Author: ` hottest s h i n e e vip
Story Title : Painted Emotions [ Complete A.M Challenge )
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/mindeejaeeunO3/
Reviewer: DarkAngel | lostshadows.co.nr
Title: 5/5
-Since this is an entry for a challenge that already has a name, it would be unnecessary to deduct points.
Poster/Background: 10/10
-I love your poster. It reminds me of a movie poster. It gives off a mysterious feeling that goes along with the story. The text is easy to read and the background is nice.
Forewords: 5/5
-Your forewords made me want to read your story. The prologue was mysterious and interesting. That’s what I like. It also told us about the characters a little.
Plot: 13/15
-The plot is nice, though you could have done more to the characters after the car crash. Amnesia is common in stories, but it would be more interesting if you would have spiced things up more.
Flow: 8/10
-Everything except when she woke up after the crash was understandable. Shouldn’t she be in the hospital after the accident? Shouldn’t her father be more worried since she just woke up?
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 15/15
-I couldn’t find any spelling or grammar errors, so that’s good. It would have been better if you placed some bigger words.
Characterization: 9/10
-Your character is different from all of the others that I’ve read. Seo Sungye has an interesting personality. You really explained her personality a lot, so kudos for that. I didn’t catch many things about WonBin though.
Originality: 9/10
-Like I said, the amnesia is a bit common. The ending was NOT the way I expected it to be. It was amazing!
Writing style: 8/10
-Your style wasn’t messy or anything. It’s just I think you should make paragraphs instead of punching ‘enter’ after each sentence. Other than that, I have not problem.
Overall enjoyment: 8/10
-I liked it, but there wasn’t much romance. Also, I’ve read another entry for the story and it was a bit similar to this.
Overall score: 90/100
Here you go! ^^ I hope it helps you!
Sunday, 31 January 2010
My Doll Prince by WonderBinnie
Author: WonderBinnie
Title: My Doll Prince
Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/WonderBinnie2/
Reviewer: Rachi @ Lost Shadows
Title: 4/5 ~ I liked the title but I think it could have been a bit more creative. Yes, it does relate completely to the story but it’s a tiny bit bland.
Poster/Background: 10/10 ~ I liked the simplicity of the poster and background. I had no trouble reading the text so everything was fine here :] I also think the theme related a lot to your story and just added to the overall feel of the plot.
Forewords: 4/5 ~ There were some grammar and format issues in the forewords, I think that took quite a lot away from what you were actually trying to say. The foreword itself was very attention-grabbing and I liked how you added the “what happens when your childhood doll turns into a real human?” part, that was very classy; lose the “well read this story and you’ll see part” because that was very NOT original and sounds like you’re advertising.
Plot: 15/15 ~ I really, really liked your plot, I feel like it was all very interesting and exciting. It was very original and I loved the way you told it.
Flow: 8/10 ~ Some parts of the story could definitely been elaborated on a bit more because it would have made the story flow together nicer. Introducing JJ was one of these parts, I wish you’d transitioned a bit smoother when you talked about him turning into a doll or when he went back to his doll mansion…these parts seemed really abrupt and was like a “wait, what that just happened?” sort of thing, which is something you never want the readers to be thinking.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 9/15 ~ There were many grammar issues and these took away so much from the story and made it less enjoyable. “Umm…probably I just sleep.” was an example of a grammar issue, it should be “I’ll probably just sleep.” “How bout I took you out for dinner?” is another classic example of a verb tense used wrong, it should be “take.” I think you’ll find many similar errors throughout the story. Punctuation was left out a lot after a character says something. There should always be a period after someone says something, even if it’s in quotation marks.
Characterization: 8/10 ~ I feel like you could have definitely gone more in-depth about the characters and their personalities. One of the most important elements to a story is detail and personification; this helps the reader get a mental image of what the character might look like, or better yet, as if they know this character in person. I got a blurry sense of what the characters were like in your story because you did a lot of “telling” instead of “showing” and sometimes, not even that. I wish I could have known more about the character’s personalities from their actions or their tone.
Originality: 10/10 ~ My favorite thing about this story was how original it was. I’m sure there’s a story like this somewhere but your storyline and plot was just extremely unique and I was very entertained the whole time!
Writing style: 8/10 ~ Mainly, I hope you work on your paragraph formatting and spacing. There should be a double space between every line, even when there is dialogue because this makes the story cleaner and clearer. Also, after a character says something, you should always skip down 2 lines before talking about something else; this also contributes to clarity.
Overall enjoyment: 9/10 ~ Like I said, I loved your plot and storyline a lot, I just wish there were less grammatical issues and better format.
Overall score: 85/100
Title: My Doll Prince
Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/WonderBinnie2/
Reviewer: Rachi @ Lost Shadows
Title: 4/5 ~ I liked the title but I think it could have been a bit more creative. Yes, it does relate completely to the story but it’s a tiny bit bland.
Poster/Background: 10/10 ~ I liked the simplicity of the poster and background. I had no trouble reading the text so everything was fine here :] I also think the theme related a lot to your story and just added to the overall feel of the plot.
Forewords: 4/5 ~ There were some grammar and format issues in the forewords, I think that took quite a lot away from what you were actually trying to say. The foreword itself was very attention-grabbing and I liked how you added the “what happens when your childhood doll turns into a real human?” part, that was very classy; lose the “well read this story and you’ll see part” because that was very NOT original and sounds like you’re advertising.
Plot: 15/15 ~ I really, really liked your plot, I feel like it was all very interesting and exciting. It was very original and I loved the way you told it.
Flow: 8/10 ~ Some parts of the story could definitely been elaborated on a bit more because it would have made the story flow together nicer. Introducing JJ was one of these parts, I wish you’d transitioned a bit smoother when you talked about him turning into a doll or when he went back to his doll mansion…these parts seemed really abrupt and was like a “wait, what that just happened?” sort of thing, which is something you never want the readers to be thinking.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 9/15 ~ There were many grammar issues and these took away so much from the story and made it less enjoyable. “Umm…probably I just sleep.” was an example of a grammar issue, it should be “I’ll probably just sleep.” “How bout I took you out for dinner?” is another classic example of a verb tense used wrong, it should be “take.” I think you’ll find many similar errors throughout the story. Punctuation was left out a lot after a character says something. There should always be a period after someone says something, even if it’s in quotation marks.
Characterization: 8/10 ~ I feel like you could have definitely gone more in-depth about the characters and their personalities. One of the most important elements to a story is detail and personification; this helps the reader get a mental image of what the character might look like, or better yet, as if they know this character in person. I got a blurry sense of what the characters were like in your story because you did a lot of “telling” instead of “showing” and sometimes, not even that. I wish I could have known more about the character’s personalities from their actions or their tone.
Originality: 10/10 ~ My favorite thing about this story was how original it was. I’m sure there’s a story like this somewhere but your storyline and plot was just extremely unique and I was very entertained the whole time!
Writing style: 8/10 ~ Mainly, I hope you work on your paragraph formatting and spacing. There should be a double space between every line, even when there is dialogue because this makes the story cleaner and clearer. Also, after a character says something, you should always skip down 2 lines before talking about something else; this also contributes to clarity.
Overall enjoyment: 9/10 ~ Like I said, I loved your plot and storyline a lot, I just wish there were less grammatical issues and better format.
Overall score: 85/100
A Friend’s Confession by geesoo
Title: A Friend’s Confession
Author: geesoo
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/01GEE/
Reviewed by: jjwyl@lostshadows.co.nr
Title: 3/5
Your title seems to be really plain and straightforward. I would suggest having a title that has more of a meaning and is more meaningful and more complicated. That will make the readers feel interested and feel like they want to know what the story is about.
Poster/Background: 8/10
The overall appearance is great. Your poster looks fantastic and it really blends together well with the font color and background color. But in the poster, all the characters doesn’t seem to be too sad, especially Wooyoung, who should be the one with the depressed expression. In the story, he seems to be the one who gets hurt the most, so I think it would be reasonable to have a picture of him sad.
Forewords: 3.5/5
Your foreword looks great and sounds great. The length is quite appropriate. But the one thing I don’t really like is that it’s so repetitive. And also, it seems like the main characters falls in ‘love’ with so many boys at such a young age.
Plot: 12/15
The overall story was predictable. It was really easy to tell that Jisoo would end up with Wooyoung. But the ending was kind of weird. It was such a sudden end. I didn’t like how you didn’t write about Jay finding out about Jisoo and Wooyoung together. You could have added something about that just so the readers aren’t having a cliffhanger.
Flow: 9/10
The flow of the story was well done, but I thought the ending was just a bit rushed. It seemed like Jisoo wasn’t expecting anything at all. And Wooyoung’s confession was so sudden.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 14/15
I didn’t find any grammar or spelling mistakes in your story. You know when to use the right tenses. But I suggest you use a wider range of vocabulary. Make your story look like you know a lot of words.
Characterization: 8/10
I understood what type of person Jisoo and Wooyoung were. And I liked how you described the scene and the way they dress. But because you had the manager and the rest of 2PM in the story, I wasn’t clearly able to see their description. When adding new characters, have a bit of information on each of them.
Originality: 7/10
Even as the first event of their date, you picked a theme park. I found that to be really cliché and really commonly used in other stories and also in dramas. It was interesting to find them going to a theme park but having Jisoo not getting killed by the fangirls. The ending was predictable too.
Writing style: 9/10
I really like the writing style that you have. It’s simple and easy to read. Everything is so neat and organized. But the one thing I would recommend would probably to cut down the length of your paragraphs. I found that some of your paragraphs are really long. But that’s just me. I like paragraphs that have about five to six sentences.
Overall enjoyment: 8.5/10
I just didn’t like the ending. It felt like something was missing.
Overall score: 82/100
Author: geesoo
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/01GEE/
Reviewed by: jjwyl@lostshadows.co.nr
Title: 3/5
Your title seems to be really plain and straightforward. I would suggest having a title that has more of a meaning and is more meaningful and more complicated. That will make the readers feel interested and feel like they want to know what the story is about.
Poster/Background: 8/10
The overall appearance is great. Your poster looks fantastic and it really blends together well with the font color and background color. But in the poster, all the characters doesn’t seem to be too sad, especially Wooyoung, who should be the one with the depressed expression. In the story, he seems to be the one who gets hurt the most, so I think it would be reasonable to have a picture of him sad.
Forewords: 3.5/5
Your foreword looks great and sounds great. The length is quite appropriate. But the one thing I don’t really like is that it’s so repetitive. And also, it seems like the main characters falls in ‘love’ with so many boys at such a young age.
Plot: 12/15
The overall story was predictable. It was really easy to tell that Jisoo would end up with Wooyoung. But the ending was kind of weird. It was such a sudden end. I didn’t like how you didn’t write about Jay finding out about Jisoo and Wooyoung together. You could have added something about that just so the readers aren’t having a cliffhanger.
Flow: 9/10
The flow of the story was well done, but I thought the ending was just a bit rushed. It seemed like Jisoo wasn’t expecting anything at all. And Wooyoung’s confession was so sudden.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 14/15
I didn’t find any grammar or spelling mistakes in your story. You know when to use the right tenses. But I suggest you use a wider range of vocabulary. Make your story look like you know a lot of words.
Characterization: 8/10
I understood what type of person Jisoo and Wooyoung were. And I liked how you described the scene and the way they dress. But because you had the manager and the rest of 2PM in the story, I wasn’t clearly able to see their description. When adding new characters, have a bit of information on each of them.
Originality: 7/10
Even as the first event of their date, you picked a theme park. I found that to be really cliché and really commonly used in other stories and also in dramas. It was interesting to find them going to a theme park but having Jisoo not getting killed by the fangirls. The ending was predictable too.
Writing style: 9/10
I really like the writing style that you have. It’s simple and easy to read. Everything is so neat and organized. But the one thing I would recommend would probably to cut down the length of your paragraphs. I found that some of your paragraphs are really long. But that’s just me. I like paragraphs that have about five to six sentences.
Overall enjoyment: 8.5/10
I just didn’t like the ending. It felt like something was missing.
Overall score: 82/100
Monday, 25 January 2010
A Fangirl's Letter by geesoo
Fanfic Title: A Fangirl's Letter
Author: geesoo
Fanfic Url:http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/02GEE/
Reviewed by : Airah
Title: 5/5
I think that your title really fits the story because it really is about a fangirl's letter. But I don't think its very eye-catching.
