A Night In Tokyo (R) - FrenchSha

Title: A Night In Tokyo (R)
Author: FrenchSha
Story Link: http://fcollections.wordpress.com/about/
Reviewer: ShadowYin
Site: http://lostshadows.co.nr/

This review is not meant to be offensive, but contains purely my personal opinions on how I think the fanfic can be improved. I too, can be wrong, so please don’t take this review to heart.

Title: 2/5 – It’s simple, related.

Poster/Background: 5/10 – Could’ve been better.

Forewords: 3/5
It started off well, and then it got destroyed by the masses of dialogue.
I’d say probably max of 5 dialogue in forwards if you want to give a type of preview, cause in the end, it confuses the reader, and it gets a little boring.

Plot: 9/15 – My opinion is that this it's like a remake of Meteor Garden. You’re basically retelling the story but adding a bit more depth between Lei and Jing’s relationship.

Flow: 8/10 – it was good, loved the descriptive parts, however some parts just weren’t quite there because you lacked description in some areas, which interrupted with the flows. However overall it was pretty good.
Some of the sentence structures could’ve been improved which would’ve gotten you a higher mark in this area.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 12/15:

[In your forewords]

You wrote:
But what if the woman you wanted and the woman you needed were two different person?

Edit:
But what if the woman you wanted, and the woman you needed were two different PEOPLE?

You wrote:
“Do I look like drunk?”
Edit:
“Do I look drunk?”
You could argue that the awkward sentences was there because she was drunk, however you did not back that up explaining that.

[Actual one shot]
Lots of mixing tenses.

You wrote:
Mr. Yamamoto was impressed. You can see it in his eyes. He seems…

- Here you changed from the past tense to the present. If you wanted it in the past tense it would’ve been:

Mr. Yamamoto was impressed. You COULD see it in his eyes. He SEEMED...

Please look at this sentence:
He seems to be a quiet and fragile boy but he showed a different side of him when he delivered his presentation earlier.
Edited:
He seemed to be a quiet and fragile boy, but he showed a different side of him when he delivered his presentation earlier.

Overall (sorry I didn't want to make this review too long)
- Lack of punctuation.
- Grammar errors.
- Writing errors.
- Repetition of ‘ands’ quite often. It is really hard, but try use other connectives. Use of ‘ands’ were effective here: He tries again, and again, and again. (good work!)
- Awkward sentences.
- Some parts you showed great vocabulary, whereas in other areas you could’ve elaborated using other words.

Characterization: 10/10 – in a way realistic, very descriptive. Quite believable.

Originality: 5/10 - once again, it’s like you’re retelling the story. I can’t see much originality or creativity involved until at the end. The whole story was quite cliché in a way.

Writing style: 8/10
Techniques you used which made your writing more enjoyable. Good job!
-alliteration
-personification
-onomatopoeia
-varied sentences; however some sentences I thought you could’ve elaborated which would’ve helped the flow of the story.
- Rhetorical questions
-similes
-metaphors
-rule of three

Overall enjoyment: 5/10
Honestly I did not really enjoy that. It was a little too long for a one-shot. A lot of it I felt weren’t needed in a piece of short writing to create an impact.
I keep finding ‘and’ a lot which didn’t really help. It’s one of those hard targets which I set people, but when you’re reading it, it gets so repetitive reading ‘and’ everywhere.
A lot of grammar errors, which spoiled the fanfic, even though you have great vocabulary. Some of your descriptions were great, but you need to maintain that. You need to grab the reader’s interested in the first sentence, and not letting it go until the very end.
Your lack of punctuation makes it so difficult to read. If you read it out loud, you’d realise it’s hard to say it all in one breathe without pausing.
At the end, a lot of description were added, however your style of writing only improved ¾ down the page, and it really shows me that some parts of the story you can’t be bothered to elaborate. What I do admire about this fic, is the descriptions which you use. You used lovely techniques which create imagery.
In my perspective, one-shots are writings which creates an impact, and the story didn't have much an impact on me until the end.

Overall score: 67/100