or in dramas. Actually I think it's the most used thing o.o But besides that, I think that the music thing was cute, but I've seen it before >.<
Writing style: 8/10
You have really descriptive writing which I loved, but I think that you could have put a little bit more into the characters and their personalities. It makes the story more sad in the long run, or more happy that she lived.
Overall enjoyment: 7/10
I did enjoy this story line, but I didn't really feel emotional afterwards. It was an excellently written story, but I wish there would have been more too it. Maybe a little bit longer, a few more details, building on the characters a little bit more...
Overall score: 79/100
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