Poster/Background: 9.5/10
I love the poster! I think what really got me is the quote. It sort of pulled me and I really want to know what she wrote. I see that your background is plain black but I still think its good. =)
Forewords: 5/5
Your forewords included everything. Though you could have introduced the characters, but since its a one-shot I wouldn't take away any points.
Plot: 15/15
I really like your plot. It has a certain something that other one-shots doesn't have.
Flow: 10/10
Perfectly paced. It wasn't slow nor fast.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 14.5/15
I just notice that you spelled plane wrong you put plan. Everything else looks fine.
Characterization: 10/10
You captured the characters personaility.
Orginality: 10/10
I can truthfully say that I have never read anything like this.
Writing style: 10/10
Doesn't look messy. Easy to understand and very clear.
Overall enjoyment: 10/10
Loved it~!! Thanks for an awesome story~!
Overall score: 99/100
*I knew from the beginning that I wouldn't give you a crappy score!*
Author: geesoo
Fanfic Url:http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/02GEE/
Reviewed by : Airah
Title: 5/5
I think that your title really fits the story because it really is about a fangirl's letter. But I don't think its very eye-catching.
Poster/Background: 9.5/10
I love the poster! I think what really got me is the quote. It sort of pulled me and I really want to know what she wrote. I see that your background is plain black but I still think its good. =)
Forewords: 5/5
Your forewords included everything. Though you could have introduced the characters, but since its a one-shot I wouldn't take away any points.
Plot: 15/15
I really like your plot. It has a certain something that other one-shots doesn't have.
Flow: 10/10
Perfectly paced. It wasn't slow nor fast.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 14.5/15
I just notice that you spelled plane wrong you put plan. Everything else looks fine.
Characterization: 10/10
You captured the characters personaility.
Orginality: 10/10
I can truthfully say that I have never read anything like this.
Writing style: 10/10
Doesn't look messy. Easy to understand and very clear.
Overall enjoyment: 10/10
Loved it~!! Thanks for an awesome story~!
Overall score: 99/100
*I knew from the beginning that I wouldn't give you a crappy score!*
Saturday, 23 January 2010
stop think..is it really love that we feel?? by kanhosa301
Fanfic Title: stop think..is it really love that we feel??
Author: kanhosa301
Fanfic Url: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/kanhosa301/
Reviewed by: Airah @ lostshadows.co.nr
Title: 2/5- First of all the title is too long. Its not even capitalized. Second, the title is not very eye catching. I notice that you shortened it to stop think.... I at least think that you should capitalize that to: Stop Think....
Poster/Background: 6/10- The poster isn't really eye catching but its alright. The background didn't interfere with the text so that's good.
Forewords: 4/5- I think that you were missing something in your foreword. But I do like the fact that you introduced the characters.
Plot: 11/15- I like your plot but some parts were pretty predictable.
Flow: 9/10- Wasn't really slow or fast. Keep it like that.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 12/15- I saw in your forewords that you apologize for wrong grammar. And I did see some. But I won't nag about that. But what I do want to nag about is the YOUR POV thing. When it says YOUR POV that means you have to use I, me, or myself.
Another thing is that you put a thought that the reader had on Jaejoong's POV. That shouldn't happen because there should be no way that a reader's thought would be there because Jae isn't inside her head.
Characterization: 9/10-You captured the characters personality but you could have put a name instead of _______.
Originality: 9/10- Very creative but not that original. Some parts, like I said are too predictable.
Writing style: 8/10- The paragraphs looks messy. You made it more messy by putting the links. Instead of putting the links maybe you could describe it or just put the links in the beginning or end of the chapter.
Overall enjoyment: 10/10- I think that I was a reader of your before because I remember the 'jacket' thingy. XD I was like oh yeah! I remember this!
Overall score: 71/100
Author: kanhosa301
Fanfic Url: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/kanhosa301/
Reviewed by: Airah @ lostshadows.co.nr
Title: 2/5- First of all the title is too long. Its not even capitalized. Second, the title is not very eye catching. I notice that you shortened it to stop think.... I at least think that you should capitalize that to: Stop Think....
Poster/Background: 6/10- The poster isn't really eye catching but its alright. The background didn't interfere with the text so that's good.
Forewords: 4/5- I think that you were missing something in your foreword. But I do like the fact that you introduced the characters.
Plot: 11/15- I like your plot but some parts were pretty predictable.
Flow: 9/10- Wasn't really slow or fast. Keep it like that.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 12/15- I saw in your forewords that you apologize for wrong grammar. And I did see some. But I won't nag about that. But what I do want to nag about is the YOUR POV thing. When it says YOUR POV that means you have to use I, me, or myself.
Another thing is that you put a thought that the reader had on Jaejoong's POV. That shouldn't happen because there should be no way that a reader's thought would be there because Jae isn't inside her head.
Characterization: 9/10-You captured the characters personality but you could have put a name instead of _______.
Originality: 9/10- Very creative but not that original. Some parts, like I said are too predictable.
Writing style: 8/10- The paragraphs looks messy. You made it more messy by putting the links. Instead of putting the links maybe you could describe it or just put the links in the beginning or end of the chapter.
Overall enjoyment: 10/10- I think that I was a reader of your before because I remember the 'jacket' thingy. XD I was like oh yeah! I remember this!
Overall score: 71/100
Monday, 18 January 2010
Wanderer by RAINxclouds
Author: RAINxclouds
Title: Wanderer
Link: http://winglin.net/fanfic/wanderer_/
Reviewer: Rachi @ Lost Shadows
Title: 5/5 ~ I liked it, nice and simple is the way to go for certain stories and you managed to pull it off for this one!
Poster/Background: 9/10 ~ I liked the background and poster themselves but I don’t see the connection between that and your story. I don’t think it encompassed the mood.
Forewords: 5/5 ~ Guess what? I think I’ve reviewed one of your stories before and I’m glad you decided to follow the advice of your reviewers (I love it when people do that!) and work on certain things :] Your foreword was so much better this time! I’m glad it was like an excerpt from the story itself but at the same time, was attention grabbing and could act as an introduction. I was kind of scared but it did make me excited to read on.
Plot: 14/15 ~ The plot itself was okay, I think this was more of a rant on your mother then an actual, legit story, huh? :] Because of that, I just couldn’t take it all that seriously haha. Half the time, I’m thinking “this girl’s got personality to manage to write a whole psycho-path horror on how much her mom annoys her.” But I enjoyed it, it was interesting and although it lacked detail and was rather short, it was nice (or should I say scary) to read.
Flow: 8/10 ~ I’m going to have to take some points off for this because there were some parts in the story that were kind of confusing and weren’t as smooth as they could have been, like the part about the 2 year old that her mom adopted, I really wanted more detail and was super confused (and still am) about what he did to her that she couldn’t attend the party. Also, when you mentioned her victims, I was ridiculously confused at what she had done to her mother and the kid (did she kill them?), what had happened between the boy and her (why did she even tell him it was her if she’s supposed to be dead?) and why she had staged her own death (just so she could go around and kill people?) I think that this is mainly because of a huge lack of detail but also because the transitions were kind of awkward.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 15/15 ~ Spelling was perfect and vocabulary was great; your choice of words fit the story so perfectly, I was amazed. The main problem with grammar was that there were some run-on sentences but those were used for emphasis on tone so I’m excusing that.
Characterization: 10/10 ~ I have to say that you characterized Kwon Yuri very, very well. You did a LOT of “showing” her personality in the form of her actions and thoughts instead of just straight-out telling the reader what she was about…I love that. I have no idea why you chose to use Kwon Yuri as the main character though, I don’t think anything about her had to do with story, I think it would’ve been better to just use a fictional character but that’s your choice and it didn’t affect the plot at all so it’s all good.
Orginality: 10/10 ~ Well, since I believe this story was thought up in a moment of emotion haha because you were pissed at your mom, it made it extremely unique and original. Sure, there are tons of psycho-path horror genres out there but this was unique simply because it was based off of what you felt at the time (I’m not saying you’re crazy or anything haha), which always makes the story a work of art.
Writing style: 10/10 ~ I’ve grown to like your writing style with every sentence that I read. It first bothered me how many run-on sentences there were as a result of your format but then I decided that it fit the mood of the story and has a good emphasis on tone.
Overall enjoyment: 10/10 ~ I enjoyed your story a lot :] I just wish there was more to it but I guess the shortness and simplicity of the story contributes to what makes it pretty darn great.
Overall score: 96/100
Title: Wanderer
Link: http://winglin.net/fanfic/wanderer_/
Reviewer: Rachi @ Lost Shadows
Title: 5/5 ~ I liked it, nice and simple is the way to go for certain stories and you managed to pull it off for this one!
Poster/Background: 9/10 ~ I liked the background and poster themselves but I don’t see the connection between that and your story. I don’t think it encompassed the mood.
Forewords: 5/5 ~ Guess what? I think I’ve reviewed one of your stories before and I’m glad you decided to follow the advice of your reviewers (I love it when people do that!) and work on certain things :] Your foreword was so much better this time! I’m glad it was like an excerpt from the story itself but at the same time, was attention grabbing and could act as an introduction. I was kind of scared but it did make me excited to read on.
Plot: 14/15 ~ The plot itself was okay, I think this was more of a rant on your mother then an actual, legit story, huh? :] Because of that, I just couldn’t take it all that seriously haha. Half the time, I’m thinking “this girl’s got personality to manage to write a whole psycho-path horror on how much her mom annoys her.” But I enjoyed it, it was interesting and although it lacked detail and was rather short, it was nice (or should I say scary) to read.
Flow: 8/10 ~ I’m going to have to take some points off for this because there were some parts in the story that were kind of confusing and weren’t as smooth as they could have been, like the part about the 2 year old that her mom adopted, I really wanted more detail and was super confused (and still am) about what he did to her that she couldn’t attend the party. Also, when you mentioned her victims, I was ridiculously confused at what she had done to her mother and the kid (did she kill them?), what had happened between the boy and her (why did she even tell him it was her if she’s supposed to be dead?) and why she had staged her own death (just so she could go around and kill people?) I think that this is mainly because of a huge lack of detail but also because the transitions were kind of awkward.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 15/15 ~ Spelling was perfect and vocabulary was great; your choice of words fit the story so perfectly, I was amazed. The main problem with grammar was that there were some run-on sentences but those were used for emphasis on tone so I’m excusing that.
Characterization: 10/10 ~ I have to say that you characterized Kwon Yuri very, very well. You did a LOT of “showing” her personality in the form of her actions and thoughts instead of just straight-out telling the reader what she was about…I love that. I have no idea why you chose to use Kwon Yuri as the main character though, I don’t think anything about her had to do with story, I think it would’ve been better to just use a fictional character but that’s your choice and it didn’t affect the plot at all so it’s all good.
Orginality: 10/10 ~ Well, since I believe this story was thought up in a moment of emotion haha because you were pissed at your mom, it made it extremely unique and original. Sure, there are tons of psycho-path horror genres out there but this was unique simply because it was based off of what you felt at the time (I’m not saying you’re crazy or anything haha), which always makes the story a work of art.
Writing style: 10/10 ~ I’ve grown to like your writing style with every sentence that I read. It first bothered me how many run-on sentences there were as a result of your format but then I decided that it fit the mood of the story and has a good emphasis on tone.
Overall enjoyment: 10/10 ~ I enjoyed your story a lot :] I just wish there was more to it but I guess the shortness and simplicity of the story contributes to what makes it pretty darn great.
Overall score: 96/100
What Are You? by Love_Joongie
Author: Love_Joongie
Title: What Are You?
Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/WhatAreYou/
Reviewer: Rachi @ Lost Shadows
Title: 4/5 ~ I feel like this story could’ve been just a tiny bit more creative but I like how it describes the story pretty well and fits it. Try for a uniqueness that’ll draw attention next time.
Poster/Background: 9/10 ~ I feel like it was a little dark whereas the story (for the most part) is pretty happy….except for the part where he leaves of course. The poster itself is pretty and Jae is gorgeous :] I just wished it encompassed the mood more.
Forewords: 3/5 ~ This was weird. What does “For someone who can sense unusual can be scared? For someone who can sense unusual can be excited? For someone who can sense unusual can be curious?” It’s either that there are some serious grammar issues here or I’m missing something.
Plot: 15/15 ~ I liked your plot a ton :] It had all the components of a good story: surprises, suspense, and some pretty darn cute moments in between :] The best thing about it was how I never got bored and wanted to read on to the end, I wish it could’ve been a bit longer, I hate cliffhangers!
Flow: 9/10 ~ The transitions were very abrupt at times. The parts where it transitions from her hearing Jae’s voice to when the incidents happen were kind of awkward. It had me wondering “wow, did she really just not think this was weird at all and just go along with it? I would’ve been kind of scared out of my mind.” I wish you had smoother transitions between each scene because they all blended together kind of fast.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 12/15 ~ The spelling for the most part was good, I didn’t catch any mistakes. The grammar was kind of off, the grammar tenses were not consistent (ex. “The presence is still there” should be the presence WAS still there & “Why are you calm” should be why WERE you calm), there was incorrect word choice (ex. “You lied on your bed” should be you LAID on your bed & “I’m going nuts, am I” should be I’m going nuts, AREN’T I & “You jumped a little from startle” should be you jumped a little, STARTLED) Run-on sentences were problematic as well. I liked your choice of words, it fit the story. Points were mainly deducted here for grammar.
Characterization: 7/10 ~ I feel like a LOT more detail could have been added here concerning the characters. Characterization helps the reader get a mental image of what the characters are supposed to look like, based on their personality. I couldn’t get an image at all. There was nothing dialogue-wise or else that revealed anything about the characters. It was mainly just that Jae was a ghost and “you” are some random girl that he apparently likes, you know what I mean? Characterization is one of the most important elements to a good story and without it, the story seems very bland and 2D.
Orginality: 10/10 ~ The element of a protective spirit is prevalent in many, many films, stories, novels, everything. However, the way you told it was what made it unique. I enjoyed the little twists, like how he actually died but was technically not dead and could return whenever he wanted to; this made the story a little more surprising and less cliché.
Writing style: 9/10 ~ I liked your style for the most part, the format of the story was pretty good, everything was clear and readable. One thing though, was the dialogues. After a character speaks in a story, you should space down and start a new paragraph; this is the formal format for all stories. You had the character talk, and then continued on to describe other things, then had someone else talk, all the in the same paragraph. This makes the story messy and confusing.
Overall enjoyment: 9/10 ~ I enjoyed your story very much for the plot. It’s one of those stories that although lack originality, is told in such a creative and unique way that makes it great. The only thing that bothered me was format and grammar. Work on those and it’ll be perfect!
Overall score: 87/100
Title: What Are You?
Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/WhatAreYou/
Reviewer: Rachi @ Lost Shadows
Title: 4/5 ~ I feel like this story could’ve been just a tiny bit more creative but I like how it describes the story pretty well and fits it. Try for a uniqueness that’ll draw attention next time.
Poster/Background: 9/10 ~ I feel like it was a little dark whereas the story (for the most part) is pretty happy….except for the part where he leaves of course. The poster itself is pretty and Jae is gorgeous :] I just wished it encompassed the mood more.
Forewords: 3/5 ~ This was weird. What does “For someone who can sense unusual can be scared? For someone who can sense unusual can be excited? For someone who can sense unusual can be curious?” It’s either that there are some serious grammar issues here or I’m missing something.
Plot: 15/15 ~ I liked your plot a ton :] It had all the components of a good story: surprises, suspense, and some pretty darn cute moments in between :] The best thing about it was how I never got bored and wanted to read on to the end, I wish it could’ve been a bit longer, I hate cliffhangers!
Flow: 9/10 ~ The transitions were very abrupt at times. The parts where it transitions from her hearing Jae’s voice to when the incidents happen were kind of awkward. It had me wondering “wow, did she really just not think this was weird at all and just go along with it? I would’ve been kind of scared out of my mind.” I wish you had smoother transitions between each scene because they all blended together kind of fast.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 12/15 ~ The spelling for the most part was good, I didn’t catch any mistakes. The grammar was kind of off, the grammar tenses were not consistent (ex. “The presence is still there” should be the presence WAS still there & “Why are you calm” should be why WERE you calm), there was incorrect word choice (ex. “You lied on your bed” should be you LAID on your bed & “I’m going nuts, am I” should be I’m going nuts, AREN’T I & “You jumped a little from startle” should be you jumped a little, STARTLED) Run-on sentences were problematic as well. I liked your choice of words, it fit the story. Points were mainly deducted here for grammar.
Characterization: 7/10 ~ I feel like a LOT more detail could have been added here concerning the characters. Characterization helps the reader get a mental image of what the characters are supposed to look like, based on their personality. I couldn’t get an image at all. There was nothing dialogue-wise or else that revealed anything about the characters. It was mainly just that Jae was a ghost and “you” are some random girl that he apparently likes, you know what I mean? Characterization is one of the most important elements to a good story and without it, the story seems very bland and 2D.
Orginality: 10/10 ~ The element of a protective spirit is prevalent in many, many films, stories, novels, everything. However, the way you told it was what made it unique. I enjoyed the little twists, like how he actually died but was technically not dead and could return whenever he wanted to; this made the story a little more surprising and less cliché.
Writing style: 9/10 ~ I liked your style for the most part, the format of the story was pretty good, everything was clear and readable. One thing though, was the dialogues. After a character speaks in a story, you should space down and start a new paragraph; this is the formal format for all stories. You had the character talk, and then continued on to describe other things, then had someone else talk, all the in the same paragraph. This makes the story messy and confusing.
Overall enjoyment: 9/10 ~ I enjoyed your story very much for the plot. It’s one of those stories that although lack originality, is told in such a creative and unique way that makes it great. The only thing that bothered me was format and grammar. Work on those and it’ll be perfect!
Overall score: 87/100
Saturday, 16 January 2010
It Was You by Ronix^^
Name: Ronix^^
Story Title : It Was You
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/Asian_Fanatic03
Reviewer: DarkAngel
Title: 3/5- The title is too common and not that eye-catching. I think it’s simple.
Poster/Background: 8/10- It fits the mood, but I think it could have been better. In my opinion, it looked unique, but had a little too much on it. If it looks like there’s too many things on it, it doesn’t look right.
Forewords: 5/5- Your forewords were nice. I really liked them. It was interesting to read, so kudos for that.
Plot: 12/15- I’ve seen these types of plots before. One of the main people get amnesia, forget everything, then gets lied to. But at first, I was confused. After the story progressed, I began to understand it more.
Flow: 8/10- The pace was choppy at some points. I wouldn’t call this a one-shot since those only have one or two chapters. I think of this more as a chapter story.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 11/15- I’ve seen grammatical errors like “your” instead of “you’re” and “seat” with “sit”. Also, there were a lot of errors considering capitalizing letters. As a writer, I understand that these things happen. This is why I recommend going back and checking what you’ve wrote just in case you accidentally made a mistake. I’m not saying you have too. It’s just that it looks more professional if it doesn’t have that many errors.
Characterization: 8/10- You told us about the characters and some details about them. It would be nicer if you wrote more about them.
Originality: 7/10- I’ve seen these types of stories before. You could have included a twist that would make the story more interesting. It would be more fun to read a story with a different plot from another.
Writing style: 7/10- I don’t really like when you indent after almost every sentence. It looks like it has a bunch of space. I would recommend more paragraphs- not those incredibly long ones though. I also don’t think it’s necessary to add a space after a sentence before the question mark/period/exclamation mark.
Overall enjoyment: 8/10- I’m not a big fan of Hebe, but this one is pretty good ^^
Overall score: 77/100
Story Title : It Was You
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/Asian_Fanatic03
Reviewer: DarkAngel
Title: 3/5- The title is too common and not that eye-catching. I think it’s simple.
Poster/Background: 8/10- It fits the mood, but I think it could have been better. In my opinion, it looked unique, but had a little too much on it. If it looks like there’s too many things on it, it doesn’t look right.
Forewords: 5/5- Your forewords were nice. I really liked them. It was interesting to read, so kudos for that.
Plot: 12/15- I’ve seen these types of plots before. One of the main people get amnesia, forget everything, then gets lied to. But at first, I was confused. After the story progressed, I began to understand it more.
Flow: 8/10- The pace was choppy at some points. I wouldn’t call this a one-shot since those only have one or two chapters. I think of this more as a chapter story.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 11/15- I’ve seen grammatical errors like “your” instead of “you’re” and “seat” with “sit”. Also, there were a lot of errors considering capitalizing letters. As a writer, I understand that these things happen. This is why I recommend going back and checking what you’ve wrote just in case you accidentally made a mistake. I’m not saying you have too. It’s just that it looks more professional if it doesn’t have that many errors.
Characterization: 8/10- You told us about the characters and some details about them. It would be nicer if you wrote more about them.
Originality: 7/10- I’ve seen these types of stories before. You could have included a twist that would make the story more interesting. It would be more fun to read a story with a different plot from another.
Writing style: 7/10- I don’t really like when you indent after almost every sentence. It looks like it has a bunch of space. I would recommend more paragraphs- not those incredibly long ones though. I also don’t think it’s necessary to add a space after a sentence before the question mark/period/exclamation mark.
Overall enjoyment: 8/10- I’m not a big fan of Hebe, but this one is pretty good ^^
Overall score: 77/100
Friday, 15 January 2010
18 Roses (Diary Entries) by raindrop_symphony
Author: raindrop_symphony
Title: 18 Roses (Diary Entries)
Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/18roses/
Reviewer: Rachi @ Lost Shadows
Title: 5/5~ Woah, girl I love this title! Right away, I know that you’re a hopeless romantic like me :] Loved it.
Poster/Background: 9/10 ~ I loved your background and how it made the text extremely clear and readable. I didn’t really feel your poster because it was plain. I wish it was more of a thing with Yoochun on it and Cherry, that would’ve been really nice. The poster makes up a lot of the first impression and I had no idea who was in this story until I got to around the bottom of the first chapter.
Forewords: 3/5 ~ Your forewords was too short and not that attention-grabbing. Your little message at the bottom was longer than your actual introduction and it could’ve been easily skipped over. I feel like I could’ve skipped this and it wouldn’t have made a difference. You want the foreword to invite the reader in and give a sneak-peek that’ll have the reader waiting in anticipation. This just wasn’t doing it.
Plot: 15/15 ~ I absolutely loved your plot. It was just so above everything else. I feel like this plot was super original. It just gave me this really happy feeling inside the whole time and it had all the elements a good story needs: surprises, conflict, and then at the end, a happy ending.
Flow: 9/10 ~ Since this was in the form of diary entries, I didn’t really expect smooth transitions. I wished you’d done a little more with connecting each of the scenes, like maybe having the characters reflect back on what just happened in the beginning of their diary entries so that the reader can get more of a sense of what’s going on. For the most part though, I kept up and didn’t get too lost.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 13/15 ~ So some of the spelling was weird (ex. hu-hu, okeeeeeeyy, he-he) but I’m not going to take too much away for that because I can tell that it’s the way you express tone in the story. That’s good but then at the same time, you don’t want to get too carried away with the smiley faces and spelling. The grammar was okay. Once again, the tone you wrote this story in affected the grammar too much. There were too many run-on sentences, which was the main problem. I liked your choice of vocabulary for the most part but next time, try for a bit more elaborate words; it would add more to your story.
Characterization: 9/10 ~ I liked how for both Cherry and Yoochun, you did a lot of “showing” instead of just “telling” and how their personalities showed through with their actions and dialogues. Keep that up and demonstrate it next time with more characters, not just the two main ones.
Orginality: 10/10 ~ I’m pretty sure I’ve seen this plot somewhere somehow but I really, really loved how you told it. That, for me, was the best part of the story and what made it so enjoyable. The way you were creative with it and had me going “awww” throughout the story was just great.
Writing style: 7/10 ~ Mainly, the format was kind of messy. I like medium-short paragraphs that are clear and readable. Big, long, half-page paragraphs with run-on sentences make me scream and feel slightly nauseated. If it weren’t for the good plot, I would’ve dropped this story and moved on just from the way it was formatted; I understand these are diary entries but that doesn’t mean there needs to be a lack of nice, readable format. I’ve mentioned that you need to be a bit more formal and professional in your writing. I like the way you use tone to express what goes on in your characters’ minds and how it reflects their personality but the whole weird words and smiley faces thing puts me off; a good author should be able to convey tone without all that crazy stuff.
Overall enjoyment: 9/10 ~ Plot and storyline great. Love the creativity and the dialogue. Try for better format and writing style
Overall score: 89/100
Title: 18 Roses (Diary Entries)
Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/18roses/
Reviewer: Rachi @ Lost Shadows
Title: 5/5~ Woah, girl I love this title! Right away, I know that you’re a hopeless romantic like me :] Loved it.
Poster/Background: 9/10 ~ I loved your background and how it made the text extremely clear and readable. I didn’t really feel your poster because it was plain. I wish it was more of a thing with Yoochun on it and Cherry, that would’ve been really nice. The poster makes up a lot of the first impression and I had no idea who was in this story until I got to around the bottom of the first chapter.
Forewords: 3/5 ~ Your forewords was too short and not that attention-grabbing. Your little message at the bottom was longer than your actual introduction and it could’ve been easily skipped over. I feel like I could’ve skipped this and it wouldn’t have made a difference. You want the foreword to invite the reader in and give a sneak-peek that’ll have the reader waiting in anticipation. This just wasn’t doing it.
Plot: 15/15 ~ I absolutely loved your plot. It was just so above everything else. I feel like this plot was super original. It just gave me this really happy feeling inside the whole time and it had all the elements a good story needs: surprises, conflict, and then at the end, a happy ending.
Flow: 9/10 ~ Since this was in the form of diary entries, I didn’t really expect smooth transitions. I wished you’d done a little more with connecting each of the scenes, like maybe having the characters reflect back on what just happened in the beginning of their diary entries so that the reader can get more of a sense of what’s going on. For the most part though, I kept up and didn’t get too lost.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 13/15 ~ So some of the spelling was weird (ex. hu-hu, okeeeeeeyy, he-he) but I’m not going to take too much away for that because I can tell that it’s the way you express tone in the story. That’s good but then at the same time, you don’t want to get too carried away with the smiley faces and spelling. The grammar was okay. Once again, the tone you wrote this story in affected the grammar too much. There were too many run-on sentences, which was the main problem. I liked your choice of vocabulary for the most part but next time, try for a bit more elaborate words; it would add more to your story.
Characterization: 9/10 ~ I liked how for both Cherry and Yoochun, you did a lot of “showing” instead of just “telling” and how their personalities showed through with their actions and dialogues. Keep that up and demonstrate it next time with more characters, not just the two main ones.
Orginality: 10/10 ~ I’m pretty sure I’ve seen this plot somewhere somehow but I really, really loved how you told it. That, for me, was the best part of the story and what made it so enjoyable. The way you were creative with it and had me going “awww” throughout the story was just great.
Writing style: 7/10 ~ Mainly, the format was kind of messy. I like medium-short paragraphs that are clear and readable. Big, long, half-page paragraphs with run-on sentences make me scream and feel slightly nauseated. If it weren’t for the good plot, I would’ve dropped this story and moved on just from the way it was formatted; I understand these are diary entries but that doesn’t mean there needs to be a lack of nice, readable format. I’ve mentioned that you need to be a bit more formal and professional in your writing. I like the way you use tone to express what goes on in your characters’ minds and how it reflects their personality but the whole weird words and smiley faces thing puts me off; a good author should be able to convey tone without all that crazy stuff.
Overall enjoyment: 9/10 ~ Plot and storyline great. Love the creativity and the dialogue. Try for better format and writing style
Overall score: 89/100
Monday, 11 January 2010
Pair Of Hands by brightside
Name: brightside
Story Title : Pair Of Hands
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/pairofhands/
Reviewer: Rachi | lostshadows.co.nr
Title: 5/5 ~While I think it could have been a bit more creative, this title did grab my attention simply because it was different and sounded interesting.
Poster/Background: 9/10 ~ I liked the way the colors matched in the poster and the background, I just wish that the characters could have been laid out in a more interesting way then just there. They didn’t seem to have any importance.
Forewords: 4/5 ~ I liked the way you asked questions because it makes the reader look wonder why and what’s going to happen. Next time, try to phrase them a little differently, like using the same tense throughout the whole thing (“Would it bother you if that particular dream is recurring, night by night? Dia was.” should be either “was recurring” or “recurred” And “Dia was”? What does that mean? Do you mean “it bothered Dia.”)
Plot: 15/15 ~ I think your plot was very movie-like, as in it feels like it could happen in real life, instead of just on the pages. I liked how extremely unique it was as well as creative and I was always really excited to find out what was going to happen next. I loved it!
Flow: 9/10 ~ For the most part, I understood what you were talking about and the transitions were smooth. I didn’t get lost really, but there were a few parts, like the arrival of her dad and brother, where I was wondering wait, who are they? For a really long time because that part wasn’t really clear.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 13/15 ~ There were some things wrong with grammar throughout the story, such as mentioned above in the forewords and also:
“She was holding those pair of hands, again. Calloused with long fingers and short flat nails. They are dirty cold hands. It was always dark that she couldn’t determine what kind of dirt are those.”
There are a few things wrong with that. The corrected version should be:
“She was holding that pair of hands again, they were calloused with long fingers and short flat nails. They were dirty, cold hands. It was always dark so she couldn’t determine what kind of dirt it was.”
Spelling for the most part, was correct and I liked your choice in vocabulary.
Characterization: 9/10 ~ You did a really great job characterizing some of the people, like Dia, Phillip, and her mom. You could’ve done more “showing” instead of “telling” for her dad, brother, and Tommy.
Orginality: 10/10 ~ I want to give you 20 out of 10 for this because your story is so unique! The element of recurring dreams have always been present in a lot of different stories but the way you told the story and the unexpected turns in it made the whole thing really enjoyable to read.
Writing style: 8/10 ~ Your paragraph format was very good and the layout was okay, I don’t understand what the (#) in the beginning of each “scene” was for though. Was it supposed to indicate that a new scene had begun? If so, you should’ve used smooth transitional sentences to indicate a change in scene instead of numbers…that was weird.
Overall enjoyment: 9/10 ~ I loved the plot, characters, and your writing style. Fix the grammatical errors and it will add so much more to the story!
Overall score: 91/100
Story Title : Pair Of Hands
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/pairofhands/
Reviewer: Rachi | lostshadows.co.nr
Title: 5/5 ~While I think it could have been a bit more creative, this title did grab my attention simply because it was different and sounded interesting.
Poster/Background: 9/10 ~ I liked the way the colors matched in the poster and the background, I just wish that the characters could have been laid out in a more interesting way then just there. They didn’t seem to have any importance.
Forewords: 4/5 ~ I liked the way you asked questions because it makes the reader look wonder why and what’s going to happen. Next time, try to phrase them a little differently, like using the same tense throughout the whole thing (“Would it bother you if that particular dream is recurring, night by night? Dia was.” should be either “was recurring” or “recurred” And “Dia was”? What does that mean? Do you mean “it bothered Dia.”)
Plot: 15/15 ~ I think your plot was very movie-like, as in it feels like it could happen in real life, instead of just on the pages. I liked how extremely unique it was as well as creative and I was always really excited to find out what was going to happen next. I loved it!
Flow: 9/10 ~ For the most part, I understood what you were talking about and the transitions were smooth. I didn’t get lost really, but there were a few parts, like the arrival of her dad and brother, where I was wondering wait, who are they? For a really long time because that part wasn’t really clear.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 13/15 ~ There were some things wrong with grammar throughout the story, such as mentioned above in the forewords and also:
“She was holding those pair of hands, again. Calloused with long fingers and short flat nails. They are dirty cold hands. It was always dark that she couldn’t determine what kind of dirt are those.”
There are a few things wrong with that. The corrected version should be:
“She was holding that pair of hands again, they were calloused with long fingers and short flat nails. They were dirty, cold hands. It was always dark so she couldn’t determine what kind of dirt it was.”
Spelling for the most part, was correct and I liked your choice in vocabulary.
Characterization: 9/10 ~ You did a really great job characterizing some of the people, like Dia, Phillip, and her mom. You could’ve done more “showing” instead of “telling” for her dad, brother, and Tommy.
Orginality: 10/10 ~ I want to give you 20 out of 10 for this because your story is so unique! The element of recurring dreams have always been present in a lot of different stories but the way you told the story and the unexpected turns in it made the whole thing really enjoyable to read.
Writing style: 8/10 ~ Your paragraph format was very good and the layout was okay, I don’t understand what the (#) in the beginning of each “scene” was for though. Was it supposed to indicate that a new scene had begun? If so, you should’ve used smooth transitional sentences to indicate a change in scene instead of numbers…that was weird.
Overall enjoyment: 9/10 ~ I loved the plot, characters, and your writing style. Fix the grammatical errors and it will add so much more to the story!
Overall score: 91/100
Pair Of Hands by brightside
Name: brightside
Story Title : Pair Of Hands
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/pairofhands/
Reviewer: Rachi | lostshadows.co.nr
Title: 5/5 ~While I think it could have been a bit more creative, this title did grab my attention simply because it was different and sounded interesting.
Poster/Background: 9/10 ~ I liked the way the colors matched in the poster and the background, I just wish that the characters could have been laid out in a more interesting way then just there. They didn’t seem to have any importance.
Forewords: 4/5 ~ I liked the way you asked questions because it makes the reader look wonder why and what’s going to happen. Next time, try to phrase them a little differently, like using the same tense throughout the whole thing (“Would it bother you if that particular dream is recurring, night by night? Dia was.” should be either “was recurring” or “recurred” And “Dia was”? What does that mean? Do you mean “it bothered Dia.”)
Plot: 15/15 ~ I think your plot was very movie-like, as in it feels like it could happen in real life, instead of just on the pages. I liked how extremely unique it was as well as creative and I was always really excited to find out what was going to happen next. I loved it!
Flow: 9/10 ~ For the most part, I understood what you were talking about and the transitions were smooth. I didn’t get lost really, but there were a few parts, like the arrival of her dad and brother, where I was wondering wait, who are they? For a really long time because that part wasn’t really clear.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 13/15 ~ There were some things wrong with grammar throughout the story, such as mentioned above in the forewords and also:
“She was holding those pair of hands, again. Calloused with long fingers and short flat nails. They are dirty cold hands. It was always dark that she couldn’t determine what kind of dirt are those.”
There are a few things wrong with that. The corrected version should be:
“She was holding that pair of hands again, they were calloused with long fingers and short flat nails. They were dirty, cold hands. It was always dark so she couldn’t determine what kind of dirt it was.”
Spelling for the most part, was correct and I liked your choice in vocabulary.
Characterization: 9/10 ~ You did a really great job characterizing some of the people, like Dia, Phillip, and her mom. You could’ve done more “showing” instead of “telling” for her dad, brother, and Tommy.
Orginality: 10/10 ~ I want to give you 20 out of 10 for this because your story is so unique! The element of recurring dreams have always been present in a lot of different stories but the way you told the story and the unexpected turns in it made the whole thing really enjoyable to read.
Writing style: 8/10 ~ Your paragraph format was very good and the layout was okay, I don’t understand what the (#) in the beginning of each “scene” was for though. Was it supposed to indicate that a new scene had begun? If so, you should’ve used smooth transitional sentences to indicate a change in scene instead of numbers…that was weird.
Overall enjoyment: 9/10 ~ I loved the plot, characters, and your writing style. Fix the grammatical errors and it will add so much more to the story!
Overall score: 91/100
Story Title : Pair Of Hands
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/pairofhands/
Reviewer: Rachi | lostshadows.co.nr
Title: 5/5 ~While I think it could have been a bit more creative, this title did grab my attention simply because it was different and sounded interesting.
Poster/Background: 9/10 ~ I liked the way the colors matched in the poster and the background, I just wish that the characters could have been laid out in a more interesting way then just there. They didn’t seem to have any importance.
Forewords: 4/5 ~ I liked the way you asked questions because it makes the reader look wonder why and what’s going to happen. Next time, try to phrase them a little differently, like using the same tense throughout the whole thing (“Would it bother you if that particular dream is recurring, night by night? Dia was.” should be either “was recurring” or “recurred” And “Dia was”? What does that mean? Do you mean “it bothered Dia.”)
Plot: 15/15 ~ I think your plot was very movie-like, as in it feels like it could happen in real life, instead of just on the pages. I liked how extremely unique it was as well as creative and I was always really excited to find out what was going to happen next. I loved it!
Flow: 9/10 ~ For the most part, I understood what you were talking about and the transitions were smooth. I didn’t get lost really, but there were a few parts, like the arrival of her dad and brother, where I was wondering wait, who are they? For a really long time because that part wasn’t really clear.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 13/15 ~ There were some things wrong with grammar throughout the story, such as mentioned above in the forewords and also:
“She was holding those pair of hands, again. Calloused with long fingers and short flat nails. They are dirty cold hands. It was always dark that she couldn’t determine what kind of dirt are those.”
There are a few things wrong with that. The corrected version should be:
“She was holding that pair of hands again, they were calloused with long fingers and short flat nails. They were dirty, cold hands. It was always dark so she couldn’t determine what kind of dirt it was.”
Spelling for the most part, was correct and I liked your choice in vocabulary.
Characterization: 9/10 ~ You did a really great job characterizing some of the people, like Dia, Phillip, and her mom. You could’ve done more “showing” instead of “telling” for her dad, brother, and Tommy.
Orginality: 10/10 ~ I want to give you 20 out of 10 for this because your story is so unique! The element of recurring dreams have always been present in a lot of different stories but the way you told the story and the unexpected turns in it made the whole thing really enjoyable to read.
Writing style: 8/10 ~ Your paragraph format was very good and the layout was okay, I don’t understand what the (#) in the beginning of each “scene” was for though. Was it supposed to indicate that a new scene had begun? If so, you should’ve used smooth transitional sentences to indicate a change in scene instead of numbers…that was weird.
Overall enjoyment: 9/10 ~ I loved the plot, characters, and your writing style. Fix the grammatical errors and it will add so much more to the story!
Overall score: 91/100
behind my wall by yunjaeforever
Title: behind my wall
Author: yunjaeforever
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/yunjaeforever/
Reviewed by: jjwyl@lostshadows.co.nr
Note: sorry if it took too long, and I hope you understand that this review is an honest work that is just trying to help you improve. I tried giving you as good as a mark I could. Sorry if you don’t like your mark.
Title: 2.5/5
The title seems really dull and plain and doesn’t really tell much about the story. It looks a bit messy because the words aren’t capitalized.
Poster/Background: 1/10
There is no background and no poster whatsoever. It really makes a story look boring and dull. If I were to click on this story and just by looking at the appearance, I would just go right into the next story and not read yours. Appearance is important.
Forewords: 2/5
Your foreword is very messy and not well organized. This would not grasp a reader’s attention. I found a lot of errors in your foreword already. The foreword is really important. It’s what makes the readers click on the NEXT button. If your foreword has nothing good, they simply won’t continue reading.
Plot: 7/15
I can’t really say much because it’s not finished and the chapters are so short. I can’t really tell what kind of storyline you’re trying to tell us.
Flow: 5/10
The beginning is definitely rushed. Don’t make their feelings towards each other appear so quickly. You have to slow it down and write how they’re expressing their feelings and such.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 3/15
There is a lot of mistakes. Even in just the foreword, there were tons of spelling mistakes, grammar mistakes, and there were random letters placed in a single word. You have to make sure you double check before posting your story. It starts to get irritating if the spelling mistakes keep on coming up. You don’t have commas or period’s in the right place, so the readers don’t know when a sentence ends and when another one starts.
Characterization: 3/10
I only know that they are all pretty much crazy guys. Haha… You should add more detail and description. For example, try to describe what they are wearing. If not, try to put some information on the foreword.
Originality: 6/10
Refer to PLOT.
Writing style: 3/10
Your sentences are so bunched up together, it seems like it’s making my eyes hurt. Whenever I scroll down the page, I tend to lose my place because everything is bunched together. Try to separate your sentences. If not, make them into paragraphs instead. Make sure you capitalize the beginning of a sentence!
Overall enjoyment: 1.5/10
Overall score: 34/100
Author: yunjaeforever
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/yunjaeforever/
Reviewed by: jjwyl@lostshadows.co.nr
Note: sorry if it took too long, and I hope you understand that this review is an honest work that is just trying to help you improve. I tried giving you as good as a mark I could. Sorry if you don’t like your mark.
Title: 2.5/5
The title seems really dull and plain and doesn’t really tell much about the story. It looks a bit messy because the words aren’t capitalized.
Poster/Background: 1/10
There is no background and no poster whatsoever. It really makes a story look boring and dull. If I were to click on this story and just by looking at the appearance, I would just go right into the next story and not read yours. Appearance is important.
Forewords: 2/5
Your foreword is very messy and not well organized. This would not grasp a reader’s attention. I found a lot of errors in your foreword already. The foreword is really important. It’s what makes the readers click on the NEXT button. If your foreword has nothing good, they simply won’t continue reading.
Plot: 7/15
I can’t really say much because it’s not finished and the chapters are so short. I can’t really tell what kind of storyline you’re trying to tell us.
Flow: 5/10
The beginning is definitely rushed. Don’t make their feelings towards each other appear so quickly. You have to slow it down and write how they’re expressing their feelings and such.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 3/15
There is a lot of mistakes. Even in just the foreword, there were tons of spelling mistakes, grammar mistakes, and there were random letters placed in a single word. You have to make sure you double check before posting your story. It starts to get irritating if the spelling mistakes keep on coming up. You don’t have commas or period’s in the right place, so the readers don’t know when a sentence ends and when another one starts.
Characterization: 3/10
I only know that they are all pretty much crazy guys. Haha… You should add more detail and description. For example, try to describe what they are wearing. If not, try to put some information on the foreword.
Originality: 6/10
Refer to PLOT.
Writing style: 3/10
Your sentences are so bunched up together, it seems like it’s making my eyes hurt. Whenever I scroll down the page, I tend to lose my place because everything is bunched together. Try to separate your sentences. If not, make them into paragraphs instead. Make sure you capitalize the beginning of a sentence!
Overall enjoyment: 1.5/10
Overall score: 34/100
Saturday, 9 January 2010
Sunset Under The Stars by jyyms
Fanfic Title: Sunset Under The Stars
Author: jyyms
Fanfic Url: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/jyyms6/
Reviewer: Airah @ lostshadows.co.nr
Title: 5/5
I think that the title is very unique because all of the titles I see are sometimes to common like Forbidden Love and etc. But this title really fits the story.
Poster/Background: 9/10
I like the poster but the background looked just a little plain. It doesn't really bother the eyes or anything.
Forewords: 5/5
I think that your forewords is really good because you told who the characters are. You didn't ruin the story by telling the plot, instead you wrote a sneak peek. I think that what you wrote will make people read it.
Plot: 15/15
I've read one-shots like this before but this is quite different from the others. I think that this is unique like your title. And I like how the plot really supports the title.
Flow: 10/10
It wasn't slow or fast. Perfectly paced.
Spelling/Grammer/Vocabulary: 15/15
I didn't see a mistake whatsoever.
Characterization: 10/10
I think that you captured their personality. That's why I didn't take any points off.
Originality: 10/10
I think that this is original because I haven't read a SuYin fanfic.
Writing style: 10/10
I like the way you write. Its clear and easy to understand.
Overall enjoyment: 10/10
I loved it.
Overall score: 99/100
*That has got to be one of the highest scores I've given out! Good Luck with your other fanfics!*
Author: jyyms
Fanfic Url: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/jyyms6/
Reviewer: Airah @ lostshadows.co.nr
Title: 5/5
I think that the title is very unique because all of the titles I see are sometimes to common like Forbidden Love and etc. But this title really fits the story.
Poster/Background: 9/10
I like the poster but the background looked just a little plain. It doesn't really bother the eyes or anything.
Forewords: 5/5
I think that your forewords is really good because you told who the characters are. You didn't ruin the story by telling the plot, instead you wrote a sneak peek. I think that what you wrote will make people read it.
Plot: 15/15
I've read one-shots like this before but this is quite different from the others. I think that this is unique like your title. And I like how the plot really supports the title.
Flow: 10/10
It wasn't slow or fast. Perfectly paced.
Spelling/Grammer/Vocabulary: 15/15
I didn't see a mistake whatsoever.
Characterization: 10/10
I think that you captured their personality. That's why I didn't take any points off.
Originality: 10/10
I think that this is original because I haven't read a SuYin fanfic.
Writing style: 10/10
I like the way you write. Its clear and easy to understand.
Overall enjoyment: 10/10
I loved it.
Overall score: 99/100
*That has got to be one of the highest scores I've given out! Good Luck with your other fanfics!*
Meant To Be... by BigBangLoverr
Name: BigBangLoverr
Story Title : Meant To Be...
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/iheartbigbang02/
Reviewer: jyyms | lostshadows.co.nr
Title: 4/5
The title is suitable for the story up till the current chapters. But I think there needs to a good ending that fits 'Meant To Be..?', right on the spot. Like, TOP and ---ah are finally together.
Poster/Background: 9/10
The poster is cute. I like the little captions on the bottom. The background also suits the story but I wonder what the two cards are for.
Forewords: 5/5
Your forewords was quite good. I like the way you listed the characters. Most readers firstly look at the characters and then continue reading. So it is good that you stated them out.
Plot: 12/15
Your plot is cute. But nooooooo!!!! Yunho died!! He's like one of my favorites!! And I love DBSK. I think your chapters flow along with one another pretty well. I almost cried on the part where the girl cried because dance classes reminded her of Yunho. Awww....that was really sad. And I like it how not all of the Bigbang memebers are in love with the girl. And how TOP is caring for her, despite his playboy personality. But somehow I feel that the plot is a bit simple for a story that's entitled, 'Meant to Be?...'. I would like it if there were more drama and spice.
Flow: 10/10
I like the flow of your story. It is not too fast and not too slow. It is quite steady. I love love love the flow.
Spelling/Grammer/Vocabulary: 13/15
I saw some typos but they are not much of a deal. Your grammar is pretty good but I would like it if you used more challenging vocabulary.
Characterization: 9/10
The characters are pretty well described. Even though Yunho appeared in only one chapter, just one chapter, I can clearly imagine how he is like, due to your precise descriptions on how he treats her and the way he acts. And your other characters were well described too. Good job.
Orginality: 8/10
I wouldn't say the story is all original because of the fact that in many stories, playboys usually turn good after meeting the 'good' girl. But I would say it is quite good because she didn't really get everything she wanted. There were the twists and turns. For example, Yunho died. Whereareas, in most stories, the main girl usually ends up with the first guy her heart beats for.
Writing style: 9/10
I like your writing style. It is straight forward, simple and easy to read. I love the way she hurts over Yunho.
Overall enjoyment: 10/10
To be honest, I don't like reading Bigbang narrated stories. And guess what? Yours is the first ever story I enjoyed reading with Bigbang characters. And you put in DBSK bit by bit so i loved it. Great great job. I never liked TOP, no offense but the way you wrote the story made him sound pretty likable. :P Thanks for the story. :)
Please don't take my review as an offensive one. I'm just trying to help. :)
Overall score: 89/100
Story Title : Meant To Be...
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/iheartbigbang02/
Reviewer: jyyms | lostshadows.co.nr
Title: 4/5
The title is suitable for the story up till the current chapters. But I think there needs to a good ending that fits 'Meant To Be..?', right on the spot. Like, TOP and ---ah are finally together.
Poster/Background: 9/10
The poster is cute. I like the little captions on the bottom. The background also suits the story but I wonder what the two cards are for.
Forewords: 5/5
Your forewords was quite good. I like the way you listed the characters. Most readers firstly look at the characters and then continue reading. So it is good that you stated them out.
Plot: 12/15
Your plot is cute. But nooooooo!!!! Yunho died!! He's like one of my favorites!! And I love DBSK. I think your chapters flow along with one another pretty well. I almost cried on the part where the girl cried because dance classes reminded her of Yunho. Awww....that was really sad. And I like it how not all of the Bigbang memebers are in love with the girl. And how TOP is caring for her, despite his playboy personality. But somehow I feel that the plot is a bit simple for a story that's entitled, 'Meant to Be?...'. I would like it if there were more drama and spice.
Flow: 10/10
I like the flow of your story. It is not too fast and not too slow. It is quite steady. I love love love the flow.
Spelling/Grammer/Vocabulary: 13/15
I saw some typos but they are not much of a deal. Your grammar is pretty good but I would like it if you used more challenging vocabulary.
Characterization: 9/10
The characters are pretty well described. Even though Yunho appeared in only one chapter, just one chapter, I can clearly imagine how he is like, due to your precise descriptions on how he treats her and the way he acts. And your other characters were well described too. Good job.
Orginality: 8/10
I wouldn't say the story is all original because of the fact that in many stories, playboys usually turn good after meeting the 'good' girl. But I would say it is quite good because she didn't really get everything she wanted. There were the twists and turns. For example, Yunho died. Whereareas, in most stories, the main girl usually ends up with the first guy her heart beats for.
Writing style: 9/10
I like your writing style. It is straight forward, simple and easy to read. I love the way she hurts over Yunho.
Overall enjoyment: 10/10
To be honest, I don't like reading Bigbang narrated stories. And guess what? Yours is the first ever story I enjoyed reading with Bigbang characters. And you put in DBSK bit by bit so i loved it. Great great job. I never liked TOP, no offense but the way you wrote the story made him sound pretty likable. :P Thanks for the story. :)
Please don't take my review as an offensive one. I'm just trying to help. :)
Overall score: 89/100
Monday, 4 January 2010
From Zero To Hero by Vi3tjcn
Title: From Zero To Hero
Author: Vi3tjcn
Url:http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/Vi3tjcn3/
Reviewed by: Airah/myangelteuk@lostshadows.co.nr
Title: 2/5- Not a very eye catching title.
Poster/Background: 5/10- I like the poster but the background is pretty plain.
Forewords: 0/5- You didn't put anything that would help the reader except read and find out. I don't think by doing that can get you any readers.
Plot: 13/15- I think that your plot is good even though its pretty obvious.
Flow: 10/10- It wasn't fast or slow.
Spelling/Grammer/Vocabulary: 14/15- I just found some minor mistakes so I only took off 1 point.
Characterization: 10/10- I got to know that Jaejoong is a nerd and that Boa is a popular because you put that.
Originality: 10/10- I haven't read anything like this. I think its very original.
Writing style: 10/10- Its good.
Overall enjoyment: 10/10-It was good but I thought it was a whole story because you didn't put one-shot in the title.
Overall score: 84/100
*The score is not that bad you know! Keep on writing!*
Author: Vi3tjcn
Url:http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/Vi3tjcn3/
Reviewed by: Airah/myangelteuk@lostshadows.co.nr
Title: 2/5- Not a very eye catching title.
Poster/Background: 5/10- I like the poster but the background is pretty plain.
Forewords: 0/5- You didn't put anything that would help the reader except read and find out. I don't think by doing that can get you any readers.
Plot: 13/15- I think that your plot is good even though its pretty obvious.
Flow: 10/10- It wasn't fast or slow.
Spelling/Grammer/Vocabulary: 14/15- I just found some minor mistakes so I only took off 1 point.
Characterization: 10/10- I got to know that Jaejoong is a nerd and that Boa is a popular because you put that.
Originality: 10/10- I haven't read anything like this. I think its very original.
Writing style: 10/10- Its good.
Overall enjoyment: 10/10-It was good but I thought it was a whole story because you didn't put one-shot in the title.
Overall score: 84/100
*The score is not that bad you know! Keep on writing!*
A Night In Tokyo (R) - FrenchSha
Title: A Night In Tokyo (R)
Author: FrenchSha
Story Link: http://fcollections.wordpress.com/about/
Reviewer: ShadowYin
Site: http://lostshadows.co.nr/
This review is not meant to be offensive, but contains purely my personal opinions on how I think the fanfic can be improved. I too, can be wrong, so please don’t take this review to heart.
Title: 2/5 – It’s simple, related.
Poster/Background: 5/10 – Could’ve been better.
Forewords: 3/5
It started off well, and then it got destroyed by the masses of dialogue.
I’d say probably max of 5 dialogue in forwards if you want to give a type of preview, cause in the end, it confuses the reader, and it gets a little boring.
Plot: 9/15 – My opinion is that this it's like a remake of Meteor Garden. You’re basically retelling the story but adding a bit more depth between Lei and Jing’s relationship.
Flow: 8/10 – it was good, loved the descriptive parts, however some parts just weren’t quite there because you lacked description in some areas, which interrupted with the flows. However overall it was pretty good.
Some of the sentence structures could’ve been improved which would’ve gotten you a higher mark in this area.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 12/15:
[In your forewords]
You wrote:
But what if the woman you wanted and the woman you needed were two different person?
Edit:
But what if the woman you wanted, and the woman you needed were two different PEOPLE?
You wrote:
“Do I look like drunk?”
Edit:
“Do I look drunk?”
You could argue that the awkward sentences was there because she was drunk, however you did not back that up explaining that.
[Actual one shot]
Lots of mixing tenses.
You wrote:
Mr. Yamamoto was impressed. You can see it in his eyes. He seems…
- Here you changed from the past tense to the present. If you wanted it in the past tense it would’ve been:
Mr. Yamamoto was impressed. You COULD see it in his eyes. He SEEMED...
Please look at this sentence:
He seems to be a quiet and fragile boy but he showed a different side of him when he delivered his presentation earlier.
Edited:
He seemed to be a quiet and fragile boy, but he showed a different side of him when he delivered his presentation earlier.
Overall (sorry I didn't want to make this review too long)
- Lack of punctuation.
- Grammar errors.
- Writing errors.
- Repetition of ‘ands’ quite often. It is really hard, but try use other connectives. Use of ‘ands’ were effective here: He tries again, and again, and again. (good work!)
- Awkward sentences.
- Some parts you showed great vocabulary, whereas in other areas you could’ve elaborated using other words.
Characterization: 10/10 – in a way realistic, very descriptive. Quite believable.
Originality: 5/10 - once again, it’s like you’re retelling the story. I can’t see much originality or creativity involved until at the end. The whole story was quite cliché in a way.
Writing style: 8/10
Techniques you used which made your writing more enjoyable. Good job!
-alliteration
-personification
-onomatopoeia
-varied sentences; however some sentences I thought you could’ve elaborated which would’ve helped the flow of the story.
- Rhetorical questions
-similes
-metaphors
-rule of three
Overall enjoyment: 5/10
Honestly I did not really enjoy that. It was a little too long for a one-shot. A lot of it I felt weren’t needed in a piece of short writing to create an impact.
I keep finding ‘and’ a lot which didn’t really help. It’s one of those hard targets which I set people, but when you’re reading it, it gets so repetitive reading ‘and’ everywhere.
A lot of grammar errors, which spoiled the fanfic, even though you have great vocabulary. Some of your descriptions were great, but you need to maintain that. You need to grab the reader’s interested in the first sentence, and not letting it go until the very end.
Your lack of punctuation makes it so difficult to read. If you read it out loud, you’d realise it’s hard to say it all in one breathe without pausing.
At the end, a lot of description were added, however your style of writing only improved ¾ down the page, and it really shows me that some parts of the story you can’t be bothered to elaborate. What I do admire about this fic, is the descriptions which you use. You used lovely techniques which create imagery.
In my perspective, one-shots are writings which creates an impact, and the story didn't have much an impact on me until the end.
Overall score: 67/100
Author: FrenchSha
Story Link: http://fcollections.wordpress.com/about/
Reviewer: ShadowYin
Site: http://lostshadows.co.nr/
This review is not meant to be offensive, but contains purely my personal opinions on how I think the fanfic can be improved. I too, can be wrong, so please don’t take this review to heart.
Title: 2/5 – It’s simple, related.
Poster/Background: 5/10 – Could’ve been better.
Forewords: 3/5
It started off well, and then it got destroyed by the masses of dialogue.
I’d say probably max of 5 dialogue in forwards if you want to give a type of preview, cause in the end, it confuses the reader, and it gets a little boring.
Plot: 9/15 – My opinion is that this it's like a remake of Meteor Garden. You’re basically retelling the story but adding a bit more depth between Lei and Jing’s relationship.
Flow: 8/10 – it was good, loved the descriptive parts, however some parts just weren’t quite there because you lacked description in some areas, which interrupted with the flows. However overall it was pretty good.
Some of the sentence structures could’ve been improved which would’ve gotten you a higher mark in this area.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 12/15:
[In your forewords]
You wrote:
But what if the woman you wanted and the woman you needed were two different person?
Edit:
But what if the woman you wanted, and the woman you needed were two different PEOPLE?
You wrote:
“Do I look like drunk?”
Edit:
“Do I look drunk?”
You could argue that the awkward sentences was there because she was drunk, however you did not back that up explaining that.
[Actual one shot]
Lots of mixing tenses.
You wrote:
Mr. Yamamoto was impressed. You can see it in his eyes. He seems…
- Here you changed from the past tense to the present. If you wanted it in the past tense it would’ve been:
Mr. Yamamoto was impressed. You COULD see it in his eyes. He SEEMED...
Please look at this sentence:
He seems to be a quiet and fragile boy but he showed a different side of him when he delivered his presentation earlier.
Edited:
He seemed to be a quiet and fragile boy, but he showed a different side of him when he delivered his presentation earlier.
Overall (sorry I didn't want to make this review too long)
- Lack of punctuation.
- Grammar errors.
- Writing errors.
- Repetition of ‘ands’ quite often. It is really hard, but try use other connectives. Use of ‘ands’ were effective here: He tries again, and again, and again. (good work!)
- Awkward sentences.
- Some parts you showed great vocabulary, whereas in other areas you could’ve elaborated using other words.
Characterization: 10/10 – in a way realistic, very descriptive. Quite believable.
Originality: 5/10 - once again, it’s like you’re retelling the story. I can’t see much originality or creativity involved until at the end. The whole story was quite cliché in a way.
Writing style: 8/10
Techniques you used which made your writing more enjoyable. Good job!
-alliteration
-personification
-onomatopoeia
-varied sentences; however some sentences I thought you could’ve elaborated which would’ve helped the flow of the story.
- Rhetorical questions
-similes
-metaphors
-rule of three
Overall enjoyment: 5/10
Honestly I did not really enjoy that. It was a little too long for a one-shot. A lot of it I felt weren’t needed in a piece of short writing to create an impact.
I keep finding ‘and’ a lot which didn’t really help. It’s one of those hard targets which I set people, but when you’re reading it, it gets so repetitive reading ‘and’ everywhere.
A lot of grammar errors, which spoiled the fanfic, even though you have great vocabulary. Some of your descriptions were great, but you need to maintain that. You need to grab the reader’s interested in the first sentence, and not letting it go until the very end.
Your lack of punctuation makes it so difficult to read. If you read it out loud, you’d realise it’s hard to say it all in one breathe without pausing.
At the end, a lot of description were added, however your style of writing only improved ¾ down the page, and it really shows me that some parts of the story you can’t be bothered to elaborate. What I do admire about this fic, is the descriptions which you use. You used lovely techniques which create imagery.
In my perspective, one-shots are writings which creates an impact, and the story didn't have much an impact on me until the end.
Overall score: 67/100
Playing With My Heart by ShadowYin
Author: ShadowYin
Title: Playing with My Heart
Link: http://winglin.net/fanfic/SYplaying/
Status: Completed
Reviewer: Rachi @ Lost Shadows
Title: 5/5 ~ I liked the title a lot. It fit in with the story and although it was a bit cliché, it definitely got me interested enough to read on.
Poster/Background: 10/10 ~ My first thought was that the poster was a bit small but then I realized that it fit the background perfectly. Sometimes, clean and simple does the job.
Forewords: 5/5 ~ Woahh, I really liked this one! It was really attention-grabbing, just like a foreword is supposed to be. It also gave me a sneak-peek of what the story was going to be like. Dramatic is the way to go with intros, it really draws in readers. I also liked how the foreword was actually an excerpt from the story while being a good introduction at the same time.
Plot: 13/15 ~ I liked your plot a lot but I wished you elaborated a little bit more on the kidnapping part. I was really excited to see who those kidnappers were, what had happened in there that resulted in a knife in “noona’s” stomach.
Flow: 9/10 ~ Mostly, the transitions were smooth and allowed the story to go from one scene to the next but there were some awkward parts in the story, like when Minho brought her to his house, it took me awhile to differentiate between that, and when she betrayed him and he’d caught on.
Spelling/Grammer/Vocabulary: 15/15 ~ I couldn’t find any mistakes, it was all pretty perfect.
Characterization: 9/10 ~ I liked how you described the girl’s personality through her actions. For Minho, I wish you’d done the same and characterized him through more dialogue and action rather than describing his emotions.
Orginality: 8/10 ~ The betrayal element is found in many different stories so that was a little old but I liked how you added your own twist to it and made it more dramatic. Everything came together really well.
Writing style: 10/10 ~ I love writers like you, I really do. You guys make the rest of us look good. The language was rich. That was something I didn’t expect from a lovey-dovey story about two lovers. Your choice of words and how you used them really got me, more than the actual plot or story did. Your story may have been a repeat but the way you told it made it unique.
Overall enjoyment: 9/10 ~ I enjoyed this story very much. I was just frustrated at how short it was. I think that this kind of story needs to be elaborated and told with a lot of detail. There were many, many things that I still wanted to know – What happened to them in the end? Was she crippled? What did his dad think of her now? What happened to his cute little brother? – so that would definitely have made me like it more. Overall though, it was great.
Overall score: 93/100
Title: Playing with My Heart
Link: http://winglin.net/fanfic/SYplaying/
Status: Completed
Reviewer: Rachi @ Lost Shadows
Title: 5/5 ~ I liked the title a lot. It fit in with the story and although it was a bit cliché, it definitely got me interested enough to read on.
Poster/Background: 10/10 ~ My first thought was that the poster was a bit small but then I realized that it fit the background perfectly. Sometimes, clean and simple does the job.
Forewords: 5/5 ~ Woahh, I really liked this one! It was really attention-grabbing, just like a foreword is supposed to be. It also gave me a sneak-peek of what the story was going to be like. Dramatic is the way to go with intros, it really draws in readers. I also liked how the foreword was actually an excerpt from the story while being a good introduction at the same time.
Plot: 13/15 ~ I liked your plot a lot but I wished you elaborated a little bit more on the kidnapping part. I was really excited to see who those kidnappers were, what had happened in there that resulted in a knife in “noona’s” stomach.
Flow: 9/10 ~ Mostly, the transitions were smooth and allowed the story to go from one scene to the next but there were some awkward parts in the story, like when Minho brought her to his house, it took me awhile to differentiate between that, and when she betrayed him and he’d caught on.
Spelling/Grammer/Vocabulary: 15/15 ~ I couldn’t find any mistakes, it was all pretty perfect.
Characterization: 9/10 ~ I liked how you described the girl’s personality through her actions. For Minho, I wish you’d done the same and characterized him through more dialogue and action rather than describing his emotions.
Orginality: 8/10 ~ The betrayal element is found in many different stories so that was a little old but I liked how you added your own twist to it and made it more dramatic. Everything came together really well.
Writing style: 10/10 ~ I love writers like you, I really do. You guys make the rest of us look good. The language was rich. That was something I didn’t expect from a lovey-dovey story about two lovers. Your choice of words and how you used them really got me, more than the actual plot or story did. Your story may have been a repeat but the way you told it made it unique.
Overall enjoyment: 9/10 ~ I enjoyed this story very much. I was just frustrated at how short it was. I think that this kind of story needs to be elaborated and told with a lot of detail. There were many, many things that I still wanted to know – What happened to them in the end? Was she crippled? What did his dad think of her now? What happened to his cute little brother? – so that would definitely have made me like it more. Overall though, it was great.
Overall score: 93/100
We’re Just Friends by Babbykrazi4u
Title: We’re Just Friends
Author: Babbykrazi4u
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/Babbykrzi4u/
Reviewed by: jjwyl@lostshadows.co.nr
Note: I hope you don’t get upset with this score. I was trying my best to give you a good score. But your story is addicting! I hope the next time I review your story I can give you higher marks. =]
Title: 2.5/5
I’m not able to give you a high score for this section because to be honest, if I were to look down a column of story titles, yours would not be the first one that I go to because it doesn’t really stand out much. I would recommend adding a symbol, like a star or heart, right beside the title so that it attracts more attention. But you were able to connect the title with the story itself, so that’s good.
Poster/Background: 8/10
I love the poster. The pictures look amazing and I like how the title is placed in the middle area where everyone can spot it at once. The font style used was also appropriate. And the color of the poster gives me the feeling of mystery and judgment, which in the story you are able to tell us. I think the background is a bit too plain and I would recommend changing the chapter title color from that sky blue into a darker color to match the poster and background.
Forewords: 3/5
It’s not the most exciting foreword I’ve read, but somehow it does make me want to continue because for me, I prefer stories that are based on school life. Your summary of the story wasn’t too long or too short, which is good because if it was too long, you’d bore the readers and practically tell them the entire story. But if it was too short, it wouldn’t give enough details the reader and would get them hooked on.
Plot: 12.5/15
Your plot so far, is quite well thought out. It seems like you know what you’re doing. But I’m going to have to say that I find your story a bit cliché. I mean, there are a lot of stories out there that has a nerd falling for a popular guy or vice-versa.
Flow: 8.5/10
The flow of your story so far is pretty good. ____’s feelings for Jaejoong isn’t developing too fast, which is good. The only thing that I think is a bit rushed is when Donghae and Kim get together. You should show us that scene, so we can experience it ourselves.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 12/15
I saw quite a few grammar and vocabulary mistakes. Even in just the foreword, you kept on changing your grammar tense. I saw that you would use past tenses and then automatically change into present tenses. Try to stick to one tense.
Characterization: 6.5/10
Because you put information on the main characters in the foreword, I was able to have a better grasp on each of them. It’s always a good idea to have some information in the foreword. As the story went on, I was able to learn more about the main girl and Jaejoong. But because, as you said, there are many side characters, I wasn’t able to tell a lot about them. Because there were so many characters in this story, I lost track of who liked who and such.
Originality: 7.5/10
Refer to PLOT
Writing style: 7.5/10
I just wanted to say that I enjoy reading stories that are written like yours, nice and simple. But the downside is, next time don’t use a “_____” for the character’s name. You should actually put a name in there because when I was reading it, I felt like the line was kind of getting in the way and made everything seem a bit messy. Also, try bunching up sentences together to form bigger paragraphs instead of single sentences.
Overall enjoyment: 9/10
I love DBSK! So that’s a plus. And I also love stories where the geek falls in love with the popular guy.
Overall score: 77/100
Author: Babbykrazi4u
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/Babbykrzi4u/
Reviewed by: jjwyl@lostshadows.co.nr
Note: I hope you don’t get upset with this score. I was trying my best to give you a good score. But your story is addicting! I hope the next time I review your story I can give you higher marks. =]
Title: 2.5/5
I’m not able to give you a high score for this section because to be honest, if I were to look down a column of story titles, yours would not be the first one that I go to because it doesn’t really stand out much. I would recommend adding a symbol, like a star or heart, right beside the title so that it attracts more attention. But you were able to connect the title with the story itself, so that’s good.
Poster/Background: 8/10
I love the poster. The pictures look amazing and I like how the title is placed in the middle area where everyone can spot it at once. The font style used was also appropriate. And the color of the poster gives me the feeling of mystery and judgment, which in the story you are able to tell us. I think the background is a bit too plain and I would recommend changing the chapter title color from that sky blue into a darker color to match the poster and background.
Forewords: 3/5
It’s not the most exciting foreword I’ve read, but somehow it does make me want to continue because for me, I prefer stories that are based on school life. Your summary of the story wasn’t too long or too short, which is good because if it was too long, you’d bore the readers and practically tell them the entire story. But if it was too short, it wouldn’t give enough details the reader and would get them hooked on.
Plot: 12.5/15
Your plot so far, is quite well thought out. It seems like you know what you’re doing. But I’m going to have to say that I find your story a bit cliché. I mean, there are a lot of stories out there that has a nerd falling for a popular guy or vice-versa.
Flow: 8.5/10
The flow of your story so far is pretty good. ____’s feelings for Jaejoong isn’t developing too fast, which is good. The only thing that I think is a bit rushed is when Donghae and Kim get together. You should show us that scene, so we can experience it ourselves.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 12/15
I saw quite a few grammar and vocabulary mistakes. Even in just the foreword, you kept on changing your grammar tense. I saw that you would use past tenses and then automatically change into present tenses. Try to stick to one tense.
Characterization: 6.5/10
Because you put information on the main characters in the foreword, I was able to have a better grasp on each of them. It’s always a good idea to have some information in the foreword. As the story went on, I was able to learn more about the main girl and Jaejoong. But because, as you said, there are many side characters, I wasn’t able to tell a lot about them. Because there were so many characters in this story, I lost track of who liked who and such.
Originality: 7.5/10
Refer to PLOT
Writing style: 7.5/10
I just wanted to say that I enjoy reading stories that are written like yours, nice and simple. But the downside is, next time don’t use a “_____” for the character’s name. You should actually put a name in there because when I was reading it, I felt like the line was kind of getting in the way and made everything seem a bit messy. Also, try bunching up sentences together to form bigger paragraphs instead of single sentences.
Overall enjoyment: 9/10
I love DBSK! So that’s a plus. And I also love stories where the geek falls in love with the popular guy.
Overall score: 77/100
Saturday, 2 January 2010
Like a Mockingbird by BoBoLi0us
Title: Like a Mockingbird
Author: BoBoLi0us
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/_mockingbird/
Reviewed by: hanichan32319 @ LostShadows
**Reviewer’s note: Hate me if you must. I deserve every ounce of it. You have been waiting patiently for this to be reviewed, and you have waited for well over two months. I am terribly sorry for making you wait so long. Life is a monster, and it jumps out at you when you least expect it. To give to you what I can…there’s not much. All I can do is promise you that I treated this review much more carefully than any other. I can only hope that you will take my advice to heart and forgive me for my tardiness. **
Title: 4/5
You kept with the topic/sentence of the challenge, and it fit the story perfectly, what with all the repetition happening. ^^
Poster/Background: 10/10
Okay, I may just be a little biased, but I love your artwork (you made a poster for one of my stories, and I loved it). The poster was simple yet well-fitting, earning you two jalapenos! (This, in plain English, means two thumbs way, way up…) The mockingbird happens to be my state’s bird (you kill one in Texas, and there are some severe penalties), so that kind of made me smile. (Plus, I got that song from Dumb and Dumber in my head after reading the title.)
Forewords: 4/5
You tricked me. *laughs* I thought you were going to have the story take place at the end of the 19th century, which really got me excited! I love reading historical fiction. It kind of opens eyes as to how different things are over a century later. But oh, well. Nothing too special about the forewords, but I’m glad you explained it was for a challenge.
Plot: 14/15
Pardon me for using this in a review, but *Le Gasp!* I really liked the way you developed the story! I would totally and completely rave about it here, but it seems I already covered that in Originality. Repeating myself just doesn’t seem right…
Flow: 9/10
There was nothing wrong with the flow…as far as I could tell.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 13/15
There were a few capitalization errors as well as some grammatical errors, but it didn’t mess with the flow of the story. Watch to make sure you capitalize names, especially those of major characters. Also, if you are writing a story in the past tense, be sure to watch your tenses. Don’t randomly switch back and forth between tenses.
For example, in the first chapter, you wrote: “He was either in a trance or just plain out of it. [Everytime she asks him out, he declines her offer and says he was busy. Every time she stops by his house, he rushes her away.] Even during school hours, he seemed to be avoiding her.”
The sentence enclosed in the bracket switches to a present tense. Instead of “asks” and “declines” you could say “asked” and “declined”, as well as “said”, “stopped”, and “rushed”.
Characterization: 9/10
Christina seemed like a very lonely girl, and I truly felt her pain. To be left behind by someone you loved dearly…is a fate worse than death. At first, I thought Key was just a stupid boy who had no idea what he would be missing, but then all the fate stuff got explained, and I was like, “Oh…okay.” I did get the whole Kim Kibum thing, though. That kind of blew my mind, as if Key too was just the “reincarnation” of the different men who had left the women behind.
Originality: 10/10
…Dear. God. This very nearly brought me to tears. And her finding that diary of Heo Soomi was no mere coincidence. That was…destiny. It was something that was going to happen because of Fate’s sick and twisted sense of humor. Love knows no bounds (is that a lyric to a song?), and you really can’t escape the cycle. This left me in a deep and somewhat profound silence. You hear girls crying and complaining about losing their boyfriends, but it brings up the question: do they really understand what “loss” truly is? I believe you answered that. ^^
Writing style: 9/10
Diary-based stories are not completely original, but you really don’t see too many of them out there, especially ones as melancholy as this. To me, a journal is the perfect escape from the cruelties of reality (or the perfect plunge into a deep and dark depression), and you seemed to capture that well in your story.
Overall enjoyment: 10/10
Oh, this was such a good story! I’m such a sucker for love-and-loss stories, especially somewhat angst-y ones filled with a metaphorical and literal sense of loss. I really loved reading this, and I will admit: I must have read it about three times before finally writing your review! (Again I apologize for the lateness) I just wanted to get things so perfectly, so the first time I read it was for enjoyment. The second was to catch any mistakes in spelling, grammar, punctuation, etc. The third was a half-and-half, I suppose. You’re an amazing writer (and artiste) and I shall be on the lookout for more of your stories!
Overall score: 92/100
Author: BoBoLi0us
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/_mockingbird/
Reviewed by: hanichan32319 @ LostShadows
**Reviewer’s note: Hate me if you must. I deserve every ounce of it. You have been waiting patiently for this to be reviewed, and you have waited for well over two months. I am terribly sorry for making you wait so long. Life is a monster, and it jumps out at you when you least expect it. To give to you what I can…there’s not much. All I can do is promise you that I treated this review much more carefully than any other. I can only hope that you will take my advice to heart and forgive me for my tardiness. **
Title: 4/5
You kept with the topic/sentence of the challenge, and it fit the story perfectly, what with all the repetition happening. ^^
Poster/Background: 10/10
Okay, I may just be a little biased, but I love your artwork (you made a poster for one of my stories, and I loved it). The poster was simple yet well-fitting, earning you two jalapenos! (This, in plain English, means two thumbs way, way up…) The mockingbird happens to be my state’s bird (you kill one in Texas, and there are some severe penalties), so that kind of made me smile. (Plus, I got that song from Dumb and Dumber in my head after reading the title.)
Forewords: 4/5
You tricked me. *laughs* I thought you were going to have the story take place at the end of the 19th century, which really got me excited! I love reading historical fiction. It kind of opens eyes as to how different things are over a century later. But oh, well. Nothing too special about the forewords, but I’m glad you explained it was for a challenge.
Plot: 14/15
Pardon me for using this in a review, but *Le Gasp!* I really liked the way you developed the story! I would totally and completely rave about it here, but it seems I already covered that in Originality. Repeating myself just doesn’t seem right…
Flow: 9/10
There was nothing wrong with the flow…as far as I could tell.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 13/15
There were a few capitalization errors as well as some grammatical errors, but it didn’t mess with the flow of the story. Watch to make sure you capitalize names, especially those of major characters. Also, if you are writing a story in the past tense, be sure to watch your tenses. Don’t randomly switch back and forth between tenses.
For example, in the first chapter, you wrote: “He was either in a trance or just plain out of it. [Everytime she asks him out, he declines her offer and says he was busy. Every time she stops by his house, he rushes her away.] Even during school hours, he seemed to be avoiding her.”
The sentence enclosed in the bracket switches to a present tense. Instead of “asks” and “declines” you could say “asked” and “declined”, as well as “said”, “stopped”, and “rushed”.
Characterization: 9/10
Christina seemed like a very lonely girl, and I truly felt her pain. To be left behind by someone you loved dearly…is a fate worse than death. At first, I thought Key was just a stupid boy who had no idea what he would be missing, but then all the fate stuff got explained, and I was like, “Oh…okay.” I did get the whole Kim Kibum thing, though. That kind of blew my mind, as if Key too was just the “reincarnation” of the different men who had left the women behind.
Originality: 10/10
…Dear. God. This very nearly brought me to tears. And her finding that diary of Heo Soomi was no mere coincidence. That was…destiny. It was something that was going to happen because of Fate’s sick and twisted sense of humor. Love knows no bounds (is that a lyric to a song?), and you really can’t escape the cycle. This left me in a deep and somewhat profound silence. You hear girls crying and complaining about losing their boyfriends, but it brings up the question: do they really understand what “loss” truly is? I believe you answered that. ^^
Writing style: 9/10
Diary-based stories are not completely original, but you really don’t see too many of them out there, especially ones as melancholy as this. To me, a journal is the perfect escape from the cruelties of reality (or the perfect plunge into a deep and dark depression), and you seemed to capture that well in your story.
Overall enjoyment: 10/10
Oh, this was such a good story! I’m such a sucker for love-and-loss stories, especially somewhat angst-y ones filled with a metaphorical and literal sense of loss. I really loved reading this, and I will admit: I must have read it about three times before finally writing your review! (Again I apologize for the lateness) I just wanted to get things so perfectly, so the first time I read it was for enjoyment. The second was to catch any mistakes in spelling, grammar, punctuation, etc. The third was a half-and-half, I suppose. You’re an amazing writer (and artiste) and I shall be on the lookout for more of your stories!
Overall score: 92/100
JiYong’s Bloodlust by Comatose Bunny
Title: JiYong’s Bloodlust
Author: Comatose Bunny
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/comatose_bunny/
Reviewed by: hanichan32319 @ LostShadows
**Reviewer’s note: I deserve every ounce of hatred you may harbor towards me. You have been waiting patiently for your story to be reviewed, and you have waited for well over two months. I am terribly sorry for making you wait so long. Life is a monster, and it jumps out at you when you least expect it. That’s about the only good excuse I can give for my tardiness. All I can do is promise you that I treated this review with care and caution. I can only hope that you will take my advice to heart and forgive me for the late review. **
Title: 4/5
Since the story is not complete, I’m going to guess that the title has something to do with a conflict that has yet to happen. However, it did draw me in because I am a sucker for vampires (I grew up watching Buffy and Angel), and I wanted to read more and more and more, so now you have a new reader. Can’t wait for another update, by the way!
Poster/Background: 9/10
…It almost looks like he’s lying in a pool of blood…which is kind of cool! ^^ Yeah, I have a grim sense of humor, and knowing that a story might have some sort of violence/death in it really gets me interested. The colors went well with the mood, and there isn’t too much intricacy, which can sometimes distract people.
Forewords: 3/5
Stranger danger!!! Sorry. Anyway, I really liked the vagueness of your forewords. It leaves the reader wanting to know who this dark and handsome man is. Well, they sort of already know…but that’s not the point. It was short and simple. However, a little more about the setting, time era, etc. would have been helpful, too.
Plot: 13/15
Hmm, plotwise, this is kind of boring. Not that I’m dozing off. I’m actually enjoying the ride. But the vagueness of where this story might be going could be potentially dangerous for any future readers. They may not like the fact that it’s taking so long for the author to build to a climax.
Flow: 8/10
It’s dragging just a little bit, though I expect that’s what you were aiming for. It kind of keeps the reader on the edge of their seat, hanging in suspension…waiting for the cobra called Major Conflict to arise…sorry, it’s the writing dork coming out of me.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 13/15
Here’s where you ran into trouble. Watching for spelling mistakes (“bury” instead of “burry”), check your grammar from time to time (i.e tenses and whatnot), and watch the wordiness. I went into detail below (see “Writing Style”) about that.
Characterization: 9/10
You’re killing me here. I was dying to know what was up with JiYong’s past and why now, of all times, he decides to bite the girl. What’s up with that? But the story is incomplete, so I’ll let that slide.
Originality: 9/10
You know, I breathed a sigh of relief when you said the story wasn’t going to turn out like Twilight. I absolutely despise that book series and I can’t begin to understand why people like it so much. Is it because young girls are delusional and believe that Eddiekins is going to sweep them off their feet? Or that what’s-his-face is going to turn into the Big Bad Hunky Wolf and save them from evil? You know, your story actually sounded more like characters from the Buffyverse instead of the retards Ms. Meyer wrote about. I applaud you on that. Finally, someone is turning back to the real roots of the vampires who don’t sparkle in the sunlight and act like the whole world is inferior to them and their so-called “killer hair-dos”.
…Ahem. If you weren’t aiming for Buffy vamps, that’s still okay. Anything but the Twilight losers.
Writing style: 7/10
Personally, I like the abstract writing. It leaves creativity room for those with spectacular imaginations. Plus, the words you use aren’t exactly in the average person’s vocab bank. But for those who like a set writing style without so many words and details…this could lose them. To someone who doesn’t have a huge vocabulary, the story may just seem a little like a big bucket of word vomit. I’m not saying to stop altogether; just watch how big your words get, and if the situation calls for it, “stupid it down”.
Overall enjoyment: 9/10
There were some parts where I kind of sat back and thought you were making this into the Korean Twilight, but you surprised me. This story turned out to be really awesome. At first, I had absolutely no freaking clue who JiYong was, so I did a little research and I can thank you for getting me into Big Bang. Them boys crack me up. So far, this story is really kicking a—I mean, butt. I can’t wait for another update from you, and again I apologize deeply for the late review. Please forgive me!
Overall score: 84/100
Author: Comatose Bunny
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/comatose_bunny/
Reviewed by: hanichan32319 @ LostShadows
**Reviewer’s note: I deserve every ounce of hatred you may harbor towards me. You have been waiting patiently for your story to be reviewed, and you have waited for well over two months. I am terribly sorry for making you wait so long. Life is a monster, and it jumps out at you when you least expect it. That’s about the only good excuse I can give for my tardiness. All I can do is promise you that I treated this review with care and caution. I can only hope that you will take my advice to heart and forgive me for the late review. **
Title: 4/5
Since the story is not complete, I’m going to guess that the title has something to do with a conflict that has yet to happen. However, it did draw me in because I am a sucker for vampires (I grew up watching Buffy and Angel), and I wanted to read more and more and more, so now you have a new reader. Can’t wait for another update, by the way!
Poster/Background: 9/10
…It almost looks like he’s lying in a pool of blood…which is kind of cool! ^^ Yeah, I have a grim sense of humor, and knowing that a story might have some sort of violence/death in it really gets me interested. The colors went well with the mood, and there isn’t too much intricacy, which can sometimes distract people.
Forewords: 3/5
Stranger danger!!! Sorry. Anyway, I really liked the vagueness of your forewords. It leaves the reader wanting to know who this dark and handsome man is. Well, they sort of already know…but that’s not the point. It was short and simple. However, a little more about the setting, time era, etc. would have been helpful, too.
Plot: 13/15
Hmm, plotwise, this is kind of boring. Not that I’m dozing off. I’m actually enjoying the ride. But the vagueness of where this story might be going could be potentially dangerous for any future readers. They may not like the fact that it’s taking so long for the author to build to a climax.
Flow: 8/10
It’s dragging just a little bit, though I expect that’s what you were aiming for. It kind of keeps the reader on the edge of their seat, hanging in suspension…waiting for the cobra called Major Conflict to arise…sorry, it’s the writing dork coming out of me.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 13/15
Here’s where you ran into trouble. Watching for spelling mistakes (“bury” instead of “burry”), check your grammar from time to time (i.e tenses and whatnot), and watch the wordiness. I went into detail below (see “Writing Style”) about that.
Characterization: 9/10
You’re killing me here. I was dying to know what was up with JiYong’s past and why now, of all times, he decides to bite the girl. What’s up with that? But the story is incomplete, so I’ll let that slide.
Originality: 9/10
You know, I breathed a sigh of relief when you said the story wasn’t going to turn out like Twilight. I absolutely despise that book series and I can’t begin to understand why people like it so much. Is it because young girls are delusional and believe that Eddiekins is going to sweep them off their feet? Or that what’s-his-face is going to turn into the Big Bad Hunky Wolf and save them from evil? You know, your story actually sounded more like characters from the Buffyverse instead of the retards Ms. Meyer wrote about. I applaud you on that. Finally, someone is turning back to the real roots of the vampires who don’t sparkle in the sunlight and act like the whole world is inferior to them and their so-called “killer hair-dos”.
…Ahem. If you weren’t aiming for Buffy vamps, that’s still okay. Anything but the Twilight losers.
Writing style: 7/10
Personally, I like the abstract writing. It leaves creativity room for those with spectacular imaginations. Plus, the words you use aren’t exactly in the average person’s vocab bank. But for those who like a set writing style without so many words and details…this could lose them. To someone who doesn’t have a huge vocabulary, the story may just seem a little like a big bucket of word vomit. I’m not saying to stop altogether; just watch how big your words get, and if the situation calls for it, “stupid it down”.
Overall enjoyment: 9/10
There were some parts where I kind of sat back and thought you were making this into the Korean Twilight, but you surprised me. This story turned out to be really awesome. At first, I had absolutely no freaking clue who JiYong was, so I did a little research and I can thank you for getting me into Big Bang. Them boys crack me up. So far, this story is really kicking a—I mean, butt. I can’t wait for another update from you, and again I apologize deeply for the late review. Please forgive me!
Overall score: 84/100
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